Regina Cole's Blog, page 4

Following the King

Reblogged from Darker Temptations:

Becoming a writer isn't easy. SURPRISE!!! I know you're stunned. I was!

Reading is so simple, so wonderful, so engrossing, that I thought writing should be exactly the same. I should be able to lose myself in the world I created just as easily as I do those of my favorite authors. BUT, it doesn't work that way. Writing isn't just fun.

Read more… 411 more words

Come see who my writing idol is over on Darker Temptations!

Paranormal Romance Series Bliss

So you guys know that CAUGHT IN CRIMSON is book one in my new Spellbinding series. Witches finding love and fighting evil is a hella fun story to tell. But I wanted to talk about some of my other favorite PNR and UF series! These books are the reason I wanted to write a series, because they made me fall in love with the world and want to chase them through it to the end!

 

1. The Black Dagger Brotherhood Series

by JR Ward

I fell in love with Wrath, and Rhage, and Zsadist, and the rest of the Brothers a long time ago. I’ll be honest, I’ve probably read the series through book seven about 10 times at least so far. I skip the parts about the lessers, and go straight for the sexy vampires.

 

Why do I love this series?

Strong, flawed characters

Incredible conflict

Men I can fall in love with

And satisfying endings.

 

 

 

2. Night Huntress Series

by Jeaniene Frost

Ah, Cat and Bones. I LOVED the first few books in this series, but then I had to stop reading, but that’s because of my brain. In this series, I discovered a problem (for me.)

I love books that follow a group of people. I prefer subsequent books in a romance series to tell the love story of another couple related to couple #1. In a series like this, about three books is all I want to do. The reason for this is simple. I want my HEA. In the case of a series like this that only follows one couple, after too many books, I feel like I’ve been in a tennis match.

They’re together!

They’re not. Bummer.

Wait! Together again!

Dammit, where’d you go, Bones?

Justaminute! Back together!!

Ohfortheloveof GOD.

See what I mean? But I know I’m in the minority here. If Iwasn’t, then soap operas wouldn’t exist. And many romance series with TRILLIONS of fans wouldn’t exist.

BUT, I do love this series. And this is why.

A. HUGE conflict.

B. A badass guy that I totally fell in love with. Ah, Crispin.

C. Did I mention that the sex was INCREDIBLE?

 

3. The Sookie Stackhouse/Southern Vampire Series

by Charlaine Harris

I read these books so long ago, but I still think of them fondly! I’m happy to say that I got at least five other readers hooked on Sookie.

But, Sookie has the same caveat that Cat does above. Poor Sookie. She’s so virginal in the first, oh, 5 books, and then you’re like “wait. She kind of has done about eleventy-billion guys now.”

Oh well.

I don’t really consider these romances, though they do sometimes have romantic elements. But I do love the series. And this is why.

A heroine I can relate to (for the first 7 or 8 books, anyhow)

SEXY guys that are easy to fall in love with

A unique setting, one that takes on characterization of its own

A complex world that keeps changing and growing

 

 

I’ve tried to analyze what elements I like (and don’t like!) from my favorites above, and really execute them in the Spellbinding world. It’s important to me to make this series a world that readers will love and relate to, and hopefully read for years to come! That’s my measure of success. I don’t want these books to be a one-time read. I’ve read the books I own from the series above multiple times. And that is how I measure a good story.

 

So what do YOU think? What elements of a series are most important to you? And what are your favorites? LMK below!

 

 

WINNER TIME! For the Caught in Crimson Blog Tour!

Hi Everyone!

Thank you so much to everyone who’s followed along in the tour! I have to admit, this was much different than I expected! But I’m so glad to have been able to share it with you.

 

Without further ado, here are our WINNERS!

We’ll start at number 11, and work our way up to the GRAND PRIZE WINNER!

 

11. Lisa Cox – $5.00 Amazon Giftcard!

10. Mary Preston – $5.00 Amazon Giftcard!

9. Anna Cade – $5.00 Amazon Giftcard!

8. Sara Gallagher- $5.00 Amazon Giftcard!

7. Susan White – $5.00 Amazon Giftcard!

6. Linda Larsson – an ebook copy of CAUGHT IN CRIMSON!

5. Yadira Alonzo – an ebook copy of CAUGHT IN CRIMSON!

4. Wendy Hoffman – an ebook copy of CAUGHT IN CRIMSON!

3. Cathy Vernon- an ebook copy of CAUGHT IN CRIMSON!

2. Amy Smith- an ebook copy of CAUGHT IN CRIMSON!

and our grand prize winner IS…

1. Cassie Webb! The COMPLETE Spellbinding series will be yours upon each book’s release! AND you get a $25.00 Amazon giftcard, too!

 

Thanks to everyone who entered, and to all the fabulous ladies who so graciously hosted me for this tour! Now, I’m off to email the winners, and collapse in a pile of blog exhaustion.

 

What’s Coming Up in Spellbinding! And LAST DAY to enter!!!

This is the LAST STOP on the blog tour! Tomorrow I’ll announce the winners of the contest! So make sure you get your entries in on the Rafflecopter form below, because time is running out!

 

Okay, so yesterday I promised you guys a couple of glimpses into the upcoming stories in Spellbinding. Are you ready? Because here we go!

 

 

BOUND IN BLUE

Spellbinding book 2

 

Rachel may be a blue witch, but she’s definitely not going to let that rule her life. Her art is much more important than joining a coven and fighting the so-called Darkness, if they even exist, which she doubts. Taking a summer job as an art teacher and counselor at a motivational camp is just what she needs to focus on her art and discover what she really wants out of life.

It’s just Hunter’s luck that he draws the short straw this year. The Chicago lawyer has managed to avoid working at his boss’s yuppie motivational camp for the past three years, but if he wants to make partner, he’s got to suck it up and work as the camp’s legal advisor and counselor. The experienced Dom isn’t exactly the roughing-it type, but he’ll do what he has to do for his dream job.

Catching a glimpse of the beautiful Rachel skinny-dipping under the light of the full moon, Hunter is determined to take her to his dungeon. But their torrid connection is threatened when people begin to disappear. When Rachel discovers that the Darkness are real, and she’s their intended target, she’ll be forced to chose between the coven life she’d spurned and the man she’s dying to belong to.

 

 

 

 

WANTING IN WHITE

Spellbinding Book 3

 

Morgan the white witch has had enough. Her familiar is a bird-brain (quite literally) her career is in the toilet, and her coven is full of party-girls who can’t focus on keeping the Darkness at bay. Added to the fact that her love life is as empty as the Arizona desert, and you’ve got a woman who needs a helluva lot more than a vibrator to ease her frustrations.

Caleb’s got a lot on his mind as well. The undercover FBI agent is working to unveil a drug trafficking ring over the border, and the delectable Morgan is an unwelcome distraction. If his overwhelmed libido ruins his mission, there’ll be hell to pay.

Getting involved with Caleb, while completely delicious, becomes more and more dangerous when she realizes that he’s involved with a drug cartel. And when Morgan discovers that the criminals have deep ties to the Darkness that she’s sworn to fight, she’ll have to decide whether to be loyal to her coven or to the man who has her heart.

 

 

 

So, what do you think? Do the next books tickle your fancy? Don’t forget you can WIN THESE BOOKS! Delivery will be made on their release date, but this is like the best free preorder EVER! Click on the Rafflecopter form, and stuff the hat full of your name!

 

And don’t forget to stop by tomorrow and see if you’ve won!

 

Which book are you looking forward to most? Have any questions about the next two in the series? Hit me up!

 

CiC Blog Tour Day 5 – Meet LUGH!

 

 

Hello hello! And welcome to Day 5 of the Caught in Crimson release blog tour!

Us writers are SUPER BUSY people. Almost without exception. So when Stacey Kennedy, my gal-pal and almost blog hostess today, sent me a panicked email that she was double booked, I didn’t stress! I just decided to plop my post up here, with the additional verbage HEY, go visit Stacey’s blog and enter to win her newest book, THE CAT’S MEOW. Double the chance to win AWESOME new witch books? Yes Please!

And now for today’s post. I have to admit, the character we’re talking about today is my very favorite. Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE both Delia and Adam, and Ravenna is very good too. But this character? He’s phenomenal. He’s dynamic. He’s intelligent. He’s powerful. He’s sarcastic. He’s witty. He’s…

Image Purchased from Fotolia

A poodle.

 

CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT: Lugh

All witches in the world of Spellbinding have a familiar. These magical creatures are locked into the physical form of a common animal, to blend in. There are the typical cats, ravens, snakes, usual animals that you’d think of when it comes to witches, but Lugh’s a little different.

Lugh is a cream-colored toy poodle.

Named after a Celtic deity, Lugh has a rather inflated opinion of himself. But it’s justly deserved. He’s fiercely loyal to Delia, he’s tough, and he’s pretty damn magical in his own right. He’s been with Delia since she was young, and since familiars don’t age, he’s still as snarky as he ever was.

Lugh’s not too big on the whole question thing. I tried, but he refused to cooperate. So, instead of our Q&A, here’s a little excerpt to give you a taste of Lugh.

 

An excerpt from CAUGHT IN CRIMSON
Copyright Regina Cole and Ellora’s Cave
All rights reserved.
 
The apartment door slammed with a dull thud. “Lugh, this is all your fault.”

What do you mean? All I did was to give you two some privacy. Lugh’s fuzzy tail wagged slowly.

Delia launched herself at the couch, connecting face-first with the cushions, with a solid whumph. “You gave me to that Neanderthal on a fricking silver platter. You were supposed to stay there with me, remind me why it was a bad idea to sleep with him again.”

Neanderthal? You liked everything he did to you. Lugh sniggered.

Delia rocketed upright. “You watched us? You dirty dog! And he most definitely did not treat me like a gentleman should. He tied me up with the damn seat belt.”

So what if I watched? You’ve seen me poop. Privacy clearly isn’t something either of us understands. And from where I was sitting, you seemed to enjoy the seat belt bondage. So that argument really isn’t going to fly. Lugh jumped onto the couch and stared Delia dead in the eye. She squirmed. You need a consort. He needs a woman. This is perfect.

“It is most definitely not perfect. He doesn’t get me, doesn’t understand the whole witch thing.” Delia stood and paced through the living room, absentmindedly stepping over a tall pile of shoes she’d been meaning to cart off to Goodwill for a few months. “I need to go out, find a guy who’s a better fit for a consort.”

Lugh yawned. Seemed like you two fit together pretty well to me. But whatever. I’m just the furry familiar, what the fuck do I know?

Delia scowled and went to the bedroom to change. Lugh was wrong, totally and completely. Adam would never fit into the role of consort. He was, well, just too much.
 
 

Okay, so what do you think of Lugh? Got any questions about him? Any questions FOR him? If you promise him Chicken McNuggets, he just might answer them!

And don’t forget to enter the giveaway! Only a few more days remain before the contest ends! Win ebooks, giftcards, and more! And feel free to tell your friends. There will be 11 winners after all!

Rafflecopter CAUGHT IN CRIMSON Giveaway! Click the image below for the form!

^^^^^^^^^^Entry Form HERE!! ^^^^^^^^^^^^

It's Caught in Crimson Day! With PRIZES!

Reblogged from Darker Temptations:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It's here it's here it's finally HERE!!!!

Yup, that's it. Today, finally, CAUGHT IN CRIMSON releases from Ellora's Cave! If you saw my post earlier in the week, you know that this is Day 3 of the Super Awesome Spectacular Caught in Crimson Release Tour! If you didn't, well, welcome! And you're in luck. Because today, and several more days from now, you'll have a chance to enter to win the grand prize.

Read more… 488 more words

Come see me on Day 3 of the Tour!

Caught in Crimson Release Celebration! With PRIZES!

Hi there romance fans!

I am SO FREAKING EXCITED to be able to finally share this book with you. Caught in Crimson’s release is in just TWO SHORT DAYS!! So, here on the blog today, we’re going to kick it off in style.

Welcome to the first stop on my first ever blog tour! Hop on the train, ladies and gents, because these are the prizes up for grabs:

GRAND PRIZE: One lucky winner gets…

An ebook copy of EACH of the books in the upcoming Spellbinding series*, beginning with Caught in Crimson, PLUS a $25 Amazon Giftcard!

*note- these will be delivered upon each book’s release. Basically this means you get a free book about every six months or so until Spellbinding is done.

RUNNER UP PRIZES: Ten others will receive…

One of 5 $5 Amazon Giftcards OR

One of 5 copies of Caught in Crimson, book one of the Spellbinding series

Are you not convinced you need to enter yet? Here. I’ll post the excerpt from Caught in Crimson. If you like it, enter on the Rafflecopter form below!

Make sure you stop by the rest of the blog tour spots for more entries, and more stuff about Caught in Crimson and the rest of the world of Spellbinding!

Blog Tour Locations!

6-Feb
Regina Cole’s blog

Day 1
Introduction, Contest, Excerpt


7-Feb
Sidney Bristol’s blog

Day 2
Character Spotlight – Delia


8-Feb
Darker Temptations

Day 3
Character Spotlight – Adam


9-Feb
Anya Breton’s blog

Day 4
Character Spotlight – Ravenna


10-Feb
Stacey Kennedy’s blog
Day 5
Character Spotlight – Lugh


11-Feb
Virginia Cavanaugh’s blog

Day 6
Character Spotlight – Darkness


12-Feb
Missy Jane’s blog

Day 7
A Reading of Caught in Crimson


13-Feb
Denise Tompkins’ blog
Day 8
The World of Spellbinding – Witches in Color


14-Feb
Denyse Bridger’s blog Bound by Passion
Day 9
The World of Spellbinding – Upcoming Stories


15-Feb
Regina Cole’s blog

Day 10
Finale




Excerpt from Caught in Crimson

Copyright Regina Cole and Ellora’s Cave

All rights reserved

Adam’s brain boggled. He was in Delia Oaks’ apartment. A very messy, very cluttered apartment. He’d been injured by a shadow creature, fucked by a witch, then he’d watched as she blew the shadows to kingdom come. And now, after a nice, pretty normal dinner, he’d been given a magical bandage with the aid of a really cute poodle. What in four fucking hells was going on?

“Let me just lay this out there simply.” She lifted her pointer finger. “One, I am a witch.”

He tried to keep his frustration from mounting. Tough job. “I know. You told me that. How about keeping this conversation grounded in a modicum of reality.”

“It is. As I said, I’m a witch. Two…” Her middle finger raised. “Witches fight Darkness. They’re the creatures that chased us and made your back look like it had a cross between gangrene and frostbite. Normally humans can’t see them, but since you were with me, you got the dubious benefit of their company.”

Adam’s legs shook, aching with the need to pace, to move, to keep from sitting still and facing that what she was saying might be true. If pacing were possible in the tiny apartment’s living room, he’d have considered it. But with the space crammed with furniture, junk and plain old trash? No way. Tensing his thighs, he set his jaw and nodded for her to continue.

“Three, if witches didn’t fight Darkness, those shadows would take over the earth like they’ve taken over the Underworld.” She waggled three fingers in the air.

“And that’s bad.” His statement drew a nod from her.

“Very. The ideas that most people have of Hell? They’re of a Darkness-controlled Underworld. So we witches keep the peace.” Lugh jumped into her lap with a clear snort. She sighed as she ruffled his ears. “And our familiars help.”

“Wait. You want me to believe that you have a poodle for a familiar?” For some reason, the shadow creatures were more believable than a magical fuzz ball. Adam drew back slightly as the dog showed his tiny white teeth.

Yeah, I’m her familiar. I have more magic in my useless dewclaws than you have in your whole body. You give good scratches but don’t think you can talk smack to me and get away with it.

The floor and Adam’s jaw connected with a thump.

“Lugh. I told you to keep quiet.” Delia pointed at the dog with an admonishing grimace.

The poodle lay in her lap, giving Adam the stink-eye. Just tell your stud here to keep the comments to himself. I’m very sensitive.

“That is his voice I’m hearing in my head, right?” Proud of his nearly steady tone, Adam stiffened his spine and pinned the pair with a tell-me-the-truth stare.

Delia sighed and scratched Lugh’s ears. “Yes, that’s him. He was supposed to stay quiet but he had other ideas.” Her gaze caught his. “Listen. I’m really sorry you got caught up in that shit this morning. I’m also sorry that circumstances didn’t let us get to know each other in a more normal way. I like you, but I don’t think this is going to work out.” Her white teeth caught the pink skin of her lower lip.

Adam’s guts went cold. Seriously? He went on one date with a girl, had mind-blowing sex and that was her idea of “not working out”? He searched his fevered brain for any words other than what the fuck?

Seeming pressured, she rushed to fill his silence. “It’s not you, it’s me. There’s this issue within my coven and I’ve got to take a high-level position with tons of responsibility and pressure and stuff, and the timing for a new human relationship isn’t that great for me.”

“So you asked me out for no reason.” He barked a bitter laugh. “Well, at least you didn’t lead me on too long.”

His frank statement stumped her and she tripped over her words. “I, well, that is, you see, I hadn’t planned on…”

“Know what? Forget it.” Adam stood, keeping his fists at his sides. “For what it’s worth, I had a good time tonight and I was willing to give this whole witch thing a shot, even though I was sure you were crazy at first. But if you’re not interested…” He let his shrug finish the sentence and he turned to go. A dull ache settled in his chest. Why had he bothered?

“Adam, wait.”

A glance over his shoulder revealed that she’d stood and was cradling the poodle close to her chest. Her eyes were wide with trepidation.

“I’m sorry. Listen, can’t we be friends? If I find a way to get out of this mess, I’d be really interested in trying again. But right now I can’t commit to anything more than that. So what do you say?” Her words came softly, pleading.

Come on, man, she’s squeezing me too hard. Just say yes.

Adam sighed and stared at the floor. This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. He was going to do it anyway. “Fine. Just don’t crush the poodle.”

She let the dog jump to the couch and turned to Adam with a sheepish smile. “Okay, so…friends.” She stuck her hand out.

He shook it, trying like hell not to notice the soft slide of her skin on his palm. The way her breasts rose and fell when she breathed, her freckled shoulders creamy against the low neckline of her white sundress. The way she smelled like coconut and spice, exotic and tantalizing. His cock did push-ups.

Pulling away, he cleared his throat. “Friends it is.”

The silence was heavy. He stared at her, unable to forget how her body had received him that morning. How she’d writhed against him, purring and moaning as if she could never get enough. His blood warmed, flowing thick and wanting in his veins. How could he already want her again so badly? He was acting like a horny teenager with zero self-control. He needed to get a grip, and quick.

Didja like it? I hope so! Enter the Rafflecopter form below for your chance to win lots of good stuff, and don’t forget to like, share, and come back tomorrow for the next post and more chances to win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Healthier Me Update #2

Well, I should have done this earlier today. But I didn’t. For some reason, looming deadlines are attractive to looming deadlines. They gather in clusters, like sharks scenting blood in the water.

I’m still treading water, but barely!

By Nancy ~ from Orlando, FL, USA [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Anyways, here’s my update this week on the state of my healthy resolution. (Don’t forget, you can join the #healthierme13 challenge! Just use the hashtag on twitter, and check out Sidney Bristol’s blog for more. We’ve got a little tribe growing!)

So since my last update, I had the cold from hell. I’m talking the can’t breathe, coughing, sneezing, knock you on your ass kind of cold. Yup, it was miserable. BUT, I will have you know, I DID NOT VEER FROM MY CAVEMAN DIET. It was tempting!! It was sooooo tempting. Especially Friday night, when husband, trying to be helpful to his poor, sick wife, said, “do you want me to bring home dinner? I could get pizza!”

I said yes, then immediately took it back. I sent his ass to the grocery store for fresh meat and veggies.

Like I said last week, the incredible weight loss from my first week was more than likely due to bloat and water weight. It’s slowed down to a much healthier rate now. Since my last update, I’ve shed another 1.6 pounds. Not bad for being plastered to the couch for almost half the week. That brings my weight loss total to 12.6 pounds so far. Only 37.4 to go before I hit my birthday goal!

In other healthy news, I am considering making my own kefir. I’ve heard it’s super awesomely chock full of probiotics, especially if you make it at home with goat milk. Anyone tried this? Tips?

(BTW, come back later this evening for awesome blog hop and prize news! W00t!)

Regina’s Sunday Toybox #1

Hi there, ladies and gents.

Today I embark upon a new journey. I hope you enjoy it as much as I plan to, hehehe.

Today’s post is called “Sunday Toybox” This will be a semi-regular post to review what some of us enjoy very much indeed.

That’s right. I’m talking about sex toys.

As an author, it’s tough to review books. Some see it as being in poor taste, since I write them. Fair enough, but authors are some of the most voracious readers I know!

Because I DO have opinions, and I find it cathartic to share them, I thought I’d exercise my right to trumpet them on this blogspace, in a manner that would be beneficial to all my readers.

So, without further ado, here we go!

Regina’s Sunday Toybox #1-
Butterfly Kiss Waterproof G-Spot Vibe by California Exotic Novelties

First of all, this thing is damn cute. Lookit the little butterfly! And the hearts on the base! And it’s pink! Okay, enough gushing for cripes’ sake.

This little number (and I say little, because, well, it is.) has three vibration speeds, controlled by a little button on the base. The description says it’s waterproof, but I’ve not tested out that particular claim. The material is nice, flexible but firm. And at the price, (currently $14.99 on Amazon, but I think I paid about 10 bucks for it) it’s a nice starter vibe.

That being said, it is rather diminutive. It’s sort of like a tease. The idea gets you motivated, but the little engine gives it all it’s got, captain, and in the end a zucchini might have been more satisfying.

In summation, if you’re a tiny lady, this might fit the bill perfectly. If you’re of normal size, then I say skip the tiny butterfly and move up to something more substantial. After all, nobody likes to be turned on and left wanting.

And one more problem with this particular cutie.

If you leave the batteries in, sometime in the middle of the night it will START UP FOR NO APPARENT REASON,  scaring the shit out of your dogs and making your husband LEAP to your defense, cracking his head on the baseboard in the process. Yeah. It’s possessed by gremlins, also.

In summation, I give the Butterfly Kiss

2 Flaming Hearts out of 5.

Is this segment interesting to you guys? Do you like the idea of Sunday Toybox? Any suggestions for things to review, or any comments about the Butterfly?

Leave em all below!

Glamour Sh*ts

Okay, I’ve been stewing on this post for a while now.

You know, I have worked with the public. I’ve done it a lot. I know that it’s often a thankless job, with lots of pain, suffering, and the occasional stingy benefit. But NEVER have I had an experience like the one I had with that haven of the early 90′s, Glamour Shits, I mean Shots.

I warn you, this is is going to be LONG and EXTRA-RANTY. But it should be worth it. I hope.

I like Groupons. I do. I use them a lot to discover new restaurants, new places to visit, new business to frequent. I’ve gotten good meals, good massages, even good acupuncture through Groupon.

But the day that my sister *Bambi (her codename. For reals.) and I each decided to purchase the Groupon for Boudoir Glamour Shots was a dark day indeed.

It took us a while to actually go and visit said establishment. But one Saturday in January, we finally got the time to go and get them done for our respective significant others. Just in time for Valentine’s day, or so we thought.

I was dashing out the door to my HCRW chapter meeting when I called for the appointment. Good thing I did, too, because we had to bring our own outfits. Surprise number one. I realize that my information is coming from the era of Lisa Frank and slap bracelets, but I’d always thought that Glamour Shots provided outfits for their pictures. Shrugged, gathered up a bunch of lingerie and one of hub’s Yankees jerseys, and set off.

Bambi and I had an appointment at 5:00pm. I arrived at 4:45, and Bambi was right behind me about ten minutes later. From the MOMENT I stepped into the lobby of this overpriced overphotoshopped hell on earth, the customer service was SHITE.

I stood at the counter, smiling politely at the receptionist, who was way more concerned about the customer on the phone than the one standing in front of her. About five minutes later, she covered the mouthpiece.

Not bad hair and makeup. Pic taken with my phone.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes, my sister and I have appointments at 5?”

“Okay, have a seat.”

And she went back to her conversation.

At 5:25, we got tired of sitting in the waiting area. I went back to Cheerful at the counter.

“Is there anything else we need to do to check in?”

“Oh, I’ll be right with you.”

Five minutes later we got our sign-in forms. I kept sniffing my armpits unobtrusively. Did I smell? Was there some reason that their twelve staff members were ignoring my sister and I?

I smelled fine to me.

After that, we got to the only pleasant part of the entire experience: the hair and makeup. This cute little guy came and fetched us from front-lobby oblivion, and plopped us down in the stylist chairs with the promise that he’d fix me up, and someone else would do Bambi. Weeeeeell, it took more than an hour for my hair and makeup to be done. My poor sister sat there the whole time, waiting. No one came to help out cute little guy, so Bambi and I swapped chairs and waited another hour plus for him to do her hair and makeup.

He actually did a pretty nice job, if I do say so. He should quit that hellhole.

But then he disappeared. The way they all disappeared.

Okay, let me pause at this point to say:

 

Right before the last set of pictures. I’m EXHAUSTED.

It had been a busy day. I hadn’t eaten much more than a bagel. I know that wasn’t smart, but Bambi and I were planning on a nice dinner. This place is in a pretty big mall. Lots of nice restaurants. We figured we’d be done by 7:30, 8:00, and then go have a nice meal together.

It is now 8:30, and we’ve not had the first picture snapped. I had a headache, and I was becoming a bit concerned.

But Bambi and I are both EXCEPTIONALLY polite people, so we just rolled with it. But when the mom and daughter that had arrived at about 7:00 got a dressing room before my sister and I, I began to become PRETTY PISSED.

But whatever. We slapped on some outfits, and began snapping pictures. The photographer lady was nice enough, when she wasn’t ignoring us. We’d get dressed, sit down and wait for the other customers to vacate the one studio, and get our pictures done. Let me just say there was NOTHING GLAMOROUS ABOUT THIS ENTIRE SITUATION. The drops were old and ratty, the floors were scratched, and the ghetto-fabulous flash system was blinding Bambi because it would go off for no apparent reason in between shots.

We finished the pictures at 10:00 pm. FIVE FUCKING HOURS. So we get to the counter, both of us hungry, exhausted, and quite frankly fucking pissed, when Cheery from before says

“Well ladies, it’s going to take another 45 minutes or an hour before we can get your pictures uploaded and you can view them.”

I put my foot down.

“You guys want to go home, we want to go home, the photographer said we could come back and view them later.”

Cheery wasn’t happy about it (can you tell her name is sarcastic???) but she said sure.

I’m going to cut quite a bit of the return trip. But I assure you, it was JUST AS PLEASANT AS THE INITIAL. I went from arguing with the chippy that answered the phone and said that we COULDN’T go view our photos that day, to arriving and getting ignored AGAIN, to viewing some of the most crappy pictures I have seen this side of a Wal-Mart portrait studio. Seriously. My cell phone pictures from 2004 were of better quality.

And the prices? HOLY SHIT. They wanted $800.00 US American Dollars for 5 PICTURES.

We both said no, fuck you very much. We’d just take what our Groupons entitled us to.

I just got my “digital image, suitable for internet use.”

Want to see it?

This is full size. I shit you not.

It’s a fucking postage stamp.

All told, this was SEVEN HOURS OF MY LIFE, and for what? A picture so small it wouldn’t cover one of my damn nipples.

I’m not the kind of person that’s picky. In general, I believe the best of people.

But Glamour Shots? Wow. Seriously. Just wow.

Please, if you don’t wipe your ass with thousand-dollar bills, and if you value your time outside shopping malls, DO NOT VISIT GLAMOUR SHITS. Unless you’re l0oking for ways to deepen your depression.