Michael Noe's Blog, page 25

Time

     I would love more time. Just a few more hours or at least a clone of myself which would be pretty cool. The idea of two of me would probably scare the hell out of people and I can even see me hanging out with myself. I would have a blast impulse shopping and getting easily distracted by random shit. I get easily distracted which makes it hard for me to write a blog about one topic. When I write a story my mind fires off in a variety of directions and it’s always fun to rein myself in. i tried to write outlines and drafts but they never work. I always veer off the outline and nothing outlined ever ends up in the right place. I have no discipline when it comes to writing and it kind of sucks because it seems everyone has a routine. They have a specific time set aside and then there’s me. I write whenever inspiration strikes but then something always distracts me. I get sidetracked by Netfix or a snack and then the writing just gets set aside. I wish I could write a certain number of words a day but my mind isn’t wired that way. I was proud that I got Legacy done when I did and it took a lot of discipline. I set a deadline and followed it. That’s the only way I can get any writing done. Having ADD amuses me but it’s also frustrating. I thought that as I got older it would just go away but it hasn’t and like so many Americans I am easily sidetracked and find that doing the simplest tasks are quite often a pain in the ass. 

 

          I really need a clone. A clone that will not only help me focus but work my third shift job so I can spend more time with my girl and write all sorts of crazy shit. I have a feeling that my writing career is on the verge of taking off yet I’m stuck with a job that stifles my creativity. Do have any idea how frustrating that is? In our current economic climate finding a new job isn’t as easy as it used to be and quitting isn’t an option. I’m at that stage in my writing career where i don’t make any money. Each sub is just an opportunity to get my name out there. People assume that just because you have a book out it means you have extra cash but the truth is I still work and have yet to make any money writing. I’m not complaining and if I thought i’d make a lot of money writing right out of that gate I’d be really really disappointed. I write because I enjoy it and who knows maybe some day I’ll actually make money doing it. Until then I’ll keep subbing stories and hope that I build some sort of fan base that actually wants to read my work. It ties into the whole theme of time and how we sometimes need to have patience and have fun doing what we love. The more I think about the secret to life the more I realize that in order to live full rich lives we have to do something that we love. You can’t be happy unless you find that one thing that truly makes you happy. 

 

     I just wish I had more time to do what I enjoy but doesn’t everyone? When I wrote Legacy I had no idea that it would lead where it has. My writing was always something I never pursued for reasons too numerous too mention here but once that door opened it was full of a few good opportunities that stem from not just my writing but my love of books as well. I was given an opportunity to review books for a very cool website called brutal books and that’s a lot of fun but with the full time job and the writing and the girlfriend it makes life a little more interesting. Am I spreading myself a bit thin? Perhaps but I think if you truly love doing something you always make time to do it. i read all the time anyway so reviewing books isn’t all that difficult. I do dislike most critics so for me to become one is pretty funny. Time is something we always take or granted when we don’t have anything to do and now I need more of it. More time to review, more time to write, and less time spent sleeping. I work 12 hours from 9 in the evening until 9 in the morning. That’s where most of my time is spent which at one time wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t writing, I wasn’t reviewing and I didn’t have  a girlfriend. Things are totally different now and I need a change. 

 

     When you look at your life and see what it’s becoming it makes life a bit more tolerable. I see where I’m headed and I like that for the first time ever there are all of these unknowns. Time is the one thing I need more of. I thought about my life and saw for the first time how much my job interferes with my future. Has anyone ever looked at their life and realized that their job is actually holding them back? It’s scary to see this wide open future and knowing that the one thing holding you back is your job, I have never had that happen before. My job has always been what kept me from starving or going insane. I had to work because there was nothing else but there are a lot of doors opening and I’m no longer stuck. Being stuck is a feeling I have become used to but not anymore. Change is coming and I have two options. Resist or plow forward. I choose to plow forward. 

 

     Being a fan of horror I never imagined that I would be given an opportunity to be involved in it. I write it, I review it and I’m still a huge fan. It took a long time to get here and I am enjoying the hell out of it. If there’s a lesson or something to glean from this blog I would just tell you to do what you enjoy and while there may not be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything you want to do enjoy what you’re doing while you’re doing it. Take the time to make yourself happy and do what you love. It may not make sense to other people but who cares as long as it makes sense to you. We always want more time but the thing is that by wishing we had it we’re actually wasting the time we do have. 

 

     

Character Blog Tour

  I was tagged about a week ago to do this and I thought what the hell it sounded like fun. Jim Goforth tagged me for some reason and his book is called Plebs and can be found here: http://www.amazon.com/Plebs-Jim-Goforth-ebook/dp/B00HXKDSQS/ref=la_B00HXO3FRG_1_2_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406763358&sr=1-2  

     So here’s the questions I think I was supposed to answer which if anyone knowns me I fail to sometimes follow simple directions. It could be the ADD but who knows.

1) What is the name of your character? Is he/she fictional or a historic person?

My main character’s name is Kevin. He’s an aspiring serial killer that slowly goes insane. He’s total fictional but if he was he a real person it would be pretty interesting. 

2) When and where is the story set?

Legacy is set in Milton Ohio which is a place that I made up. I live in Ohio so I created a small town that seemed like the perfect place to live and shatter the bubble of small town safety  

3) What should we know about him?

Kevin is a killer that kills simply because he wants to. A lot of killers grow up with certain patterns or some type of mental illness but Kevin is an ordinary guy that wants to see what it’s like to kill. 

4) What is the main conflict? What messes up his life?

Kevin himself. He becomes addicted to killing and we see him slowly go insane which to me is the most terrifying aspect of who Kevin is. 

5) What is the personal goal of the character?

To murder and get away with it. Unlike a lot of serial killers Kevin really has no set type. He will kill anyone so there’s not even a pattern that links him to his murders. 

6) Is there a working title for this novel, and can we read more about it?

The title is Legacy and the book is available from Morbidbooks on Amazon as a paperback and Kindle. 

This is the synopsis of Legacy.

~ A DIRTY SHAMEFUL DEVIL OF A SECRET…
Something that two men share. A legacy that will shock you to your very core. One that is created not out of madness, but of the purest desire. Take a vivid journey into the mind of the killer and his biggest fan. Do you believe in evil? See the knife plunge. Lap at the wounds. Do you still? There is no rational meaning or pretty words that will hide away the darkness that the words of this found journal creates. Inside is the real truth. And it can set you free. Watch all you want. Taste what you dare not have. But once you see, you are in collusion. Keep reading and the guilt will stain. No longer can you feign innocence. The change is as permanent as it is wretched. Perhaps you should just walk away. This shit right here is a MorbidbookS blunt. You dig?

 

You can find Legacy here:   http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Michael-Noe-ebook/dp/B00KKNRPQ4/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406764206&sr=1-1&keywords=michael+noe+legacy

I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa

     Now that I’m a published author that shit comes out often from other people. I don’t say it because no one knows the fuck I am. I wrote an extreme horror novel that gets very little  publicity. Let’s face it when I tell people what genre I write in they get this blank look on their face and when I mention that it’s quite violent they regretfully tell me that they’re not really into that type of fiction. I’m not bitching and I’m quite proud to be in a genre with people like Richard Laymon and Edward Lee. If the book ever sells I look forward to those questions that ask me why I feel the need to be so violent and do I ever feel that I’ve gone too far? I walk out of my apartment wearing my Exorcist T-shirt and no one knows that I was the guy that wrote Legacy. It would be cool to be recognized but the truth is that I’m an indie author that still works a full time job. Nothing has changed and thank God for that, When you get a bit of notoriety people automatically think you’ve changed or have some new attitude. What’s funny is that when people find out I have a book published they think I should announce it. I should just walk into the grocery store and yell: “Who got a published? That’s right bitches. This guy!”  No one gives a shit because no one reads and if they do they don’t read my type of fiction. If I were a type of movie I’d be low grade porn and if I were a type of music I’d be black metal but not the shitty kind.

     If I had written a romance novel I’d be raking in the bucks. Romance novels sell because soccer moms and bored housewives need a book full of fucking, You don’t even need a plot for that shit just a cowboy or a knight and a princess or a dirty little slut trying to change her life but can’t stop fucking. Every scene would be full of sex. She’d be grocery shopping and drop her list and some random dude would show up and start banging her in the deli aisle. Shit, to write a romance novel you just have to think like a woman. Imagine that you have a vagina and bam. Soccer moms want to feel all hot in the ass and to forget about the kids and the husband that finds farts funny. Women like the idea of romance and guys have dicks so we tend to not be romantic. Why do you think they make us watch chick flicks? They want us to make them swoon and to feel that they haven’t gotten into a relationship with a caveman. In romance novels the guys never pull out their cocks and say; “Wanna touch it?”  The women always get their clothes ripped off and are bent over kitchen tables and talked to as if every moment is full of sex and sweat. If I had written a book like that I would be the shit and soccer moms would flash me their tits.

     Instead, I wrote a novel about a serial killer. I actually send pictures of drills and jack hammers to my girlfriend asking if I can buy one. It’s gotten to the point where she reads the new manuscript and tells me we aren’t allowed to have a hammer. Ever. I can’t even watch her sleep. The crazy thing is that this woman loves me and loves that I write shit that scares the hell out of most women. Sure, I’m not allowed to own power tools or handle anything sharp and pointy when she’s around but she fucking loves me and that is awesome. When I’m writing and she hears me giggle she asks me what I’ve done this time and I love that if I feel that a certain scene is total shit she’ll give me an honest answer. Most women won’t be honest with you because you’re the writer and they don’t want to offend you but she doesn’t care. She loves my book and isn’t mortified by the violence. I have the best girlfriend ever. I am lucky to have someone who not only gets me but gets why I write what I do. When I got published I swear that she was more excited than I was.

      I found my hot nerd and damnit she may not be familiar with splatterpunk but she’s trying and that’s fucking awesome. Of course there’s a trade off and I have to learn about Dr Who and Harry Potter but if you date a nerd you have to sit through the Avengers. I do this because I love her and she puts up with the horror movies and all out weirdness that I write. Relationships are all about equality and I may not dig Thor but I dig the way she feels in my arms so I will watch that shit over and over again. I have never read a Harry Potter book but if it makes her smile I will read that shit. She’s reading Richard Laymon so of course I’ll read Potter. I will read Potter and not bitch I swear. That will probably be my next blog. Fuck Harry Potter. The main thing is that I’m dating a hot nerd. A woman that I can have an intelligent conversation with and ask who shot first? Han or Greedo and she’ll get it.

     I also have to talk about the new apartment and the fact that for an entire month I was extremely broke. So broke that I my paychecks were gone as soon as they hit the bank. I had the starving artist thing down and can tell you that it’s a real thing. I know what you’re thinking: “You’re a published writer how is that possible?” I write extreme horror. If I wrote about busty maidens getting fucked every other page I’d be rolling in dough but I write about a dude that slaughters people so you can see right off Oprah isn’t inviting me to be a part of her book club. If you guys don’t follow this link and buy my book no one knows it exists. If no one reviews it no one is willing to part with their hard earned money and take a risk on a new author. http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Michael-Noe-ebook/dp/B00KKNRPQ4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405064744&sr=8-1&keywords=Michael+Noe  there’s the link. Check out Legacy and leave a comment if you’ve read it and check me out on Goodreads and like my author page https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8289470.Michael_Noe

   

Splatterpunk And Manginas

     With Legacy being released I figured why not take a vacation to promote it? I had actually reached a point where I needed some time off. I work third shift so I could use a normal bed time. I think most of all what I really wanted was a chance to settle into my apartment. A week off doing Jack shit was exactly what I needed.

     I was able to lose an entire manuscript due to an accidently tablet reformat and I also got to see my book in print format which is pretty rad. I spent so much time writing it and then seeing what the finished product looked like that I didn’t even imagine what it would feel like actually holding a copy in my hands. It’s a bit surreal and when people ask you to sign theirs you have no idea what to write. It’s almost like signing someone’s yearbook all over again. What the hell am I supposed to write? See you around maybe?

     I’ve settled into the new apartment and due to a new relationship I have a woman already marking territory. It sounds pretty frightening but it’s not.It just shows that if a woman likes you some of her stuff will just migrate into your apartment. You may not even realize how much stuff is there until you open your medicine cabinet and find your girls tooth brush and in the fridge you find her coffee creamer.

     I’ve noticed that if a woman really likes you she slowly brings stuff into the apartment when you’re not looking and you’re favorite t-shirt comes up missing not long after you’ve taken it off. The whole shirt thing I’ll never understand and I assume it’s a chick thing because I have never stolen a chick’s shirt just cos it smells like her. As a horror writer I have to be careful because I do have a rep to uphold. I can’t be all mushy and shit and spout off poetry. That would result in me losing my hardcore horror writers card. People have this idea of what a horror writers supposed to be and now that my first book has been released I have to be careful.

     I just can’t believe that my vacation is almost over. I have another year before my next one and I need to plan better. I hope by then I’ll have another book out or at the very least a movie made based on Legacy. I would love to see what I created on a flat screen tv. I don’t even care if it’s direct to blu-ray as long as that shit gets made.

     I can also tell you that if you’re a writer hoping to be published you are going to need to get a pimp hat. You think just because you wrote the book you’re done? Not true and I have spread links faster than Linsdsey Lohan’s thighs and you never know if it’s actually working. You want people to read your book so you network and become a pimp. Is it fun? It can be because you should be proud of your work. If you aren’t then why the fuck did you agree to have it published? You should quit now because you have no business writing.

     I had no idea that promotion would become like a second job but that’s why I took the vacation. I want people to read Legacy so I spread links and even added it to Goodreads hoping someone would at least review it. The thing is that reviews are really hard to come by and it’s kind of like pulling teeth. I’m curious to see what people thought of it. As a writer you vomit out this novel through your brain and then fret that people aren’t’ going to like it.

     Let’s go back to the woman for a moment because I’m sure there are a lot of people who are saying; Fuck the book mate, tell us about the woman. I keep going back to Of Mice And Men and Lenny is all about the rabbits. Tell me about the rabbits George! That’s how I feel. The book Isn’t as important as the woman who has started bringing stuff into my apartment. Tell me about the woman Mike.

     When I compiled the list I had no idea that this woman actually existed. I figured I’d write the list and promptly forget about it because I just wrote the list so people would stop trying to get me to date. At the time I lived with my parents so it would have been embarrassing to date anyway and feel as if I were totally invested in a relationship.  No woman is going to want to date me for very long and I accepted it and compiled the list. I was able to tell people to politely piss off that way.

     The thing to remember about life is that it happens no matter what. You can say that you are going to be single forever but at some point a woman is going to approach you and she is going to blow your mind. You can’t plan for that type of shit either. You just wake up one morning and she approaches you out of nowhere and before you know it you’re wondering what happened.

     All I will say is that she is exactly what I’ve been looking for. The geek, the chick who is not only intelligent but someone that totally gets me. She sees exactly how random I can be and she accepts it. A woman like this is awesome because she Isn’t looking to mold you into someone you will never be. She will have you watchihng Dr Who and Firefly because she loves this shit and to compromise she is williing to watch some weird fucked up movie because she likes you.

     This is the kind of woman that you can listen to old Beatles songs and you see her in most of them. It’s rare to find a woman like that so all you can really do is hope for the best and invite her over for dinner. When she walks in the door you get all excited and think that this is the happiest you’be been all day.

     I realize that If I write anymore of this blog my reputation as a hardcore splatterpunk author will suddenly become questionable. How in the hell does he manage to write such a fucked up novella with a vagina? So instead of bringing my manhood into question I’ll just end this blog here.

Higher Than God

     It’s been a crazy couple of weeks but now it seems as if things are finally settling down or depending on how you look at it it could also be gearing up to be totally crazy again. I’ve been talking about the new book for awhile and it is now available on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Michael-Noe/dp/1461016002/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1401314012&sr=8-2&keywords=Michael+Noe. Follow the link and grab yourself a copy. I’m really proud of how it turned out and I still feel like I’m going to puke. You can also follow the official Facebook page here. https://www.facebook.com/evillives?ref=bookmarks. If you’re a fan of splatterpunk you’ll dig this. I have to be honest though and say that when I first saw the book on Amazon it was pretty fucking cool and I’m extremely lucky to be a published author.

    I finally moved out of my mom’s and it’s starting to feel like home. I am sitting at my own kitchen table writing this blog. It took a long time to get to this point but it was well worth it. There always comes that point where you look back and see the journey you’ve made and ask yourself if you had a chance to do things all over would you? It would be easy to say of course because the last few years have been rough but would the outcome be the same? If I had the chance to change things and be totally happy would I still be here in this moment happier than I’ve ever been and feeling vindicated that I refused to quit? I earned my scars and I display them proudly so the answer is no, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I would gladly go through the same struggles and agony because I’m not a quitter. I wouldn’t know how to adapt to where my life is now without the heartache and struggles I have gone through.

     I have to talk about the apartment because if anyone has lived in an apartment complex no matter how big you have to  deal with a lot of shit and you have to  have a sense of humor about it.  I have neighbors that love to stare and I call them the welcoming committee. They have yet to bring me a pie or a casserole but I’m waiting patiently,  These are the people you avoid because no matter what goes on here they know about it. They know who you’re fucking even if you haven’t fucked anyone yet and they also know how many people visit your apartment on any given day. When I first moved in I thought that my dick was exposed or something because they were gawking at me the entire time. I have thought about buying assless chaps for my trips to the dumpster and mailbox. What scares me is that they live right on the end so I can’t even sneak into my apartment after a night of drunken sex.

     I’m a hermit by nature and because of my work schedule it’s impossible to know when I’m home. In any apartment complex you have that creepy guy that no one sees and when you do it’s like hitting the lottery. I’m that guy! I come and go at odd hours and I’m expecting one brave neighbor to venture over just to make sure that I’m not storing body parts in my kitchen. I’m expecting my shipment of books on Monday and that should add to the mystery a little. I can already hear the discussion already. “He’s never home and just today he got a box delivered to his door. I bet it’s a bomb.” I’m sure at some point I’ll meet my neighbors but with the book and the job and the new girlfriend the neighbors are the least of my worries.

     There are a lot of kids here and it drives me nuts when they stand outside of my apartment and scream. I have no idea why they feel the need to stop by my window and scream but I want to thank them for acting like assholes. I have a playground next door so I expect them to run around like drunken little midgets but Jesus Christ have some respect. I have zero patience as it is and sure, I have kids and I love them but I hate every other kid I come in contact with. They have no quiet voice at all and as they run around they feel as if the entire neighborhood should be aware of their presence. I don’t want to hear that shit while I’m watching a movie and I don’t run around their apartment acting like an asshole. I am getting older and expect a level of not just respect but privacy so kindly get the fuck off of my lawn jack ass!

     Maybe, just maybe these kids are in cahoots with their mothers. You know the women that are trying to find a baby daddy? Apartment complexes like these are perfect for late night booty calls and any women that sees a single guy gets a little excited and prays to God that this could be the one. You  know the guy that sweeps her off her feet and declares his love for her on the jungle gym. Having sex with a single mom is tricky because they aren’t looking at just today or even a week from now, They want to marry you so you can be their kids baby daddy. These are evil vile women that wear sweat pants and wife beaters to attract a man and once he’s snared game over. You wake up and the kids staring at you and asks; “Are you my new daddy?” If that ever happens just fucking run. Forget the pancakes and just get the fuck out. That bitch is already planning your wedding. You may as well just move in at that point.

     I did start dating again which is probably upsetting to the single women that live here and are looking for a baby daddy. My girlfriend will never be invited over for tea or get to gossip with the gawkers. By coming into my apartment at random times she has probably fueled a great deal of gossip which I find amusing as hell. Let me talk to the dads for a second because you’ll be able to relate to this, When you’re a prime target for gossip and you have the girlfriend over and your ex-wife drops off the kids doesn’t it make you giggle because you know they’re trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. There are strange women going in and out of your apartment so what do you do? If your me you walk with a slight limp. My girl is amazing and it’s made this whole move easier and a lot more fun. It kind of sucks that the neighbors see her coming and going so much yet they have never said hello.

    I guess for awhile these blogs are going to be a lot of fun to write. I have the apartment and the girlfriend and the book. I have a lot of shit to get into so the adventure begins again. If you’ve read this blog in the past you’ll remember that I wrote about all sorts of crazy random  shit. This time it’s a bit different because I have lived on my own but this time it’s all about readjusting and finding a balance that works. The book and the apartment kind of fell together quickly and at the same time so I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. I have reconnected with an amazing woman who is exactly what I’ve been looking for but this time she’s a mystery that not many people are going to read about. The big question is has she read the blogs? Yep she has and she’s amused by them and yes she’s read the book and knows all about me yet she hasn’t run screaming which is awesome.

    

Happy?

     Have you ever tried to write a blog with a clear concise theme but your thoughts are racing a hundred miles a second? By some kind of fault in my genetic make up or maybe just through past experience I have not been one of those people to embrace the fact that life doesn’t always have to suck. I have the scars to prove that life will fuck you up if you’re not careful. It will turn on you in a second. I’m not a positive person and I have a reason not to be. I have been fucked over, shit on, and have even been in relationships that leave people wondering if I’ve lost my fricking mind. I just assumed that once I hit forty life would align and suddenly I would be somehow be wiser, Not the case. I have learned not to trust anyone, that sometimes dating stupid women can be harmful, and just because you’ve reached a certain age there are no guarantees. Life happens and no matter how mature you are you still look around at people who are doing better than you and you instantly hate them. They made the right choices while you just made the wrong ones. The wrong choices sometimes turn out to be the right ones. If our lives had somehow turned out differently or maybe better, would the people who we love and care about still be involved in it?

     I know what you’re thinking. Is there a point to all this? Hell, I don’t know. I just needed to write this to put things in perspective for myself and if someone can pull something out of this to apply to whatever they’re going through great but the thing to remember is that a lot of times I’ll write a blog just to keep myself from going bat shit crazy. There are too many people looking to others for answers but the problem is that you have to look withing yourself and find the answer. You have to have the balls to do what you think is right. is it always going to work? I am proof that it doesn’t but I at least had the balls to try it and follow my instincts. Forget looking to God or some other higher being to give you the answer. It’s cowardly. I am proof that you don’t need God to have a happy, healthy life. I have achieved more in my life without God than I did when I followed him. Am I an atheist? No just a guy that sees God as a nonissue.

    So here I am after three years being some of the most painful and enlightening times in my life. I had grown accustomed to my life being shit and I never really expected anything different. At forty you view the world a little differently and just begin to expect things to stay as they are. I figured at some point I would finally move out of my mothers but it was always an issue of money. We all know that the economy is shit and the more we work the less we make, I am a proud card carrying member of the working poor so I get that people are struggling just to make enough money to keep their lights on for another month. The thing is I only complained when I got tired of moving forward and never gaining any traction. I had become like a lot of people and was just existing. Life really wasn’t all that interesting any more but what the fuck are you going to do? You have no choice but to wake up every day and just survive. That’ s all you can do.

     The book being published was a high point because it was something that I always wanted to achieve but then all these other doors started opening and I began to feel overwhelmed. I also finally found an apartment and next week I’m finally moving out of my mother’s house. So not only do I have a book coming out mid June but I’m packing and getting ready to move into a new place. All this things are happening all at once so of course I feel as if the bottom’s about to fall out. My life has never been a steady diet of positive so it’s hard to stay optimistic and just enjoy it because I know how my life usually goes. Everything at some point implodes and I’m left charred and scarred. How do I enjoy it without all of the doubt and fear? I can’t . It’s not how I’m wired. I can’t just wake up every morning and say: “Life is good.” And skip through my day.  I’m listening to Stabbing Westward’s Everything I Touch and that seems to be the soundtrack to how my life usually turns out. I think I can relate to most of Stabbing Westward’s songs because I see myself in a lot of those songs.

     Here’s the story so far and you can see why I’m a little overwhelmed. I write the novella and it’s picked up by Morbid books, and then I would say maybe a week or two later I get a call about apartment and I look at it and take it. Very nice apartment in a quiet neighborhood, The cool thing is that I can finally see my kids more. Now I have a book coming out and I’m balls deep in packing and I am happy for the first time in a long time. As if that wasn’t enough I reconnected with someone and I am trying to hold it all together so I don’t rush in and fuck that up because she is exactly what I need as a person. She’s intelligent, she’s pretty and someone that I can talk to about anything and she gets me which is important. I need someone in my life that gets me.

      As I look around at the boxes and the reality washes over me I can honestly say that I am truly happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t have to fake it and Jesus that feels good. At forty I can finally say that my life is exactly where it should be, It’s taken a long time to get to this point. A marriage breaking apart, a fire, a bunch of failed relationships that I have sabotaged all because I was freaked out and scared, I am going to enjoy the ride and hope that the bottom holds together for awhile longer. 

Hello, wanna see a magic trick

     I would love start out this blog and be a total dick. It would be a lot of fun to be a douche bag who is so full of himself that people would actually send me hate mail. I read somewhere that someone had actually shit in a box and mailed it to the person they hated. That’s a lot of fucking hate. You really have to hate someone a lot to take a shit in an empty box and mail it to someone. That speaks volumes. That’s a lot of hate. There were no words. Just the shit. I guess words aren’t needed in a situation like that. Do you wake up and think; “Screw that motherfucker! I’ll show him!” Would you take the box into the bathroom or just kind of hover over it in the living room? Then you have to decide between bubble wrap or packing peanuts. Packing peanuts would really put an exclamation mark on the hatred. Imagine digging in and discovering there’s a shit in the box!

     My favorite way of showing hatred is bottling. Bottling shows a band that they suck. They start playing and all of a sudden it’s a sea of bottles headed toward the offending band. Sometimes the bottles are actually filled with piss and one band was pelted with shit. Think about it for a second. Some one took a shit in their hand and threw it at a band that wanted nothing more than to play music for a bunch of people. You really have to hate a band a lot to stop and shit in your hand just throw it. That’s some serious dedication. People are really bummed about the bottling but I figure if you pay to see a show and a band on the bill sucks why not cut their set short? You paid good money to see good music so take the piss to the shitty bands.

     I can’t  be an asshole or a dick because it’s not who I am. Am I sarcastic and a bit dark? Sure but I could never just become someone I’m not. That takes balls. The reason I’m writing about this is because I recently discovered that my book is being published. Part of me wants to write that in all caps and a lot of swagger. It’s really mind blowing to know that I have a book coming out and I love that it’s through an indie publisher. I support indie publishing and to be a part of that is pretty fucking cool. I’m in a group of writers that write because they enjoy it. They still have real jobs because their books may have an audience but it’s a small one. I just hope that someone likes my book enough that they’ll actually buy it. It’s weird to think that my book will actually be on someone’s Kindle or backpack. It’s humbling to think that of all the books they could have bought they decided to buy mine.

     I want to be the kind of writer that interacts with his fans. The people that bought the book are important to a writers growth and if you’re a dick to those people they’ll remember that shit and when the next book comes out odds are they won’t buy it. Deep down I’m still a fan of books so nothing has changed for me. It’s a little nerve wracking because I have no idea how people are going to react to it. That’s something I think about a lot but so far the general consensus is that it’s good and the parts that I giggled at, they’re giggling at. It shows that my sick sense of humor is shared by others.

     Now that I have a book being published are there any other goals I’d like to accomplish? Of course there are. Have you seen how hot Kat Dennings is?

That is one of my goals. Never going to happen but it’s nice to have goals. Goals keep us grounded and make life fun. If I were dating I could never tell you that she’s one of my goals. If I do ever date will Kat no longer be a goal? If I meet a woman that interests me then Kat will be removed along with my second goal

      For now all I can do is mentally prepare for my book to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that I not only wrote a book but a publisher liked it enough to release it. I am now a published author. Does it change anything? Nope, cos there are people out there who don’t do a lot of book learning and there are also those who tend to steer clear of the splatterpunk genre. They have weak hearts or stomachs or something, I dunno. There is an audience for the type of stuff I write which is good. If there weren’t I wouldn’t be writing this blog. The big question now is what do I do? I’d like to go to Disneyland but I can’t afford it.      

Writing

     A friend of mine wanted me to blog about my recent novella but I almost didn’t write this because I have befriended a lot of writers on Facebook and I didn’t want them to get paranoid and think that I’d want them to look at my manuscript. On the opposite side I didn’t want people to think that I wrote a novella because I happen to interact with some writers on Facebook. The more I thought about I figured if I present it the right way people will get a pretty cool blog about me finally finishing my first writing project in 16 years. That is something I’m really proud of and in the end I wanted to write about it because there’s a lesson here as well. Who knows maybe it’ll inspire someone and allow them to try and do something they never thought was possible. Life is funny like that isn’t it? You just have to open yourself up and want to be inspired. If you want to accomplish anything you have to shove aside the what ifs and just go for it.

     I have always been a huge fan of horror and as a kid I was into all sorts of weird shit. I saw Gene Simmons spit blood and blow fire and it changed how I saw rock bands. It was crazy that a band could not only blow shit up and spit blood but they would do it wearing face paint. When I started reading I was always into stuff that other people deemed inappropriate but it wasn’t because I wanted to draw attention to myself or maybe make my peers appear unintelligent I was just doing what I loved to do. Reading Stephen King in the third grade didn’t seem that odd to me and I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. These were the same people that taught me to read and encouraged me to read but suddenly what I was reading was a big issue for people. I hated doing book reports because I would always get asked if I really read the book and then it was rejected because they didn’t feel it was age appropriate. Well, shit, thanks for teaching me how to read and then making me feel like a freak.

     I was always into to dark subject matter. I would watch horror films and read horror novels and somehow I became this well adjusted adult that never killed anyone and has never leaned toward violence against another human being. My teachers were wrong. They should have supported me but they chose not too and it really bothered me. I never really thought about writing until I read Pet Sematary. That book was the gate that swung open and I thought; “I want to do that!” I was in the fifth grade and I had no idea how to write and I sure as hell didn’t know what I had to do to become a published author but once I wrote my first story I was hooked. In the 6th grade we had to all come up with story ideas and mine were always so fucked that I not only would get an A but the teacher would remark that I was pretty morbid. The other kids weren’t half as good as I was but I think writing just always came naturally to me. It’s something you’re born with. My teachers were impressed that my english and writing tests showed that in the fifth grade I was already reading at a twelfth grade reading level so while they still gave me shit about what I was reading they kind of expected some off the wall shit because I was already ahead of  my peers.

     I kept writing for a long time thinking that I would get published. Never doubted it but then I got married and had my first child and just simply quit. I no longer had the time for it and to be honest I had no money to go the traditional route. In those days you needed an agent to sell your manuscript and that took money that I didn’t have. By the time I had my twins writing was just something I used to do. From 1998 until about a month ago I didn’t write anything except this blog. I always wondered though if I could still do it though but then I thought no, I’m too old now. There’s no way. I pushed the idea away and just never really tried to do it. When my marriage fell apart three years ago I got an itch to try and write but I just brushed it aside because my time was gone. I couldn’t really have a career in my thirties could I? With the publishing going digital it started to become easier to become published. A lot of writers are putting their own books out without the help of a publisher and they’re doing it because they love writing. Money isn’t a motivating factor and I have to say that that appealed to me. It sounds crazy but if you love what you’re doing people will find you. That’s what Facebook and Goodreads are for. You can build a fan base on your own without a major publisher or any money geared toward marketing. Three fans with a Facebook account can go a long way.

     When I decided to write again I never thought that I would get published. For me it was all about seeing if I was able to string together a few coherent thoughts and make something out if it. I figured the idea that I had was a perfect novella and as I wrote it I started to remember how much fun I used to have and I was still having a blast. I was a bit rusty but once I started disciplining myself I found that I was getting better and it made me feel good that after all these years I was still pretty good. I thought I was but the jury’s still out on how good it actually is. The writing came easily and the words just kind of flowed. I knew exactly how the story would end and the fun was getting it there. I also realized that I’m glad I never pursued a career as a writer because I don’t write normal mainstream stuff. I never have and believe I have tried to write mainstream stuff but eventually the darkness bleeds in.

What scares me is that I’ll wake up one day and find that I’m no longer able to read or even write. I don’t want to be one of those people that always think what if. I still write in the same style I did when I was fifteen so it’s nice to see that splatterpunk is still around even if it’s under a different moniker. I do love bizarro but I have no idea how to write in that style. You give me a nail gun though and I will have a lot of fun writing a scene around it. If people like it great and if they don’t that’s fine too. I am forty years old and no critic is as harsh as I am. I dunno if this is what she had in mind when she asked me to write a blog about my writing but this is what I came up with and it does explain a lot of interesting things but it isn’t exactly what she requested.

Moving On Up?

     I started writing some of my blogs in pieces due to my work schedule. Any of my newer blogs are actually written in a variety of places. The bulk of them are written while I’m work. Seems like a really good idea until you realize that I work 3rd shift and write when I can fit it in. You may be reading a blog that was started on a Thursday at 3 A.M. while I was struggling to stay awake so that could be why my blogs seem so weird at times. Writing actually makes the time go faster and with some of that spare time I even managed to start a book. There’s a point here. I wanted to start a schedule and throw out new blogs on Friday which aligned with my day off when I’m usually at my most coherent. I may start something on Monday and then realize that it’s total shit on Wednesday. I never know until Friday while I’m reading over what I’ve come up. I also find that by writing throughout the week I’m comfortable enough with the blog and can either add or subtract anything that I feel doesn’t fit. I never censor myself or take out anything that other people may find slightly offensive because i”m usually laughing too hard to remove it.

    I’m writing this on Wednesday the  night before my orientation for AMHA which is the government housing. I’ll freely admit that I’m one of the working poor. There are quite a few like me and the nice thing is that there are some of us who bust our asses working and never ask for help. Some people on the other hand will take as much shit as the government is willing to give them because they feel that they are owed something. That’s a real fucked up attitude to have. I grew with the mindset that you aren’t owed anything in this life you have to earn it. When was on welfare for a month I was in the process of starting another job so I took the help. I paid into the system so why not take advantage of it while I could? I always feel guilty when I ask for help because there are others who have it way worse than I do so they should get it. That has nothing to do with pride and has everything to do with respect.

     What I’m getting at is this orientation and what it’s all about. When go in there this morning (I’m writing this at 1 A.M on Thursday) I have no idea what to expect, I have no idea what frame of mind these people are in but I’m assuming it’ll be entertaining. Lower income people are sometimes lower income for a reason. They lack education, or have some defect that keeps them from rising above their situation. As an intelligent member of the working poor I have to bring a level of dignity to these proceedings. I must be respectful and be as charming as possible. You don’t want people to think you’re one those lower income people. There’s nothing wrong with being poor but they have a reputation of being uneducated neanderthals. These people are often loud, selfish, and have the manners of a common street walker. Not all of them are like that, but most are. These are the ones on Facebook starting some type of drama with someone. These are well placed thoughts that are usually missing some words and are usually misspelled. They include numbers instead of actually letters. The message gets garbled and I always stare at them and wonder who allowed these people to use a keyboard. A keyboard in the hands of someone who is illiterate is like giving a pie to a fat person. It’s going to end badly and it’s going to be awkward.

     When I envisioned this orientation I was prepared for the first. Screaming babies, some smelly wino talking to himself, and a few pregnant women just to fuck with me. I find pregnant extremely sexy so I would imagine being in a room with a few would be extremely distracting. How the fuck am I supposed to focus when there are pregnant women present? There’s no way. I don’t think it can be done. I would imagine that if hell is in fact different for everyone my hell would be me trapped in a room full of screaming babies. It drives me nuts when I’m out and some asshole has a screaming baby yet they refuse to leave. These people are inconsiderate assholes. Why would you subject people to that bullshit? If your kid starts crying leave. It’s not that hard.

     When I get there there is no one there but me. I met with a very nice lady that told me that I was on a waiting list. The list for these apartments is actually being whittled down from two thousand to a smaller two hundred and of course there’s no open apartments. These AMHA folks are very thorough too. They want to look at your bank account, your employer, and even your criminal history. I was shocked because government housing projects are usually in high crime areas so to ask if I had any misdemeanor or felony convictions was a shock. All they need to do is clean up the surrounding neighborhoods and the crime issues will dwindle to nothing. People deserve to live in a nice quiet neighborhood but you always have a select few that ruin it for everyone else. As a private person I don’t feel comfortable with people digging into my finances but then again it makes sense. If you have a large amount of cash in the bank why the hell are you looking into to low income housing? I am very squeamish when people want to invade my personal bubble so this whole experience is making me a nervous wreck.

     Did I learn anything today? I guess I did. Patience is a good thing to have and I have time to look at furniture and other shit I need so that when I do get my apartment I have something to move into it. Nothing sadder than a grown man moving into a place and all he owns is a television, a weird wicker chair, books, and a box of mismatched dishes that his mother gave him. I should point out that I’m in no way, shape, or form, making fun of low income housing. I am making fun of the stigma attached to it. Just because  I live in one of these low income properties the assumption is that I don’t work or I’m attached to the government’s dick which isn’t true at all. I bust my ass and work well over a hundred hours in a two week period. I am educated, and speak well. The stigma is that I live in low income housing I must be handicapped or stupid which again isn’t the case. There are those types of people living there but they actually live everywhere. Even in the suburbs. Now it’s Monday and I as I’m going over this I should also point out that I’m on the higher bracket of AMHA. All that means is that I’m able to afford something that doesn’t put me smack dab in the middle of crack alley. I get to live in a quieter area than those who are essentially stuck going wherever these fine people have available. Is it fair? Sure it is because I’m a single guy that has no wife and only sees his kids on the weekends. My rent is higher than those that are in the lower income bracket but you get what you pay for and why shouldn’t get a better apartment?

New Horizons Or How To Not Be An Optimist

     It seems as if the move will actually happen due to a variety of coincidences that are truly above and beyond my control. I just had this crazy idea that I needed to start looking for my own place and then it just started spiraling out of control. Of course with the move comes the realization that I still have no furniture or dishes. I never thought to start buying that shit and stockpiling it. I could’ve been like some mad squirrel storing nuts or something for the winter. I knew I would move at some point but I never in a million years thought that it would happen as quickly as it did. I usually get an idea, fuck around for awhile and then get serious. Not this time. People are calling this streak of good luck a blessing from God or as I like to call sorry I didn’t save your house, how about a respite from all the shit that your life has thrust upon you?

     I am actually trying to be positive but when I get positive and think that things are going to work out I get kicked in the balls. Every goddamn time. I learned not to be too happy but as I start shopping more I find that I am pretty excited about the next phase of my life. If my life were a band I would be on my fourth lead singer. This is the stage where you play state fairs and half empty bars. You start to appreciate the fact that you aren’t dead and when a girl smiles at you it seems as if the day may not turn to shit after all. This is stage four I think. The first stage was the implosion of my marriage and finding out that I can survive on my own, stage two is the fire and the just breathing portion, so this would actually be the third stage of my life and if I were a band I would be on my third lead singer. I would play half empty arenas and state fairs and the occasional Casino for free drinks and blow jobs from toothless hookers. I would be at the stage where I should know better than to snort coke off of a strippers tits but it’s just so much fun I can’t help myself.

     Dare I start to think positive about where my life is heading? I think it’s still a little early to be too optimistic. At any moment a piano could fall out of the sky and crush me to death. I used to watch a show called Dead Like Me and the title character was killed by a toilet falling out of an airplane. That would be me. I would be walking along and wham! death by toilet. I never ever want to be the person that is overly cheery. You know the type of person I’m talking about. These are the assholes that are filled with boundless energy and find that life is GREAT! These are the people that feel as if they should be your cheerleaders and will go to great lengths to make you laugh or even cheer you up. They have no idea how annoying they are and think you’re a grumpy Gus that just needs a hug. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Are they on drugs? There’s no way to ask and get a straight answer due to their asshole answer of; “I’m high on life.” Is that even possible? These are the people that drive you batshit crazy with their fucked up attitude about life beng what you make it, Fucking hippies.

     Don’t even get me started on those wonderful people that are trying to see this as a way for me to date. I’m moving just so I can get my balls licked. After living with my mom and step dad for close to two years why not move out and start dating? Sounds like a blast right? Give up on my space and freedom just so I can trade it in on matching his and her toothbrushes. When I think about living with a woman I start getting throw up sick. I have no desire to move in with a woman. I want my balls left on my body and not in a jar under the kitchen sink. I don’t want to work twelve hours and come home and cuddle and talk about her day. When I don’t feel like talking then I become an asshole because I don’t give a shit about her day. some days I just want her to shut the fuck up and not get pissed off if I want to relax by myself. that never happens though does it? Never.

     If I date a woman that lives in my apartment building how in the hell do I get away from her? Sure the sex will be fun because she’s right down the hall but what if we break up and I start dating someone else? if she turns out to be some crazy stalker there’s no escape. I could come home one day and find odd notes about her ideas on forever and the kicker would be a Kelly Clarkson mix tape. You never want to date a chick that lives in the same neighborhood. Very bad idea because you never know when she’s going to become a total cunt. At some point women do become cunts and it isn’t pretty. They glare at you with the crazy eyes and want to know what you’re thinking all the time. She wants to hang out with you and talk nonstop. Who wants that shit? I think dating in general is a bullshit option and would prefer just a quickie in a Wendy’s bathroom. When we’re done I’ll buy you a Frosty and we go our separate ways. I don’t want your number so just take the Frosty and go.

     I don’t hate women and if I could just get them to take off their clothes without opening their mouths life would in fact be perfect. I would become one of those overly cheery people. I’d hum fucking Barry Manilow and say hi to every motherfucker I came in contact with. I’d be kissing babies, laughing a lot more and just being the asshole you can’t stand because I’m just so damned happy all the time. I can talk to woman that are married or dating other people. It’s easy because there are rules. These women are okay to talk to because they’re involved with someone and the possibility of fucking isn’t there. You take away the ability or the opportunity to fuck a woman and a lot of guys can’t take it and bail. Women are great but I have reached a point where dating and even relationships just aren’t that important.

     I have been looking at all my shit scattered in a way that I can find it and keep willing myself to pack but if I do pack and everything falls apart I’d just have to unpack again and that’s a real pain in the ass. I have never been a fan of moving. Is anyone? I always promise myself that this will be the last time but it never is. This time maybe it could be the last time. I’m not an optimistic person by any means but sometimes I lie to myself just to make myself feel better. There’s no harm in it and it’s not like I’m hurting my feelings because I know it’s bullshit. I know myself pretty well and I’ve gotten used to the lies. I told myself that dating an unintelligent woman would work out well and remove a lot of the issues I have with relationships. That was a big fuckng lie but I allowed myself to believe it and looking back it still seemed like a good idea and almost worked as long as I kept dumbing myself down.

     Thursday is the true beginning and I’m sure that the orientation will give me at least a blog or a new view of how stupid people can be. You never know. I could even meet the girl of my dreams here. She could be wearing a wife beater and sweat pants and as an added bonus she could be holding a baby. I could be be this woman’s baby daddy. We could live forever in the projects and I’ll work and she’ll buy my stay at home girlfriend. Isn’t that what the American dream is? True love and all that horseshit? All I know is that I am going nuts trying to convince myself that the move is going to happen. That inner voice of course is telling me that I’m full of shit but I think he’s wrong.