Adam Thomas's Blog, page 15
December 15, 2017
the unintentional post
I was struggling with a post topic this time around. A few ideas were drafted, but nothing grabbed my attention. Besides, it is the week before Christmas. Nothing will grab anyone’s attention.
I considered a post about socks. Yes, socks. My daughter loves graphic designed socks. And, they are great gift ideas. But for me, socks are all about function and, uh, that’s it. Nothing there.
My snow blower is broken. Of course it started snowing – every day, mind you. The good thing is I love to shovel. Wasn’t feeling that topic either – no good angle. I originally planned that idea for a January post. We’ll see. Nothing there now.
Then, the unintentional happened.
Every Monday I work late. Fortunately, Monday morning is the ONLY time everyone in the household is gone. Translation: office time. Unfortunately, this week I was scheduled in the morning during office time. Did I mention it’s the week before Christmas? I had a lot to do. And, I really needed my office time. Needless to say, I was cranky. However, I managed to rearrange my ‘to do’ list accordingly. Remember, I do damage control rather well.
Monday night I had four stores to hit – all in close proximity to each other. Correction five. My wife requested an additional stop. Begrudgingly, I agreed. Oh, did I mention she had coupons? Yeah.
At my first stop, I was found by an employee as I wandered the establishment, then handed the store phone. Are you fucking kidding me? It was my wife informing me that even though the coupons were expired, the store would still honor them. Once again - Are you fucking kidding me?
At my second stop, I saw a former fellow employee. She stated she had just come from the funeral service for another former employee’s teen aged daughter. Apparently, this girl was born without an enzyme and, well, you can imagine the struggle the family endured. The father was a good dude – we celebrated Corduroy Day back in 2011 – (11-11-11). The family moved away years ago seeking more specialized health care. Alas, we lost touch. Their roots were here, though. So it was decided this is where the service would be held.
I checked the time. She apparently knew what I was thinking and told me that I could probably still make the viewing if I hurried. I wanted to be there. I haven’t had a sense of urgency like that for, like, ever. I abandoned my remaining errands (and expired coupons) and drove to the funeral home. Suddenly, my want quickly shifted to a need. I felt horrible for the loss and just wanted to express my condolences. I was consumed by grief.
By the time I arrived, though, everyone was gone. I sat in the empty parking lot, contemplating options. Sadly, there were none. My opportunity was lost. Now, a sympathy card and/or awkward social media generated message will be sent. It’s just not the same.
I entitled this as I did because it was not intended to be written. Some things are not intended to happen either.
The post the unintentional post appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
December 8, 2017
nice one, Dad
Oh, sheet!
With the onslaught of holiday parties and family gatherings over the next few weeks, jokes will be told. Hell, jokes NEED to be told. Holiday parties and family gatherings can be painful. Joke telling breaks the proverbial ice. Actually, the alcohol is what really gets things started. After that, everything is funny – even the dreaded dad joke.
I’ve been a dad for twenty years and never heard of the term until recently. No surprise there – I rarely get out. And, if I’m hosting an event, I’m usually in the kitchen. It works for me. Bonus – I’ve never had any of my children say the words, ‘nice one, Dad’.
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
dad joke (noun) - an unoriginal or unfunny joke of a type supposedly told by middle-aged or older men. That’s me – unoriginal, unfunny, AND middle-aged.
a true dad joke is provoked by his kids’ behavior or a question, often making fun of their kids for being whiny and needy. More often than not, the parents are much more needy than their children, yielding a whole new meaning to – the jokes on them, eh?
a dad joke is not the answer the kid wanted, but it’s the truth. People just ‘can’t handle the truth’.
Dad jokes are knowing. As far as I’m concerned, this is way too analytical for a dad joke.
The key component of the dad joke is not answering the question or answering with nebulous misdirection. I have no idea what ‘nebulous’ means, but I’m thinking it could explain some things. And, trust me, I’m reminded every day about ‘misdirection’ .
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
http://niceonedad.com/
Of course there’s a website. Why wouldn’t there be? But, hey, it’s fun. The majority of dads get no respect, so let them have something. Penning good material is hard. And, the audience can be even harder. If you’re going to attempt the party stand up routine – Be prepared.
“Sometimes a joke will just float into my head, fully formed, as though someone’s whispered it in my ear (note: not in a creepy way).”
Most times, they don’t. So, what’s a dad supposed to do? My first and only thought would be to – Shut the fuck up. Rarely do people listen though. Just because I strive to present my blog randomness with the utmost completeness, I searched for ways to take an awful joke idea and make it into an even awfuller joke. According to How to Build a Joke, Demetri Martin dissects the art of building the one-liner. These tips help even the worst comic ‘wanna dad’ to ultimately get … the last laugh.
taking an idea about something that is funny, yet uncertain on how to articulate it
identify the elements of the joke and ponder how those elements go together
to perform the joke, add another layer - drawings, props
“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.”
The post nice one, Dad appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
December 1, 2017
The Christmas ‘pickle’
The Legend of the Pickle -
The Christmas pickle is not really a pickle at all, it is a pickle-shaped ornament. A very old Christmas Eve tradition in Germany was to hide a pickle (ornament) deep in the branches of the family Christmas Tree. The parents hung the pickle last after all the other ornaments were in place. In the morning they knew the most observant child would receive an extra gift from St Nicholas. The first adult who finds the pickle traditionally gets good luck for the whole year. It says that Germans hang a pickle-shaped glass ornament on the Christmas tree hidden away so it’s difficult to find. The first child to find it on Christmas morning gets a special treat or extra present.
Rumor and speculation place the origin of the tradition in Germany. However few in modern-day Germany recognize or have even heard of the Christmas pickle. Regardless of where it came from, the Christmas tradition survives and is a fun and great family tradition worth sharing. Ornament manufacturers continue to make the specialty ornaments and enjoy sharing this legend and its origins regardless.
https://www.whychristmas.com/customs/christmaspickle.shtml
I was given my pickle years ago, totally oblivious to the tradition. Honestly, I think I read the enclosed card describing the legend, but discarded the relevance. I had just received a fun gift from someone unexpectedly – I was totally enamored by the thought. Since my children were young, I kept the ornament out of reach. Besides, it was mine. That sounds a bit selfish, but as a parent, few things are about us. So, when something like a pickle ornament makes you smile every time you see it… . Well, you hide it from your children.
Recently, a Bronner’s catalog was delivered to our house. For those who don’t know, Bronner’s IS the be all, end all of everything that is Christmas – especially ornaments. Moreover, it’s located in one of those ‘cute’ Michigan towns with a German heritage named Frankenmuth that is on every ‘must see’ geriatric tourist bus trip. Anyway, I was flippin through the catalog and stopped when I came to the page highlighing their pickle ornament. I smiled.
In general, I’m not a ‘tradition’ dude. My blog has a few ‘annual’ elements, but those have a purpose. And, it’s all me. When others, especially family, are included in, well, anything planned, a different kind of ‘pickle’ inevitably results. Individual expectations about what said family tradition is and means differ. Rarely are those views shared. So, something that is supposed to be fondly remembered turns into something that everyone wants to immediately forget.
Over the years, I have continued with my original decorating concept, embracing my tradition – subtle pickle placement in a ceramic basket with other similarly themed ornaments. Still out of reach – from everyone. Truthfully, I’m not even sure if anyone in my household is even aware of the folklore. So, for me, that’s one legacy I hope prevails.
It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas
Deck the halls with boughs of … pickles?
The post The Christmas ‘pickle’ appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
November 26, 2017
Cyber Monday, Monday
Monday, Monday, …
Cyber Monday is a marketing term for the Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday in the United States. The term “Cyber Monday” was created by marketing companies to persuade people to shop online. The term was coined by Ellen Davis and Scott Silverman, and made its debut on November 28, 2005.
Apparently, “77 percent of online retailers said that their sales increased substantially on the Monday after Thanksgiving.” This annual trend fueled the concept of Cyber Monday. Since then, online retailers have shifted into marketing overdrive.
… so good to me
The deals on Cyber Monday are online only and generally offered by smaller retailers that cannot compete with the big retailers.
Cyber Monday is larger for fashion retail. On the past two Cyber Mondays, there were an average of 45% more clothing deals than on Black Friday.
There were also 50% more shoe deals on Cyber Monday than on Black Friday.
Cyber Monday has become an international marketing term used by online retailers across the world.
Observed by – Australia, United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Brazil, Bulgaria, Romania, South Korea, Portugal, Uganda, Germany, UAE, Egypt, Netherlands, Finland, Chile, Columbia, Peru, Japan, and Argentina
Germany has Cyber Monday Week - 8 days of online savings
Ironically, only 7 of these countries celebrate Thanksgiving usually in October.
But Monday mornin´, Monday mornin´ couldn’t guarantee
However, UPS, FedEx and USPS can - #we love logistics.
FREE SHIPPING – This is what seals the deal for me. Going to the Post Office anymore is so frustrating. And expensive. The lines are insane. But, on any given online site you can have one ‘cartload’ and ship to three different addresses with the click of a fuckin’ button. “Absolutely, positively”, baby!
Monday, Monday, can´t trust that day
So what does this Cyber Monday shit mean to me? Don’t worry – I will not get all mushy and reflective here. First of all, I hate that stupid word – reflect. Ugh! Second, any compassion I may have had once was sucked out long ago by working retail. Imagine that! Lastly, the answer is simple - book sales. That’s what Cyber any day of the year means to me. So, in the spirit of giving and to commemorate this online world we have become, click those book icons to the right. Please?!
Mama needs a new pair of 50% off shoes
Monday, Monday, it´s here to stay
The post Cyber Monday, Monday appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
November 21, 2017
Thanks-Wiig-ing with Adele?
Just like Vidalia Onion Pie is a menu staple, Adele has become an Adam Thomas Thanksgiving tradition. Well, the Adele themed skit from SNL. However, not everyone likes onions. So, I decided to include an alternate viewing option. Think of it as the annual marital ‘discussion’ (note: sarcasm) about who to spend the holidays with – parents
or in-laws.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/kristen-wiigs-thanksgiving-monologue/3428576?snl=1
Happy Thanksgiving!
Gobble, gobble!
The post Thanks-Wiig-ing with Adele? appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
November 15, 2017
Vidalia Onion Pie
Thanksgiving is next week – crazy how quickly time flies in the fall. Since I love to cook, I decided to include a ‘staple’ from my holiday table menu. Haven’t posted a recipe in quite some time. This one is worth the wait, though. If you like onions, that is.
Vidalia Onion Pie
1 1/2 cups finely crushed buttery crackers
6 tablespoons unsalted butter – room temperature
2 cups thinly sliced Vidalia onions
3/4 cup whole milk
2 eggs
3/4 cup grated sharp cheddar cheese
salt/pepper or favorite all-in-one seasoning type to tasteMix crackers and 4 tablespoons butter until blended. Press into bottom and sides of 8-inch pie pan.
Melt remaining butter in cast iron skillet with salt/pepper. Saute onions until tender, then arrange onions over cracker crust.
Beat milk and eggs until smooth consistency, then pour over onions. Sprinkle cheese over mixture.
Bake in oven preheated to 350 for 35 minutes or until nicely browned.Recipe courtesy of Traverse Magazine reprinted from Nov 1992 issue of Bon Appetit.
I love onions. My grandmother used to eat them raw. Me, I just saute – in my cask iron skillet, of course. That smell is amazing. It brings perspective to the otherwise daunting task of meal preparation.
(Pause)
I really have nothing else to say about onions. However, I will close with a parting thought/challenge - Ponder the complexity that is the onion.
Enjoy!
The post Vidalia Onion Pie appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
November 8, 2017
contributing to the delinquency of my minors
I AM a bad influence on my children. This time, I blame my mother NOT retail. Go figure, eh? I’m sure if I thought real hard I could somehow angle it to blame retail, but for now – it’s all Mom. Since I’m already #WANTED, this altercation should come as no surprise.
popcorn just doesn’t cut it
I love dessert – especially when watching movies. Moreover, I love going to the movie theater. I usually wait to see first run films for a few weeks because crowded theaters really suck. Everyone has their own agenda AND it usually doesn’t correspond with mine – watching the movie in quiet without distraction.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/saturday-night-news-segment—movie-critic/n9321
Also, retail hours and parenting schedules dictate accordingly. So when I finally get to go to the theater, I want to go on my terms. Deciding what treat I want is a crucial part of the master plan. Furthermore, I can honestly guarantee concession will NOT have the dessert I crave on any given visit. Oh, I love coffee, too. If the theater even offers coffee – it’s a Keurig or it has been sitting on the burner since the usher shift began. Five hour old coffee can never, ever be considered ‘Fresh Brewed’.
BYOC, baby
So how does this all come together? It’s me. Seldom does that happen. But, when thinking of creative ways to to get my culinary contraband into the theater without getting stopped by the usher police, I’m that good. Let’s face it, ushers at movies theaters are a different breed. The majority could care less about, well, anything. However, when it comes to smuggling in ‘outside food’ – things change. WARNING: never challenge a theater employee when popcorn or Raisinettes are involved.
a learned behavior
When I was growing up, my mother loved the movies as well. It was cheaper forty years ago. Besides, there were seven of us – she needed something to occupy our time. To keep things affordable, she ‘creatively smuggled’ items into the theater. That woman had talent. And, luggage for a purse. She could fit an entire six pack of pop in her purse. True story. You go, Mom!
my best effort to date
My son and I were going to see some Super Hero movie. I wanted cake. Unfortunately, the cake to-go container was rather cumbersome. And, it needed to remain level. I had the Thermos of coffee hidden, but the cake was … problematic. As we stood in the parking lot, my son had a Flash of Genius. His hoodie. I’m not talkin’ pocket shit either. I’m talkin’ hood. Red Velvet cake was at stake. This was important. I placed the cake container inside the hood of his hoodie. It was perfectly level. All I had to do was adjust the surrounding material to camouflage the contents.
A proud moment in deed!
Opening soon:
Side note: Graydon Carter editor of Vanity Fair tried to smuggle a Starbucks into a theater once. That didn’t go so well. He was mad and penned his ‘discontent’ in a monthly Editor’s Letter of Vanity Fair. Me, I just have this blog. I’m good, though.
The post contributing to the delinquency of my minors appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
November 1, 2017
Oh, my gourd!
Well, this past Saturday (Oct 28, 2017) marked the official end of the annual Farmer’s Market. I’m not that sad, though. I mean I love the thought of going to the Farmer’s Market, but the actually going part is where my issue arises. I blame retail. Trust me, this one is totally legit. One of those ICD-10 PTSD subcategories caused by years of customer service. Translation: I hate people and avoid crowds whenever possible.
Also, I went to college at the University of Iowa. The entire state is practically a farm. In comparison, anything else is kind of a disappointment. However, Traverse City and the surrounding area do this agricultural thing quite well. This ‘farm-to-table’ concept is serious shit. These people know how to farm and like to eat.
brief history:
In July 1806, President Thomas Jefferson bought beef, eggs and assorted vegetables at a Georgetown market. In the first decades of that century, most cities with at least 30,000 people sponsored municipal markets. After the Industrial age, suppliers of food and other goods gathered to retail their wares in broader markets. Trading Posts began the shift toward retailers who sold products other than their own. The General Store contributed to the rift between supplier and customer even more. From there, the downward spiral continued to increase the distance from the farm to the table. That, and the stupid concept of enabling the lazy ass customer.
benefits for communities with farmers’ markets:
help maintain important social ties, linking rural and urban populations
providing outlets for ‘local’ products, farmers’ markets help create distinction and uniqueness
reduced overhead: driving, parking, etc.
better variety of foods – seasonal offerings, organic foods, pasture-raised meats, free-range eggs and poultry, etc.
a place to meet neighbors, chat
a place to enjoy an outdoor walk while getting needed groceries
Evidence seems to show that overall prices at a typical Farmers’ Market are lower than prices at a supermarket.
here’s my beef:
the parking fiasco is a fucking disaster – so dumb.
‘fake’ regulars – you know those people who could give two shits about anything other than telling their friends – “we did the market”. These are the majority of the people Jimmy interviewed.
dogs DON’T belong at a Farmer’s Market. Hell, even friends that are dog lovers agree. Certain people shouldn’t be allowed either, but that’s beside the point. Unfortunately, it’s THOSE people who bring their dogs. Then again, half these dogs are medicated. So, … . #doggie downers
‘erratic’ walking patterns – stopping, then loitering IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALK WAY without notice. “Move to the side, Bitch. Move to the side.”
seasonal doesn’t always co-inside with my menu planning. Translation: I waste a lot.
way too touristy – those matching ‘Traverse City sweatshirts’ are a bit much. Idiots – go get your damn flu shot instead. That’s what every other tourist does when visiting. Or so I’m told.
about the title:
I think it’s hilarious. And appropriate. Gourds are a fall staple, ya know. Besides, I ain’t got nothin’ else.
Happy November!
The post Oh, my gourd! appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
October 25, 2017
Schoolhouse Rock
My daughter was studying the Constitution in history class last week. When she asked me a simple question about the Preamble, I immediately started humming the Schoolhouse Rock rendition.
Yeah, that didn’t go so well. I should stick to singing ‘Carpool Karaoke’ scales. She stopped me cold. “Our teacher gave us the link, Dad,” she snarled, looking at me in a way only teen aged daughter’s can when embarrassed by the mere existence of parents. Luckily, I was able to answer her question. After I was dismissed, I couldn’t get that Preamble tune out of my head. I loved the Schoolhouse Rock shorts. So creative – such good memories. (side note: I was a Saturday morning cartoon slug.)
On the morning of Saturday January 6, 1973, Schoolhouse Rock premiered with a set of three-minute shorts that played between regularly scheduled cartoons: “My Hero, Zero,” “Elementary, My Dear,” “Three is a Magic Number,” and “The Four-Legged Zoo.” Over the next 13 years, those and other episodes of Multiplication Rock, Grammar Rock, Science Rock, and America Rock made things like a beleaguered bill awaiting ratification a cultural touchstone for a certain generation.
(Here’s a) look back on the original run of catchy tunes that are still worth watching.
1. The series was originally called Scholastic Rock. The name was modified when the publishing company Scholastic, Inc. hired a lawyer who insisted they change it.
2. All of the songs were vetted by educational consultants from Bank Street School of Education.
3. The original series run lasted from 1973 to 1985 , ultimately winning four Emmys.
4. The idea for the show first occurred to David B. McCall while vacationing with his family at a dude ranch in Wyoming. His son was struggling with learning the multiplication tables but, had no trouble at all memorizing Rolling Stones lyrics. Upon returning to the office, jazz pianist Bob Dorough composed a jingle about mathematics – “Three is a Magic Number”.
5. In “The Preamble,” all the names in the voting booth are people who worked on the song.
6. The University of Michigan Medical School and Columbia College of Physicians and Surgeons called to ask for ‘Telegraph Line’ to help introduce the nervous system to first-year medical students.
7. The airing of “Three Ring Government” was delayed for several years because executives at ABC were concerned that the FCC and Congress would resent being compared to a circus and threaten their broadcast license renewal.
From what I remember, “Conjunction Function” was a ‘fandom’ favorite, but not one of mine. “Figure Eight” was way overrated. I like the thought of “Interplanet Janet”, but also thought she was kinda … creepy. “Verb” was truly “What Was Happenin’ “. And, “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here” was just fun!
Lastly, I avoid talking politics in this blog for numerous reasons. Hell, I avoid talking politics in general for numerous reasons. But, I did chuckle at the ironic, yet formidable relevance of #7.
LOL, baby.
The post Schoolhouse Rock appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
October 18, 2017
CSI – Traverse City
the perp - Adam Thomas (that’s me)
the accomplice/possible stool pigeon - the maintenance dude- the ONE who will remain nameless
the crime scene - local football field (NOTE – location withheld to protect the innocent)
the crime - trespassing
the plea - I take the Fifth Amendment
the rap sheet -
In my constant quest for physical challenges, … . STOP. Who am I kidding? A quest is noble. I was just bored. … With my current physical routine, that is. Fitness is something to be proud of though, right? Hmm … . Semantics aside, I was in a rut. So, it truly was boredom that motivated me, Adam Thomas, to turn to a life of … crime.
I stumbled upon the local football field by chance. Running stairs/bleaches is the quintessential cardio workout – a guaranteed buns of steel opportunity. My timing was perfect, too. The gate was open. I even asked the maintenance dude for permission. He was more than accommodating. “If the gate is locked,” he said. “Some have been known to find alternative ways of entering.” He paused. “But you didn’t hear that from me.“
Little did I realize what his words would foreshadow.
The first time committing a crime is the hardest. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. And so, it was a Tuesday after school started My Life changed. The gate was locked. Chains barred my access for the first time. I didn’t know what to do. As I looked around, the words ‘alternative ways of entering’ echoed inside my head. Unfortunately, there were no shaded areas to facilitate discretion. There was a Saving Grace. No NO TRESPASSING signs were anywhere to be found.
I considered the alternatives – indoor workout. The decision was simple. But then it always is when tempted with wrong doing. Without hesitation, I passed my water gallon under the fence and hopped over the top. It was easier than anticipated. My Life of criminal misconduct had began.
Weeks of finding ‘alternative ways of entering‘ continued. I was now a repeat offender. Somehow, I knew my time would be limited. And, it was.
One day, I rounded my third set and saw THE car parked on the street. Yeah, THE POLICE had arrived. Not only that, he waited. Fuck. They were on to me. Maybe my accomplice squealed. Bastard. Options needed to be weighed. I walked it off, eyeing potential escape routes. I found one. The fence was low on the other side of the field. Then, I could approach my car from behind after I circled the adjacent block. If asked, I’d play dumb. I do that well. I work retail. Hell, I’d even take the Fifth Amendment. I’s got this.
Before I could proceed, a utility truck parked across the way, blocking my escape route. “Now what?” I cursed, continuing to workout. I needed to focus on what minimal scenarios remained.
Within moments, things changed yet again.
The police car sped off, sirens flashing. The maintenance dude, who will remain nameless, moved to a different location.
I acted fast. I walked briskly to the main gate, slid my water bottle under the fence, and followed in a like manner. Hopping the fence would be too visible an offense. Few have the athletic prowess to complete such an obstacle. I did, though.
Within seconds, I was behind the wheel of my car. On the run once again. As I drove off, I considered less fortunate outcomes. I pondered the repercussions of my actions. I grinned at the irony.
the punishment - life sentence of customer service
The post CSI – Traverse City appeared first on Adam Thomas, RPH.
