Phoebe Fox's Blog - Posts Tagged "relationships"
About the Breakup Doctor series
I married my excellent husband relatively late, after a long search that yielded me a long and colorful dating life. In those dating years, it was my girlfriends who kept me sane, who provided perspective, who built up my courage and confidence and self-image whenever they started to flag as I—like many women—experienced nearly every relationship pitfall there is.
In 2005 I read Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You—and it quite literally changed my life. The prototype of pretty much every guy I and my girlfriends had ever dated was in there—the one who never actually asks you out; the one who’d rather drink (or get high) when he’s with you; the one who cheats; the one who comes on strong, then disappears. The “This Is What It Should Look Like” sections opened up a new idea to me—the things my friends and I were accepting as part of normal relating between men and women didn’t have to be part of our equation if we didn’t want them to be. There were good men out there; it did look different when a guy was really into you—I mean really into you—and we deserved to have it.
My dating life changed almost overnight—I didn’t even bother anymore with anything less than someone who seemed to really like me, to want to get to know me, to give me his full attention when we were together, and not play games or hide behind “fear of commitment” or “having been burned.”
In 2007 I met the man who is now my husband, and it really is as simple as Liz and Greg said—if a guy is into you, you know it. He shows you, all the time. Now that I am in a healthy and happy relationship, it’s kind of stunning to me that I and almost every woman I know, of every age, go through a period when we don’t realize this simple fact, and we explain away behavior on a man’s part that’s negligent at best, appalling at worst, with ridiculous excuses like “he’s just afraid” or “he’s been burned before.” I still pass along He’s Just Not That Into You to every woman I know who’s dating, from my teenage niece to my mom when she went back into the dating pool, because we all deserve to know our worth, and there’s no need to accept anything less than a guy who is really, really into us.
That’s what the Breakup Doctor series grew out of. I wanted to share with every woman everywhere all the wisdom and kindness and common sense in Liz and Greg's book, and I wanted to write stories. Most important, I hope that the series is as fun to read as it was for me to write. But it’s also my dear hope that women might read the books and see themselves, and begin to believe that there really is better out there than what they might have found, and that they deserve it one hundred percent.
I’m not usually much on book dedications, but I dedicate these wholeheartedly to Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt, the loving, protective older siblings that every woman should have. I dedicate them to my husband, who was so, so worth waiting—and wading—through every other relationship to find. And I dedicate it to women. Because you are beautiful, and strong, and smart, and worthy. And if you’re not quite ready to believe that yet, then until you are, along with Brook, I will believe it for you.
In 2005 I read Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You—and it quite literally changed my life. The prototype of pretty much every guy I and my girlfriends had ever dated was in there—the one who never actually asks you out; the one who’d rather drink (or get high) when he’s with you; the one who cheats; the one who comes on strong, then disappears. The “This Is What It Should Look Like” sections opened up a new idea to me—the things my friends and I were accepting as part of normal relating between men and women didn’t have to be part of our equation if we didn’t want them to be. There were good men out there; it did look different when a guy was really into you—I mean really into you—and we deserved to have it.
My dating life changed almost overnight—I didn’t even bother anymore with anything less than someone who seemed to really like me, to want to get to know me, to give me his full attention when we were together, and not play games or hide behind “fear of commitment” or “having been burned.”
In 2007 I met the man who is now my husband, and it really is as simple as Liz and Greg said—if a guy is into you, you know it. He shows you, all the time. Now that I am in a healthy and happy relationship, it’s kind of stunning to me that I and almost every woman I know, of every age, go through a period when we don’t realize this simple fact, and we explain away behavior on a man’s part that’s negligent at best, appalling at worst, with ridiculous excuses like “he’s just afraid” or “he’s been burned before.” I still pass along He’s Just Not That Into You to every woman I know who’s dating, from my teenage niece to my mom when she went back into the dating pool, because we all deserve to know our worth, and there’s no need to accept anything less than a guy who is really, really into us.
That’s what the Breakup Doctor series grew out of. I wanted to share with every woman everywhere all the wisdom and kindness and common sense in Liz and Greg's book, and I wanted to write stories. Most important, I hope that the series is as fun to read as it was for me to write. But it’s also my dear hope that women might read the books and see themselves, and begin to believe that there really is better out there than what they might have found, and that they deserve it one hundred percent.
I’m not usually much on book dedications, but I dedicate these wholeheartedly to Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt, the loving, protective older siblings that every woman should have. I dedicate them to my husband, who was so, so worth waiting—and wading—through every other relationship to find. And I dedicate it to women. Because you are beautiful, and strong, and smart, and worthy. And if you’re not quite ready to believe that yet, then until you are, along with Brook, I will believe it for you.
The Only Reason You Need to Know for Why Your Relationship Didn't Work Out
A friend of mine recently dumped a guy she was crazy about.
She made that hard decision partly because in the six months they'd been dating, she'd never gone to his house. Not once.
When she first told me this my antennae went up. "Seriously?" I said to her. "He's married. He has porn covering the walls. He operates a slave ring from his basement. He's a hoarder. I could go on."
Turns out it was none of my knee-jerk suspicions -- he and his roommates have a no-guests agreement, he finally explained when she pressed him.
Now, I used to share a very intimate railroad apartment in New York City with a friend, and we instigated no such rule, despite living in four minuscule rooms with -- and I'm not exaggerating here -- a bathroom the size of an airplane lavatory (and also located in the kitchen), with our beds about six feet apart separated only by a glass French door. In the four years we cohabited there, we managed to find ways to allow each other enough personal space to date because, you know... life. So this was another red flag for me.
Up until my friend finally called it off, she saw him twice a month -- even half a year in. "Essentially, I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy who works a mile away from me," she'd told me. "I don't get it at all: why start dating someone who is looking for a relationship when you don't have any time to devote to it?"
The answer that first popped to mind was one I didn't want to say to her: Because being unavailable is his way of letting a woman know he's not interested in a relationship. At least not with her.
Like my girlfriend, I used to think that if I was totally honest with potential dates about what I was looking for -- a committed relationship -- I'd weed out the ones who were just in it for the minute.
But there are a couple of problems with that theory. First -- and buckle up, because I'm going to make a possibly unfair blanket statement here -- sometimes men aren't paying that much attention to what you say. After all, you went out with them, right? Sure, maybe you posted something or other in your online dating profile about a long-term committed blah-blah, but you said yes. You continued to say yes.
Men and women think a bit differently: Women listen to the words; men pay attention to the actions. How many men know perfectly well that a tight-lipped "I'm fine" from a woman means anything but? And how many women have dismissed our instincts that something is wrong in a relationship because a man assures us everything is A-OK and it's all in our heads?
My friend, as I mentioned, is an extremely smart woman. If she had judged her date on his actions, then she might have decided that a man who doesn't make much time for her and doesn't want her in his private space is -- to quote the brilliant and revelatory Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt -- just not that into her. Or if he had judged her by her words, then he might have realized even before they connected online that she wanted something more than he did from the relationship.
But on the other hand... how could he know that until he went out with her?
Maybe he did think he was ready, and he wanted to see whether my friend was the right girl for him. There's every chance he simply didn't know he didn't want a relationship with her until he started to have one. In that light, maybe he was trying to be a good guy -- trying not to lead her on by letting things develop beyond what he was willing to offer.
Which of these reasons was the real one this guy kept her at such a remove? My girlfriend, I suspect, has been trying to puzzle it out even harder than I am -- and probably with just as little success. The fact is, she can't know for certain why things never moved forward with this man, even though when they were together, it felt exactly right. And I can't know either. In fact, there's only one person who can really know in this case -- and maybe not even him. She's looking for answers that in all likelihood she'll never get.
The bottom line is that you can't control any aspect of a relationship except what you put into it -- and what you are willing to accept from it. My friend wants to know why things went down the way they did, but she may never find out. What she does know is this: She didn't think her ex was at a place in his life where he was ready for a committed relationship, which is what she's looking for.
So she broke it off.
That takes guts. And it takes faith -- the faith to know that what you want is out there for you, and you deserve it. And that if you open up a space for it -- by letting go of relationships that aren't serving that goal -- you just might get it.
She made that hard decision partly because in the six months they'd been dating, she'd never gone to his house. Not once.
When she first told me this my antennae went up. "Seriously?" I said to her. "He's married. He has porn covering the walls. He operates a slave ring from his basement. He's a hoarder. I could go on."
Turns out it was none of my knee-jerk suspicions -- he and his roommates have a no-guests agreement, he finally explained when she pressed him.
Now, I used to share a very intimate railroad apartment in New York City with a friend, and we instigated no such rule, despite living in four minuscule rooms with -- and I'm not exaggerating here -- a bathroom the size of an airplane lavatory (and also located in the kitchen), with our beds about six feet apart separated only by a glass French door. In the four years we cohabited there, we managed to find ways to allow each other enough personal space to date because, you know... life. So this was another red flag for me.
Up until my friend finally called it off, she saw him twice a month -- even half a year in. "Essentially, I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy who works a mile away from me," she'd told me. "I don't get it at all: why start dating someone who is looking for a relationship when you don't have any time to devote to it?"
The answer that first popped to mind was one I didn't want to say to her: Because being unavailable is his way of letting a woman know he's not interested in a relationship. At least not with her.
Like my girlfriend, I used to think that if I was totally honest with potential dates about what I was looking for -- a committed relationship -- I'd weed out the ones who were just in it for the minute.
But there are a couple of problems with that theory. First -- and buckle up, because I'm going to make a possibly unfair blanket statement here -- sometimes men aren't paying that much attention to what you say. After all, you went out with them, right? Sure, maybe you posted something or other in your online dating profile about a long-term committed blah-blah, but you said yes. You continued to say yes.
Men and women think a bit differently: Women listen to the words; men pay attention to the actions. How many men know perfectly well that a tight-lipped "I'm fine" from a woman means anything but? And how many women have dismissed our instincts that something is wrong in a relationship because a man assures us everything is A-OK and it's all in our heads?
My friend, as I mentioned, is an extremely smart woman. If she had judged her date on his actions, then she might have decided that a man who doesn't make much time for her and doesn't want her in his private space is -- to quote the brilliant and revelatory Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt -- just not that into her. Or if he had judged her by her words, then he might have realized even before they connected online that she wanted something more than he did from the relationship.
But on the other hand... how could he know that until he went out with her?
Maybe he did think he was ready, and he wanted to see whether my friend was the right girl for him. There's every chance he simply didn't know he didn't want a relationship with her until he started to have one. In that light, maybe he was trying to be a good guy -- trying not to lead her on by letting things develop beyond what he was willing to offer.
Which of these reasons was the real one this guy kept her at such a remove? My girlfriend, I suspect, has been trying to puzzle it out even harder than I am -- and probably with just as little success. The fact is, she can't know for certain why things never moved forward with this man, even though when they were together, it felt exactly right. And I can't know either. In fact, there's only one person who can really know in this case -- and maybe not even him. She's looking for answers that in all likelihood she'll never get.
The bottom line is that you can't control any aspect of a relationship except what you put into it -- and what you are willing to accept from it. My friend wants to know why things went down the way they did, but she may never find out. What she does know is this: She didn't think her ex was at a place in his life where he was ready for a committed relationship, which is what she's looking for.
So she broke it off.
That takes guts. And it takes faith -- the faith to know that what you want is out there for you, and you deserve it. And that if you open up a space for it -- by letting go of relationships that aren't serving that goal -- you just might get it.
How Much Honesty is TOO Much?
This is the way my online dating profile began:
"Me: Painfully blunt, occasionally manic, often embarrassingly childish, driven to be a workaholic by vast stores of guilt and a fear of inadequacy. I try to be kind more often than not."
Or at least, it's how it would have begun if I were being 100 percent honest. Instead, the profile I created that eventually attracted my now-husband started off this way:
"Me: Honest, energetic, fun, often goofy, self-motivated, kind, hardworking."
The fact is, both descriptions are true -- it's just that one is the PR version of the cold, hard truth of the other. Because that's what you do in dating, right? You put your best face forward.
But one new online dating site encourages users to do just the opposite -- to present your bad qualities along with the good, without adornment -- the equivalent of showing up on a first date in yoga pants and no makeup. David Wheeler founded Settle for Love after unsuccessfully trying several other dating sites where he found many people misrepresented themselves in their profiles. Encouraging users to be "brutally honest" and requiring that they post both good and bad pictures of themselves, Wheeler's site also requires members to state what they are willing to settle for.
The site has quickly garnered lots of national media attention (like these features on Good Morning America and Cosmo)... but is it a viable way to find love?
I signed up for online dating sites three times over a period of years, each time giving up in frustration well before my three-month membership was up. The truth is, people do misrepresent themselves online. Men who'd told me they were in their early 40s showed up with 10 or 20 extra years on them ("I'm young-acting and -feeling, so it makes sense to lie," one told me). Guys who said they were divorced revealed with a mischievous-little-boy grin that they were actually only separated -- "but I'll be divorced." And, as a woman who is six feet tall, don't even get me started on the literal and metaphorical stretchings of the truth where height is concerned. (Oh, really, you're six-two and your head hits me at boob level?)
But is there such a thing as too much honesty early into the dating process? On Settle for Love, members reveal rather startlingly intimate facts about themselves -- "I'm overweight and unemployed, I can be really clingy, and I can be very annoying." While I'm a big fan of honesty, I have to admit that this presentation wouldn't exactly set my hormones flowing.
For Christmas this year I bought my husband a sous vide cooker. This is a device that basically creates a hot tub for your food, cooking meats in a water bath at low temperatures for a sustained period of time that results in a juicy, delicious steak. It really works -- we had a New York strip that came out tender as filet mignon.
The problem was, the process yields a piece of perfectly cooked meat that essentially looks like an amorphous gray chunk of flesh. It's deeply unappealing. The idea is that you finish it off with a food torch, or by pan-searing or grilling it -- it doesn't cook the meat any further, which is perfectly done after the sous vide bath. It just makes it look more palatable, so you want to take a bite and find out how it tastes.
This is kind of how I feel about Settle for Love. While I applaud the sentiment behind the site -- being open and real and vulnerable -- I do think that there's something to be said for a bit of presentation. As dating expert Donna Barnes points out, "Some of these things that [Settle for Love members are] revealing about themselves, you have to already have an affinity for somebody before you're like, 'Oh, that's cute.'"
While we all have qualities that aren't entirely attractive, first we have to be drawn enough to someone to give things a try and find out what's really on the inside.
So where's the line between charmingly genuine and off-puttingly oversharing? Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind:
• Be honest about who you are. That's not to say that you want to show all your least-attractive traits or unpack all your baggage on date one. But we are more alike as people than we are different, and often we connect at the vulnerable places.
• But put the most positive spin on your personal traits. Instead of stating that you're clingy, for instance, you might say you like a lot of affection. Like torching the sous vide steak to make it more palatable, it's just packaging.
• Phone a friend. If you have trouble presenting yourself genuinely without sounding like a complete train wreck, call a friend. Too often we're our own worst critics; an objective friend will be able to see you clearly, but with the patina of loving who you are that allows bugaboos to be cast in the best light.
My husband's online profile got a few sentences in before he gave up with, "This is harder than I thought. I'll finish it later." He never did.
I found his lack of pretense appealingly refreshing when I read it. As I got to know him I saw what this trait really meant -- he isn't a big fan of talking about himself, "sharing my hopes and dreams" as he jokes about touchy-feely talk. And like his profile, he often leaves things half-done, like when he gets out a panoply of tools to manfully tackle an issue around the house, competently fixes it... and then leaves the tools to sit out for days until I finally hurl them in aggravation back into the toolbox. If he'd spelled out those things in the profile, I might not have found them quite so charming.
And yet I wound up getting exactly what he advertised -- a man who, for better or for worse, will always be completely genuine.
And as it happened, that's exactly what I was looking for.
Follow Phoebe Fox on Twitter: www.twitter.com/phoebefoxauthor
More:
Dating, Dating Advice, Online Dating, Men, Dating Tips, Love, Love and Relationships, Love Advice, Relationships, Relationship Advice, Love & Sex
"Me: Painfully blunt, occasionally manic, often embarrassingly childish, driven to be a workaholic by vast stores of guilt and a fear of inadequacy. I try to be kind more often than not."
Or at least, it's how it would have begun if I were being 100 percent honest. Instead, the profile I created that eventually attracted my now-husband started off this way:
"Me: Honest, energetic, fun, often goofy, self-motivated, kind, hardworking."
The fact is, both descriptions are true -- it's just that one is the PR version of the cold, hard truth of the other. Because that's what you do in dating, right? You put your best face forward.
But one new online dating site encourages users to do just the opposite -- to present your bad qualities along with the good, without adornment -- the equivalent of showing up on a first date in yoga pants and no makeup. David Wheeler founded Settle for Love after unsuccessfully trying several other dating sites where he found many people misrepresented themselves in their profiles. Encouraging users to be "brutally honest" and requiring that they post both good and bad pictures of themselves, Wheeler's site also requires members to state what they are willing to settle for.
The site has quickly garnered lots of national media attention (like these features on Good Morning America and Cosmo)... but is it a viable way to find love?
I signed up for online dating sites three times over a period of years, each time giving up in frustration well before my three-month membership was up. The truth is, people do misrepresent themselves online. Men who'd told me they were in their early 40s showed up with 10 or 20 extra years on them ("I'm young-acting and -feeling, so it makes sense to lie," one told me). Guys who said they were divorced revealed with a mischievous-little-boy grin that they were actually only separated -- "but I'll be divorced." And, as a woman who is six feet tall, don't even get me started on the literal and metaphorical stretchings of the truth where height is concerned. (Oh, really, you're six-two and your head hits me at boob level?)
But is there such a thing as too much honesty early into the dating process? On Settle for Love, members reveal rather startlingly intimate facts about themselves -- "I'm overweight and unemployed, I can be really clingy, and I can be very annoying." While I'm a big fan of honesty, I have to admit that this presentation wouldn't exactly set my hormones flowing.
For Christmas this year I bought my husband a sous vide cooker. This is a device that basically creates a hot tub for your food, cooking meats in a water bath at low temperatures for a sustained period of time that results in a juicy, delicious steak. It really works -- we had a New York strip that came out tender as filet mignon.
The problem was, the process yields a piece of perfectly cooked meat that essentially looks like an amorphous gray chunk of flesh. It's deeply unappealing. The idea is that you finish it off with a food torch, or by pan-searing or grilling it -- it doesn't cook the meat any further, which is perfectly done after the sous vide bath. It just makes it look more palatable, so you want to take a bite and find out how it tastes.
This is kind of how I feel about Settle for Love. While I applaud the sentiment behind the site -- being open and real and vulnerable -- I do think that there's something to be said for a bit of presentation. As dating expert Donna Barnes points out, "Some of these things that [Settle for Love members are] revealing about themselves, you have to already have an affinity for somebody before you're like, 'Oh, that's cute.'"
While we all have qualities that aren't entirely attractive, first we have to be drawn enough to someone to give things a try and find out what's really on the inside.
So where's the line between charmingly genuine and off-puttingly oversharing? Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind:
• Be honest about who you are. That's not to say that you want to show all your least-attractive traits or unpack all your baggage on date one. But we are more alike as people than we are different, and often we connect at the vulnerable places.
• But put the most positive spin on your personal traits. Instead of stating that you're clingy, for instance, you might say you like a lot of affection. Like torching the sous vide steak to make it more palatable, it's just packaging.
• Phone a friend. If you have trouble presenting yourself genuinely without sounding like a complete train wreck, call a friend. Too often we're our own worst critics; an objective friend will be able to see you clearly, but with the patina of loving who you are that allows bugaboos to be cast in the best light.
My husband's online profile got a few sentences in before he gave up with, "This is harder than I thought. I'll finish it later." He never did.
I found his lack of pretense appealingly refreshing when I read it. As I got to know him I saw what this trait really meant -- he isn't a big fan of talking about himself, "sharing my hopes and dreams" as he jokes about touchy-feely talk. And like his profile, he often leaves things half-done, like when he gets out a panoply of tools to manfully tackle an issue around the house, competently fixes it... and then leaves the tools to sit out for days until I finally hurl them in aggravation back into the toolbox. If he'd spelled out those things in the profile, I might not have found them quite so charming.
And yet I wound up getting exactly what he advertised -- a man who, for better or for worse, will always be completely genuine.
And as it happened, that's exactly what I was looking for.
Follow Phoebe Fox on Twitter: www.twitter.com/phoebefoxauthor
More:
Dating, Dating Advice, Online Dating, Men, Dating Tips, Love, Love and Relationships, Love Advice, Relationships, Relationship Advice, Love & Sex
5 Signs Your Relationship Is in Trouble
You made it through Valentine's Day.
Maybe it was a tender, heartfelt celebration of your union with candy hearts, flowers and singing birds.
Or maybe the über-romantic holiday left you feeling unsettled, insincere, worried. Now that Cupid's wings are out of your eyes, it could be time to reassess your relationship for any of these five warning signs that your love may be on the wane.
1. You're always arguing.
This one seems self-evident, but so often, it's not. I have a friend who frequently calls me to vent about her boyfriend's latest infraction: He lied, he no-showed a date, he didn't come check on her when she was sick. They fight -- loud, screaming things that are alarming to hear -- and then everything is aces. When she and I talk about their volatile dynamic in the lucid times, my friend agrees that his behavior makes her angry, that she doesn't feel cherished and that she's exhausted from fighting. Yet they stay together.
"Why?" I ask.
"I love him."
The lowest lows often accompany the loftiest highs, and when things are good it may be hard to let go of someone with whom you share great passion and, yes, love. But despite what the Roman poet Virgil and Hallmark may want you to believe, love does not conquer all. You can love someone and still be better off without them -- and when your relationship becomes filled with friction and dissatisfaction and resentment more often than the course of true love runs smooth, you're sacrificing your peace of mind (and heart) to an unhealthy, destructive dynamic.
2. You never argue.
Conversely, too much accord might be a signal of trouble -- namely that one partner (or both) is suppressing her real feelings, or subsuming himself in his partner, or has mentally "checked out" of the relationship. No two people with unique backgrounds, mind sets, ideology, etc., can live in perfect accord at all times -- sometimes I can even have lively arguments with myself.
That doesn't mean that screaming fights should be part of your couple repertoire. Everyone argues differently; the key is to respect your partner's differing point of view, as well as their means of expressing it -- but also to take into account how they are most comfortable handling disagreements. I have an atavistic, knee-jerk fear of shouting; raised voices utterly unnerve me, leaving me too freaked out to engage as a rational adult. My husband knows that about me, and is careful not to yell, even amid a heated discussion.
In a healthy relationship, two people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, concerns and emotions -- even the difficult ones -- but can still stay cognizant of each other's feelings.
3. You're always mad.
Remember when you first started dating your boyfriend, and his habit of taking his pants off as soon as he walked in his front door and lounging around in his boxer briefs seemed like a charming quirk? If those same foibles you once found endearing now make you want to scoop out his eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon, you might have one foot out the door.
Sometimes before we're ready to admit that our feelings have changed or our relationship is no longer working, our raw nerves are trying to tell us the truth. Are you often irritated by your partner? Do you find you're quick to take offense to things he says and does? Does your temper flare up faster and easier than usual? Pay attention to those signs. It might be your primal emotions reacting to the truth of your situation before your mind is ready to accept it.
4. You're not having any fun.
And by fun, I mean sex. No, not really -- but partially. Of course, a marked change for the worse in your sex life is a red flag that something's "off," but not having fun is more global than that: lost delight in each other's company, no pleasure in conversation, a lack of mutual interests. Have you and your partner stopped sharing moments, in-jokes? Is he no longer the person you want to rush home to tell when something crazy or funny or outrageous happens in your day? Does the idea of doing things together no longer spark excitement or anticipation? Do you seek out other friends for "fun"? Or do you even disconnect entirely in your partner's company, mentally checking out?
Every couple's dynamic is different, but shared activities, experiences and humor are widely accepted to be the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Once those start to go, the clock might be ticking.
5. You're happy. Really. You are.
This is the most insidious and easy-to-miss indication that your relationship may be on shaky ground. Many relationships, especially long-term ones, can settle into a complacent comfort zone as two people grow ever more familiar.
But familiarity is not intimacy. In fact, sometimes it engenders the opposite -- when we become convinced we know everything there is to know about our partner, we can go on autopilot and stop paying attention. Intimacy is being open -- not just willing to show your own vulnerabilities, but open to the unique, separate, always changing individual your partner is. Once we think we know everything there is to know about someone, we keep them slotted into that safe, comfortable category -- and we stop growing as a couple.
If things are perfectly fine between you -- pleasant, polite, comfortable -- but something is missing, take stock. This doesn't have to be a signal that things are over -- sometimes it's a much-needed wake-up call for a couple to remember to see the other person as another person- - not just a familiar appendage taken for granted.
But whether you decide to work on things or end them, don't put it off. There are only 361 days left till next Valentine's Day.
Maybe it was a tender, heartfelt celebration of your union with candy hearts, flowers and singing birds.
Or maybe the über-romantic holiday left you feeling unsettled, insincere, worried. Now that Cupid's wings are out of your eyes, it could be time to reassess your relationship for any of these five warning signs that your love may be on the wane.
1. You're always arguing.
This one seems self-evident, but so often, it's not. I have a friend who frequently calls me to vent about her boyfriend's latest infraction: He lied, he no-showed a date, he didn't come check on her when she was sick. They fight -- loud, screaming things that are alarming to hear -- and then everything is aces. When she and I talk about their volatile dynamic in the lucid times, my friend agrees that his behavior makes her angry, that she doesn't feel cherished and that she's exhausted from fighting. Yet they stay together.
"Why?" I ask.
"I love him."
The lowest lows often accompany the loftiest highs, and when things are good it may be hard to let go of someone with whom you share great passion and, yes, love. But despite what the Roman poet Virgil and Hallmark may want you to believe, love does not conquer all. You can love someone and still be better off without them -- and when your relationship becomes filled with friction and dissatisfaction and resentment more often than the course of true love runs smooth, you're sacrificing your peace of mind (and heart) to an unhealthy, destructive dynamic.
2. You never argue.
Conversely, too much accord might be a signal of trouble -- namely that one partner (or both) is suppressing her real feelings, or subsuming himself in his partner, or has mentally "checked out" of the relationship. No two people with unique backgrounds, mind sets, ideology, etc., can live in perfect accord at all times -- sometimes I can even have lively arguments with myself.
That doesn't mean that screaming fights should be part of your couple repertoire. Everyone argues differently; the key is to respect your partner's differing point of view, as well as their means of expressing it -- but also to take into account how they are most comfortable handling disagreements. I have an atavistic, knee-jerk fear of shouting; raised voices utterly unnerve me, leaving me too freaked out to engage as a rational adult. My husband knows that about me, and is careful not to yell, even amid a heated discussion.
In a healthy relationship, two people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, concerns and emotions -- even the difficult ones -- but can still stay cognizant of each other's feelings.
3. You're always mad.
Remember when you first started dating your boyfriend, and his habit of taking his pants off as soon as he walked in his front door and lounging around in his boxer briefs seemed like a charming quirk? If those same foibles you once found endearing now make you want to scoop out his eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon, you might have one foot out the door.
Sometimes before we're ready to admit that our feelings have changed or our relationship is no longer working, our raw nerves are trying to tell us the truth. Are you often irritated by your partner? Do you find you're quick to take offense to things he says and does? Does your temper flare up faster and easier than usual? Pay attention to those signs. It might be your primal emotions reacting to the truth of your situation before your mind is ready to accept it.
4. You're not having any fun.
And by fun, I mean sex. No, not really -- but partially. Of course, a marked change for the worse in your sex life is a red flag that something's "off," but not having fun is more global than that: lost delight in each other's company, no pleasure in conversation, a lack of mutual interests. Have you and your partner stopped sharing moments, in-jokes? Is he no longer the person you want to rush home to tell when something crazy or funny or outrageous happens in your day? Does the idea of doing things together no longer spark excitement or anticipation? Do you seek out other friends for "fun"? Or do you even disconnect entirely in your partner's company, mentally checking out?
Every couple's dynamic is different, but shared activities, experiences and humor are widely accepted to be the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Once those start to go, the clock might be ticking.
5. You're happy. Really. You are.
This is the most insidious and easy-to-miss indication that your relationship may be on shaky ground. Many relationships, especially long-term ones, can settle into a complacent comfort zone as two people grow ever more familiar.
But familiarity is not intimacy. In fact, sometimes it engenders the opposite -- when we become convinced we know everything there is to know about our partner, we can go on autopilot and stop paying attention. Intimacy is being open -- not just willing to show your own vulnerabilities, but open to the unique, separate, always changing individual your partner is. Once we think we know everything there is to know about someone, we keep them slotted into that safe, comfortable category -- and we stop growing as a couple.
If things are perfectly fine between you -- pleasant, polite, comfortable -- but something is missing, take stock. This doesn't have to be a signal that things are over -- sometimes it's a much-needed wake-up call for a couple to remember to see the other person as another person- - not just a familiar appendage taken for granted.
But whether you decide to work on things or end them, don't put it off. There are only 361 days left till next Valentine's Day.
5 Ironclad Rules for Getting Through Your Breakup
A woman I know well -- we'll call her my sister -- took three years to break up with her boyfriend.
She knew it had to happen; they fought all the time, he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated and he didn't get along with her kids. But still, they put themselves through years of unnecessary pain, unwilling or unable to step away.
That's the horrific thing about breakups -- often nothing's black-and-white. When our hearts are well and truly given, they can fight hard against ending a relationship that our brains may insist isn't good for us. And even if we're not deeply in love, it can be hard to walk away from something, however imperfect, when loneliness is the other option.
If you're beginning to realize the relationship you're in is headed for a dead end, here are a few guideposts to help get you through the worst of it.
1. If the ship is sailing without you, don't jump off the dock and try to swim after it.
Has your partner checked out of the relationship? Pay attention to the subtle signs and gut feelings that tell you when that's happening -- and reevaluate your willingness to fight to hold on to someone who's clearly letting go of you. Sometimes all you have left is your dignity. Hang on to it.
2. If you know an amputation is required, chop, don't saw.
Whether your partner is instigating things or you are, if you know a breakup is imminent, don't draw it out -- end it. A relationship that's mortally wounded can either end cleanly, directly and as kindly as possible... or it can limp along, growing ever more diseased, until the festering wound threatens to destroy every good memory, along with your self-esteem and peace of mind. Either way, the diseased limb has to come off. Make it quick and let the healing start.
3. Once the Coke machine starts to tip, just get out of the way.
Repeated breaking up and making up is a sign that a relationship is in for a crash. The more times things tip out of balance, the more you chisel away at a steady foundation -- and your mental health. If the Coke machine is rocking, it's going over -- don't stand close enough to get crushed.
4. If you're a crack addict, stay away from the crack den.
There's a reason they call love a drug -- the feelings and physiological reactions love engenders in us have been proven to be almost identical to the reactions of addicts when exposed to (or in withdrawal from) their drug of choice. Once you finally break off a relationship with someone who is your Kryptonite, avoid them -- and all the places you know you'll see them, and even all the people who were part of your life with them. It doesn't have to be forever; just till you kick the habit. Luckily, unlike most addictions, the addictive draw wears off... eventually.
5. If you're out of ammunition, get out of the foxhole.
Don't expect to bounce right back after a major breakup -- even if you instigated it. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal from the pain and the anger and the disappointment of dashed hopes. (If you didn't think there was potential there, you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship in the first place, right?) Fresh off a heartbreak isn't the time to start a new relationship, make a huge lifestyle change or push yourself to "get back to normal" too quickly. You need time to retreat and reload.
Above all, be patient. There's nothing easy about a breakup -- the only way through it is through it. But when my sister finally ended her relationship, she told me she immediately felt lighter, like she'd had a pressing weight lifted off her. When you finally summon the strength to break out of the wrong relationship, you may be surprised by how liberating it can be.
Phoebe Fox is the author of the Breakup Doctor series from Henery Press; Bedside Manners, book two in the series, releases this week. You can find her at www.phoebefoxauthor.com, and have news and relationship advice delivered right to your in-box here. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
She knew it had to happen; they fought all the time, he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated and he didn't get along with her kids. But still, they put themselves through years of unnecessary pain, unwilling or unable to step away.
That's the horrific thing about breakups -- often nothing's black-and-white. When our hearts are well and truly given, they can fight hard against ending a relationship that our brains may insist isn't good for us. And even if we're not deeply in love, it can be hard to walk away from something, however imperfect, when loneliness is the other option.
If you're beginning to realize the relationship you're in is headed for a dead end, here are a few guideposts to help get you through the worst of it.
1. If the ship is sailing without you, don't jump off the dock and try to swim after it.
Has your partner checked out of the relationship? Pay attention to the subtle signs and gut feelings that tell you when that's happening -- and reevaluate your willingness to fight to hold on to someone who's clearly letting go of you. Sometimes all you have left is your dignity. Hang on to it.
2. If you know an amputation is required, chop, don't saw.
Whether your partner is instigating things or you are, if you know a breakup is imminent, don't draw it out -- end it. A relationship that's mortally wounded can either end cleanly, directly and as kindly as possible... or it can limp along, growing ever more diseased, until the festering wound threatens to destroy every good memory, along with your self-esteem and peace of mind. Either way, the diseased limb has to come off. Make it quick and let the healing start.
3. Once the Coke machine starts to tip, just get out of the way.
Repeated breaking up and making up is a sign that a relationship is in for a crash. The more times things tip out of balance, the more you chisel away at a steady foundation -- and your mental health. If the Coke machine is rocking, it's going over -- don't stand close enough to get crushed.
4. If you're a crack addict, stay away from the crack den.
There's a reason they call love a drug -- the feelings and physiological reactions love engenders in us have been proven to be almost identical to the reactions of addicts when exposed to (or in withdrawal from) their drug of choice. Once you finally break off a relationship with someone who is your Kryptonite, avoid them -- and all the places you know you'll see them, and even all the people who were part of your life with them. It doesn't have to be forever; just till you kick the habit. Luckily, unlike most addictions, the addictive draw wears off... eventually.
5. If you're out of ammunition, get out of the foxhole.
Don't expect to bounce right back after a major breakup -- even if you instigated it. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal from the pain and the anger and the disappointment of dashed hopes. (If you didn't think there was potential there, you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship in the first place, right?) Fresh off a heartbreak isn't the time to start a new relationship, make a huge lifestyle change or push yourself to "get back to normal" too quickly. You need time to retreat and reload.
Above all, be patient. There's nothing easy about a breakup -- the only way through it is through it. But when my sister finally ended her relationship, she told me she immediately felt lighter, like she'd had a pressing weight lifted off her. When you finally summon the strength to break out of the wrong relationship, you may be surprised by how liberating it can be.
Phoebe Fox is the author of the Breakup Doctor series from Henery Press; Bedside Manners, book two in the series, releases this week. You can find her at www.phoebefoxauthor.com, and have news and relationship advice delivered right to your in-box here. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
6 Relationship Deal Breakers, and How to Decide Which Ones Really Sink the Ship
The first time one of my best friends slept with a new guy she was nuts for, she said that when the lights went off and he got his junk close enough for her to get hold of, she had to stop herself from blurting, “No, thanks, I don’t smoke.” Turned out his minuscule member was a deal breaker for her—she just couldn’t handle it (pun unavoidable).
Not all deal breakers are so cut-and-dried, and often it depends on the person—not just the person you’re dating, but also how insurmountable an issue the potential deal breaker is for you. Here are six common deal breaker categories, and how to figure out whether they’re nonnegotiables in your relationship.
• Physical turn-offs: These aren’t always major issues like the above-mentioned wee willy; another friend of mine categorically ruled a guy out over his feet (she wasn’t weird about feet, just found them attractive—and his gnarly toes and peeling soles creeped her out).
I once broke up with a guy after he informed me that his family’s teeth “went south on them” and dentures were in his immediate future. Color me shallow—you have to have teeth. Is the problem something that can be fixed? (Sorry, fake teeth don’t count with me.) If not, is it something you can get over and even learn to find adorable? (Watching him take his dentures out every night and looking at his naked gums? Nope.) Two “no” answers here mean you’re probably looking at a real deal breaker.
• Major behavioral turn-offs: Is he a chintzy tipper? Does he smack-talk his exes, his friends, his family? Is his laugh like the sound souls make when they’re sucked into the bowels of hell? Does he flirt with anything with a uterus, even if you’re right next to him? Sure, you could probably address some of these issues (e.g., “Let’s just enjoy this stand-up comedian in silence”), but are you looking for a prospect or a project?
And some of these behaviors say something deeper about someone—a person who bad-mouths alleged friends behind their backs is revealing something about her loyalty and sincerity. And you can bet a guy who can’t stop bashing his ex still has some pretty strong feelings for her.
• Lifestyle turn-offs: I used to think drug use was a deal breaker for me, until I fell for a guy who enjoyed the occasional doob. I figured it was something I could live with after all—till I found the enormous tub of weed stashed in the back of his fridge. Turned out he liked to sell it even more than smoke it. For me, drug dealer = deal breaker. For some their nonnegotiable is smoking; or alcohol or drug use (or abuse…or as in my case, trafficking). For some it’s sexual habits—a woman I know was approached by her husband several years into the marriage about whether she’d consider an open relationship. Though her initial reaction was a categorical no, he persuaded her to try it, and now they happily share the love.
Only you know what you can handle and what you’ll never be able to get past. If someone is dedicated to lifestyle choices you know are firm deal breakers for you, don’t even try to overcome them; just cut your losses.
• Core traits: In my shallow youth I went out with a man so beautiful that I regularly wanted to go places where we might be photographed together, just so everyone could see this beefcake on my arm. He was also sweet, gentle, and kind—but unfortunately dumb as a bag of hair. As much as I genuinely liked him (and liked looking at him), ultimately I knew things were going nowhere, because one of my ironclad deal breakers is intelligence.
Core personality traits—humor, sincerity, ideology, energy level, introvert/extrovert, laziness, negativity, etc.—can’t really be changed. If you’re contemplating a relationship with someone whose political leanings make you stabby, consider how it will feel after ten, twenty, or fifty years. The courtship phase is when everything is seen through candy-colored glasses. Clashing core values are never going to seem more charming as time goes on.
• Cheating: This one gets a category all its own, because it’s the biggest dividing line of deal breakers. Some women (and men) can forgive, even if they don’t forget (a certain presidential candidate—or twelve—comes to mind). For others, there’s no going back (as Robin Thicke will sorrowfully tell you). This is one you can’t really know till it happens to you—but if you’re dating someone who’s in another relationship, remember the wise words of my mother: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll probably cheat on you. If you already know you’re dating someone with fidelity issues, is it really worth taking the chance that it’s a one-off?
• Abuse: Abuse of any sort—physical, emotional—is a deal breaker. It’s not always easy to get out of an abusive relationship, but if you’re in one, or are getting into one with someone who’s showing the warning signs [http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/...], get wise, get help—but get out.
Have you ever overcome a deal breaker—or tried and failed? What are your nonegotiable deal breakers?
Not all deal breakers are so cut-and-dried, and often it depends on the person—not just the person you’re dating, but also how insurmountable an issue the potential deal breaker is for you. Here are six common deal breaker categories, and how to figure out whether they’re nonnegotiables in your relationship.
• Physical turn-offs: These aren’t always major issues like the above-mentioned wee willy; another friend of mine categorically ruled a guy out over his feet (she wasn’t weird about feet, just found them attractive—and his gnarly toes and peeling soles creeped her out).
I once broke up with a guy after he informed me that his family’s teeth “went south on them” and dentures were in his immediate future. Color me shallow—you have to have teeth. Is the problem something that can be fixed? (Sorry, fake teeth don’t count with me.) If not, is it something you can get over and even learn to find adorable? (Watching him take his dentures out every night and looking at his naked gums? Nope.) Two “no” answers here mean you’re probably looking at a real deal breaker.
• Major behavioral turn-offs: Is he a chintzy tipper? Does he smack-talk his exes, his friends, his family? Is his laugh like the sound souls make when they’re sucked into the bowels of hell? Does he flirt with anything with a uterus, even if you’re right next to him? Sure, you could probably address some of these issues (e.g., “Let’s just enjoy this stand-up comedian in silence”), but are you looking for a prospect or a project?
And some of these behaviors say something deeper about someone—a person who bad-mouths alleged friends behind their backs is revealing something about her loyalty and sincerity. And you can bet a guy who can’t stop bashing his ex still has some pretty strong feelings for her.
• Lifestyle turn-offs: I used to think drug use was a deal breaker for me, until I fell for a guy who enjoyed the occasional doob. I figured it was something I could live with after all—till I found the enormous tub of weed stashed in the back of his fridge. Turned out he liked to sell it even more than smoke it. For me, drug dealer = deal breaker. For some their nonnegotiable is smoking; or alcohol or drug use (or abuse…or as in my case, trafficking). For some it’s sexual habits—a woman I know was approached by her husband several years into the marriage about whether she’d consider an open relationship. Though her initial reaction was a categorical no, he persuaded her to try it, and now they happily share the love.
Only you know what you can handle and what you’ll never be able to get past. If someone is dedicated to lifestyle choices you know are firm deal breakers for you, don’t even try to overcome them; just cut your losses.
• Core traits: In my shallow youth I went out with a man so beautiful that I regularly wanted to go places where we might be photographed together, just so everyone could see this beefcake on my arm. He was also sweet, gentle, and kind—but unfortunately dumb as a bag of hair. As much as I genuinely liked him (and liked looking at him), ultimately I knew things were going nowhere, because one of my ironclad deal breakers is intelligence.
Core personality traits—humor, sincerity, ideology, energy level, introvert/extrovert, laziness, negativity, etc.—can’t really be changed. If you’re contemplating a relationship with someone whose political leanings make you stabby, consider how it will feel after ten, twenty, or fifty years. The courtship phase is when everything is seen through candy-colored glasses. Clashing core values are never going to seem more charming as time goes on.
• Cheating: This one gets a category all its own, because it’s the biggest dividing line of deal breakers. Some women (and men) can forgive, even if they don’t forget (a certain presidential candidate—or twelve—comes to mind). For others, there’s no going back (as Robin Thicke will sorrowfully tell you). This is one you can’t really know till it happens to you—but if you’re dating someone who’s in another relationship, remember the wise words of my mother: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll probably cheat on you. If you already know you’re dating someone with fidelity issues, is it really worth taking the chance that it’s a one-off?
• Abuse: Abuse of any sort—physical, emotional—is a deal breaker. It’s not always easy to get out of an abusive relationship, but if you’re in one, or are getting into one with someone who’s showing the warning signs [http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/...], get wise, get help—but get out.
Have you ever overcome a deal breaker—or tried and failed? What are your nonegotiable deal breakers?
5 Things That Should Be Missing in the Right Relationship
Despite all you’ve heard about the essential ingredients for a good relationship, sometimes the things you leave out are as important as what you put in. (Try adding butter to your lemonade and you’ll see what I mean.) Here are five ingredients that should never turn up in a healthy relationship recipe.
1. The Pit of Despair: Ever hear the myth of Tantalus? In Greek mythology he stands for eternity in a pool of water that drains when he tries to drink, under a bough heavy with fruit that recedes when he reaches for it. Tantalus is being punished for his evil deeds by the gods, but when we stay in a relationship where we’re constantly hungering for things just out of reach, we’re punishing ourselves—with a yawning emptiness where the love we crave is missing.
You know that pit of despair—it’s the one you feel when he says he’ll call and doesn’t; when he introduces you as “his friend”; when he cancels yet another date; when he swears he’ll never cheat again. The one that sucks out your soul as you obsess over uncertainties—Does he love me? Are we together? Will he show up for me? Is he with someone else? Will he ever leave her?—or compulsively monitor his Facebook friends.
In the right relationship, that pit is filled up with the solidity of certainty—not about every little detail (when I ask my husband whether he will install a new ceiling fan over the weekend, I am far from certain it will actually get done), but about the important core things: that he loves you. He will be there for you. He is in your corner. A healthy relationship may have occasional potholes of uncertainty, but not sinkholes.
2. Sturm und Drang: Imagine coming home every day and not knowing whether your house will be filled with a flash mob; or on fire; or gone entirely. Living with constant relationship drama is like that—you never know what you will come home to, and you can’t count on the shelter, safety, and warmth you’d hoped for.
Drama is exhausting. It’s draining. It chips away at trust and comfort and reliability. Romance novels have conditioned us to believe that great passion means fireworks—in and out of the bedroom. But constant fighting and making up isn’t a sign of how deep a couple’s love runs, but how much damage they’re willing to do to it. Hate may be the opposite side of the coin from love, but when hate’s on top, the love side is facedown in the dirt.
3. Misrepresentation and Fraud: Trying to build a relationship on lies is like trying to erect a high-rise on a cracked foundation patched with chewing gum: it’s never going to hold the weight, and sooner or later that structure’s coming down. Whether it’s little lies (“No, you look fantastic in that sheath dress“) or big ones (“No, I did not have sex with that woman”), if you can’t trust your partner’s word, what’s it worth?
Small “white lies” may seem harmless enough, but they’re not. When I check on my appearance with my husband, I’m not fishing for compliments (well, not just fishing…). I’m soliciting input from the person whose feedback I value most. I know that, like a lot of women, I have a hard time being objective about my own body. But my husband, I trust, sees me clearly, and can offer me perspective, a mirror of reality held up to my rampant neuroses. If he doesn’t give me his honest opinion, my mirror is warped (and so is my reality). That’s not a license for harsh criticism—where things like “do I look fat?” are concerned, a little sugarcoating goes a long way. But we want it sprinkled over the hard, cold truth—not to hide it, just to make it more palatable.
Lies undermine our ability to trust. They are duping your partner—whether your intentions are good or not. Even if they never get found out, you’re living one reality while your clueless partner is living another. In healthy relationships, partners trust and respect each other enough to tell the truth, even when it’s hard.
4. Covert Ops: My husband knows every deeply held secret of my past—good, bad, and ugly. I don’t keep things from him—even things as small as when I splurge on shopping. I don’t have to hide half the bags in the car so I can unpack my booty when he isn’t home and lie about putting on “this old thing?” when he notices I’m wearing something unfamiliar. We’re adults, and we’re open with each other. Keeping secrets is excluding your partner from part of your life, and that kind of compartmentalization breaks up the integrity of a relationship’s foundation.
Mystery, however, can be healthy. To this day my husband is blissfully unaware of the nitty-gritty grooming processes that yield my delicately arched eyebrows, microscopic pores, hairless bikini line, and immaculately maintained toenails. He doesn’t know the true terrifying depths of my occasional insecurity and irrational neurosis. This is healthy mystery, and a certain amount of that in a relationship creates appealing glamour. As I like to think of it, it’s just part of the magic.
5. Oneness: Jerry Maguire ruined a generation of women. No one completes you—you are complete already. Waiting for your ideal someone to come along and be the other half of you, yin to your yang, and meet all your needs implies that you are only a partial person until they arrive.
Married friends of mine built their entire world around each other—they were lovers, spouses, best friends, and each other’s social network. To the rest of the world they were the perfect couple—until suddenly they announced their divorce. No one can bear that big a burden of support, and no one person can meet all our needs. With apologies to U2, two hearts will never beat as one, and if they do, one of them is dead.
What ingredient ruined your past relationships? What’s the best thing that’s missing from the one you’re in?
1. The Pit of Despair: Ever hear the myth of Tantalus? In Greek mythology he stands for eternity in a pool of water that drains when he tries to drink, under a bough heavy with fruit that recedes when he reaches for it. Tantalus is being punished for his evil deeds by the gods, but when we stay in a relationship where we’re constantly hungering for things just out of reach, we’re punishing ourselves—with a yawning emptiness where the love we crave is missing.
You know that pit of despair—it’s the one you feel when he says he’ll call and doesn’t; when he introduces you as “his friend”; when he cancels yet another date; when he swears he’ll never cheat again. The one that sucks out your soul as you obsess over uncertainties—Does he love me? Are we together? Will he show up for me? Is he with someone else? Will he ever leave her?—or compulsively monitor his Facebook friends.
In the right relationship, that pit is filled up with the solidity of certainty—not about every little detail (when I ask my husband whether he will install a new ceiling fan over the weekend, I am far from certain it will actually get done), but about the important core things: that he loves you. He will be there for you. He is in your corner. A healthy relationship may have occasional potholes of uncertainty, but not sinkholes.
2. Sturm und Drang: Imagine coming home every day and not knowing whether your house will be filled with a flash mob; or on fire; or gone entirely. Living with constant relationship drama is like that—you never know what you will come home to, and you can’t count on the shelter, safety, and warmth you’d hoped for.
Drama is exhausting. It’s draining. It chips away at trust and comfort and reliability. Romance novels have conditioned us to believe that great passion means fireworks—in and out of the bedroom. But constant fighting and making up isn’t a sign of how deep a couple’s love runs, but how much damage they’re willing to do to it. Hate may be the opposite side of the coin from love, but when hate’s on top, the love side is facedown in the dirt.
3. Misrepresentation and Fraud: Trying to build a relationship on lies is like trying to erect a high-rise on a cracked foundation patched with chewing gum: it’s never going to hold the weight, and sooner or later that structure’s coming down. Whether it’s little lies (“No, you look fantastic in that sheath dress“) or big ones (“No, I did not have sex with that woman”), if you can’t trust your partner’s word, what’s it worth?
Small “white lies” may seem harmless enough, but they’re not. When I check on my appearance with my husband, I’m not fishing for compliments (well, not just fishing…). I’m soliciting input from the person whose feedback I value most. I know that, like a lot of women, I have a hard time being objective about my own body. But my husband, I trust, sees me clearly, and can offer me perspective, a mirror of reality held up to my rampant neuroses. If he doesn’t give me his honest opinion, my mirror is warped (and so is my reality). That’s not a license for harsh criticism—where things like “do I look fat?” are concerned, a little sugarcoating goes a long way. But we want it sprinkled over the hard, cold truth—not to hide it, just to make it more palatable.
Lies undermine our ability to trust. They are duping your partner—whether your intentions are good or not. Even if they never get found out, you’re living one reality while your clueless partner is living another. In healthy relationships, partners trust and respect each other enough to tell the truth, even when it’s hard.
4. Covert Ops: My husband knows every deeply held secret of my past—good, bad, and ugly. I don’t keep things from him—even things as small as when I splurge on shopping. I don’t have to hide half the bags in the car so I can unpack my booty when he isn’t home and lie about putting on “this old thing?” when he notices I’m wearing something unfamiliar. We’re adults, and we’re open with each other. Keeping secrets is excluding your partner from part of your life, and that kind of compartmentalization breaks up the integrity of a relationship’s foundation.
Mystery, however, can be healthy. To this day my husband is blissfully unaware of the nitty-gritty grooming processes that yield my delicately arched eyebrows, microscopic pores, hairless bikini line, and immaculately maintained toenails. He doesn’t know the true terrifying depths of my occasional insecurity and irrational neurosis. This is healthy mystery, and a certain amount of that in a relationship creates appealing glamour. As I like to think of it, it’s just part of the magic.
5. Oneness: Jerry Maguire ruined a generation of women. No one completes you—you are complete already. Waiting for your ideal someone to come along and be the other half of you, yin to your yang, and meet all your needs implies that you are only a partial person until they arrive.
Married friends of mine built their entire world around each other—they were lovers, spouses, best friends, and each other’s social network. To the rest of the world they were the perfect couple—until suddenly they announced their divorce. No one can bear that big a burden of support, and no one person can meet all our needs. With apologies to U2, two hearts will never beat as one, and if they do, one of them is dead.
What ingredient ruined your past relationships? What’s the best thing that’s missing from the one you’re in?
Genius Love Advice My Mom Didn't Even Mean to Give Me
Sometimes the most impactful life lessons we learn from our parents don't make themselves known until many years into our adulthood. In honor of Mother's Day, here's some of the most valuable wisdom I gleaned about love and relationships that my mom never knew she was teaching me.
1. "Nothing good happens after 10:00 at night."
For an embarrassing number of years, 10 p.m. was my non-negotiable curfew, long after all my friends were allowed to stay out later. Mom's reasoning was that nothing going on after that hour was anything a "nice girl" like her daughter needed to be involved in.
As much as it chafed (and on the few times I was able to fabricate my whereabouts and sneak out till a scandalous midnight and beyond), in hindsight I will grudgingly admit that most of the things I was sneaking out to do were probably not the best idea for a fairly naive young teenager.
As an adult, I realize Mom's advice applies extremely well in one specific area of dating: A guy who calls you late at night to get together probably isn't looking to take you out for a milkshake and fries. Thanks to Mom, I managed to recognize a booty call when I got one, and save myself from leaping at it when I was hoping it meant something more.
2. "For God's sake, put on some lipstick."
I was a little bit of a tomboy as a preadolescent, and when I did discover makeup in my teens, I favored mostly sparkly nude Twiggy colors. I didn't wear makeup so much as make my face glittery. Without fail, as soon as I got ready to go anywhere, "You need lipstick!" was my mother's clarion call.
When I was an actor, I became so enamored of the magic of cosmetics I had to check myself so I didn't doll it up like a drag queen, but that's not why this was good advice. While I'm very happy with my face with or without cosmetic intervention, I have to admit that when I really want to rock it, nothing gives me the kind of confidence skillfully applied makeup can. I use it to feel sexy or professional or polished, to draw attention away from blemishes or under-eye circles when I've had a late night or just to give me a little oomph on days when I'm feeling sub-par.
Do I need lipstick? Not really. But there's something to be said for the confidence and power a woman gains from looking her best.
3. "You can't have a relationship before you're ready."
In elementary school I had a massive crush on a boy in my class, Raymond. Raymond asked me to "go" with him, and when I excitedly came home and told my mom, her answer was, "Go where?" Followed immediately by, "No. You're too young."
As "going with" a boy at that age meant little beyond bragging rights at school and perhaps some passed notes, and because my mother of course had no way of monitoring that, naturally I told him yes anyway, and we "went."
The next week at a party in the basement of my best friend's house, while her mom sat upstairs doing her best to tune out the shrill 12-year-olds downstairs, I caught Raymond kissing my BFF, devastating me on two counts, and resulting in some fairly extravagant histrionics on my part.
My mom was right; I wasn't ready to date (none of us were). But more important, I learned never to embark on a relationship before I was ready, whether it was turning dating into something sexual, getting serious too soon or because I was rebounding and hadn't yet recovered from heartbreak.
4. "Measure twice, cut once."
My dad died young, so we were largely raised by my mom on her own and she was exceptionally handy. This was a rule that stuck with me; careful evaluation and planning ahead of time saves you a lot of frustration on the back end.
If I'd followed this advice when I was younger, for instance, it would have let me stop and think twice before dating a man who was very recently separated from his wife, and wound up dumping me to try again with her (on our way out of town for a romantic weekend). It's what reminds me now, when I get upset at my husband, not to vent my feelings without a filter, but to take a moment before I speak and think about my words and the impact they might have on him, to calm my initial childish impulse to lash out and instead measure my words before I do irreparable damage.
Once you make the cut, you're committed. If you've done it wrong you've ruined your materials. Mom was right; it's worth stopping to measure, twice or even more, before you do something irrevocable.
5. "Life is a series of choices."
This was usually what Mom said when one of us was in trouble, as in, we chose poorly... and consequences were headed our way.
But the words echo in my head frequently as an adult: When I chose a guy who had no interest in anything long-term or even particularly committed, and two years later he broke my heart. When I finally broke up with someone I didn't love but had stayed with out of a sense of guilt and a deep affection for his daughter. When I met a man who was kind and genuine and funny and open, and chose to take a chance on jumping into a life with him after only a few months. (We're in our seventh happy year together, four of them as husband and wife.)
Most of all, Mom taught me that the most important choice is happiness. No matter what life hands us, we can decide to let hardship overwhelm us and color everything else, or we can accept the difficulty... and choose to be happy anyway. Of all Mom's lessons, this is the biggest lesson, the one that has most shaped not only my relationships but the entire course of my life: Choose happiness.
Thanks, Mom.
1. "Nothing good happens after 10:00 at night."
For an embarrassing number of years, 10 p.m. was my non-negotiable curfew, long after all my friends were allowed to stay out later. Mom's reasoning was that nothing going on after that hour was anything a "nice girl" like her daughter needed to be involved in.
As much as it chafed (and on the few times I was able to fabricate my whereabouts and sneak out till a scandalous midnight and beyond), in hindsight I will grudgingly admit that most of the things I was sneaking out to do were probably not the best idea for a fairly naive young teenager.
As an adult, I realize Mom's advice applies extremely well in one specific area of dating: A guy who calls you late at night to get together probably isn't looking to take you out for a milkshake and fries. Thanks to Mom, I managed to recognize a booty call when I got one, and save myself from leaping at it when I was hoping it meant something more.
2. "For God's sake, put on some lipstick."
I was a little bit of a tomboy as a preadolescent, and when I did discover makeup in my teens, I favored mostly sparkly nude Twiggy colors. I didn't wear makeup so much as make my face glittery. Without fail, as soon as I got ready to go anywhere, "You need lipstick!" was my mother's clarion call.
When I was an actor, I became so enamored of the magic of cosmetics I had to check myself so I didn't doll it up like a drag queen, but that's not why this was good advice. While I'm very happy with my face with or without cosmetic intervention, I have to admit that when I really want to rock it, nothing gives me the kind of confidence skillfully applied makeup can. I use it to feel sexy or professional or polished, to draw attention away from blemishes or under-eye circles when I've had a late night or just to give me a little oomph on days when I'm feeling sub-par.
Do I need lipstick? Not really. But there's something to be said for the confidence and power a woman gains from looking her best.
3. "You can't have a relationship before you're ready."
In elementary school I had a massive crush on a boy in my class, Raymond. Raymond asked me to "go" with him, and when I excitedly came home and told my mom, her answer was, "Go where?" Followed immediately by, "No. You're too young."
As "going with" a boy at that age meant little beyond bragging rights at school and perhaps some passed notes, and because my mother of course had no way of monitoring that, naturally I told him yes anyway, and we "went."
The next week at a party in the basement of my best friend's house, while her mom sat upstairs doing her best to tune out the shrill 12-year-olds downstairs, I caught Raymond kissing my BFF, devastating me on two counts, and resulting in some fairly extravagant histrionics on my part.
My mom was right; I wasn't ready to date (none of us were). But more important, I learned never to embark on a relationship before I was ready, whether it was turning dating into something sexual, getting serious too soon or because I was rebounding and hadn't yet recovered from heartbreak.
4. "Measure twice, cut once."
My dad died young, so we were largely raised by my mom on her own and she was exceptionally handy. This was a rule that stuck with me; careful evaluation and planning ahead of time saves you a lot of frustration on the back end.
If I'd followed this advice when I was younger, for instance, it would have let me stop and think twice before dating a man who was very recently separated from his wife, and wound up dumping me to try again with her (on our way out of town for a romantic weekend). It's what reminds me now, when I get upset at my husband, not to vent my feelings without a filter, but to take a moment before I speak and think about my words and the impact they might have on him, to calm my initial childish impulse to lash out and instead measure my words before I do irreparable damage.
Once you make the cut, you're committed. If you've done it wrong you've ruined your materials. Mom was right; it's worth stopping to measure, twice or even more, before you do something irrevocable.
5. "Life is a series of choices."
This was usually what Mom said when one of us was in trouble, as in, we chose poorly... and consequences were headed our way.
But the words echo in my head frequently as an adult: When I chose a guy who had no interest in anything long-term or even particularly committed, and two years later he broke my heart. When I finally broke up with someone I didn't love but had stayed with out of a sense of guilt and a deep affection for his daughter. When I met a man who was kind and genuine and funny and open, and chose to take a chance on jumping into a life with him after only a few months. (We're in our seventh happy year together, four of them as husband and wife.)
Most of all, Mom taught me that the most important choice is happiness. No matter what life hands us, we can decide to let hardship overwhelm us and color everything else, or we can accept the difficulty... and choose to be happy anyway. Of all Mom's lessons, this is the biggest lesson, the one that has most shaped not only my relationships but the entire course of my life: Choose happiness.
Thanks, Mom.
10 Times Women Say Yes When We Should Say No
In the movie Yes Man, Jim Carrey, based on the exhortations of a self-help guru, decides to say yes to absolutely everything—with predictably disastrous results. While “lean in” and “keep an open mind” can be great bits of advice in many walks of life, where relationships are concerned sometimes a bit of negativity is the more positive choice. Here are ten times the power-call answer is often a strong, uncompromising “no.”
“Want to hang out?” This question isn’t always asked outright, but it can be. More often it’s implied in casual last-minute requests to get together, nebulous offers to join a guy among a group of other friends, and late-night booty calls.
“Want to hang out?” isn’t asking someone on a date, but women often interpret it that way, because we want to believe we’re being pursued, even when it’s the most lackadaisical of courtships.
It may sound old-fashioned, but a guy who wants to see you will make plans to do it—in advance, and more formally than an amorphous offer to orbit each other’s persons.
“Can I take you out?” Whether it’s out of lust, pity, guilt, boredom, or loneliness, most women have said yes to dates with men that they knew weren’t good matches. I once wound up in a two-year relationship with one of those, my instincts overridden by my attraction to the man.
But when we finally broke up, after two painful, heartbreaking years, it was for all the reasons I’d been reluctant to go out with him in the first place: We had major lifestyle, personality, and ideological differences. If I’d paid more attention to my gut instincts at the very beginning, I could have saved myself what turned out to be two years of spinning my wheels.
If your lizard-brain impulses are telling you you’re better off not going out with someone, pay attention! It’s a lot easier to say “no” to the first date than it is after months or years of a relationship.
“Is this good enough?” This is an implicit question, rarely asked directly—but it comes up early and often in dating in how someone treats you. I once waited nearly an hour for a date to show up. Embarrassing now—although he did call around ten minutes late and say he’d overslept and would be there soon.
Overslept. For our first date.
I should have left and let him reschedule, but I didn’t—and the entire rest of our short-lived relationship was marked by this same lassitude from him.
We generally lead with the best stuff in our bag of tricks when we’re trying to impress someone. So what you get out of the starting gate is either the most someone is capable of, or they aren’t trying that hard. Either way, it tells you what you need to know to decide whether they’re worth the investment of your time and emotions.
“He hasn’t called. Should I call/text/stalk him?” The short answer here is no. No, please, I beg you.
The long answer is this: If a guy isn’t contacting you, it’s probably not because he’s shy, insecure, or waiting for you to give him the green light. Not only do you not have to chase someone who’s really into you, but it chisels away at your self-esteem to do it.
You’re also working against biology—men are hunter-gatherers. If a man wants you, he’ll go get you; he won’t take the risk you’ll slip away. If he’s willing to, he’s showing you how much he values you—which isn’t much.
According to Dr. Duana Welch, author Love, Factually: 10 Proven Steps from “I Wish” to “I Do,” [link] research reveals that although men and women have similarly high standards for a life mate, men’s standards for a hookup are pretty much baseline: “In research, men have admitted that they're open to having sex with women who are low-IQ, drunk, unconscious, and/or unattractive,” Welch explains. “So if you call a man who wasn't interested enough to call you first, he will probably say he'd like to get together. But factually speaking, it's for casual sex, not anything long-term.“
If that’s what you’re looking for you’re almost certain to succeed, but if you’re hoping for something more, why chase after it with someone who can’t be troubled to lift his phone and call you?
“Can you do that for me?” I have a friend who does absolutely everything for whatever partner is in her life—she anticipates and tends to his every need, goes over and above to make his life easier, thinking to make herself indispensable.
Invariably he doesn’t reciprocate to her level. And invariably she gets furious, hurt, and ultimately brokenhearted when the resulting tension breaks the relationship up. My friend does too much—she takes on more than she can comfortably maintain without getting overstressed and burning herself out—and without coming to resent the fact that her beaus aren’t giving the same overly attentive effort to her.
Women are notorious helpers—we’re genetically wired for caretaking. But we have to maintain sight of how much we can take on—and how much we should take on for someone else, without losing sight of ourselves. Nurturing our loved ones is a wonderful way to show them we care about them, but a candle burning at both ends and from the middle eventually leaves nothing but a used-up puddle of wax.
“Are you comfortable with this?” I know a woman whose husband suggested that they turn their marriage into an open one. Despite initial resistance, she let him make his case and tried it, and years later they both still happily embrace that lifestyle, swearing that it’s done wonders for their relationship. This woman was willing to step outside her usual comfort zone and try something that turned out to be enjoyable and beneficial for her.
But often we say yes to this question even when we know that we’re deeply, fundamentally uncomfortable with what’s being suggested—whether it’s going on vacation with his ex, base-jumping into the Amazon, or acting out every scene from 50 Shades of Gray.
Women are often raised and societally conditioned to be accommodating, pleasant, easygoing. (If we’re not, we’re labeled harpies, viragos, ball busters.) But saying yes to something our whole being shies away from for the sake of not making waves is only going to yield resentment, fear, lowered self-esteem, and possibly even worse.
Take some chances, yes. Step outside your comfort zone once in a while—that’s one of the best things about relationships: that the other person can push you and help you grow in directions you never expected. But honor your own personal boundaries, and don’t say you’re comfortable with something if you truly aren’t.
“Don’t you trust me?” This question is sometimes asked outright, but more often it’s implied in statements that push boundaries you may not be ready to cross yet, like, “We’ll just snuggle,” “I promise I’m clean,” “Just the tip.” It might be an effort to convince you to do something you aren’t comfortable with if you do have the temerity to state your discomfort, like, “Come on, just send me one little naked selfie?” Or it might be in response to your questioning, doubt, or mistrust: “I swear that was my sister—we’re just really close.”
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, it’s true—but if your gut is telling you that you shouldn’t place yours in the person you’re with, honor that primal wisdom.
“Will you marry me?” Years ago friends of mine got engaged despite frequent fighting. When the woman and I talked about their relationship issues one evening, she told me she wasn’t too worried, because if things didn’t work out it wasn’t forever.
Uh, yeah, actually. It is—or it’s supposed to be. That’s why they say “till death do us part.” Granted, a hefty chunk of marriages don’t work out, but the whole point of the institution is to approach it as a lifetime partnership, not a test drive. No relationship is sunshine and roses 24/7, but if you aren’t 100 percent certain that this is the person you want beside you come rain or come shine, don’t say yes to a proposal, no matter how long you’ve been together, or how romantic the moment.
“Can’t we try again?” This one is on a case-by-case basis, but most often the right answer here is no. There’s a reason you broke up in the first place—whether it was one party’s transgression, fundamental differences, or simple disinterest. But if your relationship went awry enough that one or both of you was willing to end it, chances are they won’t be magically fixed by starting things up again. In the wise words of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.
Remember the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Unless whatever element of the relationship that broke you up in the first place has been identified, addressed, and dealt with, then you’re just doing what a friend of mine calls “tipping the Coke machine”—once it gets rocking, sooner or later that sucker’s going over.
“Is everything okay?” “I’m fine” is my mantra. It should be blazoned on my forehead, monogrammed on my towels, etched into the foam of my cappuccino. It’s my answer whether I am, in fact, fine or not. And I’m not alone in that—ask most men their biggest pet peeve with women, and it’s usually this: that we say everything is okay when it isn’t. Acting as if it is doesn’t solve the problem or make us feel any better—in fact, it does just the opposite, making us feel worse and worse, unheard and unexpressed, until we blow like a powder keg.
Stating what’s bothering us doesn’t make us “high-maintenance” or naggy or shrewish. It relieves the pressure of suppressed feelings, and it honors your partner by trusting that he will hear it and not run away.
But that doesn’t mean you have a license to vomit up a litany of your partner’s wrongdoings—we can respect our own feelings and still respect someone else’s.
#
In the right context, “No” can be every bit as powerful as yes—and not always a negative answer. When have you said yes that you wish you’d said no? What made you do it? Did you realize it at the time?
“Want to hang out?” This question isn’t always asked outright, but it can be. More often it’s implied in casual last-minute requests to get together, nebulous offers to join a guy among a group of other friends, and late-night booty calls.
“Want to hang out?” isn’t asking someone on a date, but women often interpret it that way, because we want to believe we’re being pursued, even when it’s the most lackadaisical of courtships.
It may sound old-fashioned, but a guy who wants to see you will make plans to do it—in advance, and more formally than an amorphous offer to orbit each other’s persons.
“Can I take you out?” Whether it’s out of lust, pity, guilt, boredom, or loneliness, most women have said yes to dates with men that they knew weren’t good matches. I once wound up in a two-year relationship with one of those, my instincts overridden by my attraction to the man.
But when we finally broke up, after two painful, heartbreaking years, it was for all the reasons I’d been reluctant to go out with him in the first place: We had major lifestyle, personality, and ideological differences. If I’d paid more attention to my gut instincts at the very beginning, I could have saved myself what turned out to be two years of spinning my wheels.
If your lizard-brain impulses are telling you you’re better off not going out with someone, pay attention! It’s a lot easier to say “no” to the first date than it is after months or years of a relationship.
“Is this good enough?” This is an implicit question, rarely asked directly—but it comes up early and often in dating in how someone treats you. I once waited nearly an hour for a date to show up. Embarrassing now—although he did call around ten minutes late and say he’d overslept and would be there soon.
Overslept. For our first date.
I should have left and let him reschedule, but I didn’t—and the entire rest of our short-lived relationship was marked by this same lassitude from him.
We generally lead with the best stuff in our bag of tricks when we’re trying to impress someone. So what you get out of the starting gate is either the most someone is capable of, or they aren’t trying that hard. Either way, it tells you what you need to know to decide whether they’re worth the investment of your time and emotions.
“He hasn’t called. Should I call/text/stalk him?” The short answer here is no. No, please, I beg you.
The long answer is this: If a guy isn’t contacting you, it’s probably not because he’s shy, insecure, or waiting for you to give him the green light. Not only do you not have to chase someone who’s really into you, but it chisels away at your self-esteem to do it.
You’re also working against biology—men are hunter-gatherers. If a man wants you, he’ll go get you; he won’t take the risk you’ll slip away. If he’s willing to, he’s showing you how much he values you—which isn’t much.
According to Dr. Duana Welch, author Love, Factually: 10 Proven Steps from “I Wish” to “I Do,” [link] research reveals that although men and women have similarly high standards for a life mate, men’s standards for a hookup are pretty much baseline: “In research, men have admitted that they're open to having sex with women who are low-IQ, drunk, unconscious, and/or unattractive,” Welch explains. “So if you call a man who wasn't interested enough to call you first, he will probably say he'd like to get together. But factually speaking, it's for casual sex, not anything long-term.“
If that’s what you’re looking for you’re almost certain to succeed, but if you’re hoping for something more, why chase after it with someone who can’t be troubled to lift his phone and call you?
“Can you do that for me?” I have a friend who does absolutely everything for whatever partner is in her life—she anticipates and tends to his every need, goes over and above to make his life easier, thinking to make herself indispensable.
Invariably he doesn’t reciprocate to her level. And invariably she gets furious, hurt, and ultimately brokenhearted when the resulting tension breaks the relationship up. My friend does too much—she takes on more than she can comfortably maintain without getting overstressed and burning herself out—and without coming to resent the fact that her beaus aren’t giving the same overly attentive effort to her.
Women are notorious helpers—we’re genetically wired for caretaking. But we have to maintain sight of how much we can take on—and how much we should take on for someone else, without losing sight of ourselves. Nurturing our loved ones is a wonderful way to show them we care about them, but a candle burning at both ends and from the middle eventually leaves nothing but a used-up puddle of wax.
“Are you comfortable with this?” I know a woman whose husband suggested that they turn their marriage into an open one. Despite initial resistance, she let him make his case and tried it, and years later they both still happily embrace that lifestyle, swearing that it’s done wonders for their relationship. This woman was willing to step outside her usual comfort zone and try something that turned out to be enjoyable and beneficial for her.
But often we say yes to this question even when we know that we’re deeply, fundamentally uncomfortable with what’s being suggested—whether it’s going on vacation with his ex, base-jumping into the Amazon, or acting out every scene from 50 Shades of Gray.
Women are often raised and societally conditioned to be accommodating, pleasant, easygoing. (If we’re not, we’re labeled harpies, viragos, ball busters.) But saying yes to something our whole being shies away from for the sake of not making waves is only going to yield resentment, fear, lowered self-esteem, and possibly even worse.
Take some chances, yes. Step outside your comfort zone once in a while—that’s one of the best things about relationships: that the other person can push you and help you grow in directions you never expected. But honor your own personal boundaries, and don’t say you’re comfortable with something if you truly aren’t.
“Don’t you trust me?” This question is sometimes asked outright, but more often it’s implied in statements that push boundaries you may not be ready to cross yet, like, “We’ll just snuggle,” “I promise I’m clean,” “Just the tip.” It might be an effort to convince you to do something you aren’t comfortable with if you do have the temerity to state your discomfort, like, “Come on, just send me one little naked selfie?” Or it might be in response to your questioning, doubt, or mistrust: “I swear that was my sister—we’re just really close.”
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, it’s true—but if your gut is telling you that you shouldn’t place yours in the person you’re with, honor that primal wisdom.
“Will you marry me?” Years ago friends of mine got engaged despite frequent fighting. When the woman and I talked about their relationship issues one evening, she told me she wasn’t too worried, because if things didn’t work out it wasn’t forever.
Uh, yeah, actually. It is—or it’s supposed to be. That’s why they say “till death do us part.” Granted, a hefty chunk of marriages don’t work out, but the whole point of the institution is to approach it as a lifetime partnership, not a test drive. No relationship is sunshine and roses 24/7, but if you aren’t 100 percent certain that this is the person you want beside you come rain or come shine, don’t say yes to a proposal, no matter how long you’ve been together, or how romantic the moment.
“Can’t we try again?” This one is on a case-by-case basis, but most often the right answer here is no. There’s a reason you broke up in the first place—whether it was one party’s transgression, fundamental differences, or simple disinterest. But if your relationship went awry enough that one or both of you was willing to end it, chances are they won’t be magically fixed by starting things up again. In the wise words of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.
Remember the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Unless whatever element of the relationship that broke you up in the first place has been identified, addressed, and dealt with, then you’re just doing what a friend of mine calls “tipping the Coke machine”—once it gets rocking, sooner or later that sucker’s going over.
“Is everything okay?” “I’m fine” is my mantra. It should be blazoned on my forehead, monogrammed on my towels, etched into the foam of my cappuccino. It’s my answer whether I am, in fact, fine or not. And I’m not alone in that—ask most men their biggest pet peeve with women, and it’s usually this: that we say everything is okay when it isn’t. Acting as if it is doesn’t solve the problem or make us feel any better—in fact, it does just the opposite, making us feel worse and worse, unheard and unexpressed, until we blow like a powder keg.
Stating what’s bothering us doesn’t make us “high-maintenance” or naggy or shrewish. It relieves the pressure of suppressed feelings, and it honors your partner by trusting that he will hear it and not run away.
But that doesn’t mean you have a license to vomit up a litany of your partner’s wrongdoings—we can respect our own feelings and still respect someone else’s.
#
In the right context, “No” can be every bit as powerful as yes—and not always a negative answer. When have you said yes that you wish you’d said no? What made you do it? Did you realize it at the time?
6 Times Women Say No When We Should Say Yes
1. "Do we really have to label this?"
This question is often asked in a way that makes us feel as if we're needy or clingy for wanting to define a relationship. Even early in, a woman (or a man) has a right to know what the other person is intending; are you dating, with an eye to a possible future? Is it friends with benefits? Just sex?
Often men pose this question when they are very much enjoying having sex with you, but aren't interested in anything beyond that. And unless you're into the no-strings-attached approach (and if you are, proudly fly that flag), the answer is yes, you do have to label it. Not because women are "crazy" or "needy" or "desperate," but because we value ourselves and want to be with someone who also values us. Not just someone who thinks we're good enough to hang out or hook up with; of course we're good enough for that, we're sexy and awesome, but someone who enjoys our mind, our company, who is interested in things about us that occur above our torso. Someone who offers us more than his penis, and wants more from us than a place to put it.
"Labeling" doesn't mean you're asking someone to state his long-term intentions for the two of you on the first date. It means you want to know whether you're on the same page, and you have a right to know that from date one. But it doesn't have to be an overt statement. Men make their intentions clearly known in how they treat you; a guy who sets up a date and takes you out to dinner, to see a show, hiking, etc., is sending a very different message about his feelings for you and his intentions than when he texts you at nine on a Friday to see if you want to come hang out at his place after work. Our job is to know what we want, see what we're being offered and give out a tacit yes or no in how we respond.
So "do we really have to label this?" Yes. If you know your own mind, what you're looking for and how you want to be treated, we do.
2. "Can I do that for you?"
My husband is always offering to carry my luggage when he takes me to the airport. He takes heavy packages from my hands, and invariably meets me at the car when I come home from grocery shopping to carry in the bags. I lived alone for a long time, with my own house and no one else to rely on for these tasks. I learned to be self sufficient, and I'm proud of that, so much so that when we first got together I'd wave him off: "I've got it." I was so concerned with showing him that I could do things for myself, that I was strong and independent and not helpless, that I completely overlooked the fact that he gets pleasure from helping me, not because he thinks I can't do things on my own, but because he feels it makes my life nicer if I don't have to. It's one of the everyday, non-overtly-romantic ways he shows me that he loves me.
Sometimes this can be perceived as a feminist gray area. Women have fought hard for the right to do for ourselves. But letting a man lift weight off our shoulders isn't compromising that; it's simply allowing a fellow human being to make our lives easier. More important, it's letting someone show you that he cares about you, to feel he's of value to you.
Most men don't hold the door for us because they think we can't handle the task. It's a sign of respect. If you're lucky enough to find a secure man to offer that, why not accept it?
3. "Do you mind?"
This question can be a genuine, polite query as to whether you're OK with a certain behavior or action, or it can be a wheedling passive-aggressive way to push the line of what a woman will accept. And it can apply anywhere, at home, at work, on a date:
"I'm going to meet the guys for golf again this weekend while you take care of the kids; do you mind?"
"Do you mind grabbing me a cup of coffee/finishing this project for me/working overtime or taking on more work?"
"Mind if I come inside?" at the end of a date, or, as happened to me on one lunch date literally four times, "Mind if I take this call? It's business."
It's almost an autonomic response to agreeably reply, "Of course not." But take a moment to consider whether you in fact do mind whatever's being asked of you, and be honest. As I finally did on my lunch date's fifth "excuse me" to answer his cell phone... at which point I got up and left.
4. "Why don't I treat?"
There are times when it's important to pick up at least your part of the tab: if you want to send the message that this isn't a date, if you don't intend to go out with a guy again, if you're meeting for the first time. And equitable sharing of the dating bills can be a lovely thing, but if a man insists that he'd like to pick up the tab, why not let him? Whether we want to believe in the idea of genetic programming or not, the truth is that men are hard-wired as providers.
I'm a feminist to my core, but it doesn't compromise our independence, competence or autonomy to let a man treat us. And as with insisting on getting our own doors, fighting too hard to pay our half robs a man of the pleasure of providing for a woman he is interested in or cares about.
But here's a nonnegotiable: That doesn't obligate us to anything, in any way, whether a man thinks it does or not.
5. "Want to try this?"
Maybe it's something as innocuous as a bite of his pigeon ravioli at a gastropub; maybe it's spreading yourselves with Crisco, slapping on a diaper and heading to a key party. Only you know what's way out of your comfort zone, but one of the wonderful things about a relationship is that it helps us stretch and grow. Unless you recoil from something on a truly elemental, constitutional level, why not try something new?
6. "Are you going to finish that?"
I have a girlfriend who literally allows herself six jellybeans at one sitting. Six. She counts those suckers out.
Too often women deny themselves, whether out of fear of gaining weight, or losing control, or appearing unfeminine or just making a pig of ourselves. (Trust me, you do not want to see me eat a Fat Queen pizza at the famous Pieous in Austin, Texas; it's like a school of piranha on a side of beef.) "Oh, no, no," we demur. "I couldn’t possibly."
But by always monitoring what we eat, we take the pleasure out of one of life's great aesthetic joys, good food. And the truth is, there's nothing unsexy about enjoying our food; frankly a lot of guys appreciate a girl who's comfortable with her body and enjoys eating. (Perhaps they are simply drawing their own lascivious conclusions from watching us tear voraciously into a meal, but that's no concern of ours.) Don't be ashamed of having a healthy appetite, and don't feel you have to order a salad or nibble daintily at your food. Eat it, girl! "Yes, I'm going to eat all of this (and no, you can't have my fries)."
For the flip side of this coin, read "10 Times Women Say Yes When They Should Say No" on HuffingtonPost.
This question is often asked in a way that makes us feel as if we're needy or clingy for wanting to define a relationship. Even early in, a woman (or a man) has a right to know what the other person is intending; are you dating, with an eye to a possible future? Is it friends with benefits? Just sex?
Often men pose this question when they are very much enjoying having sex with you, but aren't interested in anything beyond that. And unless you're into the no-strings-attached approach (and if you are, proudly fly that flag), the answer is yes, you do have to label it. Not because women are "crazy" or "needy" or "desperate," but because we value ourselves and want to be with someone who also values us. Not just someone who thinks we're good enough to hang out or hook up with; of course we're good enough for that, we're sexy and awesome, but someone who enjoys our mind, our company, who is interested in things about us that occur above our torso. Someone who offers us more than his penis, and wants more from us than a place to put it.
"Labeling" doesn't mean you're asking someone to state his long-term intentions for the two of you on the first date. It means you want to know whether you're on the same page, and you have a right to know that from date one. But it doesn't have to be an overt statement. Men make their intentions clearly known in how they treat you; a guy who sets up a date and takes you out to dinner, to see a show, hiking, etc., is sending a very different message about his feelings for you and his intentions than when he texts you at nine on a Friday to see if you want to come hang out at his place after work. Our job is to know what we want, see what we're being offered and give out a tacit yes or no in how we respond.
So "do we really have to label this?" Yes. If you know your own mind, what you're looking for and how you want to be treated, we do.
2. "Can I do that for you?"
My husband is always offering to carry my luggage when he takes me to the airport. He takes heavy packages from my hands, and invariably meets me at the car when I come home from grocery shopping to carry in the bags. I lived alone for a long time, with my own house and no one else to rely on for these tasks. I learned to be self sufficient, and I'm proud of that, so much so that when we first got together I'd wave him off: "I've got it." I was so concerned with showing him that I could do things for myself, that I was strong and independent and not helpless, that I completely overlooked the fact that he gets pleasure from helping me, not because he thinks I can't do things on my own, but because he feels it makes my life nicer if I don't have to. It's one of the everyday, non-overtly-romantic ways he shows me that he loves me.
Sometimes this can be perceived as a feminist gray area. Women have fought hard for the right to do for ourselves. But letting a man lift weight off our shoulders isn't compromising that; it's simply allowing a fellow human being to make our lives easier. More important, it's letting someone show you that he cares about you, to feel he's of value to you.
Most men don't hold the door for us because they think we can't handle the task. It's a sign of respect. If you're lucky enough to find a secure man to offer that, why not accept it?
3. "Do you mind?"
This question can be a genuine, polite query as to whether you're OK with a certain behavior or action, or it can be a wheedling passive-aggressive way to push the line of what a woman will accept. And it can apply anywhere, at home, at work, on a date:
"I'm going to meet the guys for golf again this weekend while you take care of the kids; do you mind?"
"Do you mind grabbing me a cup of coffee/finishing this project for me/working overtime or taking on more work?"
"Mind if I come inside?" at the end of a date, or, as happened to me on one lunch date literally four times, "Mind if I take this call? It's business."
It's almost an autonomic response to agreeably reply, "Of course not." But take a moment to consider whether you in fact do mind whatever's being asked of you, and be honest. As I finally did on my lunch date's fifth "excuse me" to answer his cell phone... at which point I got up and left.
4. "Why don't I treat?"
There are times when it's important to pick up at least your part of the tab: if you want to send the message that this isn't a date, if you don't intend to go out with a guy again, if you're meeting for the first time. And equitable sharing of the dating bills can be a lovely thing, but if a man insists that he'd like to pick up the tab, why not let him? Whether we want to believe in the idea of genetic programming or not, the truth is that men are hard-wired as providers.
I'm a feminist to my core, but it doesn't compromise our independence, competence or autonomy to let a man treat us. And as with insisting on getting our own doors, fighting too hard to pay our half robs a man of the pleasure of providing for a woman he is interested in or cares about.
But here's a nonnegotiable: That doesn't obligate us to anything, in any way, whether a man thinks it does or not.
5. "Want to try this?"
Maybe it's something as innocuous as a bite of his pigeon ravioli at a gastropub; maybe it's spreading yourselves with Crisco, slapping on a diaper and heading to a key party. Only you know what's way out of your comfort zone, but one of the wonderful things about a relationship is that it helps us stretch and grow. Unless you recoil from something on a truly elemental, constitutional level, why not try something new?
6. "Are you going to finish that?"
I have a girlfriend who literally allows herself six jellybeans at one sitting. Six. She counts those suckers out.
Too often women deny themselves, whether out of fear of gaining weight, or losing control, or appearing unfeminine or just making a pig of ourselves. (Trust me, you do not want to see me eat a Fat Queen pizza at the famous Pieous in Austin, Texas; it's like a school of piranha on a side of beef.) "Oh, no, no," we demur. "I couldn’t possibly."
But by always monitoring what we eat, we take the pleasure out of one of life's great aesthetic joys, good food. And the truth is, there's nothing unsexy about enjoying our food; frankly a lot of guys appreciate a girl who's comfortable with her body and enjoys eating. (Perhaps they are simply drawing their own lascivious conclusions from watching us tear voraciously into a meal, but that's no concern of ours.) Don't be ashamed of having a healthy appetite, and don't feel you have to order a salad or nibble daintily at your food. Eat it, girl! "Yes, I'm going to eat all of this (and no, you can't have my fries)."
For the flip side of this coin, read "10 Times Women Say Yes When They Should Say No" on HuffingtonPost.
