E.A. Briginshaw's Blog, page 2
June 18, 2022
What prompted me to write a science fiction novel?
I was recently interviewed by Richard Sevigny on CKVS (Voice of the Shuswap) about my latest novel, "The Journey".
Since most of my novels are mysteries what prompted me to write a science fiction novel this time?
Here's a link to my response: https://youtu.be/KcnCtCWawEw
Since most of my novels are mysteries what prompted me to write a science fiction novel this time?
Here's a link to my response: https://youtu.be/KcnCtCWawEw
May 24, 2022
The Journey Now Available
I'm pleased to announce that my new book titled "The Journey" is now available.
Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0B...
“The Journey" is a story about Ryan Beam, an astronaut candidate hoping to be one of the crew members selected for a future mission to Mars. There are numerous obstacles to overcome to make the six month journey there, achieve the goals of the mission, and then make the return trip back home to earth.
Emma (Ryan’s girlfriend) has her own goals in life and has to decide what she's willing to sacrifice to be with Ryan.
Lori (Ryan's mother) has faith that her son will achieve his goals, but is facing her own challenging journey.
Matt (Ryan's father) is an engineer who is coming to the realization that there are some things in life that he can't fully understand and fix, no matter how hard he tries, and sometimes you just have to have faith.
The book is available in hardcover, paperback and ebook formats.
Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0B...
“The Journey" is a story about Ryan Beam, an astronaut candidate hoping to be one of the crew members selected for a future mission to Mars. There are numerous obstacles to overcome to make the six month journey there, achieve the goals of the mission, and then make the return trip back home to earth.
Emma (Ryan’s girlfriend) has her own goals in life and has to decide what she's willing to sacrifice to be with Ryan.
Lori (Ryan's mother) has faith that her son will achieve his goals, but is facing her own challenging journey.
Matt (Ryan's father) is an engineer who is coming to the realization that there are some things in life that he can't fully understand and fix, no matter how hard he tries, and sometimes you just have to have faith.
The book is available in hardcover, paperback and ebook formats.
January 22, 2022
The Journey - Chapter 1
I've just finished the first draft of my new book which means the editing and revising stage begins. The book was originally titled "You Can't Get There From Here", but I thought that sounded too negative. The second title was "How Do I Get There From Here?" but I wasn't sure about having the title be a question. I'm now calling it "The Journey".
It is a story with four main characters, told through their own eyes, and each facing their own challenges.
The year is 2038 and Ryan (the son) is an astronaut candidate with NASA, hoping to be one of the crew members selected for a future mission to Mars. There are numerous obstacles to overcome to make the six month journey there, achieve the goals of the mission, and then make the return trip back home to earth. Emma (the girlfriend) has her own goals in life and has to decide what she's willing to sacrifice to be with Ryan. Lori (Ryan's mother) has faith that her son will achieve his goals, but is facing her own challenging journey. Matt (Ryan's father) is an engineer who is coming to the realization that there are some things in life that he can't fully understand and fix, no matter how hard he tries, and sometimes you just have to have faith.
Chapter 1
Houston, Texas
March, 2038
Ryan (the son)
As I stepped through the doors into the enormous presentation room, I realized I was embarrassingly early. The room was set up like a movie theatre, with a large screen at the front with about twenty rows of padded seats arranged in a semi-circle, slowly ascending to the entrance where I stood. I felt conspicuous standing there, so I quickly made my way to a seat.
I looked around and saw there were only three other people in the room, and they seemed to be the ones setting up the presentation. One of them caught my eye and started navigating his way down the row toward me.
“You must be our latest ASCAN,” he said.
I started to get out of my chair to greet him. “Sir?”
“ASCAN. Astronaut candidate. We really should have picked a better acronym, but it’s pretty much cast in stone now.” He held out his hand. “I’m Brian Duke, Head of Selection and Development for astronaut candidates.”
I distinctly remembered him from the last round of interviews I’d had, but I wasn’t sure he’d remember me. He’d let the other panelists ask all of the questions during the interviews, but it had been quite clear that he was the one in charge.
“You must me Beam,” he said.
“Yes sir, Ryan Beam.” As I shook his hand, I quickly realized how much power and control can be realized in such a simple gesture.
He waved for me to sit down and then sat in the seat beside me. “Sorry I wasn’t there to meet you on your first day. I trust my assistant, Judy, got you off on the right track.”
“Yeah, she was great. She gave me my schedule for the first three days. I didn’t realize how many medical tests there’d be at the start.”
He grimaced. “I think our doctors here like to start the poking and prodding as soon as you step through the door. Sometimes I think they enjoy it a little too much.” He gave my arm a reassuring pat. “So, have you found a place to stay here in Houston yet?”
“No, not yet. Judy arranged for me stay with one of the other astronauts, Tom Fitzgerald, for a little while until I get my own place and my stuff gets shipped down from Canada.”
“Glad to hear that. Tef’s a good guy and he’ll help you get oriented. He’s only about four months ahead of you in the program, so he’ll remember what it’s like being a new candidate. When’s your stuff supposed to arrive?”
“Probably in a couple of weeks. My parents are heading to Saskatchewan today to pack up my stuff and ship it down to me. Tef said there’s an apartment coming available in his building at the beginning of April, so the timing might work out great.”
“Just make sure you keep track of all of your expenses and submit them to Judy.”
I nodded my agreement. I didn’t know whether to tell my new boss about my girlfriend, Emma, because we’d never really decided whether she was coming down to Houston with me or not. We’d been going out for about ten months, so we were in that awkward stage of determining how serious our relationship was. I was tempted to ask Emma to come with me, but then realized she’d be left almost entirely on her own because my new job would mean long, exhausting days with little time left over for her. The guilt of having her follow me to Houston and then be miserable was something I didn’t think I could bear. On the other hand, I knew she was different than the other women I’d dated and I didn’t want my new job to be the cause of our breakup. I secretly hoped she would make the decision for us.
The doors at the back of the presentation center opened and a few more people streamed in. Looking around, I realized about a dozen people had slipped in while Duke and I were talking.
“I should get back to work,” Duke said. “We’ll be getting started soon.” He shook my hand again as he got out of his chair. “Nice meeting you, Ryan. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.”
I watched him head down to the front of the room where he appeared to be giving instructions to the technicians. As I looked to my right, I felt the vibration as someone sat down in the seat on my left. It was Tef.
“Hey Ryan. Been here long?”
“No,” I lied. I didn’t want him to know how much of a keener I was.
“I see you finally got your badge,” he said as he grabbed the ID I had hanging around my neck. “Sweet Jesus, did they take this picture while they were doing your colonoscopy?”
I quickly pulled by ID back from his hand. My badge had my name, RYAN ANDREW BEAM, in big block letters underneath my picture, which definitely had a “deer in the headlights” look to it. My dirty blond hair and pale skin made me look like I should be in a body bag.
“Alright, let’s see yours,” I said as I grabbed his badge. THOMAS EDWARD FITZGERALD. His picture looked like it had been taken by a professional photographer. His dark brown hair and tanned skin made him look like a taller version of Tom Cruise from the Top Gun movie. “You must have paid someone to Photoshop it,” I said as I let the elastic strap quickly snap the badge back toward his chest.
“Don’t you have an old photograph that you could ask them to use on your ID?” Tef asked.
I pulled out my cell phone and started scrolling through the photo gallery to see if there was a suitable picture.
“Whoa, who’s that?” Tef said as he grabbed my phone.
“That’s me and my girlfriend, Emma.”
“How’d a guy as butt-ugly as you get a girl like that?”
It was something I’d wondered a few times myself. Emma’s short blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and athletic build turned a lot of heads when she walked into a room. The picture was one that had been taken of us when we were hiking, one of our favorite activities.
“Do you think it would work if I cropped my head-shot out of that picture and asked them to use it on my ID?” I asked.
Tef enlarged the photo on the phone, frowned, and handed the phone back to me. “Keep scrolling,” he said. “There’s got to be a better one.” He nudged my shoulder. “It’s not your fault. You older guys are just not as photogenic. I hear the skin starts getting a little saggy once you hit thirty.”
I tried to ignore the insult. It was true, that at thirty-four, I was one of the older astronaut candidates, but I figured my maturity was one of the reasons I was selected. Besides, Tef would be hitting the big three-oh in a couple of years himself.
Our sparring was interrupted by Commander Duke stepping onto the stage at the front of the room.
“Good morning, everyone. I’d just like to say a few words before the main event gets underway and explain what you’re going to be seeing today. The main screen behind me will be showing the audio and video of our Mars landing that will be same feed seen by the general public.”
Commander Duke pointed to some of the other displays. “The two monitors on the left side of the big screen will show the view of the control panel as seen by Commander Johnson as he navigates the lander down to the surface of Mars. It will be of special interest to those of you who might be sitting in his chair in future missions.”
“The two displays on the right side will show the view of the control panel as seen by Commander Thompson, who is in charge of lowering the payload to the surface of Mars. Again, this will be of interest to those of you who might be sitting in his chair in future missions. I’d like to point out this will be the largest and heaviest payload we’ve ever tried to land on Mars, which will become the base for future labs built on the Mars surface. So take a deep breath, because the excitement will be starting shortly.”
There was a brief round of applause as the commander left the stage. As I looked around, I could see the room was now filled with a mixture of young and old astronauts, some who had already been in space several times, and some, like me, who were still in training. I wondered if the others felt as nervous as I did.
The main screen suddenly came to life and I heard a voice that reminded me of Siri on my phone.
“This is NASA control. MarsLander-1 will soon be beginning its descent to the Mars surface. It launched from Cape Canaveral just under seven months ago to begin its journey of 480 million kilometers to Mars. Current speed of the spacecraft is approximately 20,000 kilometers per hour. Stand by for further updates.”
The room went silent and everyone’s focus turned to the screens.
“MarsLander-1 is now entering Mars atmosphere, which is about one percent of that on Earth, but it still generates enormous heat as the spaceship travels through it. The spaceship is protected by a heat shield during this stage of the descent.”
The image displayed on the screen showed what looked like a fire-ball travelling through the sky.
“They’ve just entered the seven minutes of terror,” Tef whispered to me.
I tried to imagine myself sitting in that rocket ship, trusting that the engineering would protect me. It seemed to go on forever.
“We are preparing for the straighten up and fly right manoeuver, where the spacecraft will jettison the entry balance masses in preparation for parachute deployment and roll over to give the radar a better look at the surface.”
There was a pause of several seconds.
“Parachute deployed. We are seeing significant deceleration and the spacecraft is currently travelling at 650 meters per second.”
The main screen was now displaying the view from the back of the spacecraft. There was an immediate buzz in the room because we could all see that the parachute was spinning wildly as it appeared that one side of it had a tear in it. The smaller screens showing the astronaut’s control panels showed multiple lights flashing red.
“Heat shield separated.”
The main screen showed the heat shield falling away from the Mars lander.
“Current speed is 600 meters per second at an altitude of approximately 10 kilometers.”
“That’s way too fast,” Tef said.
“Houston Control is reporting a problem controlling the speed of descent of the spacecraft. Automated control attempting corrective action. Current speed is 550 meters per second at an altitude of approximately six kilometers.”
“Take manual control!” someone shouted from the audience. I turned, but didn’t see who yelled it.
Suddenly the main screen went black. The other smaller displays remained active and we could all see that the spacecraft was not decelerating quickly enough. The screen showed Commander Johnson taking manual control of the spacecraft and engaging the emergency thrusters. Then all of the screens went black.
“Awaiting further updates from the spacecraft.”
“Awaiting further updates from the spacecraft.”
“Awaiting further updates from the spacecraft.”
But we all knew there would not be any further updates.
It is a story with four main characters, told through their own eyes, and each facing their own challenges.
The year is 2038 and Ryan (the son) is an astronaut candidate with NASA, hoping to be one of the crew members selected for a future mission to Mars. There are numerous obstacles to overcome to make the six month journey there, achieve the goals of the mission, and then make the return trip back home to earth. Emma (the girlfriend) has her own goals in life and has to decide what she's willing to sacrifice to be with Ryan. Lori (Ryan's mother) has faith that her son will achieve his goals, but is facing her own challenging journey. Matt (Ryan's father) is an engineer who is coming to the realization that there are some things in life that he can't fully understand and fix, no matter how hard he tries, and sometimes you just have to have faith.
Chapter 1
Houston, Texas
March, 2038
Ryan (the son)
As I stepped through the doors into the enormous presentation room, I realized I was embarrassingly early. The room was set up like a movie theatre, with a large screen at the front with about twenty rows of padded seats arranged in a semi-circle, slowly ascending to the entrance where I stood. I felt conspicuous standing there, so I quickly made my way to a seat.
I looked around and saw there were only three other people in the room, and they seemed to be the ones setting up the presentation. One of them caught my eye and started navigating his way down the row toward me.
“You must be our latest ASCAN,” he said.
I started to get out of my chair to greet him. “Sir?”
“ASCAN. Astronaut candidate. We really should have picked a better acronym, but it’s pretty much cast in stone now.” He held out his hand. “I’m Brian Duke, Head of Selection and Development for astronaut candidates.”
I distinctly remembered him from the last round of interviews I’d had, but I wasn’t sure he’d remember me. He’d let the other panelists ask all of the questions during the interviews, but it had been quite clear that he was the one in charge.
“You must me Beam,” he said.
“Yes sir, Ryan Beam.” As I shook his hand, I quickly realized how much power and control can be realized in such a simple gesture.
He waved for me to sit down and then sat in the seat beside me. “Sorry I wasn’t there to meet you on your first day. I trust my assistant, Judy, got you off on the right track.”
“Yeah, she was great. She gave me my schedule for the first three days. I didn’t realize how many medical tests there’d be at the start.”
He grimaced. “I think our doctors here like to start the poking and prodding as soon as you step through the door. Sometimes I think they enjoy it a little too much.” He gave my arm a reassuring pat. “So, have you found a place to stay here in Houston yet?”
“No, not yet. Judy arranged for me stay with one of the other astronauts, Tom Fitzgerald, for a little while until I get my own place and my stuff gets shipped down from Canada.”
“Glad to hear that. Tef’s a good guy and he’ll help you get oriented. He’s only about four months ahead of you in the program, so he’ll remember what it’s like being a new candidate. When’s your stuff supposed to arrive?”
“Probably in a couple of weeks. My parents are heading to Saskatchewan today to pack up my stuff and ship it down to me. Tef said there’s an apartment coming available in his building at the beginning of April, so the timing might work out great.”
“Just make sure you keep track of all of your expenses and submit them to Judy.”
I nodded my agreement. I didn’t know whether to tell my new boss about my girlfriend, Emma, because we’d never really decided whether she was coming down to Houston with me or not. We’d been going out for about ten months, so we were in that awkward stage of determining how serious our relationship was. I was tempted to ask Emma to come with me, but then realized she’d be left almost entirely on her own because my new job would mean long, exhausting days with little time left over for her. The guilt of having her follow me to Houston and then be miserable was something I didn’t think I could bear. On the other hand, I knew she was different than the other women I’d dated and I didn’t want my new job to be the cause of our breakup. I secretly hoped she would make the decision for us.
The doors at the back of the presentation center opened and a few more people streamed in. Looking around, I realized about a dozen people had slipped in while Duke and I were talking.
“I should get back to work,” Duke said. “We’ll be getting started soon.” He shook my hand again as he got out of his chair. “Nice meeting you, Ryan. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.”
I watched him head down to the front of the room where he appeared to be giving instructions to the technicians. As I looked to my right, I felt the vibration as someone sat down in the seat on my left. It was Tef.
“Hey Ryan. Been here long?”
“No,” I lied. I didn’t want him to know how much of a keener I was.
“I see you finally got your badge,” he said as he grabbed the ID I had hanging around my neck. “Sweet Jesus, did they take this picture while they were doing your colonoscopy?”
I quickly pulled by ID back from his hand. My badge had my name, RYAN ANDREW BEAM, in big block letters underneath my picture, which definitely had a “deer in the headlights” look to it. My dirty blond hair and pale skin made me look like I should be in a body bag.
“Alright, let’s see yours,” I said as I grabbed his badge. THOMAS EDWARD FITZGERALD. His picture looked like it had been taken by a professional photographer. His dark brown hair and tanned skin made him look like a taller version of Tom Cruise from the Top Gun movie. “You must have paid someone to Photoshop it,” I said as I let the elastic strap quickly snap the badge back toward his chest.
“Don’t you have an old photograph that you could ask them to use on your ID?” Tef asked.
I pulled out my cell phone and started scrolling through the photo gallery to see if there was a suitable picture.
“Whoa, who’s that?” Tef said as he grabbed my phone.
“That’s me and my girlfriend, Emma.”
“How’d a guy as butt-ugly as you get a girl like that?”
It was something I’d wondered a few times myself. Emma’s short blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and athletic build turned a lot of heads when she walked into a room. The picture was one that had been taken of us when we were hiking, one of our favorite activities.
“Do you think it would work if I cropped my head-shot out of that picture and asked them to use it on my ID?” I asked.
Tef enlarged the photo on the phone, frowned, and handed the phone back to me. “Keep scrolling,” he said. “There’s got to be a better one.” He nudged my shoulder. “It’s not your fault. You older guys are just not as photogenic. I hear the skin starts getting a little saggy once you hit thirty.”
I tried to ignore the insult. It was true, that at thirty-four, I was one of the older astronaut candidates, but I figured my maturity was one of the reasons I was selected. Besides, Tef would be hitting the big three-oh in a couple of years himself.
Our sparring was interrupted by Commander Duke stepping onto the stage at the front of the room.
“Good morning, everyone. I’d just like to say a few words before the main event gets underway and explain what you’re going to be seeing today. The main screen behind me will be showing the audio and video of our Mars landing that will be same feed seen by the general public.”
Commander Duke pointed to some of the other displays. “The two monitors on the left side of the big screen will show the view of the control panel as seen by Commander Johnson as he navigates the lander down to the surface of Mars. It will be of special interest to those of you who might be sitting in his chair in future missions.”
“The two displays on the right side will show the view of the control panel as seen by Commander Thompson, who is in charge of lowering the payload to the surface of Mars. Again, this will be of interest to those of you who might be sitting in his chair in future missions. I’d like to point out this will be the largest and heaviest payload we’ve ever tried to land on Mars, which will become the base for future labs built on the Mars surface. So take a deep breath, because the excitement will be starting shortly.”
There was a brief round of applause as the commander left the stage. As I looked around, I could see the room was now filled with a mixture of young and old astronauts, some who had already been in space several times, and some, like me, who were still in training. I wondered if the others felt as nervous as I did.
The main screen suddenly came to life and I heard a voice that reminded me of Siri on my phone.
“This is NASA control. MarsLander-1 will soon be beginning its descent to the Mars surface. It launched from Cape Canaveral just under seven months ago to begin its journey of 480 million kilometers to Mars. Current speed of the spacecraft is approximately 20,000 kilometers per hour. Stand by for further updates.”
The room went silent and everyone’s focus turned to the screens.
“MarsLander-1 is now entering Mars atmosphere, which is about one percent of that on Earth, but it still generates enormous heat as the spaceship travels through it. The spaceship is protected by a heat shield during this stage of the descent.”
The image displayed on the screen showed what looked like a fire-ball travelling through the sky.
“They’ve just entered the seven minutes of terror,” Tef whispered to me.
I tried to imagine myself sitting in that rocket ship, trusting that the engineering would protect me. It seemed to go on forever.
“We are preparing for the straighten up and fly right manoeuver, where the spacecraft will jettison the entry balance masses in preparation for parachute deployment and roll over to give the radar a better look at the surface.”
There was a pause of several seconds.
“Parachute deployed. We are seeing significant deceleration and the spacecraft is currently travelling at 650 meters per second.”
The main screen was now displaying the view from the back of the spacecraft. There was an immediate buzz in the room because we could all see that the parachute was spinning wildly as it appeared that one side of it had a tear in it. The smaller screens showing the astronaut’s control panels showed multiple lights flashing red.
“Heat shield separated.”
The main screen showed the heat shield falling away from the Mars lander.
“Current speed is 600 meters per second at an altitude of approximately 10 kilometers.”
“That’s way too fast,” Tef said.
“Houston Control is reporting a problem controlling the speed of descent of the spacecraft. Automated control attempting corrective action. Current speed is 550 meters per second at an altitude of approximately six kilometers.”
“Take manual control!” someone shouted from the audience. I turned, but didn’t see who yelled it.
Suddenly the main screen went black. The other smaller displays remained active and we could all see that the spacecraft was not decelerating quickly enough. The screen showed Commander Johnson taking manual control of the spacecraft and engaging the emergency thrusters. Then all of the screens went black.
“Awaiting further updates from the spacecraft.”
“Awaiting further updates from the spacecraft.”
“Awaiting further updates from the spacecraft.”
But we all knew there would not be any further updates.
January 1, 2021
2020 Year in Review
2019 was tough year for me as my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and my mother passed away just before Christmas. Life got in the way and I didn’t publish any new books. Little did I know what 2020 had in store for us.
I found my writing took on a more “reflective” tone and in January 2020, I released a novella called “Choices”. (Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08...) It’s the story of an older man who reflects on the choices he’d made throughout his life while attending the 50th anniversary celebration of his university graduating class. I was fortunate enough to be able to read one of the drafts of the book to my mother at her bedside shortly before she passed away.
I was asked to record it for a local radio station, who aired it as a radio special over a couple of weeks in February as part of their “Stories for Seniors” program. They also released it on CD and distributed them to seniors’ residences in British Columbia.
My wife was going through chemotherapy for the first five months of 2020. At the start, I was allowed to accompany her into the hospital for her treatments, but once the pandemic hit, the hospital started restricting access and I was forced to just drop her off at the door and wait in the car for several hours while she went through each treatment. I wrote a poem called “The Brave & The Scared” (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRCjm...) which dealt with those frustrations.
Since I already had the recording of “Choices” from the radio station, I thought I would use it to create my first audiobook on Audible. Little did I know how much work that would turn out to be. The original recording sounded just fine, but didn’t meet their “technical requirements”. I spent five months re-mastering the recording and learned more about sound compression than I ever thought possible. The audiobook version of “Choices” was finally released in July.
Up until this year, I’d kept the digital versions of my books exclusive to Amazon. Historically, 56% of my book sales have been in paperbacks and it was convenient to have Amazon handle all of the shipping responsibilities and just have them send me my royalties. However, in 2020, the sales of physical books dropped off dramatically and only accounted for 15% of my sales. I suspect that this is at least partly due to the pandemic, so it will be interesting to see if that trend continues in future years.
Due to that trend, I decided to make more of my books available in Kobo format. (Link: https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/search?que...) I’ve also made them available in “Overdrive”, which is the service used for digital books by most libraries. I’ve now started using the “Libby” app myself to check out digital books from the library and find it quite easy to use on my tablet.
The only digital book of mine that I’ve left exclusive to Amazon is “The Back Nine”. That’s because, in some months, I earn more in royalties from “Kindle Unlimited” subscribers than I do from regular sales and you must have your digital book exclusive to Kindle to participate in that program.
In October, I released “Life-Changing Events” (Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08...) which is a kidnapping story set in the southern, interior part of British Columbia. Part of the story takes place in the past, but the latter part of the story takes place in 2020. I had written the first draft of the book before the COVID-19 pandemic was even on the horizon, but then decided I had to rewrite the ending. How could I have a book set in 2020 and not even mention the pandemic? It turns out the rewrite was easier than I thought because it became just another life-changing event in the story.
Some of you expressed disappointment that “Choices” wasn’t released in paperback format, so I tried to rectify that by combining “Choices” and “Life-Changing Events” and releasing them together as a paperback (Link: https://www.amazon.com/Choices-Life-C...). As a bonus, I included a couple of my poems.
In October, I reached the threshold of having one thousand sales of my books. That might not sound like much to many of you when you hear of big-name authors having sales in the millions, but it was important to me. When I first started writing, I wasn’t convinced anyone would be interested in my books. My books have sold in Canada, the United States, the UK, Germany and India.
Once again, I made a small profit from my writing in 2020. I’m still not getting rich or famous, but it keeps my mind active. I’ve got a few ideas for my next project, but nothing that is causing me to burn the midnight oil. I know they say writers should try to write x-thousand words every day, but I’ve never been like that. I only write when I feel inspired. Let’s hope 2021 delivers some of that inspiration.
I found my writing took on a more “reflective” tone and in January 2020, I released a novella called “Choices”. (Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08...) It’s the story of an older man who reflects on the choices he’d made throughout his life while attending the 50th anniversary celebration of his university graduating class. I was fortunate enough to be able to read one of the drafts of the book to my mother at her bedside shortly before she passed away.
I was asked to record it for a local radio station, who aired it as a radio special over a couple of weeks in February as part of their “Stories for Seniors” program. They also released it on CD and distributed them to seniors’ residences in British Columbia.
My wife was going through chemotherapy for the first five months of 2020. At the start, I was allowed to accompany her into the hospital for her treatments, but once the pandemic hit, the hospital started restricting access and I was forced to just drop her off at the door and wait in the car for several hours while she went through each treatment. I wrote a poem called “The Brave & The Scared” (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRCjm...) which dealt with those frustrations.
Since I already had the recording of “Choices” from the radio station, I thought I would use it to create my first audiobook on Audible. Little did I know how much work that would turn out to be. The original recording sounded just fine, but didn’t meet their “technical requirements”. I spent five months re-mastering the recording and learned more about sound compression than I ever thought possible. The audiobook version of “Choices” was finally released in July.
Up until this year, I’d kept the digital versions of my books exclusive to Amazon. Historically, 56% of my book sales have been in paperbacks and it was convenient to have Amazon handle all of the shipping responsibilities and just have them send me my royalties. However, in 2020, the sales of physical books dropped off dramatically and only accounted for 15% of my sales. I suspect that this is at least partly due to the pandemic, so it will be interesting to see if that trend continues in future years.
Due to that trend, I decided to make more of my books available in Kobo format. (Link: https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/search?que...) I’ve also made them available in “Overdrive”, which is the service used for digital books by most libraries. I’ve now started using the “Libby” app myself to check out digital books from the library and find it quite easy to use on my tablet.
The only digital book of mine that I’ve left exclusive to Amazon is “The Back Nine”. That’s because, in some months, I earn more in royalties from “Kindle Unlimited” subscribers than I do from regular sales and you must have your digital book exclusive to Kindle to participate in that program.
In October, I released “Life-Changing Events” (Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08...) which is a kidnapping story set in the southern, interior part of British Columbia. Part of the story takes place in the past, but the latter part of the story takes place in 2020. I had written the first draft of the book before the COVID-19 pandemic was even on the horizon, but then decided I had to rewrite the ending. How could I have a book set in 2020 and not even mention the pandemic? It turns out the rewrite was easier than I thought because it became just another life-changing event in the story.
Some of you expressed disappointment that “Choices” wasn’t released in paperback format, so I tried to rectify that by combining “Choices” and “Life-Changing Events” and releasing them together as a paperback (Link: https://www.amazon.com/Choices-Life-C...). As a bonus, I included a couple of my poems.
In October, I reached the threshold of having one thousand sales of my books. That might not sound like much to many of you when you hear of big-name authors having sales in the millions, but it was important to me. When I first started writing, I wasn’t convinced anyone would be interested in my books. My books have sold in Canada, the United States, the UK, Germany and India.
Once again, I made a small profit from my writing in 2020. I’m still not getting rich or famous, but it keeps my mind active. I’ve got a few ideas for my next project, but nothing that is causing me to burn the midnight oil. I know they say writers should try to write x-thousand words every day, but I’ve never been like that. I only write when I feel inspired. Let’s hope 2021 delivers some of that inspiration.
October 27, 2020
"Life-Changing Events" Now Available
I'm pleased to announce that my new book titled "Life-Changing Events"
is now available on Amazon (Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08...) and Kobo (Link: https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/ebook/life...)
Description: Sometimes an event happens that we know will affect us for the rest of our lives, whether we want it to or not. We might have been the perpetrator, or we might have been the victim, or maybe we’re just the person in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Frank Taylor and Katy Sanchez share one of these life-changing events. It happened many years ago when Frank was a hard-working, middle-aged plumber and Katy was a troubled, eleven-year-old school girl. Both of them have been dealing with the fallout ever since.
They stumble across each other fifteen years later and Frank gets to see first-hand the impact his actions have had on Katy’s life. He tries to help her get her life back on track without her finding out the role he played in turning her life upside down. But, is it too late, or will another life-changing event catch them both by surprise?
is now available on Amazon (Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08...) and Kobo (Link: https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/ebook/life...)Description: Sometimes an event happens that we know will affect us for the rest of our lives, whether we want it to or not. We might have been the perpetrator, or we might have been the victim, or maybe we’re just the person in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Frank Taylor and Katy Sanchez share one of these life-changing events. It happened many years ago when Frank was a hard-working, middle-aged plumber and Katy was a troubled, eleven-year-old school girl. Both of them have been dealing with the fallout ever since.
They stumble across each other fifteen years later and Frank gets to see first-hand the impact his actions have had on Katy’s life. He tries to help her get her life back on track without her finding out the role he played in turning her life upside down. But, is it too late, or will another life-changing event catch them both by surprise?
August 18, 2020
"Choices" Now Available in Audiobook Version
I'm pleased to announce that my latest novel "Choices" is now available on Amazon, Audible, iTunes and Kobo.
Choices is the story of an older man who visits a Vegas nightclub to attend the 50th anniversary of his university graduating class. It's called "Choices" because the venue features multiple clubs under the same roof, each one featuring a different type of music.
As the man moves from one club to another, he finds the music causes him to re-live many of the choices he has made in his life. Did he choose the right career? Did he marry the right girl? Should he have had kids?
Music plays a major part in the book, so I've provided links to some of the songs that triggered his flashbacks. For example, in the Country & Western club, he line-dances to Billy Cyrus's tune called "Achy Breaky Heart". (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byQIP...) and slow-dances to Garth Brooks' song "The Dance". (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vh4lh...)
In the Folk club, he has flashbacks from Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years". (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVK3t...) and Simon & Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-JQ1...).
Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-5fD...) and "When the Deal Goes Down" (Link: https://www.bobdylan.com/video/when-t..." cause him to re-live his wife's passing.
In the Blues club, Buddy Guy's "Whiskey Ghost" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdHbs...) cause him to re-live his struggles with the bottle.
When his entire class meets in the Sixties club at midnight, the Rolling Stones song "You Can’t Always Get What You Want" Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O8DX...) trigger additional flashbacks, as does the Beatles tune "A Day in the Life" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usNsC...) and "Hey Jude" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_MjC...)
You may want to have these tunes playing in the background as you read (or listen to) the book.
I hope you enjoy it.
Choices is the story of an older man who visits a Vegas nightclub to attend the 50th anniversary of his university graduating class. It's called "Choices" because the venue features multiple clubs under the same roof, each one featuring a different type of music.
As the man moves from one club to another, he finds the music causes him to re-live many of the choices he has made in his life. Did he choose the right career? Did he marry the right girl? Should he have had kids?
Music plays a major part in the book, so I've provided links to some of the songs that triggered his flashbacks. For example, in the Country & Western club, he line-dances to Billy Cyrus's tune called "Achy Breaky Heart". (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byQIP...) and slow-dances to Garth Brooks' song "The Dance". (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vh4lh...)
In the Folk club, he has flashbacks from Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years". (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVK3t...) and Simon & Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-JQ1...).
Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-5fD...) and "When the Deal Goes Down" (Link: https://www.bobdylan.com/video/when-t..." cause him to re-live his wife's passing.
In the Blues club, Buddy Guy's "Whiskey Ghost" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdHbs...) cause him to re-live his struggles with the bottle.
When his entire class meets in the Sixties club at midnight, the Rolling Stones song "You Can’t Always Get What You Want" Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O8DX...) trigger additional flashbacks, as does the Beatles tune "A Day in the Life" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usNsC...) and "Hey Jude" (Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_MjC...)
You may want to have these tunes playing in the background as you read (or listen to) the book.
I hope you enjoy it.
May 3, 2020
Life-Changing Events - Chapter 1
I've just completed the first draft of my new book titled "Life-Changing Events" and I've posted the first chapter below. I normally go through six rounds of editing and getting feedback from beta-readers before it's ready to be released so I'm hoping it will be released by Christmas.
Chapter 1:
Frank Taylor opens the gate in front of the retirement home and shuffles along the path with his little dog toward the park. It is a walk that he has done twice a day for as long as he can remember, which isn’t that long. There are some things in his life that he wishes he could remember, and some things he wishes he could forget.
It is a beautiful park with well-manicured lawns that slope gently down toward the waterfront. Frank can see the park from his apartment on the top floor of the up-scale residence, but he likes to get out among the people.
Frank is a big man, but he has a gentle nature about him, so people don’t seem intimidated by his size. The white fur of his Bichon matches his white beard and makes people think of Santa Claus, although on closer inspection, neither the dog’s fur or Frank’s beard are as well-kept as they should be. Frank can’t be bothered maintaining either anymore.
Frank likes people, or at least he used to. Now, he is more suspicious of their intentions. The dog seems to pick up on those feelings because he’ll either frantically wag his tail or give a soft growl, depending on who approaches.
There are numerous people on the path today, some jogging, some on skateboards or bicycles, and some just walking like he is, as if they’re looking for something or someone.
Frank walks by the beggars and the homeless people who sit alongside the path asking passersby if they have any spare change. Frank always says no. He sees the same people asking the same question every day on his walk. A few don’t bother asking him anymore because they already know the answer. A few ask every day, as if they’ve never seen him before.
Frank continues walking along the path and stops at the bench in front of the playground that has numerous children playing. The playground is Frank’s favorite part of the park because the kids always seem so happy and carefree.
A small group of mothers are huddled together drinking coffee and talking among themselves while watching their kids play. But Frank knows some of them don’t always watch closely enough. A kid can be snatched in the blink of an eye.
Frank sits on the bench and watches the kids for a long time. He studies the mothers and tries to figure out which kids belong to which mother and what their lives might be like. Who is living their dream life and who is trapped in a loveless marriage, secretly plotting how they’re going to make their escape?
When his back starts to stiffen up, Frank gets up and starts his walk back home, but stops at the next bench along the path where he watches the homeless people. He knows they all have their reasons for being out on the street. Some have drug problems, some have mental health issues, and others have had a life-changing event that caused them to lose their way. Some of them caused their own problems, but some had their problems thrust upon them through no fault of their own. Frank knows both kinds, the victims and the perpetrators.
One young woman sitting about twenty paces from the other beggars catches his eye. She is probably in her mid-twenties, but she doesn’t seem as hardened as the other vagrants. Her face shows both hope and fear as she asks people for money as they walk by.
Frank watches her for a long time. She looks familiar, but he isn’t sure why. She has a big straw hat sitting in front of her holding the small amount of change that passersby have given her. The hat has a light blue ribbon around it with some writing on the front, but the writing has been scratched out, as if trying to eliminate any trace of it ever being there.
Frank turns his head to the side and squints his eyes to try to read what is written on the ribbon. “Katy”, that’s what the ribbon says. Frank takes a closer look at the woman and it all starts to come back to him. He’d always wondered what had happened to her.
He slowly gets up and shuffles his way toward the young woman. She watches him as he approaches. Frank’s dog is confused and looks at Frank for some kind of sign as to whether he should growl or wag his tail as they get closer to the woman.
“Do you have any spare change, sir?” she asks.
It is obvious she doesn’t recognize him. Frank doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his inside jacket pocket and feels for one of the envelopes that he always carries with him. There are numerous other envelopes just like it, hidden in places that only Frank and one other person knows about, but the other person will never tell.
As he walks by the young woman, Frank drops the envelope into her dirty sunhat.
“Thank you,” she says.
He’s worried that she might recognize his voice so he doesn’t respond, but just keeps walking and doesn’t look back.
This was not the first time that Frank and Katy had crossed paths.
Chapter 1:
Frank Taylor opens the gate in front of the retirement home and shuffles along the path with his little dog toward the park. It is a walk that he has done twice a day for as long as he can remember, which isn’t that long. There are some things in his life that he wishes he could remember, and some things he wishes he could forget.
It is a beautiful park with well-manicured lawns that slope gently down toward the waterfront. Frank can see the park from his apartment on the top floor of the up-scale residence, but he likes to get out among the people.
Frank is a big man, but he has a gentle nature about him, so people don’t seem intimidated by his size. The white fur of his Bichon matches his white beard and makes people think of Santa Claus, although on closer inspection, neither the dog’s fur or Frank’s beard are as well-kept as they should be. Frank can’t be bothered maintaining either anymore.
Frank likes people, or at least he used to. Now, he is more suspicious of their intentions. The dog seems to pick up on those feelings because he’ll either frantically wag his tail or give a soft growl, depending on who approaches.
There are numerous people on the path today, some jogging, some on skateboards or bicycles, and some just walking like he is, as if they’re looking for something or someone.
Frank walks by the beggars and the homeless people who sit alongside the path asking passersby if they have any spare change. Frank always says no. He sees the same people asking the same question every day on his walk. A few don’t bother asking him anymore because they already know the answer. A few ask every day, as if they’ve never seen him before.
Frank continues walking along the path and stops at the bench in front of the playground that has numerous children playing. The playground is Frank’s favorite part of the park because the kids always seem so happy and carefree.
A small group of mothers are huddled together drinking coffee and talking among themselves while watching their kids play. But Frank knows some of them don’t always watch closely enough. A kid can be snatched in the blink of an eye.
Frank sits on the bench and watches the kids for a long time. He studies the mothers and tries to figure out which kids belong to which mother and what their lives might be like. Who is living their dream life and who is trapped in a loveless marriage, secretly plotting how they’re going to make their escape?
When his back starts to stiffen up, Frank gets up and starts his walk back home, but stops at the next bench along the path where he watches the homeless people. He knows they all have their reasons for being out on the street. Some have drug problems, some have mental health issues, and others have had a life-changing event that caused them to lose their way. Some of them caused their own problems, but some had their problems thrust upon them through no fault of their own. Frank knows both kinds, the victims and the perpetrators.
One young woman sitting about twenty paces from the other beggars catches his eye. She is probably in her mid-twenties, but she doesn’t seem as hardened as the other vagrants. Her face shows both hope and fear as she asks people for money as they walk by.
Frank watches her for a long time. She looks familiar, but he isn’t sure why. She has a big straw hat sitting in front of her holding the small amount of change that passersby have given her. The hat has a light blue ribbon around it with some writing on the front, but the writing has been scratched out, as if trying to eliminate any trace of it ever being there.
Frank turns his head to the side and squints his eyes to try to read what is written on the ribbon. “Katy”, that’s what the ribbon says. Frank takes a closer look at the woman and it all starts to come back to him. He’d always wondered what had happened to her.
He slowly gets up and shuffles his way toward the young woman. She watches him as he approaches. Frank’s dog is confused and looks at Frank for some kind of sign as to whether he should growl or wag his tail as they get closer to the woman.
“Do you have any spare change, sir?” she asks.
It is obvious she doesn’t recognize him. Frank doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his inside jacket pocket and feels for one of the envelopes that he always carries with him. There are numerous other envelopes just like it, hidden in places that only Frank and one other person knows about, but the other person will never tell.
As he walks by the young woman, Frank drops the envelope into her dirty sunhat.
“Thank you,” she says.
He’s worried that she might recognize his voice so he doesn’t respond, but just keeps walking and doesn’t look back.
This was not the first time that Frank and Katy had crossed paths.
March 31, 2020
The Brave and the Scared
As some of you are aware, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and is in the middle of her chemotherapy treatments. I am constantly reminded how brave she is and how scared I am. It’s hard to just sit on the sidelines and not do anything to help. In some ways, it parallels the fight against the global pandemic, where many of us are told that the best thing we can do is just stay home. This is a poem about those frustrations.
https://youtu.be/kRCjm6Gq9FI
https://youtu.be/kRCjm6Gq9FI
January 4, 2020
2019 Year in Review
2019 was a difficult year for me, both personally and in my writing. I prided myself in that I had released one new book for each of the last five years and I fully expected to release another book in 2019. Life got in the way and I never achieved that goal.
My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in August and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. In December, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given two to four weeks to live. She passed away just before Christmas.
I've always used writing as a form of self-therapy. It allows me to express my joys and fears in fictional stories that I probably wouldn't be able to say out loud otherwise. Only my close friends and family know how close to real life my fictional stories really are.
I did do some writing in 2019 and I was planning to release a new story called "Choices". It's the story of an older man who heads off to a Las Vegas nightclub called "Choices" to attend the 50th anniversary of his university graduating class. He soon discovers that this is not an ordinary nightclub because he starts having visions questioning all of the important choices he's made in his life. Should he have retired earlier? Should he have had children? Did he marry the right girl?
I quickly wrote the first five or six chapters and then stalled. I didn't know where I wanted to go with the story. Then life caused me to take the story to some very dark places, many of which I couldn't write down, even in a fictional sense. I have since recovered (somewhat) and hope to release the story within the next few weeks. We'll have to see if I actually deliver.
2019 wasn't a total "write-off". I still managed to sell some books and tried using AMS as a way to promote them (with limited success). At the end of the year, I managed to come out slightly ahead on the profit & loss statement.
In September, I was interviewed by VK Tritschler, an author from south Australia. She asked some good questions. If you're interested, here's a link to the interview: https://www.vktritschler.com/post/fro...
Ironically, my wife and I were supposed to visit Australia in 2019 but we had to cancel that trip due to her health. I'm sure we'll get there someday.
I also recorded several of my poems and short stories for a local radio station called "Voice of the Shuswap". It was a lot of fun and I'm planning to record an audio version of "Choices" within the next month.
Here's hoping for a much better 2020.
My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in August and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. In December, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given two to four weeks to live. She passed away just before Christmas.
I've always used writing as a form of self-therapy. It allows me to express my joys and fears in fictional stories that I probably wouldn't be able to say out loud otherwise. Only my close friends and family know how close to real life my fictional stories really are.
I did do some writing in 2019 and I was planning to release a new story called "Choices". It's the story of an older man who heads off to a Las Vegas nightclub called "Choices" to attend the 50th anniversary of his university graduating class. He soon discovers that this is not an ordinary nightclub because he starts having visions questioning all of the important choices he's made in his life. Should he have retired earlier? Should he have had children? Did he marry the right girl?
I quickly wrote the first five or six chapters and then stalled. I didn't know where I wanted to go with the story. Then life caused me to take the story to some very dark places, many of which I couldn't write down, even in a fictional sense. I have since recovered (somewhat) and hope to release the story within the next few weeks. We'll have to see if I actually deliver.
2019 wasn't a total "write-off". I still managed to sell some books and tried using AMS as a way to promote them (with limited success). At the end of the year, I managed to come out slightly ahead on the profit & loss statement.
In September, I was interviewed by VK Tritschler, an author from south Australia. She asked some good questions. If you're interested, here's a link to the interview: https://www.vktritschler.com/post/fro...
Ironically, my wife and I were supposed to visit Australia in 2019 but we had to cancel that trip due to her health. I'm sure we'll get there someday.
I also recorded several of my poems and short stories for a local radio station called "Voice of the Shuswap". It was a lot of fun and I'm planning to record an audio version of "Choices" within the next month.
Here's hoping for a much better 2020.
July 24, 2019
Choices - Chapter 6
Here I was back in the bathroom, crying like a teenage girl dealing with overactive hormones. Once again, I was fortunate to be alone. If anyone had witnessed my breakdown, I’m sure they would have dialed 9-1-1 and told them there was a crazy old man in the bathroom who looked like he was about to die. At this point, death seemed like a better alternative over what I was experiencing.
This night seemed to be turning into a cruel nightmare where I was being forced to re-evaluate all of the choices in life. Is this what it would be like when I did die and was standing at the pearly gates waiting for the verdict on my life? Just going through the test was pure hell. The verdict seemed like a forgone conclusion.
I decided I had to get out of this nightclub. When I exited the bathroom, I frantically looked for the exit. It was easy enough to find, but once again, there was Judy Prescott standing there smiling and greeting the guests entering the club.
She saw me this time, I’m sure of it, because her smile disappeared when we locked eyes. She started walking toward me. I briefly thought about manning up and facing her, but the fear won out and I turned and looked for another way out.
When I got to the back of the club, I saw the door to the next club being guarded by the bouncer who, I swear, was the same bouncer that I’d encountered twice already tonight. Logically, I knew it couldn’t be him. The same man couldn’t be guarding every exit in this juke joint, but things didn’t seem to following any kind of logic on this particular night.
He held up his hand to stop my progress and I knew there was no way I could push my way by him with his barrel chest and massive biceps. His posture softened when he saw the panic in my eyes.
“Are you okay, sir?”
“No, no I’m not.”
Rather than preventing me from passing, he reached down, turned the handle, and held the door open for me.
I suddenly found myself in what I assumed was the “Folk” club. This was also a huge club, but seemed to be set up in a much more intimate fashion. Wooden tables and chairs filled the middle of the room, with four small stages in each of the corners. A man who looked like a young version of Paul Simon was on the closest stage and he seemed to acknowledge my arrival as he started into his song, “Still Crazy After All These Years”.
I ducked my head and found a table on the far side of the room that was as far away from any other people as possible and plopped down in one of the chairs. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the world and what was happening to me. It seemed to work as I could feel my breathing and heart rate return to more normal levels.
Suddenly, I could feel the presence of someone. I was expecting it to be one of the waitresses who had come over to take my drink order. I slowly opened my eyes.
Standing in front of me with her hands on her hips stood Judy Prescott. “I think you owe me an apology.”
“I’m sorry I avoided you, Judy. I did see you in the other club, but I just had to get out of there.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “That’s not what I meant and you know it!”
She was right. I did owe her an apology, but not for my most recent slight. It was actually for something that had happened almost fifty years earlier, or more accurately, what hadn’t happened.
We’d dated exclusively for the last two years of university and everyone assumed we’d be getting married within a few years. Judy had planned to take a few months holiday after graduation and travel through Europe. Her family had money and she could easily afford it. Me, not so much, so I had to find a job.
But then I got a lucky break when the company I had worked for on one of my university work terms made me a very generous offer. They wanted to send me to Switzerland for three months to work on a software project for an international bank and then move me to London, England to manage other similar projects in Europe thereafter.
It was a dream assignment and it fit perfectly within our plans. Judy would be able to travel throughout Europe and see me on weekends, or more, if possible. I’d be working at a great job and getting well paid to do so, enough that I could start paying off my huge student debt. After that, we’d both move to London and begin our lives together.
We booked our flights and planned to meet at the airport with all of our stuff to begin our life together. Except I didn’t show.
I hung my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it anymore. I need an explanation.”
She was right. I owed her at least that much. Except I’m not sure I understood it myself.
I pulled out a chair and invited Judy to sit down.
“I got scared,” I said.
“Scared of me?”
“No, not of you, exactly.” But that wasn’t entirely accurate. “Maybe a little bit.”
“What were you afraid of?”
I averted her eyes. “Everything.”
“But wasn’t it all everything you wanted? The job, the travel…..me?”
“Yes, I thought so, but it all seemed to be happening so fast.”
She still looked pissed, but she unfolded her arms. “But it could have been so good.”
I could see she still felt the pain I’d inflicted, even after all these years. I tried to explain. “I know it probably would have, but I don’t have your confidence. You’re a risk taker, you always have been. Look at this monstrous new club you’ve just opened. It’s going to be a success because you’re confident it will be. But me, I’m a worrier. Back then, I started thinking about what would happen if I didn’t like the job, or didn’t like living in Europe. I didn’t want to risk letting people down. I love Canada and I’d always assumed that’s where I’d be spending my whole life. Suddenly, I felt like I was being uprooted.”
“So it was the move and the job that scared you off?”
She locked in on my eyes, but I had to look away. “Not entirely. I was a little afraid of us as well.”
“So when did you reach this epiphany?”
“The night before we were supposed to leave. My boss called me to wish me bon voyage and that’s when I told him I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.”
“I bet he was pissed.”
“Not really. He said he had no shortage of candidates who would jump at the opportunity. He said if I didn’t want to take the position in Switzerland, I could work in the Ottawa office or head out to help start a new branch in Saskatchewan.”
Judy raised an eyebrow. “Who in their right mind would choose Saskatchewan over Switzerland?”
That’s when I realized I was still crazy, even after all these years. “I would.”
This night seemed to be turning into a cruel nightmare where I was being forced to re-evaluate all of the choices in life. Is this what it would be like when I did die and was standing at the pearly gates waiting for the verdict on my life? Just going through the test was pure hell. The verdict seemed like a forgone conclusion.
I decided I had to get out of this nightclub. When I exited the bathroom, I frantically looked for the exit. It was easy enough to find, but once again, there was Judy Prescott standing there smiling and greeting the guests entering the club.
She saw me this time, I’m sure of it, because her smile disappeared when we locked eyes. She started walking toward me. I briefly thought about manning up and facing her, but the fear won out and I turned and looked for another way out.
When I got to the back of the club, I saw the door to the next club being guarded by the bouncer who, I swear, was the same bouncer that I’d encountered twice already tonight. Logically, I knew it couldn’t be him. The same man couldn’t be guarding every exit in this juke joint, but things didn’t seem to following any kind of logic on this particular night.
He held up his hand to stop my progress and I knew there was no way I could push my way by him with his barrel chest and massive biceps. His posture softened when he saw the panic in my eyes.
“Are you okay, sir?”
“No, no I’m not.”
Rather than preventing me from passing, he reached down, turned the handle, and held the door open for me.
I suddenly found myself in what I assumed was the “Folk” club. This was also a huge club, but seemed to be set up in a much more intimate fashion. Wooden tables and chairs filled the middle of the room, with four small stages in each of the corners. A man who looked like a young version of Paul Simon was on the closest stage and he seemed to acknowledge my arrival as he started into his song, “Still Crazy After All These Years”.
I ducked my head and found a table on the far side of the room that was as far away from any other people as possible and plopped down in one of the chairs. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the world and what was happening to me. It seemed to work as I could feel my breathing and heart rate return to more normal levels.
Suddenly, I could feel the presence of someone. I was expecting it to be one of the waitresses who had come over to take my drink order. I slowly opened my eyes.
Standing in front of me with her hands on her hips stood Judy Prescott. “I think you owe me an apology.”
“I’m sorry I avoided you, Judy. I did see you in the other club, but I just had to get out of there.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “That’s not what I meant and you know it!”
She was right. I did owe her an apology, but not for my most recent slight. It was actually for something that had happened almost fifty years earlier, or more accurately, what hadn’t happened.
We’d dated exclusively for the last two years of university and everyone assumed we’d be getting married within a few years. Judy had planned to take a few months holiday after graduation and travel through Europe. Her family had money and she could easily afford it. Me, not so much, so I had to find a job.
But then I got a lucky break when the company I had worked for on one of my university work terms made me a very generous offer. They wanted to send me to Switzerland for three months to work on a software project for an international bank and then move me to London, England to manage other similar projects in Europe thereafter.
It was a dream assignment and it fit perfectly within our plans. Judy would be able to travel throughout Europe and see me on weekends, or more, if possible. I’d be working at a great job and getting well paid to do so, enough that I could start paying off my huge student debt. After that, we’d both move to London and begin our lives together.
We booked our flights and planned to meet at the airport with all of our stuff to begin our life together. Except I didn’t show.
I hung my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it anymore. I need an explanation.”
She was right. I owed her at least that much. Except I’m not sure I understood it myself.
I pulled out a chair and invited Judy to sit down.
“I got scared,” I said.
“Scared of me?”
“No, not of you, exactly.” But that wasn’t entirely accurate. “Maybe a little bit.”
“What were you afraid of?”
I averted her eyes. “Everything.”
“But wasn’t it all everything you wanted? The job, the travel…..me?”
“Yes, I thought so, but it all seemed to be happening so fast.”
She still looked pissed, but she unfolded her arms. “But it could have been so good.”
I could see she still felt the pain I’d inflicted, even after all these years. I tried to explain. “I know it probably would have, but I don’t have your confidence. You’re a risk taker, you always have been. Look at this monstrous new club you’ve just opened. It’s going to be a success because you’re confident it will be. But me, I’m a worrier. Back then, I started thinking about what would happen if I didn’t like the job, or didn’t like living in Europe. I didn’t want to risk letting people down. I love Canada and I’d always assumed that’s where I’d be spending my whole life. Suddenly, I felt like I was being uprooted.”
“So it was the move and the job that scared you off?”
She locked in on my eyes, but I had to look away. “Not entirely. I was a little afraid of us as well.”
“So when did you reach this epiphany?”
“The night before we were supposed to leave. My boss called me to wish me bon voyage and that’s when I told him I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.”
“I bet he was pissed.”
“Not really. He said he had no shortage of candidates who would jump at the opportunity. He said if I didn’t want to take the position in Switzerland, I could work in the Ottawa office or head out to help start a new branch in Saskatchewan.”
Judy raised an eyebrow. “Who in their right mind would choose Saskatchewan over Switzerland?”
That’s when I realized I was still crazy, even after all these years. “I would.”
