Caroline Allen's Blog - Posts Tagged "depression"
5 Easy Steps to Move from Anxiety to Creativity
Years ago, a journalist friend in Seattle came over to my apartment. She’d just returned from Afghanistan, where she was responsible for setting up a newsroom and training local journalists. When she arrived, she was so exhausted and drained to her very core, she could barely walk or talk.
I knew the feeling. I’d given up journalism a few years earlier because it had sucked me dry, too. And by going to Afghanistan, she’d experienced an intensity I could only imagine.
She went immediately to the sofa and lay prone, barely able to lift her arms or sit up.
I’m an empath. It is my natural tendency to want to help. I’m psychic, and it’s my natural tendency to go for the core solution. I knew somewhere deep down, like me, that Lisa was an artist.
I grabbed a long narrow canvas from the corner — my apartment was also my art studio — and placed it on the floor next to the sofa. I found a squirt bottle full of paint, and put it in her hand.
“What are you doing?” she said, barely opening her mouth to speak.
“Just squirt on the canvas,” I said.
“What?”
“It’ll make you feel better. Just squirt some paint.”
Without sitting up or changing position, she tipped the bottle and drew lazy lines on the canvas. Without moving, she painted.
Years later, she would become the visual artist she was meant to be.
My friend’s trauma reminded me of the kind of incapacitating grief, anxiety and depression that I went through years earlier. And it reminds me of the anxiety and grief many people are going through today because of the global pandemic, forest fires, race and gender inequities, death of loved ones…
I write about the dark night of the soul and the creative recovery I experienced in the 1990s in my recently released novel,Water.
* * *
When I awaken midmorning, the “fever” has broken. My bones are jelly; I’m cleaned out. I lie there in nothingness—no money, no family, no friends, no job. It is just me. I cross my hands over my naked heart. All I have is myself. All I have is my integrity.
Integrity is the word that remains with me. I struggle aboard it like a life raft. I promise myself I’ll hold onto integrity for the rest of my life, the only thing that floats in a sea of chaos.
I get up. In the junk drawer in the kitchen, I find the Post-it notes and a pen. Back on the edge of the futon, I write “Get out of bed every day” on a pink Post-it and place it on the window where I can see it.
“Make the bed every day,” I write on a lemon note. This too goes on the window.
“Brush your hair every day.” I take the few steps to the bathroom and place the lime note on the doorframe. My thick black hair is difficult at the best of times but now is hard, matted, and tangled.
I sit back down, tired. “Brush your teeth every day.” I put this sapphire square also on the bathroom doorframe.
“Did you shower today?” Orange, bathroom doorframe.
“Change your clothes.” Violet and on the closet door in the living room, which is also my bedroom.
A long, narrow hallway leads back to a small kitchen. I place at intervals along the hallway:
“Eat every day.”
“Did you have breakfast?”
“Did you eat enough today?”
“What food have you put into your mouth today?”
I pepper other multihued Post-its throughout the tiny apartment. “Clean the kitchen.” “Sweep the floor.” “Do laundry.”
I lie back on the futon. I cannot move for an hour. Finally, I reach over and grab a stack of Post-its, write “Get out of bed” again. On ten more Post-its I write “Get out of bed.” Still lying down, I reach to place them on nearby surfaces: bed frame, wall, side table, hardwood. I understand that this decision to live will take more than just an idea. I know that living will require concerted participation.
Later I wake up from a dream where I’m told to add one more note: “Drink water. Lots of water.” I write it on a powder-blue Post-it and put it on the fridge.
I look around. My home has become a rainbow of messages willing me to survive.
* * *
Even when you don’t feel like it, even when everything is falling apart around you, even if you take just the smallest steps, you can move from depression to creative recovery. Here are five super simple tips:
1. Start small. Not just small, but tiny. Do one tiny thing. Write one sentence in a journal. One word. Start on the sofa. Start in bed. You don’t even need to get up. Or take a notebook and ballpoint and doodle. Draw spirals. Don’t even write a word or draw a picture, just move the pen. Any movement is progress and will lead to more movement.
2. Look through an art book. Read short stories. You can do this from your bed or the sofa if you need to. In your mind, explore what you like in certain paintings and stories and ask yourself why. This will engage the creative part of your brain. Try it. It works. I promise.
3. If you’re feeling a bit more energetic, still staying right where you are: Look up the drawing of a simple object, like a tea cup. Don’t look up a tea cup, look up a “drawing” of a tea cup…it’ll be easier that way. Redraw the drawing in a notebook. Don’t worry about having fancy papers or pens, just use a notebook. This is the simplest way to get back into drawing. Draw a pencil. A book. A car. A face.
4. Rework something you’ve already done. Without the energy to create something new, I take what I’ve already done and rework them. An old short story you put aside — just read it. At this stage, you don’t even have to write anything, unless you feel the urge. Just read it. I take old paintings and repaint them. I also take old paintings, take their photos, print them out and create collages from them. Don’t create something new if you don’t have the energy. Rework something old.
5. Finger paint. Move your fingers around in paint. This re-engages the child artist within us all. This is a powerful, visceral exercise.
Take small steps. Any movement is movement.
Once you engage that creative side of your brain, watch for the parting of the clouds. Let it be. Don’t have expectations, just observe. See if you don’t have a bit more energy with each tiny step you take.
Many of us have gone through similar phases and come out the other side. You will get through this and come out the other side the powerful creative person you really are.
I’m a metaphysical coach. Check out more at carolineallen.com.
I knew the feeling. I’d given up journalism a few years earlier because it had sucked me dry, too. And by going to Afghanistan, she’d experienced an intensity I could only imagine.
She went immediately to the sofa and lay prone, barely able to lift her arms or sit up.
I’m an empath. It is my natural tendency to want to help. I’m psychic, and it’s my natural tendency to go for the core solution. I knew somewhere deep down, like me, that Lisa was an artist.
I grabbed a long narrow canvas from the corner — my apartment was also my art studio — and placed it on the floor next to the sofa. I found a squirt bottle full of paint, and put it in her hand.
“What are you doing?” she said, barely opening her mouth to speak.
“Just squirt on the canvas,” I said.
“What?”
“It’ll make you feel better. Just squirt some paint.”
Without sitting up or changing position, she tipped the bottle and drew lazy lines on the canvas. Without moving, she painted.
Years later, she would become the visual artist she was meant to be.
My friend’s trauma reminded me of the kind of incapacitating grief, anxiety and depression that I went through years earlier. And it reminds me of the anxiety and grief many people are going through today because of the global pandemic, forest fires, race and gender inequities, death of loved ones…
I write about the dark night of the soul and the creative recovery I experienced in the 1990s in my recently released novel,Water.
* * *
When I awaken midmorning, the “fever” has broken. My bones are jelly; I’m cleaned out. I lie there in nothingness—no money, no family, no friends, no job. It is just me. I cross my hands over my naked heart. All I have is myself. All I have is my integrity.
Integrity is the word that remains with me. I struggle aboard it like a life raft. I promise myself I’ll hold onto integrity for the rest of my life, the only thing that floats in a sea of chaos.
I get up. In the junk drawer in the kitchen, I find the Post-it notes and a pen. Back on the edge of the futon, I write “Get out of bed every day” on a pink Post-it and place it on the window where I can see it.
“Make the bed every day,” I write on a lemon note. This too goes on the window.
“Brush your hair every day.” I take the few steps to the bathroom and place the lime note on the doorframe. My thick black hair is difficult at the best of times but now is hard, matted, and tangled.
I sit back down, tired. “Brush your teeth every day.” I put this sapphire square also on the bathroom doorframe.
“Did you shower today?” Orange, bathroom doorframe.
“Change your clothes.” Violet and on the closet door in the living room, which is also my bedroom.
A long, narrow hallway leads back to a small kitchen. I place at intervals along the hallway:
“Eat every day.”
“Did you have breakfast?”
“Did you eat enough today?”
“What food have you put into your mouth today?”
I pepper other multihued Post-its throughout the tiny apartment. “Clean the kitchen.” “Sweep the floor.” “Do laundry.”
I lie back on the futon. I cannot move for an hour. Finally, I reach over and grab a stack of Post-its, write “Get out of bed” again. On ten more Post-its I write “Get out of bed.” Still lying down, I reach to place them on nearby surfaces: bed frame, wall, side table, hardwood. I understand that this decision to live will take more than just an idea. I know that living will require concerted participation.
Later I wake up from a dream where I’m told to add one more note: “Drink water. Lots of water.” I write it on a powder-blue Post-it and put it on the fridge.
I look around. My home has become a rainbow of messages willing me to survive.
* * *
Even when you don’t feel like it, even when everything is falling apart around you, even if you take just the smallest steps, you can move from depression to creative recovery. Here are five super simple tips:
1. Start small. Not just small, but tiny. Do one tiny thing. Write one sentence in a journal. One word. Start on the sofa. Start in bed. You don’t even need to get up. Or take a notebook and ballpoint and doodle. Draw spirals. Don’t even write a word or draw a picture, just move the pen. Any movement is progress and will lead to more movement.
2. Look through an art book. Read short stories. You can do this from your bed or the sofa if you need to. In your mind, explore what you like in certain paintings and stories and ask yourself why. This will engage the creative part of your brain. Try it. It works. I promise.
3. If you’re feeling a bit more energetic, still staying right where you are: Look up the drawing of a simple object, like a tea cup. Don’t look up a tea cup, look up a “drawing” of a tea cup…it’ll be easier that way. Redraw the drawing in a notebook. Don’t worry about having fancy papers or pens, just use a notebook. This is the simplest way to get back into drawing. Draw a pencil. A book. A car. A face.
4. Rework something you’ve already done. Without the energy to create something new, I take what I’ve already done and rework them. An old short story you put aside — just read it. At this stage, you don’t even have to write anything, unless you feel the urge. Just read it. I take old paintings and repaint them. I also take old paintings, take their photos, print them out and create collages from them. Don’t create something new if you don’t have the energy. Rework something old.
5. Finger paint. Move your fingers around in paint. This re-engages the child artist within us all. This is a powerful, visceral exercise.
Take small steps. Any movement is movement.
Once you engage that creative side of your brain, watch for the parting of the clouds. Let it be. Don’t have expectations, just observe. See if you don’t have a bit more energy with each tiny step you take.
Many of us have gone through similar phases and come out the other side. You will get through this and come out the other side the powerful creative person you really are.
I’m a metaphysical coach. Check out more at carolineallen.com.
10 Signs of a Spiritual Awakening
As a coach, I'm seeing more and more people going through a spiritual awakening. Here I explore the signs, symptoms, and solutions to dealing with such an awakening, using my own experiences. My journey is detailed in my fourth novel, WaterWATER. Even though it's part of a series, the book can be read as a stand-alone novel.
1. Sudden opening
Not all but many people going through a spiritual awakening experience a sudden psychic opening. They know and see things they've never seen before. It feels like a lightning strike. For me, I went through a divorce and was at the Financial Times in London when the strike hit me -- I could hear everyone's thoughts. Not just thoughts, but their spirits. Even the trees began speaking to me. It's at this stage that many people end up in psychiatrist's office for a diagnosis. For me, I knew what was happening was important and I didn't want to be labeled as sick. I knew it was a spiritual perceptual shift. For more on the debate over spiritual awakening vs psychosis, watch the TedX talk by Phil Borges.
2. Spiritual Depression
What worked before no longer works for you. Marriage, work, friendships -- they aren't aligned with who you're becoming. How can you tell the difference between spiritual depression and regular depression? With regular depression, you can find your way again to loving the things you loved before. With spiritual depression, there is a great call to find a new way. When the lightning strike came at the FT for me, I just knew in my gut I could no longer be a journalist. There was simply no question. But oh how much I didn't want to give up my jet-setting journalism life. WATER, my fourth novel, opens with the dark night of the soul I suffered on my journey. The transformation can be very emotionally difficult -- for me it was like my skin was being ripped from my body.
3. The Call
You'll feel called to something but you won't know what. I spent three years trying to figure out what I was being called to do.
4. The Walkabout
You'll need to spend some time just experimenting with new spiritual modalities. There is no other way. Take any online or in-person course that sparks you. For me, first it was doing a religious walkabout where every Sunday I went to a different religious service -- from Presbyterian, to Unitarian, to Quaker meetings. Then it was classes in tarot and reiki and shamanism. At the time, I'd been a journalist and all of these alternative metaphysical modalities seemed so whack to me. So weird. But the despair was so great, I felt pushed into finding answers.
5. Rejection of the Call
At some point, you will reject this new calling, probably in a spectacular fashion. I went back to journalism, to the Seattle PI to be specific. Within months my arms gave out (thoracic outlet syndrome). You'll try to go backwards, and the consequences will be swift and brutal.
6. Spiritual Illness
Many many people I've coached, including myself, went through an illness as part of their call. Our bodies scream at us that we need to change. Our illnesses themselves are the impetus that thrust us upon our spiritual quests.
7. Old Rules do not Apply
You'll find on this new journey that old hierarchical rules do not apply. You'll try to get a "promotion" or "climb a business ladder" and it just won't work. The new spiritual life isn't about climbing up and being "above" others. It's a spiral of spiritual growth that you'll spend the rest of your life deepening into. Accepting this can save you a whole boat-load of pain.
8. Others Will Not Understand
Already it's tough enough on this new path as you veer between depression and giddy enlightenment (sometimes for years) and on top of that people will think you've gone stark-raving bonkers. You might have folks make fun of you. You might lose friends. Such is the journey of the spiritual warrior. I know some of my old journalist friends thought I was crazy.
9. You May Be Alone for a Phase
To really hear what's being said to you by spirit, to really ascertain what this new calling is all about, you'll probably have a phase of being alone. Many many many people do. Own it. Use it. Love it. You're being called to help save the world in a deeper way than others living "normal" lives will every understand. The calling is sacred and important.
10. Spiritual and Creative Volcano
What most people find behind Door No. 1 is a whole playground of spiritual healing power and sublime creativity. I was a hard-partying wild-child expat, and could not believe I was being called to become a metaphysical coach to help heal people. I truly could not believe I was being chosen for such a spiritual path. Me? Me? I found I could channel and speak to spirits in a way most people couldn't. Then there are the latent artistic talents that explode from just below the surface. This has happened with every client I've coached. As a book coach, I work with someone on a novel for a few years, and suddenly they find their voice and become a professional singer or actress or dancer. It's shocking and beautiful to me how much creativity we have just waiting to get out.
If you're going through a spiritual awakening, it can feel like you're losing your mind. You ARE! The mind has been molded by a toxic society and it must be lost so the true soul can be found.
1. Sudden opening
Not all but many people going through a spiritual awakening experience a sudden psychic opening. They know and see things they've never seen before. It feels like a lightning strike. For me, I went through a divorce and was at the Financial Times in London when the strike hit me -- I could hear everyone's thoughts. Not just thoughts, but their spirits. Even the trees began speaking to me. It's at this stage that many people end up in psychiatrist's office for a diagnosis. For me, I knew what was happening was important and I didn't want to be labeled as sick. I knew it was a spiritual perceptual shift. For more on the debate over spiritual awakening vs psychosis, watch the TedX talk by Phil Borges.
2. Spiritual Depression
What worked before no longer works for you. Marriage, work, friendships -- they aren't aligned with who you're becoming. How can you tell the difference between spiritual depression and regular depression? With regular depression, you can find your way again to loving the things you loved before. With spiritual depression, there is a great call to find a new way. When the lightning strike came at the FT for me, I just knew in my gut I could no longer be a journalist. There was simply no question. But oh how much I didn't want to give up my jet-setting journalism life. WATER, my fourth novel, opens with the dark night of the soul I suffered on my journey. The transformation can be very emotionally difficult -- for me it was like my skin was being ripped from my body.
3. The Call
You'll feel called to something but you won't know what. I spent three years trying to figure out what I was being called to do.
4. The Walkabout
You'll need to spend some time just experimenting with new spiritual modalities. There is no other way. Take any online or in-person course that sparks you. For me, first it was doing a religious walkabout where every Sunday I went to a different religious service -- from Presbyterian, to Unitarian, to Quaker meetings. Then it was classes in tarot and reiki and shamanism. At the time, I'd been a journalist and all of these alternative metaphysical modalities seemed so whack to me. So weird. But the despair was so great, I felt pushed into finding answers.
5. Rejection of the Call
At some point, you will reject this new calling, probably in a spectacular fashion. I went back to journalism, to the Seattle PI to be specific. Within months my arms gave out (thoracic outlet syndrome). You'll try to go backwards, and the consequences will be swift and brutal.
6. Spiritual Illness
Many many people I've coached, including myself, went through an illness as part of their call. Our bodies scream at us that we need to change. Our illnesses themselves are the impetus that thrust us upon our spiritual quests.
7. Old Rules do not Apply
You'll find on this new journey that old hierarchical rules do not apply. You'll try to get a "promotion" or "climb a business ladder" and it just won't work. The new spiritual life isn't about climbing up and being "above" others. It's a spiral of spiritual growth that you'll spend the rest of your life deepening into. Accepting this can save you a whole boat-load of pain.
8. Others Will Not Understand
Already it's tough enough on this new path as you veer between depression and giddy enlightenment (sometimes for years) and on top of that people will think you've gone stark-raving bonkers. You might have folks make fun of you. You might lose friends. Such is the journey of the spiritual warrior. I know some of my old journalist friends thought I was crazy.
9. You May Be Alone for a Phase
To really hear what's being said to you by spirit, to really ascertain what this new calling is all about, you'll probably have a phase of being alone. Many many many people do. Own it. Use it. Love it. You're being called to help save the world in a deeper way than others living "normal" lives will every understand. The calling is sacred and important.
10. Spiritual and Creative Volcano
What most people find behind Door No. 1 is a whole playground of spiritual healing power and sublime creativity. I was a hard-partying wild-child expat, and could not believe I was being called to become a metaphysical coach to help heal people. I truly could not believe I was being chosen for such a spiritual path. Me? Me? I found I could channel and speak to spirits in a way most people couldn't. Then there are the latent artistic talents that explode from just below the surface. This has happened with every client I've coached. As a book coach, I work with someone on a novel for a few years, and suddenly they find their voice and become a professional singer or actress or dancer. It's shocking and beautiful to me how much creativity we have just waiting to get out.
If you're going through a spiritual awakening, it can feel like you're losing your mind. You ARE! The mind has been molded by a toxic society and it must be lost so the true soul can be found.
How Creativity Can Pull You Out of a Dark Night of the Soul
In Water,, my fourth novel, I describe my own dark night of the soul more than 25 years ago, and how finding my voice as a novelist and mystic helped pull me out of it.
Today, depression, and anxiety are skyrocketing as the world goes through an unprecedented shift.
Just as meditation, yoga and exercise can help during dark times, so too can a disciplined, ongoing creative practice.
Here are some tips for using your creativity to pull you back into the light.
1. Slow and steady wins the race. Set regular days and times aside for your creative practice. Over time that schedule will get locked into your psyche. Clients will call me to discuss their dark nights of the soul. I'll ask them about their creative practice and sometimes they'll answer, "Yeah, yeah, I did the 'creativity' thing last year. Been there. Done that." That's like saying, "I watered that plant a year ago, I don't know why it's dying!" It's like going to the gym once a year and wondering why you haven't built any muscles. You have to do a creative practice regularly for years to see real results. You have to build the muscle over time.
2. Paint the darkness. Write the darkness. I'm working on a young adult novel now called Indigo -- and I'm folding in the wildfires into the narrative. I was evacuated one year ago this month as the Riverside Fire burned 276,000 acres of forestland. The way I deal with the emotions around this is to enfold it into the plot and characterization of my novels. To find poetry and soul amidst the destruction.
3. Creativity is so wonderful because it uses every emotion. You don't have to have it together. You don't have to look good. You can use every single emotion in the painting and in the writing. That's why I love being an artist. No hiding.
4. Do your creative practice even if you feel like crap. You don't have to feel good to do good art or writing. In fact, some of my best art comes when I feel horrible, broken open and raw.
5. Don't think: What use is creativity now? You're wrong. It's of tremendous importance. Look at what happened with the pandemic. Where did people turn? To the artists, to the writers, to the filmmakers, to the actors -- to Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Prime and Apple TV. Who created the content? Artists. Writers. Actors! Your craft is needed now more than ever. People need a soulful way to approach this chaos.
6. Many of us have more time now than ever before because of the pandemic. Look at the lockdown as a way to go deeply into yourself, find that creative spark, blow on it, nurture it, build it into a transformative force.
Want to know more about the dark night of the soul and creativity? Listen here to my conversation with Coach Ellen Newhouse.
Need more guidance? Besides ongoing book coaching, I offer all kinds of sessions to help you get back on track with your creativity. I'm passionate about helping people reconnect with their raw, passionate, innate creative power -- because I know that CREATIVITY is the answer to all of the destruction we're seeing.
Today, depression, and anxiety are skyrocketing as the world goes through an unprecedented shift.
Just as meditation, yoga and exercise can help during dark times, so too can a disciplined, ongoing creative practice.
Here are some tips for using your creativity to pull you back into the light.
1. Slow and steady wins the race. Set regular days and times aside for your creative practice. Over time that schedule will get locked into your psyche. Clients will call me to discuss their dark nights of the soul. I'll ask them about their creative practice and sometimes they'll answer, "Yeah, yeah, I did the 'creativity' thing last year. Been there. Done that." That's like saying, "I watered that plant a year ago, I don't know why it's dying!" It's like going to the gym once a year and wondering why you haven't built any muscles. You have to do a creative practice regularly for years to see real results. You have to build the muscle over time.
2. Paint the darkness. Write the darkness. I'm working on a young adult novel now called Indigo -- and I'm folding in the wildfires into the narrative. I was evacuated one year ago this month as the Riverside Fire burned 276,000 acres of forestland. The way I deal with the emotions around this is to enfold it into the plot and characterization of my novels. To find poetry and soul amidst the destruction.
3. Creativity is so wonderful because it uses every emotion. You don't have to have it together. You don't have to look good. You can use every single emotion in the painting and in the writing. That's why I love being an artist. No hiding.
4. Do your creative practice even if you feel like crap. You don't have to feel good to do good art or writing. In fact, some of my best art comes when I feel horrible, broken open and raw.
5. Don't think: What use is creativity now? You're wrong. It's of tremendous importance. Look at what happened with the pandemic. Where did people turn? To the artists, to the writers, to the filmmakers, to the actors -- to Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Prime and Apple TV. Who created the content? Artists. Writers. Actors! Your craft is needed now more than ever. People need a soulful way to approach this chaos.
6. Many of us have more time now than ever before because of the pandemic. Look at the lockdown as a way to go deeply into yourself, find that creative spark, blow on it, nurture it, build it into a transformative force.
Want to know more about the dark night of the soul and creativity? Listen here to my conversation with Coach Ellen Newhouse.
Need more guidance? Besides ongoing book coaching, I offer all kinds of sessions to help you get back on track with your creativity. I'm passionate about helping people reconnect with their raw, passionate, innate creative power -- because I know that CREATIVITY is the answer to all of the destruction we're seeing.
