Aathira Jim's Blog, page 6

Inked

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The pain is sharp, the needles searing into my skin, then the pain is liberating as it makes its permanent mark on my skin. Ink against skin. Blemishes. Flawed. The day you left me, the day that you decided that I will not be good enough for you, that was the day I decided. 
And today, here I'm. The skin around the freshly inked tattoo is red, a tad bruised perhaps. Yet I love it. I am learning a lot of things like this about myself. Now that you are not there, now that I seem to have all the time in the world. 
Did you know that it was possible to go out and watch a movie all by yourself? Did you know that the awkwardness fades after the first time? That nobody really cares if you have company or you are alone? That it is possible to get a table for one at your favorite restaurant. That it was possible to listen to the kind of music that you hooked me onto without feeling like my insides were put through a shredder. 
I close my eyes. Though the needles hurt mildly, it is oddly soothing. Maybe I will decide to get another tattoo after all. 

Theme Reveal for the A to Z Challenge 2016

I was skeptical about signing up for the A to Z challenge for this year because of two reasons. One was that my muse seems to be having a mind of its own, coming and going as it pleases. And no amount of tears or hair pulling or caffeine induced hazes seems to bring back when I so need to. The other is that I had participated for the first time last year and knew how taxing it can be. I didn't want to abandon it halfway through. 
Anyway after much deliberation and going back and worth thinking whether to join or not, one day I decided to surprise myself and signed up for the challenge on a spur-of-the-moment decision. Now the next thing to ponder on was whether I should stick to a theme or go randomly like I did last year. Now a challenge is called a challenge for a reason. So I decided to go one step further this year and thought that I will stick to a theme. 
I have loved writing on a lot of topics before, but for this year's challenge, I wanted to do something special and different. Something that is close to my heart, something that has always made me think. I want to write about women. The woman who inspires, the woman that we aspire to be. She is a mother, daughter, sister, wife, lover, girlfriend, friend. She faces a battle daily, sometimes with her own self, sometimes with the world that she lives in. You can find her in me, in you, in the women all around. She may be broken, she may be shattered into a million little pieces but she will always find it in herself to gather herself and go on. Maybe for just another step, maybe for just another day. And if she is really lucky, for the rest of her life. 
So, without much further ado, my theme for this year shall be:
"She is You"
I am planning to start each alphabet with a woman's name and will try to convey emotions and stories of each of them. I want to experiment and try doing this through fiction and poetry. Though the stories and the women are fictitious, I hope to convey the dilemmas that every one of us have come across in real life at some point or the other. 26 women, 26 stories. For now I'm keeping my fingers crossed! This journey is going to be one of learning for me. Wish me luck :)

Wild

Wild was a movie I saw sometime last year and I had done a sort of review for it during the A to Z year challenge for 2015 here. Like I had mentioned before, I had wanted to read the book first. So when I chanced upon the book, I bought it without hesitation. Now, if the movie was good, the book is excellent. I must let you know that this is not a book review. But it's been so long since I spoke about a book I loved here and would just like to talk about it and the things I loved. 
I have not been one to read much of non fiction. This is a memoir, and the second non fiction book I managed to read this year. One of my reading resolutions for this year has been to read as diversely as possible, stepping into genres that I haven't before. And though my reading speed is not going too high as of now, I have decided to stop obsessing over it and enjoy each book fully. 
I picked up Wild when I was in much need of some inspiration and this book didn't fail me. There were times when I felt I was there with Cheryl, sharing some of her grief on the journey. Be it over the loss she felt over her mother's death, her marriage that breaks up into fragments as an after effect or the physical and mental exhaustion over the tedious trail. 
But most importantly, the book gave me hope. That even when things may stretch endlessly on the horizon, we must cross the bridge when it's time. That even being alone is okay. That it is okay to not feel guilty over your mistakes, acceptance and moving on forward plays a major role as well. That help may come sometimes in the form of strangers than friends or family. 
It is a book of redemption, of healing, of love. Needless to say, I loved it and would recommend it to everyone who needs some solace. Read it and it's bound to lift up your spirits as it did mine. Here are some of my favorite quotes from it that touched my core:
“I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.” 
“The universe, I'd learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted and it would never give it back.” 
“How wild it was, to let it be.” 

Nights are for...

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... long drives. 

... those hour long conversations about literature and poetry. 

... nostalgia and reminiscing about the past. 

... guilt-free scoops of chocolate chip ice cream. 

... lying on the beach side and star gazing at the moonless sky. 

... listening to the sound of waves as you feel one with the sea. 

... going through those old pictures and tattered albums; a slice of childhood. 

... writing down your rambling thoughts, that mesmerizing pull of blue ink against pristine white. 

... reading Neruda. 

... that magical scent of vanilla in between the pages of those old books. 

... allowing yourself to feel all those emotions that you kept under lock and key during day. 

... bizarre thoughts and what ifs. 

... thinking of  him.

... flashes of creativity, brilliance and regret. 

... unfinished lists. 

... salty tears and random smiles. 

... mushy movies and corny lines. 

... and rewriting the ending in your head. 

... making a fresh batch of extra buttered popcorn while you are at it. 

Nights are for a lot of things but sleep. 

Quest

There's a part of me that will always search for you. Through the days and months. Through the years. Through all my life and even beyond. You are my past, present and future. Without you, I don't exist. Sometimes, while searching for you, I lose myself. But when I do finally find you, my love, nothing would have been in vain. Till then, I will bleed poetry...

Old school love

I find you in between the pages of old handwritten letters. A mild whiff of vanilla that tickles my nose. Inside the reels of tape recorder cassettes. Twisting and turning, a mass of tangled, glossy film.
I find you inside pressed flowers of my overused, over scribbled school notebooks. Peek-a-boo. Inside glittering greeting cards, in the cursive loop of your name underneath all those Merry Christmases and Happy New Years'. 
I find you in the clouds of baby pink candy floss sold by the end of the street each day. Melt-in-my mouth, you always do. A warm sugary sweetness. 
In the touch-me-nots, that withers upon my touch, your presence lingers. A melancholic melody.
Most of all, I find you inside me. A memory that refuses to fade, growing only stronger with age. An old school love. You and me. Me and you. 

When did the love between us die?

Was it when you stopped searching for my hand to hold in the darkened corners of the movie theater? 
Was it when we began to converse in silence? 
Or was it when we both started forgetting the dates that mattered? 
Maybe it was when you started hiding your texts from me or was it when I found a stranger's smile attractive? 
Was it when I stopped dressing up for you? Or was it that time when I did and you didn't notice?
Was it when our smiles were forced and our laughter restrained?
Was it that time when you looked at another and it ceased to bother me?
Or was it when we started living separate lives under the same roof? 
Was that when our love died? Was it really that fragile? Or was it ever love to begin with?

Universe

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Stars woven in her hair. Black tresses tumbling across her shoulders. An abyss in her eyes. Be careful when you look into them, it's easy to fall down into its bottomless depths. She holds the entire galaxy in her open palms. 
She is mystery and darkness. She is also flashes of pure brilliant light. 
And when she burns, she's pure fury. She will either make you or destroy you completely. With her, there's no turning back. You can only pray that your soul remains intact. 

A month of Harry Potter

So, if you have been following me on Instagram, you would have known from my updates, my obsession with Harry Potter the past one month. Yes, I was on a reading marathon on a staple diet of Harry and friends. Harry has been such an important part of my childhood and it was only recently that I decided I should go back and do a re-read of all the books once again. 
Now, the thing about re-reading this series after so many years is that it almost feels like visiting Hogwarts for the first time. And go ahead, judge me. But I don't think one is ever too old for Harry Potter. JK Rowling literally saved me from a lot of tumultuous teenage years and she did it again for me now. In reading Harry, I found myself healing once again. 
There were two things I hated when I read Harry for the first time. One is that I couldn't read it in the chronological order. I still remember the first book that I got my hands on from my school library was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which is the third part. That was how my love affair started and I went back and forth reading the books that I managed to get. It was quite difficult as there were only few copies in the library and everyone wanted to read it! So if you waited to read it in the order, you might as well have been waiting forever. 
The next thing I hated back then was the long wait before the next book came out. I was so impatient and of course, the stunning cliffhangers Rowling left at the end of each book has left me frustrated many a time. It has been on my mind for some time now that I wanted to do a reading marathon of Harry Potter. Go back and read all the books in the order. But of course, I didn't have all the books and had started off with the Goblet of Fire for this time. Imagine my delight when I was gifted all seven books in this gorgeous edition! I was in seventh heaven. 
I spent many days and nights immersed in these books, leaving me little time to do anything else. Not that I'm complaining. If you are a Potterhead, you know the magic the books will always have over you, no matter how old you get. This time, however, I went one step ahead and downloaded all the movies as well, watching it side by side as I completed each book. Best of both worlds, I tell you. 
Last night, as I turned the last page of Deathly Hallows, I felt something akin to an intense grief, a loss. I cried for Snape, the unsung hero, the half blood prince. And to think I spent so many years hating him. I wish I didn't have to leave Harry, Ron and Hermione there on platform nine and three quarters. I wish I could continue my journey to Hogwarts. But as we all know, all good things must come to an end. I have read somewhere that if you really want something, if you wish for it with all your heart, the universe has a way of bringing it to you. Yes, a new Harry Potter book is coming out on 31st July, on Harry's and Rowling's birthday! I'm so excited and can't wait to read what Harry Potter and the Cursed Child has in store for us. July 31st, come already! 

The Perfect Anniversary

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She wore her wedding saree, red embellished with intricate golden thread work. Her thick hair was freshly washed and shampooed, she had let it open, the water from them dripping onto her naked shoulders; each drop kissing her flawless skin. The delectable butter chicken, his favorite, simmered on the stove; tonight had to be perfect. She dabbed a few drops of Dior Midnight Poison on her neck, the fragrance enveloping her like a cocoon. 
She toyed with the tube of lipstick before discarding it on her dressing table. No, mustn't go overboard and anyway he had always hated seeing her with makeup on. Downstairs, the bell rang and with a  final sweeping look in the mirror, she hurried to greet the one for whom she had always made the extra effort to please.
"Happy anniversary, Darling," her husband gave her the perfunctory kiss her on her left cheek as she opened the door. 
Making his way to the bathroom to take a shower, he left his work shirt on the floor. How she hated this habit of his, yet she never made a retort. Tonight must be perfect. Their sixth wedding anniversary. 
As she picked up the creased shirt, she pretended not to notice the lipstick stain on the inside of its collar. The shirt, like him smelled of sweat, a sickly perfume and betrayal. In the back drawer of her cupboard, the vial of deadly poison waited. Tasteless and odorless. This was just the missing ingredient she needed. She didn't want a mess on her hands; she liked things clean and neat. 
Tonight, after all, had to be nothing short of perfect.