Sanguinity Hematode's Blog: The Lives and Times of Darkness and Light - Posts Tagged "afghan"
Twas the Week Before Xmas and Stockings Were Stuffed
So I was like totally bored the other day cuz Mantissa's been out of town stumping for Elizabeth Warren, so I sat down to take a nap sitting up like the Elephant Man, and not because I had to, it was just more convenient than dragging my ass all the way to the bedroom and I had Darkness on one side and Light on the other because it was really fricking cold in the house even though this is Califuckingfornia where it's supposed to be hot, and as I dozed I started dreaming up shyte I could write about and all I could come up with was a litany of books that have already been written, but I couldn't think of the right titles, so while tossing and turning because of the cats on either side of my noze I kept on blurting out like the shtoner I was before I turned 30 and they took away all of my toys. And they sang:
1. The Catheter in the Rye... Some kind of hospital nursing memoirs squeezed through Salvador Dali's moustache by a fellow from Eton & Oxford yada blah blah.
2. For Him the Bell Toils?... Some kind of oy-vey-ful Yiddish novel about cigars and the Cuban women who light them with acetylene torches and smoke them to tick off their menfolk.
3. The Naked Mall Rat Litters... Not your Misty of Chincoteague because I could never pronounce that, but obviously some icky memoir by Woody Allen's evil twin about growing up in L.A. and working at a pet store with a gerbil mill in the back.
4. Finnegan's Snooze... Thought up while I was sleeping of course and it's probably about a sturdy Irish dame who dresses like a man so she can work as an usher in a theater and spend her shifts napping and dreaming of Walter Mitty in spandex coming to rescue her from Lent.
5. Madame Bovinary... A novel about a French cheese merchant's wife who can't stop chewing her cud and eventually the neighbors discover she's actually a jersey cow that has been genetically altered to serve tea, so they snub her.
6. The Scone Also Rises... About a baker in Brooklyn who sells his shop to cover the cost of cremating the dead bull left on his doorstep by a mad Italian matador, and his adventures in doing so.
7. Keep The Rover on the Right... Very serious comic novel about a British woman antelope hunter who flees to South America in a Land Rover and can't remember which side of the road to drive on.
8. Lard of the Floes... About an Inuit kid who wants to open the first Artic burrito factory but has loads of trouble importing fresh ingredients, so he resorts to using infected walrus blubber and canned corn with powdered habanero.
9. Pimply Hungstocking... Children's book about one young elf's struggle with maturation and menarche at Christmas time. (Yeah, banned in a lot of places, uh huh, so eat yer heart out Judy Blume.)
1. The Catheter in the Rye... Some kind of hospital nursing memoirs squeezed through Salvador Dali's moustache by a fellow from Eton & Oxford yada blah blah.
2. For Him the Bell Toils?... Some kind of oy-vey-ful Yiddish novel about cigars and the Cuban women who light them with acetylene torches and smoke them to tick off their menfolk.
3. The Naked Mall Rat Litters... Not your Misty of Chincoteague because I could never pronounce that, but obviously some icky memoir by Woody Allen's evil twin about growing up in L.A. and working at a pet store with a gerbil mill in the back.
4. Finnegan's Snooze... Thought up while I was sleeping of course and it's probably about a sturdy Irish dame who dresses like a man so she can work as an usher in a theater and spend her shifts napping and dreaming of Walter Mitty in spandex coming to rescue her from Lent.
5. Madame Bovinary... A novel about a French cheese merchant's wife who can't stop chewing her cud and eventually the neighbors discover she's actually a jersey cow that has been genetically altered to serve tea, so they snub her.
6. The Scone Also Rises... About a baker in Brooklyn who sells his shop to cover the cost of cremating the dead bull left on his doorstep by a mad Italian matador, and his adventures in doing so.
7. Keep The Rover on the Right... Very serious comic novel about a British woman antelope hunter who flees to South America in a Land Rover and can't remember which side of the road to drive on.
8. Lard of the Floes... About an Inuit kid who wants to open the first Artic burrito factory but has loads of trouble importing fresh ingredients, so he resorts to using infected walrus blubber and canned corn with powdered habanero.
9. Pimply Hungstocking... Children's book about one young elf's struggle with maturation and menarche at Christmas time. (Yeah, banned in a lot of places, uh huh, so eat yer heart out Judy Blume.)
The Lives and Times of Darkness and Light
This will not be much of a blog, but more of a platform from which to pitch my book headlong into the ether.
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