Michael Noe's Blog, page 24

Spring?

We finally made it through a brutal, messed up winter. People in warmer climates became our enemies because they were assholes that would give us weather reports. We hated people who lived in places where it wasn’t cold. I live in Ohio for God’s sake. ��I don’t care about it being 70 degrees where you live. You’re an asshole for even posting that shit. I live in a place where the air hurts your face. Everyday the mere thought of going outside was a big deal. Who in the hell wants to go outside in sub zero temperatures? It sucks and I have thought about moving some where warmer just so I can taunt people in places that have snow and all the other bullshit that pisses us off. I want to brag about being on a beach in the middle of February while people back home are walking through snow drifts that seem to end right at your butthole. Have you ever had a frozen butthole? It sucks.

Now we have Spring which makes me a bit nervous. Stupid people love the Spring, but they don’t know how to dress. These people are outside wearing shorts and a sweat shirt, and they’re excited by a 40 degree temperature. When it hits 55 they are so giddy they walk around like a bunch of freshly turned zombies.

This is what it looks like when I go outside. They shuffle around as if they’re looking for brains and they take their yapping dogs with them. It seems as if they all decide to shit at the same damn time. I live close to a lake and I also have to deal with angry pissed off geese. You ever try and walk around a gaggle of geese? They won’t move and I swear they’re yelling at me. I’ve invaded their turf and now I have to rumble. ��Geese in the winter are completely different in the spring

These were geese who had nothing to lose. I was invading their turf.

Now that the weather has finally broken I get to be miserable again. I now have to deal with whiny ass kids and parents who look at their kids as if they’re assholes. Warmer weather means that kids are now excited that they can go outside again but they have no idea how to behave. They run around like drunken little midgets who have never seen the sun. Don’t get me started on the damn joggers. These assholes are running and here I am just walking along smoking a cigarette, I won’t move either. Fuck ’em. They’re faster than I am. You can run around me. ��I hate joggers. I even hate the chicks that have big titties that bounce when they run. They have these big bouncing breasts and It’s hard not too look. I want to see these titties knock these chicks out. They’re running along and bam! KO’d by titties.

I try not to complain a whole lot in the winter because I like the peace and quiet. No joggers, no screaming kids, and best of all no people. It’s a white wasteland of solitude and I like it. I hate the cold but I don’t like sharing my space. In the winter I own the sidewalk not some big titty jogger, or some angry pissed off geese. I like winter as much as I like David Lee Roth and if you follow me on Facebook you know I can’t stand that asshole.

Spring in Ohio is all about confusion. It’s wet and cold three days out of the week and semi warm for two. There’s no balance and it’s frustrating because you know that warmer weather exists somewhere, but not in Ohio. That’s why we all wander around like brain hungry zombies. At some point we’ll also adjust to the time change which messed us all up. ��The weather people just throw darts at a bunch of random shit and just hope they’re right at least once.

Spring is just all sorts of fucked up but what are you gonna do? It’s a time of transition and the weather is like a woman who can’t make up her mind. She’s wandering around all confused and shit while her husband or boyfriend as yelling at her to just pick something already. Just make up your fucking mind! ��All we can really do is wait and enjoy the sun for the brief amount of time that we have it because we know it isn’t going to last long.

The Influence Of Horror

I have to admit that when I said that I liked Happy and Shake It Off I knew that it would make me look weak. I write horror for God’s sake! What kind of horror writer am I if I’m listening to bouncy, sugar fluff? No one is going to take me seriously so I have to step it up a little. As a writer influences come from everywhere and I sometimes draw characters from people I see on a daily basis. If I see someone that looks a little fucked up or drunk I may actually use that. I saw an old lady walking one day and she had a hunch back. Normal people won’t use that for anything but if you’ve seen my Facebook or Goodreads page you’ll know that my reading habits and posts are sometimes full of sarcasm and irony.��https://www.facebook.com/splatterpunk..., and the books I’ve read really fuel the question of what is wrong with you?��https://www.goodreads.com/author/show...

Back to the humback lady and how normal people would just walk on by. Me, I have this vision of this lady walking around looking for people to suck the life from. The more people she kills the younger she gets. Her eyes may look bank and expressionless but her soul is alive and vibrant. I think the reason that I have such a warped and twisted imagination is due to the era that I grew up in. In the eighties we weren’t all politically correct. We had this huge fear of the devil but no one really tried to tell you that what you thought or believed in was harmful to others. We grew up listening to heavy metal and watching Jason and even Freddy carve the fuck out of people.. People may have said that what we were watching was harmful but it was fun to watch.

If I trace my twisted imagination i guess it fed off of the vintage Stephen King and album covers from bands like Iron Maiden and Slayer. Heavy metal still plays a huge part of my writing. As I write this I’m listening to Cradle Of Filth.

I love this record and it shows that as a horror writer heavy metal just fits right into what I write about. You can listen to the most insane, satanic, blackened symphonic death metal and be inspired to write something that people will be repulsed by, The stuff I write would fit right in with stuff like Cannibal Corpse and even Morbid Angel. There truly is beauty in the dark. As a horror writer you need to embrace the dark a little and while other horror writers may not listen to this kind of stuff I do. It’s all a part of me and why I write the way I do. I am a horror junkie that truly loves the dark side of music. it just fits.

There are all sorts of sides to me that all make me who I am an even what kind of writer I’m evolving into. People may just see the dark, sarcastic side and assume that that’s who I am all the time. or that because I like to write stuff that is extremely dark and twisted I must be some kind of weirdo. Not true at all, but highly amusing.

We are all influenced by something. I think as a horror writer my influences are just a bit more scattered. It’s harder to hit a moving target isn’t it? You have to keep growing or else you begin to grow stale and boring.

The Ego Deflated

I’m supposed to be editing but here I sit checking email and listening to REO Speedwagon. Have you ever tried to edit while listening to heavy metal? It’s a nightmare and I can’t concentrate. When I edit I usually look it as a chance to improve what’s already there and then my awesome girlfriend does the proper editing and will point out my glaring mistakes. She’s good at it and I trust her with whatever I’m writing. Without her my manuscripts wouldn’t be as tight as they are in my head. So I have a variety of different styles of music that I listen to while writing. Some of my most brutal scenes were written while listening to Taylor Swift and the occasional Kelly Clarkson stalker record. REO is calming and allows me to focus which for me is a difficult thing to do. This record is one of the greatest rock albums ever created. ��

I haven’t blogged in awhile and there’s a good reason for that. I had nothing to write about. My life is at a point where everything is going well and for some reason that upsets people. I want to be all sad and shit but I can’t because I have an awesome girlfriend and I’m a published author. There’s nothing to be sad or mopey about. I survived a brutal ass winter and TOOL has a new record out. Those are valid reasons to be happy. The problem with blogs and social media is that people want to show you just how miserable and fucked up they are. I was guilty of that for awhile, but now? Shit is working out and I have never been happier.

The only complaint I have is that I’m a published author yet in my house that shit gets me no special privileges or treatment. I’m in a book called Dynatox A-Go Go and I was all excited about when I received it in the mail. Even though my girl is proud of me I still had to cook dinner and do dishes! As a published author there should be some kind of special treatment, but��here I am taking out the garbage and doing dishes. I even tried explaining that as a published author I should be excluded from certain things but all I get is the look that tells me I have truly lost my damn mind. I get that look a lot for some reason. That look is on her face quite a bit and I swear sometimes I’m developing a complex.

��

As a writer I should have an ego. I should have the right to boast and declare myself the shit. It doesn’t even matter that I’m an indie writer and not many people have read my work but who cares! I’m a published writer damn it! Worship me or suffer my wrath! My girlfriend and my daughter keep my ego in check. In my house I declare that I’m the boss and my girlfriend laughs at me and my daughter informs me that Mindy’s the boss. They keep me from being an even bigger asshole than I already am and as important as I want to think I am they’re there to laugh at me and ask if dinner’s done. We all need people who keep us grounded and focused. I’m just thankful that Mindy puts up with me and my daughter has no choice. She’s stuck with me.

The thing is that I have been through a lot in the last few years and I want to toot my own horn and have a massive ego, but I can’t because there will always be someone more important than I am walking around. I’ll still be the indy guy cooking dinner and taking out the garbage. I love cooking so that’s not a big deal but dishes are beneath me. When I start getting paid for writing I’m getting a damn dish washer and a hammock, If anyone needs me I’ll be in the backyard, Wait, I don’t have any trees in my back yard. We’ll have to move then. So a house with a backyard full of fucking trees, a dishwasher, and a hammock.

This morning I was working on this blog and I had to make my daughter pancakes. I was being creative and I had to stop just so I could make pancakes, Does Stephen King have to make fucking pancakes? Don’t think so. Being creative is hard work and I have to cut that shit off to make breakfast. My daughter loves that I’m published but when she wakes up it’s time to stop writing and make breakfast. Even the dog fucks with my creative flow. I can be all involved in a manuscript and I have to stop writing so the dog can take a shit. It’s not right damn it!!

I guess you can say I’m whining and I say all of this with my tongue firmly in my cheek. I know that I am extremely lucky to be where I am. There are people who wake up just looking to be miserable and here I am singing Happy. You know that song by Pharrell Williams? I love that song and people hate it cos it’s been played so damn much, but that song makes me wanna dance and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Am I the only one not sick of Shake It Off yet?��I can be writing my ass off and be stuck and I hear this and I’m good. As a horror writer I shouldn’t be listening to Shake It off or Happy and I forget that I’m even writing.

Maybe it ruins my rep as a bad ass horror writer but I think we all listen to shit that doesn’t fit in with the image people have of horror writers. What is that image anyway? I’m sure there’s some stuff that does fit in but for the most part I try to stay out of any sort of box. It makes life more interesting. Life is journey not a destination and I’m going to go back to spending time with my daughter and trying to edit my new book

Hourglass Heights Review

Once in awhile I like to break out of my mold and do something a bit different so here I am trying to figure out how I���m going to review Hourglass Heights. If you follow me on Facebook or Goodreads you know that I do review everything I read. As a writer I want ��to��lead��other people to books that they either haven���t heard of or should have heard about. How else are writers going to get people to read their books? I received Heights from Stuart Keane, and I have to admit that as a fan of the guys work if he recommends a book you know it���s going to be good so I have to thank Stuart for sending me a copy and telling me that I have to read it. Stuart���s like that. Maybe it���s how they do things in the UK, but seriously Stuart is the kind of writer we should all aspire to be. He helps promote other writers without asking for anything in return.

Hourglass by Ian David Noakes is the kind of novel that takes a variety of styles and throws into the a blender and what you end up with is a literary smoothie. There are elements of horror, supernatural, romance, and a bit of noir thrown in and while you may think this may make for one odd smoothie it���s pretty damn good. In order to make this work you have to have talent, and the guts to create something new and unique. As writer sometimes you have to take risks and Heights does that without becoming unhinged and falling apart. Ian balances all of these genres and keeps the plot flowing. Books like these rarely work but here it works seamlessly. It keeps the book interesting and you want to figure out who is murdering these men. What kind of person would do such a horrible thing?

You also have that James Patterson style of writing without it being too simple. It���s a complex novel with a plot that is built slowly, and methodically and when I say in a James Patterson style I meant that you get various viewpoints from other characters to give the story more depth. James Patterson could never write a book like this, and if he did I doubt that it would come off as well as this does. At the forefront is Detective Tanaka a detective with a few demons of her own, and this is where the majority of where the story is told. She isn���t your usual run of the mill detective and while she punishes herself for her father���s death you can���t help but wonder if she���ll ever find redemption. Then of course you have the murders themselves and these are quite gory and will excite fans of horror. Noakes has a fine eye for detail and with each character you get a real sense of who they are. ��This is a book that you have to read. If I were able to do stars here we would be talking a solid four star effort. Yes, it’s that good.

You can find Hourglass Heights here in the US��http://www.amazon.com/Hourglass-Heights-Ian-David-Noakes/dp/1849635374��and if you’re in the UK you can follow this link to the Amazon UK��http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hourglass-Heights-Ian-David-Noakes-ebook/dp/B00LF115UM

You can also check out Ian here ����www.goodreads.com/iandavidnoakes��as well as Facebook and Twitter��http://www.facebook.com/iandavidnoakes and��@iandavidnoakes. ��Also check out his website @��www.iandavidnoakes.com. Also check out ��The LIVE Q/A ON FACEBOOK – FEBRUARY 1st! https://www.facebook.com/events/703909973038018

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

[image error]

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 660 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 11 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

My Year In Review Or My Greatest Hits

For me to able to do this is pretty rad because for quite some time I haven’t been able to look back at an entire year and say; “This was a kick ass year!” The downside is that people will read this and get butt hurt because I have managed to have 365 days that didn’t suck. Sure, I got sick, and I’ve been through quite a few changes but I have to say that they were all for the better and it made the year that much better. I’m not one to toot my own but toot toot. I could have done this on Face book in a montage of selfies and useless knowledge about random shit but they don’t tell the entire story. I want people to read this blog and say; “Gloat much?” I can say in all fairness and honesty that I don’t. When I look back on the last few years I can tell you that there were moments that were great and I was awesome, but in the huge scheme of say 1 to awesome it wasn’t really all that awesome. I��deserve��a good year and god damn it I am going to gloat and toot my own horn because I can, and I haven’t been able to say that a year has been great in a very long time, This year I can say that it doesn’t suck to be me.

Right now I have my beautiful girlfriend next to me watching Firefly while I try and figure out how ��to put this year in some kind of linear fashion that proves that this was a year worthy of a review. The mere fact that this woman loves me and lives with me is one of those things that makes me scratch my bald head a little. I am not the easiest person to live with yet she accepts me for the mess that I am. Moving in with her was one the best decisions I have ever made. She completes me which I know sounds cliched but it’s true. She keeps me focused on my writing and makes me feel less like a total fuck up. I think we all need someone like that. She puts things in perspective which I need because the ADD makes it hard to stay focused. I never thought that I would be in a relationship again and I sure as hell never thought that I’d want to spend the rest of my life with anyone but she’s someone that I see where I am and where ��I want to be and I see her standing next to me.

This has been the year where I discovered that I actually am a damn good writer which is still surreal and bizarre. I have experimented with different genres and have discovered that I am capable of writing more than just stories that are filled with gore. As a writer I have finally grown comfortable to an extent and over the last year I have had stories published by J Ellington Ashton Press and even one of my favorite publishers Dynatox Ministries.

To have a story in a book published by Jordan Krall is pretty fucking cool. This is an indie pub that specializes in limited edition chap books and they look amazing. It was cool to have a book published but to have other people include my work in their anthologies is just as rad. One of those anthologies has been published and there are more coming out soon. As a writer I’m at that point where I feel comfortable which does sound weird but I look at Legacy as my jumping off point. Who knows where I’ll end up next .

I wrote that and what really surprised me is that other writers have read it and have liked it enough to give it some pretty solid reviews. Just having��a book published was enough, but when writers actually thank you in their books for being an inspiration and cool it’s mind blowing. The one thing that I learned is that it’s important to never lose who you are. Yes, I have a book published but that doesn’t make me any better than any other writer struggling to get their shit out there. I was very lucky to have a book published and at the end of the day I wrote and indie novella that a few writers and people in the UK dig. My career is slowly building momentum and it’s humbling to know that people are buying my little novella. Getting published was a high point for me. Getting the sequel to Legacy done is the next goal that I’m working on achieving.

What I love is that my girlfriend is 100% supportive. She allows me to branch off into these other projects and not once does she complain. She loves me despite the ADD and the side projects and never complains, That is how you know you’ve got a good woman. She loves you despite your flaws and many many side projects. Not many women would put up with me, and I know how lucky I am. Even when I do shit like this

She may��just gives��me an eye roll and a look that tells me I’ve truly lost my fucking mind.

I was able to accomplish a lot this year and my love of hair metal has��really amused her to the point where I’ve become accustomed to that look that tells me I’ve truly lost my fucking mind. I did try and listen to newer music but it just wasn’t as awesome as the hair metal. I tried, I really did, but I did discover that I really like 30 Seconds To Mars. I also branched away from my normal diet of splatter punk and bizarro fiction and started reading the Harry Potter series because she fucking loves that shit and because I love her I wanted to see why she likes it so much. It’s that balance that I admire. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and it’s been a bit weird but a good weird.

I was also able to write reviews for a website called brutal books. I have read a lot of great books this year and I like the creative side, and I also like getting a chance to introduce books to other people. The hardest part is knowing what it takes to create a book so I tend to look at the story itself and not how many mistakes are in a story. Only an asshole does that. I want to read a book and get sucked in. A great story is all I want and through brutal I have been able to read some really good shit. Horror isn’t dead folks.

Here it is my year in review. I got a book published, met a hot nerd and fell in love, was offered a chance to review for brutabooks.com and because the authors liked my reviews they sent me advanced reading copies of their new books, I started Legacy 2 and was then asked to take part in Rejected For Content 2 and was accepted, I began work on L2 once again and then was offered a chance to sub for Autumn Burning: Dread Time For The Wicked Soul and my story ��The Pumpkin man was included which I have to say was pretty fucking cool.

I sent stories to Jordan Krall and have two stories in two of his anthologies that were given a limited release. Was offered a chance to sub a story in a very cool clown anthology and was accepted. Moved in with hot nerd and fell even more in love. Resumed work on L2 and even received threats that I should finish the book or else. ��It was a great year and I cannot wait for 2015.

Taylor Swift Is The Devil

    Somehow I lost all my readers. I have no idea where they went. I must have either become too offensive or too boring or quite possibly both. I’m brain storming and trying to figure out how to bring in more readers but I can’t post breast-feeding pics and my ass is too hairy to show people. I could take a bunch of pictures of my ass but no one wants to see that shit do they? Alyssa Milano posts breast-feeding selfies and people lose their fucking mind but when that other chick poses nude it’s like the greatest thing since sliced bread. Are breast feeding selfies really that offensive?  I get it . People don’t want to see that shit and for good reason. These are breasts with a baby attached to them. They kind of lose their hotness don’t they? You can’t show people babies attached to boobies. It’s not right and who wants to see that shit? Give me more lesbian sex on Orange Is The New Black. I want to see two hot chicks get it on man. A woman breast-feeding isn’t attractive at all and why the hell would I want to see that shit on my instagram feed. Maybe if it wasn’t Alyssa Milano then it would be okay. You take some random woman in some small town breast-feeding people won’t lose their shit or may we’ve become so fucked up as a society that everything suddenly offends us except photoshopped ass and titties. I think I need to take some more selfies. Show off my shit a little. Dance with my shirt off or breast feed some babies. 

 

Taylor Swift is now the devil which amuses me a great deal. Suddenly U2 Isn’t such a bunch of rich assholes. They gave away their album away free and people lost their shit but suddenly when Taylor Swift decides not to allow Spotify to stream her music it’s like the end of the world. When Lars Ulrich went up against Napster he was labeled a rich rock star asshole that people made fun of and now Taylor Swift is doing it and now people are calling her an asshole. What’s the big fucking deal anyway? She did create the music right? Why shouldn’t she get paid for it? That’s what people aren’t getting. She has a right to do whatever she wants with her music. The thing is that people think that just because she’s rich she should lighten the hell up but it’s her job to create music so why shouldn’t she get paid? I made fun of Lars for being an asshole but he had a point. Why should people be getting his shit for free. Taylor should be paid for allowing her music to be streamed and now people are calling her the devil may actually be right but Taylor Swift is fucking nuts. You don’t fuck with crazy chicks. It’s a rule. Of course when it comes to artists they shouldn’t be compensated for something they created right? Don’t be an asshole. Once she records the record and it’s sold everywhere streaming the damn thing for pennies isn’t going to fuck up her income stream. When you give that record away you are the worst band on the planet though. I’ve heard both records and I’ll take the new U2 record because it’s ten times better. Maybe if they take their shit away from all streaming sources people will see just how fucking insane people are.

 

So what can I do to build back my readers? I’m a horror writer and a father who is just struggling to keep my head above water. The working poor continue to get fucked while the poor in this country are entitled to some really great benefits. I have a lot of fun writing this shit and I thank God that I don’t live in New York right now. Those people are buried under mountains of snow. They can’t get out of their homes and here I am struggling to come up with a decent Maybe I have lost my touch or have somehow become bored writing this shit every week. Who cares what I write anyway? I work so much that I have no social life. The economy is still fucked up and here I sit addicted to Netflix. We need Netflix though. It tells cable that we no longer need them. It’s like standing up to Taylor Swift and telling her to eat a dick. We found a new way to get your shit. Is an addiction to Netflix harmful? Is this what my life has become? Episodes of Orange Is The New Black while I work on my new novel. When did getting older become so mundane? I need a damn adventure. I need to stop watching Netflix and find a new hobby.

Doctor Who Would Cure Ebola

This whole Ebola thing has me perplexed and now that it’s almost over it’s okay to crack a few jokes right? I forgot my check list so I’m not exactly sure what is and isn’t supposed to be funny. People get butt hurt way too much over stupid shit. When I was a kid we joked about everything and no one got offended. Now you have to be careful because if you call someone a faggot in a crowded airport you will be tackled by strangers and beaten up. The guy that you called a fag will skip over and bitch slap you and possibly tweak your balls. See? That right there just offended someone. The Tinkerbell fairy will now visit me while I’m asleep and ass rape me. I did it again, Shall I go back to talking about my writing? The fact is you laughed and you too are going to hell, wait, are the Christians still in the bunkers waiting for Jesus to herd them home like the good little ship they are. They were all chanting and cheering awhile ago. I swear I heard them singing hymns at the first sign of Ebola. God is a loving God who will send an infectious disease to wipe out the sinners. Jesus loves me cos he killed the entire planet with Ebola. That should be on a goddamned t-shirt.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my best friend about this whole Ebola thing and I got worried. Intelligent people get worried when shit like this happens because the majority of the population is gullible and will believe anything the media tells them to. If Fox News told Conservatives to jump off a bridge they would. O’Reily would be spouting off these amazing percentages about how a mass suicide would show the Liberals that they had somehow ruined the country with their gay agenda or whatever hate speech was popular that week. It would probably be that Obama is the antichrist and the only way to stop him would be to jump off a bridge, Off the conservatives would go like good little lemmings and splat themselves into oblivion, The Ebola thing scared me and, it wasn’t even the disease that scared me. it was the fact that a lady got on a plane and traveled to her hometown. I live in Ohio and imagine how pissed we were to hear that shit, For awhile Obama wasn’t the antichrist, She was, The blame shifted to her, She became the poster child of stupidity and now I guess she’s okay but seriously, what the fuck was she thinking? She put a lot of people at risk and for what? A family reunion?

Ignorant people made Ebola more fucked up than it was. Some people thought Jesus was coming back and some were pretty sure it was a direct hit to eliminate the blacks from the world. Racists had a field day with this one and how could they not? Charles Manson thought it was the return of Helter Skelter. No Charlie didn’t say that but it sounds like something he would say. Now Obama wants to bring those infected here so we can cure them and I don’t think that’s a good idea. The conspiracy theories are already flying about this one and the last thing we need is a two hour special debunking the Ebola Conspiracy theories. Look on the bright side we got a cool costume out of it. Now that makes Ebola hot.

The thing that we were talking about was how nasty people are, If you think about it we live among some nasty people. Do we really need a sign that prompts employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom? What kind of sick fuck takes a shit and doesn’t wash their hands? Apparently, a lot of people. Makes you think twice about eating out doesn’t it? How many waiters are shitting and not washing their hands? Did the person that’s cooking my food just drop a shit and not wash his hands? What about the people that process my food? Holy shit there’s a whole slew of people touching my food!!! Did they take a shit and not wash their hands? Why in the hell do we need a sign urging people to wash their hands after shitting anyway? Isn’t that common sense? There are nose pickers, ball scratchers, vag sniffers all walking about without washing their hands. Suddenly the idea of shaking hands doesn’t sit that well with me. I don’t want people touching me at all. Stay the fuck away from me! The Ebola thing just made aware of how disgusting people are. As we talked it dawned on me that in America are not the sharpest peanuts in the turd.

We need a warning not to eat soap, a warning telling us that our coffee’s hot. Isn’t coffee generally hot? Why in the fuck do we need a warning for that? What kind of asshole would sue over a hot cup of coffee? The judge allowed this? It’s coffee, it’s hot, case dismissed you are an idiot! Next case! The Ebola thing just made me realize just how ignorant people are and they shouldn’t be allowed out of their house because they may in fact infect others with their stupidity. It happens and Fox News is proof of that, Now that I’ve offended half of my readers I should really end this, My girlfriend brought Godzilla over and I really want to see it.

Advice To Writers

I was at my local tobacco shop waiting to pay for my vice when the clerk asks me how I got published. It’s not an easy question to answer because it leads to a lot of shoe gazing and honestly I was a fluke. Odds are, no one will get published the way I did so I answered her the best way I knew how. Facebook. Seriously, if you think you’re a decent writer and want to get noticed it pays to social network. You have to really work hard at it, but no matter what genre you write there is always someone looking for raw talent. The upside is that if you’re good enough someone will accept your piece and who knows where it will lead. Here’s the tricky part and sometimes writers will complain that they are getting paid for their story but you are so suck it up cupcake and follow me here. You are an unpublished writer looking to get published, You just did. A publisher obviously thinks you have talent so now that they’re familiar with your work you have a foot in the door. You can now submit your novel and who knows they may remember you and actually publish it if it’s good enough.

I also say Facebook is a good way to network with fellow authors. Do yourself a favor and don’t be a fan boy/girl about it. We are just like you except we actually get to write  and sometimes people notice. It doesn’t make me any different from any one else except I’m cooler and have a valid excuse to be more of an asshole. A lot of the writers that I talk to on the ‘Book are quite willing to talk to people but don’t be annoying. We get don’t like stalkers or creepers. Some of us have to write that shit and don’t really want to deal with it when we log into our Facebook. We generally want to watch cat videos, or Randy Orton RKO’ing random people. Don’t expect the bulk of us to be PC. We just aren’t so if you are easily butt hurt you may just as well forget about being a writer. Take up knitting or something. Watch those annoying ass cat videos that everyone shares. We all know that cats are assholes, but now, thanks to Facebook we have tons of proof.

I actually gave this woman my email and told her I would help her in any way I could. I wanted to help someone like myself and maybe check out her work and see how good it is. We all know someone who wants to be writer, but sometimes when they give you a sample you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I figured the least I could do was give her some guidance, see what options are available for whatever genre she writes in. The cool thing is that I get a gold star for helping and I helped someone achieve their dream of getting published. I got no email. What kind of person does that? I gave her an in and she doesn’t take it? That’s like taking Kaley Cuoco out for dinner and she comes home, she gets naked and wants you bang her into a coma, and you’re all like: “I think I’ll make a sammitch.” No one would do that. I hope no sane heterosexual male would pass up banging Kaley Cuoco for a fucking sammitch and if you do you are an asshole.

 

I digress. The only real advice that  I can give is write. Write your ass off. I work 3rd shift and usually work about 12 hours but when I come I eat, fuck around with Facebook, and pull up whatever I’m working on, While I eat I write for about an hour or two. On my days off I may write for a good 8-10 hours but for me that’s normal. I want to improve as a writer so it would make sense that I spend so much time writing.  I enjoy it so why not spend time improving? If you have a deadline you have to put in the time so if that’s already in place deadlines won’t stress me you out. You just get used to it and hope for the best. If you ever feel as if writing isn’t fun anymore then stop. The whole goal here is to be able to write as a main source of income so if you aren’t having fun then just quit. No sense in turning this into  a job that you hate. You are going to be expected to write and if you can’t then why bother? You are wasting your time. If you think you’re instantly going to pump out a book and be noticed you should quit. I write because it’s fun and I’m good at it, I make no money and no one know that I write but at some point they will so instead of being a bitch about it I just keep subbing stories and pay my dues. We all have to do it.

 

When you read absorb, as much as possible use your favorite authors as you influence. Be you, but use whatever style you like and work it  into what you’re doing but don’t rip off your influence. I incorporate a lot of dark humor into whatever I’m writing and I hope that my influences shine through Whatever style you write in should be influenced by something. I can’t stress enough that sometimes, you have to eliminate a lot of comfort zones. There are things that I won’t write about but everything else is fair game. Common sense alone should dictate things you as a person would deem off-limits.  Never ever be afraid of offending someone because now everyone’s offended by something. Don’t ever second guess yourself and always keep in mind that not everyone is going to like what you write, Fuck ‘em. You’re going to get bad reviews and people aren’t going to like your book. People are assholes but you can’t please everyone so this is why I say write for yourself. Be your own nasty, asshole critic and once you start writing for yourself you’ll see that people will like what you write.

 

My bronchitis meds mixed with the inhaler are making thought a chore so before I take a header into my coffee table what inspires you? Take that shit and use it. Fuck writing about what you know because Google is your best friend. Write about shit you don’t know. Take risks and tackle other genres just to say you did it. If you’re a guy reading this I cannot stress enough to stay away from the chick lit genre. We have dicks so we can’t write from a women’s perspective. We’ve had girlfriend’s or even a wife. There’s no way to get into a chick’s head without driving yourself bat shit crazy. Women cannot be figured out and that’s why we need them around. They make like interesting but once you begin to think like a chick your life is fucking over. Turn in your man card and put on a skirt. I hope that I’ve actually helped and if I haven’t sorry, but I am suffering with bronchitis and wish this had been more helpful. If you need me I’ll be on Facebook watching cat videos.

 

 

Playing Dress Up With My Invisible Friend

I have to be honest and say that I’m not really a fan of fall, It’s a shitty boring season that just prolongs an even shittier season which is winter. Fuck fall. Fuck all the leaves changing color and let’s just be honest and admit that fall is just a shitty bi-polar month, You can never dress right in the fall. You can guess what it’s going to be and I guess in other states or countries that you live in that would be fine but I live in Ohio. Our weather people can’t predict our weather because it changes every fifteen minutes. You can step outside and it’s seventy. Go back in, get some coffee and go back out it’s gone down to fifty degrees. People that live in Ohio bitch all the time about the weather we have but where the fuck are we gonna go? We have kids and jobs. We’re stuck. The older I get the more cantankerous I become. To me the perfect weather is around seventy. Any hotter and I hate leaving my house. I have central air so why in the hell do I need groceries? It’s hot out, Fuck it, I’m watching Netflix.

I have to point out in this blog that I have the best girlfriend ever, I say this because I know how difficult I can be, She puts up with a lot from me. We go to the store and I am distracted by the most random shit, I go in for soap and come out with shit I didn’t know I wanted. (Edit in from the girlfriend.  As I just pointed out to him, he didn’t want it until he saw it.  I need to blindfold him when we go shopping.) Instead of grabbing me by my shoulders and slapping the piss out of me she giggles. As soon as I hear that I know that at some point the ADD kicked in and I am in full Hammy the squirrel mode. She never complains and that’s part of why I love her. She knows how bad shit will get once I’m outside yet she just rolls her eyes and giggles.

Dating a smart woman has some serious benefits, On top of being amazing and beautiful she uses big words which is sexy as fuck. Having a conversation with her is freeing, I don’t have to dumb myself down or explain myself because she totally understands me. There’s nothing worse than talking to your girlfriend and looking over at her and you’ve totally broken her by just talking to her. It’s one thing to break a girl during sex but when you’re having a conversation and you look at her and her eyes are glazed over, and she’s drooling you know you’ve just broken her. There’s no relationship after that. She just became that dumb bitch you have to get rid of.

As a writer it’s important to be with someone who stimulates you mentally. I had this check list of what I was looking for in a woman and she had every quality that I was looking for and she totally accepts me for who I am. I can be just as fucking random as I want and she is right there with me. She reads every fucked up story I write and she still loves me. I took on book reviews for brutalbooks.com which is a great splatterpunk website. After reading this you should go and check it out. Instead of saying you might be taking on too much she supported me and was happy for me. She may not read the books I review but so what I don’t expect her to. That would make me a bit of an asshole.

Now that’s October I can finally rejoice because as a horror fan I love Halloween. What’s not to like about a month designed to scare the shit out of you. What annoys me is that people only watch horror movies during the Halloween season which really confuses me. Horror films are such a huge part of entertainment avoiding them would be almost impossible. A world without horror would be a sad world. I need to see Jason chop up some hot naked chick or, watch as Leatherface fucks shit up with a chainsaw, As a horror writer I urge those people who only watch horror films and read horror novels only in October to please stop being an asshole. You’re killing me.

As the year creeps to its end I have to say that this has been an awesome year for me. I became a published author, started dating an amazing woman and I’m being published in six anthologies that people who only read horror stories in October won’t get to read until next year. I went from wondering if I was good enough to thinking yep, I am good enough so as soon as these anthologies are out I will throw links up everywhere. A lot of doors are opening for me and I have a lot of people to thank for that. I even managed to get two stories into Dynatox anthologies. That in itself is pretty fucking cool To be a fan of not only Jordan Krall, but his publishing company Dynatox Ministries, and then have stories featured in two of his books is a true watershed moment for me. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but toot toot. No one knows that I write but that’s beside the point. Soon they will and even when, and if they do it doesn’t matter to me.  I didn’t write to be famous and if anyone does that they’re going to be disappointed real fast. I am having a blast and I’m growing into a decent writer,

The splatterpunk genre has been amazing. I have had a few authors invite me to submit stories for a couple of anthologies. Stuart Keane, Jim Goforth, and Jeff O’Brien are some of the coolest dudes around. Not only are they talented writers but they have made this writing thing a lot easier. There is a huge network of support in the splatterpunk community ad guys like Alex Johnson, and even women like Cat Dahman have a true passion and love for this genre. I’m proud to be a part of it. You can follow me on Facebook by following this link here https://www.facebook.com/splatterpunk.... As a fan of horror I don’t mind connecting with other horror fans. I am all out of shit to say so here is where we part company.