Sue Baiman's Blog, page 7

Happiness

Happiness is words

And yarn

And curling up on the couch

With the cat

It’s reading and writing

It’s editing

And conversations

With good friends

About more words

More yarn

And more cats

Mindreader

I hear him

Slowly tip-toeing

Into the room

I think he thinks

I must be asleep

Please come here to me

Can he hear my thoughts?

Mmmm…I can smell him

Creeping nearer

I wonder

If he sees my smile

Stretching wider

With each creak of the floorboards

In the quickly fading light?

Kiss me baby

I know he can read my mind

Warm soft lips

Are the only answer

I’ll ever need

But he whispers, “Yes” anyway

Before he kisses my tired away

 

Exceeding Expectations

Working every day

Every damn day

At something you love

So that on most days

It doesn’t feel like a job

But that doesn’t mean

That you aren’t working your ass off

Honing your craft

Pushing yourself

To learn new skills

Reveling in the joy

Of creating something

So that at the end of each day

Something new exists

Brought forth into existence

By you alone

Birthed from your imagination

Does this make you god?

You are, after all

Creator of this new world

Breathing life

Into characters

Evoking emotions

You are lord and master

But you’re also the lowly worker

Plodding along

To carry out the tasks

That are the natural effect

Of creativity’s cause

You are all things

When you labor for a love

But after years of this work

Provided you stick it out

Someone will notice

And be drawn to you

Suddenly you will feel a change

A shift in your gravitational pull

Your opinion will have more weight

And your universes

Will re-align themselves

Pushing you to the center

Because all of that hard work

Will pay off

And you’ll become

An overnight sensation

Not just because

You’ve worked your ass off

But because you’ve

Exceeded expectations

And when that happens

I want to be by your side

Because you’ve been

Exceeding my expectations

Since the first instant

We met

And it’s about time

That the rest of the world

Noticed you too

So don’t give up

Even as you work

Every damn day

It’s darkest

During the long night

You must wait out

To be an overnight success

And the day will dawn bright

When those expectations

Have been exceeded

 

My Unbalanced Dance

I try to tell myself

That I’m able

To balance the various parts

Of my life

But this appears to be

Another instance of

Me lying to myself

On the whole

I suppose I do manage

A bit of balance

Between working myself

Damn near to death

And being completely still

Due to exhaustion

But I don’t think

That’s quite what people mean

When they talk about balance

The one thing I’ve learned

Is that most people will do

Whatever is necessary

To if not thrive, survive

Doing what needs done to get by

In this regard, I’m like most

So I often feel

That I don’t have much choice

When it comes to balance

I have a choice to either

Pay my bills or not

I suppose I could make coffee

And breakfast at home more often

Or pack even cheaper lunches

But I struggle to get out the door

As it is and I’m good at rationalizing

So I’m lying to myself

That I’m balancing my life

While rationalizing my spending

On a $3 breakfast

So many issues

So little time

And the hamster wheel

Keeps singing its squeaky song

If I’m laughing

While I’m working

Myself to death

And limiting my tears

To cataclysmic events

And I hug my kids

And cater to my cat

And my words flow out

And the words of others flow in

Is my ship really too unbalanced

To sail?

Will you object

To my floating along

On this current

I’m calling my life?

And if my squeaky wheeled boat

Should happen to wobble

While I try to simultaneously

Run in the rat race

And paddle this canoe

I will have to re-examine

My priorities

But until that time comes

I’m throwing balls

And cliches

Into the air

And at the wall

Juggling and singing

Sinking and swimming

Dancing my unbalanced dance

Rain

Gently yet insistently

Pattering down

Bouncing joyously in puddles

Verdant green springing up

In response to the moisture

But for all the wonderfulness

Of a Spring shower

It’s grey

And dark

And depressing

And cold

Forever a Pollyanna

I look for the good

I know everything

Comes down to perspective

But optimist or not

It’s damn cold out

And the rain is falling harder

Instead of good things

I imagine the worst

Flooding

Creeks and rivers

Spilling over their banks

Torrents of cold

Unrelenting

But the reality is

That this is simply

An average shower

A wet day in April

That people

In any number of communities

Suffering from drought

Would no doubt

Be grateful

To receive

Wet relief

From the dust and the heat

That we’re so fortunate

To have

So I’ll try to remember

When the greyness

Makes me sad

That there are worse fates

To be had

Then a chilly

Wet day

Full of rain

Short Version of a Much Longer Poem

It’s hard to write

The truth of what you mean
When you don’t
Understand it
Yourself.

Perfect Spring Day

Blue skies and green fields

Playing ball under the sun

A perfect Spring day

Sleep Cycles

A friend posed a question on Facebook asking if we were morning people or night owls. I answered that by nature, I’m a night owl; and because my kids are still in school and due to my schedule at work, I’m currently a morning person. Then I started thinking about it.

I currently wake up each day between 3 and 5. I go to sleep between 10 and midnight. So I’m getting between 3 and 7 hrs of sleep a night.

For almost 12 years I worked nights. If I were childless, this might have been ideal. Instead, I came home and either watched my kids (when they were really small) or crashed till it was time to get them from school.

The only time in my life that I’ve ever been able to let my body dictate my sleep cycle was my last year of college. I made sure my classes were scheduled for later in the day and I did all of my darkroom work (my degrees are in photography) during the night. I would go to sleep between 3-7 AM and wake between noon and 2 PM. I tended to eat just one or two meals a day, and I walked almost everywhere.

During this period of my life, I was at my thinnest. I know the daily walking (sometimes as much as 6 miles a day) made a huge difference; but I have to wonder what part my sleep cycle played.

These days, I tend to wake up with time to read/write first thing as I’m getting my bearings for the day. But my best/favorite time to sleep is between 6 and 10 AM. So if I don’t have to be up till 6:30 or 7 and I fall back to sleep after waking up around 3 or 4, I’m screwed. On those days, when I’ve managed to go back to sleep, but I have to wake up again before I would naturally, I spend the entire day in a fog.

I have eight more years till my youngest is out of school. Eight years of working a day job while editing at night and on the weekends. Eight years to build that editing business into something I can do on a schedule that makes sense to my body. So, the goal is to retire from a “day” job in eight years. Either that, or I’ll finally be able to work the 2:30–11:00 PM shift at my office. Either way… I’m so tired of 3 AM being a time I wake up at instead of when I go to sleep.

Proud of You

This one’s for Jake…

 

I think sometimes

Us adults

Forget how hard

Or scary

Or confusing

Or lonely

Childhood can be

Every once in a while

If reminded

We might look back to see

And while I don’t know

About other folks

It was a terrible time

For me

So I watch you

Struggling to figure out

Where you fit in

What makes you happy

Where the good times begin

I know you are conflicted

Pulled in so many directions

And that what sounds

Cool one minute

Before you try it out

Becomes a chore you hate

Once you give it a go

But you keep trying

And I’m starting to see

Little victories

Moments when you exceed

People’s expectations

And sometimes

Even your own

You’re growing stronger

Learning so much

I don’t think you notice

Because you’re down in it

Too close to see

But you’re becoming

You

And that’s a person

I want to be around

I’m so proud of you

Every time you try

Something new

Every time you grow

Even if it’s only

In fits and starts

You’re so smart

And braver than you know

So just hang in there

I know how hard

This can be

But I promise you

You’ll make it through

Just fine

And when you are

Angry or confused

Just slow down

And take a deep breath

You’ll win more

Than you lose

But that’s not to say

That you won’t have

Difficult days

But the good will outweigh the bad

And no matter how each day goes

I’m always so very proud

Trampled Flowers

Some days

No matter

How many

Words

I write

They are not

The words

I need

And their failure

To convey

Everything I want

Feels like

I put beautiful flowers

In the perfect vase

Only to have

The cat come along

And knock them

To the floor

Sending shards of glass

In a million directions

As the flowers

Are cast about

Trampled underfoot

Their beauty

Fading exponentially