M. Price's Blog: Jhaegar Holdburn's (and M. Price's) Movie Reviews (Cuz Why Should We Settle just for Books?), page 2

Prince of Darkness by John Carpenter

PRINCE OF DARKNESS
by John Carpenter
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Have I done a Carpenter yet (haha not THOSE Carpenters, I think my Mom likes them (but who cares who she likes (after all, she likes Barry Manilow (then again, I like Barry Manilow, too (like, what do people like that do, he's not still performing, is he? (Wait, was there a Barry Manilow song that played in another John Carpenter film (I swear to Liz I've already reviewed something by him (I try not to double review myself (my FILMMAKERS I guess (well, not MY filmmakers (but I just feel it looks like I don't know enough people (ya know, like I can't name ten female directors? That old thing, well guess what (Agnes Varda, Julia Ducournau, Kelly Reichardt, Lulu Wang, Greta Gerwig, Lynne Ramsay, Kathryn Bigelow, Claire Denis, Chantal Akerman, Josephine Decker, Jane Campion, Sofia Coppola, and that lady Hitler got to make all his propaganda (cuz say what you want about Hitler, he was looking out for gender equality (you know the story, right (I sure do (I just wish I knew which other story John Carpenter did (did you know he has a music band (well, all bands are "music" bands (well, not all of them (there's war bands, too (war parties ("War Pigs" is a song by another band (Oh piss! Wasn't that guy in this movie (Ya know? The homeless guy turned possessed servant of Satan (though I'm sure most people thought he was a servant of Satan to begin with (I miss Satan (Halloween's tomorrow night (I wonder who she'll dress up (Does she wear a costume over her costume (Or just change skin (Does that imply she changes her form, her being, her very cosmic substance depending upon what she's wearing?

Four Stars out of Four

Titane by Julia Ducournau

TITANE
by Julia Ducournau
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

No, I'm not just reviewing this cuz I have "Doing It To Death" stuck in my head, but it would definitely be on my, "Sexy Time" Playlist, provided I'll ever get to even use my, "Sexy Time" Playlist, bringing to light an important question as to whether my, "Sexy Time" Playlist even exists, but I'm just so much more tender than everyone else, aren't I? Like, would you rather kiss to "Doing It To Death" or some garbo Lil Nas X song or whatever Normies listen to? Or! Just silence! That's always nice! Like I always go to the effort to make music or find it even and then they're just like, "No, I'm okay," thanks for asking if I'm okay. I feel like I'd be a good erotic dancer. And you know what they do with their boyfriends? Listen to Lil Nas X! Like hey! It's okay for them but not for me (not an Incel) someone (some hypergamy lady) said Jordan Peterson was the King of the Incels, like, we don't claim him! (Provided I'm even a part of this "we" which I'm definitely not) cuz it's like his own main point against his critics ACTUALLY WORKS AGAINST HIMSELF like how has no one else ever noticed that? How has no one noticed that he defeats himself every time he oh my god the song just changed. They have other songs? Why are bands' other songs never as good? Is it really that hard to be consistent? And movies, too, for the most part. At least Garance Marillier was in it against, jumpin' Christ she's like the only person I've ever seen depict drunkenness correctly, like has no one else ever drank before? I'm thinking about warm tortillas in a pink, clay container. The yeastiness? The warm, crumbleness? Did the song bring me here or Garance? Will I ever know? Will I ever pronounce her name? I just learned how to pronounce "Ducournau" and I'm disappointed. Everything's such a pissing disappointment...

Four Stars out of Four (even though Raw was better)

The Rings of Black Power

LETTER TO THE EDITOR
by Tiresias "Rooz" Roosevelt

Ah yes, Sanctimonious Shame Season is upon us yet again...

If you find yourself to be one of the unfortunate souls trapped by online shopping's psychologically, predatory clutches, you have by now no doubt seen televised advertisements as well as colorfully decorated packages informing you of the arrival of Amazon's The Rings of Power. To those fortunate souls who have yet to hear these glad tidings, be woefully informed that The Rings of Power serves as Amazon's...well..."re-imagining" of J. R. R. Tolkien's fantasy world described in The Lord of the Rings.

"Re-imagining" is a rather generous word here...

Amazon acts as the latest company to ride on the recent trend of forcing Blacks to slurp up White folks' "Sloppy Seconds" (I apologize for the crude usage of that term (I also apologize for using Jhaegar's parenthesis)) and...damn you, Jhaegar! I've lost my--I have lost my--ya know? Huh?

But yeah, so like, I don't get why companies are still so hyped about this nonsense. And why is it always Black people, huh? We need to have Black elves and Black dwarves to show diversity, but where are the Asian elves and the Middle Eastern dwarves? Ya know? Like, they do realize the Black community isn't the only community around, right? And have they even read the books? There's literally other parts of the fantasy world that has "minorities" like Harad or Rhun or whever the Corsairs are--Umbar! They're from Umbar! If you wanna show diversity, just have a Harad warrior star in it or something, it wouldn't be that hard. What? It's now White men's (white men's) fault that the main region's based off of ancient Europe? Well, I don't think--think--stop, no stop please stop oh my pissing heeeeee...

...Leave this place. Yes, ah. Correct...

As I was saying. In the supposed interests of showing that, "Race does not matter," Amazon has thrown out the Nordic and English cultural sanctity of their show's source material. Well, if Race TRULY did not matter, then why do they not make a show about Zulu warriors and have Shaka Zulu played by a White man? Or why do they not make a show about Feudal Japan and have Tokugawa Ieyasu played by a Native American man? Would it be, "Too Weird," or, "Too Controversial?" I thought, "Race did not matter," but it appears the only Race that "did not matter" was the White race as they are the only ones that ever seem to be displaced by others. Otherwise, please tell me: Where is my Jewish Attila the Hun? Where is my Mexican Gandhi? My Japanese Valkyries and my Norwegian Samurai? You mean to tell me it is strange to add people who are not geographically or temporally relevant to a story?

Amazon did not add Black people to The Lord of the Rings for diversity's sake, they did it so they could accuse their viewerbase of racism once they came out and critiqued the show so Amazon may finally come out and virtue signal to the rest of the world that they are the "Good Guys" and everyone else are the "Bad Guys." Granted, Amazon barely allows their factory workers to take bathroom breaks, but at least they have a Black elf!

Yet, the tragedy of this tale is not corporate greed or social corruption...it is the sad truth that most people will fall for Amazon's trick. That most people are too psychologically weak to muster any defense against the overstimulating mental assaults of daily life in the Contemporary Era. Those who bring the world truth, such as myself, are slandered as maniacs or radicals because they want to slander YOU as a maniac and radical. It is the only means of numbing you into a submission deep enough to enjoy The Rings of Power.

Jhaegar Holdburn's (and M. Price's) Movie Reviews (Cuz Why Should We Settle just for Books?) by Jhaegar Holdburn (M. Price)

JHAEGAR HOLDBURN'S (AND M. PRICE'S) MOVIE REVIEWS (CUZ WHY SHOULD WE SETTLE JUST FOR BOOKS?)
by Jhaegar Holdburn (M. Price)
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn (M. Price?))

Do you guys even like these? Are you guys? Are you anyone?

What?

Vampyr by Carl Th. Dreyer

VAMPYR
by Carl Th. Dreyer
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Ya know, I'm not afraid to admit I don't know how to like...say his name? Is that the proper word, "Say?" Like, I know his middle name's Theodore, but it's always Th. Does that mean I'm supposed to say, "Carl Theodore Dreyer," or, "Carl Tee Ache Dreyer," or, "Carl Thhhe Dreyer," or like actually why? Why is this actually hard?

But yeah, the movie. It kind of struck me as weird the first time I saw this film cuz the main power shot of the film (the vampire in the hat--or the shadow, I guess--maybe?--holding the scythe and it's real ominous and) and it comes so early in the film--like within fifteen minutes, I think? And it's like, "Whoa dude, ("Whoa, take it easy, man") give us some time to breathe and--ya know?" But is that necessarily Th.'s fault cuz it's not like he designated what shot from his film would become iconic? Then again, he kind of did by making that the most memorable and haunting shot by--cuz the later shot's are nice, but not AS nice or impactful cuz by that time, the pace's been ruined by this sort of...

See? It's hard to even grasp the film cuz the pace is thrown off so quickly...but it's not thrown off due to any fault of Th., but due to the preconceived notions the audience has of the film cuz if anyone has ever heard of Vampyr then they've seen The Shot cuz it's literally always The Shot and when it arrives so quickly we automatically think to ourselves, "That's it?"

I heard Marlon Brando was a lot like that...different reasons, though...

And when people include vampires in their dumpy horror scrips and list them as "vampyrs," like, go to Hell. Like, actually. Just die. I'm well aware I'm edgy ("edgy") but I at least have enough self-awareness to realize it. You won't see no vampyrs from Jumpin' Jh. Holdburn, now will ya?!?!

Two and a Half (Oh, is this my first needlessly subjective half-star score?) out of Four

Battleship Potemkin by Sergei Eisenstein

BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN
by Sergei Eisenstein
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

Roger Ebert is cool, but kinda also a narc sometimes. He said something like he wouldn't add this film to his Top 10 to pretend to be intelligent--I don't know, something like that, don't look at me, I'm not intelligent either--and honestly, this film's nuts. Like, edge of your seat nuts, even though it's a silent film from the 20s.

It's just the Hype Factor. The way they parallel the generic, "All for One, One for All," social revolution on the ship phrasing with the final battle (well, ALMOST battle) message of, "ALL AGAINST ONE, ONE AGAINST ALL," in all caps to make MF DOOM proud is mind blowing. The workers on the ship basically starting the first hashtag with the borsch is unironically endearing. And the Stairs of Odessa? Come on. Yes, I know it's part of any generic Film Study, but just cuz it's studied a bunch, doesn't mean it's lame.

I think people hate on this film just cuz it's cool to hate on it, kinda like hating on Citizen Kane or Vertigo (which is fair, though, cuz everyone should hate on Vertigo) I had a "friend" in college who had a Vertigo poster in his room cuz he was "Mr. Mid-Century Modern" and one of our other friends actually had vertigo and he'd always be like, "Watch out, man! Don't look at my poster!" and it was a grand ol' time. He didn't even push him down the stairs in a baby cart. Baby Kart of Doom, isn't that a movie? Probably "Cart," not "Kart," cuz this isn't some Tinder wasteland. Haven't I talked about this stuff before?

But it was probably a Rickshaw, wasn't it? Cuz Japan (well, Feudal Japan, I understand they don't much use rickshaws now)? What am I even--Roger Ebert's wrong sometimes, okay?!?!

Four Stars out of Four
#ForASpoonfulOfBorsch

Synecdoche, New York by Charlie Kaufman

SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK
by Charlie Kaufman
(review by no no no no no no no)

You're making me review THIS?

...

...

Don't ever watch it.

Les Abysses by Nico Papatakis

LES ABYSSES
by Nico Papatakis
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

This film is rather prevalent--no, prescient? It's prescient, that's the one, cuz it's like predictatory or something I think of our lives now. Ya know? 2Pac and the whole, "One day the rich are gonna be so fat and juicy and the poor people will be so hungry that they'll become a giant black hole and swallow them all up," kind of thing? I don't know, I like all the screaming.

Ya know, speaking of screams...

GLORIA MUNDI
still by Nico (or Nikos) Papatakis (always Papatakis)
(review still by Jhaegar Holdburn)

What is art? What is reality? (What's more real than dreams?) And at what point does everything just intersect? Was Papatakis really inserting himself into his work to mirror his personal artistic rebellion against his timely social oppressors? And why does Cannes protest like basically everything? Like, they'll let Titane slide (no offense to Titane, I'm sure I'll review and/or worship Julia Ducournau later), but they're always so up in arms about the most random things. What will they be up in arms about next?

(The Please Feel Bad I'm Dead Major Motion Picture)

I wish people could just do their thing and have no one bug 'em. But yuppy buppy morons always claim they're dangerous, willfully ignorant to the quantifiable ways Disney Pixar has damaged our children's attention spans and how Disney Marvel (hmm, lot of Disney here, huh?) continues to numb moviegoers' processing power. Oh well. What do I (or Nico (Nikos) and Julia) Nau about anything?

Four Stars out of Four

F@#king Boyhood by Richard Linklater

GARBAGE TRASH
by Someone Who Should Know Better
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

To be honest, I've never been so infuriated by a single film as I was by Boyhood, like did you actually think I'm mentally ill? The pretension! The pandering! Argh! Ya know, my life really wasn't complete until I could watch two yuppy kid play Halo while their deadbeat Dad pokes his head through the door to say some shallow jibber jabber like, "Hey, like, life is pretty crazy, but like, also pretty beautiful, man."

Oh my jumpin' Christ on a croissant, and he makes him a pissing photographer? Yes, I understand finding the right light can be difficult, but a PHOTOGRAPHER?!? "Flunk me," can it get any worse? Where's his Supreme hoodie? Where's the scene where he listens to Alt-J? Wait...they listen to Vampire Weekend?

Aw, Flunk ME!!!

Is there an even longer, even more pointless director's cut? I thought Linklater was smart--I mean this is the dude who gave us Dazed and Confused, like come on, dude. And Ethan! You're also better than this, why didn't you keep your friend in line?

True story: when I first saw this whilst evading my own youth, I was so enraged by it that I--okay, so at this point in my life I would never quit on a film--I'd always watch it all through no matter what--but here we are two hours in and I'm like, "It has to be ending soon, right? I mean, he literally can't drag this out anymore," and I checked the time and there was still like an hour left and for like the first time--a "first" that became a first of many--I quit...

...Until it made me SO mad, so righteously furious that I felt I didn't even deserve the--the--I couldn't even complain properly if I hadn't seen the whole atrocity, so I went back and forced myself to finish it and ya know what? It just...got...WORSE...

Of course, everyone else who saw it must be a fan of Halo, that or they've been hit in the head with a cast iron skillet (two qualities of a person that actually go hand in hand once I think about it) and everyone who--I--just forget it. You probably thought it was great, too.

What the f@#k, Richard?!?!?

Ran by Akira Kurosawa

RAN
by Akira Kurosawa
(review by Jhaegar Holdburn)

I always thought the Chosokabe Clan sounded like the Chocobo Clan and would get really excited as a kid...well, not really--I actually didn't know about Chocobos until much later in life, but the temporal, uh, ya know? I'm still holding on to be Tifa's Pack Chosokabe, but it's a reality I'll likely never reach.

But yeah, Kurosawa really made some late career bangers. I think the main issue with some of his later work, though, is that when the clan-whatever-turncoat-strike happens and the rest of the nations turn against you then you basically get steamrolled cuz I like having great archers, right? But...oh piss, I think the other Clan got the warrior archers? The, uh--the, uh--the Uesugi got the good archers and cuz they're always still alive for the turncoat thing their archers have longer range than mine so I get wrecked--well, not "wrecked," but I'm put into the corner of having to learn to play and not just using archers.

Some players use the matchlocks and European imports, but ya know..."A Shamefu Dispway!" and I don't want that, not me, man, if I'm gonna be Shogun, I'm gonna be a good one. Of course, it's raining, two. "Too," I mean. Jumpin' Christ, I'm so stupid. You should kill yourself, Jhaegar, hang yourself by your stupid pissing foot, but like I said, the Chocobo Clan's really good. I never played the other ones cuz I couldn't afford them, cuz so-called-self-actualization deemed I wasn't allowed to afford them, I could only afford other things. What was even wrong with it in the first place? Jehovah's my Witness. It's raining again. I wanna go outside but I'm hanging myself. Don t you ever feel that way. Do I. ever you see what 'Im talk ng about. do u c everything everything everyting raning again Tifa's PACK Chocoboo I wish boo boo gravel im gone gone the Shamefu Chocoboo is on Dispway for Tifa to hate me

they hate me

they hate me

hey ate e

s udy our Insta fam pictures

Shamefu Dispway

10/10 Twuwy A Shamefu Dispway