Tyler Yoder's Blog, page 10

Poetic Interlude LXXXIX

A Visit From St. Nicholas

By Clement Clark Moore

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her ’kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.

His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle,

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

Tagged: A Visit From St. Nicholas, Christmas Poems, Clement Clark Moore, Poetic Interludes, Poetry, Twas The Night Before Christmas

Post the Second: Madame DeLyte’s Guide to Holiday Entertaining

Now that your home’s suitably decorated for the occasion, Gentle Reader, why not host a friendly holiday gathering? Whether for Christmas, Hanukkah, Solstice, Yule, or just because you’re filled with a surfeit of love for your friends, your family, your fellow humans – it’s an excellent time to entertain. Here are some handy tips I’ve gleaned from my years co-chairing the Fabulous Party Association.

Step 1: Be Sure to Start Planning Months in Advance

Wait – do you mean to tell me you didn’t start already? All that nonsense about Christmas in July – that’s fine, if you like to leave things until the last minute. Starting in June allows you to hand-select a guest list, arrange the venue and theme, save for the copious amounts of food and drink you’ll need, and give you time to build custom decor, like a folding screen of festive greenery. Give yourself time.

Step 2: Select a Theme and Stick to It

Ostensibly, sure, your theme is “The Holidays” – but isn’t that awfully vague? What if someone comes dressed as Canada Day? That would be disastrous. People enjoy dressing up, and while you’ll never be able to entirely eliminate the jeans-and-t-shirt contingent, by enforcing a policy of costumes, or fancy attire, you’ll really set your event apart. Plus, people are more likely to remember “that Edward Gorey themed party” than “one of the fifty parties I went to over Break” – even if they’ve been copiously drinking.

Step 3: Carefully Choose Your Entertainments

It’s important to know your guests, and what sort of things they enjoy. At the FPA, for years, we’d try different parlor games, usually picked to match the theme. We made sure to keep track of how they were received.

If you don’t have any standard party games of your own, feel free to ask in the comments.

One of our most successful games was our festive winter murder mystery. Select guests were given roles and scripts -

- and throughout the night would re-enact certain scenes, giving away clues to the rest, who were left to piece the mystery together. Despite some misunderstandings, there had not been a real murder.

Step 4: Make Sure Those Entertainments Include Fabulous Prizes

If you’re making people dress up, shouldn’t you give them a little incentive? Costume contests are great for that. People love to outdo each other. You may find a stage handy at this point.

Step 5: You Really Ought To Have Room For Dancing, Too

And room for not dancing, as well. For every two guests who are rabid for the next surprise thrill you’re about to unveil, you’ll have three who want to sit and indulge in pleasant chat or vicious gossip. It’s wise to have a spot where those more low-key individuals can rest.

If a conga-line spontaneously breaks out after the period-dance-lesson is over, you’ll know that both types of guests will be just fine.

Step 5: Capitalize on People’s Vanity

We can all agree that people love seeing pictures of themselves, right? Set up a thematically-appropriate photo op they won’t find elsewhere and take everyone’s portrait. Tell your prey guests that while all pictures will be available online, that they can receive an 8×10 print for a suitable donation. If necessary, use guilt. They’ll buy.

Step 6: Some People Suck

Sweetie – can I call you Sweetie, Gentle Reader? – Sweetie, I have a secret. Despite all your hard work, despite your careful planning, despite all the money you’ve sunk into a single night to show your friends and family a good time – despite all this, Sweetie, some people are going to be like this:

And you know what the secret is, Sweetie? That’s okay. You can’t worry about it – you’ve done your best to make everyone happy for one festive night, and while you can be a good host by offering to freshen their drink or help them to another canapé – you still have a huge number of guests who are having a good time. You can’t worry about people like this. It’s not that you don’t care, it’s just that, as host, you’re far too busy organizing every damned thing to ensure that every other damned person does enjoy their damned night.

No matter what you’re celebrating, Gentle Reader, I hope you have a festive party or two to attend.

Tagged: Entertaining, Fabulous Parties, Fabulous Party Association, Festive as Fuck, Holiday Cheer, Holiday Guides, Holiday Parties

Post the First: Madame DeLyte’s Guide to Holiday Decor

I feel safe in assuming that we’re all fairly classy gentlefolk around here, Gentle Reader. Or I am, at any rate. The holidays, especially, are a time of hosting parties and entertainments in general, and it’s important to correctly set the scene for the festivities. Therefore, using my guiding principles of elegance and simplicity, I have just a few tips that can transform any home into a magical wonderland.

1. Bring the Outdoors In

If you’re fortunate enough to live in the forest, as I am, you can simply gather nature’s bounty at your leisure, and festoon it liberally about the place. I prefer to decorate with cedar boughs, myself, but fir, pine, and juniper all work well. Strewing greenery everywhere will make it seem less strange that you have a tree inside your home, as well as remind guests that it is, in fact, winter.

Don’t fret, though, City-Dweller! Even if you can’t wander about your yard gathering sticks, you needn’t pay the exorbitant prices they charge for woodland garlands. Simply venture into the park with a hacksaw!

2. The Lights

There’s a large amount of argument over whether white lights or multi-colored lights are better; personally, I feel that the multi-colored ones are best saved for out-of-doors, where I don’t have to see them. For my tree, and for my garlands, I favor soft, simple tones of white and gold lights, mimicking candlelight. To take things a more authentically old-fashioned step further, you can also strap actual candles to the dry resinous tree that you’ve brought indoors!

Furthermore, should your tree spontaneously go up in flames, you can tell your guests that you’re simply celebrating an old custom: burning the yule log.

3. Make it Magical!

Now that your base layers of shrubs and lights are suitably scattered around your home, it’s time to add some festive pizzazz. All the ornaments too ugly to go onto your tree? Arrange them in glass bowls on any surface. You can also hang ornaments in doorways and windows at different heights from varying lengths of ribbon.

Speaking of glitter, you’re going to need rather a lot of it. Strew it hither and yon – on your tree, on your garlands, in drifts on your windowsills and floors – make everything shine. Each bit of glitter will catch and refract the soft lights, sending sparkles everywhere.

And there you have it, Gentle Reader – my three surefire tips for making your home festive this winter. Happy Decorating!

Tagged: Christmas Decor, Decorating Tips, Don't Do Any Of These Things Y'all, Holiday Decorations, Holiday Hints, Seriously This Is Terrible Advice

Poetic Interlude LXXXVIII

From Sunset to Star Rise

By Christina Georgina Rossetti

Go from me, summer friends, and tarry not:

I am no summer friend, but wintry cold,

A silly sheep benighted from the fold,

A sluggard with a thorn-choked garden plot.

Take counsel, sever from my lot your lot,

Dwell in your pleasant places, hoard your gold;

Lest you with me should shiver on the wold,

Athirst and hungering on a barren spot.

For I have hedged me with a thorny hedge,

I live alone, I look to die alone:

Yet sometimes, when a wind sighs through the sedge,

Ghosts of my buried years, and friends come back,

My heart goes sighing after swallows flown

On sometime summer’s unreturning track.

Tagged: Christina Georgina Rossetti, Despair, Friendship, Loneliness, Poetic Interludes, Poetry

Post the Hundred and Fourth: BLOGIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA!

Oh, my stars, Gentle Reader! We did it! We scraped through Year the Second together – by the skin of our teeth, you know – but here we are, together once more! It’s time for one of my favorite things – the annual Blogiversary Extravaganza. Buckle in, kittens!

As ever, the Extravaganza comes with some very exciting surprises. Have you noticed? The site’s been redecorated, once again. This year’s posts have been revisited, collated, and punched up a little, if you’d care to revisit them. All the pages have been spruced up, as well. It’s been a lot of work, but it’s been a labor of love.

I know I was forced to rely a little heavily on re-runs over the last few months, Reader, and I’m very sorry about that. That’s why the posting schedule’s been changed up; we’re going to a Tuesday-Thursday-Sunday schedule. Posts still come out at cocktail hour, Pacific Time. That way, I’m not interfering with people’s weekend plans, you see.

Sundays will remain poetry. You might have noticed I haven’t posted any poetry of my own for quite some time – that’s because I’m working on a new collection, known as #NoHetero, and I don’t want to ruin the surprise. With luck, it should be available sometime this next year.

But enough about the boring behind-the-scenes stuff! You’re here for the fabulous surprises, right?

You still don’t get a brand new car. Sorry.

So what were the highlights and lowlights of the past 365 days of blogging? LET ME TELL YOU, CHILD: People were very kind to me over the course of the last year. Both because they loved me, and because it would make for fabulous blogging opportunities. People’s kindness brought us such scenes as these:

I got to learn about Seattle’s most haunted places.

Some friends brought me to Portland via train, where I learned that one is never underdressed if one is clad in a cape and a merkin.

An old flame flew me first-class to Anchorage, Alaska, for a tryst.

My Going-Away-Party began with Brunch

And then continued with kindness late into the night.

Mr. Darling and Ms. Capere, the weekend after my crushing disappointment of having to cancel my flight to destiny, took me out and pampered me.

 

And then Darling and his family took me to Leavenworth, the Bavaria of the Foothills, to assuage my pain in not going to actual Bavaria. There was Cow Ropin’.

Darling and Capere also helped me achieve one of the more expensive items on The List – the Champagne and Caviar Picnic.

I technically participated in GISHWHES, even though I had a bit of a melt-down and had to back off from most of the shenanigans – but it’s all about Kindness, and letting go of societal conventions, and embracing beauty and spontaneity and art and love. And it was thanks to Miss Goss that I got to play along.

Kindness has truly been the watchword of this year. I’m so grateful to have you, Gentle Reader, and to have the opportunity to try to make you smile, or to bring you solace when you’re wallowing in woe.

This year has also been heavy on Closure, and moving in New Directions.

There was a lot of introspection,

And trying new things,

And letting go of the past.

You were there with me when I suffered a crushing blow, Gentle Reader,

And you were there when I picked myself up off the floor and asked a stranger on a date.

This year has been full of silliness,

Full of anger,

Full of joy,

And full of despair.

But you’ve helped me pull through. Here’s to Year the Third, Gentle Reader! Is there anything new you’d like to see? Anything old brought back?  Do you love the site redesign? Hate it? Tell me what you’d like to see hereabouts in future, loves – I’m listening. Happy Blogiversary, darlings.

Tagged: All The Feelings, Best Posts, Blogiversary, BLOGIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA, Despair, Joy, Loss, Silliness, Triumph

Post the Hundred and Third: The Reverend Doctor’s Holiday Gift Guide

Gentle Reader, One of my favorite parts of the holiday season is the opportunity to select gifts for my loved ones. There’s just something magical about their faces when they open your carefully chosen offerings – a special sort of excitement that the two of you share.

No, Really! I love it!

But how do you choose the perfect gift? I’m so glad you asked, Gentle Reader.

1. Know What Your Gift Says

Your choice of gift speaks volumes about your relationship with the person you’re giving it to. It’s generally acknowledged that giving candles indicates you hardly know the person in question at all, but felt compelled to give them something. On the other hand, a gift of exciting new underwear betrays a certain intimacy, and certainly isn’t an appropriate gift for everyone.

Or possibly anyone.

If you find yourself having to give a gift to someone you don’t know well, go with something consumable. Wine’s a fine way to give someone something nice without knowing too many details. For your more intimate gift-giving – well, just stay away from anything with teeth.

2. Know Their Likes 

This should go without saying, Gentle Reader, but you should have some idea of what the person you’re shopping for actually likes, or cares about. Otherwise, stick with the hooch, as previously advised.

Assuming you know anything about them at all, this shouldn’t be too hard. Do they enjoy working on cars and also sparkly things? BOOM:

Or perhaps they like shiny things, and also cooking?

Or smoking hookah with friends! Perhaps they like that.

3. Know Their Loves

A truly good gift is something that the recipient wouldn’t ordinarily buy for themselves. Oh, and also that they would love. Don’t just get something they wouldn’t buy because they’d hate it.

I don’t even know what this is, frankly.

Instead, get something that they’d dearly love, that’s just a little extravagant or outside their means, that’ll brighten their world, like a fantastic new clutch.

4. Know Your Limitations*

If all else fails, seek a different source of inspiration. Sit down with a bottle of wine and a box of crayons. Draw a picture of the person in question.

Now look at the picture and think about what would fit in it–why, with her hand like that it almost looks like she could be holding a vintage vase!

He definitely needs a new tie clip–the tie you drew is terribly woggy.

YOU’VE NEGLECTED TO GIVE HIM EYEBROWS! A gift card to your favorite high-end makeup store is definitely the way to go!

And that should solve your difficulties at once.

Remember, being thoughtful is the watchword of the gift-buyer. Happy hunting!

*********

*Many Thanks to Miss Emily Ward for helping me with this entry. Tip # 4 is entirely her doing, except for the drawings. Thanks, Nembo.

Tagged: Bedazzled Things That Shouldn't Be Bedazzled, Doll Heads Everywhere, Gifts, Holiday Gift Guides, Holiday How-Tos, Hooch, Presents, Rat Panties, Shopping, The Joke Is That I Would Actually Be Thrilled By All Of These Except The Engine

Music Monday: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

This is the week of my Blogiversary, Gentle Reader, so prepare yourself for some exciting changes over the course of this week, culminating, of course, in Friday’s Blogiversary Extravaganza. You’ve been warned.

Tagged: Chordelia, Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Music Monday, Tyler J. Yoder, Ukulele Vids

Poetic Interlude LXXXVII

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Tagged: Apropos Poetry, Poetic Interludes, Poetry, Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Post the Hundred and Second: The Reverend Doctor’s Holiday Cocktail Guide

Have you been watching the news lately, Gentle Reader? Do you live in the U.S.A.? Are you preparing to meet with your relatives in the next several weeks for the holidays?

I’m so terribly sorry, darling; you need a cocktail.

Luckily, I’m here to spread some cheer, and some of my fabulous recipes from my personal collection for your winter enjoyment.

Buckle in, darlings; we’re going to get festive.

Auntie Mumsy’s White Russians*: 

Ingredients:

Kahlua
Vodka
More Vodka
Eggnog

Add Kahlua or discount coffee liqueur to glass. Pour it over ice if you must, you pantywaist. Add vodka. What? That’s it? Add more vodka. You can take it. Top off the glass with eggnog, and  add some freshly ground nutmeg. GRIND IT FASTER, CHILD!

The nutmeg is entirely necessary, for its hallucinatory effects.

Whoops, I’m Sorry, Tyler

Ingredients:

The desire to sober up within the next fortnight.
A hefty portion of Apple Pie liqueur, which – for your information – is made with Everclear. The real stuff. For full effect, store it in an empty apple cider jug.
Vodka, as a mixer, in this case.

Attend a house party, and ask your friend who’s tending bar to mix you something light because you want to leave around midnight. Watch as he pours half a jigger of vodka into your glass and tops it with spiced apple cider. It’s smooth. Realize shortly that there’s no way you’ll be driving anywhere ever again†.

Fabulous Party Punch

Ingredients:

An enormous tub of rainbow sherbet.
Various discount tropical juice cans, from concentrate
Lots of Sparkling Lemon-Lime soda

Obtain your great-aunt’s sterling silver punch bowl. Dump two cans of juice concentrate into it. Think of how she’d cry.

Add the knock-off sprite, and stir rapidly, until the whole mess is sugary and bubbly. Add several scoops of sherbet, and be warned that it’s going to foam atrociously. Be also warned that it’s going to taste delicious and be extremely popular with guests. Be further warned that the foam is not the most appealing thing to look at. Do not look at your cup while you imbibe this sweet nectar.

Your Mother’s In The Hospital And Your Father’s Bedridden

Ingredients:

A Sympathetic Grandmother
18 Years Of Age
A Generous Tot of Seagrams’s Seven Crown
An Equal amount of Seven Up
A Jealous Cousin Who’s Older Than You But Still Not Legal (optional)

Be suffering. Enter your Nanny’s home all alone on Christmas Eve for the first time in your life and feel like an orphan. It’s just the two of you; sit there in heavy silence for a while. Adjust your bow tie.

Eventually, politely inquire if your grandmother minds if you smoke (you’re old fashioned). Idealy, she’ll ash her cigarette and say yes, she minds, but she’s never been a hypocrite. She’ll then ask you, for the first time in your life, if you’d care to join her in a drink. Agree, obviously. Bond while she regales you with family gossip that you really shouldn’t be party to until you’re much older.

For an extra garnish, have your older cousin, who’s twenty, walk into the house while you’re drinking and smoking with your Nan. Have him be super jealous because he’s older than you and never got to have that experience with her. Add his tears to the glass†.

Madame DeLyte’s New Year’s Punch

Ingredients:

An entire bottle of St. Germain’s Elderflower Liqueur. Nothing else will do.
One Magnum of champagne. Or sparkling wine. Or Cook’s. It’s a mixer, so whatevs.
375 millilitres  of Rose’s Sweet Lime Cordial.

That silver punch bowl from earlier? Dump it out and wash it, cretin. Make sure you have a matching ladle.

Just before the clock ticks over to midnight, mix the punch. Add the St. Germain’s and the sweet lime, and fill with “champagne”.

Carrying the punchbowl and ladle, exit the building with an assistant, and don’t entirely close the door behind you – seriously, don’t let the latch catch.

On the stroke of twelve, kick your door in, singing Auld Lang Syne. Treat each guest individually to a dipper’s worth of your special punch as you make your way around the room.

Don’t get carried away – that’s unsanitary!

It’s ridiculous and extravagant and indulgent, and your guests will treasure the memory.

Happy Holidays, Gentle Readers!

*********

* This recipe is actually mine. I borrowed Auntie Mumsy’s name to make it seem quaint. Sorry, darling!

†These recipes are very nearly entirely based on true stories. Very nearly.

Tagged: Dead People, Family Stories That Are Completely True, Festive Cocktails, Festive Drinks, Hank Williams Jr., Holiday Cocktails, Holiday Drink Recipes, How To Cope With Relatives, Traditions

Post the Hundred-and-First: Beauty Secrets of the Reverend Doctor: Holiday Magic Edition

That’s a hell of a wordy title, is it not, Gentle Reader? Well. I’ll just have to try to live up to it.

No matter your beliefs, December is a time of festivity. Even if you’re not religious, you’re going to get invited to parties, light-viewings, concerts, and so on – and if you go out in public at all? The holiday cheer is inescapable. As for myself, I love this time of year with an unhealthy level of zeal, and I like my personal style to reflect that.

Step One: Obtain a really great statement sweater

Now, I’m not talking those ugly sweaters that are so bad that they’ve become a whole theme party by themselves.

Leslie Hall, ladies, gentlemen, and honored others.

I mean something in neutral tones – myself, I prefer a sort of monochrome look, but taupe, navy, and so on would still work fine. Look for some great details, like ridiculous hematite beads or something – but think classy, rather than silly. You want to make a statement, but you don’t want to go over the top. Like this:

Step Two: Accessorize

The last part of this look is rather intense, so you don’t want to go overboard at this stage. At the same time, you want to exude pure class. Think grandma’s pearls.

A fun tip, if you only have a single hole in each ear and also a ridiculous collection of clip-on earrings thanks to your late great-aunt, is to use those clip-ons higher up on the ear.

Step Three: The Hair

You’ll want some fabulous bangs to be going on. Most of your hair can be ignored, if it’s short – if it’s long, put it in a ponytail or a simple bun – but what’s important is the bangs. Maybe arrange to have an enormous curl right in the middle of your forehead.

Once you’ve arranged the bang situation, obtain a colorful scarf. Here’s where you want a bold color. Personally, I found a bright burgundy and black scarf while I was unpacking Christmas ornaments, and found that it was appropriately festive even if I’m not sure where it came from. Wrap the center around the back of your head, and hold the two tails out in front of you.

Step Four: More Scarf

Cross the two tails over one another, and pull the ends behind your head. This is best done with two hands and worst done while trying to take a photo of this step.

Step Five: Tie The Damned Scarf, Already

Tie it behind your head, on one side or the other. The knot should be just behind one of your ears, allowing the tails to flutter down becomingly, giving a bit more color to the fabulousness of your neutral sweater.

Step Six: The Best Part

So now you have a brightish scarf covering most of your hair, but your outfit doesn’t really scream holiday magic so much as it screams not-pulled-together. That’s what the last step is for, of course. Go find some faux flowers; I used velvet poinsettias, both because they match the scarf and because they’re just dripping in holiday cheer. Clip the ends, leaving yourself between four and six inches of the wire-stem bit, and bend that stem into a hook shape. Push the wire under both layers of scarf, and put the hook part between the two layers, cunningly holding your flowers in place.

And there you have it, Gentle Reader! A classy holiday look that will absolutely set you apart from the crowd. Now that you’re prepared, go R.S.V.P. to those invitations you’ve been putting off! Go get ‘em, Buckaroo!

Tagged: Beauty Secrets, Beauty Tips, Flowers Everywhere, Flowers in her hair, Holiday Fashion, Style Guide, Tyler J. Yoder, Winter Style