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David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Abandonment and Child Abuse

David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Abandonment and Child Abuse: Abandonment & Child Abuse Part of My Story Three types of child abuse include sexual, physical and emotional. I was neve...

Abandonment and Child Abuse

Abandonment & Child AbusePart of My Story
Three types of child abuse include sexual, physical and emotional. I was never abused sexually and am unable to speak to that issue. Statistics gathered by the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System in 2012, revealed 78% of reported cases of child abuse were from neglect, 18% from physical abuse and 9% from sexual abuse. 1640 children died in 2012 from physical abuse in America. Physical abuse is defined as punching, kicking, and beating, biting and burning.
I was a victim of physical and emotional abuse. Those two forms of abuse happened to me from age eight until age seventeen – at which point I graduated from high school and left the house immediately. You can read about my abuse in my book, The Shade Tree Choir. My web site is www.davidnelsonauthor.com.
Here is the prologue from The Shade Tree Choir. “I struggled for air and could only whimper for him to stop hurting me. I could feel my ribs being crushed against the floor by his heavy weight on my upper back. The sheer force of his hand stung my wrist as he pulled my arm behind my back and yanked sharply upward. I thought he was going to break it off. The shag carpet ground against my face like sandpaper and I could feel the tearing of my skin. My nose pushed into the fibers and I could barely breathe through the burning sensation of pain. I gagged at the smell of the filthy tattered carpet, at the stench of a decade’s worth of dog waste and urine. As I struggled weakly against his grip, I choked on the odor of unwashed feet, mud, grime, and ground-in food. My stomach heaved at the sickly scent of bourbon and beer and hopelessly, my tears and sweat mingled into the carpet beneath me.
Why was my dad doing this awful thing to me? What had I done to deserve such treatment?
I was eight years old.” 

My mother was mentally ill and both parents were alcoholics. Those factors and their abusive personalities were the causes for my childhood maltreatment. Readers here from similar backgrounds will nod in agreement about today’s subject. Abandonment by parents who are alcoholics causes a lifetime fear that begins in childhood.
In my case, I had no maternal nurturing - none, whatsoever. I never heard the words, “I love you” from my mother. There were no questions from her about how I felt, what I might have done on any certain day or what opinions I might have had.
That sterile relationship is a form of abandonment. The child is left to fend for himself and tries to develop trust on his own. The trust or belief system is: “How do I know you too won’t abandon me?” Children in situations like mine have no skills or knowledge about how to trust others. Consequently, the child struggles seeking a method to develop such. That child learns quickly to become self-reliant dealing with issues of trust.
The child develops both insulation and isolation techniques. One technique tends to become more dominant. As the child ages, he/she will then follow primarily one of those techniques because it worked better as a survival tool when the child was small.
Some examples of insulation might include shutting down or becoming numb emotionally in order to feel no pain. Often this person is referred to as having a wall or a barrier around his inner self. The child shuts others out, has difficulty with interpersonal relationships because he/she won’t share feelings. There is that deep-seated lack of trust that if someone enters into their heart, they will cause great pain.
The older the person becomes, the better they are at insulating themselves. The person who follows this path does attempt to become involved emotionally with others – such as with the opposite sex. However, the relationship is limited in how far it can grow because of the lack of trust issue. Insulating personality types tend to be self-reliant strong-willed and are comfortable up to a certain level of attachment.
Isolating is when the individual totally refuses to become attached. This person uses that wall for protection and never lowers it. Trusting in all relationships is miniscule at best. This individual may have difficulty in all social environments.
It is not unusual with physical abuse situations to experience what I call the yo-yo syndrome. There were times, as a kid, when I was beaten and punched with a fist, kicked with steel-toed work boots or whipped with a belt. Before I could even recuperate from that pain, my dad’s personality changed and all of us might pile into the car and go get ice cream cones. This inconsistent behavior taught me to expect something negative was going to happen with every positive event. I learned not to trust those positive events - because surely something bad would follow. This began early on from the feelings of, “Come here I love you. Now, get the hell out of my face because I hate your guts.”
I constantly analyze every word spoken to me by others to gain a sense of their loyalty. I can be someone’s best friend if I feel they will not harm me. I will run away emotionally and physically as well, from anyone who presents any sign of that yo-yo syndrome. I had to take it as a helpless child, but I don’t have to accept it as an adult.
The constant analyzing for over six decades has brought with it significant anxiety. I suspect it may be an underlying cause of some of my health issues because of stress. I live with constant fear of abandonment. Again, after all, if my own parents abandoned me, then others surely will.
What I described are two examples of emotional and physical abandonment. That type of sterile and yo-yo behavior occurred every day in my life while living at home. I am no different than all the other people who had alcoholic parents. It’s a common practice and it’s a common character flaw we adults of alcoholic parents carry with us.
I know of people who actually sabotage their employment and/or their personal relationships just to “prove” that things will fall apart. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the belief process that they will be abandoned. The person lives under constant anxiety wondering when things will fall apart.
He/she can live life, as a pessimist feeling bad events will be coming their way. Consequently, the stress they experience can lead to actual physical ailments. Stress can maim and it can kill us. The individual becomes a person who has to be in control. Because with control comes safety that there will be no harm done to them.
Here is a practical example. Imagine two people have a long distance relationship of more than 800 miles (for an example) and are planning to unite in the future. Let’s say the man is a victim of abuse and has serious deficiency issues with trust and fear of being abandoned. He has absolutely no control over the behavior of his lady friend. He cannot see her to communicate any feelings and all he has is her spoken or written word. That man will revert to the skills he learned as a child wondering when he will be abandoned. The relationship will fail – 100% guaranteed, because he has no control. Now imagine the woman has the same childhood issues. Their relationship is caustic.
I have worked on my fear of abandonment for thirty-five years. 99% of the time it is in check and hidden deep inside. I feel control. When I fail, I experience a terrible reaction. I feel sick to my stomach like I did at age eight when I was about to be beaten. I then have to react to rid myself of the emotional pain.
Techniques I use include the wall (in times of emergency), meditation, physical exercise, sleep, writing and visualization. The wall is an emotional barrier where I shut down and do not share my inner feelings or myself. I realize that using the wall is not healthy in my relationship, but it’s an old, dear friend. Shutting down can last a couple of hours, a day or up to a week. I use meditation to help get rid of my physical symptoms. That is my best form of treatment.
I will work hard at the gym and the adrenaline and other chemical releases help eliminate physical reactions to my fears. I may also try long hours of deep sleep. This too, can reduce stress. I love to write and can escape the overwhelming sense of sadness that comes when fear of being abandoned is present. I visualize myself as being in control of situations.
I also use laughter. When we experience deep laughter there are chemical releases that occur in the body known as “happy hormones”. This creates a sense of euphoria and reduces stress. I may watch a comedy, make up stories that are funny or see comical moments in everyday life.
Another powerful tool I use is called a Treasure Map. I think about the goals in life that I wish to achieve. I find pictures that remind me of those goals. The pictures are taped to a board and placed in my bathroom. Every night and every evening I touch the pictures and tell myself I will meet the goals. I don’t ask when or how. I just know they will be met. I am on my third Treasure Map in my adult life. I met every single goal posted on my previous Treasure Maps.
All of the techniques I described can be healthy tools for managing daily stress. Using the wall to shut out others is the least accepted.

Do You Wonder?

Some Thoughts I Wonder About
Why is a mosquito buzzing in my ear as loud as the Zephyr train that I heard as a kid approaching the East Dubuque, Illinois Train Station? Yet, I don’t hear “Trixie” when she speaks?
How does a really heavy person get out of the back seat of a two-door car?
Did anyone ever whisper outside a hospital near the signs that read, “Quiet Hospital Zone?”
When I’m trying to swat a fly, it seems to remain still only when it lands on my body. Why is that?
Why do some people jump from spiders and run from snakes but won’t walk around the block for exercise? Maybe we need more insects and reptiles for weight loss.
Did you ever notice the shortest sentence ever spoken is found in the Bible? It is, “I am.” The longest sentence ever spoken is, “I do.”
Why do some employers refuse to hire people who smoke, and yet they hire people who are morbidly obese?
If I drink the rest of a glass that is half-empty, am I still a pessimist?
I drink two ounces of red wine a day because some reports say it’s healthy for my heart. Other reports say three ounces a day is considered heavy drinking. I wonder if I should stop going to communion?
Why is it that the older I become, the better I was?
Boys and men laugh when their friends call them disgusting names. Why don’t girlfriends and wives laugh if we were to say the same words to them? Aren’t they our friends?
Would I save money if I sprayed my yard to kill the grass and then mowed the weeds every week?
Why does it rain soon after I wash my truck?
Why does a clean car seem to ride better?
Does my dermatologist ever vacation at the beach?
Why do people ahead of me in line buy or redeem lottery tickets on days when I’m in a hurry?
Why do some drivers pull out in front of me and then slow down in the “fast lane?”
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. If I eat a piece of cake while backing up, will I feel better?

David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Do You Wonder?

David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Do You Wonder?: Some Thoughts I Wonder About Why is a mosquito buzzing in my ear as loud as the Zephyr train that I heard as a kid approaching the Ea...

David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Seize The Day

David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Seize The Day: “Carpe Diem – Seize The Day” I believe we think too much. Thinking and analyzing is healthy and an intelligent step for certain m...

Seize The Day

“Carpe Diem – Seize The Day”
I believe we think too much. Thinking and analyzing is healthy and an intelligent step for certain major events. However, sometimes our thinking can deter us from having fun. One piece of my philosophical mantra about happiness is to suck the marrow out of Life each day.
I liken it slapping a bull’s ass and then running as fast as you can. I rode a bull once. The key word is once. I’ve done many things once. I enjoy new experiences just for the exposure to what Life has to offer.
I have created pottery, made soap by hand, weaved baskets, made jewelry, played the dulcimer, enrolled in an improvisation class for comedy and attended an art class where we drank wine and drew a painting. My painting looked pretty nice by the time the wine bottle was empty.
I jumped from a fifty-foot cliff into the Gauley River in West Virginia, went sky diving, rafted the Colorado River in the bottom of the Grand Canyon and rafted the Gauley River – “Where nobody hears you scream.”
I flew in a hot air balloon, an ultra-light airplane and parasailed. I bottle-fed a six-week old black bear cub, once had a pig and a chicken in my living room during a Sunday morning Bloody-Mary party and rode my horse into the swamps of Florida through grasses so high my horse’s head could not be seen. I wore a pair of pajamas to a dance sponsored by the J-Cs. The dance theme was “Morning At Night”.
I went snorkeling at night in Jamaica, hooked a shark and brought it into our john boat in the keys of Florida and many times drove my car with the top down while a blow-up doll was in the passenger seat next to me. On Good Friday one year, I rode my horse down a busy highway while I was dressed like a rabbit. I wore that same rabbit outfit with my top down on the car out on the interstate. That rabbit was also worn to work when I was employed as a physical therapist. My patients loved it.
When I was single, I participated in a fund raising event for The American Cancer Society. It was called “Bidding for Bachelors.” We men created and paid for a date package. The women bid on us. Their monies went to the Society. Some lady paid $550 for a date with me. Go figure.
I wore many costumes to work during my career. I dressed as leprechaun, a cow that had udders, and even dressed as Mrs. Claus. One year, while dressed as Mrs. Claus, I donated my time and played Christmas carols, with my saxophone, for nursing home residents. I assume the laughter was from my outfit and not my playing ability. I hope anyway.
I rappelled a seventy-foot cliff, jumped off a train bridge into the Mississippi River, fished from a dugout in a jungle and had lunch with rebel fighters in that same jungle during a civil war in Central America. During the Civil Rights movement, I was the only White person in a bar frequented by Blacks. That bar was in Alabama.
Some things I have done more than once. I returned to that bar in Alabama many times. Some of the fellas said I was their “token White boy”. That was a fun time. During the “hippie” movement, I had a full beard during graduate school. I wore a shirt with a peace symbol and went into a bar filled with conservative, truck drivers and rednecks. I did that to see reactions and to see if I could make it out in one piece. I liked the bar with my Black friends better. 
Despite being tone deaf and unable to read music, I learned to play the saxophone and was pleased when I could play some fifty songs. The neighbor’s dog seemed to enjoy my playing. He howled along with each tune I blasted a tune or two.
I learned to create stained glass artwork, made simple woodworking projects and having never been on a horse before – I took riding lessons and six weeks later rode through three states on horseback over 200 miles. I was a street entertainer for the City of Gatlinburg, Tennessee a few summers. Here is the link to see me. http://youtu.be/7HLy9hpVJ6c
I once listened to a cowboy poem and told myself I could do that. Years later, the Governor and General Assembly of Tennessee designated me as the first-ever Cowboy Poet Laureate of Tennessee. I have performed across America and opened for many international music stars. I now supplement my income performing my Cowboy Comedy Show. I have performed on NPR, Florida Public Television and have been featured in numerous print media.
I caught alligators with my bear hands, snorkeled with some fifty, huge manta rays and stood in the eye of a hurricane that passed through our town in Florida. I even ate a light bulb – just to prove to someone that I could. I won the bet.
I wrote a book about managing stress. I formed a speaking company and travelled throughout Florida sharing my knowledge and my book. I produced health-related videos and sold them worldwide. I have educated and entertained people from all walks of life. Why? Because I told myself I could. I believe there is nothing that keeps any of us from achieving what we want from Life.
Being spontaneous is part of me. I am addicted to the adrenaline rush that Life has to offer. I will leave the comforts of my home in a second and head out on any adventure. It is that attitude that keeps me smiling and keeps me young.
I have other core beliefs that guide me. We should give back to others in our communities. The more we give to others, the more we give to ourselves. I donate a percentage of my book and entertaining profits to non-profit groups and schools. I smile and take a minute to talk with old people. I like old people and often wonder what their stories might be. I say, “Hello” to strangers, smile often and laugh hard. I don’t judge others.
I have never forgotten my roots and my poor upbringing. When I return to where I was raised, I go back to my neighborhood and sit and think about that little frightened boy from years ago. My alcoholic parents and mentally ill mother emotionally and physically abused me during my childhood. I believe I am no better than anyone else and don’t “look down” on the less fortunate.
What is next for me? I have a meeting tomorrow with a talent agency that is looking for actors. Boy, I hope they don’t want me to advertise adult diapers for old people. I hope it’s a Viagra commercial – not that I need it – mind ya.
One day I shall ride in a helicopter, perform my Cowboy Comedy at a major university and sit with young folks to motivate them about believing in themselves. I would also tell them to kick the ass of anyone who bullies them. I don’t like bullies. I don’t care if they are little kids or the wealthy in our society who try to tell us what to do. I don’t like politicians. I also don’t like greed. Dante’ wrote about greed in his story “Inferno”. Read it sometime, it’s a great book.
My book, The Shade Tree Choir is being shopped in Hollywood to become a movie. I look forward to taking all my friends to the opening.
And so I challenge you, the reader of my words, to stop thinking so much. Learn a new task, be spontaneous, find a new hobby, laugh hard and help others. And you too will feel young as I do. For in two days I shall turn 65. I feel like I am 30.
You can enjoy my stories in my books at http://www.davidnelsonauthor.com
My Cowboy Comedy Show wed address is www.cowboycomedyshow.comHere's a link to a one-minute book trailer http://youtu.be/y3EWghb6qnSongs have been written about one of my books. Here are the links. http://youtu.be/oQApYp1S9O0 http://youtu.be/O5I_XS6xb70

Radio Interview with Dick McGrane at Super Hits 106.1 at McGrane In The ...

David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Meditation Health Benefits

David Nelson, Author & Cowboy Poet | PALS: Meditation Health Benefits: Benefits of Meditation “One method I use to find inner peace and reduce stress” Stress can maim, injure and even kill us. Str...

Meditation Health Benefits

Benefits of Meditation
“One method I use to find inner peace and reduce stress”
Stress can maim, injure and even kill us. Stress has been linked to high blood pressure, diabetes, heart conditions, lowered immune system, migraine headaches and even arthritis.
In the early 1990’s I wrote a book titled, Stress Management: Does Anyone In Chicago Know About It. I offered seminars throughout Florida to varied groups. My classes were approved for professional continuing education credits for nurses, physical therapists, opticians and contractors. I also taught the general public through my classes. I did years of research before writing my book. It now is out of print, but you may find used copies on Amazon.
I also have personal experience that qualifies me as an authority on stress. From age eight through age seventeen, I was physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic parents and mentally ill mother. I have lived a life combating anxiety disorder, clinical depression and was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago as a result of my past. I wrote a book about my experiences.
The Shade Tree Choir showcases my life and the abuse. It is being shopped in Hollywood to become a movie and songs have been written about my book. http://youtu.be/y3EWghb6qnU
One technique I use to combat the effects of stress is meditation. I also use exercise, treasure maps, mental imagery and positive thinking. I do not always succeed – but I keep trying.
Mayo Clinic has an excellent report about meditation and the benefits. It covers the following topics related to meditation: Understanding, Benefits, Types, Elements, Ways to practice and Building skills. Meditation is NOT a replacement for medical care. It’s another tool you can use for better health.
You will note in the article that meditation can reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, reduce asthma attacks, reduce depression, reduce pain and help with sleep problems. Here is the link.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/meditation/in-depth/meditation/art-20045858?pg=2

There are certain chemical changes that can occur in the body when we meditate. This information comes from an excellent report on-line. Here is the link. http://eocinstitute.org/meditation/dhea_gaba_cortisol_hgh_melatonin_serotonin_endorphins/

Increase Endorphins
·      Endorphins are internal pain killers·      This chemical is responsible for the all-encompassing sense of happiness·      They lower blood pressure·      Have been linked to fight cancer·      They are produced with the “runners high” when exercising
Boosts GABA
·      GABA is major inhibitory neurotransmitters in our brain and spinal cord.·      This chemical stabilizes mood disorders.·      Low levels of this chemical produce anxiety disorders and insomnia.·      Yale University performed a study and found those people with panic disorders had 22% less GABA than patients without panic disorders.·      Lowered levels of GABA are found in people with addictions. These addictions include: sex, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, caffeine and tobacco
Boosts Increased DHEA
·      DHEA is a hormone. Lowered levels of DHEA have been associated with cancer, headaches, obesity, chronic fatigue and rheumatoid arthritis.·      DHEA enhances memory, decreases depression, improves a person’s sense of psychological and physical well being and provides strong support for our immune system.
Boosts Increased Melatonin
·      Melatonin is a hormone produced in the brain. It’s responsible for creating restful sleep and is a powerful anti-oxidant.·      Stress lowers melatonin levels in the body.

Boosts Increased Serotonin
·      Serotonin has profound influence over mood and behavior·      When serotonin levels are low, depression, obesity, insomnia and sleep apnea can result.

Boosts Increased HGH
·      HGH is a human growth hormone that sustains tissue. HGH production begins to lower at around age 40.·      Decreased amounts lead to frailty that comes with aging. There is decreased muscle mass, increased body fat, poor moods and lack of motivation when this hormone is lowered.
Lowers Your Levels of Cortisol
·      We want LESS of this hormone.·      Higher amounts and more prolonged amounts of cortisol reduce bone density, elevate blood pressure, suppress the thyroid function, increase stress, causes an imbalance in blood sugar levels, increases abdominal body fat.·      High levels of cortisol have been associated with heart attacks, stroke, higher levels of LDL (bad cholesterol) and lower levels of HDL (good cholesterol).

How I Meditate
Meditation is one of many tools I use to combat my sadness and depression. I meditate sometimes two or three times a day – depending on my needs.
I sit, develop a passive attitude, touch my index fingers to my thumbs, my tongue rests on the hard palate on the roof of my mouth, I make certain my teeth do not touch (healthy, correct resting oral posture), the room is totally quiet and I focus on my breathing.
I meditate for fifteen minutes. I concentrate on the six chakras or zones and breathe from each chakra for six long, deep, slow inspirations. I start at the lowest Chakra and move toward the head. I end at the top of my by picturing the sliver light of the moon and the golden light of the sun flowing into my body and filling it from my feet to my head.The entire time I am listening to music designed for meditation. I focus on only one thing – deep breathing. 

I have just recently found another tool that helps clear my mind. Here is the link that so far has been powerful for me. I sit with eyes closed, use headphones and allow the sounds to penetrate my brain for fifteen minutes. It is a way of cleansing negative thoughts from my mind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvME_EylPXU
I suggest you find a teacher in your community to teach you one of the many meditation techniques. You may also find videos on You Tube that can be helpful.

How Do I Feel After I Meditate
The awful sensation of wanting to vomit when under stress is gone. Colors are brighter. Sounds become more crisp. I feel totally relaxed. I sense a feeling of absolute calm. The effects can last several hours or sometimes even a full day.
All depression is gone, all anxiety is gone and I feel in control. Once again, meditation is one of many tools. Good luck!

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