Alexis Rose's Blog, page 41

Continue the Journey

Watching from a majestic perch

the eagle nudges me to continue the journey.

Reminding me to spread hope for

freedom, peace, and love to all.

Today, I will be marching with that hope.

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©words and photo: Alexis Rose

Two Roses

Two roses stand strong

within their protective thorns.

Entwined by years of friendship 

they share secrets, thoughts, laughter and tears.

They sway with the whispering breeze

as they bloom and grow.

Mesmerizing all with the wisdom of their ageless beauty. 

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©Alexis Rose; image: pexels.com

 

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

Finding the Volume of My Voice

I attended a luncheon last Fall for trauma survivors. There were ten amazing women aged 20-69 who sat together and shared (as much as we were comfortable) our experiences, talked about our healing and learned about trauma-informed leadership. Most of us didn’t know each other, and the facilitator made it a safe, respectful and comfortable environment.  We each had up to three minutes at the beginning to stand up, introduce ourselves, share what we wanted about our story and talk about what we would like to bring to the survivor community in any form of advocacy.

At the end of the luncheon, the facilitator asked us to write on a sticky note what we wanted to do for other survivors after what we had learned that day. I wrote, I want to find the volume of my voice.

 

Last month I was invited to be on a television show where a panel of women would be asking me questions about living with PTSD. At the end of the segment, there would be call-in opportunities for people with questions. I have no aspirations to be on television, nor did I feel comfortable being interviewed by a group and take call-in questions. I’m confident in my message, but something about that opportunity had me feeling uncomfortable. I love speaking to groups, and love answering questions when my talk is finished, but this somehow felt different to me. I can’t really put it into words, but the tone of the program and how I would be using my “voice” seemed different. So I turned it down. I felt really bad, but I had to listen to my gut.

Next week, I’m invited to a guest on a radio show with another woman, whom I deeply respect. At first, the host asked us to talk about the topic of domestic abuse, which I have no experience with, so I turned it down. The host changed the topic. I’m going to talk about overcoming traumatic experiences, the other guest will talk about preventing sexual assault.  At the end of the taping, a high school student will ask us three questions. This felt really good to me. This is how I want to use my voice, and the bonus of a high school student asking questions is icing on the cake. The only thing I was a bit worried about, is that they are also going to be taping it as a video and putting it on I-tunes as a podcast. My first panic was, I don’t wear makeup, I’ll look like a ghost! But the host reassured me that all will be fine, so I’m trying really, really hard to let go of that!

In February, I was invited to be a panel member of a self-care, self-love summit. Wow, I was surprised and flattered to be asked to be part of this because this is a huge issue for me. I’m not a professional coach or therapist whose job it is to teach clients how to have self-love. I’m the person who struggles with it. It will give the summit a different perspective, and although that makes me a bit nervous, it is a wonderful opportunity that feels really good to me.

As I find myself getting involved in more opportunities where I’m in a position of speaking my truth, writing honestly and openly on this blog, and trying to live a more authentic life I’m struck by the notion that I need to control the volume that I want for my voice. I literally went from hiding in the shadows, to sometimes being front and center.

I have learned a lot this past year. I’ve learned what I will and won’t do as far as speaking engagements, book signings, writing opportunities and advocacy work. I let myself use this past year as a learning experience and rarely turned anything or anyone down. I’ve been very fortunate in the opportunities that come my way, and I’m grateful for the enormous support I’ve received.

I don’t have aspirations to be a big voice in the world of mental health support/advocacy. I feel that my low, steady volume is what suits me the best. I’m a believer that a ripple is what affects the change. I want to continue to be the ripple. I want to continue to be accessible to those who contact me through email, my blog, my facebook page, and through reading Untangled.

I believe I found the volume of my voice. I don’t know if it will change, maybe it will increase slightly, maybe not. But I know for sure, my voice will never be silenced again.

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photo: pixabay

 

 

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

Trust the Journey

She connects with the world

through her heart. Tending to one

flower, one smile, one child at a time.

As she walks through the woods

the trees remind her to find

peace and trust the journey.

 

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©Of Earth and Sky by Alexis Rose, photographer: Shelley Bauer

 

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

Pitching a Movie Idea with a Beginners Mind

Beginners Mind refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, staying full of curiosity and wonder.

I have tried and been fairly successful with staying in a beginners mind when it came to writing, publishing, and marketing my books. Especially with Untangled. Not only because it’s my memoir, but because I understood the gratitude I would feel each time someone purchased the book and read it. It’s been sixteen months since Untangled has been published. Not only do I feel gratitude at the way the book has grown legs, but I feel extremely humbled by the feedback I receive from readers. My hope is that the book continues to reach more people every day.

When I decided to self-publish Untangled, it was because I wanted control of the voice in my book, I wanted all the rights and I wasn’t willing to bend on any of that. I worked closely with my editor to make sure that happened, contentious moments sometimes spent over a word. My editor was doing her job, and I was stubborn, but also learned that part of this process is to be flexible and listen. I read, went to workshops, consulted with experts on what is the best way to market my book and what platform I should use to publish it. I listened to many ideas, and let go of the one’s didn’t resonate with me. With each statement of how hard it is to get a book into readers hands, I simply said, “why wouldn’t people want to read this book?” I kept an attitude of openness, I was eager to market the book in a way that I could handle and to this day I am in wonder at how well it sells.

For the past five months, my collaborating partner and I have worked on a (treatment? pitch? screenplay outline?) for a movie loosely based on Untangled. It keeps the heart of the book, we see her dealing with, living, surviving and trying to thrive with her PTSD, but the movie form is an intense thriller taking place across both the United States and many parts of the world. It’s different, exciting and of course, has a great ending.

We have been extremely fortunate that people have taken an interest in our movie. We have had two meetings and will have another one today. We have been lucky that people have been willing to say, I know the assistant to the person (who produces all the ____ movies). Maybe, that assistant will talk to his boss, maybe not. What matters to us, is that people have taken an active interest and continued to cheer us on, as we worked diligently to create something interesting, exciting and inspirational.

Yesterday, driving home from a meeting, after hearing the business side of movie making, next steps to take, and the prohibitive costs of having something to pitch, it could have been a sobering, throw in the towel experience.  My partner looked at me, and said,” We are so lucky that we have a beginners mind. We can do this, there are a lot of ways to go about this, we aren’t in the business and haven’t been jaded, and we aren’t afraid to hear, no.” We have a great concept, a great detailed movie outline; literally, someone can read our 50 pages, plus the character outline and see the movie come to life. Someone will say yes, and someone will option to make this film.

My partner and I have an attitude of openness, eagerness, staying full of curiosity and wonder as we continue to try and make contacts. Will it be a lot of work? I hope so! This passionate project has already been a lot of work, and we are committed to sharing the message that no matter what happens to a person (a real-life person), even if they live with sometimes debilitating PTSD, they can get help, and have a life. There is no sugar coating in our movie, but just like Alexis in real life, there is a resiliency and stubborn hopefulness that leaves the audience feeling resolved after a wild and thrilling ride.

We will continue to try to stay in our Beginners Mind as we pitch this movie. Look for it on a screen near you…it’s going to happen…why not?

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[image error]Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

 

 

Mental Health Writer’s Guild

I’m proud to be a member of the Mental Health Writer’s Guild again this year both as a member author and a member blogger. You can follow Mental Health Writers Guild blog at https://mentalhealthwritersguild.word...

You will find interesting posts from Kevin, guest posts and links to both mental health authors and bloggers.

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They

They took my innocence at such a young age that I dreamed of climbing an apple tree and live like the squirrels.

They took my safety at such a young age that I wanted to live alone by a lake surrounded by cliffs so no one could find me, ever!

They took my choice to have my own interests at such a young age that I cringed when it came time for learning.  

They took my esteem and infused it with shame, humiliation, and embarrassment at such a young age that I wanted to become and often felt invisible.

They took all those innate things away at such a young age that my ability to have trust, faith, security, self-esteem, hope or “person-ness” was stripped away.

Until it wasn’t!

Now “They” don’t have the power over me they used to have.

Yes, there are effects that resulted from all the trauma, but I can and do actively get help to work through them. 

I don’t dream of living like a squirrel hidden high in a tree. Now I dream of living in a beautiful beach house on the ocean, in Tahiti, surrounded by family and close friends. Tahiti, ahh, Why not? It’s my dream.

I love learning. The more I learn the happier I am. In fact, I can be quite the trivia aficionado. Why not? It’s not so serious and there is nothing political about it.

I don’t venture down the shame spiral very often. And when I do, because a lot of us do, I reach out to supportive people in my life who get it and stop the shame cycle.

I have learned to trust (most of the time), I have a sense of my spiritual self, lots of hope and my person-ness is back. Never to be stripped away again.

“They” will never take my power or my truth away from me…ever again!

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

Monday Mantra

Your inner beauty, your strengths

and your talent

Far outweigh any deficits

you   may have. 

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©words/photo: Alexis Rose

 

[image error]Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

Adventures of Yesterday

Adventures of yesterday

are the shadows that promise

there is light just beyond

the curve. [image error]

©Alexis Rose, photo: Shelley Bauer

Shelley is a dear friend and collaborator of mine. Please follow her new photography blog:  http://www.touchingbutterflies.com/

 

 

 

[image error]

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856

Emerging from the Shadows

Over the weekend, someone asked me if I was happier now than I was eight years ago when my PTSD took over my life. I was surprised when my answer without thought was, “no, I’m not happier.” The answer stopped me in my tracks. I have worked my ass off to find some semblance of health these past years. I have gone from having a repressed, all dark past, to a congruent timeline with all puzzle pieces filled in. I know the who, why, when, how-the-heck these things could happen, all of it. I know the big picture and the minutiae. But I had mistakenly thought that my PTSD would be gone, (like my cancer was gone after treatment) cured, and I would be skipping back to work with no lingering symptoms. No one put that in my head but me. My symptoms are still active, and that’s the way it is right now. PTSD has left me with a disability. Is it forever? I don’t know, but it’s right now, and that doesn’t make me feel happy.

But…I feel a sense of contentment! I emerged from the shadows.

Eight years ago, I had a life with no past. I was a high-functioning trauma victim whose symptoms were coming out sideways in the form of perfectionism, control, drama, being everyone’s friend, super-mom, super-worker, super-wife, super-happy, let’s go on a road-trip and never stop until I come down with some bizarre physical illness that puts me in the hospital person. Whew, I have to shake off the frenetic energy just writing that.

My life turned upside down because of my post-traumatic stress disorder and I had to decide, both consciously and unconsciously to heal, to change, or I would most probably die. It’s a sobering thought as I sit down to write this, but it was true. One day, very early on in therapy, my therapist and I were discussing the book The Alchemist, and he asked me to go home and think about what I wanted my personal legend to be and report back next session. I took that homework very seriously, and I decided that my personal legend was to know the entire truth of my past, live with my eyes wide open, blinders off. To continually operate in a place of self-discovery, growth, and change.

I know the definition of my life’s purpose is who I want to be. I know I’m the author of my own story, and I get to choose how I want to be in the world. At this point in my life, it’s about choices and being proactive rather than reactive. It’s about aligning my personal values and beliefs with my actions and words while maintaining my integrity.

At the beginning of my endeavor it often looked like a question/answer session. What does it mean to live life with my eyes wide open? Is it about knowing and accepting the past without forgetting it, so I can become my version of complete? Or is it a metamorphosis of who I was, who I am and who I will be? Maybe it’s all three. As I think about how I want to spend my life and who I want to be, I am guided by a more mature and spiritual self because of the time I spent in therapy, meditation, growth and self-reflection.

I love that we live in a time where self-discovery is an accepted way of life. I spent so much time in fear and hiding, squelching any dream of a life lived, only a life survived. Now, most times, I am able to live, speak, listen and learn from a place of safety and truth. Discovering the wonder and accepting of life and what it has to offer. Not getting in the way of who I am, but instead letting myself be who I am, without my ego reminding me of the should haves, did nots, or can nots.

Self-discovery also comes with the knowledge that the truth often hurts and is uncomfortable on many levels including physical, spiritual, emotional and mental. There were times when I would begin processing a memory and I had to fight not to ignore it, or repress it again. I learned that by repressing what I had painfully remembered was making a choice to live in fear. If I wanted to live my life’s purpose, I had to begin to learn to forget how to forget. It wasn’t an easy path or the path of least resistance, but it was the only way I could see to begin to create the life I wanted.

My PTSD was the catalyst of change for me. I had to face certain truths about myself and was forced to look at the direction my life was going. Was I going to continue to allow my perpetrators to define who I am and how I live my life? Or do I find the strength to uncover who I really am at my core and how I want to live my life moving forward?  My illness gave me the choice to put my foot down and say, “enough is enough. I am not going to ride the tide of fortune and misfortune anymore. I’m going to make different choices because I have the power to do so.”

It’s been a very painful, yet purposeful journey the past eight years. I am resolute on my goal of living with my eyes wide open, blinders off. To continually operate in a place of self-discovery, growth, and change.  Emerging from the shadows helped me create and restructure my life’s purpose. Choosing who I want to be is a life-long, ever changing, non-linear journey.

Did it leave me happy? Nope, I’m not happy that I’m still disabled by many symptoms that still have a firm chokehold on me.  But I’m content that I know the truth of my life. I’m content that I can choose to live my life with authentic feelings, have hopes, dreams, desires and less shame and fear. I’m content that I can feel happiness and recognize the perfect moments in a day but I don’t get attached and crave their permanence.

I’m empowered that I emerged from the shadows. Maybe for me, that’s where I need to be right now. Content and Empowered.

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photo:pixabay

 

 

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222

https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856