C.H. Clepitt's Blog, page 36
February 28, 2016
Becoming Raff
Part One: Who Am I?
Raff pulled his collar up and headed down the cobbled street. It was late and there was a smell of smoke in the air, combined with sewage and a sort of burnt sulphur that lurked generally in the atmosphere at this time of night. He was heading to the Red Monkey Tavern. He had been there for the past three nights and liked the atmosphere. He would order beer and sit quietly in the corner and people watching. As he approached the Tavern entrance he plunged his hands into his pockets, focused firmly on his feet and headed in through the crowds of men and working girls who gathered outside. Just as he was about to enter the building someone shoved him hard in the side, causing him to sidestep into another group of men.
“Watch where you’re going, boy!” A rugged looking man shoved him hard in the chest.
“I’m sorry,” he gasped, stepping backwards into someone else. “I’m sorry!” he gasped turning around to see who else was going to push him.
“Oh don’t worry, darling,” a woman with a scar that disfigured the entire left side of her face was looking a Raff curiously. “I’ve had worse.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“Don’t be sorry for me, darling. You need to be sorry for yourself. Come inside and buy me a drink before one of these great oafs takes your head off for looking at ‘em funny.”
She took his hand and led him through the crowds into the Tavern.
“Thing is, darling,” she said to him as they drank their second pitcher of ale. “You’re little. I mean proper slight, any one of these idiots could kill you just by punching you. And you’re quiet, gentle spoken like. I’m sure there must be some nice gentleman’s club you could frequent where you won’t get stabbed or anything.”
“I like it here,” Raff smiled. “No-one knows me, and mostly they leave me alone. I feel like I can really be myself here.”
“You’re lucky, not many people here get to be themselves, we all have to play a role.”
“What’s your role?”
“Ha, I’m the madam, darling! Ain’t no-one gunna touch me now I got this, but ain’t no-one gunna touch any of my girls, I take care of them, for a percentage.”
“Sounds lucrative.”
“You want a girl, you ask Polly, I’ll sort you out, any type, I got em all. I’ll do you a sweet deal too, cos you’re nice and ain’t said nothing about me scar.”
“I’m alright for now, thank you,” Raff began awkwardly. “I don’t think you should worry about your scar, you’re a nice person, people will see beyond it.”
“Oh sweetheart, not in my line of work they won’t. So, you got a sweetheart, or don’t you like girls?”
“I don’t really know what I like,” he said truthfully. “I like who I am, here, now, with you.”
“Well, ain’t that sweet, I’m here every night, gotta keep an eye on my girls though, so you’ll have to excuse me if I leave you.”
“Of course.”
“‘Ark at ‘e! ‘of course’! I’m sitting with a proper gentleman. I’ll get your story out of you eventually.”
“Maybe.”
It was dawn when Raff left the tavern and headed down the streets home. He scrambled over the fence into the back garden to his parents’ home, and up the large oak tree that overlooked his bedroom window. It was a bit of a jump, but he’d discovered that if he didn’t look down then it was easy enough to make the distance. Grabbing the window ledge he pulled himself into the window and landed on the floor with a heavy thump.
“Isabelle?” his mother’s voice called from down the corridor. “Are you alright? Did you fall out of bed again?”
“I’m fine mother,” he responded, quickly changing out of his evening clothes and pulling a night dress on over his bound breasts. “Just tripped on the chair.”
“Well hurry up, we’re having brunch with Sir Thomas at eleven, and you need to be looking your best, I have a new dress being delivered for you.
“Yes, mother.”
February 25, 2016
7 Questions
Seven Questions is a section of Newsnibbles where we ask one of our Twitter followers seven questions (duh). Because we do it via email they are free to answer in more that 140 characters, which is nice.
Today we catch up with Stephanie Oram or @stephanieoram1 as we know her, to find out all about her new book! Excitings!
1. Is there a person in your life who
is the inspiration for Bernard Jiggle?
If anyone inspired me to start writing about Bernard’s adventures it was my eldest son. He’s now 16 and a strapping 6 footer, but when he was a little squidge he was never without a costume acting out different scenarios for us. His imagination amazed me & Bernard was born. My son also came up with Bernard’s fabulous name…cheers son!
2. What do vegetarian zombies eat?
What do vegetarian zombies eat, well I think that answers itself! They are fond of all vegetables, most partial to carrots, Brussel sprouts make them fart & they hate cous cous.
3. Do you prefer your custard cold or hot?I prefer my custard cold and preferably in a doughnut.
4. What do your family think of your story?
My family love the stories of course! Actually I think they are secretly hoping I grow up soon.
5. What is your all time favourite [image error]ever book (I am twisting your arm, pick one).
My favourite ever book has to be Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. Love, tragedy, revenge it’s got it all! Heathcliffe is so deliciously wicked and Cathy a classic windswept heroine.
6. Pet couture, pro or con.
Personally I’m not a fan of pet couture, after all they have their own fur coats don’t they! If your pet is happy to be dressed up and that is most important thing (my little Eric was once dressed in a pink tutu and he really enjoyed it but that’s another story!) then there are some pros. You could accessorise your pet to match your outfit, dress them up for special occasions (gives the relatives something to talk about) and there’s no harm in popping your pet in a coat when it’s cold. The cons…you are potentially going to look like a nob (can I say nob?) if you take your dog out wearing a pink tutu (the dog that is).
7. Do you have a favourite badger?
Do I have a favourite badger, can I have two? First and foremost there’s Policeman Badger a very important member of the Tufty Club (I’m a child of the seventies!). He taught me how to cross the road, bless him! Secondly Badger from Bodger and Badger, he’s a badger who wears a little red beret and who eats mashed potato, I don’t think I have to say anymore!
If this interview has inspired you to go hunt your own vegetarian zombies, you can on Amazon.
February 22, 2016
Book Review: A Tweet Day
Eileen Wilson
It never ceases to amaze me how many good 
writers are totally unknown, but maybe that’s because the best of us are absolutely rubbish at marketing! This was marketed to me with “can you have a look, I’m not sure if it’s even funny”. Well, it is.
A Tweet Day is set out in a series on one minute bursts (give or take) and follows the author’s random thoughts (some of which should never be spoken aloud) as we experience an average day in her head.
Flanked by her son “mini-Vadar”, a husband who starts the day with quite the bruise and an omnipotent stuffed frog, we follow her as she meets bus users, dogs and parents with discipline issues, and you can rest assured she has an opinion on every one.
The humour is self deprecating and very British, and I can’t help but think that this would work incredibly well as a comic book, with witty illustrations to accompany each time stamped thought.
This is a quick read, and perfect for a commute, or coffee break. It is easy to put down and pick up, and a bit like following a series of tweets (thus the name perhaps).
Packed full of literary, film and pop culture references, you will find yourself nodding with a knowing smile. With inserts of sage wisdom such as “You are a potato, be rooted,” you may feel the urge to form a cult of Wilsonians, and follow her Tweets of wisdom to help you with your everyday life. Alternatively you might just laugh out loud on the bus.
Why not check out the free samples that are available on Lulu, and form your own opinion of A Tweet Day?
I thought it was rather amusing.
February 16, 2016
Journeys With Jack
Well it has been a grey gloomy day with tears!! It’s wet, really wet, the towel is out and there is endless paw and belly drying every time I get back in the van. I am sick, I mean sick, the eating grass more than once routine, so in and out of the van non stop which means lots of wiping and very concerned whispered conversations between them. I hope to feel better tomorrow or I heard them talking about vets!!! No way, nasty individuals, not doing it. Ah, you thought the tears were for me, well possibly but not really. The tears were caused by another dog, can you believe it? And me too ill to raise my head and bark. We stopped in a grassy lay by for lunch. As we stopped a big handsome devil of a dog came and lay by the van. Big sorrowful eyes she said! They thought he belonged to another van in the lay by. All good until it drove off, leaving those sorrowful eyes looking at them. The rain was chucking it down and he was wet and alone and it was time for us to go. She said she could not leave it, he took a deep breath and said we had to, she cried, he hesitated, I threw up again. Compromise, he fed it. She drove off crying. Not good on twisty mountain roads! I have managed half a handful of feed this evening (sucker!) and a little walk. They have managed, beer, red wine and Lemoncella in a local bar so a lie in for us all hopefully.
February 7, 2016
Journeys With Jack
Doing posh things today. At a Palace in Madrid. Hope you like the photo readers. I was caught chasing rabbits on my first leg stretch of the day though which left her not amused!
Today I have explored Salamanca. It is full of old buildings and cobbled streets and things that made her go ‘ah’ on many occasions. I loved the number of pee stops and exotic smells! I am really becoming a town dog at heart. It’s a good job I am happy to, well you know, ‘do things’ without grass. If I was as fussy as some dogs I could mention I would have had my legs crossed all day today!!! I got a bit of running around action in besides a river too which was good. Why do things try and chase me??? I can outrun them all!
So I have moved from Spain and am now in Mountain village in Portugal. We went through some boarder stress as usual, in fact she even made me wear a harness thing and tied me up!! Really, no one is going to confiscate me!!! There are dogs every wear, I was asked to write about doggy fashion, but this lot have not reached the dizzy heights of a brush yet!!! The wine is cheap, but fresh milk scarce so there is a bit of a balancing act there to keep everyone happy!!! The food thing is interesting as at home it is additive free no expense spared healthy stuff. Colouring and E numbers galore here and they wonder why I run round the van in circles in the evening!!!
February 2, 2016
Journeys With Jack
Jack S here. Delighted to be updating you on my travels for a bit.
Biarittz by Night
We did not get off to a good start on Tuesday as
although we got to the ferry in good time they boarded us early and so no play time in the pen! No nasty stains and smells for her to teeter round!!! Fortunately the crossing was ok. The oldies always get so stressed though going through passport control. Do not understand it: I have one, along with a chip bit of metal in me and all the jabs. They really need to stop
Biarittz by Day
fussing!! Once we arrived in France we were not happy campers. She was really sick and could not talk! Funny really, but rubbish for recall and treats. Spent Tuesday night in Le Mans by the river. She nearly had heart failure when we were joined on the bed time trip by a rodent as big as me!!! I was confident I could outrun him though!!! Le Mans was followed by one of her favourite places Biarittz.
We then hit Spain! Oranges and Pamplona were the first stop. Not sure about this Bull thing they do, but the statue was impressive. That’s her in the picture by the way. Love her really!
After Pamplona and a hectic few days I arrived in Javea. Upgrade from the van to a Villa courtesy of Friends of hers. What a good few days. Sofas and beds galore to sleep on, fresh friends on the beach, bars and some tough walks up those bloody mountain things they keep dragging me up!
Big but boring day today! Apparently it’s my birthday (whatever that is). She has sung to me and provided endless air kisses. I am 2!! I hope you can see the picture of my birthday dinner! The highlight of the day was a special piece of exercise. We arrived in Madrid after hours and hours in the van and immediately set off into a park. In the park was a track for bikes (the things you chase when they go past you) to do tricks so it had ramps and jumps and things. Well we set off round the track at a good pace, up and down ramps, over jumps. We were nearly at the end and I could sense she was pleased with herself, (mind you she should be, she couldn’t run anywhere this time last year!). But it all came to an abrupt end as she tripped on a jump and hit the deck face first, clean white jeans, oh dear!! I only moved across her a little bit…
So, I will be regularly updating you on my travels, but until next time, this is Jack S, signing off!
January 29, 2016
Cos Sometimes I read stuff
So, it’s been a while since I have written a 
feature, in fact I haven’t put my feature writing hat on since Rockonnection ceased to be, and that was several years ago now, so it was time to kidnap another minor celeb, chain them to a radiator in the basement and seriously get to the bottom of their creative intentions. As Sam now works with us here in the Newsnibbles office, he was surprisingly easy to abduct, and just followed the trail of vegetarian antipasti down to the basement, where I was able to tether him to a chair.
Whilst I was waiting for him to come to, I was able to glance at the copy of The Baron Moruna, which I always carry in my back pocket, because long books make me look clever. The first thing that struck me was ‘he doesn’t write at all like he talks,’ and I was impressed. It was like reading an epic fantasy novel, it could have been from any era, with classical tones and stylings that set the scene right off and tell you this is fantasy.
Some years ago, when we first met on a writing website that is no more (I was pretending to be human then, I have since realised that badgers sell more books) I read his first novel in the Akurite Empire series, and was impressed by the fact that a male writer was confidently able to write strong female characters, without stereotyping. This is set in the same world, but years later, and the characters in the first book I read are now characters from history, which reading it makes me feel like I am part of the world too, I know their history, I understand more what’s going on, he has created an entire world with history and future and real people. It was at this point that he started to come to, so I decided to ask him: How do you go about building a world?
That’s a big question. And the subject of my dissertation. Short version: Begin by creating the space for the world to exist in. Sense it, learn to touch and hear it, hanging in that liminal non-space between your inner self and the external world. Find or imagine or create a crack in reality, and peer through. On the other side will be someone, somewhere. Speak to them. Widen the gap between worlds and make a space where you can sit and talk. Make it a place in that world, furnish it, get comfortable. This first person you’ve met here will be your chief narrator, your guide in this otherworld; talk to them, let them tell you stories, and introduce you to their friends. Ask them about their world, and write down what they tell you. When you know a few people there and have heard of a few places, start walking, and write about everything you find and everyone you meet there.
Well that seemed fair enough to me, but I wanted more specifics, so I jabbed him with a pointy stick and persisted; but how did the world of Akurite Empire come about?
Pretty much exactly like that. I was making little bubble-worlds, mini-excursions across the ether, until I ran into a character there who offered to be my guide and tell me his adventures. Eventually, he introduced me to one friend and then another, and they told me stories too. I still make a point of visiting that first friend in that otherworld, but he’s retired now and doesn’t mind others taking centre stage.
In this new work there is a character called Ailen (not our fashion correspondent, that’s Aline) who speaks in such a good Scottish accent you can hear it even when reading in your head, so I had to interrupt Sam’s escape attempt to ask: Where did you learn to speak Scottish?
From Robbie Burns. I’m literate in Scottish; I read it, barely speak a word of it. When writing a character’s words, I listen to their accent, their intonation.
Hmm, interesting. With such a vast collection of titles to his name he must have tens of fans, so I found myself wondering who his stories were aimed at. Well, there’s no point in wondering when he’s right there, tied to a chair in front of me, and I’m not shy, so I asked: Who is your main audience?
I write for the grown-up Fantasy fan, the people who grew up on it and never grew out of it, who love the old stories and want new ones from the same wellspring of human abstraction. I write about reality through the lens, so I write for people who want to not merely to escape this reality, but to bring something real back from that otherworld.
It was at that point he seemed to be on the 
verge of escape, and I knew the only way to keep him there would be to distract him with my brilliant intellect, so I struck another question, like the brain ninja that I am: If you could take 3 books, with their authors to a desert island, who and why?
i: Me, and only one book, the one I’d be working on. When I have finished the epic Fantasy, I look forward to writing about a desert island. Nice, calm, peaceful.
ii: Stephanie Myer. Because she must be stopped.
iii: Hugh Cook. Because he’s dead, and he shouldn’t be, and I only found out the man had a website a few months after he died, and now even his website’s gone, and I feel oddly cheated of speaking to an obscure author who very strong influenced my work.
It was no good, whilst he was dazzling me with he quick witted responses to what I thought were really tough questions he had broken free his bonds, and I found my mind drawn back to the amazing fight scenes that are scattered throughout The Baron Moruna so asked, with some trepidation: Do you know Kung Fu?
“Yes. I do know Kung Fu,” he responded, raising an ominous eyebrow.
Whilst this amazing story has a kickass army of women, ghosts, zombies and adventures on an airship, it leaves one question completely unanswered, a question that it is really essential to know any member of the Newsnibbles’ teams’ position on as a matter of course: Pet Couture, would you?
No. I think it’s cruel. No animal wants bows and bunches in its fur, dayglo anything is not a colour any dog wants to be. Cats do not like being shaved (remember that, kids).
Oh dear, divorce may be on the cards… Well at that point he was free and I was distracted by something shiny, so we left it at that, and will probably never speak of it again, but you can find out more about his worlds by going here.
If you think you would like to be featured in a feature, get in touch and we’ll see what we can do.
January 26, 2016
Seven Questions With Canine Partners
Today we have a special 7 Questions with a charity that you probably haven’t heard of, but should have, @canine_partners. Hopefully this will help.
1. What is Canine Partners?
Canine Partners is a national charity that trains dogs to help disabled people by performing a range of tasks that the rest of us take for granted. These can range from picking up dropped items to undressing their owner! They can even take a credit card and money from a cash machine, although they can’t put the pin number in. Perhaps just as well, otherwise they might be off down the pet shop to buy supplies! They can certainly take items from supermarket shelves and hand a purse to the cashier!
2. What is involved in training a canine partner?
To train a canine partner takes the best part of the first two years of the dog’s life. They begin as eight-week-old puppies, living with a volunteer called a puppy parent! That’s a very apt title for someone who basically housetrains the puppy, takes them everywhere to get them socialised, teaches them right from wrong (using the right commands for actions such as touching, tugging and retrieving), and brings them to school … or puppy class as it is called. When the dog is about 14 months old and has completed the puppy training he will go to big school, or advanced training, at one of the Charity’s special centres. There he will learn the more advanced tasks such as unloading a washing machine, opening doors and retrieving a phone, and will also meet his future disabled owner. At the end of the five months advanced taskwork training the dog and the applicants with whom he has been paired, spend two weeks on a residential course. This is for the disabled person to learn how to work with his new canine partner … the dog is already fully trained by then!
3. Who qualifies for a canine partner?
The dogs are trained to assist someone with a physical disability or who has a mobility problem that affects their everyday life and who would benefit from a special dog performing a variety of household tasks for them. Very often people with physical disabilities struggle with pain and fatigue due to the effort of doing even simple things like picking up something that has dropped or opening a door. Having a canine partner beside them who can do all those tasks for them means their pain level and fatigue is reduced, and often this means they don’t need as much medication. So perhaps canine partenrs should be on the NHS!
4. How can people get involved and help?
As the Charity doesn’t receive any government funding they rely on the generosity of the public to give donations to further their work. People can help by undertaking any fundraising activity – it doesn’t matter how small. Bake sales, sponsored walks, skydives, challenge events … all of these activities can raise funds. Maybe even grow a sponsored beard for a year!! Or try nominating the organisation as a charity of the year at your workplace. Canine Partners also relies on volunteers so people can give their time to the Charity: for example, if they don’t work and would like to be actively involved with training the dogs, they could volunteer as a puppy parent. These people take the young puppies into their homes for a year or so and, under the guidance of trained staff, they teach the pups basic obedience and core activities that will then develop into the taskwork that will one day help a disabled person. Not only are you contributing to a dog that will make a difference to someone but you get to have a cute puppy for a year! The Charity also has a network of volunteer speakers who, after undergoing some training, give talks to groups and organisations helping to spread awareness. It’s a great way to meet people too!
5. Where do you stand on the topic of pet couture?
Not quite sure what is meant by this question! We encourage our puppy parents and partners who are paired with our trained dogs to actively groom their dogs as that helps build the bond which will be so important, while keeping the dog looking the best it can. The dogs wear their purple jackets announcing that they are assistance dogs when they are out and on duty, so they always look very smart!
6. We have many dog readers, some of whom might like to become a canine partner, what type of dog do you need to be?
To be a canine partner you need to be a dog that enjoys being with people, that loves retrieving items and picking up items that are dropped on the floor over and over again, and enjoys learning new things. You will probably be a Labrador, or golden retriever, or a mixture of both. You might be part poodle, for intelligence! You will be young as you will be expected to be a fully trained canine partner for many years, and you will just revel in being in the limelight as canine partners do become local celebrities when they are partnered with a disabled person. Finally, you will be the most wonderful assistant, friend and companion to someone who relies on you for their confidence and independence. What a great life!
7. Where can people find out more?
If all of the above has whetted your interest in Canine Partners, then please visit with website: www.caninepartners.org.uk, check out their Facebook page or follow them on Twitter. Finally please do tell all your friends about how amazing these dogs are and their life-transforming role for people with disabilities.
And if you would like to answer 7 questions then get in touch
January 1, 2016
Sophie’s Shaun Hunt
Due to some technical difficulties we have been unable to post our festive travel report, so here are some Shauns to tide you over.
38. Dolly
I’m just gonna take this one, shhhh no one will know…
40. On the Waterfront
Ship a’hoy land lovers
68. Willow
This one is a fine example of how one simple colour can make magic.
December 13, 2015
A Festive Fiendishly Tricky Maths Puzzle
By popular demand we have another fiendishly tricky maths puzzle for you, this time with a festive twist.
So, today is December 13th, and Annie, our resident fashionista is the office Santa Claus, so she will be making a list, and checking it twice. This year Christmas will be on December 25th. So, what is Annie’s name?You may notice that this is very similar to our other tricky maths puzzle, but since that one is still baffling readers the World over we thought we’d stick with a good thing. Pop your answers in the comments below. There’s no prize but the glory of knowing your superior intellect. The answer will be posted on our Facebook page on Christmas Morning, so if you need to know, you’d best like us. You know you do anyway.
