L.E. Truscott's Blog, page 27

Project October Writing Journal – Part 7

Day 14

I had an actual job interview today. Not just meeting with a recruiter, an actual job interview. We’ll see where it goes. I can never tell if I do well or not because I’m too busy being nervous to notice. Meeting new people is not my forte. Selling myself is not my forte (I might have sold more books and this whole job search might have been unnecessary if it were). It’s a miracle that I’ve ever been hired before to be honest. (Yep, employer gave recruiter feedback that I seemed nervous. But I’ve gotten to the second interview stage so fingers continue to be crossed.)

I wrote nothing today. I am really struggling with the transition to the new character’s perspective. I didn’t think I would. But he’s been completely one dimensional in his appearances in the novel up until now and I don’t know him as well as I thought I did. At least, I thought his focus was so narrow that he only had one dimension but nobody is like that. Or if they are, they’re not very good characters.

I spent the evening watching TV instead. I mean, all evening. I haven’t done that for months, not since I stopped working full-time and started writing full-time. It’s what I do when I’ve had a hard or bad day at work and just need not to think at all. Hmmm.

Today’s Word Count: 0

Ongoing Tally: 14,402

 

Day 15

I nearly choked to death on a vitamin tablet this morning. (Who says vitamins are good for us?) Instead of swallowing it, I accidentally breathed it and it got lodged in my windpipe. I could hear the air whistling around it as I breathed. It took about five minutes of gagging and retching before it finally came out. Now I am in pain. It feels like I’ve had a tube in my throat and my chest and ribs are really sore. My body did what it was designed to do to get the tablet back up but I think in order to do that there were muscles involved that I don’t normally ever use. I’m exhausted and sore and I don’t feel like writing. Maybe later.

I met with my job agency advisor this morning as well (busy day). It’s been three months since I started looking for work and three months means extra help is offered. I didn’t know what that extra help would be but apparently it is clothes to wear to job interviews and fuel cards to help get to job interviews. Not the kind of help I was hoping for. My advisor called me “an outlier” because he has no experience helping someone like me look for work – he mostly deals with people without any education looking for blue collar work. Why was he assigned to me? I asked if I’d be better off with a different advisor but he said no, everyone else would be much the same. Government-appointed job advisor apparently equals lowest common denominator.

I’m starting to realise that recruitment is a very poor industry for service. They don’t tailor their approach for different types of candidates and often don’t even know enough about the jobs they are trying to fill. I received a phone call today from a recruiter I previously met with who told me I wasn’t going to progress with a job I applied for because the employer was looking for someone with advertising agency experience. But that wasn’t in the job ad. If that had been in the job ad, then I wouldn’t have applied for it. So I’ve wasted hours of my time applying for the job, travelling to the city to meet with the recruiter, meeting with the recruiter, travelling home again and then taking his multiple follow-up phone calls.

I finally started writing and I’ve scrapped everything I wrote on Day 13 but luckily it was only 198 words so I don’t resent it as much as I would if I had written the full daily target. I think I’m finally in this new character’s mindset so the words are coming again. It’s not perfect but that’s not the point of Project October. I just have to keep thinking first draft, first draft, first draft. And that the second draft will be closer to perfect. And the third draft will be closer to perfect again. But I can’t get to the second and third drafts if I never finish the first. So write, dammit, write! And write I did.

Today’s Word Count: 1,158

Ongoing Tally: 15,560

 

Day 16

I’m a person of routines but my routines change frequently. My latest one is to write while listening to the football on the radio. I used to write in complete silence. Then I wrote with classical music playing in the background. Even though I fall into habits, those habits change because I get bored easily so I need to change it up. The key is that I can’t be distracted. I can’t write with the television on. I’m an observer so watching, or even just having the option of watching, something would mean little writing gets done. I also can’t write if there is music on that I want to sing along to. Way too distracting.

I have three family events and a job interview this week so I really need to be on top of my word count. 1,500 words today means it won’t matter that I can’t write tomorrow. If I can do multiple daily targets in single days, then I should be okay. We’ll see.

Today’s Word Count: 1,233

Ongoing Tally: 16,793

 

Project October Writing Journal – Part 6

Day 12

Because I’m ahead of where I intended to be in the word count, it made me lazy today. I knew I could get away with not writing, I didn’t really want to write and so I didn’t (not until half past nine at night). I did some more housework, I watched a trashy TV movie that made me really glad I’m not a teenager anymore (although compared to the fictional ones I was watching, I was a perfect angel), played some games on the computer, napped and did some laundry.

The whole premise of Project October is to write everyday but it can become monotonous. I suppose if I end up with 30,000 words at the end of it, I’ll still have achieved the goal but does it make it less meaningful if I don’t write on some days? I don’t think so. The trap, of course, is that I start thinking, “Oh, I don’t have to write every day, I’m still on target.” But eventually I will reach a point where I’m no longer on target and I will have to write all day, every day to get back and stay there. So I would have been better off just writing every day and not overanalysing it.

I ended up writing a little because where I left off yesterday I was very close to finishing the last chapter of part two and tonight I finished it. It’s a massive accomplishment, I think, despite all the whining I did above because I’ve been stuck in part two of this novel for nearly a year.

It’s amazing what I can accomplish when I actually try. Avoiding it doesn’t help. And maybe I’d sleep better if I didn’t leave it to write so late. Do as I say, not as I do. I should take my own advice.

Today’s Word Count: 420

Ongoing Tally: 14,204

 

Day 13

I was supposed to meet with my job agency today but they called first thing to reschedule so instead I went to my local member of parliament’s office and stuck magnets onto the back of emergency phone number flyers for all his constituents to hang on their refrigerators. It was very repetitive but it wasn’t writing so I welcomed the break. The funny thing is that everyone else who was volunteering their time to do the same thing, as well as some of the staffers, seemed to enjoy the break from their normal working lives, too. I think that no matter what your job is, no matter how much you enjoy it, nobody can do the same thing all the time. The human brain just isn’t wired that way. We need variety. It’s good to know I’m not the only one.

Yesterday I finished writing part two and today I started writing part three. I already had the first paragraph because I wrote it ages ago, at least a year ago I think. But I’m not sure I’m ready to move into the mindset of this other character yet. I haven’t given him enough thought – or actually any thought at all. So now when I sit down to write him, I don’t know what to write.

I also have to do some reviewing of parts one and two to know what he does. I have to make sure there’s consistency – if he has a conversation in part one, then I need him to have or at least reflect on that same conversation in part three.

I wrote less than two hundred words today and I’m not really happy with any of them. I need to be very careful writing part three because the character from whose viewpoint this section is told interacts with only one other character and often he is stalking her, watching her from a distance, not talking at all. If I’m not careful, this section could end up being very prose heavy and thus very difficult to both read and write.

Today’s Word Count: 198

Ongoing Tally: 14,402

 

Project October Writing Journal – Part 5

Day 10

I didn’t sleep well last night (I blame it on the wet hair) so I didn’t end up starting to write until after five o’clock this evening. But I reached the target in just over two hours. A lot of the last couple of chapters has felt very much like a first draft but at least I’m getting something down. Plus I like reviewing, editing and rewriting so when the time comes, I’ll be okay. And it is so much easier handing over a first draft to a beta reader than trying to talk to them about it when all I have is a blank page.

I heard a church advertisement on the radio which I had on while I was working. I normally can’t write with the radio on. But for some reason I can listen to the football without being distracted. Anyway, the advertisement was talking about Captain Sullenberger, the Miracle on the Hudson pilot. Apparently he said that he thought of all his education and experience as deposits and when the plane went down, he was able to make a big withdrawal from his life bank to get that good result. Writing can be thought of in the same way, I think. We learn and write and observe and write and work and write and play and write and then one day, everything comes together and we’ve written something worthwhile. At least, I hope that’s how it works.

Today’s Word Count: 1,361

Ongoing Tally: 11,645

 

Day 11

Cats keep walking over me and jumping on my stomach. It’s their way of telling me to stop writing and feed them. But I think the end of daylight savings has screwed with their internal clocks. They’re usually so good, spot on five o’clock but it’s only half past four and they’re driving me nuts.

I’ve just finished the second last chapter in part two, so only one more to go before I can move on to part three. I’m really happy with how much writing I’m getting done and I think the bones are good but I know I’m going to need to add some flesh during the rewrite. In part two, anyway. I’m pretty confident that part one is of a pretty good standard because I wrote most of it outside of a Project October intensive writing month, meaning I was less concerned about word count and more interested in getting it right then and there.

I wrote 500 words before dinner and came upstairs afterwards to write another 500 and my cats decided that was a good time to have a massive scrag fight. They separated pretty quickly, as they always do when I yell at them to knock it off, but when Mia, my only female, started licking the end of the bed, I noticed something on it. It was blood, massive arterial drops of it. As I tried to clean it up, I noticed more on the floor. And then a puddle of it as well as drips down the stairs where she had run to get away from Kiwi, my dominant male. He’d managed to open a gash on her front right leg and it bled a lot. In cat terms, it’s minor but wounds to a cat’s foot or leg tend to bleed profusely. Anyway, she’s off licking her wounds now (couldn’t resist that).

When I finally sat down to write, I ended up blasting through it. Honestly, even though I know it isn’t the best writing I’ve ever done, the plot is coming together nicely. I’m slowly revealing more and more with each chapter and it feels like a proper mystery/thriller should. Yay!

Today’s Word Count: 2,139

Ongoing Tally: 13,784

 

Project October Writing Journal – Part 4

Day 7

I’m back from the city where I met with another recruiter – an hour and a half there, thirty minutes with the recruiter, an hour and a half back. I hate commuting. I actually don’t live an hour and a half from the city, that’s just how long it takes on public transport. Now that I’m looking for work, most of which appears to be in the city, I am feeling the distance of where I have chosen to buy my property. It didn’t matter when I worked locally. I’d love to work locally again but there isn’t a lot of work for a writer in the suburbs.

I wrote nearly 1,200 words this afternoon and then went to make dinner, thinking I might have another day like yesterday and come back to write well into the evening. I don’t know where the evening went but it’s nearly ten o’clock now. I suppose the lesson is to write early and write often and if I can’t write often, then writing early might get me to the target before I lose focus or motivation or whatever it is that went haywire tonight.

Still, I’m back on track – actually I’m 494 words ahead. But I’m going to try not to rely on those 494 words. I want to stay ahead. I want to forge ahead even further. And look at that number. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll hit the 10,000 word mark. It’s amazing what can be accomplished when I set myself ambitious yet achievable goals.

Today’s Word Count: 1,198

Ongoing Tally: 8,494

 

Day 8

What a difference a day makes. It was only yesterday that I was advocating “write early and write often”. Why can’t I take my own advice? It’s half past eight in the evening and I had noble plans but I spent quite a while doing housework today and then didn’t feel like writing. Damn housework! But I can’t really blame it. Sometimes when you’re a writer, you can feel like all you do is write. And even though you might be writing a bunch of different things, it’s all still just writing. Maybe I was craving something different to do. Even if it was housework. Weird, huh?

I might have also written myself into a corner. Because my novel is structured into three parts in which three different characters recount the same two weeks and I’m writing the second part, I know roughly what is happening before I write it. The problem is that what I wrote in the first part is that two of the characters spend an evening together in a hospital room not talking to each other. It makes sense in the context of what’s happening. And in the first part it was just a paragraph. But in the second part, it’s almost the entire chapter. Thrilling.

Honestly, who’d want to be a writer? Me, I guess, despite it all.

Well, I wrote for a few hours while listening to the football on the radio and hit the daily target, then truly exceeded it. Sometimes, even when you don’t feel like it, I guess it’s as simple as sitting down and forcing yourself to write (or lying down – I do pretty much all my writing on my laptop propped up in bed).

Today’s Word Count: 1,790

Ongoing Tally: 10,284

 

Day 9

Another day of family commitments and job applications. I knew I wasn’t going to get any writing done today, which is why I was so glad to hit 10,000 words yesterday. I will attempt – no, no trying, I will just do it – I will get back on track tomorrow.

It might have been fortuitous that today wasn’t a writing day. I washed my hair last night using a new shampoo and conditioner and then spent all day today sneezing. Clearly, I was having an allergic reaction. When I eventually got home at midnight, I washed my hair again with a different shampoo and conditioner and the problem seems to have been alleviated. But it wasn’t pretty today. The sneezing socialite.

I’ve only got two more chapters to complete before part two is finished and I move onto writing the perspective of a different character. I’m really looking forward to it. Especially since it’s the perspective of the killer. Nearly time to get a little bit dark.

Today’s Word Count: 0

Ongoing Tally: 10,284

 

Project October Writing Journal – Part 3

Day 5

Spent the day with my little sister and didn’t get a chance to write. Part of my choice not to marry and have children was because I thought it would give me more time to write but as much as writers like to complain about the isolation, sometimes there just isn’t enough isolation in the world. My “little” sister is nineteen now and with the nineteen year age gap between us, we are often mistaken for mother and daughter despite the fact that we look nothing alike. So good for the childless woman’s ego. Not!

It was George Bernard Shaw who said, “The true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother drudge for a living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.” I guess that means I’m not a true artist. But I’ve always been practical. I have to pay the bills. And I’m part of a huge family with more sisters, stepbrothers, stepsisters, aunts, uncles and cousins than I count. Stepping away from that is not something I can do, at least not any more than I already have without inviting disapproval – my own most of all.

So there will be more writing free days, although hopefully not too many more during this Project October. Without any contribution to the ongoing tally today, I’m already over 2,000 words behind. I’ll try to make up some of that tomorrow.

Today’s Word Count: 0

Ongoing Tally: 3,905

 

Day 6

Every day before I start writing (on the days I do write), I open up this writing journal and type out a few words, words that I don’t have to think about all that much. It’s like warming up the muscles before exercise. Sometimes when I try to write cold, I just sit there like my fingers won’t work. But I’m finding that one of the benefits of this writing journal exercise is that I’m releasing all the blah, blah, blah that can sometimes work its way into my novels and then I’m ready to get down to business with words of quality when I move onto the novel. Just goes to show I shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss the usefulness of a writing journal.

I blasted past the daily target today (past three daily targets, in fact) and I think there are two reasons why. The first is because I was determined to make up for the two big fat zeroes I had already accumulated in the first week of this Project October. And the second is that I reached an exciting point in the novel and I was so happy to finally be writing that chapter that the words just flowed. Yippee!

Today’s Word Count: 3,391

Ongoing Tally: 7,296

 

Project October Writing Journal – Part 2

Day 3

Daylight savings finished this morning. I thought that might mean an extra hour of writing. I fed the cats at half past eight and went back to bed to watch a movie on my laptop. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until two o’clock when my sister texted asking if I wanted to do something. I really didn’t. I’m a homebody. I like being at home. I told her she could come over if she wanted. She didn’t.

Despite my delayed start, the writing has gone well. I eventually just sat down and started typing even though I had no idea what I was going to write. I revised what I wrote on Day 1 and it helped get me into it. So much of this book has been written through simply sitting down and writing without much idea of what was going to come out on the page. It’s such a pleasant way to create. It feels less like hard work.

Even though I love to research and learn new things, sometimes when I do research for a book, it makes me feel like there are jigsaw puzzle pieces all on the floor and I have to figure out how they fit together. When I just write without researching anything, often the puzzle pieces just slide into place without any effort and it’s only afterwards I realise how perfectly it all works together even though I wasn’t really trying.

Today’s Word Count: 1,198

Ongoing Tally: 3,038

 

Day 4

Reading over the previously written chapter is a great way to immerse myself back into whatever it is I’m writing. Where I left off yesterday, I knew I had another paragraph or two to complete the chapter before moving onto the next one. I stopped writing because I didn’t know what those last two paragraphs were going to be. I still don’t. So I’m reading what I’ve written.

I did a writing exercise last week for a potential employer to assess my writing skills and the recruiter who arranged it asked me, “Did you have fun doing it?” It made me realise that I don’t find writing fun. At least not while I’m doing it. I’m good at it, it’s what I want to do but while I’m doing it, I am serious and focused and tunnel-visioned and sometimes even stressed. Later on, reading back over what I’ve written, then it can be fun – perhaps the more appropriate word is “enjoyable” – but, God, writing is such hard work. Everyone thinks they can do it but so few can do it well.

I wonder if anyone ever asked Einstein if he thought the Theory of Relativity was fun. I suppose what that recruiter didn’t understand is that any writing that isn’t my writing (my novels, my blog posts, my articles) generally isn’t fun. That’s why I’m aiming to be paid for the writing I want to do. In the meantime, I still have to earn an income. I don’t have to find it fun to be able to do it well.

Today’s Word Count: 867

Ongoing Tally: 3,905

 

Project October Writing Journal – Part 1

In July, I wrote a blog post pondering the value of writing journals and then posted in nine parts an old writing journal I wrote as part of my master’s degree. My assessment, in my case anyway, was that there wasn’t much value in them except as a historical curiosity – where I was and how I was feeling, that sort of thing. Which is what most journals and diaries are.

But I know by now that I don’t know everything so as I embarked on another Project October, I decided I would keep a writing journal as I went along to see if it would change my mind. I’m not sure that it did but Project October and keeping that writing journal just happened to coincide with… well, you’ll have to read it over the next month to find out.

And even if it doesn’t have much value to me, maybe there will be something to enlighten or entertain you.

Day -1

No, I haven’t made a typo, it does say, “Minus one.” My Project October month is actually supposed to start tomorrow but I just know it’s not going to be as successful as I would like. So I’m starting early. One extra day isn’t going to make that much of a difference but when you’re working towards a target of 30,000 words in one month, every day helps.

So why am I being Deputy Downer before I’ve even started? I suppose because I spent all day yesterday meeting with recruiters, then most of today revising my CV and doing a writing task for a potential employer, and I have to call the recruiter tomorrow morning to listen to his feedback on my revised CV and writing task. Fun. Yes, I’m looking for full-time work again and I can already tell that going back to work is going to interfere horribly with the amount of writing I’m able to do. I’m resenting a job I don’t even have yet. That bodes well.

Anyway, I’m in the middle of writing two different novels, but I’ve decided to work on Trine. I started writing it in 2012 and I am desperate to finish a first draft because it’s the only piece of my works-in-progress that seems to get constantly interrupted. Everything else comes to a lovely writing conclusion but Trine is always being put on the backburner when I have to do some other writing task.

30,000 words won’t get me to the end. It’s a longer book than I would normally write (100,000 words for Enemies Closer, 80,000 words for Black Spot and Project December) so at 120,000 words, it’s a larger task than I’ve ever taken on before. But I’m starting this Project October at the 55,682 word mark, so another 30,000 words could get me to roughly 75% finished.

I’m aiming for between 500 and 1,000 words per day over the course of the month. Sometimes having a range feels like an escape clause for working harder but I know there are going to be days when I might not even get to write because there are a lot of family events going on this month including one tomorrow and another the next day. But if I can dash off 500 words before I have to dash off to birthdays and weddings, it will feel like I’ve achieved something instead of nothing.

Enough of the waffle and on with the writing. I’ll be posting every day to let you know how I’m going but also to experiment with a writing journal, which I’ve previously said I didn’t think was of much use. I guess I’m about to find about.

Today’s Word Count: 1,074

Ongoing Tally: 1,074

 

Day 1

This is a little hard to believe but I’ve realised that before yesterday the last time I worked on Trine was nine months ago. That’s two Project Octobers ago. The last Project October I did, I worked on White Wash (the Black Spot sequel) because I had some interest from a publisher and suddenly went into a tizzy worrying that I wasn’t far enough along with the sequel if they ended up wanting to publish (even though they didn’t in the end).

Reading back the blog posts from last year where I explained what Project October was and outlined my progress in weekly updates, I remember now that I got into awful trouble with the chapter I find myself in the middle of. Upon discovering a murder, the policeman character spent a day cataloguing the scene and reading it back was such hard work that I scrapped it all. I started again by making it the end of a 36-hour working day with the policeman in bed trying to sleep and being unable to despite his exhaustion as he relived the awful details over and over again. It reads much better but it is essentially all in the past. Does that mean it lacks the surprise of events that are revealed as and when they are happening?

Aaagghhh! I think the best idea is simply to push through, get words – any words – down on paper and then move on to the next chapter. It’s only a first draft. I know when I started writing Trine that I decided I wasn’t going to rush the writing, I was going to do it in a leisurely fashion and edit as I went, not moving on until I was happy with each chapter. Sometimes if I move on when I’m not happy with a chapter, I head off in completely the wrong direction. But if I’m not going anywhere, then what’s the point of doing Project October?

I’ll have to worry about it tomorrow. I’m off to spend the evening with my grandfather – dinner and watching the footy on TV. Maybe the break will help. I always say that when the writing isn’t working, it’s usually a sign that I need to go do something else anyway.

P.S. OMG, a one point thriller win that looked like a loss until four seconds to go at the end of the game. Amazing! Horrible! Best game and worst game ever all in one! I’m never going to sleep so I’m writing instead.

Today’s Word Count: 766

Ongoing Tally: 1,840

 

Day 2

Today would have been my grandmother’s ninetieth birthday if she had lived to see it but she passed away nearly two months ago now. The family all headed to my grandfather’s house anyway to mark the occasion. I went early and then stayed for dinner so my grandfather wasn’t alone. He kicked me out at half past eight when he wanted to go to bed and I started home thinking I’d have plenty of time for writing this evening. I wasn’t even half way there when I got the fright of my life. I hit a possum that was scampering across the road. I had enough time to see it and register that it was a possum and I tried to swerve but I couldn’t avoid it. There was a thump and a puff of fur went up in the air.

I’ve never hit anything before so I went into a little bit of shock. I missed the turn off that would have taken me to the freeway and had gone a long way past it before I calmed down. By that time, I was nearly at my father’s house so I thought I would stop in. When my stepmother opened the door, she immediately said, “What’s wrong?” and I burst into tears. I apologised for being silly but I was so upset at hitting (and most likely killing) that possum. “I just want to sit all the possums down and explain to them how dangerous cars are,” I said ridiculously.

When I finally left my dad’s house, it was nearly midnight and the window for any writing today had gone. I’ve got two days to myself now so hopefully I can make up for it with a couple of big tallies tomorrow and the next day.

Today’s Word Count: 0

Ongoing Tally: 1,840

The Five Stages of Unemployment

One of the most common feelings of unemployment is the sense that no one else can understand what it is you’re going through. And they can’t. Not exactly. No one has precisely the same family or financial circumstances as you do. No one has precisely the same employment experience. No one has precisely the same goals and dreams.

What everyone experiencing unemployment does have in common is going through five distinct emotional stages as we process an ending and look for another beginning.

However, the manner in which you enter unemployment significantly impacts in what order you will experience these emotions.

Unemployment by Choice

Stage 1: Elation

When we choose unemployment, usually for reasons of a career break or a career redirection, as the final day of work rolls around, there is often a huge sense of elation. No more taking orders (i.e. no more boss). No more tasks that don’t interest us anymore (i.e. no more boredom). We are overcome by the beauty of possibilities. And there are many.

This stage can last for a long time and tends to be influenced by how long our non-work activities will keep us happily occupied and how long our financial situation will allow us to remain unemployed.

Stage 2: Determination

Once the elation finally wears off, we head into a phase of determination. We are resolved that we will return to work on our own terms. We will find the perfect job with the perfect blend of work/life balance. We will find the perfect salary and the perfect company. And nothing but that perfect combination will entice us back into the work force.

Stage 3: Compromise

Of course, we quickly learn that there’s no such thing as the perfect job, the perfect salary or the perfect company. And if there are, we quickly learn that the jobs and companies we want don’t seem to want us back. There’s always someone else who, according to them, has a skill set that more closely aligns with their list of criteria.

So we decide which areas we are prepared to compromise on. We expand the geographic search area. We lower our salary expectations. We widen the industry search. And we consider positions more junior than our experience qualifies us for.

Stage 4: Desperation

And when none of that works, we consider taking even more drastic action. We consider going back to a career that we hated. We consider crawling back to our old employers and begging for a job, any job. We consider imploring friends and family to keep us in mind for anything that comes up. After all, by this time, we’re usually not in a position to be choosy.

Stage 5: Despair

And just when you’re despairing of ever finding another job, something pops up. It’s not perfect but then nothing ever is. Nevertheless, it’s work. It’s interesting enough. It pays enough. You can see its possibilities, where it might lead, even if it isn’t exactly what you thought you wanted to be doing. And when people ask what you do for a living, it allows you not to have to say, “I’m between jobs at the moment.”

But for those of us who were so elated to be unemployed all those months ago, there’s also a sense of despair that our freedom is coming to an end. It was wonderful while it lasted and even before we begin our new jobs, we wonder how long it will be before we’re in a position to consider another career break or career redirection. We wonder how long it will be before we can experience that elation again.

Unemployment by Force

Stage 1: Despair

When you don’t see it coming and when it isn’t your choice, unemployment can be a real kick in the guts. Unlike those who choose unemployment for themselves, there is no elation (not at stage 1 anyway). There is no looking forward to free time, no anticipation of all those things we’ll be able to do now that our time-consuming job isn’t getting in the way.

Instead, we worry. About our family. About where the next meal is coming from. About how the next home loan repayment and electricity bill will be covered. About the humiliation of having to ask family for help or the bank for some consideration during this difficult time.

Stage 2: Desperation

After despair, which feels a lot like grief (because, after all, you have lost something that was important to you – your job and the sense of identity that came with it), we move into the desperation stage. Desperation usually sees you down at the government unemployment office applying for benefits. The benefits are handy but what we really want is help finding a new job. And we think they might be able to actually help. We’re soon disabused of this notion.

After sitting in the waiting room for hours and then being subjected to a series of questions that assume we have the IQ of a developmentally delayed ten-year-old, we realise there won’t be any help in finding a new job. Because a government implemented algorithm has determined that while you do qualify for a tiny amount of money that won’t be enough to prevent you from going into short-term, high-interest debt, that’s all you qualify for. There are people out there much worse off than you, usually with no skills and no interest in ever having a job, and the government has to spend all their time on them, meaning there’s little or nothing left over for you.

Stage 3: Compromise

Still, we’re assigned a jobs advisor so we’re going to make the best of it. Except the only jobs the jobs advisor can recommend for us is a position packing boxes in a factory. We used to be teachers and skilled labourers and office workers and retail assistants and hospitality specialists. We’ve got qualifications coming out the wazoo. Surely even if we applied for positions packing boxes, all those people with no skills the government is desperately trying to get off welfare would be chosen ahead of us because they’re less likely to cause trouble asking about occupational health and safety and the legal rights of workers.

But if it’s offered, we take that job packing boxes and become the best box packer who ever packed a box in the history of box packing. It’s better than nothing.

Stage 4: Determination

Of course, there’s only so much box packing we can take. So we keep looking for a job closer to the industry and role we actually want. We update and polish our CVs. We send off dozens, if not hundreds, of applications. We meet with recruiters and get added to their databases. We attend interviews, if we’re lucky enough to get them. And we swear to a power higher than ourselves that we will not be box packers for the rest of our lives.

Stage 5: Elation

And, eventually, all the hard work pays off. Something pops up. It’s not perfect but then nothing ever is. Nevertheless, it’s work. It’s interesting enough. It pays enough. You can see its possibilities, where it might lead, even if it isn’t exactly what you thought you wanted to be doing. And when people ask what you do for a living, it allows you not to have to say, “I’m between jobs at the moment.”

It’s a thousand times better than being unemployed. It’s an elation you despaired of ever feeling again since that despair of finding yourself unemployed all those months ago. It’s unbelievable. It’s wonderful.

It won’t last long before you revert to a more normal sense of simple satisfaction at simply having a job and being able to support yourself and your family again but it’s amazing while it lasts. And you’ll remember this feeling for a long time. Long enough to hope you never have to be unemployed by force ever again.

*****

The point of all this is to reassure us that we aren’t alone. It’s something we all go through. It’s something we can all understand. It’s also something that is almost always temporary. The next stage of your working life, whatever that might be, is always just around the corner.

*First published on LinkedIn 28 May 2016

The Five Stages of Writing

When we first start writing, thinking we might like to have a crack at the caper, we have all the tools we need. A basic knowledge of the language in which we want to write. A computer and a new Word document. Or a piece of paper and a pen. After all, writing is pretty simple, right?

In writing’s defence, it is pretty easy. As long as all you want to do is tinker. As long as you don’t care about ever being read or published. However, if you do, you might be interested to know it’s actually a very long process that can be broken into five stages.

And the hardest stage of writing is always whatever stage you’re at.

Stage 1: The Blank Page AKA The Idea

The reputation of the blank page is infamous. You can stare at one for hours without getting any closer to writing than you were when you decided that you wanted to have a go. And it often seems like coming up with a brand new idea is a bit like coming up with a brand new name for a race horse. As more and more of them are claimed, the fewer there are remaining for the rest of us. And those that remain seem just a little bit silly.

Perhaps even more disillusioning is the fact that to write just one thing, you will often be faced with more than one blank page. Because just when you think you’ve overcome this hurdle, you realise your idea just isn’t going to cut it and you either “Select All” and press “Delete” or you crumple the piece of paper in your hand, throw it to the floor and pull out a fresh, crisp, white sheet to restart this hellish stage.

Stage 2: Execution AKA The Writing AKA The Hard Work

Once you have your idea, after all the hard work of coming up with one that hasn’t been done a zillion times before, then comes the even harder work of writing tens of thousands of words to bring it to life. But you’ve probably heard it in reviews before: “The idea was good but the execution was terrible.” So you know that a good idea or even a great idea isn’t ever going to be enough.

The writing is almost always a long slog. It takes forever or at least a lot closer to forever than you’d like. And the closer you get to a completed first draft, the further away you feel from it. Writing can take months and more likely years and the satisfaction of constructing the ending is about thirty minutes out of hundreds or sometimes even thousands of hours.

This is most likely the stage at which you will give up. It’s all too hard. And the likelihood of reward for effort is so remote. Part of knowing you are meant to write is just keeping on going despite everything that tells you you’d be happier if you gave it up.

Stage 3: Editing AKA Fixing and Finalising

If you thought the idea and the execution were hard, they are nothing compared to the editing. Something you thought was pretty good will be unrecognisable by the time the editor has finished with it. Even if you’re acting as your own editor. At the end of stage 2, you should savour that feeling of accomplishment because as soon as you start stage 3, it will disappear rapidly and become so distant that you will wonder if it ever actually happened.

This is also the stage at which you realise that your basic knowledge of the language you are writing in really isn’t enough. You need an intermediate to advanced knowledge of the language you are writing in. You also need an understanding of structure and plot and characters. You need a consideration of voice and style. You need a murderous detachment from your “baby” that will allow you to hack off arms, legs and sometimes even its head. And if you don’t have any of these attributes, you will need to pay somebody a lot of money to do it for you.

This stage can also end up being much longer than stage 2. I wrote my second novel in six months but I’ve spent over two years fixing and finalising and I’m still not finished as of writing this blog post.

Stage 4: Publishing

Now comes the semi-public humiliation. You send your book off to every large, medium, small and vanity publisher out there, hoping against hope that something in your first three chapters will catch somebody’s attention. You wait. And wait. And wait some more. And worse than getting rejections, you simply hear nothing. Ever.

So you decide to publish it yourself. And realise yet again that you don’t have the skills required to accomplish this stage. So you learn. You read what other self-published authors have had to say and follow their advice. You have a cover designed (more money). You follow a one hundred page instruction booklet to prepare your book for one platform. And then you follow the instructions in another one hundred page booklet to prepare another edition for a different platform.

And suddenly you have a book. You’ve published a book. But no one except you cares.

Stage 5: Marketing

And then it’s time for the public humiliation. You don’t know how to market your book any better than you knew how to edit or publish it but it has to be done. You tell everyone you know. You use Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and LinkedIn and Pinterest and Goodreads, where you set up an author account for yourself. You do some cheap advertising. You email your old schools so they can praise you as an achieving alumni in their barely read newsletter. And you now refer to yourself as a published author.

And still no one cares. Nobody buys your book. Nobody reads your book. You get one star reviews on Goodreads, which surprises you since you haven’t made any sales. Or worse, you get no reviews on Goodreads. Not even from your parents.

And when people ask how many copies you’ve sold, you say, “Oh, I’m not keeping track. It’s just such an accomplishment to have published my book.” Then when they leave, you cry into a pack of Tim Tams that you could only afford because they were on sale.

*****

If none of the above has put you off wanting to have a go, then congratulations! You might just have what it takes to be a writer. It’s one part talent, one part masochism, one part obsession, one part not giving a crap what everyone else thinks could end up being an enormous waste of your time. Welcome to the club.

Book Review: Secret Smile by Nicci French

This book was so engrossing that I started reading it late one evening and then couldn’t stop. I finished it in one sitting as I kept thinking, “Just one more chapter,” and then not being able to stand not knowing what was going to happen next. By the time I was finished, six hours and 310 pages had gone by and so had most of the night, as well as any opportunity for sleep.

Secret Smile is the story of Miranda. She’s been dating Brendan for just over a week when she comes home from work to find him on her lounge reading one of her old diaries. He’s let himself in with the key underneath the flowerpot. “That’s all right, isn’t it?” he asks. She throws him out and breaks off the relationship. And she’s not really sorry to see him go.

Two weeks later, her sister Kerry calls to tell her that she has something exciting to share: a new boyfriend. And his name is Brendan. (Unfortunately for Kerry, she doesn’t realise how literal that sharing will be.) Almost immediately, Miranda is suspicious. And those suspicions are confirmed when the story of how the happy new couple met is told. Brendan approached Kerry telling her he recognised her from a photograph in Miranda’s flat. Except there are no photographs of Kerry in Miranda’s flat.

Brendan has also already ingratiated himself amongst the rest of Miranda’s family and told everyone that he broke up with Miranda and that she didn’t take it well. So every time Miranda tries to point out the fact that he’s a liar and a psychopath, they all think she’s just jealous. A few weeks after when Brendan and Kerry announce their whirlwind engagement, he finds Miranda and confesses to her that the whole time he and her sister were making the announcement, all he was thinking about was her mouth and how he had once ejaculated in it. Yuck!

And so begins Miranda’s new hellish life. No matter who she tells about Brendan and his dangerous infatuation, they just won’t believe her. Not her family, not her friends, not her new boyfriend, not her therapist, not even a police detective she asks to investigate Brendan.

The character of Brendan is insanely creepy and everyone will have known someone like him, someone who is just not quite right even though you can’t quite put your finger on why. The character of Miranda stays quiet on occasions when she should speak up and I think we all know people like that, too. Sometimes we are that person. So even though I kept thinking, “Why doesn’t she just say something?”, Nicci French wrote it in a way that made me think such a scenario was not just entirely possible but frequently reality. Towards the end, I even started wondering if perhaps Miranda was veering towards being a little bit psychopathic herself in her treatment of Brendan. I almost became one of those people who wouldn’t believe her, even though I was witnessing everything firsthand.

The dialogue was a little bland at times and I’m still not sure how I feel about the ending – because even though Miranda outsmarts Brendan it wasn’t quite in a smart enough way for me to feel she had won the war – but overall this is a terrific and terrifying read. And it’s certainly enough to make me want to read more of Nicci French’s books.

4 stars

*First published on Goodreads 15 May 2016