Isabel Jordan's Blog, page 4

February 8, 2015

Things a romance hero would never do

We love you guys, but maybe this list, which contains things I’ve heard men do (no, not you, honey, but other men), is the reason why so many women love romance novels. Because a romance novel hero would never:

1. Leave beard hair in the sink. (Hey, Chewbacca, how about wiping the sink out after you’re done shaving?)

2. Shove a gallon of milk under your nose and ask, “Does this smell bad?”

3. Utilize a bedroom floor composting method for dirty clothes instead of tossing them in the hamper like normal human beings (i.e.: women).

4. Dutch oven. ‘Nuff said.

5. Channel surf with one hand on the remote and the other shoved down his pants.

6. Yell instructions at players in any sporting event as if they can hear him from his position sitting in front of the TV.

7. Ask an angry woman, “are you on your period?”

8. Tell you to “calm down” when you’re clearly very angry about something. Grrr. It’s even worse if done in combination with #7.

9. Say, “pull my finger.”

10. Send you a picture of his penis. (Aside to the guys who might be reading this: we like penises. Really, we do. But they are ugly. Homely as a mule’s butt, even. Trust me when I say no one wants pictures of your penis)
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Published on February 08, 2015 15:57 Tags: indie-authors, paranormal-romance, romance-heroes, semi-charmed, supernatural

January 18, 2015

Things I promise I’ll never talk about in a Christmas letter…and it’d be great if you wouldn’t, either

You all know what I mean by “Christmas letter,” right? It’s the brag sheet/year-at-a-glance overview that family and friends and acquaintances send to you along with their annual Christmas card that often stuns you into silence with the sheer amount of TMI spewed onto the page. I know it’s a little late for this since Christmas has passed and all, but I was sick over the holidays (screw you, influenza A) and only just now read a few of the Christmas letters I received—so, please forgive my tardiness in presenting this, the list of things I’ll never talk about in a Christmas letter (and I hope you’ll pay it forward, people):

Death and dying
I know it’s a part of life and all, but is the Christmas letter really the place you want to inform everyone who’s dead and who’s dying? I would argue that news of Grandma’s death or Aunt Mildred’s sarcoma should be delivered over the phone or in person to family and close friends, not via mass mailing to your entire Christmas card list. Because let’s face it, the distant, distant acquaintances and friends-of-friends probably don’t care about Grandma or Aunt Mildred (may they rest in peace). This applies to dead pets, as well.

Boring shit
If nothing noteworthy happened to you all year, that’s OK. There’s nothing shameful in admitting that your year was as boring as a beige wall. But if that’s the case, don’t feel like you have to struggle to put together a Christmas letter where you desperately reach for news. As a reader, I REALLY don’t want to suffer through a whole page—or more, God help us—detailing how you finally got your puppy potty trained, or how much the kids enjoyed going to the community pool over the summer, or how you finally made it through all the saved movies and back episodes of Dexter you had on your DVR. How about just write “Merry Christmas” on a plain Christmas card instead of going for the letter? Or how about making some shit up so that I’m not bored to tears while reading your Christmas letter? Tell me about…I don’t know…how you rescued a bunch of orphans/nuns/kittens from a burning house? Or something about…dragons? Yeah, dragons are always good…

Infertility
Yep. I got a Christmas letter that detailed a woman’s struggle with infertility (side note: it was the woman’s MOM who detailed her daughter’s infertility treatments). You can’t make this shit up.

Dementia
You wouldn’t think I’d need to point out that Grandpa’s Alzheimer’s--and the story about how he wandered out onto the highway without his pants--is a private family matter, but…yeah, here we are.

Medical procedures
I speak for everyone (I’m 99.9% sure) when I say that no one wants to hear the details of your most recent colonoscopy. First of all: eww, gross. Second of all: while a polyp-free colon is indeed something for you to celebrate, it doesn’t really put the rest of us in a Christmas-y place. Same goes for the weird mole you had removed.

Weather
If I want to know what the temperature is in Miami, I’ll check online, or flip to the Weather Channel. I don’t need to read about it in your Christmas letter.

Money
Probably not a good idea to tell everyone on your Christmas list about all your new, ridiculously expensive electronics. Everyone on that list has at least one or two deadbeat relatives (I have six that come to mind immediately) that will see a copy of that letter and start casing your house. Just sayin’.

Vacations
While it’s lovely—and aren’t you lucky—that you stayed at a 5-star resort in Aruba this summer, some of us haven’t had a vacation since 1998 and don’t take kindly to this sort of bragging (it smacks of douchebaggery).

Let me know if I’ve forgotten anything. Maybe together, we can end the needless suffering we all go through every year when the Christmas letters start rolling in.
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Published on January 18, 2015 14:25 Tags: holiday-letters, indie-authors, paranormal-romance-fans, supernatural-fans

December 30, 2014

Top 10 things I promise I'll never do as a romance author

10. Write about a heroine with impossibly long legs…who just happens to be five-foot-two. (It’s just not scientifically possible, no matter how much I wish it was)

9. Have my heroine hear a suspicious noise in the woods/basement/attic in the middle of the night and run off without telling anyone to investigate, especially wearing only a nightie, and/or armed only with a broom/rolling pin/frying pan/high-heeled shoe.

8. Wax poetic about the hero’s velvet- and/or satin-covered manhood. (The words “penis” and “erection” are in my vocabulary and I’m not afraid to use them)

7. Have my heroine run away from the hero, who is protecting her from the villain, because hey, he’s not the boss of her and no one tells her what to do!

6. Have my heroine borrow clothes that are too tight across the bust. (Heroines never seem to borrow clothes that are too tight across the thighs or butt, do they?)

5. Have the main conflict in the story be a stupid misunderstanding that could be cleared up with one open, honest, adult conversation.

4. Have the fate of the world depend on the hero schtupping the heroine.

3. Confuse a bitchy heroine with a strong heroine. (The two traits aren’t interchangeable)

2. Head-hopping (It’s confusing and headache-inducing, and there’s maybe only 5 authors in the world who can pull it off successfully…and sadly, I ain’t one of them)

1. Write cliff hangers. (Few things generate as much ire among readers in the Goodreads groups, and I certainly don't want to incur the wrath of y'all!)

But let me know if I've forgotten anything. I'd love to hear from you!
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Published on December 30, 2014 19:18 Tags: indie-authors, paranormal-romance, romance-authors, romance-novels, supernatural

December 27, 2014

Why Game of Thrones is the Best Show Ever

Reasons why Game of Thrones is the best show ever. Seriously. Best. Show. Ever.

During GOT season (which is criminally short, in my opinion), I plan my Sundays around the show. I need to be on my couch, lights dimmed, ready to watch five minutes before 9pm (wouldn’t want to miss the opening theme music, you know). During the show, I don’t get up to the go to the bathroom or grab a drink/snack. I don’t take my eyes off the television. Hell, I don’t blink. I’ve watched a lot of good (and bad…really, really bad) television in my time, but I’ve never felt as strongly about a show as I do about GOT. I dare you to watch this show and not become a fanatic. In case you don’t watch (and why wouldn’t you be watching???), here are the top reasons why during the off season, I’m within kissing distance of needing a GOT support group:

WTF just happened???

I have a talent (or a curse, depending on how you look at it). I can spot a plot twist a mile away. I always know what is going to happen next in a movie or on a show. I knew right away that Darth Vadar was Luke’s father and Leia was his sister. But GOT? That’s the one show that has shocked the crap out of me more times than I can count (I’m looking at you, Red Wedding). For that alone, I’d keep watching week after week.

Can I be her when I grow up?

Critics might not agree with me on this, but I can’t think of another show that features more strong female leads than GOT. There are women who literally kick ass (Brienne of Tarth, Ygritte), women who think circles around the men in their lives (Arya and Catelyn Stark, Margaery and Grandma Tyrell), and women who rule without even needing to physically kick ass (Daenerys Targaryen, Cersei Lannister). Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying all of these characters are good role models for today’s youth. They certainly have their flaws. I’m just saying it sure is nice to see women on TV who hold their own against (and often best) their male counterparts. Girl power!

I hate that guy!

I think it takes an amazing writer to create villains that people despise. And if Joffrey Baratheon, Locke, Viserys Targaryen, Craster, and Walder Frey are any indication, I would have to say that George R.R. Martin and the show’s writing staff are AMAZING. But while these characters are pure evil with no redeeming qualities, GOT has also managed to create several great anti-heroes. Arya Stark, Jaime and Tywin Lannister, The Hound, and Lord Varys…these are people who’ve done terrible things (and I do mean TERRIBLE things). But the writers managed to make these characters complex enough that I find myself sympathetic to them and even rooting for them. GOT actually made me feel sorry for a character who tried to kill a child in order to cover up the incestuous affair he was having with his sister. I’m not proud of that, but hey, it is what it is. The writing is that good.

Complete fearlessness

Eviscerations, sadistic torture, crushed skulls, baby killing, incest, children getting shoved out of windows, ice zombies, offing main characters left and right…yeah, this show goes there with complete fearlessness. As a writer, I gotta admire the hell out of that (even though as a viewer, a few of these things freaked the ever-loving shit out of me).

Dragons

Need I say more?

Surprise romance

OK, I’ll admit that if you’re looking for romance, GOT probably wouldn’t be the first show I’d recommend. And maybe as a romance writer, I’m just hyper-sensitive to all things romantic. But there have been moments (few and far between, but still) that warmed my heart. Robb’s relationship with Talisa was beautiful (mostly…for a while, anyway), and after their initial (ahem) rough start, Dany’s relationship with Khal Drogo was surprisingly tender. And even though they aren’t technically in a romantic relationship, when Jaime jumped into the pit to fight a bear, one-handed, to save Brienne? Yeah, I fan-girled a little bit.

I could on and on about this for days, but I’d love to hear from you! Leave a message on this site, letting me know all the wonderful things you love about GOT.
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Published on December 27, 2014 19:41 Tags: fantasy, game-of-thrones, indie-authors, paranormal-romance, supernatural

November 29, 2014

Top 10 Reasons to Read Semi-Charmed

10. The new season of Game of Thrones doesn’t start until March. What else is there to do on a Sunday night?
9. There’s a free affirmation with every copy sold (Have you lost weight?)
8. There’s a cute dog (Who doesn’t love a cute dog?)
7. Because laughing burns calories (It’s a fact…look it up)
6. Being seen reading makes you look smarter
5. You can repeat the funny parts of the dialogue in conversations with your friends and pretend it’s your own (I won’t sue or anything. Promise!)
4. It contains a healthy amount of ass-kicking to balance out the mushy stuff.
3. There’s no cliff-hanger (Don’t you just hate those?)
2. Who doesn’t love a happy ending?
1. Because you need a smart, sarcastic, feisty, kick-ass paranormal PI in your life
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Published on November 29, 2014 11:10 Tags: paranormal-romance, paranormal-romantic-suspense, supernatural, urban-fantasy

November 13, 2014

Top 7 things writers can learn from watching Supernatural

Top seven things writers can learn from watching Supernatural
(No spoilers!)

Watching Supernatural is like free admittance to a 10-season-long writing course. Here are the top reasons to watch:

7. Sheer beauty

As humans, we are naturally drawn to the beautiful things in life. And I don’t think there’s anyone who’d argue that Jensen Ackles is ridiculously beautiful. It’s unnatural, really. Jared Padalecki is beautiful too, but he’s young-looking enough to make me feel like a pervy cougar for noticing--so I mention that only for you younger girls out there. But if you don’t feel inspired to write a beautiful hero (especially a romantic hero) after watching these guys fight evil and save the world every week, then you might want to check your pulse, ‘cause you might be dead. (Yeah, I’m a fangirl. What of it?)


6. Dead again. And again. And again…

I can’t think of another show that has killed off and brought back more main characters than Supernatural. And every time, the death and rebirth is unique and inventive. But beyond that, the emotion that comes with each death and reunion is so powerful and genuine that as a viewer, you’re right there with the characters. If, as a writer, you can inject that kind of emotion into your characters, your novel will be all the better for it.

5. The fabulous others

On Supernatural, the secondary characters are not just devices used to move the story along for the main characters, or dump exposition on viewers. They have as much depth as the heroes and lives of their own, including compelling backstories (Bobby’s backstory makes me cry, for God’s sake). Almost any one of them could star in his/her own spinoff (I would totally watch the Bobby/Castiel/Crowley show). And as a writer, who isn’t hoping for series-worthy secondary characters?

4. Relatability

I was never a fan of Superman. He was too...good. Said all the right things, never did anything selfish or just flat-out wrong. I just couldn’t relate to him. He didn’t act like a real guy would. Now, Batman, on the other hand, I could relate to. He was dark, obsessive, and a little crazy--but he managed to overcome all of that and be a hero. It was his flaws that made him easy to relate to. Dean and Sam Winchester are relatable heroes. Sam can be a little whiny and Dean can be a little judgmental. They do stupid things to protect the ones they love, and they both have major Daddy issues. But week after week, they manage to overcome their issues and save the day (and sometimes the world). Long-story-short: relatable heroes sell books.

3. Comic relief

Have you ever read novels that were artfully written, but so damn serious and depressing you felt emotionally drained after reading them? Supernatural has always done a fantastic job of breaking up the really serious episodes with comedic ones that are laugh-until-you-pee-your-pants funny (episodes like Yellow Fever and The French Mistake come to mind). Injecting a little comedy into your novel will undoubtedly make it more realistic, because let’s face it, real life is sometimes too hilarious for words!

2. Fantastic villains

I don’t know about you, but I think that writing a good villain is almost tougher than writing a hero. You want your villain to be complex enough to be realistic, but not so likeable that your readers relate to him/her better than they identify with your hero. Supernatural’s villains have always walked that line precisely with flair and panache. Crowley, Meg, Lilith, The Trickster…hell, even Lucifer were the perfect combination of clever, interesting, and diabolical.

1. Show don’t tell

It’s drilled into our heads as writers from day 1: demonstrate your characters’ emotions through their actions, not by explaining how they’re feeling to your audience. It’s not an easy task (I’m not gonna lie…my first instinct is to throw adverbs at the page. You practically need a machete to hack through all the adverbs in my first drafts). But the Supernatural writers seem to pull it off with ease. Take for example season seven, episode 11. After the brothers are devastated by a profound loss, a fellow hunter tells Dean that the only way to get through the really dark days is to fake a smile and keep doing the job. The episode ends with a close-up of Dean’s face as he’s driving. He’s smiling, but the pain in his tear-filled eyes is so evident, you can’t help but hurt right along with him. The scene is flawless. The perfect example of “show don’t tell.”

So, all that being said, go take a break to watch some Supernatural, but then get back to writing!
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Published on November 13, 2014 18:58 Tags: indie-authors, paranormal-romance, supernatural, urban-fantasy

October 25, 2014

Be your own biggest fan. Others will follow.

To sign with an agent or not…that is the question.

The answer seems simple, right? Of course you want to sign with an agent! What idiot would turn down an agent’s offer of representation?

Well, looking back at my journey to publication, I wish I would’ve been that idiot.

I started writing in 2001 while I was between jobs. I’d just read a historical romance that I hated. And I passionately hated this book. The plot was terrible, the characters were annoying and weak, the dialogue was stilted…it was a complete crapfest. So, I decided, hey, if this piece of garbage can get published, then I need to write my own novel. How hard can it be?

Yeah, I was really that dumb.

I finished my first romance novel in 2002. About a minute after typing “The End” on the last page, I started sending out query letters to agents. I received a few requests for sample chapters, which I sent out immediately, fully expecting to receive an offer of representation any minute.

Any minute dragged out for months until finally, I’d received “no thanks” messages from every agent who’d received my sample chapters. How could this have happened? What had I done wrong?

Armed with righteous indignation (surely, I’d been robbed!) and a laptop, I started doing research. I read about query letters and manuscript formatting (wait, you’re not supposed to single-space and print on both sides of the page?). I read about the publishing industry and marketing. I read about the craft of writing (so, head-hopping is bad, huh?). I read more romance novels. I read voraciously. And suddenly, I was…embarrassed. Deeply, deeply, embarrassed.

My novel, my baby that I’d slaved over for a year, was awful. It was so much worse than the so-called crapfest that had pushed me into writing in the first place that I seriously considered sending out thank you notes to the agents who’d turned me down, and apology notes to those who’d been forced to read the putrid sample chapters.

But I put my embarrassment to good use, using my new-found knowledge to write three more books. Each book was a little less embarrassing than its predecessor, until finally, I wrote a paranormal romance I thought was fairly decent. Hell, I wasn’t even ashamed to show it to people! It was time to start querying agents again.

The response from agents this time around was encouraging. Even rejections I received were tempered with notes praising my voice, characters, and dialogue. Finally, I received a call from an agent with a large, well-respected firm. She said she was a fan and would like to offer representation.

Well, needless to say I fell on that offer like a starving woman on a Reece’s cup. Everything was coming together perfectly.

My new agent had tons of feedback on my novel. I wrote, re-wrote, and incorporated everything I was asked to incorporate. I even incorporated stuff I didn’t totally agree with, because, hey, I’m lucky to even have this agent, right?

About three months into this process, my agent responded to my latest round of re-writes, saying that she loved the novel. Everything was great. But (isn’t there always a giant BUT?)…after careful consideration, she’d decided this novel wasn’t unique enough to the genre to be my debut effort. It probably wouldn’t be an “easy sell”. How about I start sending her ideas for other books?

I was stunned. Other books? But I thought you loved this book. Isn’t that why you offered representation in the first place? Is there any such thing as an “easy sell”, and if there is, why wouldn’t I just sell it myself? That’s when she said something that made my blood run cold. She said, “Well, if you feel that strongly about it, maybe I’m not the right agent for you.”

I couldn’t back-peddle fast enough. No, no, everything was fine. Of course I’d write something else. Hey, I was going to write something else anyway, right? Why not start now.

Idea after idea was shot down unceremoniously. I was desperate. I started throwing out ideas I knew were terrible (zombie mutant vampire mermen, anyone?) but I had to do something. I had to prove that I was a good client. She hadn’t made a terrible mistake by offering me representation.

Completely directionless, I started writing a contemporary romance. It was just for fun. A little something to help snap me out of my funk. I sent the first twenty pages to my agent, who loved it. Yes, she said. This should be your debut novel.

I cranked out the next hundred pages or so in a few weeks and happily sent them off to my agent so that she could see my progress. A week went by. Two. Three. Four. I sent a polite “just checking in” email at week five. Another at week six. At week eight, I received a note back that said the sample chapters were great. The project was funny, sexy, and my dialogue was great. But (there IT is again)…due to no fault of my writing, contemporary novels were a tough sell, and she just wasn’t sure she was the agent who could best represent the project. She wanted to focus on paranormal romance instead of contemporary.

Now, wait just a minute. I gave you a paranormal you said you loved but didn’t want to sell. Then I gave you a contemporary, which you also said you loved but didn’t want to sell. I thought you said you were a fan. What kind of fan gives up on someone that quickly?

So, I was back to square one at this point. No agent. Facing the prospect of starting all over with the querying process. Undoubtedly sick of my ranting and Yosemite Sam-like cursing, my husband made a novel (pardon the pun) suggestion.

Why not publish the book yourself?

I was skeptical. I didn’t know anything about formatting my novel for publication, or cover art, or professional proofreading, or marketing the published book. It all seemed so daunting. So complicated. Was I even capable of figuring it all out?

Having learned my lesson from the debacle that was my first novel, I immediately hit the internet and did some serious research. I found out that the self-publication process was actually very user-friendly (thank you, Amazon), and everything that I couldn’t do myself (like formatting and cover art), could be easily farmed-out to professionals at a reasonable cost. Not only that, but I could publish whatever I wanted. My words. Uncensored. No one telling me what I should write about, or what type of books were an “easy sell”. I was in complete control (insert diabolical laugh here).

I rewrote my paranormal romance, the one that had originally captured my agent’s attention, once more. I stripped out all the elements I’d only added to please my agent. I kept some of her better suggestions. I was very pleased with the end result. It was the book of my heart. I hit the “publish” button on 8/29/14. Semi-Charmed was officially for sale.

I had exactly zero expectations for Semi-Charmed. I figured that if one person read it and enjoyed it, I’d be happy. I have to say I’m shocked with how well it’s performed to date. Every sale/loaned copy and good review brings me joy.

So, long-story-short, what I’ve learned from this incredible journey is that no one will ever be as big a fan of your work–or a better advocate for your work–than you can be. These are your stories, your voice. These characters exist only in your head until you give them life on paper. Why should you listen to anyone who tells you to write something different, something that will be easier to sell?

(And about this whole “easy sell” thing…I can’t say that I understand it at all. When I was told that paranormals were a tough sell, I went online looking for fans of the genre and found them EVERYWHERE. Goodreads message boards are absolutely covered with paranormal romance fans begging for new material. Romance readers are a particularly voracious group, so given this seemingly huge fan base, why are agents and publishers turning away paranormal and contemporary romance manuscripts? But I digress…)

Now, don’t get me wrong. Self-publishing isn’t for everyone. It’s a lot of work, and people without my OCD tendencies and control issues might not want to take it on. And if your goal is to be traditionally published, you’ll probably need a good agent. There’s nothing wrong with that goal. I fully support it. If you take your time and choose the right agent, you’ll have a great working relationship and a bright career ahead of you.

But overall, remember this: you aren’t lucky that an agent has chosen you. If an agent has offered you representation, it’s because you’re talented and you wrote a great book. An agent would be lucky to have you.

Sign with an agent, or don’t sign with an agent…it really doesn’t matter. Write the book of your heart and be your own biggest fan and best advocate. You’ll find your audience.
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Published on October 25, 2014 14:18 Tags: agents, indie-authors, publishing-stories