Princess Jones's Blog, page 3

Some Ridiculous and Random Thoughts on The Suicide Squad

I saw Suicide Squad last night. Here are some ridiculous and random thoughts about it.

Wait! There are spoilers ahead. So if you don’t want those, turn back now.

Still here? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I read the reviews going into this movie and I mostly agree with them. Yes, the first half of the movie was just a montage of backstories. Yes, it spent too much time objectifying Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn. Yes, there were a lot of holes in this plot. But I will note that there is a difference between a good movie and a likeable movie. I wouldn’t call this a good movie but I did enjoy the experience overall.

This movie requires Pretty Little Liar Rules. Lately, I’ve been binge watching Pretty Little Liars, which is a fun show to watch…unless you start asking logical questions. Those questions will only make you will realize it’s terrible and have to stop watching.

So, I tried not to think “Why does Harley have a bat and everyone else has machine guns, yet she’s kicking as much ass as they are?”

Or “Why does no one notice that Harley has a phone even though it’s super close quarters? In fact, if they brought the Squad all of their old stuff, why aren’t everyone’s phones in those boxes?”

Or better yet, “Why would anyone think that falling in love with someone possessed by an anciet deity would be OK? It would make more sense if the guy was already in love with Dr. Moone and then she got possessed.” If you want to watch this movie, don’t ask yourself questions like this.

Will Smith spends the entire movie being Will SmithTM. Will is a bonafide movie star and he’s done some great work over the three decades he’s been acting. That said, he often plays Will SmithTM–from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air to Bad Boys to Men in Black. For this movie, Will SmithTM also had a great shot. If I had my choices, Will Smith would not be in this movie. I think actors only get one bite at the superhero apple. So when he played Hancock, that was it for him. The only exception is Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool.

This was Harley Quinn’s movie. Deadshot was the protagonist but Harley had all of the scenes. I get it. Harley is such an incredibly interesting character–equal parts insane, child-like, naive, sex kitten, and maniacal. She looks like a pin-up and sounds like a gun moll. She calls Batman “Batsie” for God’s sake!

People want a Harley Quinn standalone movie? This could be it if they took out some Deadshot’s scenes and dialogue and added a couple more from Harley.

Harley Quinn needs her own show. And it should probably be on Netflix if you want it to be as balls to the walls as this character should be.

There will be a lot of think pieces about Harley Quinn’s feminism. Don’t read them. Harley is not a feminist. Wonder Woman is definitely a feminist. Lois Lane is a feminist. Supergirl is probably a feminist. Catwoman is probably not a feminist. Harley Quinn is a psychotic mental patient with delusions and homicidal tendencies. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

This movie will try to convince you that a half naked Harley being simultaneously lusted over and physically abused by the prison guards is hot and/or necessary to story. It’s not. The movie thinks we’ll be OK with this because clearly Harley is capable and willing to kill all of them. I wasn’t. All I could think about are the atrocities she probably endures off camera because she is both a mental patient and a sex object. Which reminded me of the last season of Orange is the New Black. Which made me want to go take a shower.

What is Morgan Tookers doing in this movie?

Overall, the character development in this movie is nearly nonexistent. This is understandable because there are literally 424 characters in this movie. They only focused on four or five of them.

I thought Diablo’s fire visualizations were interesting. Firestarters can be boring on screen because it’s the same thing over and over again. But the fire in the palm of the hand bit was done really well here.

This was not Will and Margot’s first movie together. They starred in Focus, which is a decent heist movie to watch on Netflix on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

I don’t get the hype around Cara Delevingne, as a model or an actor. She has always looked like a baby head on an adult body to me. She looks like a drunk baby that’s been out all night smoking weed and making out with Michelle Rodriquez. Now it’s the next morning, you’ve got an early Gymboree thing, and she’s still high on molly so she’s pissy.

Croc is the Jar Jar Binks of this movie. It’s like someone asked the writers of the Klu Klux Klan newsletter to draw the most racist cartoon possible of a black man and then threw crocodile skin on it. Then the writer/director looked it over and said “This is great. He’s wearing a velour tracksuit? Perfect. All he wants is a chicken sandwich and BET in his cell? Awwwwwsome. Oh wait, you’ll have to take out the part about him not being able to swim because his bones are too dense. This is gonna be a crocodile man.”

Why was Will Smith dressed like a 70s pimp in the scene where he is brought in by Batman? It was only 9 months earlier. (Nevermind. Pretty Little Liars Rules.)

Jared Leto was in the movie just long enough for me to hate his grill and his hair.

Ben Affleck was in this movie just long enough for me to remember that Ben Affleck ruins movies.

This was playing at the Alamo Drafthouse before the movie. Watch it. Think about it. Report back.

The post Some Ridiculous and Random Thoughts on The Suicide Squad appeared first on Princess Jones.

Worth A Thousand Words

Here’s the thing: I’m pretty bad at taking pictures. I’m awkward. I’m stiff. I find the whole idea that someone–even if I’m paying them–would think to take a photo of me. So my pictures tend to turn out really weird.

Usually, my pictures look a lot like this:

Yes, I actually change race and gender when I take photos. That’s how terrible I am at this.

But recently, someone took a picture of me that looked like this:

This is exactly who I am. This is pretty much what you get if you meet me in person. And how did this miracle happen? Kirsta Schnur Photography.

Krista is a professional. She made me look just like myself. . . only way better. I’m an awkward picture taker. But Krista really broke down my walls and made me feel comfortable. I’d recommend her to ANYONE.

Book her.

Book her now.

You can thank me later.

The post Worth A Thousand Words appeared first on Princess Jones.

Busting Ghosts and Whatnot

When I was about eight or nine years old, I had a burgeoning friendship with a little Chinese girl that lived in my apartment complex. Her mother was the live-in apartment manager. When my mother was at work, we would get locked out of our apartment a lot and so we’d have to go knock on their door to be let in.

Truthfully, I don’t know if my good friend–whose name I seem to forget–was Chinese. In the late eighties in Mississippi, we thought Asia and China were the same thing. There was North China, Other China, and New China. But it was all China.

And, no I didn’t ask her about her background. She didn’t speak English very well. She had about five to six words down and we had to act out the rest.

Also, this little girl was about three years younger than me. Three years is nothing now but at that age, she was practically a fetus compared to an ancient nine year old. I’d lived. I’d seen the world. I could ride a bike without training wheels.

So let’s recap what I just told you: I was good friends with someone who I was too old to be friends with. She and I did not speak the same language. In fact, I didn’t even bother to find out what country she was actually from. So what was holding together this relationship, you ask?

A VHS tape of Ghostbusters.

I really, really liked that movie. And this was before Netflix and On-Demand. If you wanted to watch something over and over again, you either bought the VHS tape or you taped it while it was on TV. So the fact that this little girl basically had 24-hour access to this movie made her the ideal friend for me.

I would go over her apartment and play for a few minutes with her baby toys and then casually say “Hey, do you want to watch Ghostbusters?” That’s right, I’d invite her to play her own damn tape.

Fortunately, Ghostbusters was one of the five words we knew in common. She would put in the tape and we’d watch quietly as Slimer slimed and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man demolished New York. And then I’d go home.

Don’t Be Walter Peck

I really, really love the original Ghostbusters movie. I’ve watched all of the sequels. I’ve watched most of the Ghostbusters cartoons. And I’ll probably go see the new Ghostbusters movie this weekend. At the time I’m writing this, the new movie isn’t even out yet but everyone already hates it. I don’t get it. I like Melissa McCarthy just fine. Kristen Wiig is generally funny. And I don’t hate Leslie Jones the way so many of you seem to. I’m not saying it will be a great movie. I just don’t understand why we have to hate it before we’ve seen it.

I’m at the age when the world is mining my youth for new movies. I’m not here to argue about whether new movies are better than old ones. That’s really not the point. But I am kinda tired of hearing my peers complaining about the existence of remakes or reboots at all.

Remakes are not new. It’s what the movie business does. Some remakes are amazing. There’s no way I would have ever been exposed to the original Cape Fear. It was made 20 years before I was born and in black and white. But I connected with the remake and it’s one of my favorite movies. And how many times have I watched Batman’s parents die? A million times! They reboot superhero movies every six to ten years and no one complains. If a new cast, writer, and director can bring something new to the material, what’s the real problem?

You know those new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies that are making a billion dollars every few years? I can’t watch them. They don’t mesh with my memories of TMNT as a kid. I didn’t watch the remake of Footloose, either. And that Karate Kid remake with Jayden Smith? Someone offered me a free advanced ticket when it came out. I declined. That’s right, I declined to see it for free.

But those remakes didn’t actually take anything from me. I can still watch my originals if I think they are better. I didn’t actually lose anything because someone made a reboot of a movie for a new audience. I don’t need to be upset or protest anything. No one did anything to me.

Those movies weren’t made for me. Those movies were for people who don’t have any attachment to the old ones. Who am I to deny a kid the joy of My Little Pony just because they weren’t old enough (or even born yet) to enjoy it the first go round?

You guys do what you want but I refuse to be the Walter Peck of the movie, hating on something just because I don’t understand it or I’m not in control of it.

You know, it’s interesting that the entire movie the Ghostbusters were really careful not to cross streams. It was practically a commandment. And in the end, the only way to win was to do the one thing they’d been told was taboo. There’s a lesson somewhere in that.

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#FreeStevie

Now that July has officially started, people are already filling up my inboxes with questions about what I want for my birthday. Listen guys, I am will be 36 years old this year and therefore I don’t need you to buy me anything. If I want something, I’ll just order it off of Amazon and pay for it myself.

BUT…I do have one teeny tiny request: somebody please free Stevie Wonder.

Y’all have seen Stevie running around here with his hairline all the way back behind his ears. In tuuurrrrible hand me down shirts. On stage doing ridiculous tributes to the Purple One on stage next to a caterwauling Madonna.And he doesn’t know anything about any of it.

His people will book Stevie on damn near anything. They don’t even tell him about it. They just drive him over to the local Piggly Wiggly, stand him up on stage, and say “Go on and sing, Stevie.” Stevie Wonder has fifteen hundred kids and only knows about two of them. Whoever he has around him has been stealing his money and his sperm.

Stevie Wonder is a goddamned cultural icon. He’s a musical genius. He has 22 Grammys. He is one of five people to ever win a Grammy for Album of the Year more than once. He is at least half the reason that we don’t have to go to work on Martin Luther King’s birthday. Stevie Wonder used to look like this:

And now he looks like this:

Y’all save Stevie. Please.

Somebody go get Stevie and take him over to Smokey Robinson’s house. (They can’t live far from each other. Why would they?) Then go get Lionel Richie and ask him what to do. He seems to know stuff. He had that video where he was stalking the blind girl making a sculpture of his face. He knows about blind people. Call him.

And Diana Ross. Call Diana Ross. Ask Diana Ross to get her hair together and drive over to Smokey Robinson’s house and help us figure out what to do with Stevie Wonder. And if she acts like she doesn’t want to do it, tell her that it was probably Stevie that told her to go solo and leave the Supremes do-whopping on their own. She owes Stevie.

You know what??? Somebody call Tina Turner.

I know her number is unlisted and she will act like she doesn’t know who Stevie Wonder is–because she seems like just the type of chick to pretend she doesn’t remember people–but call her anyway. She went from Nutbush to Hollywood to getting her ass kicked by Ike Turner to the Thunderdome to Switzerland. And she had the nerve to get herself a little accent in the process. But Tina Turner knows how to get shit done. She knows what a good makeover can do for someone. She’ll cut them struggle locs right off of Stevie and get him a spiky wig or something.

So that’s it. Somebody go get Stevie and take him over to Smokey’s house. Get Diana and Lionel to come over to keep him company until y’all can book him on a flight to Switzerland. Tina Tuner will pick him up from the airport and take it from there.

That’s all I want for my birthday, guys. You have like three weeks. Get on it.

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Nobody Wants to Be Dorothy

I love the Golden Girls. When I was a kid, I’d get a bunch of my Barbies together and make them pretend to be Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia. I’d even line them up along the window and make them do a routine to the theme song. “Thank you for being a friend…Travel down the road and back again…your heart is true…you’re a friend and a confidante…” (Just imagine that being sung off-key by an nine year old as she waves a bunch of raggedy Barbie dolls. Entertaining, huh?)

I still watch Golden Girls. There’s nothing more relaxing on a rainy day than a cup of tea, some Twinkies, and a Golden Girls marathon.

I’d just finished watching one when Hubs came home one night. He plopped down on the couch just as I got the idea of the lifetime.

ME: Hey, I’ve been thinking and we have the perfect amount of people and dogs living in this house to do Golden Girl reenactments. Sugar can be Blanche because she’s kinda slutty. Mama can be Sophia because she’s old and crotchety. I’ll be Rose because I have so many stories and you can be Dorothy because you’re tall.

HIM: [Silent stares at me for a few minutes. Then gets up and walks out of the room without saying a word.]

ME: OK, fine. You can be Blanche. No need to get mad about it.

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Dear Texas Book Festival

I have been meaning to submit to the Texas Book Festival ever since I attended my first one last October. But between ending a series, starting a new one, so many projects for my clients, wrestling with taxes, sleeping, and falling in love again with the delicious camp comedy that is RuPaul’s Drag Race, I just had a lot on my plate this year.

Yesterday, I suddenly realized that the deadline to submit was today. I considered giving up and trying again next year. But then I took a look at the submission requirements and realized I had most of it ready to go—two copies of my latest book The Super Collection, a press kit, etc. And since I live here in Austin, I could just drop it off instead of mailing it. I might be able to make this work, I thought.

I needed a cover letter, though. Maybe if I had started this a couple of months ago, I could write the perfect introduction to my submission, show it to everyone, revise it seventy times, throw it out, and write it again. But I had limited time and even less patience so I just wrote what I meant:

Dear Texas Book Festival,*

Thank you for considering me for the 2016 Texas Book Festival. I am thrilled at the possibility of presenting this year. Please find enclosed a press kit and two copies of my latest work, The Super Collection. It is a compilation of four novels from my series, Super.

You guys probably get a ton of submissions every single year so I am going to make this short—I would make a lovely addition to your 2016 line-up.

I’m a local Austin author so my travel is covered. As an experienced independent author in a world where more and more authors are also entrepreneurs, I have a wealth of business knowledge relevant to this year’s attendees. I’m also a black woman writing superhero fantasy comedy. Essentially, I am a unicorn—a unicorn that wants to come to your festival.

But best of all, I’m funny. My books are funny. And people will get their money’s worth and have a damn good time at my panel.

Sincerely,
Princess Jones

P.S.—No, seriously. Pick me.

It was unabashedly, authentically me. So if they pick me, at least they know what they’re getting.

Mission Kinda Sorta Possible

This morning, I had to work onsite for a client so I threw my documents and my books into a bag. Between meetings, I hunted around the office for a box no one would miss. I finally conned someone in the mailroom into giving me a leftover box. Then, I fought traffic all the way downtown to the Texas Book Festival headquarters.

I got lost a few times—once in the car and twice while walking along Bezos Street searching for the building. I paid for parking. I got accosted by a homeless man wanting gum and cigarettes. (I had neither.) I bothered a valet trying to park cars, but I only asked him for directions, not gum or cigarettes. I almost gave my submission to an architectural firm that most definitely was not interested in my book. But they told me I was in the right building. I took the elevator up to the second floor and walked through the open door marked “Texas Book Festival.”

And then, nothing.

The entryway was empty. I couldn’t hear any talking or movement inside. “Hello?” I called out in my I’m-Swear-I’m-Not-A-Stalker voice. I took a few more steps into the office, silently calculating what the Texas jail sentence might be for misdemeanor trespassing. (Lethal injection, obviously.) And that’s when a lovely young woman came out to greet me. “Is that a submission?” I gave her a mute nod. She took the box from me and told me to have a nice day.

I took the elevator back down to the first floor, found my way back to the parking garage, fought traffic home, ripped off my sweaty bra, stuffed a pina colada flavored popsicle in my mouth, and greeted my dogs. Now it’s time for the waiting game.

But while I wait, I write.

*I might have changed this since I don’t actually need to address the festival. But “Hi, there” made for a terrible title.

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Some Random Thoughts on Captain America: Civil War

I saw Captain America: Civil War last night and I have some thoughts on it. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should get off of this page right now. Spoilers lie again, my friend.

No, seriously, spoilers are coming after the jump. So you should stop scrolling.

Still here? Well I can’t stop you. Here we go:

I have not seen any other Captain America movies. I find him and Superman very similar in that there’s nothing really interesting about him. He doesn’t have the duality of light and dark that I like in most of my superheroes.

Also, I have a vague feeling that Captain America wouldn’t save me if I needed help. He’s supposedly technically a hundred years old. Which makes me think that he’s probably racist. Not like burn-a-cross-on-your-lawn racist but probably-would-call-me-colored-and-ask-if-I’m-afraid-of-dogs racist. You know, old people racist.

The actor who plays Captain America looks a lot like an old supervisor of mine who was a lazy, lying sack of shit. He took me into a room once and told me that everyone hates me because I’m loud and talk too much. Which is probably true but, still, fuck him.

I thought I’d be on Ironman’s side of the war. I wasn’t.

I’ve never really loved Spider-Man but I LOVE this iteration of Spider-Man. Of course Spider-Man is always young but I love when they let him be a young kid. I am officially excited for the upcoming Spider-Man movies.

Marissa fucking Tomei!!! I’m officially DOUBLE excited for the upcoming Spider-Man movies.

I think an action movie isn’t an action movie unless there are big explosions, lots of fight scenes, and lots of killer one liners. Civil War definitely brought it all to the party. This was especially apparent because I was watching *Lucy* earlier in the day and it was TERRIBLE. It was an action movie that didn’t quite know whether it wanted to stretch to become a drama, and so it did neither very well. Thank goodness for Civil War because it cleaned that bad taste out of my mouth.

They really gave Ant Man some love in this one and I thought they handled him really well for a character that doesn’t always get much respect. I hope DC handles Aquaman just as well in the upcoming Justice League movies.

I cheered when Black Panther appeared on the screen. I literally cheered in the theater as a grown woman in her mid thirties.

It’s interesting that both Batman V Superman and Civil War started with incidents in Africa. I wonder why. Something about it is strange.

When Captain America fucked up Ironman’s suit, how did Ironman get home from the remote arctic destination they were fighting in?

How come superheroes have such parental issues? It’s always about somebody’s dead mama and daddy. Now I want a full list of all the superheroes that had good childhoods and their parents died of old age at the appropriate time.

I still have this fascination with these actors that signed up to be Marvel characters like five years ago and therefore are included as bit parts in some of these bigger movies. I wonder how long they were on set. I wonder if they were really happy to be a part of this or if it was an annoyance.

Stay until the end of the credits. It’s cute and it will make you even more excited for the upcoming Spider-Man movies.

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Fear, Confidence, Lying, and Using What You’ve Got

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” I wasn’t privy to the actual moment she said it but I assume she was probably high at the time. That sounds like exactly the type of thing you think of when you’re high. That, and why we say our “feet fall asleep” instead of calling it “coma-toes.”

Anyway, whatever Eleanor was smoking, she was right about fear. It’s the scariest thing out there. Fear can have you making the quickest move instead of the smartest move. It can paralyze you, taking away all of your choices altogether. Fear tells you you’re not good enough. It tells you to give up and go eat an ice cream sandwich in bed.

But fear is full of shit. You can’t give it a seat at the table because it will just take up space and waste your time. You just have to know how to deal with it.

Recently, I appeared on the All Indie Writers Podcast to chat about fear and confidence with fellow independent writer, Jennifer Mattern.

Some Disclaimers

– The show notes are on All Indie Writers. Check it out.

– Yes, I sound like a cartoon mouse. No, I was not aware of this before I started appearing on podcasts. No, I can’t do anything about it.

– I am a random person. In any conversation I am likely to get off topic two or three times. This podcast was no exception.

– I had no idea that sometimes people say “fake it until you make it” and they mean to lie about their experience and credentials. I think it means borrow some confidence or style until you feel you have earned it. If I’ve ever said “fake it until you make it” to you, I did not mean for you impersonate a government official to get what you want. I take no responsibility in that. You’re on your own there.

– No, I don’t know how to pronounce words. [shrugs] Deal with it.

OK, Have At It

Ready? OK, here it is:

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Some Ridiculous Thoughts on Batman V Superman

I saw Batman V Superman last week. SPOILER ALERT: I liked it. Maybe it was because the reviews lowered my expectations significantly. Or maybe I’ll watch anything with Batman in it. Or maybe I just had enough margaritas to like just about anything by the end of the night. [SHRUGS] It doesn’t really matter. But I did have a few thoughts on it:

I’m about to go against every feminist bone in my body right now. I can’t even believe I’m going to type this. [DEEP BREATH] Lois Lane needs to sit down somewhere. You can not be in a public relationship with the most famous superhero in the world and just casually go meet up with the leader of a terrorist group. You can’t be on the front page of the Daily Planet kissing Superman and just wander around at night like it’s no issue. You will always be a pawn anytime if someone wants to get at Superman. And Superman is never gonna let you just die, so you’re always a distraction. So, why not actually take care of yourself, keep a low profile, and STOP putting him danger? In fact, I don’t think Superman’s weakness is kryptonite. I think it’s Lois Lane.

We must just love to see Batman’s parents die. In fact, I saw this at the Alamo Drafthouse and they had a great little piece before the movie where it showed Batman’s parents dying simultaneously on eight different panels…. And then that movie started and we saw them die again.

I really, really hate Ben Affleck’s face and I’ve hated the idea of him being Batman from the moment it was announced. That said, he wasn’t terrible. He makes a better Bruce Wayne than Batman, though. But that voice he uses in the suit… why?

Was Lex Luthor supposed to be insane? Autistic? On drugs? He had a Joker vibe I didn’t understand or need. The actor played Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. So I felt like I was watching Mark Zuckerberg as Lex Luthor as the Joker.

The were a lot of dream sequences. In fact, there was a dream sequence INSIDE of a dream sequence. Not sure they did much for the movie, either.

Gotham and Metropolis are supposedly right next to each other. Sure.

For being a movie titled about a battle between two superheroes, there was only one actual fight. I will say that the actual battle between Superman and Batman was really enjoyable. It also reminded me of really, really specific gay porn.

Wonder Woman had a bigger presence than I thought she would. In general, I liked her portrayal. I never really got into her but if they can make her a fully realized character I’d love it. I also enjoyed all the other superheroes getting a little show–Aquaman, Flash, and Cyclops. It made me excited for the upcoming Justice League movies.

I wonder about those tertiary characters though. Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Jason Momoa–how many day did they have to shoot. If you’re Diane Lane and you agreed to be Superman’s mama a long time ago, are you pissy that you have to come shoot for a week for a Superman/Batman movie or are you ecstatic about it? This is probably why people don’t want to watch movies with me. I really care about how the sausage gets made.

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Get Supervised

The last book in the Super series is finally here:

Audrey Hart has been a Super all of her life. Even with her underwhelming powers, incessant procrastination, and neverending laziness, she has somehow managed to hold onto her Super license all of these years. But after her latest brush with authority, the Council has assigned her supervised probation under the highest ranking Super in her district, Nathaniel Kane.

Audrey has never worked with another Super before. Between Nathaniel’s 107-point action plan and his ambitious vision for their district, Audrey doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. And if he doesn’t like her progress, she skips from supervised probation to permanent punishment. Can Audrey save her district and save herself at the same time?

Supervised covers what happens during Audrey’s probation. It introduces a couple of new characters, one of which is going to get her own series this summer.

Here are the links to get it:

Amazon | Apple | Barnes and Noble | Google Play | Kobo

And remember that if you leave a review, I’ll give you my next book free.

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