Will Once's Blog, page 7

Trim my bush

  Maybe it’s just me and my smutty mind. Yesterday my beloved wife, aka the Mem, aaka the most patient person in the Universe, announced that she would like us to prune the lavender together. Instantly my mind raced. Was “pruning the lavender” a euphemism which had somehow passed me by? If I had read…

Like

I am fascinated by how language changes. Take the word “like”. This used to be a plain little word. In one meaning it’s somewhere between love and mild interest. I “like” you. Not enough to lust after you, but more than a passing fancy. Or something is “like” something else. It’s not exactly the same,…

Fossil words

My son asks me a question: “What is a bygone?” Initially I am delighted to be asked. As a fifteen year old, the Best Boy in the World largely now tells me things. How technology works. Which groups are cool right now. What dub steps are. A modern beat combo, m’lud. Those days are long…

It wasn’t about the EU

The EU referendum is a strange beast. The more I listen to people talking about it, the more I realise that it’s not really about the EU at all. It is actually about our attitude to change. The people behind the drive to get out of the EU are the Tory right wing. They want…

The EU neverendum

I did make myself a promise not to tackle politics in my blog. It’s an incredibly divisive topic and there isn’t much humour in it. Certainly not at the moment. But the EU referendum is much too big a topic to ignore. And I am deeply worried about the division it has caused in this…

Tarquin and Tracey

  “Majorca,” said Tracey. “That’s where I want to go this year.” Tarquin did his best goldfish impression. The one where he opens his mouth and then closes it again without making a sound. “Majorca? Isn’t that rather …?” “I’ve had some lovely holidays in places ending in ‘a’,” said Tracey. “Majorca. Minorca. Ibiza. Costa…

The Undead of Upminster

  On the 18th inst, from the hour of 06:00 to 15:00, I was performing my duties as desk sergeant at Upminster police station. At 09.15 precisely, the door to the police station was opened forcibly by a male IC1 aged around twenty years. Five foot ten, short brown hair, staring eyes. He was in…

You’re the one that I want

Let’s have another short story. The brief for this one was to write a piece of dialogue between Veronica and Maureen about clothes.  I may have tweaked the brief a little…   “Martin!” Veronica dropped her shopping on the floor. There was an apologetic tinkling sound of a jar of pickled onions imploding. “Oh God,…

The mother of all arguments

“And you can stop making that face.” “What face?” “That face. You know the one. The disapproving face.” “I only said ….” “There’s no “only” about it. It’s not just what you said, it’s how you said it.” “You mean in sentences with verbs and nouns? Would you rather we conversed in Morse code?” “Now…

Celebrity

This is the second of my distance learning writing assignments. The challenge was to write about diners in a restaurant. So I reused a real-life adventure from a few blogs ago. “You’re staring at her boobs,” said my wife, brandishing a chunk of pan-seared scallop on the end of her fork. “My dear, every man…