Jonathan Heatt's Blog: Teaching Snapping Turtles - Posts Tagged "texts"

I was cleaning my phone today (a 21st century chore), and came across several texts that I sent to misc people the past few years that made me chortle. So I figure I'd share them.

These texts were sent all hours of the day & night...and most for no sane reason at all:

-I got restless bowel syndrome.

-My farts smell like a Calcutta sewer system.

-I'm in the front yard forming like Voltron.

-Tuck those chins in soldier.

-What do you call two lesbian gymnasts going at it? Lickety splits.

-My stomach's growling like Cujo.

-Gary Coleman used to shower at Penn State.

-I need a trebuchet to get off the couch.

-My liver feels like Chuck Norris just sparred with it.

-My kidneys feel like Jet Li been using them as speedbags.

-Found the perfect hooker for you: a Syrian refugee with ringworm.

-Just made the best ribs ever. Tender as twat!

-U silly sucker, go get me my ends!

-I should produce a series of found footage pornos and title them Penisnormal Activities.

-Chevy Chase has a twin brother named Ford Follows.

-What is it called when a dude eats a sick snatch? Flu Man Chew.

-My gonads are like nomads.

-Loose stools stink ships.

-Rodents are on the loose and the world is out of mousetraps.

-I sent a 3 lb package of Kush to you. Deliver it to Purple Queefle Eater at Lyman Harbor Sept 1st or there's gonna be Bad Trouble.

-The Deal has been made and your name is on the line. Haitians w/uzis are the recipients. Dreads.

-My brain is a high-powered relic beyond disrepair that runs on fumes.

-Sharted yesterday after eating too much sweet corn. No time to be forcing a fart. Finna box up these boxers and mail them to you for posterity purposes.

[There's more gonzo texts. I'll post Part 2 next week]