Tina Webb's Blog, page 5

Mother’s Day Book Giveaway

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There’s no eating out this year, unless you eat outside in your yard or take a picnic lunch to a nearby park. Gifts from your kids may be very creative, since none of our kids are in school making thoughtful gifts in their art classes.

Actually, many of you wish you could have a break! The house to yourself for several hours or a long hike. Right now, we can’t even go shopping or get our hair done.

All I have to give to you, fellow mom, is a prayer, some encouragement, and an opportunity to win a free book. Here is my simple prayer:

Lord, when I am unsteady, hold me up. Jesus, when I want to cry, be my pillow.
Lord, when pent up emotion makes me want to scream, be my safe place of release.
And then Lord, during the moments when a smile comes easily, help me pause and say, “Thank You”.

I encourage you with an excerpt from Chapter Eight: Joy, A Secret Weapon from my new release, Cultivating the Souls of Parents.

Psalm 30:5: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”  Parenting can make us weary and frustrated. Do you have a child that for whatever reason deals with procrastination? I once did. As a task-oriented person, reminding him—nagging him—would wear me out. I prayed and prayed and encouraged, and yes, nagged some more. All I could think about was how poorly they would do in college if they didn’t get their act together now! The Holy Spirit used Psalm 30:5 to encourage me. He also reminded me that my child’s time management skills would develop one day. To wait with joy, I had to change my focus. One idea to alleviate my weariness was to celebrate any small victory, like when he accomplished a goal that he’d set for himself.

Have you ever glossed over a moment when your child finally “gets it?” Did your attitude express: “They are finally doing what they are supposed to!” Can you hear the tone in those words? I’ve been guilty of this as well. It’s as if our kids are doing us a favor to comply, that it took too long, and it deserves no recognition because it’s expected behavior. Instead of my self-righteous and ungrateful mindset, I need to stop and take in the moment. “Honey, what a great decision to begin to do your homework right now! Good job!”

We can give our child a high-five or a fist-bump. Let’s celebrate our children’s victories, big and small, by making a mental note that seeds do germinate in time. Etch those moments in our memory banks so that just in case the same wise decision isn’t made the next day, we can know that our training is slowly working. We have to stay encouraged and let joy be a weapon that cuts off discouragement.

The details of managing a household are like the giants that the Israelites faced when they saw the promised land. They are constant, and they are overwhelming! Our tension builds. Because of our responsibilities and the messiness of family life, we begin to react instead of respond. Diapers, lunches, whines, spills, missing homework, medical appointments, work, meetings, oil changes, sibling rivalry, unexpected data charges, mood swings, marital spats, pimples, laundry, college applications, uniforms—whew! Life overwhelms us and makes us feel like grasshoppers (Numbers 13:33).

Let’s expect that giants will always exist. Every age and stage of our child’s life will bring issues that overwhelm us. We can grumble and complain, or we can realize that no matter how much we pray heaven into our homes, perfection is not for our earthly life. When we expect that our kids are sometimes going to throw tantrums and give us a lousy attitude, joy can offset the tension that builds in us. Today on the way to church, my 8-year-old asked me why I hadn’t told him about an event that he wouldn’t be able to attend. I responded, “Because I didn’t want to hear you complain and ask me 200 questions about why you couldn’t go.” He paused and said, “You’re smart.” I smiled, looked in the rearview mirror and said, “I know.” He smiled back. It’s nice for both parent and child to be able to find these potentially aggravating moments joyously amusing.

To enter my book giveaway, fill out the contact form below. If you have a preference (paperback, Kindle, or Nook) please indicate it in the message box.

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I want to hear from you!
You can also hear about my upcoming book giveaways or submit a question for the Q&A 4 Parents page.


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Hollow Optimism with Pessimistic Expectation (HOPE)

HOPE. It’s a waste. Fickle. Flimsy. At least that’s what I used to think. Hope wasn’t the rugged, mighty, power-releasing faith that I read about in the Gospels and the book of Acts. As I read through the gospels, Jesus never said much about hope. Faith yes, hope, no. For much of my life, (until last week to be honest), hope was synonymous with wishing.

“I hope my teen gets up on time”. I wish Peter would take school seriously.
“I hope my husband comes home in a good mood!” I wish his boss wasn’t so critical.

Often I used this four-letter word, hope, to mask my sincere frustration and pessimism. My version of hope, aka wishing, was full of sincerity, but it was baseless at its core. Unsubstantiated. Hollow optimism. I mean, how many candles did I blow out as a child and none of my wishes came true? “Hope” left me feeling sad inside after I blew out each candle.

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Jen Miskov, whom I consider one of my writing mentors, brought the topic of hope to a group of workshop alumni last week during our online meet-up. She encouraged us to activate our skills by writing about hope. Hope? C’mon, Jen! Let’s do something meaty like the promises of God, or speaking to our mountains, living on fire for God or some other cool Biblical concept laden with Christianese! But no. She said one word: hope. “Write about hope”. Why?

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“Many people need it right now”.

As a mom, I “hope” for a lot of things. The audio on the laptop to work during my kids’ Zoom classes. My newly sprouted veggies not to freeze to death at night, or more importantly, a good night’s sleep. But these are desires that don’t propel me to cry out to God in frantic desperation…well, the desire for solid sleep does, but if the audio acts up or a squash sprig gets freezer burn (one did!) then I troubleshoot or plant a new seed. As I studied about hope, I realized that I had the wrong word in my head. I used the word “hope” when I should have used the word want. I want the audio to work, but if it doesn’t it isn’t the end of the world. Wants are sincere, but often shallow. Hope is quite substantial.

The God of hope. Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Wow, ok. Hope has to be important if it’s a descriptor for our Most High God. And we, as believers are supposed to abound in hope?! Abound = overflow, flourish, be alive with. God is serious about this. He sends His Spirit to endow us or infuse us with hope.

What is hope? Time to go to BlueLetterBible.org. Interesting. Hope isn’t like wishing at all. It seems as meaty as faith. The words confidence and assurance catch my eye. The idea of patient expecting is noteworthy. While wishing implies that we don’t know whether or not something we want will happen, hoping means that we know something WILL happen, although we may not know when. When we say, “I have hope”, we are saying, “I believe”!
Being hopeful is impressive. While I can’t say that I have hope that my kids will have a 24 hour period with delightful behavior, I can say that I have hope that God will guide me how to parent them well through their childishness. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is with me. That His Spirit gives me hints when a bad mood is occurring because they miss their friends. I expect God to parent me as I raise the children He has asked me to disciple. (I like disciple better than train. The latter word is too mechanical for me. Just a personal thing

The Easter that Never Ends: A hero and his bride.

Once upon a time,
we listened to fairy tales about princesses and children who needed rescuing. We breathed sighs of relief when the handsome prince, the hero, or the timely resourcefulness of the captives, provided a way of escape. Courage and confidence defeated dragons and cancelled magic curses. The ending of the most memorable tales featured a wedding. The hero marries the princess and they lived happily ever after in his kingdom.
The End

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Many of you see the Christ story weaved throughout these tales. The difference is that for us, as participants, the end becomes our beginning. “It is finished” not only implies a fulfilled master plan but also presents an assignment for those who decide to walk out of captivity through the now open Door. So, my question for you is the question I ask myself: will the impact of Holy Week 2020 end for me last night, when the sun set on Christianity’s most important holiday?

This past Holy Week was the most meaningful for many of us because of the global crises we have faced. I’ve read reports of many unbelievers asking questions about the Bible than ever before. Certainly, the globe is now speckled with house churches linked through the Holy Spirit and the internet. I believe we are more bonded that we have ever been. More dedicated to Jesus than we have ever been. But I woke up this morning and asked myself, Will this “high” of connectedness, dedication and spiritual pursuit end when the lockdown is over? In other words, will we live like Resurrection Day/Easter is just a holiday?

To answer this question, I have to dissect Christ’s last words because at first hearing it sounds like “The End”, but with a more horrific and less satisfying ending that our favorite fairy tales. We don’t know if Jesus murmured this phrase from weakness or shouted with the last ounce of strength. But it doesn’t matter. The hero dies. The skies grow black.
The end?

The mandate to heal the sick, raise the dead and cast out demons was abandoned when all seemed lost. The witnesses to the crucifixion grieved and hid in fear. It would be sometime before they would realize the full implication of what was finished. But you and I are reading the story thousands of years later. We know that He fulfilled what he came to do:
defeat a dragon, cancel curses, free captives, and obtain a bride.

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We are the rescued children! We are the bride of Christ! The dragon and his magic were defeated through courage and a
clever plan. Jesus is the Hero of all time!

History is not a fairy tale. It is a true story. Jesus finished the amazing plan to reverse the curse of Genesis 3. So, there is no “The End” written on a last page in the book called “Timelessness”, but a holy declaration. An assignment completed. The cry of a Son, “Dad, I’m done!

and

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“I’m coming back with a Bride that will rule with Me!”

Huh? a Bride? to rule what?
There’s a Part Two in this story.

Part One presented the problem and the solution. Sin and blood of a sinless human being. Jesus’ assignment is what was finished. The hard work of defeating the dragon. Cancelling curses. Freeing captives from the bondage of sin and death.

Part Two is the story of the Bride on earth. We have another nickname: the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:27). Our children are called arrows of the Lord (Psalm 127:4). The redeemed bride of Christ is not wimpy, weak, and defensive. At least we are not supposed to be! We have been given an assignment which includes global proselytizing, providing discipleship and mentoring (includes parenting natural AND spiritual children), and displaying supernatural demonstrations of loving power.

John 14:12 Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do”.

We, the bride of Christ, are to live from an interesting posture of partnership. Jesus the Christ gave us authority and power, (Luke 10:19) yet in order to use it, we must abide in Him and depend on Him (John 15:4-5).

Below are phrases from the Book of Ephesians. I chose this epistle because it is LOADED with an overall character sketch of the bride of Christ. Not only that, the epistle helps me answer my introductory question: I will not allow the impact of the Holy Week to set with the ending of a holiday. Like Jesus, I have an assignment. I encourage you to scour Ephesians. Study the entire New Testament for that matter! Perhaps start with Acts, chapter 1, and jot down phrases the describe what those who witnessed the crucifixion did once they realized that the story wasn’t over.

Contemplate the how and why of phrases like: “to the intent that now the manifold wisdom of God might be made known by the church to the principalities and powers in the heavenly places“

“to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man”

“that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

“and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace”

“walk worthy of the calling with which you were called”

“He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ,… that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men”.

Wow, excited assignment! Who said that being a follower in Christ was boring?

One more thing:

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Cute kid, huh?

“Opportunity Knocks. Let’s Get Our Houses in Order” A Note to Families about Connecting.

“You have my eyes and mannerisms. “
“We share the same bathroom.”
“I named you.”
“We have the same mom and dad.”
“Our last name is the same.”

But I don’t know you.

Our houses are surrounded by invisible fences right now. Trapped “for the foreseeable future”, we are experiencing an array of legitimate emotions, some of which must be similar to what a trapped animal feels. The timing of our release from captivity is out of our control and we. don’t. like. it. If that’s not enough, our new norm has revealed that many of us are surrounded by strangers–parents, siblings, and children that our busy or independent lives never allowed us to get to know. Or we welcomed busyness because we feared “being known”. Unmasked. Vulnerable. So we’ve subconsciously built and maintained a family structure whose foundation, I”ll call Disconnection, which seemed safe. But it’s not sustainable. The phrase from the old Christian hymn “Solid Rock” came to my mind yesterday. “All other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.” Since we have to be around each other 24/7, many of us have a sinking feeling that we are going to have to make a change. Replace our old foundation with something solid. Those that have ears to hear will open their doors to the Divine knock. “Let Me help you build a family that can’t be shaken.”

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I believe that disconnection has occurred primarily in two ways: with God and each other through emotional distance.

For many reasons, our connection with God has some kinks or static. Some of us don’t feel safe with God. Maybe we have a childhood trauma that He didn’t rescue us from or His Old Testament sternness turns us off. Maybe, we don’t really put value on Him like the other things that took up our time. He hasn’t been relevant enough in our world. Or, if we are regular church attenders, who pray and read Scripture every day, perhaps He is being a good Vinedresser who knows what we need to produce more fruit. We don’t see the kink in our faith, but He does. A vinedresser protects the vines from insects, lifts the weaker branches as they grow stronger, and fertilizes the soil. For this latter group, this is a level of refining, that hurts so good. The truth is, right now all of us are experiencing some discomfort that is making us see the status of our connections with the one true God.

Why is this vital right now?

‘Cause it is going to take a supernatural entity bigger than any one of us, to get us through this! For me, no other “god” (elohim) is bigger than the Most High God (El Elyon) who created me, you, and the whole creation. Has He done things that none of us understand? Does using the pronoun “He” even rub some of you the wrong way? Most definitely! It would be unwise for me to attempt to delve into these details in this article, but I will say, that I believe that our innermost beings are awakening and crying out to our Creator. This cage and fear, panic and wise distancing is the catalyst to hunger connection with the one true God. As we’ve been forced to disconnect with false gods: sports, idols, entertainment, vocational and educational pursuits, we are left with a silence from which God’s still, small voice can finally be heard.

Relational disconnection – This has been a problem in family life for a long time. Since Cain and Abel, in fact. Obviously Cain didn’t feel connected to Adam enough to confide in him what he thought was unfair about the needed sacrifice. For many of us, parents, teens, and kids, social distancing and mandated lockdowns have magnified that the structure of emotional distance doesn’t actually protect us-it kills us. From the inside out. Frenetic lifestyles made the home a revolving door where one family member enters when another is leaving. Long standing personality conflicts between dad and mom, parent and child, produced in-house avoidance culture. Then of course is technology, which has been an acceptable alternative to face-to-face interaction. Many of us have seen a family at a restaurant, each member looking at their phones, instead of in each other’s eyes. For the average American family, it’s been easy to grow apart. God wants to fix this.

I thought about naming this article “Alone in a World of People”. I come from a big family. But as a teen, I lived in my bedroom, feeding on fiction and daydreams. The swirl of feeling both misunderstood and responsible for my parents’ issues made me a recluse. I was emotionally detached, mentally deceived, and spiritually dead. I know this is why in the last several years, I’ve worked hard to cultivate the spiritual and emotional lives of my own kids. As a family of eight, we’ve experienced a lot of trial and error–their trials due to my errors! However, as God has matured each of us, we’ve learned how to honor autonomy, while building emotional connection. We have not perfected this skill, but we are working on it.

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As Christian families, we have an opportunity to reflect and re-prioritize what we consider valuable. Like relationships. Time. Some haven’t spent this much time with each other since last summer’s vacation. I know of many teens and college students that are more familiar with their friends than they are with their parents. Not to say that friends are not valuable! But God has a desire that both friends and family members would be cherished gifts from above. The Lord desires vibrant, flourishing and nurturing family systems. Ironically, this pandemic has given us the choice to either 1) maintain relational brokenness or 2) seek for God to heal what has been broken.

Malachi 4:6 says, “He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse”. I’m praying that while we are cooped up within our property lines, our hearts towards our parents, our siblings, and our children would be forgiving, gracious, and knitted more than ever before.

How does a family knit themselves when they’ve lived in a whirlwind of different directions for so long?

This is the tough part. An emotionally and spiritually mature family comes about when each person pauses to look in the mirror. If we are courageous and remove our self-imposed or socially-acceptable masks, we may see self-hatred or shame. We may see pride or fear. If we open our hearts to God as we look at our reflection, we will begin to see ourselves as God sees us. Broken yet desired by Him. Fallible yet faultless due to the blood of His only begotten Son. This takes time. It’s a process of letting God dig up rocks that have hindered the soil of our souls from being nourished by Him. Rocks can be sins, generational predispositions, or any heartache or hurt. Then, as we lift our eyes from the mirrors and fasten them to the Cross and Jesus Christ’s subsequent resurrection, we receive vision and faith. Vision for who we are becoming in Him. Faith that He who began a good work in us will complete it until the day of Christ (Philippians 1:6).

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So having a 1-on-1 with God is the first step. Acknowledging our sins to God brings courage and humility to confess our sins and admit our weaknesses to one another. Understanding that life is a journey of becoming whole, lets us know that each of us in a family needs the grace to grow. We have to be a forgiving and gracious people and it takes leaning on God every moment to do that! For families where the disrepair is blatant, He provides security in the midst of instability for the parent who is seeking repair when no one else is.

As parents, we have to model “sonship”. Do our kids hear us talk about our relationship with God…the ebbs and flows of our faith journey, our favorite bible studies or Christian books, or the encouragement that we get from His still, small voice in our prayer closets? Getting our houses in order means putting our relationship with God first. Not compartmentalizing our faith life to Sunday mornings. But living every moment like He’s walking beside us, ready to guide, ready to listen, and ready to speak.

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1 Timothy 3:5 (NASB) says, “but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?” While this verse highlights church leadership, the principle is that any of us, man or woman, who have positions of authority outside of the home, needs to make sure that we proistemi (Greek for preside, care for, give attention to) our families the way God desires. If we understand the teachings of Jesus, the head of the Church, we know that godly authority figures focus on serving and encouraging those around them. Single-parents, married couples, foster parents, and guardians have an opportunity to think about whether their hearts, words, and behavior have reflected Jesus’ selfless, other-focused love.

So this opportunity to get our houses…our families in order is two-fold. Cultivating our “parent-child” relationship with God is most important. The second part is to embrace the time we have right now to change how we’ve been living with each other. We can read together, play together, talk to each other, listen to each other, and most of all pray together. By allowing God to lead us from surface-level conversations into deep, honest conversations about our inner worlds, we can know each other and be known by one another. We were created to long for this…with God and others. The home is the place where God wants healthy emotional connections to begin.

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Tina was ordained and licensed for Ministry in the state of Virginia is 2004. Her book, Cultivating the Souls of Parents is available online at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. She is a certified Apprentice Facilitator in Classic Trauma Healing through the American Bible Society.

Peace? What to Do When the Source of Our Security is Destroyed.

Some of you are feeling on edge these days. You may have been told work from home for a few weeks or plan for the possibility that your kids will be out of school for a long period of time. I get it. We’re in the same boat. Our governor has just said that schools will not re-open before next Fall. Sudden changes are causing a degree of stress for us all. If not dealt with, this stress will manifest in our physical bodies. To maintain a peace-filled disposition, we must inspect our souls–the immaterial part of us that comprises our mind (thoughts), our will (choosing/surrender part), and our emotions. What we think about our circumstances must be reviewed through the lens of God’s Word.

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I dedicated an entire chapter on the topics of security, change and peace in Cultivating the Souls of Parents. Here are a few excerpts.

Sometimes what displaces peace is the fear that our situation is hopeless. We can’t see the other side of a challenge, and we let our thoughts drift away from what His word says about our future. For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11), Holding onto these truths will help us stay in a place of incomprehensible peace.

He is the anchor of our soul (Hebrews 6:19); therefore, we won’t fall apart, even when we feel emotionally drained.

He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5); therefore, we know He is there to help us fight our battles.

He turns our mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). Every season is temporary. He gives us endurance when life is tough.

Heaven contains the throne of peace. Desiring and praying for “on earth as it is in heaven” teases our longing because we know that indeed earth will never be heaven, and heaven is the ideal that we desire. Despite that, the peace of Jesus Christ (James 14:27), secures us to a foundation when everything else around us is unsteady. It comes when we fix our eyes on our God who cannot change. (p. 136)

Seasons of Change

Circumstances change all the time. Jobs, finances, people—all of us experience unwelcome change. But we want security. In fact, we need security. However, if we make these things the source—the provider of our peace—then we are going to be in turmoil if something ever happens to them. [image error]

When our world one day is vastly different from the day before, we experience various levels of stress.




“How Comfortable am I Supposed to be on this Side of Heaven?”

Change is troublesome and meddles with our sense of security and comfort. When our world one day is vastly different from the day before, we experience various levels of stress. Those of you who remember 9-11 know what I mean. Our minds reel when life as we knew it, can never be recovered. Once, I asked myself, “How comfortable am I supposed to be on this side of heaven?” The challenge of our earthly life is to wait for what we know will come but cannot be at present: consistency, constant safety, and social unity. Times of laughter, rest, and fulfillment do give us a glimpse of eternity with God, but our daily reality involves difficulty and change, and stress stifles our peace. (p. 136)

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Jesus lived in a jaw-dropping state of peace despite being hated and rejected by many and despite living under oppressive Roman rule. He was not moved by circumstances; rather, He moved circumstances. He slept during a storm when veteran fishermen were freaking out. To stay peaceful, Jesus did not look at His circumstances. Neither should we. Furthermore, Jesus often got away. He went to the top of the mountains to have quiet time and pray. Each of us needs to find that spot and time of day that we can get recharged through spending time with God. I am certain that Jesus’ version of peace had to do with His relationship with the Father. Through Him, the Prince of Peace, we now have a relationship with the Father. And He does not change! The one constant we have, as believers, is our unchanging God. Friendships change and kids grow up. The world changes. But our peace on earth is linked to our relationship to the Father, the One who desired our existence and sent Jesus to restore us to Him. (p. 142)

Take a few moments every day and find a quiet place–even if it’s in your car, close your eyes and express your thoughts and emotions to the Lord. Be real with Him. Take off the religious “I’m fine”mask that we often hide behind when we pray. He’s not offended by our raw honesty. In any storm, when our sense of security and normalcy feels threatened, our anchors can go deeper as we spend time with the Prince of Peace.

#cultivatingthesoulsofparentsbook is also available online at Barnes and Noble.

COVID-19 – Let’s Process the Trauma of the “Suddenly”.

The craft of writing involves putting words to an emotion. Masterfully presenting an argument. Defining how we feel so that someone else gets it! A writer wants to pull everyone in, express a thought, and ask, “Do you understand me?” Writing in a diary is one thing. Putting ourselves out there involves a level of vulnerability that makes us shudder inside. After all, it’s risky to bear your soul. But I must. For my sake and some of yours.

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On Monday, March 9, when the battle between fear and wise preparedness ramped up, I swore that I was NOT going to write a piece that had anything to do with COVID-19. Everyone else is. I’m tired of seeing those 5 letters and 2 numbers everywhere. However, this morning I woke up with lump in my heart and people on my mind. The headache that woke me up periodically throughout the night was still present. I knew that I was full of stress that needed to be processed. Why? Because I, like you, have experienced too many unexpected changes in the last week. We have not been able to catch our breath. For real though. Can somebody press pause for a few days?

What are my stressors? Well, besides being stunned that various grocery stores were out of what I wanted, like bananas; besides daily cancellations and expectation adjustments (my boys were looking forward to AAU practice on Sunday), the lives of people in my community weigh on my soul. Maybe it’s my maternal disposition or the lay minister in me, but I’m sad for all of you.

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Tears lurk behind my eyes as I think about you–the out-of-work mother. You were unable to join the party that cleaned out your local grocery store because you had just paid your rent. Your husband is also an hourly wage earner who works at the local college dining hall. Since classes will be online-only, he is waiting to hear about any temporary compensation from the college. I’m praying for you and I’m crying with you.

Then there’s you–the teacher who is having to adjust an interactive teaching method to a distant learning lesson that any parent can facilitate. You won’t see your students “for the foreseeable future”. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your students will miss you too.

To all the medical people reading this. I get it. My sister is not only a doctor, but the COO of a health system. The 13-hour days and fear atmosphere is depleting her energy. My mom wants to make sure she’s eating. Then, one of my closest friends is a Director of a Hospice organization. After days of adjustments, she’s figured out how to have her staff work remotely. But social distancing means she’ll only have her dog to eat dinner with for a couple of weeks.

This is my favorite season of the year, but I can do is stare at the Spring buds and let tears fall.

It’s not an issue of my faith in God. Stay tuned for another article I have in my heart about how this surreal season is an opportunity to “get our houses in order”. Therefore, my tears and the sorrow in my soul is not about an abundance of fear and a lack of faith. My tears are an expression of empathy: weeping with those who weep. This is the stress that I’ve needed to process. The trauma of the suddenly. The implications and consequences of financial lack and panic. Our current reality is overwhelming and I, and you, need to unload our stress.

Trauma is a situation that overwhelms the senses. Of course there are degrees and levels of trauma, like there are degrees of a burn. The well-stocked professional who will work remotely may not “feel” the quarantine effects as much as the out-of-work mother and father that I talked about. On a tangible level the differences are vast. However, on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level, each needs to process the “suddenlies” that none of us signed up for.

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I let my tears fall. If in some way, I am carrying the tears of others to Jesus because they don’t know how to properly grieve change and loss, then I will stay in this moment, compose a lament, and acknowledge their pain. Intercession, a type of prayer on behalf of others, sometimes expresses an inner longing without using words. In this case, my tears are that expression.

I wish I could gather all of my peer-parents from our private school who felt like deer in headlights when the news of possible distance-learning came to their inboxes. I have the benefit of having home schooled my three oldest children from K-12. My temporary school room is ready to go. But many of my peers have not had a child at home every day, every hour, without even a play date on the horizon or a swimming lesson scheduled since…their child was a baby. I want to ask them, “What emotions have you felt in the last few days?” “What thoughts keep resurrecting themselves throughout the day?”(No filtering allowed!) I want to scoop up these precious souls who I won’t see “for the foreseeable future” and give them a big older mom hug. I know they will eventually adjust to a new norm and learn how to lean more on God. Like parents around our nation, they will deal with the struggle of cabin-fever and search the internet for non-tech activities on rainy days. Some will have to figure out how to schedule a zoom call when their kids–being kids–are bound to finish their worksheet in five minutes.

At least it’s Spring. Days are longer and the outdoors will become more vibrant living spaces. This will help our sense of well-being. Even if going outside requires you to stay 6-10 feet away from your neighbors because you live in an apartment building or attached housing, please take a touch-free walk every day. Ask your neighbors through closed doors how they are doing. There is a way to honor social distancing and be neighborly at the same time.

I want to say thank you–for reading this far as I have allowed myself to wander from one issue to another to give you an example of what processing can look like. Processing- deliberately facing mental and emotional stress involves being self-aware. Giving ourselves permission to acknowledge any emotion, in a safe place. Refraining from unhealthy coping mechanisms to ease the trauma of sudden change. For me, processing also requires my mind and heart to acknowledge the Holy Spirit, who helps me through every storm (John 14:26). He is the one unchanging factor in my life.

Right now, we have more time for quiet moments while the kids play outside, color or read for a period of time. I want each of you to process the effects of this pandemic well. I will be praying for you.

My next article “Opportunity Knocks. Get your House in Order” will help us embrace these weeks at home with our kids or, if you are single, how take advantage of being alone in a world full of people.

For information about my upcoming release, Cultivating the Souls of Parents, click here. Available March 17.

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Let’s Stir Some Controversy

It’s controversial you know. When you criticize or denounce acceptable behaviors or common mindsets. Whether your circle is your race, your family, or your denomination, calling people out is an understood no-no.

And this is why abuse continues. I’m specifically focusing on the theme of a FB post that I liked so much that I shared in my news feed yesterday. The article, “If You Want to Protect Your Daughters, Raise Better Sons”, caught my attention as a mother of four sons and two daughters. Please read it. For some the theme of double-standards will resonate. Others of you will be intrigued as you get a peek into the lives of people whose background may be different than your experience. Don’t let the picture of a black male and black woman deter you. The problem goes beyond race. It’s an issue of gender and family culture.

This particular paragraph made me angry–actually a few did, but you’ll get my point:

Eventually, I would grow old enough to identify the double standard in how my parents were parenting us. My mother’s justification remained that the boys could physically take care of themselves and that made parenting them generally easier, less hands on. Girls, on the other hand, well, raising them came with a lot of concerns, challenges even. Girls could end up pregnant, end up whores, end up abused, end up kidnapped, etc.

February 3, 2020  |  By Arah Iloabugichukwu

The speaker goes on to explain a cultural and generational epidemic that left her blamed and beaten when she got pregnant at age twelve after being assaulted. The injustice she experienced at the hands of her mother makes my blood boil.

As a lay minister who has helped people process emotional wounds and tear down unhealthy mindsets, I know what it has taken for this woman to speak out. Courage. Encouragement. What angers me–grieves me are the factors that keep such an ungodly mindset ingrained in family systems. This culture of double-standards must be changed.

Men have to stop make excuses for their behavior. This means that yes, as a society, we have to put aside the views of experts who endorse a lack of restraint for our human appetites. Virtues like kindness, respect, and self-control must trump hormones and ego. Our souls–mind, will, and emotions, must be seen has broken parts of us that need renewing, submitting, and healing in order for moral virtues to be attained. A boy who is raised to ignore his tender emotions, promote his self-focused will, and believe that part of being male is looking at and touching what does not belong to him will perpetuate this epidemic, and in my eyes, be less than human–at least human according to what I believe is God’s intent. Similarly, a girl who is raised not only like this unfortunate woman, but also with a belief that being unashamed about your body means letting it all hang out, is degraded to being seen as primarily a physical and tangible (touchable) being. However, it’s her spirit that is her truest self. Not to say that the physical body is evil–I write about this in my upcoming book, Culture Changers, but the truth is, our physical bodies are so significant that they are to be respected yet not catered to. We have to teach our sons–and daughters this.

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I mentioned God’s intent for humanity. These days this idea needs explaining. In short, over time the verse “created in the image of God”, has been subverted by the idea that human beings are evolving, self-sustaining creatures who have the right to adopt whatever image they will. Yes, part of this is true. We have free will. There are many images out there that we can adopt. However, the significance of what male (Heb. zakar) and female (Heb. neqebah) were intended to be has been nullified since…well since the Garden of Eden. Are you surprised that I go back this far? Like you, I can cite more recent contributors–male chauvinism, American slavery, and Darwin’s theory, all of which influenced our misunderstanding about what being a man or being a woman should be. God’s intent is key. We must retrieve what was lost when the fruit was eaten.

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God’s intent for us (zakar and neqebah), is to represent His beneficence and stewardship towards His design and intent. In other words, both men and women are to regard themselves and each other with goodness and care. A man who treats himself with what he deems as good yet in doing so, is not caring for or respecting the soul health of a woman, is actually not doing good in the eyes of our Creator. The same is true if the subject is a woman. As a mother, I need to care for and respect the soul health of my sons, which means no double standards in our house.

Many people have written about this epidemic. It’s the foundation of gang rape, #metoo, and the 2020 Super Bowl half-time show (I did not watch, just read about). I hope that this conversation moves from social media posts to dinner tables and family room sofas.

I don’t blame the perpetuators per se. Society is dealing with generations of dads, moms, grandmothers, brothers, and peers who have probably never been presented with how wrong–how demonic, their “boys will be boys” thinking is. In the article, the speaker’s brothers may have gotten kudos from their friends and enjoyed moments of ecstasy, but I will tell you, their souls became more and more in bondage.

Let’s protect our daughters AND our sons by modeling virtue in our speech, our manner, our decisions, and our actions. Not only can family systems be freed from destructive mindsets, but our society–over time, can become full of “kind-hearted, compassionate, committed young men, the kind of men our communities need”.

Parents are Like the Little Engine That Could

Life’s episodic deserts, jungles, and mountain peaks provide us with moments of defeat and victory. Our Adolescent Story may have chapters of disappointment. Our Young Adult Story may be like a meandering river. Becoming a person of faith is undoubtedly the epiphany of Our Life Story. We hope and pray that this gut-wrenching, nail-biting drama called Life ends well for all involved.

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In terms of parenting, no matter how many books we read, friends we meet for coffee, or how much babysitting we did as teens, we are never adequately advised and prepared for the drama that unfolds once that first child comes into our home. The blessed Parent Story! What a surprise when we feel the love overflow as we gaze, cuddle a helpless newborn, or feel the hand clutch from a newly adopted child! Children are wonderful. We can give them wonder-filled lives. Sure, our best efforts are sometimes ineffectual. However, we keep trying. Our hearts incessantly burn with an inexplicable love for our children.  Yet, sometimes in our responses and reactions, we don’t love well. Our own humanity will look uglier than we ever knew it could be.

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Allowing ourselves to be changed by this journey is worth it.  Like the scripture says, our latter will be better than our past.  (Revelation 21: 4)

Time to Plant a Fruit Tree

Let’s embrace the rigors of personal transformation and be grateful that our little mirrors make us self-aware. If we refrain from guilt and self-condemnation, we can allow our child-rearing episodes to serve as opportunities to be molded by the hand of our loving Creator.

(Excerpt from Cultivating the Souls of Parents. Release Date coming soon.)

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I’m excited to release the first book in my Cultivating Series soon. Woohoo! It’s been a loonngg process. God wanted this book to simmer for a few years. He does that in many areas of our lives doesn’t He? The blessing is that those who eat benefit from a perfectly finished product! I look forward to sharing more excerpts in the weeks to come.

Being Impressionable

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As I was praying this morning, I found that one of the words that the Holy Spirit guided me to pray was the word: impressionable. My prayer was for my family, all eight of us, and I prayed something like, “Lord, help us stay impressionable.” What struck me is the fact that usually I pray for us NOT to be impressionable. Scripture encourages us to choose friends wisely (Proverbs 12:26) and to be not “of” this world (John 17:16, Romans 12:2) which for me means to resonate with God’s ways, not the ways of broken humanity.

So after I prayed that phrase I put down the clothes that I was folding and thought about what the word meant to God.

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I got it.

To make an impression is like taking a cookie mold and pressing the imprint upon the dough. The Holy Spirit wants make an impression upon us. What is that impression?

Once upon a time, God decided to create humankind in his image and likeness. So all of us, male and female, were supposed to be image-bearers. Regardless of skin color, hair wave, or height, something about our beneficent Creator was to resonate in us and be released through us. In addition, we were created with what I call a triune composition – spirit, soul, and physical body.

Many of us know what happened. The couple, the fruit, and the wrong decision. Our image-bearing ability was affected. God’s fix-it was the incarnate Christ, blood, and a right decision, by us, to come back into alignment to the Creator’s design and intents. The decision involves coming to Him with our huge bag of past, present, and future sins. On the bag is a price tag so unfathomable, our minds cannot perceive it. We stand before the courtly seat of judgment and watch Him dip His finger in the blood of His Son, then write PAID IN FULL on the price tag. A merciful and just Judge, God forgives our debt because Jesus paid it.

But if you are like me -after being born again, saved, redeemed, or whatever your denomination prefers to call it – you still struggle with being Christ-like.

The journey of the redeemed reveals the metaphor of the Potter and the clay (Isaiah 64:8.) Holy Spirit encourages us to remain in a posture of surrender, of yieldedness to His constant imprinting, His constant molding. We are still image-bearers, but what He is doing is turning us from being people that bear images of a broken world, idols and false gods, to being people that do what He intended and designed us to do: bear His image.

“Lord, help me stay impressionable!”

A Prayer – Creator of all things, I worship you. You are the Most High God, the anchor of my soul, and the Giver of life. Thank you for sending your only begotten Son, Jesus the Christ, to redeem humanity from a bad decision in the garden. The Bible says that he who is forgiven much loves much (Luke 7:47.) I have indeed been forgiven much. I love you because You first loved me (1 John 4:19.) Help me want to stay in a place of surrender to your Spirit. Fashion me and mold me daily so that my renewed image-bearing ability would show forth every moment. I am your workmanship (Ephesians 2:10.) No matter how much things around me lure me, help me and my family stay impressionable to You.

Violation of the creation

When Dolly the sheep was successfully cloned, if you were like me, you hardly paid attention. This news report sat on my mental shelf with others-UFOs, listening devices in my thermostat-items too far-fetched to hold my attention.  I didn’t think about science and ethics until as a mom, I began to care about my family’s nutrition enough to research the difference between heirloom and hybrid tomatoes and look up the definition of a genetically modified organism.  While I appreciated my kids not spitting watermelon seeds all over the place (watermelon  juice plus kid-spit forms a sticky sheen on any surface – moms, you know!), I did think that seedless watermelon was an oxymoron. In my quest for truth and pure food, I actually began to read the list of ingredients on boxes and cans. Not that I understood what hydrolized meant.

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Good and bad ideas both come from the same fountain of speculation and experiment. Shaun Tan

https://www.brainyquote.com/

Stirred by the excitement of discovery and tempted by human ambition, we develop technologies and ideas that ignite debates at both dinner tables and university ethics forums. What about a lab-grown alternative to a hamburger? After all, the UN says that factory raised beef is dangerous to the environment. But is the problem the process or the animal? (I hesitate to think that God didn’t know what He was doing when He created the cow). And then there’s AI. Do you want to spice up your spices? Is your oregano not flavorful enough? Perhaps producing a mule failed to teach us that not every idea is a good idea. Maybe we are just hard-headed. Or perhaps there are really secret groups striving to build a type of Tower of Babel through technological and scientific advances.

Genesis One gives God’s intent for the natural processes of life and DNA. The DNA of one kind of seed should not be merged with the DNA of another kind. What is a kind? Simply put, it is natural reproduction, free from the manipulation of outside forces. A dog can breed with a wolf and produce a viable animal. Therefore a dog and a wolf are of the same “kind”. However, a dog and an elephant do not breed naturally. Merging their seed would take human action in a laboratory. Whether it’s an animal, a plant, the theory of transhumanism, or the reality of GMO’s, we are not to mess with God’s created order and His intent for each kind.

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Recently, I discovered that a human being had been cloned. 1998. It was killed in the embryonic stage. What the heck!? I’m not okay with us playing God. Technological and scientific advancement is wonderful….to a limit. I get how beneficial it is for doctors to be able to take a sperm and an egg, get it to fertilize outside of the human body, and then implant it inside a woman. Many couples would remain childless if it weren’t for this breakthrough. My only question for the scientists and the doctors would be: You’re not taking from or adding to the DNA of cells in the dish are you? I mean, apparently designer children are a thing. Customer: I want a blue-eyed son with an IQ of 150. And oh, I want him germ-resistant. Doctor: Ok…we’ll notify you in a few months with a product that matches your specifications.

Forgive what may seem dramatic, distasteful or cynical. But c’mon fellow humans! Ordering up children? Seedless watermelons and cotton candy grapes are one thing. Physical appearance and intellectual specifications seems a bit…well, picky.

Genetic engineering may be profitable and timely for both herbicide companies and sufferers of genetic diseases. I agree that prenatal gene therapy is a heavenly cure for life-threatening defects. But when do we go too far when it comes to DNA or gene manipulation? When is it right to say it’s wrong to alter natural human development? Just because we can, does not mean we should. (We say this to our kids don’t we?) In many ways, we’ve decided to play God versus kneel like Dr. George Washington Carver, who sought the face of God in prayer in order to find the answers to problems. I wonder about the extent that sinful man will go, where the laws of creation are violated. Where messing with one’s Punnett square becomes as popular as choosing a new car. I’m concerned about us relying too much on our own reasoning and shifting sense of morality. We are just human. The created.

Today we try to redefine what has been understood as the biblical laws of creation, specifically biogenesis. Human biology doesn’t matter anymore. Emotions and thoughts reign. People of various ages are given drugs to curb the natural course of their biological development. Some men want to be able to bear children. In these ways, we are destroying our humanity. Will we one day redefine what it means to be human? Seek out Marvel-like technology to empower us to be and to do what we lust and covet? Be Invincible. Mighty. Ageless.

Can we embrace limits? Being human means we have boundaries. We are not self-existent. But our arrogance moves us to defy our human weakness. We strive for perfection. To be unanchored. Free to do, think, say, and become whatever we desire.

How far and wide will our modern Tower of Babel reach? Accepting our humanity does not mean living in futility and fatalism. It does not mean refraining from study and research. It does mean acknowledging a Creator whose design and intent serve a purpose beyond our limited reasoning. It means being comfortable with being the created, male and female, made from immaterial and earthly components as spirit, soul and physical body. Let us pause before we stretch ethical boundaries and alter our moral compass any further.

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