L.T. Vargus's Blog, page 9

Things I Do Not “Get”

Weddings. You know how people say, “Every woman has been dreaming of her wedding day since she was a little girl!”? Not me. I’ve literally never once fantasized about a wedding or a white dress or a ring or any of that stuff. (Actually, someone I know has cornered Tim more than once and told him that he “needs” to ask me to marry him because they “know” it’s what I want. Never has this person ever asked me if that’s what I want. Spoiler alert: It’s not! So please fuck off with that nonsense.) Which leads me to…
Diamonds. Really any expensive jewelry for that matter. I’m allergic to most metals, so I can’t/don’t really wear jewelry anyway. Maybe that’s part of it. Why covet something that’s just going to give me a raging case of contact dermatitis? But it’s almost like when I was created, they were like, “Alrighty… Little sugar, little spice, little everyth- ah shit. We’re out of ‘Everything Nice.’ Hm. Just throw in some beef jerky, I guess.” I do like sparkles, though. Nothing makes me happier than one of those super tacky Grandma sweaters that’s just decked out in sequins.
Drivers that speed past you just to get to an intersection where the light is already red. Maybe they think it’s a race? Congrats, buddy! You won! Your prize is a pair of gilded TruckNutz!
Carpet. It would be pretty gross if you had a rug in your house that you never really washed because it was bolted to the floor, right? Except that is exactly what carpet is! This goes double for carpet in bathrooms. No, no, and no.
People that bag their dog’s poop, but then leave the poop bag on the trail. I’m all for picking up after your mutt — after all, people that let their dogs deuce right on the trail and don’t pick it up are going to a special Hell where they spend eternity balls-deep in dogshit — but after you bag it, you’re supposed to THROW IT AWAY, JANICE. That’s why there are garbage cans strategically placed along the trail, in case you were wondering. Instead you’ve created a sort of excrement time-capsule. Wait, wait. A time CRAPsule. (ZING!) In a thousand years, that bag will still be there, and so will the Pomeranian feces you’ve sealed inside.

Giblet-Related Inventions

First, I feel like I should open up with some kind of explanation as to why I’ve suddenly decided to dust off Ye Olde Blogge, which has sat in a state of disuse and decrepitude. But the best explanation I can come up with is: “Because I felt like it.” So there.

Also, one of the reasons I haven’t blogged much is that when I think about writing something here, I always feels this immense pressure to have something important or highly entertaining to share. So today is an exercise in trivial mundanity. Behold the awesome pointlessness!

The other day I came up with a product idea that I was so thoroughly genius, I can’t believe it isn’t already a Thing. I actually searched it on Amazon fully thinking I’d have ten options to choose from. But no. No dice.

I call it Just Gravy. And I know what you’re thinking: But you can already buy gravy. You can buy gravy in packets and gravy in jars. 

Let me finish! It’s called Just Gravy… For Cats.

See, I have three monster cats, and they love nothing more than to lick the gravy off their canned food. I can’t buy the stuff that has little chunks in gravy, because the fat shits just slurp up the gravy and leave behind the chunks, which is probably where all of the nutrition is in the first place. I have to get the so-called “pâté,” and these furry dinguses still often find a way to extract as much gravy while eating as little of the “solids” as possible. It got me thinking: why not buy just the gravy? The beasts get extra gravy, I throw out less half-eaten food, and everybody’s happy.

So are you there, Purina? It’s me, Lex, and I’ve got a million-dollar idea for you. You can have it in exchange for a lifetime supply of the stuff.

Giveaway Winners

The winners for this round of paperback giveaways are: T More, Lisa F, C Runner, Betty Jo H, August B, healergirl, V Davis, Don T, VampyreLady, and R Dietman. Congrats!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

And in this case, the chicken dinner comes in the form of books!

The winner of the signed, limited edition hardcover of The Scattered and the Dead (Book 1) is Jennifer T!

And the four winners of the signed paperbacks of The Scattered and the Dead (Book 0.5) are Eva W., Dana F., Rick T., and Jenny F.!

If you’re sitting over there like, “Hey, how do I win free books?” then you, my friend, need to sign up for our mailing list! You’re really missing out.

It’s a Halloween miracle!

We couldn’t let Halloween come and go without delivering the horror goods, so we’ve done it. We’ve written the horror nastiness that might just make Halloween 2016 a night to dismember. Let me tell you a little about our new novel, The Clowns.

This book is our love letter to the very direct horror of the 70’s and 80’s, the kind that wore its heart (and lungs and intestines) on its sleeve.

Some books play coy with their horror elements. This book leaps straight for the goddamn jugular. Every October, I binge like crazy on this kind of stuff, books and movies alike. Hopefully you do, too.

We’ve wanted to write one like this for a long time, but a weird thing happened on the way to the meatgrinder. We outdid ourselves. I really love the characters in this book, and I think they give the novel great depth. It’s horror featuring people worth caring about, and I’m so excited to unleash it upon the world.

I know what you’re thinking: Finally, an old school, creepy clown novel for the rest of us! Indeed.

AMAZON US – AMAZON UK – AMAZON CA – AMAZON AU

As usual, it’s $0.99 for a limited time, so grab it quick!

Make Halloween great again!

This should be the most fun week of the year. We should all be neck deep in gore, our heads full of ghosts, our hearts pounding from the adrenaline. When I was a kid, everyone was obsessed with horror. It was awesome. Children gathered on playgrounds to hear second and third hand retellings of slasher ...
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In case you missed it…

For a limited time (like ending tonight at 11:59 PM), you can get my newest book – The Scattered and the Dead (Book 1) – for $0.99.

AMAZON US – AMAZON UK – AMAZON CA

PLUS I’ll send you 3 more books for free (including the prelude to this series, The Scattered and the Dead (Book 0.5)) AND you’ll be entered in a giveaway for a chance to win a signed paperback or limited edition hardcover of Book 1. How can you pass a screamin’ deal like that up? You can’t. You just can’t, man!

Details for the special bonuses can be found here.

The post-apocalypse with the most apocalypse

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just REALLY happy about my new book launching?

WARNING: May contain plague, riots, zombies, etc.

Book 0.5 is the prelude of the epic post-apocalyptic series – Book 1 (which will be released in March 2016) is a 700 page behemoth.
Available now on AMAZON US and AMAZON UK in ebook, paperback, and audiobook format!

Today’s life lesson

or Why It Is Important to Tie the Dog Poop Bag Closed

Because sometimes your clumsy ass does a graceful little snowbunny leap, and you biff the landing, and your foot goes a-sliding, and said poop bag swings upward like a pendulum, totally upending itself, and it is only by the grace of centrifugal force that dog shit does not rain down upon your head.

Today’s Useless Fact About LT

I was tall for my age as a kid. The kind of tall where every adult asks if you’re going to play basketball.

People also generally assumed I was 2 years older than I was. I could ride all the scary rollercoasters when I was six.

But Mother Nature is a cruel mistress. She can giveth & she can taketh away. Puberty came early for young LT. I stopped growing at 12 or 13. I wound up a completely average 5’6″, no complaints about that. My gripe is that I have GIANT HANDS. Huge, manly things with long fingers.

My hands are about the same size as @RealTimMcBain, and he is nearly a foot taller than me.

So if you need someone to open that sticky jar of pickles, I’m your gal.