Phoebe Prince's Blog: HD Lynn, author, page 10

Book review: My Sister’s Reaper

My Sister’s Reaper (Reaper’s Rite #1) by Dorothy Dreyer

Goodread’s Review

Zadie’s sister Mara was hit by a bus and is in a coma, and Zadie is feeling guilty about chasing a boy, Gavin, while her sister is on the brink of death. Zadie’s guilt isn’t misplaced because she has magic powers, and she thinks she might be able to bring her sister back to life. The novel starts slow and gains traction, and the initial focus is on Zadie and her BFF, Naomi, who are both obsessed with getting a double date with the afore mentioned Gavin and his cute friend, Danny. But this story builds from Sweet Valley High to haunted house, and that’s where its strength is.

The action is more ghost story than slasher flick, which works well for the nebulous mythology woven around Vila and Reapers. The magic in this book works best when it’s left vague, and it feels like a cope out when the ‘control the four elements’ plot is added; that aspect of Zadie’s training feels like filler for something that should’ve been more interesting. The heist plot was also the most underwhelming heist scene I’ve ever read, too, and additionally felt like filler.

The highschool humor felt real, and this serves to elevate the characters above the difficult plot moments. I could see some of my high school friends reacting the way the characters did to many of the circumstances in the novel (even when the events themselves feel bland, the characters don’t). Zadie and Naomi have the most developed relationship in the novel, and I genuinely liked Naomi; Zadie’s character suffers a bit from having to shoulder the emotion burdens of the story, but I bet she’d be more fun in happier circumstances. Mara isn’t very well fleshed out (there’s a good reason for it), but I never got a solid idea of what Zadie and Mara’s relationship had previously been like before the accident. Zadie and Naomi felt more like sisters than Zadie and Mara did. It took longer for Gavin and Chase to feel real to me, but their characters get there.

The high school tropes abounded in this novel, too, and they worked for the sweet romance that developed between Gavin and Zadie; it’s a genuinely cute romance with all the hallmarks of first love done in a non-cliché way. However, I’m a little weary of the popular, alpha bitch character being used as the stock bad guy in every novel featuring a nerdy, plain girl as the protagonist. It just feels lazy to me, but maybe that experience of thinking of all popular/pretty girls as Plastics is something I never experienced so it doesn’t resonate with me. I understand that teens can be terrible to each other, but some of that bled into lazy characterization.

Dreyer’s writing voice is completely comfortable linking together the disparate parts of this novel, and that’s what ultimately saves it. The dialogue is sharp and authentic, and Zadie’s experience really captures the turmoil of juggling high school stress, relationships, and taking on a bigger role in life.

Random Thoughts:

Cation: this is an example of how you use science terms correctly in a paranormal fantasy novel. It’s a sharp insight, and I liked it.
The ugly floats thing rang true for me. Don’t pretend you didn’t paint/make some ugly floats or set pieces for a play in high school.
Is it ever a good idea to let your friend dye your hair?
I’m 90% sure I knew a Gavin in high school, and if Gavin said his favorite band was the Black Keys, I would have to email Dreyer and ask her if that’s a pen name because that characterization was uncanny.

Read if: You want a paranormal book that feels more like a ghost story that turns ordinary events like taking a bath, going to a slumber party, or building a float into a supernatural occurrence. If you’re sick of vampires, werewolves, demons, or other supernatural creatures, this could be the paranormal book for you.

Beware if: You want a mystery. There is no mystery to this plot, and I kept expecting one, but what you see is what you get in this novel.

Rating: 3 stars — loved the writing style, but didn’t connect with some of the characters and didn’t enjoy parts of the plot

Review for The Fifth Vertex

Review of The Fifth Vertex by Kevin Hoffman

Goodreads Review

Urus is a young man living in the culture that values warriors above all else…and he’s about to be culled, turned into the biggest pariah in his society. If you want to know what the phrase ‘start where the action begins’ means, read the beginning of this book; Urus starts the novel ready to commit suicide because he considers himself worthless and a failure at the one goal he wanted his entire life (his uncle and best friend are elite warriors, so it does make sense from a personal angle that he’d want to join their ranks).

One of the initial things that drew me to this book is that Urus is deaf; this is used as a genuine character struggle for him in the story. I get annoyed at characters in fantasy that are given cheap struggles; writing organic struggles for a character is difficult, and Urus’s struggles feel very personal, very real. The other main character, Calix (she gets a second name that never ends up mattering) has a unique voice, but comes across as too generic of a spunky heroine (she’s orphaned, she’s a bit sassy, she’s a fighter). Goodwyn is the best-friend and skilled at a special style of fighting; he’s initially used as a foil of success to Urus’s failure, but the beauty of this story is that, like all worthwhile fantasy, it evolves beyond its initial premise. No character embodies is more than Goodwyn and his arc.

Urus, Calix, and Goodwyn each get their own personal backstory reveals, and what struck me was how surprising they were simply because the author didn’t foreshadow them too heavily. There’s so much going on in this novel that I did slip over the clues planted in the text, and the flashback scenes literally happen right before the moment when they’re important. The final part II reveal for Urus is something you might be able to guess because it comes late enough in the novel, but Goodwyn and Calix had two out-of-left-field reveals. Calix’s reveal isn’t particularly inventive (I did say I thought she was the regrettably weakest of the main POV characters), but Goodwyn’s deepens his character and is genuinely heartwarming.

This novel has loads of world building, but it manages the often difficult task of not feeling derivative. There’s a lot of repetition about Kestian culture I really could’ve done without; there’s a few ‘as you know, Bob…’ moments sprinkled throughout the novel as well, but you’re reading high fantasy. This is a genre that’s more about world building crack than any other, and if that’s your thing, this book is your jam. The Waldron, Kestian, and briene cultures are fully fleshed out, and there are characters who have different jobs and different goals, even within the same culture. Urus, after being made an out-sider to Kestian culture, goes from parroting its values, to questioning them, and finally rejects them. (Seriously, this is a well-done fantasy hero.) The last culture of island farmers introduced were a disappoint, though, because they felt like stock character Fantasy Peasants; they’re simple, they like to live humbly, they’re open to strangers…it was the least believable culture in the novel (and I’m including an extinct Atlantis style civilization in that category, too. Seriously, a culture you don’t even meet is more fleshed out than those peasants).

The fantasy elements are in-your-face; there’s no tip-toeing around the magic in this novel. There are sigilords who can draw sigils, a powerful and rare ability, but they’re all supposed to be dead. There are blood mages, which are the most exciting magic users in the story because they fully utilize their powers in all kinds of gory and surprising ways. The arbiters are the third, mysterious force in the novel, but the character that’s an arbiter is fairly easy to spot, and that reveal wasn’t surprising for me. There’s even some steampunk thrown in for fun because the briene are dwarf like engineers, and the Waldron people have their own special fighting style that’s enjoyable to imagine.

The end of the book did make me want to scream at the page, and if the ending had broken a certain way, I really wouldn’t have given this book 4 stars. Something happens that threatened to undo so much goodness that was present in the novel up until that point, but there’s a convenient loophole used that made everything work out in a satisfying way. This is a novel that grabs your attention and keeps the focus on the characters, even when it is bathing you in world building.

Random thoughts:

It’s initially a bit difficult to tell if Urus is deaf or not. I had to double check to make sure he was deaf at the *start* of the novel. Don’t let this throw you because he begins the novel deaf.
The blood mages use a lot of blood. Often, it’s Evil Dead level of gore, so just ignore how little of the human body is *actually* made up of blood. Just…pretend they puree the organs or something. I did love how disgusting their magic was, even if I didn’t find Calix herself incredibly interesting.
The world ‘quantum’ is used several times to explain the sigilord’s magic—I loathed every mention of it because the explanation doesn’t go any deeper than New Age word salad. The magic system could’ve easily stood on its own without using quantum as a prop.

Read if: You want something that harkens back to older fantasy, but one that doesn’t feel like a rehash of stale worlds. The world building is a delight, and it weaves in with who the characters are in a way that comes off as organic.

Beware if: Ye Olde English bothers you; the dialogue isn’t terrible, but it’s not the shining star of the novel (and the characters are developed well even with sub-par dialogue in some parts). None of the characters in this novel are there for character relief, either, and it’s a pretty heavy novel from beginning to end.

My rating: 4 for world building and a main character that was heroic while struggling and being genuinely flawed

Book review: Fade (Book 1 of the Ragnarok Prophesies)

Fade (The Ragnarok Prophesies) By A.K. Morgen

Goodreads review

A struggling young woman searching for meaning in her life, a tragic family event, a mysterious man…this story starts off with all the paranormal fantasy hallmarks. The main character Arionna reminded me of Elena from the first season of the Vampire Diaries when she was introduced; this is not a bad thing. Remember how you used to care about Elena? Back in the day when she had agency and choices? Me, too. If you liked that version of Elena, Arionna is the protagonist for you. Arionna cares a lot about her dad and friends. That said, Arionna falls into the trope of lost-little paranormal heroine once and a while; the bonus is she doesn’t need constant saving, so that’s a thing.

On her first day at school, Arionna meets Dace, a mysterious man with something dark inside him. It’s not love at first sight—more accurately lust at first sight. This is not a meet-cute; this isn’t going to be a sweet romance filled with sighing and love notes. These two want each other in a physical way. The romance element picks up quickly, so there’s no will-they-won’t-they time wasted. (Hint: they definitely will, but there are some trust issues in the way.)

The murder mystery mid-book was a pleasant surprise; it takes the story in a slightly different direction than I was expecting it to go in. The side characters (the triplets, Mandy, Ronan) didn’t annoy me, but the death of a character gives weight to their characters. There’s also a genuine question about why that particular character was murdered, and that event kicks of the major mythology plot of the book, which is a modern weaving of the Norse end-of-days.

The mythology about the Berserkers is interesting, and it’s fresh enough that it works, continuing to build and build until the climax. I wasn’t super crazy about Dace being an Alpha, but the saving grace of this book’s mythos is that it doesn’t dwell on anything too long for it to get annoying. Instead, more layers of myth are revealed. The story is set in a world where mythology kitchen sink exists; as an urban fantasy fan, bring it (love this trope). I was a bit disappointed at the mythology drop about Gage; I wish the reveal would’ve been, well, cooler. However, the author saves the best myth reveal for the end of the novel with Ronan.

A personal pet peeve did crop up in this story for me, which kept me from loving it. The characters comment on how weird or special they are. It’s not just with one or two characters, but every single character is ‘an unusual girl’ or ‘attracts weird things.’ That put me into auto-pilot through a chunk of this story. If the character is special, I should be able to tell that without every conversation being about how unique said character is. Dace is a Berserker; Arionna has a connection to the Berserkers that doesn’t become clear until later in the novel. However, the reveals themselves are satisfying. Both of these things didn’t need to be dressed up by having the characters waste time telling each other how different and unique they were.

Random thoughts:

Parents hiring professional bartenders. That made me laugh out loud. Does that happen at small colleges in the US? As far as I know, that’s never been a thing.
A large number of shout-outs in the naming of characters (Dace, Michealsons, Edwards, Jacobs…you get the idea).

Read if: it’s romance you want. This is the major focus of the book. Also, if you like NA (contemporary) reimaginings of mythology, this is a go, but it’s a darker reimagining and is definitely an NA book when Dace and Arionna’s relationship progresses. This book also has some twists in the mythology reveals that give the romance element a larger meaning.

Beware if: you don’t like the general set-up of paranormal books. My warning about characters goes double here, I think.

Rating: 3.5 – the beginning of the book is closer to a 3, but the mythology reveals elevates the later half to a 4.

It’s Alive!

God’s Play is out today! If you like urban fantasy with a wry sense of humor, check it out. I’ll post more about the book and inspirations for it as time goes on, but for now, here it is, in all it’s weird, dark glory.

Sixteen-year old Toby was trained by a family of hunters to kill shape-shifters—but he has a unique weapon in his arsenal. With a touch of his hand, Toby can lift the magical protection shape-shifters use to disguise themselves as human. It’s an unusual skill for a hunter, and he prefers to kill monsters the old-fashioned way: with a blade.

Because of his special skill, Toby suspects he may be a monster himself. His suspicions deepen when William, a jackal-headed shape-shifter, saves him from an ambush where Toby’s the only survivor. And Toby doubts William helped him for purely altruistic reasons. With his list of allies running thin, Toby must reconcile his hatred of shifters and the damning truth that one saved his life. It’ll take both of them to track down the monster who ordered the ambush.

And Toby needs his unlikely alley because he has a vicious enemy—the infamous Circe, who has a vendetta to settle against the hunters. Toby has to unravel the mystery of his dual nature. And he has to do it on the run—before Circe finds him and twists him to her own ends.

This is where you buy it. See? I make things easy for you.

The Revolution Will Be Blogged

I’ve be horrifically absent from this blog for several reasons, but the BIG GLARING ONE is that I’ve published my book! It takes time, homefries, to get a book ready for publication. As a n00b, I was not prepared for how much overthinking I would do during each round of edits. (Do I need to add a thought here? Is this dialogue line funny? Should I cut that sensory word? I’ve stared at this for hours and don’t know.) But it’s happened, the book is coming in September, and the blog needs to be reborn from the dark realms of the internet where it’s lingered. That said, I’m going to be announcing a new focus for the blog, updates, and changes.

Author interviews and book reviews:

The blog is called Throw This Book at Me. I loved the name, even when I struggled with focus in the nascent days of my writing. I’ll still keep some of the dinosaur archive, but I’m going to be turning my attention to book reviews now! I love to read and write, and this is a really natural out growth of that for me. I’ve been on the CP/beta track for years, too, so I’d love to spread the love about books and authors I’ve worked with whom I adore.

My books!

God’s Play is going to be a series. I’m planning the second book and working on another massive adult fantasy project. These things will start to pop up more on my blog. I also added a page for the books and changed the header to what is the cover of the first book (God’s Play, duh) because I love that cover.

But I followed your blog for hiking/snark/randomness!

Don’t worry, none of these things will be going away. I’m going to still do personal essays and other types of posts, but the focus is writing now. (Sorry not sorry) The snark is here to stay, but I want this site to have a focus now. If you started following me for the many other things I do in life, I would highly suggest my Twitter or Octopus Dive Bar (my personal tumblr blog, which has more of less morphed into my original vision of this site), both of where I talk about TV, movies, books, food, yoga, hiking, science, nature, and anything else I just happen to be thinking about.

A Season in the Show

H.D. Lynn:

Every writer needs to read this ASAP. You never know where your career is going, so just keep on it. Something will happen.

Originally posted on Whatever:

This last weekend I had an enjoyable time at the Confusion convention, which is no surprise, as I usually do — it’s one of the reasons I’ve gone back to it now for nine years running. I mostly hung out in the bar and talked to writers, doing the usual combination of business talk and complete idiocy, as writers generally do at conventions when they chat with each other.

One evening I talked to a couple of different authors about writing careers and the ups and downs careers have, and how from time to time we’re all filled with frustration with them, especially during a downturn. We all want to be on award lists; we all want to have bestsellers. If those things don’t happen we can wonder if what we’re doing matters much at all. As we were talking about it I came up with a metaphor which I…

View original 857 more words

The sickness in your head

When I did 30 hour famines to raise money for world vision, it was easy for me. I was already going every other day without eating — or subsisting on two yogurts and two cans of peaches a day. I figured I could at least put my ‘diet’ to good use. No one in my life knew what to do about this. I was naive enough to think they didn’t notice; they did, but no one knew what to say, what to do. My not eating was shameful, and it was easier to everyone to pretend it wasn’t happening.

Which didn’t make it go away.

The first time I googled trichotillomania, I cried. Ugly cried — tears all over the key-board, chest heaving sobs. Who wants to go bald? Why did I keep pulling? I had fantasies of shaving my head and just getting rid of all my hair that night. It didn’t want this disease to be my life, but it was. It still is. I can’t get rid of it. Saying, “Why don’t you try not being obsessed with your hair and skin pulling?” is like saying, “Why don’t you just trying not to be depressed?”

It doesn’t work that way.

Trich and anorexia are both fueled by shame, but it’s taken me over a decade to learn that. And keeping quiet, pretending these things don’t exist, isn’t a way to deal with them. Like a weed, shame is the root, and that’s what I target when anorexia or trich springs up in a new and exciting form in my life.

If you’re struggling with a mental disease, I wish I could say there was one guaranteed way to kill it off. There’s not, but I know that, and you probably do, too. I wage my own personal war against shame and worthlessness everyday, and sometimes I win, but other times, I’m unable to climb out of that spiraling pit that opens in my head when I start pulling my hair.

I want whoever googles trichotillomania to have a different experience than I did. There is behavioral therapy out there. There are people who won’t treat your disease like it’s gross. You’re not alone. Does it get better — sometimes. Does it go away — no. But it’s real, and you have permission to take care of yourself, to decide that you want something else besides your disease to define your life.

The Joys of Working Your Ass Off

Hurry up and wait — it’s the most frustrating emotional loop to fall into. This makes my life choices — research and writing — a hell of a patience test. I’m low on patience and not fond of surprises. This summer? It was trying. The moving, the constant travel, the settling in, and the endless check list.

And there’s only one solution to this: meaningful work. A new lab means new machines, new experiments. I got more into backpacking this year. I’ve written nearly 300k words in the past six months. These things? They’re the only antidotes I know to tedium.

On the hiking end, I got to go back to the Olympic Peninsula. And it’s awesome and beautiful, so I’m going to leave my favorite pictures from that trip here. Because, if nothing else, you can always have the mountains.

15 Camping Hacks That Actually Make Sense

I love me some nature — the animals, the walking, hunkering down in tents, snuggling in cabins, a good fire, the smell of the dirt, and the pure feeling of being immersed in scenery porn. There are many ways to go and be outdoors. I’m not about to tell anybody the ‘right way’ to enjoy nature or what parts should be most important to them. At this time of the year, people are gearing up to go camping and hiking. (Hey, I got a new tent. I’m ready!)

There are things you do in your own backyard or at your friend’s cabin that you can’t do in the back country — or even at a campground designed for car camping. Going into a public space — and most nature in the US is public land — means respecting the ecosystem and rules set up to protect you and the wildlife. If you haven’t hiked or camped a lot, things that seem ‘fun’ or ‘easier’ really fall under the category of ‘unnecessary’ or even ‘dangerous’. And the 41 Camping Hacks article has more than a few tips that aren’t nature friendly. Hell, they aren’t even real hacks. Here is my improved list of 15 tips that’ll help you have a better hiking and camping experience this summer.

That blue heron caught several fish — I was just too slow to photograph it

1. By an inflatable mattress and double it up with a yoga mat. You actually will be able to buy and find the yoga mat — you may already have one. And log onto Backcountry.com and you’ll be able to find plenty of deals on any level and price of inflatable mattress you want. Or just use a mattress — a foam or inflatable one depending on personal preference.

Inflatable mattress + yoga mat. Because let’s face it: many of you probably don’t even know where you can buy those foam pads

2. Using tin cans as a ‘portable food option’ to store bread is nonsensical. Let me give you a tip: the only thing you need to protect your food is a bear canister. This goes for car camping and backpacking. You can usually rent one, some campsites already have them at your site, and you can buy them for around $80. There are places that specifically require canisters, and that’s because canisters reduce the rate of bear/human incidents. Here’s a basic list of where bear canisters are required and where they’re highly recommended. It’s not just bears that get into your food. It’s ‘mini-bears’ — raccoons, squirrels, chipmunks, ect. — and they are vicious little vermin.

3. Don’t glue sandpaper to your match box. Buy storm proof matches and bring a second lighter option (I use a Bic cigarette lighter) for good weather.

4. Biodegradable toilet paper and sanitary wipes should cover all the pooping materials you need. Put them in a ziplock bag. If you’re in an area where you have to pack it out, place the TP bag inside of a second ziploack bag filled with a bit of backing soda. I’ve also used leaves and smooth rocks for TP, but if that thought makes you sad, just don’t go on prolonged wilderness backpacking trips.

I don’t know why you would do this — even when car camping. There are usually running water toilets when you’re car camping — so bringing toilet paper is unnecessary. And are you really going to lug around a coffee can on a hike?

5. Hammocks are cool — in theory. Everyone wants to go outdoors and lounge in a hammock. And you can. No problem. I just think there are cheaper ones than these ones that remind me of baby swings and cost $399.

It’s a $400 baby swing.

6. On the topic of soap and cleanliness: you’re in the outdoors. There is dirt. There are bugs. Don’t try to over-sanitize it because nature will just blow a big, dirty kiss at you. Dr. Bronners soap (unscented) soap is great for camping, and it’s affordable and easy to find. I use it to wash pots, pans, and myself.

This is a day hike during a car camping trip. Charlie’s messenger bag is what we carried to keep snacks, water, and first aid in.

7. I don’t even know what to say about the laundry detergent one. I’ve never seen anyone do this — nor have I ever had a ‘hand washing station’ even when car camping. This isn’t a hack at all — it’s more time consuming to construct and use than just pouring some drinking water over your hands. If you must, get a water filter and use the filtered water to wash your hands. Soap does kill germs, I promise.

This isn’t smart at all. Just use regular water and some soap.

8. This isn’t a hack, either. At the end of the day, all of your pots and pans should either go back in your car or into your bear canister. If you’re not car camping, make sure they’ll fit into the bear canister if you’ve done anything but boil water in them. Despite where you are (established camp ground or primitive site), your pots and pans should definitely not be handing on a tree. I just don’t understand the logic of this one. You can’t wrap those pots in a microfiber towel or put them into a trash bag to ‘keep them clean’? Remember the part about bears and mini-bears? If you’ve cooked food with those, you’re going to have guests coming to sniff at those pans.

Not a hack. If you want animals to come over and investigate your campsite looking for food, do this.

9. The ‘portable washing machine’ is hilarious (and tragic), and it’s another thing I’ve never seen anyone do. Ever, not even in my years of car camping. If you’re out for just 2-3 days, you can bring enough clothes to not have to wash any of them. If you’re on a more extended hiking trip, or feel you really need to wash something, that is what creeks are for. Or, my favorite trick, is to find camp ground showers and crawl in with my clothes on and wash them when I wash myself. Once again, this really isn’t a hack — you’re bringing more things with you that aren’t going to add to the enjoyment of camping. The real hack is showering with your clothes on.

I have never seen anyone do this.

10. There’s a lot of focus on creating lamps and light for your campsite. First, you’re probably going to get plenty of daylight (I’m assuming it’s summer). If you light a campfire, you’ll definitely have enough light. For extra light, flashlights and headlamps are all you should need. If you want ‘mood lighting’, go for it, but don’t use homemade oil lamps. They’re going to be more of a fire hazard than anything. If you’re in your tent, use headlamps when it’s dark. But don’t make hotel shampoo bottles into oil lamps. You will start a forest fire.

Pictured: an unsafe fire hazard

11. This is a picture of what is called ‘disposable hiking tape.’

Uses: none

If you’re hiking, here are two very important things you should do: 1) bring a compass (and know how to use it) and 2) bring a map. If you have problems using a compass and a map, you shouldn’t be going off trail. Hell, in many national parks and forests, there are areas where you specifically should not go off trail because if everyone did this, the ecosystem would get severely damaged. I posted my Olympic hiking photos from March, and we were told that the trail in the Hoh rainforest was a sludge path, but don’t go off the trail because if everyone did, the surrounding plant life would get trampled into mud. Trails are there to keep your clumsy, human feet from stomping all over nature. Many trails are well maintained or at least clear enough that a good (topographic) map should keep you from getting lost.

12. Don’t use a bucket and a milk crate as a disposable toilet. I’ve never seen this done, and it’s just as asinine as the laundry bucket idea. If you’re car camping, there are usually running water toilets. At some more primitive campsites, there are pit toilets. If you’re in the back country, you’re going to be digging catholes. If you’re not comfortable digging a hole and pooping in it, you shouldn’t be camping in the back country. Also, I don’t think I’d want to hike a full minute trying to carry a ‘disposable toilet’.

13. Once more with the light sources: don’t bring unnecessary fire hazards. Your best bet is to bring extra batteries for headlamps and flashlights. The phrase ‘emergency light source’ should equal ‘extra batteries’ in your mind.

Pictured: more terrible advice

14. Another quick word about food: Use bear canisters. If you’re car camping, coolers are great, but there’s a reason bear canisters have quickly become the norm in food storage regulations on federal lands — it’s because they work. Most of the food tips on this list aren’t bad — hell, one of the reasons I still go car camping is to bring the dutch oven and make some awesome food over an open fire. But I pack up my food properly at the end of the day.

15. Honorable mentions: there are some tips that are actually good. The instant coffee and the microfiber towel are things I do carry on all my camping trips. They’re easy — and they work for car camping as well as in the back country. A lot of these tips are not applicable if you’re hiking and camping when you have to lug stuff on your back before you get to your campsite. The food ideas are fine for cabin BBQs or car camping, but I won’t be hauling spices with me on the 4 day 45 mile hike I’m taking this summer.

Pictured: all you need to enjoy nature

You’re going to need the XL bleach bottle

There are times when it feels like someone threw your brains into a plastic cup like the dice you play Yahtzee with. Except you’re not playing Yahtzee. You’re playing Jenga and the dice are being chucked at the tower because I don’t understand how family game night works. But I do understand metaphors. And this is a metaphor for how it feels to move. You don’t know what genre-bending mash-up you’ve gotten yourself into, but you’re sure as hell in it. Knock that tower down. Roll a full house. There’s no scoring system for this.

In the Game of Moving, the points are made up. The rules don’t matter.

The first step — plan ahead. (Don’t worry, even if you skip this step, everything else still applies.)

The second step — planning ahead is a pipe dream. It means you might actually get a few things done, but it won’t be enough. You swept the floor? Whoops, do it again. Sent a box to Goodwill? Send another three! You filled your trash yesterday? Look at all this other junk you have to throw out. (You will learn, despite any effort you have made, you’ve still got too much crap.)

And start packing boxes. Then start packing in earnest. See all that stuff on the floor — it all has to go. Now. You discover you don’t know where to put your hair clips and random headbands because they didn’t fit into your scheme of boxes. Everything ends up traveling together (in questionable wrapping that may result in more than one glass breaking) because making ‘themed’ boxes by ‘type’ of item gets too complicated.

If you don’t have a time turner or aren’t a time lord, you’re going to run out of time. There will be at least one night where you’re scrubbing your kitchen, carpet, or bathroom at 1 am when you say to yourself (because no one is sane enough to help you), “I’m going to die of bleach inhalation. This is such an undignified way to go.”

When you leave a room — after declaring victory on scum, mold, and stains, you’ll sit down at your computer. It’ll be blissful to take a quick rest. When you go back to inspect your handy work, you will blanch in horror. You left a wine stain on the carpet; there’s a line of scum on the shower shelf. You forgot to scrub the wall around your trashcan. The only appropriate response: fuck it — grab the bleach, carpet cleaner, and bucket.

You will clean the floor more than once.

Even after you’re moved everything out and vacuumed up dust bunnies that look like tumbleweeds, it’s not over. You have to do the apartment walk through. You’re confident you’ve cleaned every spot — but you haven’t. You forgot the inside floor of your oven. Pro-tip: oven cleaner is another product you’ll need because you have to clean the oven. If your property manger is nice, you’ll get the chance to clean it up before he signs off on your apartment. If he’s not — whelp, say good-bye to more money.

Somewhere along the line, you lose the lists of what you need and what you don’t. Lists are for people who have plans. You’re being truly spontaneous now — whatever makes this move work is what you’re going to do. It’s an adventure designed for sadist germaphobes. You’re just unlucky enough to be playing their game. But at the same time, you’re moving — you’re onto something new. Something that might be better — but if not better, definitely novel.

So maybe you’re winning the game of moving. You picked bleach as your weapon. Your possessions might be reproducing while you sleep — but damn it, you’re going to win. Because in the Game of Life, you can most definitely roll a Yahtzee.