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BOOK REVIEW: Critical Failures #4

Critical Failures #4 The Phantom Pinas by Robert Bevan

After CF #3, Tim & Co are back in the C&C world to find Mordred. They captured Mordred’s dice at the end of A Storm of S-Words, but they can’t use them to get themselves back to normal. Instead, they return to Cardinia to tell Frank and the other transported players at the Whore’s Head that they’ve got the dice. Initially, everyone is excited, but no one knows where Mordred is or how to use his dice. This leads to the group splitting up, which is what slowed down the plot too much for me.

Honestly, I didn’t care as much about what Tim, Dave, Cooper, Katherine, and Julian did in this installment. (More on that below.) CF #4 is more about the side characters and expanding the cast. We meet the Drow elves, which might become more important later, and an awesome mayor that can shape-shift into a tiger. Tim spends 90% of the story being drunk, and Cooper tags along with him until even he can’t stand Tim. A lot of what the main cast does is chase after the captured Ravenous, and it’s a bit tedious. Maybe I don’t appriciate Ravenous enough as a character, but Ravenous conviniently escapes from Mordred, which forestalls a real confrontation with the dickish CM. I think this series works best when the characters have to confront Mordred and his minions, which felt lacking here.

The new characters–Stacey, Randy, and Denise–are amazing, but they might’ve distracted from advancing the main plot line. They steal this book and get the best plot lines. Stacey was designed by Mordred to be ‘the perfect character’. She has an 18 in every skill set and is an elf. Denise came to C&C to get his manhood back, which doesn’t work out well for him. He ends up a dwarf–a female dwarf–named Dennis.

But let’s talk about Randy. Oh, Randy. My new favorite character and vehicle for the star plot line in this book. Randy, the gay Southern, kidnapped van driver, is now an incredibly buff Paladin. Randy is a humble character, and while he deals with latent guilt over being gay, he’s instantly liked by the Whore’s Head residents. It’s difficult not to like Randy, and I totally forgive Bevan diverting the story to focus on his plot. The people at the Whore’s Head explain to Randy later, because Randy is a Paladin, he has to worship a god. Being the good Christian that he is, he picks Jesus Christ. A glitch in the C&C game causes Jesus to manifest as a New God in the C&C world, and Randy gains incredible healing powers. He heals people in the name of Christ–this never gets old–and eventually gains enough notoriety as the first disciple of the New God to meet the king. This seeming diversion is what eventually turns out to be the ‘real plot’ of this story.

Because Mordred is the CM and knows everything about said game, he releases a lich king, who heads straight for Cardinia with an army of orcs. This ends in a climactic battle, where everyone dies and is resurrected as zombies in service of the lich king. Except Randy is there, and he prays to Jesus Christ, who manifests in the C&C world.

That’s right, Jesus comes to fight a lich king. Whatever other problems this book had was worth it for that battle.

The C&C adventure continues but in a series of short stories. I loved this absurdist fantasy world, but I’m not a huge short story fan. If you are, there are plenty of them.

Rating: 4 stars because while there are some amazing plot moments, this book felt more disjointed than the strongest books in this series.

Bestsellers of 1986

Read it for the Le Guin quote. Algorithms are something I work with, so I have ideas on how certain ones weight different variables.

Notes from An Alien

A book’s being a “bestseller” doesn’t automatically make it a “good” book… 

Image Courtesy of Judith P. Abrahamsen ~ http://www.freeimages.com/photographer/jpmgrafika-36454

Here’s a past post with a group of “all-time” bestseller lists.

Then, the past post that explores what a “bestseller” might actually be…

And, I need to mention that the list of bestsellers from 30 years ago which I’ll share is made up of books that sold lots of copies in the USA.

I live in that country and know it’s had lots of influence on other countries; but…

Well…

Perhaps, even if you live in another country, it might be interesting (maybe only “defensively”) to know what “Americans” were reading in 1986 (courtesy of Aerogramme Writers’ Studio):

10. A Perfect Spy by John le Carré
9. The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy
8. Last of the Breed by Louis L’Amour
7. I’ll…

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BOOK REVIEW: Critical Failures #3

Critical Failures #3 A Storm of S-words by Robert Bevin

The title alone is a work of satire. It was this title that convinced me to check out the entire series!

A Storm of S-words begins with Tim discovering that Mordred is alive–and shitting in his freezer. Only this series would start with a guy taking a dump. However, Tim & Co can’t keep Mordred trapped, and he escapes. Oh, and there’s another problem–they’ve all come back to their world as their C&C characters.

That poses a unique set of problems for all of the characters. Tim is mistaken for a child several times, which causes an awkward encounter with a pedophile. Yeah, this book doubles down on the already outrageous levels of inappropriate in this series when the story shifts settings to the real world. They need to find Mordred and get his dice, but they have to be stealthy because they draw too much attention to themselves as their C&C characters. This leads to the genius plan to steal a white van–a pedophile van. Tim kidnaps Randy, a gay Southern man, because they need his van to ride around in. This ends with Tim cutting off someone’s balls. Of course, that’s literal. It’s this series.

Meanwhile, Julian and Cooper go to a CDC poison clinic to resolve Cooper’s poisoning at the end of C&C #2. They meet Stacy, the lab tech, who is drop-kicked into this world of crazy. Stacy knows Katherine, who cheated with her boyfriend, and because it’s Katherine, she’s not the least bit sorry. Now that she’s a vampire, Katherine’s already stubborn personality gets turned up to eleven. Katherine can turn others into vampires, and she looses control of her first victim, Ginfizzle (aka Ginny). Unable to control herself, Katherine also attacks Butterbean, her wolf/animal companion. She stops herself from killing him, but Ginfizzle wants his blood, leading to a massive vampire-on-vampire brawl. Anytime Katherine appears, she’s bound to cause problems. This is no exception.

This brings me to the best team-up of C&C: Katherine and Cooper. These two incredibly selfish yet weirdly endearing characters have to track down Ginfizzle before he turns others into vampires and kills his way through Mississippi. Katherine and Cooper’s rampage starts with a revenge trip to the pizza delivery shop where Cooper used to work, where he terrorizes his former manager, Derrick. Then, Cooper and Katherine invade a Dick’s Sporting Goods because that’s a plot in this story. That scene is the absolute best in the book. This is also the first time I’ve read some weird hybrid of NFL slapstick/satire in a fantasy book. Go with it.

While Katerine and Cooper destroy Mississippi, Tim, Stacy, Julian, and Dave brainstorm how to fix their major problem of still being their C&C characters. To capture Mordred, they use Stacy as a honey pot trap. She goes on a date with Mordred to the Olive Garden, which ends predictably poorly when Katherin and Cooper’s hot mess hunt for Ginfizzle tips off Mordred that Stacy was bait. This ends with Stacy being transported to the C&C world and becoming the prisoner of the Four Horsemen.

Mordred’s ultimate weapons are his dice, which give him the ability to summon the now leveled up Four Horsemen to usher in the Teenage Dick Apocolypse to the real world. They corner Mordred, and because this series isn’t going to end anytime soon, Mordred’s plans go awry, but the ultimate problem–how to go back to normal humans instead of C&C characters–isn’t resolved.

Rating: 5 stars. This is the best C&C book in terms of action, plot, and character development. It’s also the best fantasy novel title pun I’ve seen.

BOOK REVIEW: Going Through the Change

Going Through the Change by Samantha Bryant

Going Through the Change is about four women who develop superhero powers via naturopathy and pseudo-science. Can you tell the problems I had with this book? There were lots of things to like about it as well, but this is one of those ‘you touched all the wrong spots’ books for me.

The book opens with Linda turning into a man. This scene is done well, and it stays on the light-hearted side of body transformations. Of course, I loved American Werewolf in London, so I clearly have a preference for gruesome body horror. If you’re a horror light-weight, this book should work well for you. All the powers and changes work on a lighter level, and the pacing never overplays the graphic aspects. It feels more like Adam West Batman versus Christopher Nolan Batman.

Patricia was my favorite character. I liked Jessica as well, and all three of the main protagonists–Patricia, Jessica, and Linda/Leonel–are all likable. They develop authentic relationships, and Patricia, in particular, walks an interesting line between being likable and competent. She also is the character with the most dramatic transformation, which endeared me to her.

Now, onto the parts of the book I hated. All of the characters develop their powers via magic emerald dust made by Dr. Cindy Lu–the Chinese doctor/medicine woman/mad scientist. Superhero stories get away with a lot of ‘how we got our powers’ absurdity, which is probably why I tend to loathe origin stories, and this book is no exception. There’s the magic soap, the magic tea, the magic skin cream…you get the idea. It’s all based around pseudo-science garbage, which made for a doubly uninteresting origin story. Yes, Peter Parker got bit by a spider, and that’s stupid, but he didn’t bathe himself in freaking soap. That’s a new level of dumb.

If you can get over the ridiculous kick-off plot, which I wouldn’t blame you if you can’t–the writing is lighthearted and the characters work well. The idea is hooky–what if older women were superheros?–and the book revolves around these female friendships. Helen is the only character I considered underdeveloped, but the plot makes apparent why that is. Cindy, for all that I hated the stupid reasoning she was a mouthpiece for, is a paranoid and fully developed character that’s struggling with the limitations of human knowledge and technology.

The story ends on a cliff-hanger, too, but I was more relieved and less excited. Yes, I want to know what happens to Cindy, but if it involves more emerald-powder-fake-science nonsense, then I’m not sure I care so much. Still, the sequel promises to be about Patricia more, which is great because she had concrete character development from someone who distrusted people and doubted others competancy to someone that could be a team player. I liked that.

Rating: 3 stars. There’s nothing particularly wrong with this story, and the right person might love it. It’s a unique twist on the superhero genre, but too cutesy for my particular taste–which are apparently bloody, graphic, and crude.

BOOK REVIEW: Critical Failures #2

Critical Failures #2 Fail Harder by Robert Bevin

At the end of CF #1, Tim & Co are stranded in the C&C world because Tim’s gambit to get them back to the real world by tricking Mordred into locking himself in a freezer backfired. Tim & Co travel to Cardinia, the capital city, because there’s not a reason to stay in the dangerous forest. Oh, and they’re looking for a bar to get shitfaced.

With Mordred dead, Tim & Co have to figure out how to get back to the real world. The benefit is that they don’t have Mordred dicking with them in this book. This turns out to be a good thing–they can work on the spell to get them back–and a bad thing–without Mordred, there might not be a way back. Period. First, they go to a bar with a minotaur bartender and get drunk. This scene is lovely, and I wanted more minotaur bartender and his no-nonsense attitude. We’re introduced to Millard, who lures Katherine and Chase back to his fortress. You can tell that this is going to end badly.

Tim, Dave, Cooper, and Julian go to the Whore’s Head Inn, where they meet Frank and all the other humans that Mordred trapped in the C&C world. These people have been around the C&C world for a while, so they’ve bought a place to stay away from the local NPCs and not draw attention to themselves. Tim & Co cause these people a lot of problems. Because they’re dicks. That’s how this series is–the main characters are awful. Specifically, Tim continues to level up in dickishness throughout this book. However, there are four teenage boys who’ve nicknamed themselves the Four Horsemen, and they’re introduced literally kicking a puppy. These guys don’t care about beating up on the local NPCs. The Horsemen are determined to curb stomp every NPC in the C&C world because it’s all fantasy to them. There are shades of Thomas Covenant’s dickery in these characters in that they don’t believe the C&C world is real, and they take that opportunity to do whatever the hell they want. Just imagine the Call of Duty trolls set loose in a fantasy world that has zero defenses against asswipes. They’re really effective villains, too.

The star plot point of this book involves staking a vampire in the most hilarious way possible. There’s no way a plot involving a dildo vampire stake can be wrong. And if it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right. Once again, there’s a weird tragedy to the entire affair because Tim & Co are kind of in the wrong and–as usual for this series–were major dicks to the vampire.

There are plenty of expected plot elements in CF #2, and while I didn’t feel it was quite as enjoyable as CF #1 in its twists and meta humor, I still loved it. It takes time to introduce the new characters, and they all suffer from being slightly forgettable. I loved the direction the overall story went in, though, so I’m forgiving of the underwhelming new characters. CF #2 ends on the mother of all cliffhangers, too, so I immediately jumped into CF #3.

Rating: 4 stars. The beginning feels strung out, and although the new characters in Cardinia are great, it feels like too many, too soon. The plot with Millard, the vampire, provides amble humor.

BOOK REVIEW: Silent Hall

Silent Hall by NS Dolkart

Silent Hall is about five island teens that are the only survivors of a particularly gruesome curse that causes everyone else on the island to die on land. We’re introduced to each character quickly and in successive chapters. There’s Narky, who murders a ‘love rival’ in the first chapter. That’s how you start a book!

I’m going to talk a lot about the characters because they’re what made me love this story. And the best part about Silent Hall? It never slows down when introducing characters. We meet the other four main characters–Pheadra, Hunter, Bandu, and Criton–in the next several chapters. It becomes apparent something bad is going to happen, and all of the islanders except the five teens are dead by like chapter seven. This story really waste time and keeps the plot moving. There’s enough in this book for an entire trilogy’s worth of action, but it doesn’t feel rushed.

The entire Five Man Band–my favorite trope–is done exceedingly well here. The leader is, oddly enough, Narky, the murderer. The lancer is definitely Bandu, the feral child. Criton is the smart guy, Hunter is the big guy, and Phaedra is the chick. I loved Bandu and Hunter, and Bandu is a *motherly* version of the lancer, which is a fun twist on that character archetype. Hunter is surprisingly reserved and sensitive for the big guy, and I connected with both of these characters. As the smart guy, Criton drives a lot of the plot because it’s heavily based in questing for new mythology. Out of all of the characters, Pheadra is the least developed. I feel her arc never came to completion (sequel?). I can’t get out of talking about characters without mentioning Psander, the wizard who owns Silent Hall. Psander never came into focus as a character for me, and she mostly serves as a plot device. The main five are strong enough that it doesn’t matter that much.

The plot moves fast, and you’re constantly deciphering the new mythology that comes along. The mythology focuses on the gods and the barriers between the worlds. I was as frustrated as the characters were not to learn more or know more. The obscurification felt almost too purposeful in some parts of the story, and some explanation on how magic works was sorely needed. The most exciting part of the novel focuses around the elves, who are not the friendly, fairy creatures of folklore. They’re strong warriors and gather their powers from an evil tree. We do find out–fairly quickly, too–how the elves powers work and why they work. I think that made that part of the story more concrete and helped propel the action.

The weakest part of Silent Hall is how Psander and her missions feel underdeveloped. They’re basically fetch quests, and while the five characters have emotional reasons for wanting them to happen, it’s never explained why Psander’s magic works. This does hurt part of the ending of the book.

Notes:

I couldn’t stop thinking of ‘narking’ every time I read Narky. I have no idea if this was intentional on the author’s part.
The romance plots surprised me. They felt realistic, if not fully developed, and I felt ‘sequel’ in those unresolved stories.
I read a lot of fantasy series where people natter about religion this summer. Can’t say I particularly enjoyed that aspect of this book.

Rating: 5 stars. This book wasn’t fun, but it was action packed, and I liked all of the characters.

BOOK REVIEW: Critical Failures #1

Critical Failures #1 by Robert Bevan

There’s not enough truly humorous fantasy in this world. There’s so much grim dark, but I love absurdism–and does this story ever deliver. I’m going to review each of the four books in the main series arc separately, even though I read them in a box set.

Critical Failures isn’t an original plot–D&D…wait, C&C…nerds get transported into their game world by a dick of a dungeon master, Mordred. They literally become their characters. Tim is a halfling thief, Dave a dwarf cleric, Julian an elven wizard/sorcerer, and Cooper a half-orc barbarian. Later in the book, Tim’s sister, Katherine, and her date-but-not-boyfriend, Chase, are transported to the C&C world as well. Katherin is a half-elf druid, and Chase is…a bard. Because someone has to be.

I’ve never read a sword and sorcery fantasy with so many dick jokes and fart jokes. It’s amazing. The adult humor makes some of the subtle character moments–I promise that they’re there–work well instead of making them feel cheesy. This plot flies on wings of audacity, which makes the cliche avalanche feel fresh and new. For example, healing magic is painful at first–and then you orgasm. Or shit yourself, if you’re Cooper.

Magic healing–painful yet relaxing.

The main antagonist is Mordred, who manipulates the C&C world to dick with Tim & Co. Tim is kidnapped by Captain Righteous, whose name is hilarious, but he ends up being a weirdly interesting character. Same with Shorty the gnome prison guard. That’s the genius of this book, really. It gives a sweet, sweet nerd fix while playing with elements of character and making everything that can feel…well, cheesy…about D&D feel fresh and real. It’s kind of hilarious to me that so much *bad* fantasy has been inspired by D&D, and yet, this D&D fanfic/love letter feels new and fresh.

Maybe it’s the swearing. Maybe it’s because that this story captures the heart of playing D&D with your stoned friends. Not that yours truly has ever done that. *ahem*

This is clearly going to be a long series, so the ending isn’t resolved. It’s satisfying, but I went into the end knowing this series continued. The main ‘kick-off’ arc with Mordred has a satisfying twist that allows the gang to tango out of immediate danger, but for a steep price. The characters remain in the C&C world–good for us, bad for them.

The number of dick jokes won’t disappoint.

Rating: 5 stars I dare you not to laugh.

Fisking Joe Nutt on YA Fiction

I came across this gem of click bait on reddit. (Warning: click if you want to head desk.) For the record, I love r/YAwriters, and this got posted so that a bunch of us could tear it down. Joe Nutt (I love that this guy’s name is also Joe Nutt) is fretting about the state of young adults fiction and teenager’s reading habits. He’s got a lot to say, and I maybe agree with one sentence. Let’s do this.

Can I read past this first line? This piece is going to be hot garbage.

I’ve drafted an outline for a bestselling young adult novel. It features a transgender school dropout with autism who meets a self-harming vampire with a heart of gold, hell bent on bringing peace to the world. Together they embark on a magical quest to find an ancient crystal with the power to render all weapons useless. Oh, and the protagonist’s mother makes a living selling legal highs to illegal immigrants.

That book? I’d read it. Instead, I’m going to read this shit post.

In that time, I learned a significant lesson. Nothing is more guaranteed to turn a teenager off a book than sensing the writer is proselytising.

Funny, this is why I remember most of my classmates hating the ‘classics’–it’s just a bunch of authors proselytising. In all books? Certainly not, but let’s not forget that books we now today consider essential parts of the English language canon started out as ‘pulpy trash’.

So much young adult fiction is little more than a florid expansion of those headlines about the new love in Jennifer Aniston’s life, Taylor Swift’s dietary obsessions or Kim Kardashian’s latest sex tape.

We have not been reading the same books.

She also told me how there was a complete absence of non-fiction being published for schools or for teenagers today.

We found Wikipedia.

This isn’t about education ministers asserting their youthful passions for Shakespeare.

If it was, I’d be fine with it. Reading every play by Shakespeare in high school and college was informative. Instead, there’s a wordy paragraph about ‘cultural inheritance’ as if that means something grand. I’ve read ‘the classics’. I’ve liked some and detested others. Not at any point have I felt like I’m ‘inheriting’ a culture.

I would be asking them where are those vital books for teenagers that introduce them to the real, adult world?

Teenagers are reading those books. They’re just not shelved where you think they should be, the stories not told by the people you think should write them.

Books through which someone on the cusp of growing up gradually comes to appreciate what that means in terms of roles and responsibilities?

As a teen, I turned to fantasy to escape responsibilities I couldn’t grasp, couldn’t emotionally understand. I write YA because some of those emotions still don’t make sense. The difference is, as an adult, I’ve had practice dealing with them. And I still read YA because I relate to those complicated feelings–yes, even the ones I don’t intellectually agree with.

For far too long publishers and others have patronised or turned teenagers off reading entirely with books they think are good for them, instead of helping them seek out and enjoy books that matter.

Like you’re doing, right now, in this piece?

The Reviewer’s Review

I’m dealing with a huge review backlog at the moment, even though I’ve been reading. A lot. So many books!

That’s nice, and I’ve got a lot of gushy reviews I need to write about a dozen books now (it’s been a good summer for fantasy reading). Since I blogged last, I’ve done a massive laundry list of things:

Took summer classes in statistical genetics.
Finally proficient at coding, comfortable with Linux.
Adopted a pet tortoise!
Hiked the Wonderland Trail.
Hiked the Skyline Trail.
Went canyoneering for the first time. (Slot canyons are freaking fun!)
Biked the San Juan scenic highway. (First bike tour!)
Wrote 2 books, started 2 more. (These will be talked about in future posts for sure.)
Submitted one of those finished books to PitchWars 2016.
Presented in lab meeting, writing a paper.
Got a co-authorship on a New England Journal of Medicine paper.
Spent 2 rainy days in a tent in the Mt. Baker wilderness but went to an awesome coffee shop

On Writing | What am I writing? —

Once I mentioned that I was writing a novel, I got a few questions about what it is exactly that I’m writing. At the moment, I don’t want to share the exact details of the story. Partly because it is still being planned and structured, and things may either change, and partly because it still […]

via On Writing | What am I writing? —