Dylan Malik Orchard's Blog, page 29

Ballad of a German Shepherd

Nonsense

—

“You like Pop music? Jack Daniels? Pedigree Chum? I have in my room, come, we party…”

Helga glanced nervously towards her Pimp, a surly blonde haired brute by the name of Helmud. He’d been a shepherd, in better times, better times when they’d run through fields feeling like one being, embracing flocks of sheep in a chaotic dance that she’d hoped would never end. But then the wall came down and his heart had broken. He’d said they’d go to Crufts, he said there’d be rosettes, milk bones, glory – but they’d never made it beyond Paris and that first flourish of wealth.

‘Just enough for a ticket Helga, to London, you shall be best in show again! He only wants to stroke you…’

But there was no stroking, no belly rubs, just a leather collar and a dark room. Even now, as the Saudi Prince flipped a biscuit towards her derisively she could dream. A dream of small fences to be jumped over, poles to be avoided, the howl and growl of competition. But it was hollow now, a paradise polluted by lies. Helmud nodded and the Prince tugged at her lead.

Close your eyes, Helga, close your eyes and think of Bavaria…

Coming soon, to a brain near you

One of these days novel – POW – straight to the moon!

Just a brief update today to distract me from a brief distraction from work on my next novel (Codename: The Russian Dwarf Hamster Almanac (subject to change)). The brief distraction from the novel is either a long short story or a short novella, depending on your point of view, which I hope to have done within the next couple of weeks.

Initially it was for a magazine submission but things have a habit of spiralling out of control. And now it’s kind of gone beyond the length of most magazines, let alone their gap for short stories. It’ll either be released part by part on this site for free (!) or as a proper ebook for a low low price (99p?) depending on what it comes out as in the end.

Not much by way of details I can share at the moment but if you check back soon I’ll see if I can throw up a short sample. Gotta keep my air of mystery after all right? What I will say though is ‘Sci Fi’ – although that means nothing really does it? Such is the joy of writin’.

Ten Minute Interview

I’d kind of forgotten that I’d done this interview. After all, me talking about myself could just as easily have been done in a moment of weakness at a London bus stop waiting for a night-time double decker to carry me home as on an actual, proper website. But for once it wasn’t just the incoherent ramblings of a random nutter on the street, it was the slightly coherent ramblings of a random nutter on the internet – one who’s written a couple of books.

My belated thanks to Ten Minute Interviews for asking me to spout some profound wisdom for them and you can read the interview I did here.

Laikanist Times

Another day another obligatory plug for the splendiferous ‘Laikanist Times’ – enlightenment in novella form and still available for free here.

Laikanist Times was an odd one. Written in fits and starts through times of excess, confusion and random travelling which bordered on self abuse it came out as the apple of my eye. Not to everyone’s taste, I’ve since discovered, as is often the case at the strange and surreal end of things, but still something I’m proud of.

It’s long since broken through the 1,000 download mark, which I always thought was quite an impressive number and by now it should be closing in on 2,000 although I make a duty of not checking how well anything I’ve written is doing for fear of actually finding out. And rough and ready though it remains it’ll always have a little corner of my heart trapped in its doggy jaws. For something that came out so strange and disjointed it’s still probably the most immediate and ‘easy’ thing I’ve ever written, fuelled as it was by nothing more abstract than my own desire to sit down and flood words on to the screen.

Anyway, download it.

Towers of London

And I don’t mean the shit faux-Punk band whose leading turn made a tit of himself on Nevermind The Buzzcocks. Although ‘about as Punk as Enya’ remains one of the best put downs I’ve heard.

 

Just something I came across on Twitter – made by @thisismikehall

I shot a man yesterday…

I rarely like poetry. Too much of it, even among the pieces held up as worthy by those supposedly in the know, is far too self indulgent. Writing might have therapeutic side effects, but it still isn’t therapy. Anyway, here’s one of the exceptions…

I shot a man yesterday

And much to my surprise,

The strangest thing happened to me

I began to cry.

He was so young, so very young

And Fear was in his eyes,

He had left his home in Germany

And came to Holland to die.

And what about his Family

were they not praying for him?

Thank God they couldn’t see their son

And the man that had murdered him.

I knelt beside him

And held his hand–

I begged his forgiveness

Did he understand?

It was the War

And he was the enemy

If I hadn’t shot him

He would have shot me.

I saw he was dying

And I called him “Brother”

But he gasped out one word

And that word was “Mother.”

I shot a man yesterday

And much to surprise

A part of me died with Him

When Death came to close

His eyes.

By James Lenihan

RIGHT! Let’s write.

The honey moon is over, the bloom has gone off, the love has left and now there’s just a life time’s worth of grinding monotony to look forward to. Crashed America has been out for (just about) a month now and I’m glad to say the reception has been fairly good. Still waiting for that boat buyin’ money to come rolling in but on the plus side I haven’t been driven to the point of self-immolation as crowds of detractors cheer me on to the great beyond. So that’s definitely a plus.

Now though it’s time to get over my self-congratulatory fug and do what writers do, by which I mean writing, not drinking and complaining about other writers.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been playing with a few ideas, going over some old drafts and mulling things over in a manner that suggests, to the ignorant, that I’m not actually doing anything at all. And now decisions have been reached. From the long list of ideas I’ve got lurking around I’ve picked one to push on with and started work on the first draft of a new novel.

At this point I’m not going to say much about it, if only because it’s (probably) bad luck to start sharing before something’s actually written. What I will say though is that this new book is very, well, new. If you liked Crashed America it should work for you but the plan is to make it a big step forward in a lot of ways. Where CA was daunting for being my first complete effort for public consumption this one is daunting for being a generally bigger story. There’s a lot more world building going on and while my love of irrealist chaos hasn’t faded there’s a more grounded sensibility this time round.

That said however it’s too early for any of that to be set in stone because when you start writing you can never be entirely sure where it will take you.

Rest assured that I’ll be keeping y’all updated through the process though and when the time’s right I’ll be throwing out some sample chapters. As well as looking for some beta readers to have a look at the first readable draft.

Until there’s more though – have a song.

Cattle Cultural Appreciation

Never let it be said that I don’t try to broaden peoples horizons and open new cultural vistas…

KAMP Livestock Cattlerap Sessions 2014 – Rhett Parks from studiokamp on Vimeo.

And if that doesn’t make you want some Crashed America then you’re a soul less scumbag.

Have you heard the good news?

This week I will mostly be behaving like a half arsed Jehovah’s Witness. Expect me to knock repeatedly on your electronic door early of a morning, linger awkwardly in your doorway, shout through the letter box and harass you endlessly to read my pamphlets. Or newsletter, to be more accurate.

In general marketing makes my eyes bleed and my heart heavy because, let’s face it, I’m about as good at it as most anti-social literary types are. That said a healthy mailing list is apparently the cornerstone of success in this dog eat dog, cat eat cat and human eat horse world of writing so if you love me and you want to  let me know make sure you sign up. I’ve added a sign up form to the site (eyes left) and, though it probably goes without saying, I’m not planning to spam you to death. A few e-mails every now and then when I do something will be about the sum of it and I doubt I’d know how to illicitly share your details even if I wanted to. So there.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle…

… my novella’s free tonight. Amazon have finally caught up with my own largesse and made Laikanist Times permafree on both their US and UK sites. Same should apply to the rest of the world of course but if it doesn’t then give it a week or so and the change should filter through.

Be sure to post a review if you enjoy – they’re like crack for unknown authors and by that I mean I will stab you if you short me.

And, of course, Crashed America is still out and available.