Alexis Rose's Blog, page 38
March 24, 2017
I’m Not Flying Solo
It may look as if I’m flying solo
but I’m remembering to lean
into the wind, find comfort
in the safety of the clouds
and soar into the shadow light of the sky.
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© Of Earth and Sky, collaboration: Alexis Rose, photographer: Shelley Bauer
Thank You for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 21, 2017
Radical Acceptance
Before writing this post, I came across many definitions for radical acceptance. The one that resonated with me is from a Psychology Today article from Dec. 2013.
Radical Acceptance means completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality. When you stop fighting your suffer less.
Four weeks ago, after processing the last of some horrific events that happened to me, I looked at my therapist and exclaimed,” you know this is really just a piece of the pie.” He nodded his head in agreement as I went on to say, “even this little piece of the pie, could knock someone down for the rest of their lives, and in my situation, this is just one little piece of the whole pie.” I was really calm about the whole realization. I began to lock-in the pieces of the big picture.
This new realization was the total scope and real acceptance, that I was nothing more than a tool, a non-human object, that had the very fabric of my being torn apart, unglued over and over again for the first twenty years of my life. It wasn’t a dramatic, tear-filled, aha moment. It was a gentle, radical acceptance of the truth of what happened to me. I’ve come in and out of this realization for about a year now, but to really accept it was another feeling altogether.
Then the second phase of acceptance. My PTSD is not going away anytime soon. I have written before about my fight with this diagnosis, and my unrealistic expectation that I would have emerged from eight years of therapy to be “cured.” This is a different acceptance. This is the acceptance, that because of what happened to me, it is a miracle I’m alive and knowing now, that it would have been impossible, not to be affected by my trauma. I developed my own personal definition of radical acceptance:
Acceptance – I know what happened and I have to try and live with the weight of all I saw, all that I was forced to do, all that directly happened to me, the effects of the trauma and resulting PTSD.
It’s been a month since I’ve had these revelations. It has been a slow-burning four weeks. Knowing it in my head doesn’t translate to feeling it my body. Knowing it logically doesn’t instantly translate into my feeling mind or my shattered soul. This has been a slow-burn. It wasn’t an event; sobbing, floor stomping, why, why, why! It’s been a process of making myself, just-sit, just-be, let the tears flow, let my body feel the exhaustion which comes with radical acceptance and listening to my intuitive-self for what I need. Last week, I went to Arizona and visited the Peace Park/Stupa. It filled my cup, helped me calm my soul and I found some peace. A week ago I wasn’t sure I would ever find peace inside. Acceptance is one thing, finding a peaceful feeling in the midst of the carnage is quite another.
I don’t have any grand insights because this is all still quite new and I believe that the work that’s before me now is practicing radical acceptance. I no longer fear that I will go into any kind of denial. I seemed to have forgotten how to forget that the skeleton hands of my past will keep trying to pull me down. I’ve accepted that is the result of the trauma. It will have an effect on parts of my day, but not my entire day.
The trauma and the resulting PTSD has changed my life. It prevents me from working more than two hours a day, hopping in the car to run errands, enjoying restaurants, travel, and I have to consciously work with the triggers that cause flashbacks, and other assorted symptoms. I have been working on those symptoms consistently during the past eight years, but now I have to practice acceptance that I have to continue to work with my symptoms. It probably is the same concept, it just feels different. Before it was something I had to do because I was going through therapy. Now, I do it because I’m figuring out a way to have the best life I can have working withing the confines of my symptoms.
My perpetrators worked hard to unglue the very fabric of my mind, psyche, soul. They succeeded for a very long time. Now with this acceptance, I am mending the fabric of myself. I have done the work, I understand, I have radically accepted my past and the impact it has on my present.
To continue the practice of mending my mind, body, and soul, I’ll have to keep freshening up the glue of self-compassion, worthiness, perspective and acceptance. I can’t say how anything will look for me in a year. I assume things will look and feel very different than it does today. That’s part of the impermanence of life.
My radical acceptance is a quieter, more present, peaceful way of being. Perhaps it’s true, totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind, you suffer less.
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image source: Pixabay
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 18, 2017
Natures Silent Reverence
From the dustiest of deserts
to the lush trees hanging heavy with Spanish moss
there is a feeling of reverence.
The roar of the waves as they hit the cliffs and break
or the gentle lapping of the lake against the shore
the sun reflecting diamonds and colors against the water
bring tears of reverence.
From red rock formations with the vortex of healing energy
to the tallest peak of the snow topped range.
Solid, ancient, awe-struck, reverence.
Listen to the silence, the wind, the water. Stop talking, stop judging, just listen.
Accept the beauty that surrounds you, envelops you, become one, breathe deep, connect.
The beauty is not asking anything from you, it doesn’t care how much you weigh, what your income is, how many earthly possessions you own. It is simply nature, silent, reverent.
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©words/images, Alexis Rose
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 14, 2017
Foreword
On a cool Colorado morning in June, I guided Alexis and her daughter up the switchbacks leading to the summit of a 14,000 foot peak. With the tree line below us, I watched the two extraordinary women in front of me scramble up the rocks and obstacles that stood in their way. The air was thin, especially for us flatlanders, requiring frequent rests and breaks. Near the apex, we sat and reflected upon the remarkable journey that Alexis had been on. On that day, she showed the same courage and tenacity that she had shown through our years of therapy together. She made it evident that nothing would deter her from summiting. It was the literal realization of the metaphorical journey that we had been on.
Climbing a mountain. This was the early metaphor that we adopted to describe the healing process. My role was that of Sherpa; I was there to guide the way, keep her safe, and help carry some of her burden. Her job was to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to trust the process, and to honor my requests for her to slow down and rest along the way.
Over the course of our time together, Alexis has taught me a great deal about the human capacity for growth and change. That tenacity helped mediate the incredible sadness, sorrow, and horror that came with my bearing witness to the abuse and torture she endured during the first half of her life.
As serendipity would have it, we share some common beliefs. We have a mutual respect for one another, a shared love for all the ways the F-word can be used in the English language, similar humor, and spiritual beliefs. All of these things have been a gift as we worked to untangle the extraordinary mess that trauma left behind.
I am indebted to her in so many ways. She has been a steadfast example of the parent I aspire to be. She has broadened my awareness of world politics and the unfortunate path the intelligence community has at times followed. She is the embodiment of courage, and I have stolen many of her mantras along the way. She has made me a better psychologist and a better human being, and for this, I am eternally grateful.
~Kevin
Foreword from Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 12, 2017
The Moon Holds the Secrets
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The moon holds the secrets
of the trees, whispering in the night.
collaboration: ©Alexis Rose, photo: Shelley Bauer
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 10, 2017
Mindfulness and My PTSD
I titled this post, Mindfulness practice, and My PTSD because I think both a mindfulness practice and an illness can look different for each individual. While the list of symptoms may be similar when it comes to being diagnosed, I have come to find out that the severity of the symptoms, the severity of the trauma, and how each person experiences living with their PTSD can vary greatly. My therapist taught me that, the wonderful group of survivors I have contact with taught me that, and the sometimes unrelenting chokehold of some of my symptoms have taught me that. I imagine it’s the same for most chronic illness’s but I can only speak to the one that I deal with on a daily basis.
I have had a very steady and intentional mindfulness practice for the last twenty years. I started it years ago when I needed to change the way I was dealing with tremendous stress and hopelessness. I had two very young children at the time and needed to find a way to stay present when all I wanted to do was run away physically, emotionally, and mentally. Twenty years ago, mindfulness was not mainstream, but that didn’t matter to me. I quietly sought out teachers, read books, and practiced what I learned. It became a way of life for me and I found in the silence of my struggle it kept me steady and fairly calm.
Eight years ago, when my brain/mind/body/soul could not hold in my repressed past any longer and I was diagnosed with complex PTSD my mindfulness practice went to hell. I could no longer sit for more than one or two minutes without my memories, distress, fear, and shame, kicking in and sending me into a panic. It seemed the more I told myself, breathe in-breathe out, I would follow that up with a panic attack that lasted much longer than a short meditation practice would have lasted. So I gave up the idea of meditating. I also had a strong yoga practice but felt a surge of anger course through me every time I tried to settle into a resting or restorative pose. I was fortunate to have a wonderful teacher at the time. He pulled me aside one day and told me that sometimes in life yoga tells you to take a break. It’s about listening to what your mind and body are telling you. He assured me that one day, I would be able to come back to it and that I hadn’t failed. He was correct, I did come back to a yoga practice.
My task right now is to learn to live with my flashbacks, becoming overwhelmed, triggers, and sense of fear that still are very much part of my day. But, I also want to live mindfully and intentionally. This seems so incongruent and at odds sometimes, a paradox. I wonder if the desire of how I want to live will always be shadowed by how I have to cope day to day with my PTSD. Can the two of them find a middle ground?
I try to honor being awake. The connectedness we have to all things, the impermanence of the moments both perfect and non-perfect, the beauty and wonder and power of being present. Except that my symptoms bring me back to the past. It’s what PTSD does, it’s the nature of the illness. So trying to live in the present and being flashbacked to the past is quite uncomfortable and very frustrating.
Many people have said to me, let it go, it’s in the past, you are safe now, etc. I get it, I understand what they are saying, I understand the place from where those words of encouragement come from and still that isn’t what this is about. The nature of PTSD, the nature of how the illness affects me, is that it won’t let me forget the past. In my mindfulness practice, my mind doesn’t just acknowledge it and let it go. Although, I can let it go after I have experienced the symptom, but that’s after it causes quite a stir in mind.
When I try to ignore my symptoms, I often end up in a state of mind I would rather not participate in any longer. It brings me to the brink of crisis, which is a place I have worked hard and developed many skills and tools to avert. I’m trying to come to terms with working with my symptoms instead of fighting them and also living the mindful and intentional life I choose.
I feel that I’m finding my way, I’m working diligently to have both. I’m learning to acknowledge that this is not an either/or situation. I have relentless symptoms that I deal with on a daily basis, but that doesn’t mean I can’t live in the present. Even if my present is uncomfortable, I’m not in a situation where I am physically in harm’s way any longer. My mind and body forget that sometimes, but if I continue to practice staying present and being mindful of my thoughts when I’m not being triggered I find it’s easier to come out of that out-of-control feeling when I do get triggered.
I will continue the practice of mindfulness and pay attention to the present. I will continue to learn and grow, but I’m also going to acknowledge that sometimes it’s a struggle to stay present when my illness catapults me to the past. Perhaps that’s part of being mindful.
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image source: Pixabay
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 9, 2017
Some Helpful Writing Tips
Here are some great tips for writers from Don, who has written numerous books and is also a wonderful supporter of other writer’s blogs. https://donmassenzio.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/28659/
This is the beginning of a four part series that will list some writing tips. Many of these are likely familiar to you. Some of them may be new. For each tip, I’ll try to give some context on how I’ve either used or observed the tip being used. I hope they are helpful to you.
Tip 1: Read more than you write.
I’ve published other posts about the importance of reading. In order to learn the craft of writing, you need to study those that have mastered it before you and add to the body of work. This makes sense if you think of it in the context of other disciplines. If you aspire to be a surgeon, I would hope you would want to read about and observe many surgeries before attempting one yourself.
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Tip 2: Observe life around you for character ideas
As you may know, I travel…
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March 8, 2017
We Stand Tall to Honor Her
We stand tall to honor
her strength and support.
Selflessly she gave of herself
knowing that one day
her clan would be confident
to stand on their own
fly from the nest and understand
that it takes a village to bind
the world in peace and love.
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©Alexis Rose, image source: pixabay
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 5, 2017
I’ve Got Your Back
“I’ve got your back” were the most important and powerful words I had ever heard seven years ago. I was panicked, wondering how was I ever going to have the strength to get through the next moment, let alone the next day. To risk facing the unknown of my repressed past, while breaking the code of silence that was deeply ingrained in my psyche. In those early days of word vomiting memories that were coming fast and furious, going into one crisis after another, dissociating, and having no sense of safety.
At that point, I had already realized that the hard work happened when you got home, between therapy sessions. The processing of what was talked about during our sessions, trying to incorporate the tools he was teaching me for distress tolerance and trying to feel safe enough to just-sit with it all. At the same time learning ways to manage all the other terrible, awful PTSD symptoms that already had an unrelenting grip on my life.
One evening, as I stood up to leave my therapist’s office, a sense of panic overwhelmed me. Not only panic of what I was facing but the panic of attachment. I knew I would be too much for him, he would bail, he would himself panic and become as frightened by what he was hearing. But something happened when I turned around to walk out of his door. He said to me, “I’ve got your back.”
Those four little words hit me with the softness of the kindest hug and the safety of the bravest shield. I believed him the moment he said those words to me. Even though I knew I had to still fight for my life, my mental health, my freedom from the skeleton hands of the past that kept trying to pull me down each time I made any progress, those words landed through the layers.
That night, I was able to trust that I could handle my journey. I could walk with my head up, eyes forward. Those words made me feel that I would be able to face the past and the resulting effects of my trauma head on. I knew that if I stumble, fall, trip, panic, see monsters, fight programming that my therapist would help me stand back up, dust off, and keep moving forward.
A few weeks ago, I had another huge breakthrough. The mind-blowing acceptance of putting together the pieces of the big picture, and understanding who was responsible for my past trauma. Just how deep, sinister, and insidious this vast network of people with power were, and how I was truly just a tiny cog in their plans. In fact, the leap forward in healing was astounding to me. Wonderful? Yes! Hard-fought and earned? Yes! Frightening because I now understood and was immediately looking through a different lens? Yes?
Healing can be wonderful, hard-fought, and frightening. Not because I don’t want to heal, it’s because it is unfamiliar to look at things Not just through the lens of survival. To learn and accept the past as what happened. I can’t change it and I can no longer forget it. To accept it, to really sit with the knowledge of how insignificant I was to these people is sometimes mind-blowing.
When I was expressing the panic, the unsettledness of what was happening to me and how I was going to walk in this new light, this turn in my journey, my therapist without any thought said, “it’s okay, you’re safe, I’ve got your back.” Those four little words again. Just like that evening seven years ago, they again, had a profound effect on me. The most powerful, healing words I have ever heard.
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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
March 3, 2017
Untangle the strings that hold you hostage
Untangle and let go of the strings
that hold you hostage.
Take the step to know yourself, free yourself
be kind to yourself, feel joy.
Rest in that perfect moment, the arms of silence.
Feel the breath in the present and nod to the hopes for a future.
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©Alexis Rose, image source: pexels
Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph
http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph/dp/1514213222
https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-story-resilience-courage-triumph-ebook/dp/B013XA4856
