Kern Carter's Blog, page 15
December 17, 2022
December 16, 2022
Confession Time
Photo by Engin Akyurt: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-wearing-black-camisole-3356489/Got kicked out of yet another tech-related training program. The first one was the Zuri HNG internship. The second one is the ALX software development program.
I did not even know about the ALX one because of wedding preparations. I did not bother to check in and submit my assignments. As a result, I failed to reach the 80% cutoff mark that is needed to progress and my account on their intranet network got deactivated.
I got angry. Not at ALX, but myself. But my mind was a mess then. Why am I feeling guilty? I then remembered that ALX rejected me from the Virtual Assistant program and the one I applied to landed me an internship.
So why should I feel disappointed? Let me tell you, upskilling is difficult. You always feel that everyone is way ahead of you. But then, when you ask people how many years it took them to get to that point, you appreciate your journey.
It is a lonely world being a remote worker or an upcoming virtual assistant. I have not yet decided what type of virtual assistant I want to be. I want to be a tech sister, but I keep going back and forth in that area.
Part of this stems from childhood trauma that I am trying to heal from. There was this video that Frances Theodore, a Nigerian influencer, posted on her YouTube channel months ago.
She spoke about getting bullied for her weight and looks and how she starved herself to death, became anorexic, and developed bulimia later on. Thankfully, she is a lot better and is now a famous influencer making millions.
That reminds me of me, in a way, except without eating disorders. They bullied me for not just the way I looked but also the way I spoke and behaved. Funny, because if you ask most people, they would tell you I look exactly like my dad.
I remember doing dumb things to fit in. Despite that, people still gossiped behind my back and made fun of me. And there I was, smiling like a complete idiot whilst dining in the lion’s den.
I did a lot of things, thanks to my brain being in constant fight-or-flight mode. I had been in survival mode for so many years I did not notice. That is why I did not concentrate in school and got terrible grades. That is why it was so difficult for me to speak to others properly. I hid for so long because I did not want anyone to hurt me ever again, and even wanted to end my life several times.
Thanks to that trauma, I ended up having chronic depression, which I carried with me once I started University. I would not find peace until recently.
This past week alone made me come to appreciate myself a lot more. My husband even said to me, “Dami, you are so beautiful and intelligent. Every time we speak, I learn something new. How could anyone bully you or hurt you?” Even I can’t answer that.
[image error]Confession Time was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
December 15, 2022
What I’m Looking Forward To
Image by Suzy Hazelwood: https://www.pexels.com/photo/black-and-red-typewriter-1995842/Change is scary, but it’s inevitable. Life is all about change, and I need to accept the fact that nothing stays the same. That all good things come to an end. Eventually, I’ll get tired of pouring my heart and soul out to a world that constantly rejects sensitivity, but until then, I want to embrace what’s to come with open arms. I’m looking forward to growing and changing to better benefit myself as an established writer and, perhaps, one day, a future editor or educator.
Image by Eva Bronzini: https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-shot-of-inspiring-words-on-a-brown-paper-6956352/Like many of you, my one dream in life was to become a writer. As a kid, I always got lost in a good book, and books were always comforting escapism from dealing with the real world. I loved reading fantasy fiction books and poetry because I loved how these writers unleashed fascinating real-world issues into something so visually creative; that words can automatically create an entire world in my mind. I believe that’s what inspired 9-year-old me to create poetry and short stories. As I got older, I still wrote lots of poetry to express the harshness of growing up in an unloving household and to get rid of all the negative emotions that came out. This was something I believed I was good at, and was crushed when I was told by my family that poets don’t make money and that I should focus on something profitable. That statement crushed me. What felt like a fun outlet that I saw myself doing as a livelihood turned into a slap of realistic rejection.
Image by Timothy Paule: https://www.pexels.com/photo/be-brilliant-neon-light-2002719/I knew I wanted to take writing seriously as I got to high school, but always let the fear of the unknown hold me back from pursuing creative academic and extracurricular activities. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school English class that I truly believed I had potential and that My English teacher noticed that I had the capability of becoming great. He asked me what I planned to do for my future. I told him I had no idea and that I wanted to give up on school altogether. He looked at me and told me not to give up on writing, that I was a brilliant writer and I had it in myself to become an even more brilliant writer. Brilliant writer. Those are the two words that still stick in my mind to this day. Little did I know at 18 just how much those words would mean for my future self.
Image by Ann Poan: https://www.pexels.com/photo/workplace-with-laptop-and-opened-diary-5797903/It took some time, but I kept my dream of being a writer alive by writing book reviews for newspapers, short stories for literary journals, and poems on all kinds of different sites, all for fun. It wasn’t until late 2019 that I finally got asked to become a freelance writer for Adoption.com. My life story and my words finally had an impact. Although I wrote for a little over a year for the site, I learned how to effectively write with clarity, pitch great articles, and keep on writing to help others learn and grow within the adoption community. My writing meant something to someone else. Even writing and reading articles here on Medium has inspired me to become better and work even harder to evolve as a writer.
Image by Brett Jordan: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-wooden-scrabble-tiles-on-a-white-surface-8549950/It’s beautiful when you surround yourself with people who see the power of your words and how much you love what you do. My daughters look up to me when they see me working hard to write and feel inspired to create their own stories and other creative pursuits. I know it would be even harder to study the writing craft if it wasn’t for my husband and kids who gave me the time and space to write. I never want the writing spark inside to die, and it had me thinking about not letting other future writers stop doing the thing that sets their hearts on fire. I still have a lot to learn about being a professional writer, so I’m looking forward to studying and one day becoming an editorial assistant, an editor, or a writing teacher. I want to fully embrace my passion for writing and guide others along their writing journey too. I want to be the person my high school English teacher was to me, who sees the greatness in other aspiring writers and encourages them to embrace the brilliant writer within.
[image error]What I’m Looking Forward To was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
December 14, 2022
December 13, 2022
Using Self-Care for My Mental Health During the Holidays
And I don’t mean the consumerism ways of self-care
Image by Alexander Grey: https://unsplash.com/photos/62vi3TG5EDgThe holidays can be an amazing, and yet stressful time with trying to balance holiday visits, finding the right gifts, and trying to figure out just how to handle difficult family members. If you’re like me, the holidays can be a very emotional time and taxing on your mental health. I knew I didn’t want to deal with the added drama of extended family members over Thanksgiving, so I decided to have a small Thanksgiving with my family of 4, and it was pure bliss. Seeing us all prepare a meal together was a happy bonding moment for us that I will treasure. I also had time to take care of myself and practice some great self-care habits with journaling and meditation.
Self-care is a term that’s said a lot these days and is much needed for anyone who’s having a hard time coping with life. Looking after yourself and making sure your needs are met doesn’t have to be a complicated and selfish thing. If anything, self-care can help you with resilience and help you want to become better for those who need you most. Here are a few things that I’ve learned by applying self-care to my everyday life, and for the holiday season.
Selfcare doesn’t need to include consumerism
Image by Dan Burton: https://unsplash.com/photos/w3TwyZMlfPgI recently read an article on Psychology Today that highlighted self-care: How the Self-care Industry Might Exhausting Women. The article calls out the negative effects of consumerism by being told we need to buy all these items to feel better about ourselves. While it’s great for a short-term fix, these items don’t address the underlying issues at hand. (There are other great highlights in the article, so I recommend giving it a read).
Don’t get me wrong, I love getting new journals, pens, cozy blankets, and candles, but these products only supply a moment of pure bliss and aren’t a magical cure to getting to the root of the issue with my heightened anxiety of the holidays. I can’t simply write my issues away, light them on fire, or curl up into a ball of comfort to avoid dealing with life. I have to confront the issue head-on and let others know how I feel. This brings me to my next lesson.
2. Setting Boundaries is crucial to self-care
Image by Miguel Padrinan: https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-shot-of-keys-on-a-red-surface-2882687/This one is still tough for me to do because I’m not a person who likes confrontation. When someone says or does something to be condescending or hurts my feelings, the majority of the time, I’m so taken aback by it that I don’t say anything about the issue. I’m now starting to become comfortable with telling people how their actions or words make me feel and letting them know I’m not okay with what they’re doing.
Setting boundaries and letting people know how you feel is a huge step but a necessary part of healing. There are moments where my anxiety gets in the way and causes me to feel guilty about boundary setting, especially when the person questions my mental state, keeps on belittling me, and dismisses my request to ask them to stop. Labeling me as over-sensitive or not being able to take a joke. It’s at that point I want to “door slam” and not speak to them again. And if I have to talk to them again, I try to keep the conversation to a minimum.
Setting boundaries with family over Thanksgiving wasn’t easy, but I handled it by letting my extended family know I wanted to do things differently, but not letting them know they were the root cause of why I didn’t want to go. I’m going to try to be more vocal about their jokes and passive aggressiveness towards me, and if they can’t acknowledge how I feel, I can’t control that. I always have the option to leave early and to keep conversations with them short and brief when there are unavoidable moments.
3. Stop being a people pleaser
Image by Clement Eastwood: https://www.pexels.com/photo/pleading-man-and-arrogant-woman-against-sundown-sky-5671175/Growing up, I always felt like it was my job to keep others happy. To help out when I could and not be a burden. I didn’t want to make others feel uncomfortable or hurt anyone’s feelings, so I tried to keep the peace as much as possible, not realizing how much it would affect me as an adult. To this day, I’m still trying to stop becoming a people pleaser and thinking about what’s best for me.
Last year, the holidays were a bit hectic for me because I was trying to find everyone the perfect gift, trying to help with holiday meals, figuring out family visit times, and making sure to keep the peace during family conflicts. I was so tired I stayed in my room for a day just to get time to regroup and relax by myself. I was too stubborn to ask for help and too afraid to let others down. I felt depleted.
It’s not my job to fix everything and everyone. I don’t have to overexert myself to keep everyone satisfied because, realistically, it’s impossible to make everyone happy. It’s okay to say no to people and stick to your boundaries, especially when you feel uncomfortable. I shouldn’t care if people don’t like me once I stop trying to do everything for them when they’re more than capable of doing things for themselves. Trying my hardest to please others is only damaging to myself and isn’t very helpful in the long run. I need to take several steps back and realize I need to take time to take care of myself more than others.
Image by Madison Inouye: https://www.pexels.com/photo/self-care-isn-t-selfish-signage-2821823/I hope you readers can take away a bit of something I wrote here, and it’s not selfish to practice self-care for your mental health this holiday season. Take time for yourself, set boundaries, and stop people pleasing. Do the things that make you happy and don’t hesitate to ask for help; your mental health will always matter.
[image error]Using Self-Care for My Mental Health During the Holidays was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Call For Submissions — We’re All Crying
We’re coming up on the end of the calendar year and it’s about time for a break. This will be our last writing prompt until the new year so let’s make it a good one.
If you didn’t know, we call this publication CRY because crying is the only action that expresses every emotion. You cry when you’re happy, sad, angry, frustrated, joyful — and those emotions are all wrapped up in your stories.
For this week’s writing prompt, tell us your most emotional moment this year. What happened? Did you cry? Were you surprised? Scared? Let us know.
Same rules as always:You can submit to this or ANY of our past writing prompts. Just scroll through our previous newsletters. They’ll be marked “Call for Submissions.”If you’re already a writer for CRY, go ahead and submit.Be as creative as you want in your submissions. As long as you stick to the topic, we’ll consider it.Just because you submit doesn’t mean we’ll post. If you haven’t heard back from us in three days, consider that a pass.[image error]Call For Submissions — We’re All Crying was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
December 12, 2022
Women, Together, Are Amazing
I Watched Strangers Around a Table Share Their Lives, Their Loves and Their Overwhelming Challenges
December 9, 2022
Problem Solving at 2 AM
I thought I could figure it all out if I just pushed through and considered all the options. I was so wrong
