Duffy Prendergast's Blog: Mars day 1, page 4
November 11, 2014
Mars Day 32: Convictims
“Sir, I beg to report that our country has a drug problem.”
What sort of a problem is that Ablo?”
“People are abusing dangerous drugs in record numbers. Kids are killing each other in the streets over drug debts and territory. There are drive-by snow-ballings every day. Don’t you watch the news?”
No Ablo, I don’t watch the news. They keep saying bad things about me. But Ablo my boy, this drug thing is not a problem…it’s an opportunity!
“How is that sir?”
We’ll use it in our campaign. We’ll come up with a clever slogan like “Just Say No” to drugs of course.
“That ought to work. Slogans are a great deterrent sir.”
Glad you agree. And we’ll put people in jail if we catch them with drugs.
“You mean dealing drugs…right sir?”
No, Ablo, we’ll put them in jail for using drugs. That should put a stop to it.
“But aren’t the drug users really the victims here?”
They won’t be victims once they’re in jail. They’ll be con-victims…ha ha ha…get it…convicts…con-victims?
“So you’re suggesting that we put the victims in jail…to discourage them from feeding their addictions…then we slap them with a felony so that they can never get a job…and we house them and feed them for free?”
That’s a wonderful idea Ablo…why didn’t I think of that? I really like this felony thing. It’s good to permanently label these con-victims so that we don’t accidentally hire them.
“But sir…most of the politicians in office today have admitted to or been convicted of drug abuse.”
When will you learn, Ablo, that politicians are a different breed. We don’t follow rules…we just make them.
“I’m glad you have such strong Con-victions sir…get it…convict…Convictions?”
Very funny Ablo.
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What sort of a problem is that Ablo?”
“People are abusing dangerous drugs in record numbers. Kids are killing each other in the streets over drug debts and territory. There are drive-by snow-ballings every day. Don’t you watch the news?”
No Ablo, I don’t watch the news. They keep saying bad things about me. But Ablo my boy, this drug thing is not a problem…it’s an opportunity!
“How is that sir?”
We’ll use it in our campaign. We’ll come up with a clever slogan like “Just Say No” to drugs of course.
“That ought to work. Slogans are a great deterrent sir.”
Glad you agree. And we’ll put people in jail if we catch them with drugs.
“You mean dealing drugs…right sir?”
No, Ablo, we’ll put them in jail for using drugs. That should put a stop to it.
“But aren’t the drug users really the victims here?”
They won’t be victims once they’re in jail. They’ll be con-victims…ha ha ha…get it…convicts…con-victims?
“So you’re suggesting that we put the victims in jail…to discourage them from feeding their addictions…then we slap them with a felony so that they can never get a job…and we house them and feed them for free?”
That’s a wonderful idea Ablo…why didn’t I think of that? I really like this felony thing. It’s good to permanently label these con-victims so that we don’t accidentally hire them.
“But sir…most of the politicians in office today have admitted to or been convicted of drug abuse.”
When will you learn, Ablo, that politicians are a different breed. We don’t follow rules…we just make them.
“I’m glad you have such strong Con-victions sir…get it…convict…Convictions?”
Very funny Ablo.
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Mars Day 33: The Papacy
You know, Ablo, I was just looking at the Forbes 500 richest people…and I don’t see any billionaire presidents…perhaps I’ve been going after the wrong position here. I see that there is a Catholic Bishop who’s doing rather well. Big McMansion, fancy car...fancy duds and so on. Do you think I’d make a good Bishop Ablo?
“Bishop sir…I thought we were shooting for supreme leader. What is this Bishophood you speak of?”
Where I come from, religious leaders are very powerful…more powerful than supreme leaders in some ways. I was just thinking that the Vatican seems to pay there Bishops pretty well…what with two million dollar mansions and all…imagine what the Pope must rake in.
“But Isn’t supreme leader the most powerful position?”
Perhaps…but with term limits, you only get to be supreme leader for eight years…you get to be pope for a lifetime…and then if you get tired of the position, you can sell your seat.
“Really?”
Yes…there’s precident. Pope Benedict did it about a thousand years ago. And besides the obvious perks…there’s a huge audience waiting outside your front door whenever you wish to give a speech. You’ve got a guaranteed free pass to heaven…and on top of that…whatever you say is true…regardless of whether or not it’s true.
“Sounds like a perfect fit for you sir…or for any politician for that matter.”
Very funny Ablo, but the Pope is infallible. That means I could do no wrong.
“And just think of the women you’d attract with so much power and money.”
Yeah…about that…well…supreme leader doesn’t sound so bad really.
“But the Papacy sounds like an even better job…why not go with that?”
Well Ablo, as great as the job is…you’re only aloud to sleep with little boys if you join the priesthood.
“I see…little girls are okay…but little boys not so much eh?”
You’re a sick man Ablo. You should really see someone about that you know.
“How about we doll the boys up in intern's dresses and put make-up on them sir…would that do it for you sir?”
One more word from you and I’ll make you an altar boy.
“Bishop sir…I thought we were shooting for supreme leader. What is this Bishophood you speak of?”
Where I come from, religious leaders are very powerful…more powerful than supreme leaders in some ways. I was just thinking that the Vatican seems to pay there Bishops pretty well…what with two million dollar mansions and all…imagine what the Pope must rake in.
“But Isn’t supreme leader the most powerful position?”
Perhaps…but with term limits, you only get to be supreme leader for eight years…you get to be pope for a lifetime…and then if you get tired of the position, you can sell your seat.
“Really?”
Yes…there’s precident. Pope Benedict did it about a thousand years ago. And besides the obvious perks…there’s a huge audience waiting outside your front door whenever you wish to give a speech. You’ve got a guaranteed free pass to heaven…and on top of that…whatever you say is true…regardless of whether or not it’s true.
“Sounds like a perfect fit for you sir…or for any politician for that matter.”
Very funny Ablo, but the Pope is infallible. That means I could do no wrong.
“And just think of the women you’d attract with so much power and money.”
Yeah…about that…well…supreme leader doesn’t sound so bad really.
“But the Papacy sounds like an even better job…why not go with that?”
Well Ablo, as great as the job is…you’re only aloud to sleep with little boys if you join the priesthood.
“I see…little girls are okay…but little boys not so much eh?”
You’re a sick man Ablo. You should really see someone about that you know.
“How about we doll the boys up in intern's dresses and put make-up on them sir…would that do it for you sir?”
One more word from you and I’ll make you an altar boy.
MARS DAY 34: SLINGBLADE
“Sir, a terrible thing has happened. A student at one of our schools has slashed two dozen students with a kitchen knife.”
That’s terrible Ablo. Ready Mars-force-One. We need to visit the site and demonstrate our compassion.
“Already done sir, step outside and climb aboard.”
How’s about a little drink to settle our nerves Ablo.
“Look down their sir…that’s one of our kitchen knife manufacturing plants.”
There ought to be a law Ablo.
“A law sir?”
This is a terrible thing. What do you suppose would lend a young Martian to do such a thing?
“It’s probably the bullying sir. We need to do something about the bullying.”
Ablo…I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. I think we need to take all of the kitchen knives away from these people so that this never happens again.
“But won’t the bullies just make their own kitchen knives”
It’s possible Ablo, but we have no control over what the bullies do, so let’s take the kitchen knives away from every citizen on this planet so that this never happens again.
“But then how will we cut our potatoes sir?”
You have a point Ablo…we’ll keep our kitchen knives…we’ll just take them away from the people.
“How will the rest of our planet cut up their potatoes?”
They’ll just have to use forks.
“What if the bullies get their hands on these forks and start stabbing people with them?”
Dammit Ablo…we’ll just have to take away their forks too. Let them eat their potatoes with spoons.
“We’ve landed sir.”
Quick Ablo…put on your compassionate face and let’s take advantage of this situation. Use the bullhorn to announce my presence.
“Ladies and gentlemen…you’re future supreme leader.”
“Help me…I’ve been stabbed…I’m bleeding.”
There…there...every things going to be alright young lady. We’ll have that arm sewed back in a jiffy.
“Help me…someone’s cut off my jibblies.”
That’s terrible young man…for Gorks sake...get someone to sew this boy's jibblies back on immediately.
"Way to take charge sir."
Ablo...let's put an end to this now! We must end the carnage.
Listen up Ablo. Send our troops out immediately…I want them going door to door to every house on Mars.
We’ll rid this planet of every kitchen utensil if it’s the last thing I do. I don't care if people have to eat their potatoes with their bare hands.
"That's barbaric sir."
Nothing is more barbaric than letting people have kitchen utensils Ablo. Nothing is more barbaric than having young boys get their jibblies cut off. Bullies don't kill people...kitchen utensils do!
That’s terrible Ablo. Ready Mars-force-One. We need to visit the site and demonstrate our compassion.
“Already done sir, step outside and climb aboard.”
How’s about a little drink to settle our nerves Ablo.
“Look down their sir…that’s one of our kitchen knife manufacturing plants.”
There ought to be a law Ablo.
“A law sir?”
This is a terrible thing. What do you suppose would lend a young Martian to do such a thing?
“It’s probably the bullying sir. We need to do something about the bullying.”
Ablo…I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. I think we need to take all of the kitchen knives away from these people so that this never happens again.
“But won’t the bullies just make their own kitchen knives”
It’s possible Ablo, but we have no control over what the bullies do, so let’s take the kitchen knives away from every citizen on this planet so that this never happens again.
“But then how will we cut our potatoes sir?”
You have a point Ablo…we’ll keep our kitchen knives…we’ll just take them away from the people.
“How will the rest of our planet cut up their potatoes?”
They’ll just have to use forks.
“What if the bullies get their hands on these forks and start stabbing people with them?”
Dammit Ablo…we’ll just have to take away their forks too. Let them eat their potatoes with spoons.
“We’ve landed sir.”
Quick Ablo…put on your compassionate face and let’s take advantage of this situation. Use the bullhorn to announce my presence.
“Ladies and gentlemen…you’re future supreme leader.”
“Help me…I’ve been stabbed…I’m bleeding.”
There…there...every things going to be alright young lady. We’ll have that arm sewed back in a jiffy.
“Help me…someone’s cut off my jibblies.”
That’s terrible young man…for Gorks sake...get someone to sew this boy's jibblies back on immediately.
"Way to take charge sir."
Ablo...let's put an end to this now! We must end the carnage.
Listen up Ablo. Send our troops out immediately…I want them going door to door to every house on Mars.
We’ll rid this planet of every kitchen utensil if it’s the last thing I do. I don't care if people have to eat their potatoes with their bare hands.
"That's barbaric sir."
Nothing is more barbaric than letting people have kitchen utensils Ablo. Nothing is more barbaric than having young boys get their jibblies cut off. Bullies don't kill people...kitchen utensils do!
Mars Day 35: Zee Plane Boss...Zee Plane
I’m truly depressed Ablo. According to our little Mars rover television…back where I come from we’ve lost an aeroplane. Pfft! Vanished into thin air.
“That’s too bad sir. But it was necessary you know.”
Necessary Ablo? There were over three hundred people aboard that plane. They mysteriously reversed direction over a very large, and I might add unfrozen, body of water. Unless they landed in some foreign unknown place…those lives are lost forever. What could possibly be necessary about that?
“Don’t worry about the people sir. They’re fine.”
That’s ridiculous Ablo…how can they be fine. They’re probably at the bottom of the ocean.
“Well…not exactly sir. Let me show you something.”
Where are you taking me Ablo. This is ridiculous. It’s freezing out here. What could you possibly show me that would make a difference for those people on that plane?
“Ze plane sir.”
Yes…it’s Mars-Force-One. What about it?
“Well….you needed a plane…and…well…”
You can’t mean…? But How?
“Let me show you something else sir.”
Why Ablo…it’s an entire civilization of Pink people…just like me. Why haven’t I seen them before? And some of them look famous. There’s Elvis, Sinead O’Conner, Larry King, Glen Beck. My Gork…I think I see Susan Surandon. Those are some whacked individuals back where I come from.
“That’s not all sir.”
Another room Ablo…why there goes Richard Nixon and Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin. And there’s Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama. So those people over on my planet…the reason they're acting like complete lunatics and idiots…they’re really just aliens?
“We’ve been taking them a few at a time for years sir…those stories you hear about anal probing and U.F.O.’s…well they’re all true sir. We plant our mentally retarded people in their bodies and set them loose...and you must admit they really fit quite nicely where you come from. You have a lot of strange individuals over there.
Tell me it’s a nightmare Ablo. I'm on Fantasy Island, right? I’m going to wake up any second now…right?
“And let me show you show you something else.”
Ablo that’s the biggest pile of socks I’ve ever seen.
“From billions of clothes dryers on your planet. It’s our little April fool’s joke…a little over the top, I know, but our CIA just can’t seem to help themselves.”
But Ablo…all of these covert operations….it’s outrageous. How can you do things without the consent of the people.
“We learned that trick from you’re government sir.”
We have to do something about this Ablo…this can’t go on the way it has! I’m a politician…and even I know this is wrong!
“Shhhh…sir….they might hear you. If you’re overheard by them they’ll ship you off to Venus. You’ll never be heard from again.”
Oh, look Ablo…over there…it’s a pub…let’s go get a drink.
“Would you like me to invite some of your fellow pink friends to toast a few sir?”
What pink friends Ablo. I see nothing. I know Nothing!
“I like Hogan’s Heroes too sir. Great show. Would you like to at least invite John Banner?”
No Ablo…I think I’d like to drink this next bottle alone.
“That’s too bad sir. But it was necessary you know.”
Necessary Ablo? There were over three hundred people aboard that plane. They mysteriously reversed direction over a very large, and I might add unfrozen, body of water. Unless they landed in some foreign unknown place…those lives are lost forever. What could possibly be necessary about that?
“Don’t worry about the people sir. They’re fine.”
That’s ridiculous Ablo…how can they be fine. They’re probably at the bottom of the ocean.
“Well…not exactly sir. Let me show you something.”
Where are you taking me Ablo. This is ridiculous. It’s freezing out here. What could you possibly show me that would make a difference for those people on that plane?
“Ze plane sir.”
Yes…it’s Mars-Force-One. What about it?
“Well….you needed a plane…and…well…”
You can’t mean…? But How?
“Let me show you something else sir.”
Why Ablo…it’s an entire civilization of Pink people…just like me. Why haven’t I seen them before? And some of them look famous. There’s Elvis, Sinead O’Conner, Larry King, Glen Beck. My Gork…I think I see Susan Surandon. Those are some whacked individuals back where I come from.
“That’s not all sir.”
Another room Ablo…why there goes Richard Nixon and Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin. And there’s Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama. So those people over on my planet…the reason they're acting like complete lunatics and idiots…they’re really just aliens?
“We’ve been taking them a few at a time for years sir…those stories you hear about anal probing and U.F.O.’s…well they’re all true sir. We plant our mentally retarded people in their bodies and set them loose...and you must admit they really fit quite nicely where you come from. You have a lot of strange individuals over there.
Tell me it’s a nightmare Ablo. I'm on Fantasy Island, right? I’m going to wake up any second now…right?
“And let me show you show you something else.”
Ablo that’s the biggest pile of socks I’ve ever seen.
“From billions of clothes dryers on your planet. It’s our little April fool’s joke…a little over the top, I know, but our CIA just can’t seem to help themselves.”
But Ablo…all of these covert operations….it’s outrageous. How can you do things without the consent of the people.
“We learned that trick from you’re government sir.”
We have to do something about this Ablo…this can’t go on the way it has! I’m a politician…and even I know this is wrong!
“Shhhh…sir….they might hear you. If you’re overheard by them they’ll ship you off to Venus. You’ll never be heard from again.”
Oh, look Ablo…over there…it’s a pub…let’s go get a drink.
“Would you like me to invite some of your fellow pink friends to toast a few sir?”
What pink friends Ablo. I see nothing. I know Nothing!
“I like Hogan’s Heroes too sir. Great show. Would you like to at least invite John Banner?”
No Ablo…I think I’d like to drink this next bottle alone.
Mars Day 36: Red lite Green lite
What are you doing Ablo?
“Just watching a television show on the Mars Rover.”
Marvelous Ablo. It’s good to see that it has better use than snooping around for rocks.
“Yes sir. It’s good for just snooping too.”
Who’s that fellow on the show you’re watching? He looks rather dashing. As a matter of fact…he looks just like me.
“There is a strong resemblance isn’t there sir?”
And Ablo, that looks just like miss Monicolointzgee. And they’re in a public park stuping!
“It’s kinda like watching an epileptic grappling with a walrus eh? In the last scene they were in a McDonalds bathroom doing it, and in the scene before that she violated a few laws at the ATM.”
Ablo, there’s something wrong here. These scenes seem to coincide with my day.
“How’s that sir?”
Well miss Monicolointzgee and I were just at the bank, a McDonalds restaurant and a public park.
“Were you stuping?”
In public Ablo…that’s just wierd! What do you take me for?
“A politician sir.”
Ablo! They’re in a movie theatre now. And she’s giving him a—
“Yes sir, she seems to be quite the acrobat.”
But Ablo…we just this minute left the movie theatre.
“But you didn’t have sex in public places so this couldn’t be you sir.”
Turn that thing off immediately Ablo. That’s pornographic!
“Yes sir.”
How can they have cameras in so many different places Ablo? They shouldn’t be allowed to watch our every move! It’s as if they have cameras everywhere.
“Pretty much.”
The next thing you know they’ll be putting them at intersections to see if we’re running red lights and speeding. Is it just me, or is there something Orwellian about this picture? We must put a stop to this immediately.
“But the red light and speeding cameras are paying off pretty good sir. We’ve collected almost enough money to pay for the national debt.”
You don’t say. Maybe we should leave those cameras alone.
“Oh, by the way, these came in the mail for you sir.”
Splendid Ablo…it must be my fan mail…they’ve got pictures of me in all of these. There must be hundreds of them!
“They’re camera speeding tickets sir.”
Dammit Ablo! This just isn’t fair. I won’t pay them Ablo! It’s taxation without representation!
“Yes sir.”
But they’re putting a dent in the national debt you say?
“Yes sir.”
Let’s keep these speeding cameras then. From now on you’ll be driving me Ablo.
“Yes sir.”
But let’s see about getting the cameras removed from the movie theatres. We can’t have them spying on us while we go to the show. It just isn’t right!
“Just watching a television show on the Mars Rover.”
Marvelous Ablo. It’s good to see that it has better use than snooping around for rocks.
“Yes sir. It’s good for just snooping too.”
Who’s that fellow on the show you’re watching? He looks rather dashing. As a matter of fact…he looks just like me.
“There is a strong resemblance isn’t there sir?”
And Ablo, that looks just like miss Monicolointzgee. And they’re in a public park stuping!
“It’s kinda like watching an epileptic grappling with a walrus eh? In the last scene they were in a McDonalds bathroom doing it, and in the scene before that she violated a few laws at the ATM.”
Ablo, there’s something wrong here. These scenes seem to coincide with my day.
“How’s that sir?”
Well miss Monicolointzgee and I were just at the bank, a McDonalds restaurant and a public park.
“Were you stuping?”
In public Ablo…that’s just wierd! What do you take me for?
“A politician sir.”
Ablo! They’re in a movie theatre now. And she’s giving him a—
“Yes sir, she seems to be quite the acrobat.”
But Ablo…we just this minute left the movie theatre.
“But you didn’t have sex in public places so this couldn’t be you sir.”
Turn that thing off immediately Ablo. That’s pornographic!
“Yes sir.”
How can they have cameras in so many different places Ablo? They shouldn’t be allowed to watch our every move! It’s as if they have cameras everywhere.
“Pretty much.”
The next thing you know they’ll be putting them at intersections to see if we’re running red lights and speeding. Is it just me, or is there something Orwellian about this picture? We must put a stop to this immediately.
“But the red light and speeding cameras are paying off pretty good sir. We’ve collected almost enough money to pay for the national debt.”
You don’t say. Maybe we should leave those cameras alone.
“Oh, by the way, these came in the mail for you sir.”
Splendid Ablo…it must be my fan mail…they’ve got pictures of me in all of these. There must be hundreds of them!
“They’re camera speeding tickets sir.”
Dammit Ablo! This just isn’t fair. I won’t pay them Ablo! It’s taxation without representation!
“Yes sir.”
But they’re putting a dent in the national debt you say?
“Yes sir.”
Let’s keep these speeding cameras then. From now on you’ll be driving me Ablo.
“Yes sir.”
But let’s see about getting the cameras removed from the movie theatres. We can’t have them spying on us while we go to the show. It just isn’t right!
August 19, 2014
Mars Day 22: Taming The Shrew
Ablo, I’m glad you talked me into visiting one of our local schools. It makes it look as if I care. Will there be any babies to kiss? That always makes a good impression.
“No sir, this is a High School.”
Never the less there should be some good photo ops. There sure are a lot of cameras pointing at us, we better make this look good. Let’s visit a classroom, shall we?
“Classes havn’t started sir, but we can walk around the school building and check out the facilities.”
Look over there Ablo, by the gymnasium, it’s one of the teachers. He’s lying on his back and fiddling with something! He must be psyching himself up for the day. I want to talk to him.
Excuse me sir, what is it that you’re doing?
“Sir, perhaps we should talk to someone else, this man seems to be…well…busy.”
Nonsense Ablo. Sir, is this some sort of experiment your performing on yourself for the benefit of your class?
“Nope! I’ll be honest, I saw some cute sixteen year old girls in the walkway coming into the building, and I couldn’t resist milking the mongoose while I pictured them naked.”
So you teach Biology then?
“No, I’m greasing the crankshaft. You know…Taming the Shrew!”
So you teach English Literature then?”
“Could you be more dense? I’m popping the cork! Pulling the old crankshaft! Milking the Goat! Are you daft?”
That covers so many different subjects. Ablo, I’ve got it. This old codger must be….a substitute teacher! Damn but I love word games. I’m a crackerjack at Jeopardy you know!
“Sir, I think Mount Aetna here is about to erupt. We need to give this man some privacy…while he prepares for his…lessons.”
Taming the Shrew was one of my favorite books Ablo. What a wonderful teacher he must be. It’s a good thing we do background checks on these guys, otherwise we might accidentally let in all kinds of perverts.
“We can’t have that sir.”
They do make wonderful politicians though!
“No sir, this is a High School.”
Never the less there should be some good photo ops. There sure are a lot of cameras pointing at us, we better make this look good. Let’s visit a classroom, shall we?
“Classes havn’t started sir, but we can walk around the school building and check out the facilities.”
Look over there Ablo, by the gymnasium, it’s one of the teachers. He’s lying on his back and fiddling with something! He must be psyching himself up for the day. I want to talk to him.
Excuse me sir, what is it that you’re doing?
“Sir, perhaps we should talk to someone else, this man seems to be…well…busy.”
Nonsense Ablo. Sir, is this some sort of experiment your performing on yourself for the benefit of your class?
“Nope! I’ll be honest, I saw some cute sixteen year old girls in the walkway coming into the building, and I couldn’t resist milking the mongoose while I pictured them naked.”
So you teach Biology then?
“No, I’m greasing the crankshaft. You know…Taming the Shrew!”
So you teach English Literature then?”
“Could you be more dense? I’m popping the cork! Pulling the old crankshaft! Milking the Goat! Are you daft?”
That covers so many different subjects. Ablo, I’ve got it. This old codger must be….a substitute teacher! Damn but I love word games. I’m a crackerjack at Jeopardy you know!
“Sir, I think Mount Aetna here is about to erupt. We need to give this man some privacy…while he prepares for his…lessons.”
Taming the Shrew was one of my favorite books Ablo. What a wonderful teacher he must be. It’s a good thing we do background checks on these guys, otherwise we might accidentally let in all kinds of perverts.
“We can’t have that sir.”
They do make wonderful politicians though!
August 17, 2014
Mars, Day 8: The Baby Boom
It’s a glorious Monday and I’ve just arrived at the hospital because one of my good Martian friends, Ablo, is about to become a father. He’s so excited. This is his first child. I’m just as thrilled for him as he is. There’s a long line of people in the maternity ward, all of them waiting to have babies. There aren’t enough doctors to go around, what with all the fornicating for the cause, so the nurse, a pleasant Brown Martian with a pretty smile and a nice figure, just came out, and with the most soothing voice, she said,
“Ladies, I realize you’re in terrible discomfort, but know that the doctor is aware of your desperate situations, and he will get to you as quickly as he can. Please just continue to cross your legs and hold on.”
She’s a beautiful lass, and I’m thinking of asking her to lend me a hand in the global cooling cause.
“Did you hear that, Ablo, they’re going to get to you any minute now and you’re going to be a proud father!”
Mrs. Alboe, bloated like an elephant tho she is, is a beautiful Yellow Martian with long flowing yellow hair and beautiful blue eyes. She looks into my eyes with what I can only describe as a passionate expression and says,
“That’s the fourth fucking time that bitch has been out here and said the same Gork-damn thing! If she asks me to cross my legs one more fucking time, with that giddy fucking smile, I’m going to pull her teeth out one by one!”
“Albo, she’s such a kidder, your beautiful lady. But I must admit that there does seem to be a bit of a backup. Since I’ve come here it looks like the line has grown twice as long. But I’m sure that the extra doctors will be along soon.”
“What extra doctors? Since you announced the free healthcare most of the doctors have quit the profession. They’re a bit skeptical about getting paid. The poor fellow in there isn’t even a real doctor. It’s an honorary title. He’s just a professional athlete. He’s had so many children with so many different women that he’s the most knowledgeable man available when it comes to delivering babies!”
“Oh dear. But look, here comes the nurse again. Maybe it’s your turn.”
“Ladies, I realize you’re in terrible discomfort, but know that the doctor is aware of your desperate situations, and he will get to you as quickly as he can. Please just continue to cross your legs and hold on.”
“I’ll kill her!” Albo’s lady tries to get up, but he holds her down.
“She sounds like one of those recordings you get when you call the phone company.” I say,
“It’s funny you should say so. That’s what she was doing a week ago. But with this new free health care thing in place we’ve started offering one-night crash courses on nursing.” Says Albo.
“I know this isn’t the best time to ask, Albo, but with all the fornicating going on, and all of these babies being born…er…waiting to be born, who’s going to care for all of them?”
“Since you’ve announced your new free programs for this and free that for anyone and everyone, I don’t expect that that will be a problem.”
“Oh, yeah…the people like that plan eh?”
“Yes, they like it a lot. But I have a question for you Duffy. Where will you get the money to pay for it all?”
“Well from taxes of course. You worry too much Albo. Where I come from, we use taxes to pay for everything.”
“What if there isn’t enough money to pay for all of the free stuff?”
“Oh, that’s no problem. We just raise the taxes a bit more, and the problem is solved. Oh, look Albo, here comes the nurse again…maybe it’s finally your turn.”
“Ladies, I realize you’re in terrible discomfort, but know that the doctor is aware of your desperate situations, and he will get to you as quickly as he can.” Please just continue to cross your legs and hold on.”
“Well Albo, I guess I better leave you two love-birds alone. I’ve a round of golf to play this morning. Just keep crossing your legs like the nurse tells you and I’m sure it will all work out just wonderfully Mrs. Alboe. No…no…don’t get up on my account Mrs. Albo, I know my way out.”
“What a polite gal that Albo has, getting up in her condition to see me off. She had kind of an angry look in her eye tho. I hope it wasn’t something I said.”
“Ladies, I realize you’re in terrible discomfort, but know that the doctor is aware of your desperate situations, and he will get to you as quickly as he can. Please just continue to cross your legs and hold on.”
She’s a beautiful lass, and I’m thinking of asking her to lend me a hand in the global cooling cause.
“Did you hear that, Ablo, they’re going to get to you any minute now and you’re going to be a proud father!”
Mrs. Alboe, bloated like an elephant tho she is, is a beautiful Yellow Martian with long flowing yellow hair and beautiful blue eyes. She looks into my eyes with what I can only describe as a passionate expression and says,
“That’s the fourth fucking time that bitch has been out here and said the same Gork-damn thing! If she asks me to cross my legs one more fucking time, with that giddy fucking smile, I’m going to pull her teeth out one by one!”
“Albo, she’s such a kidder, your beautiful lady. But I must admit that there does seem to be a bit of a backup. Since I’ve come here it looks like the line has grown twice as long. But I’m sure that the extra doctors will be along soon.”
“What extra doctors? Since you announced the free healthcare most of the doctors have quit the profession. They’re a bit skeptical about getting paid. The poor fellow in there isn’t even a real doctor. It’s an honorary title. He’s just a professional athlete. He’s had so many children with so many different women that he’s the most knowledgeable man available when it comes to delivering babies!”
“Oh dear. But look, here comes the nurse again. Maybe it’s your turn.”
“Ladies, I realize you’re in terrible discomfort, but know that the doctor is aware of your desperate situations, and he will get to you as quickly as he can. Please just continue to cross your legs and hold on.”
“I’ll kill her!” Albo’s lady tries to get up, but he holds her down.
“She sounds like one of those recordings you get when you call the phone company.” I say,
“It’s funny you should say so. That’s what she was doing a week ago. But with this new free health care thing in place we’ve started offering one-night crash courses on nursing.” Says Albo.
“I know this isn’t the best time to ask, Albo, but with all the fornicating going on, and all of these babies being born…er…waiting to be born, who’s going to care for all of them?”
“Since you’ve announced your new free programs for this and free that for anyone and everyone, I don’t expect that that will be a problem.”
“Oh, yeah…the people like that plan eh?”
“Yes, they like it a lot. But I have a question for you Duffy. Where will you get the money to pay for it all?”
“Well from taxes of course. You worry too much Albo. Where I come from, we use taxes to pay for everything.”
“What if there isn’t enough money to pay for all of the free stuff?”
“Oh, that’s no problem. We just raise the taxes a bit more, and the problem is solved. Oh, look Albo, here comes the nurse again…maybe it’s finally your turn.”
“Ladies, I realize you’re in terrible discomfort, but know that the doctor is aware of your desperate situations, and he will get to you as quickly as he can.” Please just continue to cross your legs and hold on.”
“Well Albo, I guess I better leave you two love-birds alone. I’ve a round of golf to play this morning. Just keep crossing your legs like the nurse tells you and I’m sure it will all work out just wonderfully Mrs. Alboe. No…no…don’t get up on my account Mrs. Albo, I know my way out.”
“What a polite gal that Albo has, getting up in her condition to see me off. She had kind of an angry look in her eye tho. I hope it wasn’t something I said.”
August 16, 2014
Mars: Day 7: A day of worship
It is Sunday here on the planet Mars, and just, like on Earth, it is a day, for most, to praise their creator. The Yellow Martians are off celebrating to their most unpopular God, which gives the other Martians the opportunity to make fun of them without their knowing about it. What a heavenly thing to do. There’s nothing better than a good bit of gossip and a bit of fun-poking behind another’s back after a day of suffering through a preacher’s sermon of the opposite.
The thing I find most interesting is those of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This would be what we on Earth call atheism. I asked some of the red Martians about this the-faith-tha- isn’t phenomena because I was curious to know if their atheists were as devout in their faith in somethin-commin-from-nuthin as our own atheists. They told me that even though they can’t explain how somethin comes from nuthin, and even though it is just as unprovable that there is no God as there being a God, their devotion to their faith is as unwavering as that of the Yellow Martians to their unpopular-God. In fact, the devotion of some of the members of the the-faith-tha- isn’t is so strong that they go door-to-door recruiting new members of the congregation. They even lay in wait at airports and bombard unsuspecting Yellow Martians with little pamphlets that seem to end up in the trash receptacle or used as quant book markers in the catechism books of the Unpopular-God.
Many of the planet’s climate-change scientists, who by the way haven’t been able to solve the climate equation (though they’ve been at it for over a century), are members of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This gives their faith a lot of credibility…especially since they’ve got this funny looking fellow by the name of Gork, who wheels himself around in a solar-powered scooter (apparently he’s a bit crippled up), tellin this world that he’s the smartest man on the planet. He tells them that there is no possibility that there is a God of any kind. He hasn’t been able to tell them how he knows it for a fact, so it is still considered a faith, but his followers seem to follow his words as though they were the word of God, so I’m thinking maybe he’s the Messiah the Yellow Martians claim to be waiting for.
I’m hoping like hell that this Gork fella isn’t the Messiah that the Yellow Martians are waiting for. I’d like to think that the real Messiah can walk for Christ’s sake! Perhaps even on water if called upon to do so. Perhaps this Gork fella is just waiting to perform his first miracle after he’s built up a greater following. Maybe, since he’s the smartest man on Mars, he’ll even figure out how to make himself walk again!
Wouldn’t that be a grand way of recruiting a bunch of new members of the-faith-tha- isn’t?
Well, I must be going now. I’m hoping that my own God can hear me even though I’m a full planet away from where I last prayed. My God isn’t so special as Gork is though, what with his funny little scooter and all. He doesn’t wear any fancy suits like Gork, and truth be told he’s been abused a bit by those that claimed to love him, but I like my God just the same.
I think I’ll stick with him a bit longer…at least until this Gork fella starts to work a few miracles of his own.
The thing I find most interesting is those of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This would be what we on Earth call atheism. I asked some of the red Martians about this the-faith-tha- isn’t phenomena because I was curious to know if their atheists were as devout in their faith in somethin-commin-from-nuthin as our own atheists. They told me that even though they can’t explain how somethin comes from nuthin, and even though it is just as unprovable that there is no God as there being a God, their devotion to their faith is as unwavering as that of the Yellow Martians to their unpopular-God. In fact, the devotion of some of the members of the the-faith-tha- isn’t is so strong that they go door-to-door recruiting new members of the congregation. They even lay in wait at airports and bombard unsuspecting Yellow Martians with little pamphlets that seem to end up in the trash receptacle or used as quant book markers in the catechism books of the Unpopular-God.
Many of the planet’s climate-change scientists, who by the way haven’t been able to solve the climate equation (though they’ve been at it for over a century), are members of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This gives their faith a lot of credibility…especially since they’ve got this funny looking fellow by the name of Gork, who wheels himself around in a solar-powered scooter (apparently he’s a bit crippled up), tellin this world that he’s the smartest man on the planet. He tells them that there is no possibility that there is a God of any kind. He hasn’t been able to tell them how he knows it for a fact, so it is still considered a faith, but his followers seem to follow his words as though they were the word of God, so I’m thinking maybe he’s the Messiah the Yellow Martians claim to be waiting for.
I’m hoping like hell that this Gork fella isn’t the Messiah that the Yellow Martians are waiting for. I’d like to think that the real Messiah can walk for Christ’s sake! Perhaps even on water if called upon to do so. Perhaps this Gork fella is just waiting to perform his first miracle after he’s built up a greater following. Maybe, since he’s the smartest man on Mars, he’ll even figure out how to make himself walk again!
Wouldn’t that be a grand way of recruiting a bunch of new members of the-faith-tha- isn’t?
Well, I must be going now. I’m hoping that my own God can hear me even though I’m a full planet away from where I last prayed. My God isn’t so special as Gork is though, what with his funny little scooter and all. He doesn’t wear any fancy suits like Gork, and truth be told he’s been abused a bit by those that claimed to love him, but I like my God just the same.
I think I’ll stick with him a bit longer…at least until this Gork fella starts to work a few miracles of his own.
August 12, 2014
Mars Day 7: A day of worship
It is Sunday here on the planet Mars, and just, like on Earth, it is a day, for most, to praise their creator. The Yellow Martians are off celebrating to their most unpopular God, which gives the other Martians the opportunity to make fun of them without their knowing about it. What a heavenly thing to do. There’s nothing better than a good bit of gossip and a bit of fun-poking behind another’s back after a day of suffering through a preacher’s sermon of the opposite.
The thing I find most interesting is those of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This would be what we on Earth call atheism. I asked some of the red Martians about this the-faith-tha- isn’t phenomena because I was curious to know if their atheists were as devout in their faith in somethin-commin-from-nuthin as our own atheists. They told me that even though they can’t explain how somethin comes from nuthin, and even though it is just as unprovable that there is no God as there being a God, their devotion to their faith is as unwavering as that of the Yellow Martians to their unpopular-God. In fact, the devotion of some of the members of the the-faith-tha- isn’t is so strong that they go door-to-door recruiting new members of the congregation. They even lay in wait at airports and bombard unsuspecting Yellow Martians with little pamphlets that seem to end up in the trash receptacle or used as quant book markers in the catechism books of the Unpopular-God.
Many of the planet’s climate-change scientists, who by the way haven’t been able to solve the climate equation (though they’ve been at it for over a century), are members of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This gives their faith a lot of credibility…especially since they’ve got this funny looking fellow by the name of Gork, who wheels himself around in a solar-powered scooter (apparently he’s a bit crippled up), tellin this world that he’s the smartest man on the planet. He tells them that there is no possibility that there is a God of any kind. He hasn’t been able to tell them how he knows it for a fact, so it is still considered a faith, but his followers seem to follow his words as though they were the word of God, so I’m thinking maybe he’s the Messiah the Yellow Martians claim to be waiting for.
I’m hoping like hell that this Gork fella isn’t the Messiah that the Yellow Martians are waiting for. I’d like to think that the real Messiah can walk for Christ’s sake! Perhaps even on water if called upon to do so. Perhaps this Gork fella is just waiting to perform his first miracle after he’s built up a greater following. Maybe, since he’s the smartest man on Mars, he’ll even figure out how to make himself walk again!
Wouldn’t that be a grand way of recruiting a bunch of new members of the-faith-tha- isn’t?
Well, I must be going now. I’m hoping that my own God can hear me even though I’m a full planet away from where I last prayed. My God isn’t so special as Gork is though, what with his funny little scooter and all. He doesn’t wear any fancy suits like Gork, and truth be told he’s been abused a bit by those that claimed to love him, but I like my God just the same.
I think I’ll stick with him a bit longer…at least until this Gork fella starts to work a few miracles of his own.
The thing I find most interesting is those of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This would be what we on Earth call atheism. I asked some of the red Martians about this the-faith-tha- isn’t phenomena because I was curious to know if their atheists were as devout in their faith in somethin-commin-from-nuthin as our own atheists. They told me that even though they can’t explain how somethin comes from nuthin, and even though it is just as unprovable that there is no God as there being a God, their devotion to their faith is as unwavering as that of the Yellow Martians to their unpopular-God. In fact, the devotion of some of the members of the the-faith-tha- isn’t is so strong that they go door-to-door recruiting new members of the congregation. They even lay in wait at airports and bombard unsuspecting Yellow Martians with little pamphlets that seem to end up in the trash receptacle or used as quant book markers in the catechism books of the Unpopular-God.
Many of the planet’s climate-change scientists, who by the way haven’t been able to solve the climate equation (though they’ve been at it for over a century), are members of the-faith-tha- isn’t. This gives their faith a lot of credibility…especially since they’ve got this funny looking fellow by the name of Gork, who wheels himself around in a solar-powered scooter (apparently he’s a bit crippled up), tellin this world that he’s the smartest man on the planet. He tells them that there is no possibility that there is a God of any kind. He hasn’t been able to tell them how he knows it for a fact, so it is still considered a faith, but his followers seem to follow his words as though they were the word of God, so I’m thinking maybe he’s the Messiah the Yellow Martians claim to be waiting for.
I’m hoping like hell that this Gork fella isn’t the Messiah that the Yellow Martians are waiting for. I’d like to think that the real Messiah can walk for Christ’s sake! Perhaps even on water if called upon to do so. Perhaps this Gork fella is just waiting to perform his first miracle after he’s built up a greater following. Maybe, since he’s the smartest man on Mars, he’ll even figure out how to make himself walk again!
Wouldn’t that be a grand way of recruiting a bunch of new members of the-faith-tha- isn’t?
Well, I must be going now. I’m hoping that my own God can hear me even though I’m a full planet away from where I last prayed. My God isn’t so special as Gork is though, what with his funny little scooter and all. He doesn’t wear any fancy suits like Gork, and truth be told he’s been abused a bit by those that claimed to love him, but I like my God just the same.
I think I’ll stick with him a bit longer…at least until this Gork fella starts to work a few miracles of his own.
August 6, 2014
Mars Day 6: Free Stuff
Well, in light of the total destruction of my little igloo home (raised through no fault of my own) the good people of Mars are building me the grandest igloo of all on the planet. They've got nearly one hundred thousand of their best tradesman shaping this enormous structure out of blocks of snow and ice. It’ll be white, of course, and modeled after that famous building in Washington D.C. known as the “White House”. I promised kickbacks to all of the ranking members of society along with retirement benefits for all in this world in exchange for building this little cottage of mine. I don’t know yet where the money will come from. I've modeled the system after the Social Security System and the congressional budget in general. But I suppose both of these systems will work themselves out in the end.
Otherwise why would the greatest minds of the day allow it?
The Martian’s don’t know it yet, but I've got all kinds of things planned for them. On top of social security, I’m going to give them food and milk for all newborn children (Lord knows with all of the fornicating going on, they’ll be needing that) and welfare for anyone who cannot or does not wish to contribute to the economy any longer (this should garner me a lot of votes) and free healthcare too. And I’m going to give them tax refunds even if they can't pay any taxes and free cell phones…and…I’m gushing…my heart is bursting…with generosity.
Of course taxes will have to go up a bit to pay for all of this.
And, as I haven’t officially been elected yet, I’m still doing a bit of presuming, but with all that I’m giving them, and the fact that I don’t currently have any opposition, I will be a shoe-in. There is, though, the birther issue…that is to say that since I wasn’t born here I don’t have the legal right to be elected to sanitation commissioner let alone president…but I think with a little printing ink, and a good back-story, I should be able to get over that little bump in the road.
Well, my mind is a tornado of ideas right now and I don’t know quite where to begin. I almost need a vacation from office already and I haven’t yet accepted the nod.
So, until next time…Erin go Broke…er I mean Bragh!
Otherwise why would the greatest minds of the day allow it?
The Martian’s don’t know it yet, but I've got all kinds of things planned for them. On top of social security, I’m going to give them food and milk for all newborn children (Lord knows with all of the fornicating going on, they’ll be needing that) and welfare for anyone who cannot or does not wish to contribute to the economy any longer (this should garner me a lot of votes) and free healthcare too. And I’m going to give them tax refunds even if they can't pay any taxes and free cell phones…and…I’m gushing…my heart is bursting…with generosity.
Of course taxes will have to go up a bit to pay for all of this.
And, as I haven’t officially been elected yet, I’m still doing a bit of presuming, but with all that I’m giving them, and the fact that I don’t currently have any opposition, I will be a shoe-in. There is, though, the birther issue…that is to say that since I wasn’t born here I don’t have the legal right to be elected to sanitation commissioner let alone president…but I think with a little printing ink, and a good back-story, I should be able to get over that little bump in the road.
Well, my mind is a tornado of ideas right now and I don’t know quite where to begin. I almost need a vacation from office already and I haven’t yet accepted the nod.
So, until next time…Erin go Broke…er I mean Bragh!
Mars day 1
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