Raven Moore's Blog, page 2

Poetry of Addictions

Feeling you have nothing

to lose because

you feel

you have

nothing

and

anything could be

better

than the nothingness

you feel

too bad to be real

realize that

when loving yourself

conflicts

with wanting to be

loved

or feeling lovely

you sit in seats

and take rides

partying with strangers

who

only know you

as well as you know yourself

in sickness

not in health

wealth is not inside your mind

but your soul

it cannot be fabricated

nor generated

by the perfect thought

or bought and sold

wealth is not bold

it’s calm

indifference feeling

secure

when nothing around you is

not trying to make the outside in

but putting the inside out

without

question

or

performance

wanting to be loved

cannot be

in conflict with

loving yourself

Recently

Just recently

I’m amused 

that

I have opportunities

which were not opportunities before

which appeared to be road blocks

obstacles to be knocked

out of the way

off with their heads

But now

somehow

what once was

is

no longer

and so I am faced

with the challenge 

to reinvent myself

in order to meet the challenge

that I never knew

existed

Feeling Fat

The beginning of my juice fast is making me feel sad. Beyond basic hunger, the soothing feeling of food is near gone. I have a small carb-centric meal in the morning then I juice 32 oz worth of fruits and vegetables to sustain me, along with my intake of 104 oz (13 glasses) of water, throughout the day. The first thing I’m disappointed to realize is that food is the only thing that soothes me. Most of the thoughts my mind visits over the next 16 hours of wakefulness are not comforts that replace the desire to eat—a desire that persists even without stomach pains.

I watch pizza show after pizza show on youtube and imagine every bit of olive oil and milky mozzarella sliding down my tongue with fresh basil and savory sweet tomato sauce. The bread pushes back ever so gently as I sink my teeth into it and sink my lips into the juices on top of it.

Before my fast started, I watched shows about people afraid to eat for whatever reason and their restraint astonished me—that they could appear to be normal people who in reality were torturing themselves towards an undefined, early date of demise—wasting away gradually and not perceptibly enough to make them stop until it is too late. Do they feel what I feel now? I feel uncertain that I’ll make it through the day and the only thing keeping me together is knowing that the next morning when I wake up, I won’t be hungry at all because I ate just enough food and drank just enough green juice and water to hold me over until I could lay perfectly still for 8 hours without needing any sustenance.

Three days into the fast and I no longer feel sad. I feel a resurgence of passion for food that I do not recall the last time I’ve had. I look forward to eating because I know I’ll be hungry right before I eat it. My one true meal is what I think about all day long until I get to it in the morning. I plan for it. Initially, I planned a day ahead but then a couple of days in, I have every meal planned for the rest of the week. My meals are reaching professional culinary proportions—at least making guacamole seems so to me.

Saturday, I’m going to make mushroom and cauliflower soup. I recently decided to add taro, but it’s poisonous so I task my husband with letting me know when to stop boiling it. Is insanity like this? Does an obsession take over all other reality? Or, am I just hungry? Maybe both. I’ve lost 6 pounds in 5 days and my favorite jeans are now my favorite jeans again. While cooking, I imagine it would make a good youtube video. I imagine that I could make a living off of people watching me fumble my way through learning how to prepare for myself exactly what is best for me to eat.

I don’t want to weigh 180 anymore. I’ve never been more than 165 for more than three decades. Why do I have to give into what is assumedly inevitable for other people? I care. Taking a long time to stand up or fearing sitting down because it will take a lot to get up again is not my idea of the good life. 

I have fasted four times before. The first time, I was in the Peace Corps in Cote d’Ivoire and I wanted to sympathize with the Jula, Senoufo, Mossi, and other Muslim ethnicities there that forged through the Fast of Ramadan once a month, every year. One meal just before sunrise, another meal just after sunset, break your fast with water both times, and do not eat or drink any water throughout the day. I lasted two weeks until Thanksgiving and I thought I could restart the fast thereafter. It did not happen. I had already gotten the real benefit of my fasting experience by then—appreciation. The second time, I lasted for one month. The third time, I just kept going for half a year until one day my mind switched on and clearly told me, “You don’t need to do this anymore.” I felt so good for those 6 months. Everything that I ate had a purpose and I could feel it in my body. Nothing went to waste. The amount that I ate every day was just enough. I felt strong and I was going for runs daily even. 

But, now I’m feeling unsure this fourth time. I’ve gone a bit extreme—no second meal just after sunset. I don’t know if these rushing feelings to down something quickly are feelings I should push through or feelings that are warning me I’ve pushed myself too far. So, I break and eat twice today along with my green juice. And, I want to eat more. But, again, I just want to eat more. I’m not actually hungry now. My energy has increased. However, I miss that feeling of a good taste—something I know will automatically make me feel happy, in that moment, to be alive because in this moment I’m not sure I’m happy to be alive when all I am is hungry. And, still, I cannot tell the difference between what I want and what I need. I’m not sure if this fast this time is making me appreciate the basic things in life or it is just making me feel basic. Are needs better than wants and does that play out in the same way on macro and micro scales? Why am I juxtaposing the two? Perhaps, if I keep going, I will find out—meaning, doing everything I can to keep myself alive.

 

 

 

 

That Spirit

Currently holding

that spirit

of optimism

I found it somewhere

between the front and back of

my skull

not quite in the middle

but always

negotiating

its place

because after all

it is

a spirit

and it does not belong

to me

It knows when I’m happy

motivated by something

outside of myself

and it laughs because

just because

it exists

and my desire for it

comes and goes

sometimes I desire

sadness

or anger in the morning

at the beginning

what should have been

the end of it

and alas

as it is with everything else

that does not

belong to you

to be continued . . . . .

LSAT Blues

I got the LSAT Blues

because I

sat and stood

and ran

and dreamed

and printed

copy

after copy

of pages

of notes

of tests

of tests already taken

and taken

and took them

again

and again

I tried to win

until I got in

but then

they said

oh, sleepy head

go to bed

you can take

the

GRE

because it’s more freeeeeeee

or is it

really? . . .

just because

the LSAT is

no good

that’s my two cents

on luck

is there such a thing as

good luck and

bad luck

for

four hours

yes

a bad 4-hour drive in the rain

losing a loved one and going insane

for four hours

losing a loved one and feeling the pain

for four hours

laying in the sun

while enjoying light rain

for four hours

reading a book

enhancing your brain

four hours

sometimes

you just get lucky

and it doesn’t mean you’re smarter than the unlucky

ones

sometimes you do everything

right and

sometimes you didn’t know you did everything

wrong

finishing is being strong

so finish

and

do it

again

LSAT

 

Sorry

but

I have no

poems for you

today

unless you feel

some poetic justice

from hearing

that I’ve passed

the LSAT

well . . .

we’ll see

Crying is Passion

Crying is

passion

for life

Feeling is through tears

not skin

Feel the pain

the joy

the loss

the happiness

within

Crying is not a sin

Embrace yours

your feelings

just cause

you want to

just cause

you can

let yourself

go

feel free

grieve

remember

explore from the inside

out

don’t forget to shout

go all out

crying

is

passion

for

life

Slacktivism Hypothesis

Slacktivism is at best

a hypothesis

unless

it’s true that

youtube makes me

better

by improving my attention

span to 3 minutes

or less

that one minute

is enough

to create a sensation

a movement

that spreads

across the globe in 24 hours

and is imitated

not because it’s adored

but because

it’s imitated for the sake of being

imitated

Slacktivism is at best

at its best

because 30 seconds is only enough time

to finish my most important thought

which may never come to me

if I only get three minutes

to remember

what everyone soon forgets

the fantastic

the funny

the adorable

the phenomenons

people remember the mundane

people idolize that or

who

which

no longer

exists

the only thing that exists

is you

after 3 minutes

when everything is paused

and you are forced to choose

between the dilemma 

of

creating

yourself

or watching

others create

that’s why slacktivism

is at best

the best hypothesis

for why

you should not be inspired

by anything

except yourself

because

who can do that

better

than

you

?

Mother’s Day

Excuse me if I sound annoyed

but

everyday is

Mother’s Day

there are no days off

no lack in memories

no incidents too small

every day

Mothers sacrifice

their time

energy

spirit

brain power

sleep

what little left over they have of motivation

all for the sake of

you

all of you

every last one of you

Mothers make

the world

goes round and round

Mothers create

people

go lost and found

whether you like your mother or not

every day

is Mother’s Day

so thank your mother

for being on this earth

she gave birth

to your ungrateful self

in sickness or in health

for rich or for poor

til death do you part

and even then

she is still

YOUR MOTHER

Defined

Precisely at the moment

I was defined

I turned a blind eye

and lifted my head up

to see two birds

flying

away from me

a dog appeared

and yelled

I made them leave

but I kept running

not afraid that the dog would

catch me

me knowing the dog

better than it knew itself

or me

eyeing its thirst only

could not be a mistake

I too am thirsty

but I get sidetracked

with potato chips and atlanta housewives

wondering why I don’t have

what they have

but I’m smarter

than them

am I

I didn’t know I was supposed

to define myself

until the moment the dog

yelled at me

because I overlooked

what it was so thirsty to have