Allison Hawn's Blog, page 13
August 11, 2013
Rock On, Politely
Hello all you lovely, wonderful people! (Unless you are the person who recently parked your giant SUV (with the spinning hubcaps) in such a way that it took up six parking spots in a parking lot that had a total of six spots, then you are scum. Talented scum, but scum.)
Anyways, I hope all of you have had more fantastic weekend than the thought of a thousand neon painted guinea pigs tap dancing to "The Brandenburg Concerto."
My week was full of delusional people asking me to help them find jobs ("No, I'm sorry, but I don't find toads jobs."), random drivers who assumed the sidewalk, where I was walking, was actually a third lane and one random shirtless gentleman, who held aloft his mighty spoon and announced that, "Cowards will not prevail!"
So in less insane news, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus has gotten another awesome review!
John Hartnett writes, "...Ms. Hawn's endearing personality shines through much of her work. Often self deprecating, she is not one to put herself up on a pedestal to look down at the rest of the world. In many of her pieces, she's right there clamoring and stumbling along with the rest of us and writing from that vantage point is where Ms.Hawn excels..." (Full review here.)
So this weekend I was here:
In case you can't read the banner behind the bedraggled looking singer, I saw Saliva in concert, which was awesome!
It was like going back to middle school (which is about when they popped up on the musical horizon for me), but without all the acne, awkward body changes and overall awfulness that middle school brought.
I am a concert junky. I have seen over 100 bands in concert, everyone from Heart, to M.C. Hammer to Megadeth to Weird Al Yankovic (three times on that one, actually).
There is something more than magical about a well done live performance. It's everything from the energy of the crowd, to feeling the beat of the music resonate on your spine and in your ribcage that gives one a moment in time where they can forget almost entirely about oneself and just immerse oneself in a world of music.
Now, out of the 100 or so concerts I have been to (I honestly stopped counting after my 80th one back in 10th grade), quite a few of them have been rock concerts.
As I stood, not terribly far from the stage this past Friday, I looked around and saw many brand new concert babies.
Concert babies are not hard to pick out. They are the ones who have so obviously never been to a rock concert that you can almost smell fresh meat and innocence in an aura around them.
There were so many of them at this concert that I barely could take a step without trampling on one of their ill-advised, flip-flop clad feet. As it appears that we have yet another generation of rockers joining the ranks, I have decided that it might be time to post the unspoken rules of rock concerts; "Mosh-pit Etiquette" if you will.
So for those new to concerts, or those long time veterans who have somehow managed to miss the memo, here's a few things to keep in mind.
1. Wear appropriate clothing. Rock concerts are not places for your finest evening gown, a great place to wear just a bikini top or anything else that can be easily ruined or ripped off. One thing that I would like to specifically iterate; if you are going to be down on the floor anywhere near where a mosh-pit could break out (so anywhere on the floor, really) wear actual shoes. Not flip-flops, not heels, not loafers, SHOES!
Why? Because there are going to be at least 5 or 6 guys per concert who are built like this:
Do you want that landing on your unprotected feet? No? Then wear actual shoes.
2. You will get sweaty. Not all of the sweat will be your own. Come to peace with this fact and deal with it. You can shower later.
3. For those well-seasoned concert goers (and I'm not talking about concert goers covered in thyme and a thick marinade), watch out for the little ones. You were 13, wide-eyed and dumber than a brick once upon a time too. Yes, they are annoying, but as more experienced concert goers, it does fall to us to make sure that these little ones survive this concert to have their eardrums blasted again another day.
4. In the mosh-pit, if someone falls pick them up! Yes, if you jump into a mosh-pit you can pretty much assume that some form of bodily harm is coming your way. However, smashing someone's face into the floor just because they can't get up in time is not part of the deal. Don't be a twit, just help them up.
5. That being said, if you decide to foray into a mosh-pit, no whining due to your bruises, scratches and/or giant footprints left in your stomach later. You cannot poke a velociraptor with a stick, then whine when it rips your arm off.
6. Never drag someone into a mosh-pit or throw them up to be crowd surfed if they don't want to! I cannot count the amount of absolutely terrified faces I have seen in, and subsequently had to drag out of, mosh-pits. Seriously, if your friend says they don't want to go, save others the trouble of having to "save" your completely unprepared companion from your need to be a jerk. Let your friend enjoy the music and the experience.
7. Don't try to smoke a bowl in the middle of a concert. Guess what, the bouncers are all super tall, and can see when you light up. Plus, good luck trying to deny that it was you who who caused the entire area to smell skunked when you look like this:
That, and I really don't need to be lit on fire again when someone bumps into you as you're trying to smoke in the center of a quickly moving crowd.
8. Rock concerts are not for people who are claustrophobic or who don't like being touched. You will touch lots and lots of people and they will be touching you. Some of it is unintentional, some of it is intentional. If it's intentional and inappropriate, elbow them in the ribs "accidentally" and move on.
9. It's not going to be fun if you don't jump in. Give it some energy. If your calves aren't sore from jumping up and down the next morning and you don't sound like you've been smoking for 70 years because you yelled so much last night, then something is very wrong. If you don't buy into the energy coursing through the room, then you aren't getting the full experience. If it helps, think of it as a form of exercise (because I promise it is one of the best cardio workouts of your life).
It's not hard to both have an awesome time at a concert and not be a complete twit too. Just keep in mind these little understood guidelines that basically break down to the same Golden Rule; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and maybe that giant, tattooed behemoth to your left won't decide to use you as a toothpick.
Did I miss anything important to add to that list? If so, let me know!
As always feel free to follow my raucous exploits on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads.
Anyways, I hope all of you have had more fantastic weekend than the thought of a thousand neon painted guinea pigs tap dancing to "The Brandenburg Concerto."
My week was full of delusional people asking me to help them find jobs ("No, I'm sorry, but I don't find toads jobs."), random drivers who assumed the sidewalk, where I was walking, was actually a third lane and one random shirtless gentleman, who held aloft his mighty spoon and announced that, "Cowards will not prevail!"
So in less insane news, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus has gotten another awesome review!
John Hartnett writes, "...Ms. Hawn's endearing personality shines through much of her work. Often self deprecating, she is not one to put herself up on a pedestal to look down at the rest of the world. In many of her pieces, she's right there clamoring and stumbling along with the rest of us and writing from that vantage point is where Ms.Hawn excels..." (Full review here.)
So this weekend I was here:
In case you can't read the banner behind the bedraggled looking singer, I saw Saliva in concert, which was awesome!
It was like going back to middle school (which is about when they popped up on the musical horizon for me), but without all the acne, awkward body changes and overall awfulness that middle school brought.
I am a concert junky. I have seen over 100 bands in concert, everyone from Heart, to M.C. Hammer to Megadeth to Weird Al Yankovic (three times on that one, actually).
There is something more than magical about a well done live performance. It's everything from the energy of the crowd, to feeling the beat of the music resonate on your spine and in your ribcage that gives one a moment in time where they can forget almost entirely about oneself and just immerse oneself in a world of music.
Now, out of the 100 or so concerts I have been to (I honestly stopped counting after my 80th one back in 10th grade), quite a few of them have been rock concerts.
As I stood, not terribly far from the stage this past Friday, I looked around and saw many brand new concert babies.
Concert babies are not hard to pick out. They are the ones who have so obviously never been to a rock concert that you can almost smell fresh meat and innocence in an aura around them.
There were so many of them at this concert that I barely could take a step without trampling on one of their ill-advised, flip-flop clad feet. As it appears that we have yet another generation of rockers joining the ranks, I have decided that it might be time to post the unspoken rules of rock concerts; "Mosh-pit Etiquette" if you will.
So for those new to concerts, or those long time veterans who have somehow managed to miss the memo, here's a few things to keep in mind.
1. Wear appropriate clothing. Rock concerts are not places for your finest evening gown, a great place to wear just a bikini top or anything else that can be easily ruined or ripped off. One thing that I would like to specifically iterate; if you are going to be down on the floor anywhere near where a mosh-pit could break out (so anywhere on the floor, really) wear actual shoes. Not flip-flops, not heels, not loafers, SHOES!
Why? Because there are going to be at least 5 or 6 guys per concert who are built like this:
Do you want that landing on your unprotected feet? No? Then wear actual shoes.
2. You will get sweaty. Not all of the sweat will be your own. Come to peace with this fact and deal with it. You can shower later.
3. For those well-seasoned concert goers (and I'm not talking about concert goers covered in thyme and a thick marinade), watch out for the little ones. You were 13, wide-eyed and dumber than a brick once upon a time too. Yes, they are annoying, but as more experienced concert goers, it does fall to us to make sure that these little ones survive this concert to have their eardrums blasted again another day.
4. In the mosh-pit, if someone falls pick them up! Yes, if you jump into a mosh-pit you can pretty much assume that some form of bodily harm is coming your way. However, smashing someone's face into the floor just because they can't get up in time is not part of the deal. Don't be a twit, just help them up.
5. That being said, if you decide to foray into a mosh-pit, no whining due to your bruises, scratches and/or giant footprints left in your stomach later. You cannot poke a velociraptor with a stick, then whine when it rips your arm off.
6. Never drag someone into a mosh-pit or throw them up to be crowd surfed if they don't want to! I cannot count the amount of absolutely terrified faces I have seen in, and subsequently had to drag out of, mosh-pits. Seriously, if your friend says they don't want to go, save others the trouble of having to "save" your completely unprepared companion from your need to be a jerk. Let your friend enjoy the music and the experience.
7. Don't try to smoke a bowl in the middle of a concert. Guess what, the bouncers are all super tall, and can see when you light up. Plus, good luck trying to deny that it was you who who caused the entire area to smell skunked when you look like this:
That, and I really don't need to be lit on fire again when someone bumps into you as you're trying to smoke in the center of a quickly moving crowd.8. Rock concerts are not for people who are claustrophobic or who don't like being touched. You will touch lots and lots of people and they will be touching you. Some of it is unintentional, some of it is intentional. If it's intentional and inappropriate, elbow them in the ribs "accidentally" and move on.
9. It's not going to be fun if you don't jump in. Give it some energy. If your calves aren't sore from jumping up and down the next morning and you don't sound like you've been smoking for 70 years because you yelled so much last night, then something is very wrong. If you don't buy into the energy coursing through the room, then you aren't getting the full experience. If it helps, think of it as a form of exercise (because I promise it is one of the best cardio workouts of your life).
It's not hard to both have an awesome time at a concert and not be a complete twit too. Just keep in mind these little understood guidelines that basically break down to the same Golden Rule; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and maybe that giant, tattooed behemoth to your left won't decide to use you as a toothpick.
Did I miss anything important to add to that list? If so, let me know!
As always feel free to follow my raucous exploits on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads.
August 5, 2013
We Have a Winner! (And a Very Sore Writer)
Hello all of you who have managed to crawl through the workday to survive Monday thus far!
Well, first off, we have a winner to the the contest to win a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and have his or her writing featured in my next book!
There were a plethora of fantastic entries, but Diane Snyder's completion of "Going through airport security is like..." with "...trying to shave a grizzly bear's legs and then put her in a dress. Most of it is a waste of time, and the rest is a major hassle!" wins! Excellent job Diane!
If you did not win this time around don't despair, I promise there will be more contests soon!
So I apologize for the lateness of this blog post, but there's a very good reason for my tardiness. This weekend I was doing this:
And this:
And this:
If you can't figure out what I was doing (despite all the people, including myself, in kilts), I competed at the Spokane Highland Games this weekend.
Basically, I spent around 9 hours hefting, throwing and glaring at various heavy objects when they didn't go where I wanted them to go.
The Highland Games, for those who don't know, are comprised of several different events, such as weight for distance (first picture), weight for height, putting of the stone (third picture), hammer throw (second picture), the caber toss (which is when you see people in kilts running and throwing giant logs) and dodging flying projectiles.
So that last one is not an official event, but it is something one sometimes has to do if they don't wish to be killed by flying heavy implements.
It's kind of like a track and field meet, if track and field meets had you compete in every event offered, included people in kilts and were backed by bagpipe music all day long (I was hearing bagpipes for hours after I left). So it's a track and field meet with the intensity turned up about 93 notches.
It also provided me with a group of unique experiences that could only happen at a highland games competition.
For instance, it is not really a daily occurrence to have your kilt get caught on a chair as you're trying to stand up. Nor is it normal to high five someone and have your hands become grafted together because you forgot they were covered in tacky (a very sticky substance used to help with the caber toss). And while losing your car in a parking lot is common enough, losing it while carrying a log is less so.
Truthfully, it was a fantastic experience, and now that I have a glimmer of an idea of what I'm doing, I will most certainly be training for next year's competition.
If anyone is in the Spokane area and wants to try it out, I would certainly encourage you to go to the Spokane Highland Games' website! Also, if you're interested but don't happen to have the joy of living in Spokompton, then I might suggest looking into the Scottish American Athletic Association for the games held closest to you.
Well, I had better go attempt to put my back into the correct alignment. Remember, you can always follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter, and Goodreads!
Well, first off, we have a winner to the the contest to win a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and have his or her writing featured in my next book!
There were a plethora of fantastic entries, but Diane Snyder's completion of "Going through airport security is like..." with "...trying to shave a grizzly bear's legs and then put her in a dress. Most of it is a waste of time, and the rest is a major hassle!" wins! Excellent job Diane!
If you did not win this time around don't despair, I promise there will be more contests soon!
So I apologize for the lateness of this blog post, but there's a very good reason for my tardiness. This weekend I was doing this:
And this:
And this:
If you can't figure out what I was doing (despite all the people, including myself, in kilts), I competed at the Spokane Highland Games this weekend.
Basically, I spent around 9 hours hefting, throwing and glaring at various heavy objects when they didn't go where I wanted them to go.
The Highland Games, for those who don't know, are comprised of several different events, such as weight for distance (first picture), weight for height, putting of the stone (third picture), hammer throw (second picture), the caber toss (which is when you see people in kilts running and throwing giant logs) and dodging flying projectiles.
So that last one is not an official event, but it is something one sometimes has to do if they don't wish to be killed by flying heavy implements.
It's kind of like a track and field meet, if track and field meets had you compete in every event offered, included people in kilts and were backed by bagpipe music all day long (I was hearing bagpipes for hours after I left). So it's a track and field meet with the intensity turned up about 93 notches.
It also provided me with a group of unique experiences that could only happen at a highland games competition.
For instance, it is not really a daily occurrence to have your kilt get caught on a chair as you're trying to stand up. Nor is it normal to high five someone and have your hands become grafted together because you forgot they were covered in tacky (a very sticky substance used to help with the caber toss). And while losing your car in a parking lot is common enough, losing it while carrying a log is less so.
Truthfully, it was a fantastic experience, and now that I have a glimmer of an idea of what I'm doing, I will most certainly be training for next year's competition.
If anyone is in the Spokane area and wants to try it out, I would certainly encourage you to go to the Spokane Highland Games' website! Also, if you're interested but don't happen to have the joy of living in Spokompton, then I might suggest looking into the Scottish American Athletic Association for the games held closest to you.
Well, I had better go attempt to put my back into the correct alignment. Remember, you can always follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter, and Goodreads!
July 27, 2013
Daaaarling!
Well good afternoon ladies and gentlemen (unless you live on the other side of the planet, then I'm terribly sorry for waking you up)!!!
First off, the contest to win a signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus and get your own writing a spot in my next book is still going on!
All you have to do to enter is complete the sentence, "Going through airport security is like..." in either the comments below or on my Facebook page! I've gotten some awesome entries so far, but would love to see what ya'll can come up with.
Well this has been another lovely week of crazy following me wherever I go.
It all started out on Monday when I had to call the government tech support for a program I have to use for my state reporting at work.
What I was expecting was some bored sounding tech support person who was going to ask me a dozen times if the reason the program wasn't working was because I had forgotten to turn my computer on.
Instead what I got was a very gruff female voice that said, "Ya, what'd'ya want!"
If I had to guess, the woman on the other end of the line was raised in New Jersey, had been smoking since birth and probably belonged to a bowling league called something like "The Skull Crushers." Pretty much, if I had to guess at what she looked like in person, this is what I would imagine:
I explained the issue the program was giving me and I heard some keys tapping on the other end of the phone line followed suddenly by, "Alright toots, so the program is completely FUBAR-ed (if you don't know what that means, go ask a Marine) on our end. Give us the afternoon and I'm sure Jerry can fix it. Hey Jerry, put down that ping-pong paddle, we got a program on the fritz! Alright sweetheart, give us a few hours and we'll get it back up and running."
And with that she hung up the phone. Apparently her threats to Jerry worked as a few hours later I was able to file my state reports. I have never before been called "toots" by tech support, that was definitely a new one.
This wasn't the strangest event of my week, though. I was out and about in downtown Spokane when I was approached by one of the scariest transvestites I have ever seen.
Now when I say "scary" I don't mean wielding a pickaxe and chasing after a man on a motorcycle type of scary transvestite like Dr. Frank N Furter.
No, I mean her wig was on practically sideways, she was wearing olive green shiny tights that were testing the very laws of physics as they tried to contain everything and it looked like she had applied make-up by trowel, trial and error in the dark that morning.
I could smell waves upon waves of rum as she approached me. She teetered on her heels as she glanced down at me and said, "Daaaarling."
From experience, let me tell you, when a drag queen starts out with, "Daaaaaarling," it's never good.
She nearly fell over with her first word, but righted herself and managed to slur out, "Girl, your hair just does not look right. That is the worst dye job I have ever seen! Get that fixed!"
Then she teetered off down the street.
I wasn't really sure how to break this to her, but my hair isn't dyed. In fact, I haven't dyed my hair since college. Apparently though, I need to go get that fixed.
Add in the lady who told me that in a past life she was a dark elf fighting hobbits and the small child who attempted to color on the walls in my office, and it was an interesting week to be sure.
Did anyone else have bizarre happenings this week? As always I would love to hear about them!
Remember you can follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
First off, the contest to win a signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus and get your own writing a spot in my next book is still going on!
All you have to do to enter is complete the sentence, "Going through airport security is like..." in either the comments below or on my Facebook page! I've gotten some awesome entries so far, but would love to see what ya'll can come up with.
Well this has been another lovely week of crazy following me wherever I go.
It all started out on Monday when I had to call the government tech support for a program I have to use for my state reporting at work.
What I was expecting was some bored sounding tech support person who was going to ask me a dozen times if the reason the program wasn't working was because I had forgotten to turn my computer on.
Instead what I got was a very gruff female voice that said, "Ya, what'd'ya want!"
If I had to guess, the woman on the other end of the line was raised in New Jersey, had been smoking since birth and probably belonged to a bowling league called something like "The Skull Crushers." Pretty much, if I had to guess at what she looked like in person, this is what I would imagine:
I explained the issue the program was giving me and I heard some keys tapping on the other end of the phone line followed suddenly by, "Alright toots, so the program is completely FUBAR-ed (if you don't know what that means, go ask a Marine) on our end. Give us the afternoon and I'm sure Jerry can fix it. Hey Jerry, put down that ping-pong paddle, we got a program on the fritz! Alright sweetheart, give us a few hours and we'll get it back up and running."
And with that she hung up the phone. Apparently her threats to Jerry worked as a few hours later I was able to file my state reports. I have never before been called "toots" by tech support, that was definitely a new one.
This wasn't the strangest event of my week, though. I was out and about in downtown Spokane when I was approached by one of the scariest transvestites I have ever seen.
Now when I say "scary" I don't mean wielding a pickaxe and chasing after a man on a motorcycle type of scary transvestite like Dr. Frank N Furter.
No, I mean her wig was on practically sideways, she was wearing olive green shiny tights that were testing the very laws of physics as they tried to contain everything and it looked like she had applied make-up by trowel, trial and error in the dark that morning.
I could smell waves upon waves of rum as she approached me. She teetered on her heels as she glanced down at me and said, "Daaaarling."
From experience, let me tell you, when a drag queen starts out with, "Daaaaaarling," it's never good.
She nearly fell over with her first word, but righted herself and managed to slur out, "Girl, your hair just does not look right. That is the worst dye job I have ever seen! Get that fixed!"
Then she teetered off down the street.
I wasn't really sure how to break this to her, but my hair isn't dyed. In fact, I haven't dyed my hair since college. Apparently though, I need to go get that fixed.
Add in the lady who told me that in a past life she was a dark elf fighting hobbits and the small child who attempted to color on the walls in my office, and it was an interesting week to be sure.
Did anyone else have bizarre happenings this week? As always I would love to hear about them!
Remember you can follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
July 21, 2013
Conundrum is an Awesome Word
Hello all! Well, we survived another week without alien invasion or Godzilla attack. I think we should all count that as a success.
Just a quick reminder. I do have a contest going on that will not only garner a winner a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus," but the winner will also have their own writing talents showcased in my next book.
All you have to do to enter is complete the statement, "Going through airport security is like..." in either the comments below or on any of the Facebook posts about it. I've already gotten some awesome entries, but keep them coming people!
So I stumbled upon this little gem of a book recently:
Author John Hartnett captures a wonderful slice of family life in his book "The Barber's Conundrum." Vacillating between commentary on parenting, lampooning magazines and televised news and providing snarky tips for restaurant owners, this collection of essays and anecdotes will leave you smiling. Hartnett's writing is easy to relate to and great for either short reading spurts or a longer time spent curled up in a cozy chair.
What is even better is that I was able to snag an interview with author John Hartnett!
What motivated you to start writing?
Do you mean besides having an excuse not to fold laundry? I've always had a love of writing, books, movies and art and even before putting pen to paper, I was always "writing" jokes and playing with words in my head to use in everyday conversation. I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a comedy writer and that was the impetus to start.
Regardless of how many books I sell or how many people read my work, mentally and emotionally, I need a creative outlet in order to feel fulfilled. It's a big reason why I started my humor blog, The Monkey Bellhop. I try to post new material there at least three or four days a week. Also, writing makes it easier to justify not working out. I run hot and cold with exercise. Right now, my body is telling me it has hypothermia.
If you could rewrite any book or movie as a musical, which one would it be and why?
Great question. I think I would take a crack at turning "The Catcher in the Rye" into a musical because the day it opened, I would go to the cemetery where J.D. Salinger is buried so I could find out once and for all whether people really can turn over in their graves.
What was your favorite part about writing "The Barber's Conundrum?"
Finishing it! I did everything myself including copy editing, layout, cover design, etc. It wasn't because I thought I was the most qualified person for the job, I'm just notoriously cheap. In retrospect, I don't recommend being your own editor or cover designer, unless you have real skills there, and hope I don't have to do it again.
I did feel a great sense of accomplishment in putting it all together but the best part overall has been the initial reaction to the stories which were very positive and encouraging. The reviews on Amazon have helped me to have faith that there is an audience for my book.
I made a decision very early in the writing process not to use any profanity or to write about anything overly offensive since there's already a lot of that material out there. I'm not a prude or anything, it was just a choice I made about my work. I think that as a result, the appeal has broadened a bit to a much wider demographic than I had initially envisioned. I have had parents tell me that their kids got a kick out of the school stories like The School Project: An American Tragedy, Making Homework History and The Only Child Rearing Book You'll Ever Need.
Your book is in the running for the Amazon Best Indie Book Awards, how excited are you for that?
I'm very excited. As an independent self-published author among a virtual sea of independent self published authors, I'm honored and more than slightly amazed to be recognized at all. I try to do as much outreach as I can to promote my book, as all independents have to, but there are days where you feel the odds of anyone "finding" your book are greater than discovering a message in a bottle in the middle of the Atlantic that contains all 5 winning Powerball numbers. I tell people that marketing a self published book is akin to a salmon run made all the more difficult because the salmon representing your book is also deceased.
If you had to choose between eating nothing but custard pie for the rest of your life or being stuck in a room with a very annoyed gorilla for a day, which would you choose?
I would probably go with the gorilla as long as he is not a term life insurance salesman. Or a trained custard pie chef. You didn't clarify, so unless that's the case, I'll go with the gorilla. One thing I don't need is one of those O Henry like twists to mark the end of my days on Earth. I want something fast and easy. My goal is to just find myself in Heaven and the first words that come out of my mouth are, "What hit me?"
Thank you John! For those interested in picking yourself up a copy of "The Barber's Conundrum" you can do so via Earlybird Press, Amazon, Smashwords and Barnes and Noble.
"Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" is getting some awesome reviews!
Amazon reader FromtheAshes says: "Allison's talent at seeing the random and hilarious side of every situation provides the reader with sore sides and a refreshed mind. This book is perfect for those moments when you're looking for a short, but light-hearted, read. The stories are entertaining and the lessons at the end of each are sure to amuse and make you nod your head in agreement. I look forward to reading more from Allison!"
Thank you again to all the readers who write reviews, as a first time author they make a huge impact!
As always, feel free to follow my daily adventures on Facebook, Goodreads and Twitter!
Just a quick reminder. I do have a contest going on that will not only garner a winner a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus," but the winner will also have their own writing talents showcased in my next book.
All you have to do to enter is complete the statement, "Going through airport security is like..." in either the comments below or on any of the Facebook posts about it. I've already gotten some awesome entries, but keep them coming people!
So I stumbled upon this little gem of a book recently:
Author John Hartnett captures a wonderful slice of family life in his book "The Barber's Conundrum." Vacillating between commentary on parenting, lampooning magazines and televised news and providing snarky tips for restaurant owners, this collection of essays and anecdotes will leave you smiling. Hartnett's writing is easy to relate to and great for either short reading spurts or a longer time spent curled up in a cozy chair.
What is even better is that I was able to snag an interview with author John Hartnett!
What motivated you to start writing?
Do you mean besides having an excuse not to fold laundry? I've always had a love of writing, books, movies and art and even before putting pen to paper, I was always "writing" jokes and playing with words in my head to use in everyday conversation. I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a comedy writer and that was the impetus to start.
Regardless of how many books I sell or how many people read my work, mentally and emotionally, I need a creative outlet in order to feel fulfilled. It's a big reason why I started my humor blog, The Monkey Bellhop. I try to post new material there at least three or four days a week. Also, writing makes it easier to justify not working out. I run hot and cold with exercise. Right now, my body is telling me it has hypothermia.
If you could rewrite any book or movie as a musical, which one would it be and why?
Great question. I think I would take a crack at turning "The Catcher in the Rye" into a musical because the day it opened, I would go to the cemetery where J.D. Salinger is buried so I could find out once and for all whether people really can turn over in their graves.
What was your favorite part about writing "The Barber's Conundrum?"
Finishing it! I did everything myself including copy editing, layout, cover design, etc. It wasn't because I thought I was the most qualified person for the job, I'm just notoriously cheap. In retrospect, I don't recommend being your own editor or cover designer, unless you have real skills there, and hope I don't have to do it again.
I did feel a great sense of accomplishment in putting it all together but the best part overall has been the initial reaction to the stories which were very positive and encouraging. The reviews on Amazon have helped me to have faith that there is an audience for my book.
I made a decision very early in the writing process not to use any profanity or to write about anything overly offensive since there's already a lot of that material out there. I'm not a prude or anything, it was just a choice I made about my work. I think that as a result, the appeal has broadened a bit to a much wider demographic than I had initially envisioned. I have had parents tell me that their kids got a kick out of the school stories like The School Project: An American Tragedy, Making Homework History and The Only Child Rearing Book You'll Ever Need.
Your book is in the running for the Amazon Best Indie Book Awards, how excited are you for that?
I'm very excited. As an independent self-published author among a virtual sea of independent self published authors, I'm honored and more than slightly amazed to be recognized at all. I try to do as much outreach as I can to promote my book, as all independents have to, but there are days where you feel the odds of anyone "finding" your book are greater than discovering a message in a bottle in the middle of the Atlantic that contains all 5 winning Powerball numbers. I tell people that marketing a self published book is akin to a salmon run made all the more difficult because the salmon representing your book is also deceased.
If you had to choose between eating nothing but custard pie for the rest of your life or being stuck in a room with a very annoyed gorilla for a day, which would you choose?
I would probably go with the gorilla as long as he is not a term life insurance salesman. Or a trained custard pie chef. You didn't clarify, so unless that's the case, I'll go with the gorilla. One thing I don't need is one of those O Henry like twists to mark the end of my days on Earth. I want something fast and easy. My goal is to just find myself in Heaven and the first words that come out of my mouth are, "What hit me?"
Thank you John! For those interested in picking yourself up a copy of "The Barber's Conundrum" you can do so via Earlybird Press, Amazon, Smashwords and Barnes and Noble.
"Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" is getting some awesome reviews!
Amazon reader FromtheAshes says: "Allison's talent at seeing the random and hilarious side of every situation provides the reader with sore sides and a refreshed mind. This book is perfect for those moments when you're looking for a short, but light-hearted, read. The stories are entertaining and the lessons at the end of each are sure to amuse and make you nod your head in agreement. I look forward to reading more from Allison!"
Thank you again to all the readers who write reviews, as a first time author they make a huge impact!
As always, feel free to follow my daily adventures on Facebook, Goodreads and Twitter!
July 15, 2013
Write Yourself Into Infamy!!!
Good evening! I hope everyone had a superb weekend and at least somewhat survived Monday.
Considering this morning I ended up applying foundation to my armpits before I realized that the bottle I was holding was not, in fact, deodorant, we can guess how my Monday went. At least my armpits were pretty today, right?
So I'm afraid this past weekend went blog-post-less because all of my brain cells, in unison, decided to go on a vacation to Tahiti. I really wish they would have taken the rest of my body with them, jerks.
Well first thing's first, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus has been added to the Barnes and Noble catalog! Isn't that spiffy!?
Now to the more important bit, how would you not only like to win a signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus, but showcase your own creative writing talents in my next book?
If that sounds supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (and yes, as a person with dyslexia that is a HARD word to spell), then read on!
This sometimes happens:
I was writing this past week when I ran into a moment where I started one of my similes, and got stuck for a second. It wasn't a long second, but it was long enough for this thought to pop in my head like a gremlin cooked in a microwave, "You know what, maybe someone else would like to give these a shot?"
So here's the contest, we are going to play a game of Complete the Simile. The person who comes up with the funniest and most creative end to, "Going through airport security is like..." will receive a free signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus and their excellent simile, with credit given of course, will go into my next book!
I promise the book I am offering for this contest is not the one with the teeth marks from my moment of velociraptor-like excitement.
If you would like to enter, either leave your entry in the comments below or on this Facebook page in reply to any of the posts that mention this contest! Share this contest with your friends, it won't be any fun if only a few people participate!
Come on people, show me what you've got!
Remember, you can always follow my off-kilter exploits on Facebook, Twitter or Goodreads!
Considering this morning I ended up applying foundation to my armpits before I realized that the bottle I was holding was not, in fact, deodorant, we can guess how my Monday went. At least my armpits were pretty today, right?
So I'm afraid this past weekend went blog-post-less because all of my brain cells, in unison, decided to go on a vacation to Tahiti. I really wish they would have taken the rest of my body with them, jerks.
Well first thing's first, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus has been added to the Barnes and Noble catalog! Isn't that spiffy!?
Now to the more important bit, how would you not only like to win a signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus, but showcase your own creative writing talents in my next book?
If that sounds supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (and yes, as a person with dyslexia that is a HARD word to spell), then read on!
This sometimes happens:
I was writing this past week when I ran into a moment where I started one of my similes, and got stuck for a second. It wasn't a long second, but it was long enough for this thought to pop in my head like a gremlin cooked in a microwave, "You know what, maybe someone else would like to give these a shot?"
So here's the contest, we are going to play a game of Complete the Simile. The person who comes up with the funniest and most creative end to, "Going through airport security is like..." will receive a free signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus and their excellent simile, with credit given of course, will go into my next book!
I promise the book I am offering for this contest is not the one with the teeth marks from my moment of velociraptor-like excitement.
If you would like to enter, either leave your entry in the comments below or on this Facebook page in reply to any of the posts that mention this contest! Share this contest with your friends, it won't be any fun if only a few people participate!
Come on people, show me what you've got!
Remember, you can always follow my off-kilter exploits on Facebook, Twitter or Goodreads!
July 6, 2013
You get a gun and I get a... lipstick tube? Golly, thanks.
Well hello all you internet sojourners who have happened upon this page. I hope everyone had a super, non-personally-flammable and alien free Independence Day! (Though, if you have any pictures of alien encounters, feel free to send them my way.)
In Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus news, I am contemplating recording an audiobook version of the book! I already asked people on my Facebook page for their opinion, and they seemed really interested!
So, therefore, I will posit the same question here, would anyone be interested in an audiobook version of this book?
Feel free to leave me your opinions/comments here or on my Facebook page, either way I'd love to hear what ya'll think!
Now on to the heart of today's discussion: The portrayal of women in fantasy, action and sci-fi.
This is actually something that has made me want to smack my head into a brick wall for quite some time now, but it was brought to the forefront of my prefrontal cortex when a good friend of mine linked me to this amazing video:
I am a huge geek, in fact as I am writing this post I am listening to John Williams' soundtracks in a room that is completely decorated in superheroes. I read comic books, I watch sci-fi, fantasy and action movies and I will be the first to correct you if you mess up on a random Star Wars fact.
So don't get me wrong, this is not the opinion of some ill-informed noob.
Now before everyone gets their knickers in a twist, I will admit that there are some well dressed, well armed women in these genres. Take, for example, the Invisible Woman or Harley Quinn.
And that is the key word "some," as in "only a select few."
Susan Storm Richards, Dr. Harleen Quinzel M.D. and only a hand basket full of others are sadly the rare exceptions to the rule.
For the most part women in fantasy, sci-fi and action genres tend to look like this:
Do we get the idea yet?
I have several very practical and logical problems with this.
The first thing I have to say to this is; for all of their apparent powers, talents and strengths, heroines haven't quite figured out the "pants" concept yet. Seriously, you don't see many superheroes or warriors running around in their underwear! Well... except for maybe Superman...
But even then he did have pants, he just never figured out the order of operations for normal human clothing.
Who in their right mind would want to go fight against the forces of darkness in their underwear? I mean, who thinks, "There is an army of orcs headed this way, better lose my pants, take off my shirt and pick up a battle axe!?"
Granted, the ancient Celts (my ancestors) did engage the enemy in battle naked, but that was more for a shock and awe value. And I have to say, not many people want to see a bunch of hairy, ale guzzling, white men running at them nude. It's just not a fun mental image.
Unless this is some mystical underwear that can protect you against swords, bullets, fists and giant robots, at least consider wearing more clothes than a Hooters' waitress?
Then there is the fighting in heels bit. I have had men actually try to explain to me how this is both feasible and logical. Having been in martial arts for a good portion of my life let me tell you, there is nothing logical about this:
All I can think when I watch this video is, "And now Cameron Diaz has, at the very least a sprained ankle and now has who knows how many blisters on her feet."
When I was involved with Taekwondo a few years back, one of my fellow students was a guy who not only claimed that walking in heels was (and I'm using his words), "Easy-peesey-lemon-squeezy," but that he could do a double spinning back kick in them.
I took his bet. We found him some 4-inch pumps that magically fit his man feet. He scoffed and claimed that it was easier to navigate in heels than he had thought, as his legs wobbled a bit as he tried to walk. Then, he lifted one leg for a kick and suddenly found himself lying on the floor looking up at the bright lights of the ceiling.
I don't care how coordinated you are, you cannot fight in heels!
Then, there are the ridiculous, nearly physically impossible, poses that these fighting females end up standing in. To show how ridiculous this is blogger Jim C. Hines actually endeavored to recreate the poses he saw on the covers of comic books, sci-fi and fantasy novels and movie covers. Here are some of his results:
There really are a million more points about women's portrayal in these genres that I could make. Unfortunately, my caffeine-powered focus is beginning to wear thin.
Before I leave you all however, there is one more point I believe that should be brought up. Why are all the women portrayed skinny-minis? Now, don't get me wrong, I know some thin very powerful women with an amazing amount of lean muscle. But let me tell you, if you look like you live off of a diet of half a stick of celery with water for dipping sauce, you are not going to be taking on gangs of thugs, super villains or armies of goblins with any measure of success.
Would it be so bad to have a super heroine (aside from She-Hulk) who was built with a little more to her than spandex and blond hair? Would it be crushing to the plot to have a warrior woman who looked like she weighed more than the battle axe she's brandishing?
Well I will get off my soap box now. As I said at the beginning of this post, I would love to hear your opinions on the audiobook option. I would also love to know what other silly things you've seen in movies, books, video-games and pop culture art regarding the ways women are portrayed!
As always, feel free to follow my misadventures on Facebook, Twitter or Goodreads!
In Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus news, I am contemplating recording an audiobook version of the book! I already asked people on my Facebook page for their opinion, and they seemed really interested!
So, therefore, I will posit the same question here, would anyone be interested in an audiobook version of this book?
Feel free to leave me your opinions/comments here or on my Facebook page, either way I'd love to hear what ya'll think!
Now on to the heart of today's discussion: The portrayal of women in fantasy, action and sci-fi.
This is actually something that has made me want to smack my head into a brick wall for quite some time now, but it was brought to the forefront of my prefrontal cortex when a good friend of mine linked me to this amazing video:
I am a huge geek, in fact as I am writing this post I am listening to John Williams' soundtracks in a room that is completely decorated in superheroes. I read comic books, I watch sci-fi, fantasy and action movies and I will be the first to correct you if you mess up on a random Star Wars fact.
So don't get me wrong, this is not the opinion of some ill-informed noob.
Now before everyone gets their knickers in a twist, I will admit that there are some well dressed, well armed women in these genres. Take, for example, the Invisible Woman or Harley Quinn.
And that is the key word "some," as in "only a select few."
Susan Storm Richards, Dr. Harleen Quinzel M.D. and only a hand basket full of others are sadly the rare exceptions to the rule.
For the most part women in fantasy, sci-fi and action genres tend to look like this:
Do we get the idea yet?I have several very practical and logical problems with this.
The first thing I have to say to this is; for all of their apparent powers, talents and strengths, heroines haven't quite figured out the "pants" concept yet. Seriously, you don't see many superheroes or warriors running around in their underwear! Well... except for maybe Superman...
But even then he did have pants, he just never figured out the order of operations for normal human clothing.Who in their right mind would want to go fight against the forces of darkness in their underwear? I mean, who thinks, "There is an army of orcs headed this way, better lose my pants, take off my shirt and pick up a battle axe!?"
Granted, the ancient Celts (my ancestors) did engage the enemy in battle naked, but that was more for a shock and awe value. And I have to say, not many people want to see a bunch of hairy, ale guzzling, white men running at them nude. It's just not a fun mental image.
Unless this is some mystical underwear that can protect you against swords, bullets, fists and giant robots, at least consider wearing more clothes than a Hooters' waitress?
Then there is the fighting in heels bit. I have had men actually try to explain to me how this is both feasible and logical. Having been in martial arts for a good portion of my life let me tell you, there is nothing logical about this:
All I can think when I watch this video is, "And now Cameron Diaz has, at the very least a sprained ankle and now has who knows how many blisters on her feet."
When I was involved with Taekwondo a few years back, one of my fellow students was a guy who not only claimed that walking in heels was (and I'm using his words), "Easy-peesey-lemon-squeezy," but that he could do a double spinning back kick in them.
I took his bet. We found him some 4-inch pumps that magically fit his man feet. He scoffed and claimed that it was easier to navigate in heels than he had thought, as his legs wobbled a bit as he tried to walk. Then, he lifted one leg for a kick and suddenly found himself lying on the floor looking up at the bright lights of the ceiling.
I don't care how coordinated you are, you cannot fight in heels!
Then, there are the ridiculous, nearly physically impossible, poses that these fighting females end up standing in. To show how ridiculous this is blogger Jim C. Hines actually endeavored to recreate the poses he saw on the covers of comic books, sci-fi and fantasy novels and movie covers. Here are some of his results:
There really are a million more points about women's portrayal in these genres that I could make. Unfortunately, my caffeine-powered focus is beginning to wear thin. Before I leave you all however, there is one more point I believe that should be brought up. Why are all the women portrayed skinny-minis? Now, don't get me wrong, I know some thin very powerful women with an amazing amount of lean muscle. But let me tell you, if you look like you live off of a diet of half a stick of celery with water for dipping sauce, you are not going to be taking on gangs of thugs, super villains or armies of goblins with any measure of success.
Would it be so bad to have a super heroine (aside from She-Hulk) who was built with a little more to her than spandex and blond hair? Would it be crushing to the plot to have a warrior woman who looked like she weighed more than the battle axe she's brandishing?
Well I will get off my soap box now. As I said at the beginning of this post, I would love to hear your opinions on the audiobook option. I would also love to know what other silly things you've seen in movies, books, video-games and pop culture art regarding the ways women are portrayed!
As always, feel free to follow my misadventures on Facebook, Twitter or Goodreads!
June 28, 2013
Maters, Taters and Grits, oh my!
Greetings ya'll! I hope your weeks have been more exciting than the thought of a thousand gremlins, who have been fed after midnight, playing kettle-drums to Janis Joplin's "Piece of My Heart!"
Well for today's post I actually had to sit down with a glass of good ol' sweet tea and Charlie Daniels Band's "Devil Went Down to Georgia" blasting in the background.
"What would bring out Allison's not normally as obvious Southern side?" one might ask.
This is why:
Author B.S. Johnson wrote this nice little slice of Georgia peach pie and not only signed a copy for me, but allowed me to interview her as well!
"Maters, Taters and Grits" is a little homage to Southern living that is perfect for anyone wishing to revisit their roots in the deep South or for those wanting to get a peek into what "Southern Hospitality" really means. B.S. Johnson not only does a good job in her collection of essays of conveying the warmth of the culture she grew up in, but does so in a way that will leave you hankering for a huge glass of sweet tea.
Of course, what am I still yapping about, here is B.S. Johnson's world in her own words:
What made you want to start writing?
I was raised an only child, and was adopted. I had lots of things running through my young mind, and no siblings to beat it out on, so I started using writing as an outlet. I filled many notebooks in my day.
You have a new book of poetry coming out soon, can you tell my readers a bit about it?
It is actually out now. "Rhymes from Darker Times." I guess you could say it was twenty years in the making, because several of the poems in that book came out of notebooks I have been writing in since the late eighties, early nineties. These poems were some that helped me through some of the more difficult times in my life.
Side note: Look here it is!
If you could sit and have a glass of sweet tea with any fictional character from a book, what character would it be?
Oh, that would have to be Harry Potter. I love magic. I wonder if he could make me talk to animals...
What is the single biggest difference between Southerners and Northerners?
The accent, I think. You can usually pick up on it right away.
What song are you most likely to be overheard singing loudly to in the shower?
Probably anything by Colt Ford. I'm a huge fan.
If you had to choose between an eternity of listening to nothing but elevator music or an eternity of eating nothing but jello with vegetables in it, which would you choose and why?
Jello with veggies. Because I gotta eat. And jello is yummy. If there's veggies in it I don't like, such as peas, I'll pick 'em out.
What has been your favorite part of the writing process thus far?
Honestly, I'd have to say being published. It was such a great accomplishment for me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd have a book-much less two- in print!
Thank you to B.S. Johnson for being a good sport and answering my questions! If either of those books piqued your interest you should check them out (go click the titles, I linked them) and also scurry on over to B.S. Johnson's blog!
Well "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" has been out for about a month and a half now!
J.G. Brandt says, "This had me laughing the entire way through. The stories themselves are the kind that are so wonderfully and hilariously improbable that you know they are true. Miss Hawn has a unique style that is quite delightful for the reader and a quick as a whip sense of humor that will have you smiling despite yourself. If you have ever had a moment in your own life where you sat stunned at a situation you were in thinking "that so did not just happen...." or "no one is ever gonna believe this...." you will enjoy this book. When I finished the last story my first thought was "But wait! There has to be more!" I look forward to her next work"
Thank you to everyone who has supported me thus far, written reviews and generally just been absolutely smashing! I hope you all have a splendid week!
If you want to find out why a raven is like a writing desk, feel free to follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
Well for today's post I actually had to sit down with a glass of good ol' sweet tea and Charlie Daniels Band's "Devil Went Down to Georgia" blasting in the background.
"What would bring out Allison's not normally as obvious Southern side?" one might ask.
This is why:
Author B.S. Johnson wrote this nice little slice of Georgia peach pie and not only signed a copy for me, but allowed me to interview her as well!
"Maters, Taters and Grits" is a little homage to Southern living that is perfect for anyone wishing to revisit their roots in the deep South or for those wanting to get a peek into what "Southern Hospitality" really means. B.S. Johnson not only does a good job in her collection of essays of conveying the warmth of the culture she grew up in, but does so in a way that will leave you hankering for a huge glass of sweet tea.
Of course, what am I still yapping about, here is B.S. Johnson's world in her own words:
What made you want to start writing?
I was raised an only child, and was adopted. I had lots of things running through my young mind, and no siblings to beat it out on, so I started using writing as an outlet. I filled many notebooks in my day.
You have a new book of poetry coming out soon, can you tell my readers a bit about it?
It is actually out now. "Rhymes from Darker Times." I guess you could say it was twenty years in the making, because several of the poems in that book came out of notebooks I have been writing in since the late eighties, early nineties. These poems were some that helped me through some of the more difficult times in my life.
Side note: Look here it is!
If you could sit and have a glass of sweet tea with any fictional character from a book, what character would it be?Oh, that would have to be Harry Potter. I love magic. I wonder if he could make me talk to animals...
What is the single biggest difference between Southerners and Northerners?
The accent, I think. You can usually pick up on it right away.
What song are you most likely to be overheard singing loudly to in the shower?
Probably anything by Colt Ford. I'm a huge fan.
If you had to choose between an eternity of listening to nothing but elevator music or an eternity of eating nothing but jello with vegetables in it, which would you choose and why?
Jello with veggies. Because I gotta eat. And jello is yummy. If there's veggies in it I don't like, such as peas, I'll pick 'em out.
What has been your favorite part of the writing process thus far?
Honestly, I'd have to say being published. It was such a great accomplishment for me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd have a book-much less two- in print!
Thank you to B.S. Johnson for being a good sport and answering my questions! If either of those books piqued your interest you should check them out (go click the titles, I linked them) and also scurry on over to B.S. Johnson's blog!
Well "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" has been out for about a month and a half now!
J.G. Brandt says, "This had me laughing the entire way through. The stories themselves are the kind that are so wonderfully and hilariously improbable that you know they are true. Miss Hawn has a unique style that is quite delightful for the reader and a quick as a whip sense of humor that will have you smiling despite yourself. If you have ever had a moment in your own life where you sat stunned at a situation you were in thinking "that so did not just happen...." or "no one is ever gonna believe this...." you will enjoy this book. When I finished the last story my first thought was "But wait! There has to be more!" I look forward to her next work"
Thank you to everyone who has supported me thus far, written reviews and generally just been absolutely smashing! I hope you all have a splendid week!
If you want to find out why a raven is like a writing desk, feel free to follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
June 23, 2013
The Short List
Hello all! I hope everyone is having a more fantastic Sunday than the thought of a thousand lemmings synchronized swimming to "Bittersweet Symphony."
Well, to start out "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" has been getting some pretty sweet reviews!
Amazon user Annie_Larlee writes, "Allison is able to write so descriptively that you feel like you are right there beside her as she experiences each story! This is a must-read if you want to have a good laugh and see a snap shot of the life Allison lives!!! I would recommend it to all of my friends, family and acquaintances!"
The book has also been making it all around the country!
Here it is in Georgia (thanks to B.S. Johnson for the picture):
Here it is with the contest winner Jill JP Palmquist in Washington:
And here it is in California (thanks to Marty M. for the picture):
Well, it has been a crazy (about two steps away from psychotic crazy) week for me. In one week I got a new job, moved to a new apartment and was called "darling" by no less than four different people.
If I have seemed oddly silent, it's not because I'm dead, though, with how my life tends to progress, that is a fair assumption to make.
I am currently sitting in a coffee shop scalping internet, as my home internet will not be hooked up for a bit yet, as I very slowly drink a mocha that I am relatively sure has enough sugar in it to give a weasel an aneurysm. Good thing I'm slightly bigger than a weasel, huh?
One of the things that moving has made abundantly clear is that I am short. This point was especially exemplified when I went to hang my shower curtain in my new bathroom, stepped up into the tub (which is about 6 inches off the ground) and my friend Sarah said, "Wow, even with you standing in a tub I'm still taller than you."
I was about to protest, until I looked over and realized I was making eye contact with her for the first time ever without having to crane my neck upwards, and yes, she was still a good inch or two taller than me.
Being 5'3" (on a good day and sometimes only if I stand on my tippy-toes) means that a lot of my conversations feel like this:
O.k., so I'm short, which has its admitted downsides (no pun intended). I can't reach the top cabinets without imitating a spider monkey, I would need a pogo stick to ever compete in a hurdle race and it is much easier for people to condescendingly pat me on the head than most.
Despite these issues, I think that being short has some clear advantages. So if you are short, like me, I encourage you to bring up these points next time someone mocks your vertically challenged state.
1. Short people tend to have mad hide and seek skills. Remember that box that you never thought anyone would ever curl up in?
Yeah, we've been in that box for 45 minutes and are perfectly comfortable.
2. We are built lower to the ground, meaning that when we fall it's a shorter distance to the ground. It's also a lot less effort to get back up again.
3. We tend not to have this problem:
4. These guys are short, and they are awesome!
5. Our lives spent as short people have improved our ability to climb things.
6. We have a lower center of gravity and are built low to the ground for speed an accuracy.
See, being short isn't terrible. So we occasionally need help reaching things out of our own kitchen cabinets and spend a lot of time examining peoples' nostrils, but at least we're harder to find, thwart or push over!
Well, I had best go before the coffee shop people begin to suspect me of plotting a caffeine fueled revolt. Remember you can always follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
Well, to start out "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" has been getting some pretty sweet reviews!
Amazon user Annie_Larlee writes, "Allison is able to write so descriptively that you feel like you are right there beside her as she experiences each story! This is a must-read if you want to have a good laugh and see a snap shot of the life Allison lives!!! I would recommend it to all of my friends, family and acquaintances!"
The book has also been making it all around the country!
Here it is in Georgia (thanks to B.S. Johnson for the picture):
Here it is with the contest winner Jill JP Palmquist in Washington:
And here it is in California (thanks to Marty M. for the picture):
Well, it has been a crazy (about two steps away from psychotic crazy) week for me. In one week I got a new job, moved to a new apartment and was called "darling" by no less than four different people.
If I have seemed oddly silent, it's not because I'm dead, though, with how my life tends to progress, that is a fair assumption to make.
I am currently sitting in a coffee shop scalping internet, as my home internet will not be hooked up for a bit yet, as I very slowly drink a mocha that I am relatively sure has enough sugar in it to give a weasel an aneurysm. Good thing I'm slightly bigger than a weasel, huh?
One of the things that moving has made abundantly clear is that I am short. This point was especially exemplified when I went to hang my shower curtain in my new bathroom, stepped up into the tub (which is about 6 inches off the ground) and my friend Sarah said, "Wow, even with you standing in a tub I'm still taller than you."
I was about to protest, until I looked over and realized I was making eye contact with her for the first time ever without having to crane my neck upwards, and yes, she was still a good inch or two taller than me.
Being 5'3" (on a good day and sometimes only if I stand on my tippy-toes) means that a lot of my conversations feel like this:
O.k., so I'm short, which has its admitted downsides (no pun intended). I can't reach the top cabinets without imitating a spider monkey, I would need a pogo stick to ever compete in a hurdle race and it is much easier for people to condescendingly pat me on the head than most.
Despite these issues, I think that being short has some clear advantages. So if you are short, like me, I encourage you to bring up these points next time someone mocks your vertically challenged state.
1. Short people tend to have mad hide and seek skills. Remember that box that you never thought anyone would ever curl up in?
Yeah, we've been in that box for 45 minutes and are perfectly comfortable.
2. We are built lower to the ground, meaning that when we fall it's a shorter distance to the ground. It's also a lot less effort to get back up again.
3. We tend not to have this problem:
4. These guys are short, and they are awesome!
5. Our lives spent as short people have improved our ability to climb things.
6. We have a lower center of gravity and are built low to the ground for speed an accuracy.
See, being short isn't terrible. So we occasionally need help reaching things out of our own kitchen cabinets and spend a lot of time examining peoples' nostrils, but at least we're harder to find, thwart or push over!
Well, I had best go before the coffee shop people begin to suspect me of plotting a caffeine fueled revolt. Remember you can always follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
June 15, 2013
Back to the Smorgasbord! (And an Interview Too!)
Hello all you lovely people (or any other lovely that thing happens to be reading this page)! I hope everyone has had a wonderful week in whatever land they are in!
Today's post is a bit of a smattering of randomness. This is what happens when an already devious woman with too much coffee in her system is given the power to write her own blog. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! (That is the closest to an evil laugh I can get via typing, so here's an additional visual for you.)
We have a winner in the Facebook based contest to win a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!" Jill JP Palmquist was chosen by the mystic Safeway bag! (I realize it's not exactly the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, but it was the only thing I really had nearby that I could pull slips of paper out of... without getting out of my chair that is.)
Thank you to everyone who entered. If you wanted to win but the mystic Safeway bag did not oblige, don't worry, more contests are on the way! Just stay tuned to the same Bat-station (Bat-time may vary)!
Well I happened upon another independent author whose work deserves some mention; Darrin Mason's e-book "The Wicked Witch of the West Rides Again."
If that isn't the most Trick-or-Treat oriented cover you've ever seen, then I challenge you to find one that fits the bill better. This short work is a mix of "Who's on First," "The Jabberwocky" and the random pop culture references of "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
What's even cooler is that Darrin Mason actually let me interview him, and all I had to do was threaten his garden gnome collection with a sledgehammer to get him to agree to answer my questions! (No actual garden gnomes were hurt in the making of this blog post.) So now, without further ado, I present an interview with author Darrin Mason!
In writing “The Wicked Witch of the West Rides Again” what was your biggest source of inspiration?
"The Wicked Witch of the West Rides Again" is the sequel to "The Wicked Witch of the West: Munchkin Killer" which was inspired by the title, "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters." I am also a huge fan of Stephen King and Gary Larson (The Far Side). I guess I just put two and two hundred thousand, eight hundred and sixty nine together and came up with something that will rock your socks off.
What first interested you in writing?
It wasn't writing to begin with as much as it was creating. I just did what I did and looking back on it I guess it was my way of escaping a pretty crappy childhood. Come to think of it, most people who escape are sent back to jail with time added on, so I guess my way out is not only a pretty cool one in its own right, but it is also something I can say nee-ner nee-ner about to all those escaped prisoners who are back in jail having been caught while on the run.
If you could have tea with one of your characters, which one would you invite and why?
My version of the Wicked Witch of the West because she don't take no sh*t from no one. She's also a very pretty thing.
Who is your biggest comedic idol?
Undoubtedly Chevy Chase in front of the camera and Mel Brooks behind it. As a group, Monty Python.
What music do you listen to when you write?
Metallica babeee. Yeah.
Who would win in a fight; a grizzly bear or a unicorn? Why?
They already did and the bear won. That's how the unicorn became extinct. I mean, duh.
Thank you Darrin for answering my questions, the sledgehammer is going back in my closet and Jimithy the Garden Gnome is safe... for now.
On a final note, specifically C-sharp I think, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus, has been getting some pretty sweet reviews.
Joybelle60 on Amazon writes: "What a fun read. Allison is funny, in an off beat way, which meets my needs for a fun read, in its entirety. If you want to read a book that will just entertain you, this is the perfect book. Congrats, Allison on book 1........looking forward to your next endeavor."
As a first-time author I truly appreciate the kind words of my readers more than I, or probably an auctioneer on speed, can say!
As always, if you wish to catch up on the latest of my misadventures I can be found on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
Today's post is a bit of a smattering of randomness. This is what happens when an already devious woman with too much coffee in her system is given the power to write her own blog. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! (That is the closest to an evil laugh I can get via typing, so here's an additional visual for you.)
We have a winner in the Facebook based contest to win a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!" Jill JP Palmquist was chosen by the mystic Safeway bag! (I realize it's not exactly the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, but it was the only thing I really had nearby that I could pull slips of paper out of... without getting out of my chair that is.)
Thank you to everyone who entered. If you wanted to win but the mystic Safeway bag did not oblige, don't worry, more contests are on the way! Just stay tuned to the same Bat-station (Bat-time may vary)!
Well I happened upon another independent author whose work deserves some mention; Darrin Mason's e-book "The Wicked Witch of the West Rides Again."
If that isn't the most Trick-or-Treat oriented cover you've ever seen, then I challenge you to find one that fits the bill better. This short work is a mix of "Who's on First," "The Jabberwocky" and the random pop culture references of "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
What's even cooler is that Darrin Mason actually let me interview him, and all I had to do was threaten his garden gnome collection with a sledgehammer to get him to agree to answer my questions! (No actual garden gnomes were hurt in the making of this blog post.) So now, without further ado, I present an interview with author Darrin Mason!
In writing “The Wicked Witch of the West Rides Again” what was your biggest source of inspiration?
"The Wicked Witch of the West Rides Again" is the sequel to "The Wicked Witch of the West: Munchkin Killer" which was inspired by the title, "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters." I am also a huge fan of Stephen King and Gary Larson (The Far Side). I guess I just put two and two hundred thousand, eight hundred and sixty nine together and came up with something that will rock your socks off.
What first interested you in writing?
It wasn't writing to begin with as much as it was creating. I just did what I did and looking back on it I guess it was my way of escaping a pretty crappy childhood. Come to think of it, most people who escape are sent back to jail with time added on, so I guess my way out is not only a pretty cool one in its own right, but it is also something I can say nee-ner nee-ner about to all those escaped prisoners who are back in jail having been caught while on the run.
If you could have tea with one of your characters, which one would you invite and why?
My version of the Wicked Witch of the West because she don't take no sh*t from no one. She's also a very pretty thing.
Who is your biggest comedic idol?
Undoubtedly Chevy Chase in front of the camera and Mel Brooks behind it. As a group, Monty Python.
What music do you listen to when you write?
Metallica babeee. Yeah.
Who would win in a fight; a grizzly bear or a unicorn? Why?
They already did and the bear won. That's how the unicorn became extinct. I mean, duh.
Thank you Darrin for answering my questions, the sledgehammer is going back in my closet and Jimithy the Garden Gnome is safe... for now.
On a final note, specifically C-sharp I think, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus, has been getting some pretty sweet reviews.
Joybelle60 on Amazon writes: "What a fun read. Allison is funny, in an off beat way, which meets my needs for a fun read, in its entirety. If you want to read a book that will just entertain you, this is the perfect book. Congrats, Allison on book 1........looking forward to your next endeavor."
As a first-time author I truly appreciate the kind words of my readers more than I, or probably an auctioneer on speed, can say!
As always, if you wish to catch up on the latest of my misadventures I can be found on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
June 9, 2013
Free Your Mind!
Hello all! I hope everyone's weekend was more fantastic than the thought of marmots skiing over piles of glitter!
Well yesterday I had my first book signing for Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus at Monkeyboy Books!
Thank you to everyone who came out to get their copies of the book signed and to all the new readers I was able to meet! Also thank you to Marina for letting me take up a corner of your shop for this event!
Also Auntie's Bookstore has also started carrying Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!!! So if you happen to be hankering for a copy, you can find it there now too!
And now for something completely different; Darth Vader in a kilt, on a unicycle playing bagpipes!
Prejudice. Wrote a blog post about it. Like to read it? Here it goes! (If you don't get that reference, go to Youtube and it will make a lot more sense.)
I had an interesting interaction today. I was buying groceries, a task that requires me to listen to "Eye of the Tiger" just so that the task of buying tomatoes feels more epic.
I should note that I was wearing a tank top today because Spokane has suddenly decided that Summer is happening, despite our random May "spit goes clink" cold snap. If you will note the picture above... I have some artwork, and by some, I mean quite a bit.
I was rocking out in the produce section, my headphones in but not turned up super loud, when I heard this lady right next to me say to her husband, "Look at her and those tattoos, I bet she doesn't even have a job. Such a shame that someone so young messed up their life."
I paused my lettuce perusal and turned to the woman and gave her the most sickeningly, sugary sweet smile I could muster and said, "Actually, I'm a social worker, and I've had steady jobs since I was 17. The tattoos just help me weed out the people who are too prejudiced for me to hang around. Oh, and by the way, I have a 4-year degree, so yeah, I've really screwed up my life."
The woman's eyes bugged out and her mouth dropped open enough that I could see the half masticated piece of gum she had been spitefully chewing, and so I continued in the brightest most cheerful tone I could muster, "Yeah, I may look like a cheap romance novel to you on the outside, but on the inside I'm Shakespeare. Have a good day, ok cupcake?"
As I walked away I could hear her husband chuckling.
Sadly, this is not the first time something like this has happened. I once was asked if I was a Satanist, which is entertaining considering the fact that I have "Psalm 23:4" scrawled on my shin, a giant angel on my chest and two other crosses. I just looked at the man who asked and said, "Yep, better keep an eye on your chickens. You never know when I might need a sacrifice."
I have also been asked, "When you get old, aren't you going to hate the way they look?"
To which I normally respond, "When you get old, are you going to look like a beauty queen?"
Plus, if I can look half as awesome as this dude does at 80, then I don't think I will have any problem with it!
I realize that not everyone likes tattoos. That is fine. The solution to that is that if you don't like tattoos, then don't get any.
I also realize that some employers are not fans of tattoos, which is why I get them in places that I can cover them easily.
It is just plain sad, though, when someone looks at a wonderful piece of art (and I'm going to say it, my tattoos are pieces of art etched by true artists) and thinks that someone's I.Q. or capabilities are somehow diminished because of its existence.
Now granted, if someone has a tattoo that looks like it was drawn by a three-year-old or has horrible misspellings in it like this:
Then I can understand where one might think the person sporting this piece of awfulness might be a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Not all tattoos are created equal.
But when it is like this:
An actual piece of art, then I don't see why someone must be deemed less intelligent, less capable or less in any way based on the fact that they made a choice that someone else may not have. (A shout out to Em and John at Talon Tattoo. Em did this piece on a friend of mine and they are true artists over there.)
The world is full of so many other important issues and questions that we could be spending mental energy on (like how do you peel a pomegranate without making a gory mess out of it?), so why focus any energy on making negative assumptions?
People are people, some people just resemble the Louvre more than others.
As always, feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
Well yesterday I had my first book signing for Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus at Monkeyboy Books!
Thank you to everyone who came out to get their copies of the book signed and to all the new readers I was able to meet! Also thank you to Marina for letting me take up a corner of your shop for this event!
Also Auntie's Bookstore has also started carrying Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!!! So if you happen to be hankering for a copy, you can find it there now too!
And now for something completely different; Darth Vader in a kilt, on a unicycle playing bagpipes!
Prejudice. Wrote a blog post about it. Like to read it? Here it goes! (If you don't get that reference, go to Youtube and it will make a lot more sense.)
I had an interesting interaction today. I was buying groceries, a task that requires me to listen to "Eye of the Tiger" just so that the task of buying tomatoes feels more epic.
I should note that I was wearing a tank top today because Spokane has suddenly decided that Summer is happening, despite our random May "spit goes clink" cold snap. If you will note the picture above... I have some artwork, and by some, I mean quite a bit.
I was rocking out in the produce section, my headphones in but not turned up super loud, when I heard this lady right next to me say to her husband, "Look at her and those tattoos, I bet she doesn't even have a job. Such a shame that someone so young messed up their life."
I paused my lettuce perusal and turned to the woman and gave her the most sickeningly, sugary sweet smile I could muster and said, "Actually, I'm a social worker, and I've had steady jobs since I was 17. The tattoos just help me weed out the people who are too prejudiced for me to hang around. Oh, and by the way, I have a 4-year degree, so yeah, I've really screwed up my life."
The woman's eyes bugged out and her mouth dropped open enough that I could see the half masticated piece of gum she had been spitefully chewing, and so I continued in the brightest most cheerful tone I could muster, "Yeah, I may look like a cheap romance novel to you on the outside, but on the inside I'm Shakespeare. Have a good day, ok cupcake?"
As I walked away I could hear her husband chuckling.
Sadly, this is not the first time something like this has happened. I once was asked if I was a Satanist, which is entertaining considering the fact that I have "Psalm 23:4" scrawled on my shin, a giant angel on my chest and two other crosses. I just looked at the man who asked and said, "Yep, better keep an eye on your chickens. You never know when I might need a sacrifice."
I have also been asked, "When you get old, aren't you going to hate the way they look?"
To which I normally respond, "When you get old, are you going to look like a beauty queen?"
Plus, if I can look half as awesome as this dude does at 80, then I don't think I will have any problem with it!
I realize that not everyone likes tattoos. That is fine. The solution to that is that if you don't like tattoos, then don't get any.
I also realize that some employers are not fans of tattoos, which is why I get them in places that I can cover them easily.
It is just plain sad, though, when someone looks at a wonderful piece of art (and I'm going to say it, my tattoos are pieces of art etched by true artists) and thinks that someone's I.Q. or capabilities are somehow diminished because of its existence.
Now granted, if someone has a tattoo that looks like it was drawn by a three-year-old or has horrible misspellings in it like this:
Then I can understand where one might think the person sporting this piece of awfulness might be a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Not all tattoos are created equal.
But when it is like this:
An actual piece of art, then I don't see why someone must be deemed less intelligent, less capable or less in any way based on the fact that they made a choice that someone else may not have. (A shout out to Em and John at Talon Tattoo. Em did this piece on a friend of mine and they are true artists over there.)
The world is full of so many other important issues and questions that we could be spending mental energy on (like how do you peel a pomegranate without making a gory mess out of it?), so why focus any energy on making negative assumptions?
People are people, some people just resemble the Louvre more than others.
As always, feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!
