Kern Carter's Blog, page 72
November 30, 2021
Coloring Outside of the Lines
A letter to myself when motivation wanes and I feel like quitting
I Was 21. He Was 29. I Fell For Him.
I felt so safe, secure, and content that I walked right into the illusion.
A Relationship with Myself
The HK Photo Company via Unsplash.com“For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace
It has been three weeks.
That long ago, I texted them to coordinate another night out, another date. After all, it was their idea: “We should see each other before the holidays.” Well, I never heard from them. Perhaps they are busy; perhaps they didn’t mean what they suggested. What I know for certain is that I’ve been ghosted, and it felt like a hot spike pierced my heart after believing that we had a unique connection like nothing I have ever felt before. I truly believed this time it would be different. To say I’m disappointed is this year’s understatement.
I’m angry. I’m distraught. I’m so tender. I’ve waited long enough, and I’ve given them enough time to reply to a simple text.
While waiting for an answer, I began getting more and more discouraged. I’ve felt this before; it’s the feeling of hopelessness I felt while dating my ex back in 2014.
You see, this ex was an emotionally abusive person. Emotionally unintelligent, his response to my depression and anxiety was simply to ignore my text messages, to never talk with me about his feelings, and to shift blame to me. He even kicked me out of his apartment once in the middle of the night. It was -15C outside and 11 p.m. His cruelty knew no bounds.
Seven years from that disaster of a relationship, I began thinking about him again. About how much I’d love to punch him in the face. Of all the times I had to withstand his snarkiness, asshole behavior, and narcissistic tendencies; I was, in essence, his emotional punching bag. Most of the people I knew at the time in a foreign country were his friends, which didn’t help the matter, either. They all turned their back against me when he dumped me. No one cared to even call to see if I was doing well.
Contacting him online to request an apology for his abuse triggered an “I’m not responsible for your feelings but you’re responsible for my responses to your feelings” message. Reader, narcissists are lost causes. There’s no redeeming them.
I’ve moved on; actually, I moved on a long time ago. At least that’s what I told myself. Therapy, journaling, meditation, yoga, Buddhism: they’ve all been my source of strength and healing. So, when these thoughts about my ex invaded my head, I was unprepared to wage battle. I haven’t given him a thought in ages. Why was I reliving this nightmare?
Healing can come in stages, and so can grief. Little did I know that, as I waited by my phone expecting some communication (anything, really), I was slowly being triggered. Drip by drip, the growing silence woke up the monster of trauma I still carry with me, and my love interest’s lack of communication bears similarities to my ex’s. This time, however, something different happened.
This time, I noticed the trigger. Noticing the trigger took about a week, but I aptly identified the feelings for what they were. Instead of denying my feelings and trying to cope, I cried when appropriate: that was on a Monday, again on a Wednesday, and on a Thursday. By Friday, a Buddhist friend well-versed in astrology explained my Pluto was in a square trine with something else, a “dark night of the soul” kind of moment that will last for the next year at least. In addition, and to make matters worse, we’re in a Taurus-Scorpio moon eclipse series as of last week, a series that will last for the next two years. The last time we experienced this eclipse series in the Taurus-Scorpio axis, I was dating my ex. Lunar eclipses reveal our shadows so they can be identified and healed. I have no choice but to confront my trauma.
Revisiting trauma is not for the weak. On the contrary, looking at yourself deeply, without pretenses and without exaggerations, is one of the most difficult but deeply rewarding experiences you can gift yourself.
What did I do differently this time?
I emailed my therapist soon after my friend highlighted my Pluto-square-trine-in-something aspect. I booked an appointment to work on the trauma. Having a space to discuss deep-rooted traumas and fears is crucial to move forward and improve our condition. Putting in the work even when we don’t want to do it is even more important to move forward. Wishing things away doesn’t work.
I didn’t shift blame to anyone. Contrary to seven years ago, I’m more attuned now to my thoughts and feelings and how they condition my reality. As you’ve read so far, I’ve barely discussed my love prospect and their lack of communication here. Instead, I’m choosing myself over the love prospect because I’m the one I must live with.
As Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hahn once wrote, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything — anger, anxiety, or possessions — we cannot be free.”
Choose freedom. Choose yourself. The rest follows even when you, like me, fear it will not.
[image error]A Relationship with Myself was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
November 29, 2021
Misconceptions About Music Students and Challenges
Don’t get me wrong — it is fun and worth it. But pursuing your passion definitely isn’t a bed of roses.
Call For Submissions—Searching For Hope
I personally think that hope is one of the most powerful emotions. For writers, it keeps us motivated and helps us get through the times when we feel down on ourselves for not writing enough or not being where we want to be on our writing journey.
Hope can come in many forms. It can be this feeling we can’t quite identify. It’s something we know is present but can’t necessarily touch. Hope can also be very real and tangible. It can reveal itself in the form of a person, it can be present in a conversation we have or something we read.
For this writing prompt, tell us where you find hope. How does hope reveal itself in your writing or through some other personal journey?
Same rules still apply:You can submit to this or ANY of our past writing prompts. Just scroll through our previous newsletters. They’ll be marked “Call for Submissions.”If you’re already a writer for CRY, go ahead and submit.Be as creative as you want in your submissions. As long as you stick to the topic, we’ll consider it.Just because you submit doesn’t mean we’ll post. If you haven’t heard back from us in three days, consider that a pass.Please reach out if you have any questions at all. We can’t wait to read your submissions!
[image error]Call For Submissions—Searching For Hope was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Cry Your Heart Out
On the days you can’t manage to lift yourself out of bed, miracles can happen
Photo by Fahad Bin Kamal Anik on Unsplash“Cry your heart out” by adele manages to explain how I’ve felt for the past two weeks.
Drowning in a storm of my own volition.
“When will I begin to feel like me again,” sings Adele, although, it is a question I have asked myself lying in bed bawling my eyes out. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling depressed.
I simply didn’t feel like myself. My energy was very low. I felt very tired and I didn’t want to get out of bed.
My life was still continuing whether I showed up or not. I forced myself up out of bed to get to work and attend class regardless of crying on my way there, or on my way home.
I even found myself crying in the breakroom of my job. I hope no one has seen that episode on the cameras or ever decides to play it back.
I cried in the bathroom of my job from just looking in the mirror and seeing how much I looked like how I felt.
I am pretty sure I terrified my Uber driver when I randomly began wiping fervently at my leaking eyelids in the back of his car.
This period of my life is rough, but I have managed to keep going despite all the pain in my heart.
The negativity of my mind was destroying me.
The insecurities of my life all came pouring out at once. So I did what I’ve always done best. Self-isolate.
There were many late nights of me not wanting to sleep because it felt like every day I woke up, things both got and felt worse.
It is a scary period of time to not know whether the next day will get better, to not know if I would get better.
I didn't talk to anyone really.
Most might’ve thought I was just having a bad day. People don't see me often enough or pay attention nearly enough to see that it has been a bad week let alone a disastrous couple of months.
I am a young black woman in America, a child of immigrants. I must be strong.
“I got this,” is what I often say to myself.
This time it felt like I didn’t have shit.
The responsibilities of my life presently feel like more than I can handle. No one is ever happy. I never feel like enough for anyone. Someone is always asking for more. I don’t have more right now.
A person who gives and gives eventually has nothing left to give.
Here I am with nothing more to give.
Giving to everything and everyone but myself.
Although it is a new week.
I am being pulled out of my sorrow by my many supporters.
Although at this point, I am scared.
How will I assimilate into my normal? I feel so embarrassed.
I am wondering what my people will think. The words of a text message continue to echo in my mind.
“Its alright to not be alright.” Words of a friend who has known me since the second grade.
She’s right. All this time so many people have been asking me if I am okay. I have been lying to everyone. I have rarely ever seen anyone admit to not being okay.
I have not been okay for a while. That’s okay.
I have to become comfortable with not being okay. Life can not always be good and I can’t always be happy.
Here lies a lesson, a lesson in life.
[image error]Cry Your Heart Out was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
November 28, 2021
What emotional invalidation does to someone and what you can do instead
What having your feelings invalidated feels like, and what you can do about it for yourself and for others
