Jennifer Sivec's Blog, page 13

I’m not freaking out… Really!

Pretty much the moment after I officially released “Leaving Eva,” I started to FREAK OUT.  The kind of freaking out where you almost need a paper bag and a horse tranquilizer to calm down. 

I wondered: What in the Heck am I doing?!  Who do I think I am? What if nobody reads it?  What if everybody reads it?  My Mom is going to read it and it has the F word in it.  What if it really really really sucks?  What if it doesn’t suck?  Now everyone will know something about me that they didn’t know before!  Why in the world would I do this? What if everyone absolutely HATES it?

I think I paced my bedroom, almost unpublished it, almost threw myself out of the window… then I called someone close to me who’s done this a few times before.  She told me that it was perfectly normal to freak out and that everything was going to be okay. I believed her, I calmed down, and she was right.  Everything was okay.

It was an internal battle to even decide to release my first novel to the world. I thought about just keeping it for myself. I was the only one who had ever laid eyes on the entire manuscript and very few people knew that I even wrote it.  If I had never let it see the light of day, it wouldn’t have mattered.  At least it wouldn’t have mattered to anyone but Me.  When I decided to finish it, to release and share it, I did it because it was something I have always dreamed of doing. There have been numerous unfinished works over the years that I either lost interest in or was too distracted to see through to the end.

But looking back, I don’t think that life had taught me enough about patience or perseverance, until now. And I don’t think that anything I would have written prior to this point in my life, would have reflected the depth or substance that it would have needed to be meaningful, to me.  After all, I’ve only ever written for my own benefit.  I knew that I had to be okay with releasing it because I felt good about it, not necessarily because I was convinced that others would love it. It felt strange to want to share it, but I did.  I loved Eva and in a way, she released me. 

While there are people who have read ”Leaving Eva”  and didn’t feel it was for them, there have been others who have read it and it touched them, or it affected them, or it gave them a different perspective. And while it’s not a best seller, and it very well may never be, I have no expectation. With the millions of books in the world, I’m happy every time that one person chooses to read it.  

In two days I will hit “publish” on my second novel, Losing Eva.  This time, there have been a few people who have read it prior to releasing it.  And this time, I feel that it’s not just My book.  It’s Our book.  It belongs to me, Peggy, Kim K, Stacey H, Lisa, Angie, Lara, Rick and Kim, Rogena, Tara, Jeff, and Stacey K.  From the people who helped me with the first novel to the second, this time it’s finished because I’ve had some wonderful friends and family along the way who have supported, encouraged, and advised me along the way.  I’ve been humbled by having so much support on my Facebook page, Twitter account, and my blog~so much more than I ever imagined.

So this time, I’m not freaking out… as much. Reviews will start coming in tomorrow with the start of my blog tour http://wp.me/p3raRE-J3 . And if I said that I wasn’t nervous, I would be lying.  I’m human. I want people to love it, I want it to sell a million copies, I want the reviews to be great.  But if they don’t and they aren’t, then I will be okay with that too. 

I love the story of Eva.  She’s beautiful, strong, flawed, and she’s become someone I am proud of.  If you have the chance to read her, then I hope you will love her too. 

 

Blog Tour for Losing Eva

To celebrate the release of my second novel, Losing Eva, Book Enthusiast Promotions is going to help me out with a Blog Tour! The Tour runs from October 28th through November 1st. You can “Follow” the tour by clicking on the link and then clicking on “Follow Tour.” You could even win an ecopy of the second book in the Eva series from one of the bloggers!!! As a always, thank you so much for your continued support!!

http://wp.me/p3raRE-J3

No Food or Drink Allowed!

One of the downsides of being adopted and having no chance at knowing your history, is also not knowing your medical history.

When I was in my 20s I knew that this would end up affecting me more as I grew older. But as most 20 years olds in the prime of life, I felt the strength and promise of a long life. So, I smoked my Marlboro lights, drank wine, ate lots of red meat, and shelved it for a much later time while I enjoyed my youth. I thought that as I grew old gracefully, blessed with somebody’s Asian genes, my mortality would continue to elude me.

It’s been quite a few years later and unbeknownst to me, mortality has been sneaking up on me for awhile. Since my 20s, I’ve successfully moderated my intake of wine, red meat, and cut out the Marlboro lights. I’ve substituted with chicken and hot tea, but I’ve certainly enjoyed a good steak and a nice bourbon Manhattan on occasion.

But after a recent trip to the Doctor, my mortality has finally caught up with me and in full force.

After telling me about a medical issue that I have that won’t go away. Ever. My Doctor’s instructions were to “lose weight, exercise, cut out fat, carbs, sugar, and alcohol.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Yes! Lose Weight, exercise, cut out fat, carbs, sugar, anything with flour, and alcohol.

Then he handed me a sheet with some “helpful” diet instructions and left the room, I’m guessing before I threw something at him. After all, the tendency is to shoot the messenger, is it not? I read the “helpful” diet sheet and it basically said “no pasta, rice, bread, donuts, cookies, cake, chocolate…” In other words, nothing good to eat… ever!

It was a little overwhelming, to say, the least. And when I consider that there are people who receive MUCH WORSE news from their Doctor than that, it gives the “No (bad) food or (alcoholic) drink allowed” sentence to seem like a walk in the park…

Did I mention that my career for the past 20 years has been in the Hospitality Industry, and that I work around Food and Alcohol everyday??!

I’ve been VERY crabby for the past couple of weeks.

But I’ve eaten a lot of chicken, spinach, romaine lettuce, fish, and wasabi peas, and I haven’t had any alcohol for over a week. I don’t even know if the wasabi peas are all that healthy, but since they don’t contain any carbs, sugar, or alcohol I decided that they were safe. I’ve also eaten a lot of almonds, hummus, and broccoli. And I’ve also lost 4 pounds.

I haven’t fully embraced my new “healthy” lifestyle, but I have a beautiful family that I’d like to grow old with, so I don’t have a choice. My diet wasn’t that horrible to begin with and I didn’t drink alcohol every day. After talking to my Doctor and doing research on my own (I’m not a Doctor, but I play one on the Internet) I’ve discovered that I can have one drink at a time, on occasion. I just shouldn’t have more than one.

The next step is to start working out again regularly, and to gradually change how my family eats as well. With my husband’s family history and now mine, we can finally start creating a picture of what we are passing on to our children. My side of our family history begins with ME. Finally having some information either good or bad, to begin with is at least that… a beginning.

So for now… I have to take a day at a time and stop thinking about all of the things that I can’t have, and start thinking about all of the things that I WILL have by changing my lifestyle.

But I anticipate that I will still end up crabby from time to time. I don’t think I’ll be able to help it. After all, I do still love bourbon, good beer, wine, ice cream, chocolate, and pasta. I just don’t ever see that changing.

Final Blog Day Challenge-Day 31 Why do I blog?

It took me awhile but I’m finally at the end of my blog challenge journey, and it’s bittersweet. Partially because I’m thinking “what in the hell will I blog about now?” and partially because I’m thinking “what will I GET to blog about now!!”

I started blogging as a way to open up, engage with others, and introduce myself to the world. I’m so thankful for those of you who stick with me and read. I know that I’m not especially funny or insightful, but you haven’t deleted me yet, which I take as a positive sign

I spent a few good years, closed off and shut down. So mostly I blog to re-open my own mind- to remind myself that it’s okay to share myself with people. When you close off and never share with anyone, it becomes a simpler life, but assuredly, a lonely one. The transition back into normal life doesn’t happen organically, after you’ve made such an effort to withdrawal. I thought that blogging would help and it has.

I’ve found through this experience, that I really blog for Me. I write to remember that I’m not perfect, and that I am tragically flawed, but that I can still be beautiful. I write to remind myself who I am inside my heart and my soul. I write so that I don’t lose myself to the darkness and to find the light when I need to. I write so that I can breathe. I’m unbelievably thankful that I get to write, blog, and share. I’m humbled by every like and comment. And I’m grateful for the opportunity to share. Every time I blog, I learn or rediscover something that I never knew, or that I’d forgotten. I look forward to the challenge of creating topics on my own to write about and I look forward to sharing them.

I don’t think I will ever be the closed down, isolated woman who I was. Everyone struggles in their own lives, their own way. Writing has helped to save me. It has given me the gift of self-discovery, has been my saving grace, and had reminded me who I am.

Blog Day 30-What’s in my makeup bag?

I posted on my Facebook page recently that I found 9 or 10 lipsticks in my purse.  Right after that, feeling like a hoarder, I took all out but two. Then I didn’t have the color I needed when I needed it!  Sheeeeesh!  I realized then that there is a reason women carry various shades of pink lipstick! You never know which one you will need, or when.

My makeup bag on the other hand, the one I carry in my purse, has waaaaay less inventory than ten lipsticks.  It has a Revlon rewind concealer, one eyeliner, and one eyebrow pencil, one eyeshadow, one cheekers blush, one blush brush, and three or four lipsticks (I just can’t help myself!).  

For regular life, it takes me about seven minutes to do my makeup. For night life, it takes me ten.  I don’t carry the eyelash curler or the mascara, or the tweezers, or the many containers of eyeshadow with me typically.  I just carry the necessities in my makeup bag.

Even the two makeup bags at home is pretty basic, unlike my friend who still has the caboodles from the 80s that she keeps her makeup in .

Now nail polish on the other hand……..

Losing Eva-Excerpt

I just sent the copy of my second book, Losing Eva, out for review. Literally. I just hit “send” one minute ago. It’s been so much fun to tap into and release my inner creativity through writing. I’ve been truly amazed by the amount of support I’ve received from friends and family and overwhelmed by all of the new friends that I’ve been able to make.

I’m excited, nervous, EXCITED!

I thought since I was so excited that I would share an excerpt. I hope you enjoy it and are looking forward to Losing Eva’s release on October 29th, as much as I am.

Adam and Brynn’s journey continues…

“I’m never leaving you again Brynn,” Adam would say to her repeatedly. “I’ll never hurt you again.”

“I want to believe you, Adam.” Brynn was stubborn and her heart had a hard time letting go of the fear. “I want to, but I just don’t.” Adam would try to hold her, and Brynn would stiffen up, pushing him away with her fear.

“Stop pushing me away. You don’t have to push me away anymore.” Adam won out, and he held her close, feeling her heart beating in her chest from the anxiety. “I’ll never abandon you.”

Brynn always felt herself give into the deep, low tone of his voice that she loved so much. She allowed herself to be enveloped in his strong, sturdy arms, but a tiny part of her still wanted to shrink away. She wondered if she would ever stop fighting the happiness he gave her.

20

She had experienced so much loss in life that she had come to expect it. First, her birth parents abandoning her. Then Stacy, her childhood friend who had been killed by her husband’s lover. Then Rose. And now Adam. Brynn finally decided that she would give herself permission to accept Adam’s love, no matter how long she was able to have it.

When she gave in, there was finally peace.

And now they were having a baby together. Brynn was 5 months along, and her belly was nice and round. When Brynn looked at her belly, naked in the mirror, she saw the scars from years of cutting stretched out wide. Some were still painfully visible while others were beginning to fade, but they all still served as a horrific reminder of her painful childhood. The first time she went to have her ultrasound done, Brynn was embarrassed. The technician didn’t even blink twice, and proceeded with ‘business as usual.’ Brynn was grateful.

She knew that she needed to accept the pain from her past and move on in order to be a good mother.

Blog Challenge-Day 29 Where have I travelled…

I was born in South Korea, so I suppose that should be the first stop that I share.

I’ve driven to California and stopped at a lot of the states in between. I’ve been to the Grand Canyon at dawn and stopped at Mount Rushmore to meet the Presidents. I’ve driven down old Route 66, and floated down a river in the Mojave Desert.

In the early-mid 90s I had a little White Ford Festiva, that I affectionately called “The Egg.” The Egg and I, pre-GPS/pre-cell phone, made countless trips from Ohio to Cincinnati, Ohio to Kentucky, Ohio to the Panhandle, Ohio to Key West Florida, and all of the states in between. She and I drove from Florida back to Ohio in a massive Blizzard. She was automatic, basic, and small. But she kept me safe and never left me stranded. I loved that little car, may she Rest in Peace.

I’ve been to Canada a couple of times, pre 9/11. On one occasion, I almost got stranded. I had my Naturalization Papers, but didn’t have my Social Security Card or some other important document that I needed. It was my birthday, so Happy Birthday to Me, they let me come back into the country!

I’ve stopped at the Outer Banks just to sit on a beach, but it was in the middle of a windstorm. I drove the rest of the way home with sand in every part of my body.

I’ve been to Disney World in Florida a few times and a wedding in Las Vegas. I got married in Las Vegas and hung out in Freeport, Bahamas. I’ve been to Ocean City MD, Miami FLA, and Dallas TX. I’ve been to a lot of cities and states in between all of my destinations.

I’ve driven to Illinois and back several times to visit Family, for good times and bad times.

I’ve been to New York City, and fell in love with the City. She took my breath away. If I had travelled there as a younger adult, I would have stayed forever. I loved the energy, the vibrancy, the people. There was something about her that drew me in and I still can’t get her out of my mind.

The majority of my travelling was done pre-Social Media, so my memories have mostly been captured in scattered pictures and the recesses of my mind that can’t always be relied upon. I’m looking forward to days ahead when I can do some travelling again. I want to make memories as a family, and introduce my children to the world. I want them to know that the world is bigger than just our back yard.

The world is an amazing place, and I’ve loved every new experience that I’ve had in it. I can’t way to do it again.

Modern love

Reblogged from Cristian Mihai:

In my lifetime the world has changed rapidly. The world is evolving faster each day. And every aspect of our lives changes according to this new world, according to our vision of the world.

Love, or the way we perceive it, has changed as well. Some say that we have grown to enjoy being alone, that we enjoy the idea that technology can imitate real interaction.

Read more… 437 more words

Beautifully said

Blog Challenge-Day 28 What I’m looking forward to…

We are always looking forward to various events or milestones in our lives. We can’t wait until we have the perfect job, the perfect love, or are happy, or rich, or married, or have kids etc. We are so busy looking forward to moments in our life that we often bypass the moments that are right in front of us.

I’ve often heard that Happiness isn’t a place we get to live in, just a place we get to visit. But through some painful moments in my life, I’ve learned that happiness is a place in our own mind. If we pause to see where we really are, instead of where we think we want to be, we may realize that happiness is directly in front of us. Happiness and contentment are there every day in the simplest of moments.

Yesterday I met a teenage boy, Patrick, with Downs Syndrome. When I met him, I smiled and he smiled back at me. Then much to my surprise he blew me a barrage of kisses. In that one moment, my heart exploded with pure happiness. A sweet boy who was living in his moment, was blowing kisses at me. I don’t know how I could have been anything but happy. Patrick’s gesture was meant to be innocent, sweet, and beautiful, with a touch of mischieviousness~and it was all of that and more.

I’m so happy that I didn’t miss it.

I’ve learned that I can look forward to the most insignificant moments every day. Whether it’s grocery shopping or cooking breakfast with one or both of my sons, cuddling with my family (2 boys, 2 adults, 2 dogs) on our regular Queen size bed, or peace and quiet in my car on the way home from work. If I pay close enough attention~I won’t miss those moments. I try to keep myself open to the moments that take me by surprise, that catch me off guard, and take my breath away.

So I look forward to the tiny moments. And I am so truly thankful for them, so much that I don’t need too much more.

Blog Day Challenge Day 27-My favorite recipe

I enjoy cooking. I’m not much of a baker, and can’t bake to save my life. With cooking, there is a little more freedom to experiment. My favorite recipe is one that I found on Cooks.com for Chicken Parprikash. I love making the homemade dumplings and usually double the recipe, especially when my in laws are coming over. When I’m rushed for time, I’ll buy a chicken that is already roasted and just debone it, which works out just as well. I also like to use a little fresh garlic in the recipe as well, and while I use it as a guide, I tend to veer off the recipe more often than not.

The first time that I ever made it, I was really nervous. An Asian woman making Chicken Parikash… . But it turned out great and I’ve been making it ever since. I hope that you enjoy it

CHICKEN PAPRIKASH

—————–

2 c. chicken broth

3 lb. boned, cooked, cubed chicken

1/4 c. butter

med. chopped onion

2 heaping tsp. paprika

1 c. sour cream

2 tbsp. flour

Noodles

DUMPLINGS:

3 beaten eggs

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 c. evaporated milk

1 1/2 c. flour

Brown chicken in butter; remove and set aside. Add onion to

butter and cook until tender. Add paprika and salt and

pepper to taste. Return chicken to skillet and add broth.

Cover and simmer 20-30 minutes.

Blend flour with a little water then blend into chicken. Add

sour cream to paprikash and heat slightly. Serve over

noodles or dumplings.

To prepare dumplings: Combine eggs, milk and salt. Stir into

flour. Drop by teaspoons into boiling salted water. Cook 5

minutes after they float.

Serves 4-6.