Megan Morgan's Blog, page 43

X – X-PLOSION

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

X-PLOSION

The witch screamed, her eyes huge when she saw the bottle of holy water—her one weakness. Satan’s minions could not endure the holy wrath of Heaven’s nectar. “No!” she shrieked. “No, I will not fail again. I will drain this lake!” She threw her arms in the air. The water in the lake began to churn and swirl, as though someone had pulled the plug…the Hell plug.

Hawk ripped the cork out of the bottle with his teeth and threw the contents on the witch. “The only thing going down the drain is you, witchy bitch!” He smiled at his own cleverness. He would have to remember that line and write it in his memoirs, which he would someday publish and would surely become bestsellers.

The witch’s screams grew louder. She clawed at her face as it began to sizzle like bacon…Hell bacon. She withered and collapsed on the sand. “No!” she cried. “What a world, what a world!”

The witch then vanished in a puff of black smoke. The waters of the lake were still. The night was silent, until Dropsy cried out. “Hawk, you saved me!”

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

I apologize, I’m cheating with today’s letter. But there’s not a whole lot of usable words that start with X.

The climax of a story should, even if it’s not happy, put a lot of conflict to rest and things should change. Things that might change are elements in the universe of your story, or a character–emotionally, mentally, even physically. The point is, after the climax, things don’t look the same. Something major has happened, a shift has taken place. If you’re writing a series, each book may have its own climax that sets things up for the next book. But make sure it all makes sense, and that you’re not just making pointless moves to wrap things up. As I’ve said several times, plant the bombs for the inevitable explosion long before you trigger them.

Also, don’t borrow details from literary classics like The Wizard of Oz, or people are going to notice.

I feel like I should apologize for this entire project, but I hope you’re all happy that Dropsy didn’t get sucked down the drain to Hell.

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

W – Winding Up the Climax

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Winding Up the Climax

As the sun sank below the horizon, Hawk stood on the shore with a sword in one hand and a machine gun in the other. Dropsy bobbed in the lake, anxious and distraught. When the last sliver of sunlight slid below the edge of the world, the evil witch appeared on the sand in a pillar of flame. Hawk’s muscles rippled with anticipation. He had devised a plan the witch would never see coming.

The witch howled with laughter. “Puny human, you cannot defeat me with your silly weapons. I am Satan’s minion, and tonight I will impress him and finally get a raise. He doesn’t think I’m causing enough trouble up here so I’m going to send him this lake to fill his evil bathtub. And it will have a pretty bath toy in it.” She smiled cruelly at Dropsy.

Dropsy wept. “I don’t want to be Satan’s bath toy!”

“You won’t be.” Hawk dropped his weapons on the sand. “I may not be able to defeat you with human weapons you evil old hag, but there’s something you don’t know about me.” With that, he whipped out a vial of holy water. “I used to be a vampire hunter, too.”

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

Winding up the climax is oftentimes a lengthy process. The ultimate showdown could be building for chapters, or the entire book, really. The important thing is that the tension is slowly cranked up until it becomes almost unbearable for your reader, until surely something must happen, and whatever happens will decide the fate of all characters involved. The villain will be defeated, someone will die, things will be changed forever. These stones must be laid out on the path which leads the reader to the inevitable confrontation.

Hopefully, you’ve planted the seeds earlier that will need to bloom in the climax. Using a deus ex machina—your hero suddenly just happens to be a vampire hunter who has holy water on him—will make readers angry. They want to see a satisfying conclusion, not for fate to swoop in and take care of everyone’s problems. That’s a letdown. A good way to avoid this is to figure out before you start writing how things will be resolved—even if only vaguely—and write toward that. Drop clues along the way. You’ll have far less readers calling for your head.

Also, I apologize, as past this point I’m cheating with my letters. I’ll be using phrases instead of words until the end, and as you’ll see tomorrow, an entirely made up word.

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

V – Villains

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Villains

Hawk prepared himself for the fight that would ensue at sundown. He would not let his beloved be sucked down the drain to Hell. He outfitted himself with every weapon he owned, including his specially-designed cleats with iron spikes for evil stomping, and returned to the water where Dropsy floated listlessly as she stared at the sinking sun.

“Tell me all about this witch,” Hawk commanded. “So I might know best how to stop her.”

Dropsy heaved a sigh. “I remember it all now. I was a young woman. My family had just built a cabin on the lakeshore. I was out gathering firewood. She appeared before me in a pillar of flame. She said she was a minion of Hell and she loved punishing humans. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time—she was in a bad mood because Satan had just given her a poor quarterly performance review for not tormenting enough humans. And so, she cast me into the lake, where I grew a tail and gills, and I would never see my family again.” She sniffed. “My father accidentally caught me while fishing once, but he was drunk and thought he was hallucinating.”

Hawk gazed at the setting sun. His broad jaw twitched and icy eyes glittered with malevolence. “You will have your vengeance, my darling. The only one going to Hell is that witch. Hasta la vista, baby.”

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

Villains are the second most important characters in your story, after your protagonists. Villains are often the reason for the story, the reason your protagonist even has anything interesting to do. If you want to write villains that are one dimensional, cartoonish, and merely evil for the sake of evil, there’s venues for that: comic books, comedy, children’s books–but if you’re writing something a bit more meaty, you’re going to have to flesh out your villains, and in some cases even make us care about them…sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

The best villains are the ones who have reasons for being evil, and especially understandable reasons. If your villain is a human being, something probably made them go bad. Maybe they were abused, mistreated, deprived—maybe they’re struggling against something powerful themselves, or reaching for something most humans can empathize with wanting. Maybe they’re psychologically disturbed. They probably didn’t just emerge from Hell filled with pure evil. One of my favorite villains is Voldemort from the Harry Potter series, because he started out seeming cartoonish, but in later books we discover he was a sociopathic human who grew up in difficult circumstances…which is realistic, and all the more chilling for it. The best villains, the ones that really scare us, are the ones we can actually imagine being real.

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

U – Understatement

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Understatement

The old woman—a witch, Hawk was now certain of it—took out her magic wand and lifted Dropsy from the sand so she levitated in mid-air. Dropsy shrieked and wriggled.

“Put her down!” Hawk tried to grab her, like a balloon that had escaped from a child’s hand at a fair in southern Minnesota in the middle of July, but he couldn’t reach her. “What are you doing, you evil old woman?”

The witch waved her wand and Dropsy flew out over the lake and splashed down in the water. Hawk ran in after her. He grabbed her and they swam back to the shore, but when Hawk tried to pull her out, Dropsy wouldn’t budge. He gasped, realizing what the witch had done. Dropsy was now bound to the lake and couldn’t get out. He tugged and tugged, but she was stuck like a basketball in a sewer drain.

The witch cackled. “At sunset, I will drain this lake.” She then vanished.

“What a bitch,” Hawk muttered. He sighed. This was not what he signed up for when he started dating a mermaid.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

Understatement is a method of communicating the importance of a plot point without using overwrought drama. Think of the dark moment of your story, the moment when things are the most dire and awfulness is happening all around—it’s easy to overexpress this moment, because it’s so bad. Adequately describing the gravity of the situation is difficult, and over-handling it can lessen its effectiveness. This is where understatement comes in. You can show the horror of something by not directly stating it.

If a character falls into a coma, it’s much more believable if their family members cling to each other, numb and weeping, wrapped in a sort of quiet, helpless pain. Having them scream, tear their hair out, and fling themselves down the elevator shaft in the hospital crosses the line into absurdity. Sometimes the most subtle expressions are the most meaningful. Alternately, using understatement when dramatics would be more effective can also ruin things. If your mermaid girlfriend just got trapped in a lake that’s about to be sucked down into Hell, perhaps some screaming would be in order, instead of just being sort of put-out about it.

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

T – Tension

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Tension

Hawk gathered Dropsy up and was about to carry her back to the cabin, when the wicked old lady appeared on the beach. She cackled. Hawk gasped and dropped Dropsy on the sand, and grabbed his trusty bowie knife from his hip. He had to protect his precious love. He couldn’t allow her to be hurt.

Dropsy shrieked at the sight of the old woman. She lay at Hawk’s feet, wet and covered in sand now like a battered chicken fritter waiting to be deep fried. “You!” Dropsy cried. “I know you were the one who turned me into a mermaid all those years ago. Having my brain boiled brought all the memories to the surface. I was a young girl, living on the banks of this lake with my settler family. We came here to build a home and live in peace.”

The old woman smiled a wide, fang-filled smile. “Yes, my dear. And now, for my ultimate revenge. I’m tired of all the rich vacationers who come to this lake every summer and stink things up with their Burberry cologne and ruin the scenery by lying in their lawn chairs reading their iPads. I’m going to open a portal to Hell beneath the lake and suck it down, and you along with it, you hussy.”

Dropsy screamed in despair. “Hawk, stop her!”

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

Much like starting with too much action at the beginning of the story, creating tension doesn’t require vampire witches, screaming, and sucking lakes into the dark abyss. Overdoing it doesn’t create tension but the opposite, making things absurd. Like a lot of other writing elements, tension has to be handled with subtlety. A glance across a room or an overheard conversation can create tension. Your character knowing a secret, noticing a warning, things slowly going from bad to worse—all these things create tension without beating your reader over the head with it.

Tension should build slowly, and through the entirety of the story, until it’s like a balloon that’s been filled with so much air it’s about to pop. If you fill the balloon too fast it will pop ahead of schedule. Tension-building applies to any story, whether it’s a heart-pounding mystery/suspense or chick lit. Every story has something at stake, or at least, one would hope. How we get to the point where the game is either won or lost involves tension. Make your reader hold their breath, but in such a way they don’t even realize they’re doing it until the balloon bursts.

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

S – Show vs. Tell

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Show vs. Tell

Hawk spent hours in the water with Dropsy, trying to nurse her back from her heatstroke. The day was long and difficult. He was worried and distracted, kicking himself for his mistake. Dropsy didn’t have a good day either, her symptoms were terrible. She suffered horribly.

Thankfully, when night fell she seemed to be doing better. She swam around and her tail turned back to the correct color. She was happy. Hawk was happy.

“I’ll never do something so stupid again, darling,” Hawk said. “I’m going to have to learn how to love a mermaid, and remember that you are bound by your limitations, like a three-legged dog.”

“I forgive you, Hawk.” Dropsy was serene. “I know you only want me to be with you, and I shall be. We’ll find a way to make this work between us. We must, for now that you’ve taken my innocence, I love you. I’ll risk all the hot tubs in the world for you.”

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

Show, don’t tell, is an adage writers hear all the time. Back in February, I wrote an extensive post on what show, don’t tell actually means. The short version is: a story should be like watching a TV show—you see things happening, you experience the events along with the characters. Telling is simply stating things and not really unraveling a story. You should paint a picture, not give a recounting. Hawk was distraught all day, so I should show him being distraught through his actions and words. Dropsy was delirious with heatstroke, so I should show you what she was going through, rather than just saying it. Showing has much more emotional resonance than merely stating something happened.

Showing helps you connect with your characters as an author, too. If you’re writing about their experiences in detail, both happy and sad, wonderful and terrible, you’ll start to feel for them like they’re real people—and that can only make your writing better. Make your readers connect the same way, by letting them share in your character’s suffering and joy. You can’t do that by just saying things happened. Really show us how, why, and when they happened, in excruciating detail.

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

R – Red Herring

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Red Herring

Hawk carried Dropsy to the lake and gently placed her in the water. She seemed delirious and he worried for her, so he went into the lake as well and held her, so she wouldn’t drown. “Oh, my beautiful darling.” He stroked her hair. “I’m so sorry. I should have known better. I should have remembered what happens when you boil a fish.”

Just then, a motorboat buzzed by. An old man sat in it and he peered at them with an evil glint in his beady eyes. The wake from his boat washed over them and Hawk bristled. Was this man in league with the old lady? Was he spying on them for her?

“You’re all gonna die!” the old man hollered as he sped away.

“Don’t worry,” Dropsy said weakly, “that’s just Crazy Pete. He sails around the lake telling people they’re gonna die.”

But, was that the truth? Or was she delirious with heat stroke? Was the man really harmless?

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

A ‘red herring’ is a literary device the author uses to create misdirection and make the reader believe one thing, in the hopes that when they reach the conclusion the reveal will be a surprise. This gets used a lot in mystery and detective novels, as well as suspense. It’s meant to distract the reader and lead them down the wrong path, to have them suspecting the wrong person only to find out the true villain is someone else. It can be a good thing, because a lot of readers like to have that awesome moment of realization, to slap their forehead and say “how didn’t I see that?”

However, this device must be used correctly. Being too heavy-handed about it ruins the effect. Also, while you’re leading the reader to believe one thing, the truth must also be encoded between the lines. You can’t lead someone to believe one person is the murderer while the real murderer is a janitor who only had one mention in the first chapter and was never seen again. The ‘big’ clues seem to point to the innocent person, but there must be little clues about the real murderer, too. So this is a literary device you should only use if you can pull it off with finesse and have your readers saying “wow!” at the end and not “hey wait a minute, that doesn’t make sense.”

Crazy Pete never killed anyone. He’s just telling the truth—we ARE all gonna die.

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

Q – Quandary

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Quandary

The next morning, Hawk made breakfast while Dropsy lay in the hot tub outside on the deck. He gazed out the window at her, smiling like a fool. Last night had been magical, breathtaking, everything he needed. He had already forgotten the rigors of running a business, about bucking broncos and Highland clan wars. For the first time in his life he was simply Hawk. And he liked the man, as much as everyone else did.

When he strolled out on the deck with a tray of the finest breakfast foods—toast, eggs, bacon, oatmeal, two pounds of Canadian bacon, more eggs, a pot of coffee, six cubes of sugar, a jug of milk, fruit, home fries, crepes, pancakes, waffles, a jar of syrup, and yet more eggs—he caught a wiff of something, something peculiar. The smell of fish boiling.

In horror, he dropped the entire tray of food and ran to the hot tub. He scooped Dropsy out of the churning water. She was flushed, her eyelids fluttering, her tail sizzling.

“Hawk,” she said weakly. “I fear I cannot live in your world. Take me back to the lake.”

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

A quandary is a necessary plot device—your characters find themselves faced with a challenge, or something that’s blocking what they want to achieve. In most stories you will have to make your characters struggle to get what they want. If everything is perfect and goes like it’s supposed to, it probably won’t be much of a story and you can write it all in one chapter. A quandary presents a problem that must be solved and the story is created in how your characters solve that problem. In romance, this often plays out in the form of the hero and heroine falling in love, but then something tears them apart or doesn’t allow them to be together. The suspense for the reader is in wondering how they will make it work, how their love will overcome.

Quandaries should be realistic though, not overwrought and dramatic to the point of becoming ridiculous. Throwing absurd roadblocks in the way of your character’s progress isn’t a good idea. Problems should arise organically—like they do in real life—or be born from the situation itself and the powers that are working against your characters. In other words, there’s lots of reasons a man and a mermaid might not be able to be together, you don’t also have to cook her in a hot tub. Fish soup, anyone?

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing

P – Purple Prose

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Purple Prose

Hawk put Dropsy in the bathtub for safekeeping. No mean old ladies would get her there. The sight of her floating in the water of his spacious tub with its massaging jets made his loins quiver. She gazed up at him with limpid blue eyes, her ruby lips parted in supplication. He couldn’t resist. He knelt next to the tub and kissed her.

She quivered like a flower beaded with dew at the first touch of morning light. She tasted like heaven, like all the goodness and peace and tranquility he’d missed out on in life. He scooped her up into his arms, the entire length of her supple, trembling form, half glorious woman, half sensual fish. She wrapped her tail around him like silken bonds he never wanted to escape from.

He stopped kissing her and drew back, to gaze into her eyes. “You are the answer to all my prayers.” His manhood surged like a knight on the battlefield, about to vanquish the enemy.

“And you mine.” She touched his face, her fingertips like a delicate breeze. “Oh, Hawk MacHardcastle, take me.”

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

‘Purple prose,’ defined as the overuse of flowery, metaphorical (and ridiculous) language, especially in moments of passion, is usually the domain of romance writers, but it can pop up in all sorts of writing. In defense of romance writers—if you aren’t one and don’t already know this—purple prose is the relic of a bygone era. Most romance writers do not use purple prose these days and it is in fact actively discouraged by editors and agents. The stereotypical, pulpy romance novel overflowing with throbbing manhoods and heaving bosoms is in the past and in fact was probably never as prevalent as it’s made out to be.

This sort of overblown, lurid language tends to pop up in other genres too, especially with writers who don’t typically write sex scenes. It’s my opinion that these writers are uncomfortable writing sex scenes so they try to make them sound artsy and pretentious (see the famous laughable attempt that Morrissey made in his novel List of the Lost.) There’s even an award dedicated to awful sex scenes. Here’s my advice on purple prose—don’t do it, ever. If you’re uncomfortable writing sex, don’t write it. And if you write about sex, just write about sex, without using the words ‘loins,’ ‘heaving,’ or ‘dewy flower.’

And you’ll be relieved to know, I will not write Hawk and Dropsy’s sex scene. We’ll fade to black here (I know, you’re all dying to know how you do it with a mermaid).

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, erotica, funny, romance, writing

O – Onomatopoeia

My A to Z Challenge theme is teaching you how not to write a book, or a short story, or any piece of creative writing whatsoever. For more information, including links to previous chapters and lessons, please refer to this post. Now buckle in and proceed with…

THE WORST ROMANCE NOVEL EVER WRITTEN IN 26 DAYS.

PANDORA’S TACKLEBOX

Billionaire Highlander cowboy Hawk MacHardcastle is tired of living the jetset life of champagne, bucking broncos, kilts, fast cars, and burning bundles of cash for warmth. Desperate to find meaning in his life, he retires to his family’s isolated cabin in the wilds of New Jersey, on the shores of majestic Lake Latrine.

There, Hawk plans on self-reflection and pursuing the great love of his life—fishing. However, Hawk’s self-imposed loneliness comes to an end when he makes a most unusual companion and fishing buddy.

Dropsy Velvet was once a young woman living on the shores of Lake Latrine with her settler family. However, a curse turned her into a mermaid and now she lives, sad and alone, in the depths of the lake. She hasn’t had human contact for close to fifty years, thanks to everyone either being terrified of her or thinking they’re drunk when they see her—but Hawk may be the connection to the world she’s been craving. Charmed by her innocent face, sparkling wit, and huge bare breasts, Hawk decides to help her find a way to lift the curse, as she will lift his: the curse of ennui and affluenza. But time is running out, for something sinister wants to flush Latrine away forever.

Onomatopoeia

With a whoosh, Hawk jumped up from the sand, his muscles straining and beard unfurling with a pop. He growled and looked up and down the dark stretch of sand. The old woman had vanished completely, with a poof. He splashed into the water, his feet squelching in the lake bed.

Dropsy was still sleeping soundly, but he scooped her up with a slosh. She opened her eyes and gasped. Her breasts boinged in front of her, her eyelashes fluttering.

“Hawk?” She clung to his muscular chest. “What’s happening? What are you doing?”

“I must keep you safe,” he snarled. “There are evil things afoot.” And with that he swished out of the water and tromped toward his cabin with her.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

Onomatopoeia are words that describe the sound something makes—words like ding, bang, plop, zap, and sizzle. These are useful in prose to convey sensory details, but they should be used sparingly. Why? Because you’re writing a novel, not a comic book (unless you are writing a comic book, then by all means). Overuse can seem weird and have a comical effect instead of what you’re going for. It’s more effective to not even mention sounds—there are lots of things, when described, we instantly hear in our head without being told. If I said someone jumped in the water, you’d hear and see the splash in your mind without being told.

Onomatopoeia is often italicized in prose, which draws even more attention to it, making overuse distracting. A lot of editors don’t want tons of italicization in your manuscript because it breaks up the rhythm and makes readers ‘hear’ the words differently. For example, do you ‘hear’ a difference when I write like this and WHEN I WRITE LIKE THIS? Best to keep distracting words, sounds, and changes in rhythm to a minimum. Keep the prose flowing smoothly. How’s that for a zinger?

Filed under: A to Z Challenge 2016, Pandora's Tacklebox Tagged: advice, blog hop, creativity, funny, romance, writing