D.G. Kaye's Blog, page 170

Waiting — Stolen Hours

I have been around death more times than I’d like to remember. My Aunty Lee was given her death sentence in early January of this year—two to three weeks to live – suddenly, out of the blue, after a random visit to the doctor, complaining about occasional stomach aches.

It’s now mid-April, and up until the last week, that iron woman was still laughing and talking with us, albeit with fading energy, and yet never with a mention of her impending fate. Her favourite things she had left to look forward to were visits from her loved ones, and eating, yes eating. She craved delicious meals, her only want in her palliative state.

My sister and I visit her regularly, as well as her two pillars that are always by her side; her daughter and granddaughter. With each visit we all like to bring her something tasty, something for her to look forward to. In these past few days, she’s lost her passion for food and the desire to speak.

I’ve witnessed all the stages, too many times, from living, to the preparation for the journey into the next world. The appetite diminishes, words become less frequent, but most of all, the light begins to subside from their eyes. These are some of the signs that tell me the journey to the other side is in commencement.

Many people, including myself, get antsy—that uncomfortable feeling within of helplessness, when we no longer feel that there is anything satisfactory enough we can do to make our ill loved ones comfortable. We have only to go by what we know of them; their habits, facial expressions, the type of smile they may give us, or the moments of their spawned tears, to decipher what they are feeling. We remind them how much we love them, and we are gifted in those precious moments when they utter a word to us; especially when they say your name and tell you once again, that they love you, in the midst of their long silences.

I can sense my aunt’s humility of her situation, although she never once complained. Her conversations with us now begin to fade mid-sentence, with limited strength to speak, leaving us pondering what it is she wants to say. It is so very sad to watch, and often when I’m there, I feel like fleeing while my heart aches for her demise. I don’t want to be part of it. It hurts to watch my aunt become a former shell of herself. But each time I feel that urge, I think about how much more my aunt doesn’t want to be enduring it herself. And so I stay.

I sit and watch her and replay all the good times with her. I speak with her in hopes that she may engage me back with conversation, or that I can at least offer her conversation. Yet, at the same time, I struggle with my curiosity, wondering if I’m infringing on her quiet moments as I natter on about insignificant things.

Sometimes my aunt will take herself out of her silent trance and mention the name of a dead loved one; a sister or brother, or her lost child. She then asks when one of them are coming to visit her. I believe this is the stage where the journey begins to the other world. It feels to me as though my aunt has one foot here on earth and the other in heaven. Perhaps her loved ones are calling for her as they await her arrival.

These are some of the things I’ve witnessed quite a few times, and though I have no confirmation that it is so, I truly believe. I am honoured that my cousin had asked me to write a eulogy. It was a painful thing to do, and something I had never undertaken. But I am grateful that I get to share all of my aunt’s wonderful qualities, and strengths from the hurdles she overcame in her life – the important things for her to be remembered by.

I don’t know all that is rolling around my aunt’s head as she lay in silence most of the day now, even with eyes wide open. In my sixth sense sort of way, and with my empathy, I feel her gratitude for us loving her, her sadness to leave her family, her fear of the unknown, and her desire now to be let go.

I’ve written a poem here depicting what I sometimes feel she is thinking.

 

Tick tock goes my soul,

Halfway there, no longer whole.

I see a world full of love here, y et I’m lost in the past,

The time to leave – the now, is a pproaching fast.

My vibrant eyes once expressed delight,

Are tired now, no longer shine my inner light.

Embodied in a physical shell,

A mere existence from a life I once felt.

My heart so filled with love does keep me here,

I have nothing left to offer, but the occasional tear.

I feel the tug of heaven’s call,

I must go soon, I love you all.

 

D.G. Kaye ©April 2015

Fear Series—When Fearlessness Turns To Anxiety

 

As we grow up and begin to mature, it becomes our life experiences that continue to build our character. The things we learn through our encounters, leave a lasting impression on us and contribute to our likes and dislikes, and suit us up for how we deal with life on a daily basis.

Often, if we haven’t endured devastating circumstances, we many not notice the simple progression of ourselves. We tend to be influenced by our surroundings, people in them and pent up stressors.

All these factors and so many more are part of the foundation for our living patterns, and are responsible for many of the fears we develop, whether we are conscious of them or not. We may not recognize that being chased by a dog at a young age can instill a fear of dogs afterwards, or how some wronged violation on our person can leave invisible scars, yet the emotional fears from that violation will always be present whether hidden or exposed until they can be dealt with. Everything in life leaves its invisible paper trail through our psyches and becomes a part of the way we think and feel.

It was merely only a few decades ago that I would have considered myself fearless. I was game for anything, sometimes perhaps too frivolous. I traveled on my own to foreign countries at a young age, but most of all, I’d drive anywhere, any time, alone, no matter how far.

I once worked in sales, on the road for a photo studio. This job entailed me driving to any particular, sometimes desolate place throughout the province of Ontario on a daily basis. Neither distance nor inclement weather stopped me. I often liked to drive over the Buffalo border to the United States, just to do some mindless shopping, at a moment’s notice. I didn’t need company or a navigation system, I just got in the car and went.

My independence was certainly acquired from becoming an adult at a very young age from the responsibilities I took on as a child. In many respects, it helped build my strength and determination. My unfounded fears from an uncertain childhood seemed to dissipate though, as I matured in a clichéd sort of way of “what didn’t kill me, made me stronger.”

As I look back at my brazen younger years, I can’t seem to figure out what the heck has happened to me in the last decade. Where has my fearlessness gone? Many times now in life when I think about how I used to react with great enthusiasm and spontaneity, I find that anxiety has replaced it. I’ve always analyzed my life since I was a child, and usually found a way to conquer my fears. But I’m finding as I get older, it seems that was easier to do when I was younger. Why is that? Do we know too much? Do we over-analyze and become more cautious? Have we seen too much bad? These are the questions I now ask myself when I try to understand why I am no longer fearless of some things.

I don’t like to just accept things. I like to know why and how they came to be. I want to know when I lost my carefree attitude and became a fearful driver. When did my fearlessness abandon me?

I often feel closed in now, claustrophobic on overly trafficked streets of the city. There are so many bad drivers it seems. I feel as though I can’t trust ‘the other guy’ who decides he wants to change lanes without looking, and that I will potentially be side-swiped. Green lights no longer mean ‘Go’ automatically, and red lights don’t necessarily make people stop, but speed up through them, well after they have turned red. My eyes don’t fancy the oncoming headlights at night, and I dare not ever leave my car without locking it. These are just some of the fears that now overshadow my once fearless attitude to just hopping in the car to destination anywhere.

Before I wrote this, I thought that I couldn’t figure out where my driving fear came from. But I think I’ve just answered my own question.

Have you any fears that have either subsided or increased as the years pass?

 

D.G. Kaye©April 2015

From manuscript to self-published book – what does it take? | Heather Wardell

 

As authors, we all have our own approach to how we write and the usual steps we take after writing first draft to self publishing, but I find it’s always interesting to learn about different author’s perspectives on the journey. Heather Wardell offers some great tips on her blog post on self publishing in the link below.

 

From manuscript to self-published book – what does it take? | Heather Wardell.

Fear Series—Broken Childhoods

 

When I was a child growing up in an unsettled family life, my most dreaded fears would come upon me at night while I tried to sleep. I’d worry and wonder about if when I awoke in the morning, my father would still be there.

Many times I awoke to find my fears had come true. My dad had once again been evicted by my mother’s angry tantrums.

I didn’t understand why all of my friends had two loving parents and did so many fun things together as a family. I wasn’t used to that. My father was often living on his own. My consolation was that my father would pick me and my younger siblings up on Sunday mornings from his parent’s house where we spent most of our weekends until I was almost fourteen years old.

He’d take us to his favorite greasy spoon restaurant for bacon and eggs. We’d listen to the radio blaring in the car as my dad cranked it louder and pretended to sing along with his own version of the lyrics while we’d laugh. But all the while, inside my head, I was always focused on what came after breakfast.

My heart ached every time I kissed my dad good-bye. After he’d take us home I’d always be thinking that I wouldn’t get to see him again until the following weekend. From those thoughts would invite other thoughts to circle my head, such as trying to figure out ways to make my parents get back together, or more about ways to get my mother to allow my father to come back home.

I didn’t understand that it wasn’t my job to fix things because many times throughout the years, after my father dropped us off and my siblings jumped out of the car in a hurry to run out and play with their friends, I’d sit a bit longer with my dad, and then he’d usually ask me if I could help him to get Mommy to take him back.

My heart felt heavy as I took in his sadness, and I wanted to help make him feel better, even though I knew my meddling would undoubtedly get me another slap in the face.

But I summoned my courage and would try once again to approach my mother with curiosity and still, with hopefulness, to no avail.

I remember the mantra I used to chant in my head to overcome my anxieties every time I’d think of scary or uncomfortable situations, “Nothing bad will ever happen to me or my family.”

Things couldn’t have been further from those words of my chant. Many unhappy things happened to my family. But as long as I’d direct my mind to my positive mantra, I felt that in some superstitious sort of way, I could keep them at bay.

 

D.G. Kaye ©April 2015

The Versatile #Blogger Awards – Thanks and nominees. | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

One Lovely Blogger Award

Thank you kindly to Sally Cronin, one of the blogosphere’s most avid versatile bloggers I know, for nominating my blog for this award.

 

The Versatile Blogger Awards – Thanks and nominees. | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life.

Sally writes on her blog at SmorgasbordInvitation, an appropriate name for her diverse blogging skills. She writes about numerous topics from wellbeing articles to showcasing writers, musicians and the likes. Sally also shares the works of many writers on her pages, and has several books published, many of them offering up a wealth of information on various health topics. Read more about Sally on her About Page, linked below, and be sure to visit some of her wonderful blog posts.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/about-me/

There are a few rules that are attached to the acceptance of this award and they are as follows:-

– Show the award on your blog

– Thank the person who nominated you

– Share seven facts about yourself

– Nominate up to fifteen blogs

– Link your nominees’ blogs, and let them know

 

Seven facts about me:

 

1. I am known to many as ‘the one in a million girl’ because if there is a small percentage that something could happen, it happens to me. I am left wondering then, why I can’t win a lottery?

2. People gravitate to me as a confidante. I always seem to have answers and solutions for others, yet find myself battling my own two minds (I’m a Gemini) with my own decisions.

3. I am a justice seeker. I am relentless when it comes to righting a wrong.

4. I write a lot about self esteem issues in hopes to empower others through my own experiences. Although I’ve conquered many hurdles, I find that it is always an ongoing process.

5. I love to laugh and sometimes without intention, have an uncanny ability to make others laugh. It’s healthy medicine.

6. I love reading books about spirituality, laws of attraction, angels, and wish there were more hours in a day to read the many books that await my eyes on my bookshelf. If I wasn’t a writer, I’d be perfectly content to read my days away.

7. I love to share great info with others. Whether it be a department store sale, a great recipe or great tips on writing right here on my blog, expect me to talk about it.

I could think of well over fifteen or fifty blogs that I know well-deserve this award, and for those reasons I know that many of these people have been nominated before, and as I always do when nominated and nominating others, I invite all of my wonderful blogging friends to help yourself to cutting and pasting this award on your own pages.

Today I nominate a few women who write about inspiration, empowering women, and who share a lot of themselves through their writing:

 

When Women Inspire -  Christy Birmingham 

  Are you looking for inspiration? Hope? Do you want to learn about how women are changing the world every single day? Then you’ve come to the right place. When Women Inspire is dedicated to showcasing the efforts of women around the world to change the world in positive ways. These are women making social, economic, literary, political or educational waves – in a great way. Read more here

 

Dreamwalker’s Sanctuary - Sue Dreamwalker

I am but an ordinary woman, who see’s beyond this Vale. And wants to share her Light and knowledge with others…
 I walk my path trying to help others along the way, I hold a Dream of life which will end decay.
My Path is long and the road maybe rough. But each of us has to try give back and say enough’s enough.
So I share my vision through poems and thought. Of hopes and dreams in this life we get caught.
And if you should stumble upon my page. Leave me your comment for you too are a Sage.. Read more here


 Carol Balawyder – Carol Balawyder

Hi. Welcome to my website and blog. I write about things that matter to me: justice, mid-life dating, grief, blogs that inspire me both as a writer and a person, awesome writing workshops. I also have series: How I Got Published, Femme Fatale, Nobel Prize Laureates, Writers’ Desks, Ten Great First Dates. Read more here

 

JaneCarrollAuthor – Jane Carroll

Alabama author Jane Carroll gives a face, a wardrobe, and a flare to inspirational humor. Her writing weaves a rich tapestry of humor, inspiration, insight, southern roots, and friendship; perfect for readers in the empty nest period of life. An advocate for life beyond 40, Jane’s words encourage, empower and motivate others who have seen trials and hardships. Readers pour over her words on her blog and in her book. They email and message her how a paragraph or sentence helped them through a difficult time, how her humor sparked a ray of hope and the will to go on, and how they found inspiration and healing. Read more here

 

A Holistic Journey - Diana (Wayfarer)

I am a Woman out of the Lost & Found.

Woman.

Gosh, it’s been fast. The little girl feeling from first grade is a clear memory. How many annual calendar pages do you tear off in 40 years? 480. Beyond the 1/10 of these sheets that marked my prologue in Korea, my life divides into thirds. The first chapter written in NYC, the second in PA that suburbanized the college girl, the third in CA that ruralized the wife and mom. (At least in contrast to the zip and dash of life in the Big Apple. Cows across the street now.) Read more here

 

And finally, as Sally suggests, if you do not have the time to repost and share your award with others, simply accept this box of chocolates she has offered up on her own blog.   The Versatile Blogger Awards – Thanks and nominees. | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life.

D.G. Kaye ©April 2015

How To Handle Grief And Mourning | Michele Cushatt

 

I have been following Rabbi Evan Moffic for over a year now. I find his words very wise and comforting on many life issues he discusses. Apparently Michele Cushatt feels the same way as she has written the passage below on her blog and posted below it is what Rabbi has to say about #grief and #loss.

Today’s post is from Rabbi Evan Moffic, spiritual leader of Congregation Solel in suburban Chicago and one of my dear friends. Although I rarely do guest posts, his insights on grief have been a huge source of encouragement and wisdom for me as of late. In addition, the holidays can often stir the pot of past grief unexpectedly, which makes this post timely. I hope it encourages you. To learn more about Rabbi Moffic, he blogs at Rabbi.me and Huffington Post. Author of Wisdom for People of All Faiths, his next book, What Every Christian Needs to Know About Passover, is available February 2015 from Abingdon Press.

Read Rabbi’s wise words below in this post about grieving and mourning the loss of loved ones.

 

How To Handle Grief And Mourning | Michele Cushatt.

Fear Series—Old Age and Sickness

 

I felt it when I was a child; and that feeling still won’t escape me.

My great anxiety comes over me when I’m around very sick or old people. I cringe inside with fear. When I was young, I didn’t want to be near these people; I didn’t understand why, but as I grew up, I realized that I felt melancholy when around the aged or sick. I felt sad for them because they were no longer young and agile, or felt well enough to be free from their afflictions of old age and/or sickness because they were being held back from the things they once loved to do.

I got too familiar with death and saying good-bye to loved ones by the age of sixteen. Since I was sixteen, for the next fourteen years, sporadically, the hits just kept on coming. I looked after my maternal grandfather when he came to live with us after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, and a subsequent leg amputation. I’d make him tea, and some evenings we played gin-rummy together. All the while, my heart hurt for the pain he was suffering, stoic, and without complaint. Not long after his death, I lost an uncle, a grandmother, my dear aunt who was like a mother to me, and then my own father. In between these deaths, I’d watched them all deteriorate through suffering illness. I sat at many bedsides, visited too many hospitals and been to way too many funerals for my young age.

Throughout my life, I questioned myself as to why I felt so unsettled around the sick and the old, and once again, those feelings have come back to visit.

Five months ago, I buried my mother, and just over two months ago, my mother’s last remaining sibling, my Aunty Lee, who seemed remarkably spry and healthy at the age of seventy-six, went for a routine colonoscopy. The doctor discovered what was supposed to be some sort of minor obstruction and booked her into the hospital a few weeks later to have a simple laparoscopy to repair the blockage. Once they probed inside of her, they found numerous stomach tumors and closed her up. She awoke after the surgery with her natural optimism, thinking that she had been repaired, only to be greeted by her doctor who informed her that she had three weeks to live. I can’t even try to imagine what went through her head when she was handed down a death edict after waking from what she thought was minor surgery from a symptomless diagnosis. But stoic as always, she swallowed her lumps and began to get her affairs in order.

Within days, the ongoing pain that developed had landed her into palliative care. That once brazen, self-sufficient woman, who had conquered so many hurdles in her life and never once complained through any of them, had resolved herself to her demise without a tear in her eye, or a “Woe is me” attitude. That rock is my Aunty Lee. And two and a half months have now passed, and she is still with us. With all her medication and woe, she still smiles and tells us how much she loves us at every visit. She still takes in joy every day with her loved ones. I will never know of all of what goes on in her head, but I know that I still can’t wrap my head around her demise.

Every time I visit her, as I walk the halls of the Baycrest Center for the aged and palliative, that old, unsettled feeling of age and death still looms deep within me. I know that part of my discomfort is because of my empathetic feelings I get for these people. I feel sad for them when I think about how their lives are coming to an end. Sometimes I can almost imagine their pain.

I think I’ve come to understand the unsettledness within me. I believe that it’s my own fears that get heightened when I’m surrounded by inevitable aging and death. I begin to question my own mortality. And I find myself praying harder and faster to God that I will never have to wind up ending my days in sickness, away from my own home.

 

I think that being all too familiar with sickness and death has the propensity to engrave these fears into our minds. I know the secret is to find a way to overcome these fears. Admittedly, I have yet to master this.

 

D.G. Kaye ©April 2015

3 secrets of writing longhand | Moran Chaim

I’ve written about this before and I wanted to share this post about writing in longhand versus on the computer. I personally do not feel creative writing my blogs or my books on a computer looking at a screen. I need to have my pen in hand so it can glide along with the speed of my thoughts. It was refreshing for me to read this post by Moran Chaim and find that many others feel the same.

Do any of you prefer to write in longhand?

“George R.R. Martin is doing it, also Danielle steel, Quentin Tarantino, Neil Gaiman, Amy Tan and more published authors are doing it longhand.”

3 secrets of writing longhand | Moran Chaim.

Five Star Treatment – Words We Carry by D.G.Kaye | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

Thank you kindly to the great #blogger/writer Sally Cronin for choosing my book, Words We Carry , to showcase in her weekly Five Star Review series on her ever-popular blog, SmorgasbordInvitation

 

Sally is a diverse writer. She writes about life, health, writing, reviews, and so much more. She is quite well-known in the WordPress world and has several books published as well.

Please click the link below to view Sally’s post of my book. Then feel free to explore some of her fabulous articles while you’re there.

 

Five Star Treatment – Words We Carry by D.G.Kaye | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life.

The Wonderful World Of #Blogging

 
Blogging is a creative outlet for writing and sharing thoughts and information. People blog for many reasons. Some blog as a method to release their thoughts, others blog to share information on a particular subject, and many bloggers like to reblog other bloggers posts to share information on topics that  usually have relevance to the things they like to blog about.

 

Blogging Community

 

Sharing our posts and mingling with other bloggers on the internet becomes a second home to avid bloggers. When we first begin a blog, there should be intent on the subjects we wish to blog about, to brand what our blog is about, and to give readers a sense of the type of posts we write about so that they can decide whether or not our blog is conducive with the things they prefer to read about.

We shouldn’t be concerned about trying to get as many people to follow us, but more concerned about what we wish to convey in our posts to attract the right readers. Eventually, people will gravitate to our blogs as they discover us through the topics we write about which appeal to them.

 

How To Discover Blogs We Like To Read?

 

Let’s say we decide to blog on WordPress, we can filter the types of blogs we prefer to read and WordPress will offer a list of suggested blogs based on our preferences. We can then click on those blogs of interest and enjoy reading them. If we enjoy a particular post, we have the opportunity to follow that blog by clicking on the ‘follow’ button on the top bar of that blog, or subscribing to receive new updated posts by email or RSS Feed.
When logged in to our WordPress reader, it will list the blogs we follow so we can click on and read them, and it will also suggest other blogs similar that we may want to go have a look at.

Connecting With Readers And Attracting New Readers

A good way to meet like-minded bloggers and readers is by commenting on a post we’ve enjoyed reading. Let the writer know our thoughts on the post, establish a connection with them. While we’re in the comment section, we can take the opportunity to read other comments as well. This also gives us the opportunity to click on the commenter’s avatar, which will lead us to their site, and allow us to see what they write about. If we find that blog site appeals to us, we can then follow that site and eventually build our reading list.

 

In many cases, once we begin to form blogging relationships, those bloggers in turn, become curious about our blogs and will come visit our sites and may decide to follow us.

Blogging Isn’t A Race

There is no immediate urgency to acquire followers. If we put out interesting and good content that appeals to people in that niche, they will eventually show up and look forward to more of our posts.

Following Links

Communing with other blogs introduces us to many other blogs. If a certain post interests us and the post offers links to click on, we can find new articles and bloggers that we may want to follow after clicking the link, which broadens the scope of people we want to include to follow.

Social Sharing

Most bloggers having social share buttons on their pages. The social share buttons are there for us to click on to send that post to our own social sites so our own readers can see the article we just read. This sharing of information gives good content to our readers and at the same time, helps to drive traffic to the original blogger’s site when our readers choose to click on the article to read it. This gives new exposure to that blogger’s page as well to ours.


Following Favorites

Social connect buttons are also featured on almost all blogger’s pages. If we  click on these buttons, we get the opportunity to follow them on twitter, facebook, google, and many other sites they may be connected to, which leads us to more information and finding more people from their circles we may want to connect with. This becomes almost like a viral expansion method for us to connect with others.

Throughout the process over time of reading and connecting with new people, we begin to attract new readers to our own sites from the connections we’ve made along the way. The paths we take to find and follow new people, is the same path many others take to broaden their own social media circles and may lead them to our blogs. If they like our blog and decide to follow us, eventually some of our new follower’s readers may find their way to our other pages as well.

A Shakespearean quote, “The world is your oyster,”  from The Merry Wives of Windsor, implies that all we have to do is claim it.

 

Now set forth, open your blogs, go visit other blogger’s pages, and partake in some social interjection. You will become a part of a beautiful, informative, and sharing community.

 

D.G. Kaye, DGKayewriter.com ©April 2015