Kevin James Breaux's Blog, page 3

A Time Mage’s Guide to Video Game Systems – RPG Games of The Early Days of Personal Computing

Welcome back, hello again, and nice to finally meet you. I’m Marius Breaux the Time Mage and I am here in Balbo’s fine establishment to talk about the early days of RPG games on the PC, Apple, Commodore 64, and all those other whacky home computers of the early 80s.

You see, in the time I am from, everyone from the richest man to the simplest of pauper carries their own person computer in their hand. They are always and forever plugged into the net and can obtain all sorts of information within a fraction of a microsecond. It’s true. You can even tell the future by looking at the weather forecast in the days ahead.

(Marius pauses to allow the crowd to gasp.)

Alas, it was not always that way. Like you, sweet and kind common folk of this realm, people once had to sit stationary in their own homes to play complex strategy and RPG games and they played them on things called personal computers.

When personal computers first arrived in people’s homes, they were designed for elementary computations and straightforward word processing. But, in the world I come from, ingenuity always leads to a way for people to play their games.

Balbo, imagine playing cards with your meat locker. Odd, right? Well, in my time they are called refrigerators, and you can play solitaire on them as you decide what meat you want to defrost.

So, as you can imagine, in the early 1980s of my world, innovation brought us all sorts of new, fun, and stimulating games to play. Let us begin with this small sampling of fan favorites. Perhaps you have heard of them.

Wizardry

In 1981, the first Wizardry game was released and, in many ways, changed gaming forever. Wizardry is one of the most well-known and played RPG games on PCs back in the early 80s. It opened the door, or shall we say, unlocked the gate, for other game creators and developers.

Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord was the brainchild of Sir-Tech Software based in the United States.

Based on Dungeons and Dragons, the game starts with you in a town (represented by a text menu) and has you create characters for your new party. You get to pick from the typical D&D races like: Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, and Gnomes. You can also pick your alignments from good, neutral, and evil. Lastly, you can pick from several beginner classes: Fighter, Mage, Priest.

Sounds like a normal night for new adventures in this town right, Balbo? Well, it’s that familiarity that made the game popular. Pen and Paper gamers who owned a computer jumped at the chance to start a new journey. Once equipped in basic gear the game began! Best of lucky, brave pioneer!

Wizardry is what the call a “dungeon crawler.” What is that? Well, it’s the kind of fantasy RPG game where you spend most of your time navigating a maze of traps, puzzles, and enemies. Oh…treasure too! Don’t forget the treasure!

One thing that those early 80s gamers will tell you is that the first Wizardry game was relentless. The level of difficulty was intense because you could not save the game within the dungeons. You had to survive and find an exit before you could save your progress.

Back in the day, Wizardry was a best-selling game and it kicked off a long series of sequels and remakes.

Have you played the original? Or maybe you have played one of the follow-ups? This old Time Mage put a lot of hours into Wizardry: Crusaders of the Dark Savant back in the 1990s.

If you are someone who values their time, like me, then you might be wondering how long it would take to complete this game. Well, set aside somewhere in the 28-to-33-hour range.

The Bard’s Tale

In 1985, the first Bard’s Tale was released on the Apple II by Interplay Productions. The game starts off in the fictional town of Skara Brae. Heard of it? I think I have a second cousin who lives there. It was a large town back in the day, a whopping 30 by 30 square map tiles!!! 

Like Wizardry, you start the game by putting together a team of characters. In The Bard’s Tale, you will need six to complete your squad. Get ready to pick from some more familiar classes like, Monk, Rogue, Paladin, Bard, Hunter, Warrior, Conjurer, and Magician.

Of course, you are going to want to play a bard. The game is named after the class. And when playing the Bard, you will be rewarded with the ability to sing magical songs that will improve the stats and armor of your teammates. The bard’s songs even trigger actual music in the game, some of which was classical in theme.

For magic-users, casting spells has never been easier! All you had to do was open the game’s printed manual and find the four-letter code. Boom! Fireball!

In the Bard’s Tale you get some excellent turn-based combat, but it’s all in text. So, get your readers ready children of the eighties if you plan to revisit this one.

Remember, this was back in a day when selling 100,000 copies of a game was considered a massive success. The Bard’s Tale sold over 407,000 copies before 1990. I wonder if the developers were all driving red Lamborghini back then?

I hope you have saved 30-40 hours of time to give this one a try. It’s fun and part of the important foundation of PC RPG gaming.

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons – Pool of Radiance

The first adaptation of Dungeons and Dragons on home computers was released in 1988 by Strategic Solutions. It was a single player tactical role-playing game. The game held to the AD&D rules set by TSR. The game’s cover art by Clyde Caldwell gave it the feel of a novel cover or an illustration for a module, which I bet hooked many gamers. (I’m 90% sure this is why I bought it.)

One of the most exciting things about this game is it takes place in the Forgotten Realms fantasy world (a famous campaign setting for D&D). The story begins with the players arriving at a town which has fallen into ruin. It was once a nice spot, and now few humans reside there and evil surrounds it.

The game promised the D&D experience. Form a team of six adventures from the familiar D&D classes, pick from the races from the AD&D rulebooks, and choose alignments for them too. It was your chance to play your favorite pen and paper RPG game solo!

“Exploration” mode had you running a 3d maze and combat mode was viewed from top-down. The game had decent graphics for its time and was ported to Apple, Amiga, and later NES. Did you play it on NES?

With the right mix of strength, courage, and will, a gamer could finish Pool of Radiance in about 30 hours.

Ultima 4: Quest for the Avatar

One word. Cloth Map. Yes, the game came boxed with a high-quality cloth map. If you have never seen the Ultima cloth maps, Google them; they are rad!

Ultima 4: Quest for the Avatar was released in 1985 by Origin System and it also had cover art which was stunning and caught the eye of gamers. The art appeared to have a Jesus-like character parting a sea with a staff with a glowing ankh on it.

Originally released for Apple II, the game was successful and released on just about every other imaginable system at the time and for years to come. Commodore 64? Yes. Atari 8-bit? Yes. Sega Master System? Yep! NES? That too!

This game has a lot of reasons why it stands apart from the others. First off, it is not set it a dark age or time or setting of ruin. It’s in an age of prosperity. Cool, right? Well, that’s not all. This game does not have a “big bad.” You know what I mean, no all-encompassing, great, mastermind, super evil, mega arch demon fiend. Nope. Just you. This game focuses on you. Your improvement. Your ability to grow and make good morale decisions. Also cool, right?

Another neat detail is you are not building your character in the normal way. Instead of rolling or picking stats and classes you are asked questions by a fortune teller and how you answer determines your resulting characteristics. What does that mean? Well, if your answers tend to favor honor then you will probably roll a Paladin.

The game itself looks and feels a lot of Ultima: Exodus (which is more than fine by me, I love Ultima: Exodus)(It’s a top 5 game!). Ultima 4 is much later though and has a nice open world feel for the time.

Ready to jump on some quests and sub quests? Me too. Let’s just go check in with Lord British first. And remember, he is invulnerable/immortal. Don’t bother attacking him. Trust me.

If you can avoid stealing anything and remember to give a few coins to beggars, you might be able to finish this game in about 34 to 40 hours. If you are a completionist, prepare to invest over 50.

Might and Magic II: Gates to Another World

In 1988, many gamers entered the world of Might and Magic with Might and Magic II: Gates to Another World. This single-player RPG game was released by New World Computing. Yes, it is another sequel. As you can imagine, many of the games in this list are parts of a series. Like everyone hope with movies, a sequel should be better than its predecessor. Might and Magic II achieved that goal and improved on Might and Magic I in many ways, but most noticeable was the graphics and interface. The game just simply looked and controlled better which made it easier and more fun to play.

Once again, the player is set to create a team. Like many of the games listed above the team consisted of six characters the player created. Where Might and Magic II stood apart was that you could create up to twenty characters and swap them out. You could even import characters from the original to play in the sequel. That is a feature we love!

Might and Magic II focused on lots of battle, but also had some puzzles for the gamer to solve. It did not lack in humor either. Unlike some of the other RPGs of the time, Might and Magic II had lots of peculiarities around for you to discover and have an occasional chuckle over.

Another unusual feature about Might and Magic II was that your characters aged and once over 75 they could die of natural causes. Yep, after investing all the time raising their stats, they might just croak. Kinda puts things in perspective, right?

The game had lots of praise back in the day and often landed 4 of 5 or 5 of 5-star reviews. In 1990, it was listed among the top 50 best PC games and now in 2024 we are listing it in our top PC games too!

Make sure you have your provisions because this one takes time to finish. Prepare for a journey of at least 40 but more realistically 60+ hours.

PHANTASIE

1985 brought us another cool PC game from Strategic Solutions. This one is called Phastasie and it predates Pools of Radiance above (just an FYI).

Phantasie allowed players to form a team of…wait for it…wait for it… YES, six characters (from six different classes), to embark on a quest to defeat an evil sorcerer called Nikademus. We have to wonder if most people picked one character from each class or did they double or triple up on their favorite class in this one.

Imagine a team of three fighters and three priests. Or maybe a team of six monks. Hmmm?

Phantasie had bright colorful graphics that were also very flat and one-dimensional. In some ways, they felt like a mix of Atari 2600 and NES. The game gives you some options in the town and a mix of choices here and there. Expect some puzzle solving at turn-based combat too. It’s a good balance of all your favorite RPG elements. You can find free versions of Phantasie if you Google it. Or at least check out some screenshots.

The game’s developers accredit many well-known fantasy elements as part of the creation of the game from, D&D, Tolkien’s writing, Narnia storylines, and Greek Mythology.  So, of course the game did well. And is considered a favorite among many earlier PC gamers.

We are happy to inform you that Phantasie can be a quick one for some gamers at under 20 hours to finish. 

BONUS!Autoduel

Here is a bonus game for you. It’s not in the fantasy realm, instead it’s based on the popular pen and paper RPG game Car Wars from Steve Jackson Games.

Autoduel allowed gamers to play Car Wars on their computers. It was released in 1985 by Origin Systems. Car Wars was set in the future and had people doing combat in heavily armored and armed cars. It was sometimes in tournament style, others in missions like transporting things from point A to B.

The main RPG feature of the game had players create a driver character and assign skill points to either marksmanship, driving, or mechanics. Then, after a few battles with lender vehicles, you can buy your own armored car and start the main story.

Autoduel’s story had the player performing courier missions. Sound familiar? (We are looking at you, with a side-eye, writers of the Twisted Metal TV show). Through a mainly top-down perspective, you traveled down highways to cities and fought in tournaments.

The game was received well back in 1985. People liked the graphics and enjoyed the gameplay. Sadly, it has not weathered the storm and some gamers do not look back at it as kindly as others do.

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Something’s Rotten at the Dragon’s Beard

a Tabletop Beard story by Kevin Breaux – part two, (find part one here).

Balbo did not get back to work at the tavern until afternoon the following day. He had stayed up late, chatted with his new druid friend, Kreqe Kregrummen, and did not sleep until daybreak. He and Evelyn sent Krege off with a satchel full of food and water, along with some souvenirs from the Dragon’s Beard in the form of trinkets and several bottles of Tabletop Beard’s druid-themed beard oil.

It was clear to Balbo that Krege was happy to return to the wilds, the elf lit up with a huge smile and drew in the deepest inhale of breath Balbo had ever seen a man take. He even recited something Balbo guessed was an elven prayer before he strolled off toward the forest outside of town.

Evelyn said it best, when she turned to Balbo earlier this morning and offered her hopes that they would see Krege again soon. Balbo chuckled to himself as he walked down the stairs and laid eyes on a full tavern of customers eating their lunch.

“Gonna miss that druid’s fuzzy little nose.”

“Morning, Balbo!” Evelyn sung out from behind the bar.

“Morning.” Balbo sneered; Evelyn was just too chipper for him to handle. “What time did you start your day?”

“I have been awake since we saw off Krege.”

“You haven’t slept?”

“No,” she answered.

Balbo shook his head. “Why?”

“Someone needs to run the Dragon’s Beard when its beloved owner is resting.”

“Ha! Beloved.”

“Revered, perhaps?”

“If you are aiming to pocket some extra coin for the hard work today Evelyn—”

“Yes, Balbo?”

“Consider it yours,” he said with a smile. “You’ve earned it.”

“See ladies,” Evelyn called out to the two barmaids on the floor. “All you need to do is butter up old Balbo. He’s a softy.”

Balbo reached the bar, where Evelyn handed him a mug of cider. He drank it dry in one gulp and then ran his hand down his beard. He was so used to her teasing now that he did not feel a need to reply to it. Anyway, there was a cleric at a table in the corner who drew his fullest attention. The man was in the middle of an exciting tale and Balbo loved a good story.

“So, our team was slaughtered before my eyes. I was convinced I was next. That…that thing just…nothing seemed to stop it. So, big, and gooey and…gross. I simply tossed my torch at it, and it bounced off the thing and landed on Harold’s body. Yes, Harold the wizard. Yes, the one guy with the long robe everyone used to guess was made of burlap. Well, we were right, it must have been made of burlap because my torch ignited it in a second.”

“Harold the flammable,” a patron laughed. “That guy was always setting things on fire. Always claiming they were accidents.”

“He did love his fireball spells; I am surprised his robe never lit up before. Honestly. How did he manage not setting himself ablaze, right Bertram?” The cleric tapped the other man at his table on the shoulder and then continued his story. “Well, there I was, just staring in shock. Harold’s body had created a wall of flames that was keeping the beast away from me. But not for long. It slid, or maybe slithered, to the right. I was about to run around it, to the other side, but the growing flames on Harold had suddenly spread to Timmus.”

“The rogue?”

“Yes, he had managed to sneak behind the thing and land a good backstab, but it grabbed him with one of its tentacles and slammed him hard to the ground. His head burst like a ripe melon. It was disgusting.”

“I liked Timmus!” Another patron yelled. “And he owed me 10 gold!”

“Well, I can give you a map to where he is located, and you can go collect the 10 gold if you dare, right Bertram?”

The cleric’s friend looked ill. Which only added spice to the intrigue of the story. Balbo was hooked.

“Okay, where was I?” The cleric said, “Yes, I was blocked by the fire that had spread onto Timmus. And that foul creature was on the other side. Poor Bertram here, bless his soul, had succumb to the beast first and was several feet behind it, near the entrance. I could see him there and realized, he was my last and only hope.”

“What did you do?” Balbo asked as he approached the table.

“I cast a resurrection spell!” the cleric cheered. “I raised mighty Bertram!

“I’m alive,” Bertram mumbled.

“Yes, my friend. Thanks to me.”

“You brought me back?”

“I did.”

“Evelyn, can I get some water for Bertram here, please?” Balbo asked as he waved to her.

Balbo leaned in toward Bertram, the man looked seriously unwell; covered in sweat with red circles around his eyes.

“What killed you, friend?”

“A cloud of something. That creature puffed out a thick green mist, it burned my lungs. I was gone so quickly. I—”

“Leave it to the fighter to rush right in and take the first shot. We all would have died in that cloud had Bertram not been so brave and shown us what we should all to be aware of.”

“What happened to your ranger?”

“April? She died trying to pull Betram from the cloud.”

“So, the cloud killed her too?”

“Well, not exactly,” the cleric explained. “A tentacle grabbed her too. Lifted her high off the ground and started squeezing her. I watched her struggle, even cast a healing spell on her, but it crushed her. Crush her like a—”

“Grape?” someone called out. “Ape the grape. Rest in peace.”

“Hush!”

“Show some respect.” Balbo raised his voice.

Evelyn approached with a pitcher of water and when she reached the table, Balbo watched her nose crinkle. He had seen that look on her face before and he knew exactly what was next.

“Oh,” she fanned her nose. “What stinks?”

Balbo hooked her arm after she set the pitcher down and escorted her from the table. “I think that smell is Betram.”

“He smells like a corpse.”

Balbo nodded and before he could say another word there was a loud gasp behind him. When he gazed back at the table where the cleric and resurrected fighter sat, he witnessed something truly disturbing. The fighter choked. He had turned purple, and clutched his throat. The look on his face was one of shock and horror. Balbo had seen it before, but this time it was different. He could tell the man knew he was dying but there was something more.

“Bertram! Bertram! What’s wrong?” the cleric shouted at his friend. “What ails you?”

Balbo rushed back to the table. “Can you heal him?”

“What?” the cleric looked confused by Balbo’s request.

“Heal him, man. Heal him!”

The cleric took a step back, brushed down the wrinkles in his robe and started to chant. But it was clear to Balbo, and everyone else in the tavern, that nothing was happening. Bertram’s face was distorted and a deep shade of purple; his eyes even bulged.

“Balbo!” Evelyn pointed.

When Bertram’s head struck the table before him, it did with a loud thud that echoed throughout the building. One of the barmaids shrieked and many of the patrons cried out.

“Bertram is dead,” the cleric said. “…a-again.”

Balbo grabbed the cleric by his white robes and shook him. “Why didn’t you heal him?”

“I tried. I-I can’t cast. My spells are…I can’t cast my spells,” he said with his arms up. “Nothing is working. Not even the smallest trick.”

“Wait! I can’t cast either,” another patron shouted.

“Me too!”

“What’s happening here?”

“Balbo?” Evelyn asked.

“It seems like something is dispelling magic in the Dragon’s Beard…” Balbo drew a deep breath and held it in his chest as he steadied himself. “And that worries me deeply.”

To Be Continued…

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From the Alchemist’s Workshop – Sunflower Oil

Ho there, friend!

Would you care for a carrot? I have a box full of fresh carrots from the garden behind the inn. No, friend, today is not a workshop on carrots or carrot seed oil. Tonight’s focus will be on the amazing all-natural benefits of sunflower oil. I pulled these carrots for umm…friends.

Anyway, I am glad you are here to attend today’s alchemist’s workshop. As I said, today we will be discussing sunflower oil. You know what a sunflower is, right? One of those giant flowers with head like a…well…like the sun! Ha!

Oh? You were here for the avocado oil workshop. Yes, Kristoff made amazing appetizers that day. No, he did not make ones for today’s workshop.

“Actually, Bablo, he did. Evelyn to the rescue!” She shouted as she approached. “I had Kristoff make some sunflower seed butter to go on this freshly baked bread.”

Good thinking, Evelyn!

“You know me,” Evelyn said with a wink. “I’m always thinking about how to make the bar more exciting.”

Yes, well, it is certainly never a dull moment with you here. Right, friend? Hmmm? What are you looking at? Evelyn or the appetizers? No, don’t answer.

“You don’t want our fiend here to say which he thinks is more—”

No, I do not, Evelyn. Now, back to work while I tell everyone here what makes sunflower oil so wonderful.

What is a Sunflower and What is Sunflower oil?

You have seen them; they grow tall and large, usually around ten feet tall. They look like a large glowing sun and can have a flower head the size of a dinner plate. They are magnificent and guess what, you may not know this, but sunflowers are characterized as a crop. Yes, they are typically grown for their edible seeds. That said, some sunflowers are grown to produce oils, others for seeds to use as bird food. But there are other uses too.

Sunflower oil is pressed from sunflower seeds and is most commonly used as a cooking oil. But hold on to your horse, friend, sunflower oil is also used in cosmetics acting as an outstanding moisturizer with its copious quantities of the magically positive vitamin E.

Three cheers for vitamin E!

Fun facts

This natural oil is basically flavorless.It is triglyceride.The largest amount of sunflower oil is created in Ukraine.What are the Benefits of Sunflower Oil?

When consuming sunflower oil, its main benefit comes from its low levels of saturated fats and elevated levels of one something we like: polyunsaturated fatty acids. Sweet, sweet omega-3s and omega 6s! Ha! Love them!  Sunflower oil also has monounsaturated fatty acids which can help reduce heart disease.

For cosmetics, sunflower oil provides excellent moisturization. In fact, it can help repair the skin. It also will not clog pores, which is an excellent factor to anything you put on your skin or hair. In fact, sunflower oil will actually help unclog those nasty pores, friend. The application of the oil will flush the dead skin cells. Remember what the bard said, “Mo clogging. Mo Problems.”

Let’s break down the benefits of sunflower oil, brave beard-growing adventurer!

Moisturizes. Moisturizes. Moisturizes.Protects with a natural barrier – it is like armor but less bulky!Unclogs pores.It is gentle and soothes your skin.Bonus antioxidants to raise your savings throws against aging!Rich in vitamins like E, A, D, and K.Goblins hate the smell of it. (OK, that one is a rumor, old Balbo started! Ha!)Tabletop Beard has you covered! We got you!

Tabletop Beard uses sunflower oil in our premium beard care products and if you have been following our blog, you know that all our ingredients are natural and safe. In fact, we load each product with the best ingredients, so our beard oils, balms, and butters reward our beard care adventurers with the best benefits. Yes, our lists of ingredients give your skin and hair multiple layers of protection and advantages. Think of it as doubling down, but more like quadrupling down on protection, and winning the battle!

Try our new Druid-themed beard butter and beard oil. Druid captures the essence of ancient forests and wild, untamed berries. Just remember, friend, wash your face and beard well. That is always the first step in beard care to healthy skin and hair.

Trivia time!

What is the tallest recorded sunflower? Take a guess or Google it. You may be surprised!

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Balbo and the Rare Hare

a Tabletop Beard story by Kevin Breaux

Balbo’s room was located at the far end of the third floor of the Dragon’s Beard Inn. He was down a quiet corner away from the rooms sold to travelers, only adjacent to a storage room and rooms inhabited by several of his barmaids. It allotted him the privacy he needed after long days of being entertaining, merry, and overly giving. Sometimes, Balbo simply needed a break.

This was one of those nights.

Balbo staggered into his room mere hours before daybreak. He had spent way too many hours drinking ale and listening to the tales of two dwarven fighters. Although their sagas were interesting, one seemingly led to another and another, and so on. In retrospect, Balbo was unsure if they ever finished a single story. Regardless of being a long night, it was a good one.

Balbo yawned and scratched his beard, not because it itched, mind you, but out of habit and because he enjoyed how soft it felt. Today, it smelled like smoked oud and steel, the favorite scent of his fighter friends.

He shut the heavy door behind him with his heel, then shuffled in darkness to his straw bed. When he reached it, he turned around and flopped backward with a loud humph.

“Boots,” he said out loud just to remind himself to take them off.

He sat up and groaned as he stretched his arms toward his feet. His eyes fluttered, and when they reopened his hands looked no closer to his feet as they were we he first reached out.

“Getting old, Balbo. Might be time for a change.”

RATTLE. RATTLE.

He heard a sound from the cage where he had housed two rabbits that had appeared in his bar the night of the druid celebration a week ago. Evelyn said a ranger had caught them and donated them for the party’s stew, but Balbo believed with all his heart that these rabbits were actually druids in their beast shapes.

He felt silly when it turned out he was wrong, but he was unable to bring himself to eat his new friends and decided to keep the rabbits as pets.

“You all hungry?” Balbo mumbled. “I have some more carrots for you next to your cage in a sack.”

Balbo stood and fumbled around in the dark but could not find the carrots. So, he backtracked to the door where he knew a small table sat with a candlestick and some flint and tinder.

It took him a moment, but he lit the candles, which illuminated the room ever so slightly. When he turned back to the rabbit cage, which was still draped in shadow, he swore he saw something large move.

“Huh…must be more tired than I thought,” he said with a chuckle.

“Morning, Balbo.”

“What?” He spun around to face the door, then gazed over at the bed. “Who is there?”

“Over here, Balbo.”

“Where?”

“In the cage.”

Balbo crept closer toward the cage and leaned the candlestick in to fill the dark space with soft orange light.

GASP.

He recoiled back and nearly tripped over his own feet. He could not believe his eyes, sitting bent over in the cage was an elven man, who held and gently stroked one of the rabbits.

“W-what are you doing in that cage? Where is my other rabbit?” Balbo asked.

“You put me in this cage, Balbo. You have my thanks for picking such a spacious one.”

“What are you talking about, friend?”

“You were right.”

Balbo inched several steps closer and took a good look at the man. He was wearing padded leather armor that was decorated with feathers and fur. It did not take Balbo long to draw the connection to the other elven druids he had seen in the past.

“Right about what?”

“I’m a druid. I was in one of my beast shapes. I’m one of the rabbits you were talking to all night.”

“Evelyn!” he shouted. “Ha! I knew it! Old Balbo might be crazy, but he ain’t mad!”

“Not mad at all. I was in the forest outside of town when I saw this girl and I transformed to…well…you know.” The druid raised up the other rabbit and stroked its ears.

Balbo smiled and winked. He understood. “And that is when the ranger caught you both.”

“Not long after.”

“Why didn’t you transform back?”

“I’m not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with a spell or maybe someone has a trinket that dispels magic. Something was inhibiting my ability to return to shape until tonight,” the elf explained. “How long was I—”

“Eight days.”

“No wonder I feel so…”

“Hungry? Thirsty?”

“Stiff.”

“Ha!” Balbo stroked his beard. “I should probably let you out of that cage then, friend.”

“That would be nice. Thank you.”

Balbo unhooked the latch and opened the top of the cage. “Good thing I put you in my goat enclosure.”

Once the cage was open the druid stood up slowly, stretching his limbs as he moved. He rolled his neck, took a deep breath, and then hooted like an owl.

The druid placed the other rabbit down and then reached out to Balbo with both hands to shake his. “Blessings of the sun and moon to you, Balbo.”

Balbo smiled and then turned to the door. He could not wait to rub Evelyn’s nose in the truth.

“Evelyn!”

“Evelyn? Your friend that was going to cook us?”

“Yes. And I’m not sure I would call her a friend exactly.”

“Say no more,” the druid placed his palm on Balbo’s chest. “Remember, I was in this room for many nights. Many nights. Some of those nights you entertained company.”

Balbo felt a little embarrassed at first, and the longer he dwelled on it, the deeper the shame got.

“I might have to kill you,” Balbo said bluntly and then roared with laughter.

The druid appeared taken aback at first but joined him in laughter.

TAP. TAP.              

“Balbo, why are you screaming?” Evelyn called from the other side of the door as she knocked. “You can’t keep calling out to me every night. People will hear you.”

“Evelyn—”

“I’m coming in.”

“Please do.”

Evelyn entered the room with a bounce and her eyes grew wide with astonishment the moment she laid them on the druid.

“No.” She leaned her glowing candelabra toward the men and shook her head. “Is that—”

“Yes.”

“Your, teasing.”

“He is not.” The druid interrupted.

“Evelyn, I would like you to meet…” Balbo paused. “Ha! I don’t know your name, friend.”

“My name is Kreqe Kregrummen.”

Evelyn walked to the goat enclosure and looked inside. She then reached up and covered her mouth as she gasped. “You’ve been in here all week.”

“I have.”

“All day and all night,” Balbo added.

“Oh my.”

“Please, do not worry yourselves about the things I might have seen. I turned my back. Might I also remind you that I had Jewel to keep me company.”

“You named her Jewel?” Evelyn tilted her head in query as she asked.

“I did.”

Evelyn crossed the room to the men. “Nice to meet you, Krege. Sorry, I wanted to cook you.”

“And…” Balbo said with a smile.

“And what, boss?”

“And…” he repeated.

“I am sorry I did not believe you.” Evelyn huffed. “Happy?”

Balbo watched the sour look on Evelyn’s face grow worse. He presumed she would not be happy having to apologize, but he did not imagine she would look so pained. It took the fun out of it.

“What is wrong?”

Evelyn covered her nose. “Krege, you need a bath.”

“Oh. Ha. Yes,” Balbo chuckled. “I will have one of the girls draw one up for you right away.”

“No. No. No. If you both do not mind, I must get back to my responsibilities. Nature needs me.”

A thought crossed Balbo’s mind. “I have some beard oil you can use to freshen up. You may not have a beard, but you can still use it to mask the smells of that cage, ha! You’ll like it. It’s a scent for druids and smells like the forest and wild berries. Evelyn, prepare a pack for him with some water, bread, beard oil and umm….”

“Carrots?”

HA! HA! HA!

Balbo laughed deeply and his pure delight was infectious. Soon, Evelyn and Krege joined in the room filled from corner to corner with an echo of amusement.

To Be Continued...

The post Balbo and the Rare Hare appeared first on Tabletop Beard.

Bears, Bunnies, and Beards: A Barmaid’s Guide to Druid Shenanigans in RPGs

Greetings friend! How are you? I bet you weren’t expecting your favorite barmaid Evelyn here to introduce you to our celebration of druids. No? Well, here I am. Where’s Balbo? Oh, he’s right over there, at that corner table with the two white rabbits on it. He’s been over there half the morning talking to them. I swear, sometimes with Balbo…hmm.

You see, early this morning, one of our helpful ranger friends, whom we met months ago during our ranger celebration, knocked on the door with two live rabbits he caught in traps for us to make a stew tonight.

I sat those rabbits down on the table for just a brief moment, and that is when old Balbo lumbered in, half awake, and sat down and started talking to them. My guess is that he thinks they are both druids, guests for the party tonight.

Sometimes, I wonder about him. If he wasn’t so darn charming, I–

“Evelyn!”

“Yes, Balbo?”

“Our guests are hungry, could you fetch me a couple carrots and some water?”

“For the rabbits?”

“Yes, our guests here.”

You see, friend. You see what I am dealing with? Ha! I’ll get those carrots for him, and when the actual druids arrive, he will feel like a fool and Evelyn will have one more tale to tell our patrons when Balbo is grumpy about something stupid. Ha Ha! I do love stirring the pot.

Oh, ha! Yes! That rabbits are lucky to not be in a pot being stirred right now.

You are funny, friend…and handsome. What have you been doing with your beard; it looks so clean and shiny. I do like a shiny beard. What beard oil do you use? May I suggest the newest scent, one based on the druid class.

“Evelyn!”

“Yes, Balbo! Right away, Balbo!”

Druid Weapons and Armor

Druids are all about nature. And they are spellcasting shapeshifters. Do they really need a weapon when they can become one?

Just imagine a druid shifting into a giant mountain lion or a large bear—all teeth and claws. Who needs a weapon when they become a weapon?

Druids can carry weapons and they do wear armor. They just favor ones that were derived from nature. Therefore, they commonly carry simple weapons like wooden clubs, maces, javelins, quarterstaffs, spears, and slings. In some cases, druids may carry scimitars and daggers.

Their armor, as you might have guessed, is often handcrafted light or medium armor. They will wear leather, studded, padded, and hide armor but will not use armor made of metal.

The same goes with shields. But most druids will not carry a shield and keep that one hand open to cast spells.

Druid Races

Classically speaking, elves (wood elves) are a good pick and lend to the feeling of being a druid. In more contemporary rule sets, you have all sorts of other choices. Firbolg, owlin, and fairy make nice choices from the newer playable races. Some people like to pick dwarves and half-elves too.

Which is the best?

We like to say, just pick the race that speaks to you and offers a decent wisdom bonus. Veteran gamers might say otherwise and point you to a Firbolg for the bonus 2 points in wisdom and abilities that let you speak to beasts and plants. Firbolgs also have a very limited invisibility ability.  

Druid Backgrounds

Hermit and Acolyte are all good choices. However, Urban Bounty Hunter and Faction Agent are often listed as top picks, and with good reason.

Faction Agent has some nice additional skills to add to your character and Urban Bounty Hunter is highly customizable.

If you are looking at starting equipment, Bounty Hunter and Acolyte put some nice gold in your pocket and that is always helpful!

Do You Want to Play a Druid?

Who makes a good druid?

An individual who wants to play a fun spellcaster. Someone who is willing to take on the role of healer or support.

Gamers can choose how complex a druid character they want to build. They can choose a simple route and cast easy, low-level spells from afar and try and stay out of the rough and tumble combat…or they can get wild!

If you want to take on a complexly designed and managed character, that can be squishy at times, a druid might be right for you.

At level two, druids are introduced to their subclass and things get much more interesting. Yes, adventurer, you get your first beast shape!

Druid subclasses include the following:

Circle of Dreams: healing, support, and teleportation.Circle of Stars: the power of the constellations will change your capabilities.Circle of Spores: you gain the ability to take a mushroom or fungi form and to deal massive poison damage.Circle of Wildfire: this allows you to tame a wildfire spirit and have it act as an ally in combat.Circle of the Land: connects you more deeply to the natural world and ads extra spellcasting ability based on specific natural environments.Circle of the Moon: Master Wild Shape! Access to more powerful wild shapes perfect for bloody combat.Circle of the Shepherd: Useful abilities to buff and support their allies via a powerful summoner.

One thing is for certain: druids can be one of the most fun classes to play, especially when you put time into their development.

In games like World of Warcraft, druids can be healers, DPS, or tanks. Admit it, you played in more than a few raids with a good druid tank at the front of the battle. And if you played as a druid in WoW, I bet you enjoyed running the flag in cheetah form during PVP.

Versatile characters are the best, right?

Famous Druids

Who are the most famous druids? That’s probably not something you think of every day, but here are a few druids you may have heard of.

Allanon of the Shannara series by world-famous author Terry Brooks.Taliesin, a powerful druid in The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley.Halsin, of Baldur’s Gate 3. You know, the big bear guy.Merrill of Dragon Age 2 and Morrigan of Dragon Age: Origins. You’ve probably seen a Morrigan cosplay or two. Merlin the magician from Arthurian legend/mythology. (and the basis of Taliesin above)

Can you name a few more? Hit us up with your picks.

A Giant Hyena, a Giant Spider, and a Giant Badger Walk into Balbo’s Bar

Ha!

Which one is the druid? Funny joke, right? On a serious note, we hope they all are, or there will be one hell of a mess to clean up.

Druids can be all sorts of things from the black cat purring in the corner, to five point deer crossing the road. So, be careful! No one wants to hit a druid with their wagon! That would be terrible!

Druids are a cool and different class that offer all sorts of fun options to role-play, and they make great additions to any team.

And guess what? They smell great! Well, at least the ones who use Tabletop Beard’s new Druid class themed beard care products. Those druids smell like the forest and wild berries!

We suggest you consider playing as a druid right now! Go! Play already!  

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The post Bears, Bunnies, and Beards: A Barmaid’s Guide to Druid Shenanigans in RPGs appeared first on Tabletop Beard.

A Mistletoe Mix-Up: Balbo’s Bizarre Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve, while the tavern was stirring,
Old Balbo saw old Ms. Miller, and he swore she was purring.

Good evening, Lady Miller, how be you tonight?
When she suddenly leaned in for a kiss, Balbo put up his hands for a fight.

Ms. Miller, what are you doing?
You know I can’t go around kissing all my customers, the barmaids would start booing!

She looked disappointed and spit on his right leather boot,
What did I do wrong? He’d asked, but the topic was moot.

As Balbo walked away, his mind would not stop.
Until skipping across the room, he watched Evelyn flop.

Hey Balbo, I got a question for you? she asked.
What is It, Evelyn, have you completed all that I have tasked?

I did. I did. All but the mistletoe hung above the door.
I left you a note on the box of sprigs, Balbo. Did you find it on the floor?

I found it. No worries. It was done.
I hung them up, Evelyn. Every last one.

You hung them all up, Balbo? Are you sure?
You didn’t leave one on the table, maybe forgot one on the floor?

I’m positive, now let me be.
There’s a big celebration tonight, I should check if there are enough gifts under the tree.

Balbo wandered away, while listening to Evelyn giggle.
He wondered what sort of naughtiness she was up to, when she was being bad, her hips always had an extra wiggle.

When Balbo set his eyes straight, they fell on the Widow, Stevens the hag.
She always looked like a corpse and smelled just as bad.  

May I help you, Lady Stevens? He asked. Is there something you need?
Pucker up, Balbo, on your lips I must feed!

Balbo staggered back with fright.
What the hell is wrong with this crazy night?

He looked about the tavern, then met Evelyn’s eyes.
When he saw the size of her smile, he let out some sighs.

Evelyn! He bellowed like a roaring mountain lion.
As she approached, she was laughing so hard she was practically cryin’.

What is going on here? He asked. You seem to know!
Balbo, sometimes it shocks me, Evelyn giggled. You’re as dull as a giant’s toe.

Evelyn stepped up to Balbo and gave him a long kiss.
What’s that for? What is this?

While staring deep in his eye, Evelyn reached out and touched his face.
She’s never stroked my beard before, I hope there is no haste.

Her fingers twisted and turned and then suddenly popped out with a fresh mistletoe spring.
Balbo, you’ve been wearing mistletoe in your beard like mud on a pig.

Well, Balbo groaned, no wonder the ladies were all chasing me for a kiss,
Evelyn laughed. You dodged a few, tonight, Balbo, but my kiss did not miss.

The post A Mistletoe Mix-Up: Balbo’s Bizarre Christmas Eve appeared first on Tabletop Beard.

The 5 Santas with the Best Beards

Ho there, Christmas questers!

We at Tabletop Beard were just thinking about holiday films. Let’s be honest, a lot of times we see Santa in the movies, his beard is large, stark white, and very fake looking.

This could be for a lot of reasons. For example, maybe the actor who stepped in to represent the jolly St. Nick could not grow an actual beard. Or maybe they just did not try.

We are looking at you, Billy Bob Thorton. Your movie BAD SANTA (although funny) had a bad Santa beard. And Billy Bob did not even try to keep that fake beard on. We’re afraid it, along with other things, totally broke the illusion of him being Santa…lol.

However, there are actors who have truly invested themselves into the role of Santa and either grew a nice beard or managed to find a fake one that looked real enough. Let’s not spoil the truth about Santa’s beard and just assume the ones on this list were real.

ELF – Ed Asner

It’s hard to avoid the hit movie Elf during the holiday season. Will Ferrel really knocked this one out of the park back in 2003 and every year it is a staple for many families who build “must watch” Christmas movie lists.

But what about Santa? Can you clearly picture who played him? Here is a hint. It was a famous actor and he looked very much the part of the role.

Ed Asner played Santa in Elf and his beard looked great. In many ways it looked real, as far as those stark white ones go. You could almost see the lines the comb made in it. Which makes us happy that Santa knows the importance of grooming his beard.

That being said, Ed Asner’s beard looked like it could have used a little beard balm to keep it under better control. We have what you need here, Santa.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – James Cosmo

So many of us grew up reading the Narnia books. So, when the movies were made, we all jumped on board.

For this young reader, one of the things that stood out in the movie was when James Cosmo, someone you might remember from Highlander or Braveheart, appeared as Father Christmas.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe was released in 2005 and James Cosmo was 57 at the time, granted he looked like he was 77 with his long straggly light grey hair and beard.

His beard looked real because it appeared dry and brittle. The winter weather has a way of drying out facial hair, so wouldn’t it be nice if someone gave him a gift of beard oil?

Which scent do you think he would like? We have a few he might like, maybe some Winter Solstice?

The Christmas Chronicles – Kurt Russell

When not driving the Pork Chop Express, or crashing cars as Stuntman Mike, Kurt Russell is steering Santa’s sleigh and rocking a killer beard.

In 2018, The Christmas Chronicles was released and to everyone’s surprise, Kurt made an amazing-looking Santa. And guess what, that beard was at least 80% real!

Yep, Kurt grew most of it himself! And we bet he used all the best beard care products on it, because it looks pretty healthy.

What did you think of his portrayal of Santa? Better yet, what did you think of his killer beard? Any guesses which scent Kurt Russell would choose? We say, Rogue.

Miracle on 34th Street – Richard Attenborough

This is the 1994 version, not the original one. Yes, there was one made way back in 1947! Crazy right! And it’s a classic. Check it out sometime.

In the 1994 version of Miracle on 34th Street, we are rewarded with the loveable Richard Attenborough (yes, the Jurassic Park guy) playing the role of Kris Kringle and wow, he looks great!

In fact, I am going to believe that his beard is 100% real.

Not only that, I bet Sir Richard Attenborough brushed his beautiful Santa beard several times a day to get it to wrap around his face like that. If you would like to know what tools to use when grooming your beard, we have a perfect article for you to check out here.

Ernest Saves Christmas – Douglas Seale

We saved the best for last. A true classic. Just kidding!

Although Ernest Saves Christmas is a cult classic, this 1988 movie is unceremoniously left off most people’s holiday movie watchlists. Which is sad, because Ernest Saves Christmas is one of the higher rated movies of the ten Ernest movies he made.

Okay…okay…that’s not saying much. Sorry, Ernest, we tried. We still loved you in Ernest Scared Stupid.

One thing Ernest Saves Christmas does right is cast Douglas Seale as Santa with bad memory loss. Seale was a British classical actor/producer/director who popped up in a lot of things back in the day.

But in this movie, he played a believable Santa with a realistic beard. Not one of those giant white as snow things. Nope, he wore a beard that any man his age could have been wearing. And if properly cared for that beard would glisten and sparkle like diamonds under the light of a Christmas tree.

We applaud you for wearing a beard that looked so nice, Douglas.

Honorable Mention – Violent Night – David Harbour

David is well known for his role in Stranger Things. We’ve seen him grow a beard on that show, as well as wear one in the Black Widow Marvel movie.

So, could this Santa beard be real? Like really-real? Let’s pretend it is.

In Stranger Things, he grew a beard during captivity, and we guess the gulag did not have lots of premium beard care products for him to use. Of course, if you had the address of that Russian prison, we send a few sampler packs there to help the other prisoners take better care of their facial hair. It’s the least we can do.

It appears David grew a beard and just kept it from one acting gig to another. There are lots of promotional photos of him with it.

Granted he spent his share of nights on popular late-night shows and red carpets, but let’s be honest, sometimes David looked a little unkempt.

There is no reason to look so disheveled David, all you need is to read up on some simple and easy-to-apply beard care tips and tricks.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

No matter if you are Santa or one of his hard-working elves, you can look your best by adding simple beard care into your daily routine.

It starts with keeping your beard clean, and then hydrating it with some beard oil or beard butter. Lastly, style it. Make it look nice. Apply some beard balm to tame those flyaways before taking that romantic sleigh ride across the night sky with Ms. Santa.

Hey, she knows when you are bad or good too. Just saying…

The post The 5 Santas with the Best Beards appeared first on Tabletop Beard.

Resident Bard – That’s me!

Hi all, I have not been blogging here because I’m busying writing for multiple other sites, blogs, and people.

Today, I would like to feature the blog/site/company I’m most proud of. It’s a new small business called Tabletop Beard. I’m the Resident Bard there. I have been creating content and writing the blog articles there for 6+ months now. Wow, it’s been tons of fun!

Tabletop Beard is a beard care company featuring fantasy-themed, premium, all-natural, homemade products like beard oils, butters, and balms. In fact, more products are on their way! The best part about this company is the owners. Three brothers with lots of great ideas and excellent business sense. These guys truly care about their customers!

I’m very lucky to be involved with this venture. Not only is it exciting, but it allows me to exercise my passions. I love fantasy themes. I love tabletop and roleplaying games. I also love being a valued part of an amazing team and community.

So, check out Tabletopbeard.com to see all the new content I have been creating.

FYI – I have been using Tabletop Beard’s beard oils for several months and I must say, THEY ARE AMAZING! I not only use them for my beard, but as a cologne. I recommend the Bard, Warlock, Barbarian, and Cleric scents. You can order here: https://tabletopbeard.com/product-category/beard-care/

Thanks all!

Kevin James Breaux

Write Makes Might!

I’ve been writing…for another blog! *gasp*

Hi all,

I have not forgotten my blog. I just. Well… I started writing articles for other people. Yes, I am down with other people’s blogs (OPB).

If you would like to read what I have been writing, please visit 90sanime.com. I have written a bunch of articles about anime and video games inspired by anime there. It has been a ton of fun. But realistically, it has had great meaning to me.

My best friend, Chris Straup, passed a few years ago. He was my hero. When we were in high school, back in the 90s, we both got into anime. He did a much deeper dive into it than I did. But through the years, he and I kept watching and occasionally talking about the shows and movies we enjoyed. Anime was one of his passions.

I feel like I am honoring him by writing about 90s anime now. And that is really meaningful to me.

I am also ghostwriting for an anime/game website. And will be ghostwriting articles for a start-up company soon. I wish I could tell you which ones. Maybe if you message me on social media, I might give you a hint.

Remember to follow my social media for updates. @author_kjb on twitter and instagram and @castlebroskull also on twitter and instagram.

Write Makes Might!

Kevin James Breaux

www.kevinbreaux.com

The “I don’t want to buy something I already own” Blues

This is an old article I wrote back in 2014. I feel it’s worth reposting.

One of my biggest fears is having to re-buy all my DVD’s in another “New Gen” form of media. It’s a nightmarish notion I refer to as the “Mediapocalypse!”

Remember when we all had cassette tapes? I had maybe thirty tapes in my collection, and I really drug my feet over to CDs.  I think I had to re-buy maybe fifteen of my albums again. Even at the young age of 18-19 years old, I felt a very clear sense of wrongness in that act. Dude, I paid $8 for that Metallica Master of Puppets tape and now I got to pay another $12 for the CD! That’s bullshit!

Oh, but I have done much worse since…

Back in the early and mid 90’s, there was a monthly comic book convention that I attended in King of Prussia, PA. I almost always drove up with my friends, Chris and Sean. (And we almost always forgot Bob.) (That’s a story for another time.) We mostly went to meet comic book artists and hold rounds of witty banter with them while getting sketches done, but Chris and I were also into Japanese Animation.

This little comic convention, held in the basement of a Holiday Inn, was perfect for just that. They always had a bunch of different vendors blaring clips from movies, so it was easy to get an idea of what you might like by just standing near a vendor’s table for five minutes.

One day, I bought something like seven VHS tapes. All of a fantasy anime called The Record of Lodoss War. They were bad copies, and get this, they were subtitled by fans. “FOR FANS BY FANS” – the title screen would say. What that meant was: missing words, wrong words, and different names for different characters. It was a year before I knew the main character’s name was Parn, not Pern or Pan. I mean I kinda thought it was Parn… from the Japanese men and women screaming it… but when you have read Pern enough on screen, yeah, it sinks in.

Anyway, for as bad as these copies were, my friends and I loved them and watched them a bunch of times.  Six months or so later, I was at the convention again and guess what? These two guys who we bought most of your videos from had NEW copies that were crystal-clear but had no subtitles and no dubbing. Pure Japanese language! Yep, I bought them all. Now we could at least watch this awesome epic fantasy series in good quality.

You might think that was enough, right? Nope, some years later, I saw that The Record of Lodoss War was being released in America and it had real official subtitles! Score! I ordered it, of course. Now I had three full versions of the show.

I would love to say that is the end of this tale, but it’s not. A couple years passed, and one day I was looking in a catalogue and wouldn’t you know, a The Record of Lodoss War box set…and…wait for it….wait for it….DUBBED!!! OMG! Dubbed? Really?  So, I ordered that bad boy post-haste.  Now, my friends and I could watch it all in crystal-clear VHS quality and hear the lines spoke in English. No more bad subtitles for us! And holy crap the main character’s name was Parn! Confirmed!

VHS Set

So, here is where I get my sick fear of another change in media. Maybe like eight-nine years ago, and seventeen-eighteen years after my first purchase of the series, I found a DVD set of The Record of Lodoss War on Amazon.com and of course, I ordered it.

Recap!

—bad quality version with homemade subtitles on VHS.  Check!

—good quality version with no subtitles, pure Japanese on VHS.  Check!

—official version with subtitles on VHS.  Check!

—official version with dubbing on VHS (box set).  Check!

—good quality version with English dubbing on DVD.  Check!

Yes, I have owned five versions of the Lodoss War. I only own the DVD set now. Okay-okay, I guess at one point I had like 30-35 VHS tapes of the show.

DVD Set

Can you blame me for fearing a future media change? Not counting my forty or more box sets of shows like Buffy, Angel, Rome, True Blood, Spartacus, and all the GI JOES… I must have like 200+ DVDs.  And I, for damn sure, don’t want to buy them all…all over again. Hell no!  Do you know what a season of Star Trek on DVD used to cost??? Seriously, the thought of having to do that makes my skin all red and splotchy… I think I might be getting some sort of weird, “I don’t want to purchase something I already own” hive. 

Wait… Is that a Blu-Ray copy of The Avengers?

*sigh*

2022 Update – YES, I bought Lodoss War in streaming format. Like you even needed to ask!

Kevin James Breaux

www.kevinbreaux.com