Rebecca Eanes's Blog, page 8

21 Days to Positive Parenting

I invite you to take the next 21 days to commit to being a more positive parent. Whether you are new to positive parenting or you’ve been practicing it for a long time, we are all works in progress with room for improvement and growth.

Journaling has many benefits, including helping us to clarify our thoughts and solve problems more effectively. Remember the saying, where your attention goes, energy flows. By focusing your attention on your parenting for a few minutes a day for 21 straight days, you’re creative energy will flow in that direction.

The following journal prompts are to help you assess your relationships, thoughts, needs, and goals.

1. What is your relationship with your child like at this moment and how can it be improved?

2. What makes your child feel most loved?

3. What area do you need to improve in? Patience? Consistency? Calmness?

4. What or who inspires you to be a better parent? Why?

5. If you could start over in your parenting journey, what would you do differently? Can you start that now and make a difference?

6. Name one thing that you feel is keeping you from being the parent you want to be. What can you do about this?

7. What part of the day causes the most stress and how can it be changed?

8. Which of your child’s behaviors triggers you the most? Why?

9. What is the most important thing you can do for your child today?

10. Are your expectations of your child too high? Too low? Age appropriate?

11. Are your expectations of yourself too high?

12. Name 5 good qualities that your child possesses.

...Continue reading more Journal Prompts at Creative Child

25 Ways to Calm an Upset Child

The first step in teaching children how to manage their emotions is learning to manage our own. If adults are easily upset and thrown off balance, their children will usually follow suit. Growing ourselves may be the hardest part of parenting. Many of us are simultaneously learning new skills and trying to teach them to our children.

In The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting , I discuss the importance of owning our feelings and actions in chapter 6 and list several tools parents can use to calm their own upsets. I’ll share a few of these below:
Choose a mantra to repeat to yourself (or out loud) when you are angry. Examples are “I’m capable of remaining calm” or “I am safe; there is no emergency.” I find it helpful to repeat the beginning of a children’s book I always read to my children when they were very little. This brings back feelings of warmth and calm for me.Do something physical. Splash cold water on your face. Jog in place. Put on some music and dance. Get outside for fresh air.If you feel the need to yell, use a loud, silly voice or make a “toot toot” noise while cupping your mouth with your hands. Don’t worry about looking silly to your kids. They’d rather see you look silly than look scary.Practicing these steps when you are angry is a great way to teach your child emotional intelligence; they learn primarily through what we model for them.  While anger is the tough emotion many parents ask for help in dealing with, both for themselves and their children, feelings of worry, sadness, and many more difficult feelings need to also be managed. Below is a list of ways to calm an upset child (and yourself)!

Because everyone needs something a little different to calm with, choose which works best for your unique child. By teaching your child these skills, her emotional intelligence will grow as she learns to manage her emotions and her behaviors.

For Calming Anger:
Balloons stuffed with play-dough are fun to squeeze and a great way to release frustration. There’s a tutorial here at Somewhat Simple . Calm down jars are a very popular tool to calm children’s brains. Watching the glitter swirl and settle is soothing and shifts the brain out of fight, flight, or freeze and back to calm. You can find the instructions here at Instructables ! Hug it out. A simple hug can go a long way. Mr. Mad Balloons are balloons with angry faces drawn on them that children can pop when they are angry. You can tell the child to pop the Mr. Mad Balloons and watch the anger deflate. Breathing strategies are beneficial for calming and resetting the mind. Meaningful Mama suggests teaching your child to blow out their fingers like candles. Jumping jacks are a good way to release the energy flooding the body with intense emotion. Use a visual chart that says “When I’m angry, I can…” and paste photos of your child doing a number of the activities listed here. Point your child to the chart when needed. Create a calm down area filled with comforting items, like the one I talked about in this post. Ask the child to draw a mad face on a piece of paper, and then let him rip it apart and throw it away. Hand her a coloring book and some crayons. Offer a back rub. The children especially whose love language is touch will be soothed by a simple back rub. Create a busy center. This is much like the calm down area but with simple activities to busy the body and mind, such as putting pom poms through holes in a cardboard box, sorting cups, or busy boards like this one from Melissa and Doug. Make them laugh! Humor diffuses anger, so when you see frustration building in your child, do or say something funny. This shouldn’t be used if the child is already really upset, but it’s a good trick to diffuse frustration before it builds too high. Let them draw. You could cut a coloring page in half and paste it to a sheet of plain white paper and ask the child to draw the other half.For Calming Anger:
Balloons stuffed with play-dough are fun to squeeze and a great way to release frustration. There’s a tutorial here at Somewhat Simple . Calm down jars are a very popular tool to calm children’s brains. Watching the glitter swirl and settle is soothing and shifts the brain out of fight, flight, or freeze and back to calm. You can find the instructions here at Instructables ! Hug it out. A simple hug can go a long way. Mr. Mad Balloons are balloons with angry faces drawn on them that children can pop when they are angry. You can tell the child to pop the Mr. Mad Balloons and watch the anger deflate. Breathing strategies are beneficial for calming and resetting the mind. Meaningful Mama suggests teaching your child to blow out their fingers like candles. Jumping jacks are a good way to release the energy flooding the body with intense emotion. Use a visual chart that says “When I’m angry, I can…” and paste photos of your child doing a number of the activities listed here. Point your child to the chart when needed. Create a calm down area filled with comforting items, like the one I talked about in this post. Ask the child to draw a mad face on a piece of paper, and then let him rip it apart and throw it away. Hand her a coloring book and some crayons. Offer a back rub. The children especially whose love language is touch will be soothed by a simple back rub. Create a busy center. This is much like the calm down area but with simple activities to busy the body and mind, such as putting pom poms through holes in a cardboard box, sorting cups, or busy boards like this one from Melissa and Doug. Make them laugh! Humor diffuses anger, so when you see frustration building in your child, do or say something funny. This shouldn’t be used if the child is already really upset, but it’s a good trick to diffuse frustration before it builds too high. Let them draw. You could cut a coloring page in half and paste it to a sheet of plain white paper and ask the child to draw the other half.For Calming Worry:
Worry Peg Dolls can be helpful for children who have anxiety or a tendency to worry about things. Tell these little dolls all your worries and then place them under your pillow. Create an anti-anxiety kit like this one from The Chaos and the Clutter . Worry Eaters are cute plush critters with zipper mouths. Have your child write down their worries and then feed them to the Worry Eater. One Creative Elementary School Counselor keeps a box of worry stones. She says the idea is that, when you rub a stone, it will help your worries go away. Really, just fidgeting with the stone, feeling its smoothness and rolling it over and over in your hand, calms the brain.

...continue reading at Creative Child 

How to stop yourself from doing something you regret in a moment of anger by Andy Smithson

How to stop yourself  from doing something you regret in a moment of angerby Andy Smithson
Our kid's big emotions tend to be a major trigger to our big emotions as parents. Anger often begets anger. Emotions are truly contagious. With that said, our emotions do not have to be our masters.
I recently experienced a little emotional contagion of my own with my six year old son, Berkeley. As I emerged from the bathroom one morning I noticed that my oldest son Cuylar was huddled on my bed, the door to my room was locked and there was a rhythmic crashing and pounding coming from the door. I quickly deduced that Cuylar had teased Berkeley and now Berkeley was going to destroy my bedroom door as well as his brother if he could. It took only a second for my fiery indignation to go from 0 to 100 on the anger meter.  My initial thought was to fling open the door dramatically and yell commandingly for Berkeley to go to his room and “NEVER touch my door again!” Another thought was to grab him and remove him forcefully. Both of these thoughts ran through my mind even though my wife and I don't sue any of these tactics in our parenting. The contagious nature of his aggression and the damage he was doing to the door sent my mind down angry paths even though I have practiced and taught parents to calm themselves.
Instead of following those initial thoughts into a course of action I knew I would regret later, I saw the red flags and went straight to using the Quick Calm technique I teach to parents in my Stop Yelling in 21 Days Coaching Course. I gently opened the door as he continued to bang against it and looked at Berkeley. He was slightly startled by the door opening so I took the opportunity to get down on the floor at his level and softly held his hands in mine. I said to him, “You're really mad. I'm sorry you're so mad. I'm not going to let you hurt me, Cuylar or the door. Let's calm down.” Here's where you shake your head and say sarcastically, “I'm sure he just calmed right down.” Well, that's not what happened, at least not right away. He continued to push and fight and try to get to his brother. I offered him a hug to help him calm down. He refused. I tried to just sit holding his hands until he calmed but he didn't work eaither. Finally, I said, “I'm going to let go of your hands now but I won't let you hurt me or Cuylar or the door. I want to keep you and everyone else safe. I hope you will calm down so we can work things out and we don't have to separate from you.” I let go and he tore in the room determined to do the same thing to Cuylar that he was doing to the door. I quickly replied, “Think buddy. Don't hurt anyone.” he slowed himself and I could see the wheels turning in his head as he turn to look at me. He ambivalently walked to the edge of our bed and sat against the edge. His anger almost instantaneously dropped to a manageable level. He sat there breathing deeply. I walked to his side and thanked him for calming himself. I remarked, “You're really learning how to calm yourself down. Thanks for working hard on that.” He gave me a small smile and the hug that he had previously refused.
We've all been there:
It's no secret that we all have our moments. Parenting can be a great incubator for frustration, overwhelm, worry and irritation, all of which can lead very quickly to anger. There's nothing wrong with being angry from time to time. You're not a bad parent if you've been there. Anger is a natural response to threat, harm, injustice or disappointment and can actually be a useful emotion. It can teach us things about ourselves and our surroundings. It can help motivate us to change things. The trouble with anger is that it's often coupled with behavior that we are not particularly proud of and action that we regret.  Anger is compelling. It induces a sense of urgency that is rarely necessary in the conflicts we experience as parents.
We all know the results of acting in anger. Aggressive, cruel words, yelling, and frighting behavior often accompany our feelings of anger. Parents I counsel with and parents in my courses often say, “ I know that I want to teach through positive, gentle means but how do I stop myself when I'm in the middle of a fiery moment of anger?”
An ounce of prevention is worth a gallon of cure.
Spend some time identifying and understanding what makes you angry and why it makes you so angry. Think about other perspectives and ways to view your triggers. Seek to separate old hurts, traumas or grudges from new and unrelated situations. All of the points below are important to consider ahead of time, but steps 3 through 5 are the points of action that will save you and your child a lot of grief and regret later.
1.      Know what anger feels like to you. What does it feel like in your body and what do you think about? Think this out thoroughly and even write it down to bring it more clearly to your awareness.
2.      Separate Your anger from your negative behavior. They are not the same thing. Acknowledge that hitting, spanking, yelling, harsh words and punishment are not anger. They are non-thinking reactions to anger. Speak or write down other ways to express anger and/or resolve anger productively.
3.      Know your blinking red flags. Know your triggers for anger and your first involuntary reactions. Use those reactions as a new kind of trigger. Think about them as being a warning or prompt to slow down and act in some predetermined positive way (Step 4). Role play it ahead of time.
4.      Have a “go to” calming tool, phrase and action. “Any time _______ happens, I will _________.” Plan ahead of time with your kids to have a code word to alert each other to pause and calm before acting. Drastic sensory changes can help us “snap out of it.” Move slowly and deliberately.
5.      Accept and validate your anger and wait:“I'm angry. It's okay to be angry. Sometimes parents get angry when _________. Now I know what we need to work on or change.” Realize that the problem that needs to be solved can be more productively dealt with when your blood is no longer boiling. If all else fails, wait. Keep yourself and others safe but otherwise, wait.
If you do the preparation work here and practice following these steps, you'll be able to stop yourself from saying and doing things you regret in a moment of anger. It takes practice so be gracious with yourself and realize there will be mistakes. Don't wallow in those mistakes for too long. Simply use them as lessons in what worked or didn't work for you and prepare better for the next time around. If you would like help learning and applying these skills and many others to stop the frustration, yelling and hurt feelings in your home, the Stop Yellingin 21 Days Coaching Course starts soon. Register and put these skills to work for you and your family! 
In my exchange with my son Berkeley I was mad and that was okay, but if I had chosen to throw the door open, yell at him and threaten punishments we may have been there all day reinforcing each other's anger. I would have carried regret later for the diminishing of our relationship and with it the loss of my parental influence. Instead, he learned something about calming himself, the crisis was diverted and we were able to part ways with our relationship intact. No regrets, just helpful lessons. You can do it! Anger does not have to be the enemy. Start today and you'll find a much brighter tomorrow where you are happier, kids learn and your family thrives!

If you found his helpful and would like to learn more skills and techniques  and get the support you need to make it happen, learn morehere! When you register, you can download a free copy of the Quick Calm Toolkit immediately.
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About Andy:
I’m a city born GQ wannabe (sometimes I don’t shave for 2 days to get that cool scruffy look) transplant to rural Idaho. When I married almost 10 years ago, I traded in waiting on rush hour traffic for waiting on farming tractors and cattle crossings. I never used the phrase, “Do we need to go to town?” for anything until I started my family. I enjoy the solitude we find close to the snake river now.

Still, don’t mistake my new country environment for making me a country boy. We still have running water and electricity and even that new thing called the internet. In the summer the beautiful Snake river calls our family’s name several times a week. We love to play, swim and ski on the river. Come winter, the nearby mountains beckon to us. The whole family loves to snow ski and spend time making snowmen, snow forts and throwing snowballs.

The Tattletale Elf: Tips for Inspiring Good Behavior without the Help of Magical Elves

It’s taken over Pinterest. It’s all over Facebook. It’s all the rage. It’s the Elf on a Shelf. Supposedly this little magic elf comes to watch your children’s behavior and report back to Santa whether they’ve been naughty or nice. It also seems to get involved in all sorts of shenanigans while it’s running around magically alive while the children sleep.

It’s all in good fun, right? Well, maybe. I love these little elves and think they’re a blast. We have one too, although he’s a little different . Their silly antics can cause lots of laughter, and laughter is good for families. Laughter connects us. What disconnects us is using it as a tattletale elf.

From the Cambridge Dictionary: tattletale (noun) a person, especially a child, who secretly tells someone in authority, especially a teacher, that someone else has done something bad, often in order to cause trouble.

So, yes, the Elf on the Shelf is a big ole tattletale, running to tattle to Santa when the children misbehave so that they’ll be punished with a lump of coal.

Let’s try a short exercise.
Imagine for a moment that you’re dog tired and not in a very chipper mood. I know, it’s so hard to imagine, isn’t it? So, here you are, not feeling (or acting) your best. The kids are wired, the place is a mess, you have a to-do list a mile long, and bedtime can’t come fast enough.

Now imagine if your spouse had someone watching your every move and reporting back to, let’s say, your mother-in-law. Feeling resentful yet? You may be yelling less, but I’d bet you’re feeling disconnected from your spouse. And your mother-in-law. That’s because threats and tricks don’t change hearts. They don’t help us be better people.

At best, they force us to pretend to be better people as long as we are under a threat, but this only builds feelings of anger, resentment, and for some kids, shame. These feelings cause people to behave worse, not better.

To really thwart negative behavior and inspire positive behavior from your children, you have to have their hearts. You cannot change a heart that you can’t reach. The big secret to easier parenting is that your relationship matters most, so anything that disconnects and harms the relationship is moving in the wrong direction.

If you want better behavior from your children this holiday season, here are 5 ways to bring it out in them.

1. Fall back in love.
The love we feel for our children never goes away, but children don’t always feel our love, especially when we’ve been feeling like we don’t like them very much. Negative cycles can be tough to shake out of, but it’s really important that your child feels unconditionally loved, accepted, and valued by you. Re-frame any negative perceptions you’ve formed. For example, “stubborn” could be re-framed into “perseverant.” There’s always a positive side if you look hard enough. The way we feel about our children and their intentions affects the way we treat them.

2. Get your relationship right.
If your relationship has been strained and you’re feeling disconnected, your child is probably disconnected too. Re-connect through playing, being present without distractions, active listening, and finding ways to laugh together every day.

3. Be a team.
If you have an “us versus them” mentality, they’ll adopt it, too. This sets you up for years of power struggles. Let your child know you’re on her side. Getting out of the dictator or manager mindset and into a mentor or leader mindset will help you come alongside your children as the example and coach that they need through childhood.

4. Use consequences that teach.
If a consequence is necessary, aim for consequences that teach rather than just punish. I’ve written a full article explaining this in detail which you can find here .

5. Build them up.
Children who feel good about themselves will behave well. We should always be looking for the light in our children and reflecting it back to them. We want to see the good in them and help them see it, too.

Use encouraging phrases like these:
*That was so helpful. Thank you.
*You are so kind to do that.
*I’m proud of you for ___.
*I believe in you.
*I like spending time with you.
*You’re so much fun to be around!

Here are some alternative uses for your elves:

Kindness Elves by The Imagination Tree are a popular alternative.

Conscious Discipline suggests using heart-shaped glasses for your elf to see the good behaviors you want to inspire rather than the bad ones. Here’s a post on their Facebook page about it .

Happy Hooligans has 7 cute alternatives here .

Of course, you could always keep your current tradition, just ditching the tattletale part.



**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, click here.

Potty Training Tips that Really Help

Potty training is a funny thing. It almost becomes a competition between parents to see whose kids get trained the quickest. There’s real pressure on us to “perform” our parenting duties well, and one of the ways we prove what good parents we are is by having our children out of diapers ASAP. At least, that’s how I felt. So, when my first child, at the age of 2, trained in literally one day, never looking back, I was as proud as a peacock. Nailed it.

I had a terrific game plan and I executed it perfectly. I bought him cool new underwear and we made a big celebration of saying goodbye to diapers, with balloons and everything! I set up a colorful reward chart and promised him an awesome toy if he’d fill up the chart with stars. The morning started a little sketchy, but by mid-day, he was a pro! We clapped and danced, I gave him his stars, and by the end of the day, I was feeling pretty good about my skills. He never woke up wet again. He never asked for diapers again. It was done. Easy as pie. Slam dunk. I will accept my ribbon now, please.

Then, child number two happened. I pulled out my same bag of tricks and expected the same success. Nope. He not only was uninterested, he flat out resisted. Age two passed. Then three. The more I begged and pleaded with him to go in the potty, the more he dug in his heels. He was still in diapers at age 4, and I think it’s safe to say that I had to give back the ribbon and accept that I was, indeed, a failure. No amount of bribing would sway him, and by this time, I was well in my positive parenting journey and didn’t even believe in bribes. Desperate times call for desperate measures though, and these felt like desperate times.

Exasperated and defeated, I finally said, “You know what, son. How about you just let me know when you’re ready to use the potty. It’s your body, and I’m going to start trusting you with it, okay?” And then I stopped asking, bribing, pleading, and even talking about the toilet. I had lost the fight, and I limped away whimpering. You win, kid.

Much to my surprise, it wasn’t long after when he decided he was ready. Once he felt like it was his idea, he was all for learning to use the toilet. When I looked back on our whole potty learning journey, I realized there was really no point in stressing over it so much.

So, as a mom who both “succeeded” and “failed” at potty training my kids, I offer you these toilet training tips.

1. Get a little potty seat long before you expect they’ll want to learn.
Introducing it all at once and asking them to go in there can be a little too much for some children. Let it be just a normal little seat where your child can sit to listen to you read or watch a show. When they become curious about using it as a toilet, move it to the bathroom. They can sit there while they observe how you use the big toilet.

Children learn best simply from our modeling. You can then begin asking if they’d like to sit on it naked or to pee or poop in it. If the answer is no, just respect their answer and be patient.

Learning to use the toilet is a natural thing, so trust that it will happen. 

...continue reading tips 2 and 3 at Creative Child 




**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, click here.

Conscious Parents: Cultivating Self-Compassion

The one thing all conscious parents must have, I’ve learned, is self-compassion. As we become increasingly aware of the deep impact of our words and actions upon our children, it’s easy to get caught in a cycle of guilt and shame each time we miss the mark. We can put so much pressure on ourselves to be ever-present, aware, attuned, emotionally regulated, and self-controlled that anything less than perfection can feel like complete failure.
On her website, www.self-compassion.org , Dr. Kristin Neff defines compassion as having 3 parts:
 A notice of suffering A feeling moved to respond with warmth, caring, and a desire to help the suffering person, offering understanding and kindness rather than judging harshly, andA realizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of being human.Therefore, self-compassion is acting the same way toward yourself when you fail or are imperfect. She says, “Having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.”
Brene Brown, world-renowned researcher and author of The Gifts of Imperfection, says that self-compassion and forgiveness is one of the 10 guideposts of engaged parenting that emerged from her parenting research. She admits something that I can identify with very much, which is this: “I always thought that teaching [my children] self-love was mandatory and figuring it out in my own life was optimal but optional. This research has forced me to let go of that idea.”


I’ll be honest. I hate to let that idea go. I’ve already had to do so much inner work to be a conscious parent, and now I’m having to take on this, too. My inner critic is ruthless. She berates me on the smallest of things. Nothing ramps up feeling the need to be a perfect parent like being a parenting book author!

Even though my heart knows this journey is about progress, not perfection, my mind has a difficult time accepting that I’ll never get it 100% right. Yet there is one truth I know, and that Brene has reinforced, which is if I want my children to live it, I must show them how, not tell them how. With that in mind, I’ve turned back to Dr. Kristin Neff and her self-compassion exercises.


Exercise #1: Exploring Self-Compassion through Writing
In this exercise, Neff asks which imperfections make you feel inadequate – something what causes shame or makes you feel like you’re not “good enough.”
She advises to write about the issue that makes you feel inadequate and notice what emotions come up when you think about this aspect of yourself. Next, write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend. What would this friend say to you? In your letter, convey acceptance, understanding, and kindness.

The third part of this exercise is to then walk away from the letter for a while after you’ve written it, coming back later to read it again while letting the words sink in. Allow the compassion to pour in, comforting you.

Exercise #2: Self-Compassion Break
Think of a situation in your life that is causing you stress. Bring it to your awareness and actually feel the emotional discomfort. Say to yourself “this hurts” or “this is a moment of suffering.” This is being mindful of your situation. Next, put your hands over your heart and just acknowledge that you are not alone, and that we all struggle at times.

Then, practice repeating whichever phrase feels the most soothing to you. Examples are “may I be kind to myself,” “may I forgive myself,” and “may I be strong.”

Exercise #3: Changing Your Critical Self-Talk
Repeat these steps over a period of several weeks to transform how you treat yourself.
Notice when you are being self-critical . Note your inner speech. What is the tone of your voice? Does this voice remind you of anyone in your past? Get to know your inner-critic well. Soften the self-critical voice with compassion. You might say, “I know you feel worried about me, but you are hurting me.” Then allow your compassionate self to speak. Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. That might sound like this: “I’m feeling exhausted and need to rest. I snapped at my child because she got out of bed again and now I feel bad. I will go and apologize to her, give her a warm hug, and then I’ll set aside my to-do list and take 30 minutes to read my book. I deserve to be taken care of, too.”It’s true that parenting is hard work, but it isn’t growing the children that is so difficult. It’s growing ourselves. If you and I put in the work now to silence the inner critic and cultivate self-compassion, not only will we benefit, but our children will to.

Wouldn’t it be nice for them to grow up and not have to work so hard at loving themselves?

**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, click here.

The Ultimate Guide to Positive Discipline

This is the third post in my series of ultimate guides. First was The Ultimate Guide to Tantrums  and the second was The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Child to Listen . I’ve written before here about my three steps to positive discipline .

I thought it’d be helpful to share with your some scenarios which show what positive discipline looks like in action. These scenarios come from the book , Positive Parenting in Action: The How-To Guide for Putting Positive Parenting Principles into Practice , by Laura Ling and myself.

Scenario #1 - Danger:
Your 2-1/2 year old son doesn't like to hold hands when walking through parking lots or in large crowds. Every time you try to hold his hand, he pulls it away and tries to run, or he fusses at you and claims "I can do it myself!"

Behind the behavior: Independence
It’s a toddler’s job to start developing his autonomy and that means doing things on his own. Because he’s just starting to develop empathy (being able to see things from another's point of view) he doesn’t realize that the drivers may not see him or be able to stop in time. He just knows that he wants to walk the way he wants to walk and that running is fun, too.

Safety is non-negotiable. I wouldn't say to him, "Well OK, but please stay close" and risk him darting in front of a car or losing him in a crowd. Remember, positive parenting is not permissive parenting. While it’s important to foster independence and competency, it’s more important to keep him safe.

ACTION:
1. Before getting out of the car, explain to your toddler what is going to happen.

2. If you can offer him a choice, do so. "Would you like to ride in the stroller or hold my hand?" If the stroller/cart is not an option, explain in simple terms that you must keep him safe, and to do that, he needs to hold your hand.

3. As you take his hand, try to engage him in something that takes his mind off the hand-holding. "Let's look for red cars" or "let's skip to the door."

4. If he cries or protests, empathize with his upset. Get down on his level. "I know you want to walk by yourself, but my job is to keep you safe. I don't want you to get lost! Now let's look for red cars! There's one! Do you see another?"

5. If he still struggles to free himself, carry him. You may have to endure a few unpleasant ventures.

6. Acknowledge his need and empathize with his upset, but stick to your limit. He'll soon learn it's a non-negotiable.

Scenario #2 - Aggression:
Your 19-month-old is a biter. He has just bitten another child at a play date.

Behind the behavior:
It depends on what was happening at the play date. It could be frustration, anger, hurt feelings, or fear. Toddlers, even very verbal ones, can’t always articulate what they’re feeling or thinking. When something triggers a primal emotion, they will have access to even fewer words. Because the mouth is central to learning at this age, biting is a common expression of discomfort.

ACTION:
1. Remove your child to safety, make sure the child bitten is OK, and then set or reinforce your limit. "I won’t let you bite."

2. Validate his feelings; empathize with his upset. "You got mad because he took your truck. I see you're mad, but it’s not OK to bite. Biting hurts."

3. Let your child express his emotion safely, and problem-solve later.

The reason I suggest not talking about appropriate alternatives during the time it happens is because children do not take information in well when they are in "fight or flight" mode or are upset. They are much more likely to learn and retain information when they are calm.

4. Build his empathy muscles by asking him to look at the child he bit and name what that child is feeling. “Look at his face. He looks really upset. How can you make this better?”

5. Encourage him to repair the relationship either with a verbal apology (his choice, not forced) or a hug or drawing. Let him decide how to make the repair as you encourage him to empathize with the other child.

6. If you feel a consequence is necessary, you could choose to leave the play date or tell him if it happens again, he will have to go home.

Key Note: Don't bite him to show him how it feels.
You'd be surprised at how many parents would advise you to do this. Remember, you are the model for appropriate behavior!

Scenario #3 - Sibling Rivalry:
Sally (5) is playing with her teddy bear. Her sister, Emma (3), grabs the teddy bear from Sally. Sally tries to grab it back and they end up in a tug of war, both yelling at each other to “stop it!”

Behind the behavior: Competition
Both children want the same thing, but they don’t know how to negotiate. Many toys become desirable just because someone else has it. Some kids also use snatching as a way to initiate play.

ACTION:
1. State what you see happening. “You both want to play with the teddy bear. How can we solve this?”

2. Wait for their suggestions at this point, if they come. If not, throw some out there. “One of you could pick a different toy to play with, or you can take turns with the teddy bear. Which sounds best to you?” Realize this is not likely to go smoothly at first, but you’re teaching a valuable lesson here.

3. Validate each child’s feelings. If Sally says, “Mom! I was playing with it and she stole it!” then you might say, “I understand that you’re frustrated she took your toy. I will talk to her about snatching.” Emma chimes in “Not yours! It’s mine!” so you say, “You think it’s your bear and didn’t want Sally to have it.”

Often feeling heard and validated dissipates the anger.

4. Once you help them reach a solution, show them how to carry it through. If they decided to take turns with it, they may need your help if they don’t understand the concept that well yet.

5. Later, when Emma is calm, talk to her about the importance of being respectful to her sister, and how snatching is not respectful but instead she should use her words to ask for the teddy bear, then practice doing that with her.

6. If a peaceful agreement cannot be reached between the children, you will need to choose for them and ensure it’s carried out.

In addition to these scenarios, I’ve gathered great posts from positive parenting experts and educators to include in this ultimate resource.

These are worth saving, pinning, or otherwise bookmarking for easy reference along your parenting journey.

Discipline that Works by Dr. Laura Markham

Positive Discipline 101 by A Fine Parent

From Control to Connection by Alison Smith

Twelve Positive Discipline Parenting Strategies that Work by Andrea Nair

Don’t Waste another Consequence: Discipline Tips that Work by Nicole Schwarz

Tips for Parents to Connect Versus Correct by Chelsea Lee Smith

Better Understanding Boundaries and Consequences by Sandra Fazio

Are You a Conscious Parent? By Alison Smith

10 Tools for More Intentional Parenting by Lemon Lime Adventures

Practice Positive Discipline by Attachment Parenting International

And, if you’re having trouble explaining your discipline philosophy to your child’s caregivers, this handy hand-out from Drs. Tina Payne-Bryson and Daniel Siegel, authors of No-Drama Discipline, explains it clearly.

**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, click here.

The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Child to Listen

Life would be so much smoother if our children would just cooperate, wouldn’t it? If they’d just listen to us about bedtime, mealtime, chores, etc., and happily comply with our requests, we’d all get along just fine. After all, how hard can it be to eat your vegetables, pick up your toys, brush your teeth, and go to bed? Right?

Unfortunately, the common ways in which we try to force cooperation, such as punishment (or the threat of punishment), nagging, and yelling, actually drive our kids further from wanting to cooperate. Which is why it seems like the more we yell and nag, the more we have to yell and nag.
And while nothing is going to guarantee 100% compliance, there are some things you can do that will greatly increase the likelihood that your child will listen more and want to cooperate with you.
I call these the 3 C’s of cooperation:

1. Connection:
Our relationship with our children is the secret to cooperation. It’s what gives them a desire to please us. Children who feel securely attached are more likely to cooperate simply because they feel close to us. They respect us, look up to us, and want to please us out of that genuine love and respect they feel. I write a lot about connection as I believe it is the single most important key to parenting. If you want to raise cooperation levels, raise your connection levels!

More of my articles on connection:
10 Ways to Connect with Your Child
Connection-Based Discipline
Creating Connection Through Correction
50 Ways to Love a Child

2. Consistency:
There is a calm but firm way to enforce your limits and follow through with your requests. This is not the same as threatening, but rather it is simply taking leadership action. Here are 3 positive follow through options to try:

Positive Follow Through Option 1:
For very young children, I recommend you gently guide them to the toys and point to the mess and then to the bins. This simple directive is easy for young tots to understand.
Stay close and ensure the task is complete, and then thank them! Say phrases like “I appreciate you putting your toys away." or "That was so helpful. Thank you!”

Positive Follow Through Option 2:
Add a bit of fun to the routine by playing music, making up a song, or asking your child to beat the timer. The more play you can add in your day, the more cooperative your child will become because play is a great way to help them feel connected.

Again, when it’s done, let them know you appreciate their work.

Positive Follow Through Option 3:
My children are getting older now, so when I find toys laying around, I drop them into a marked bin. My bin reads “Put this away please!” There’s no ransom to pay to get it back.
I did say this to my kids: “Whatever I find laying around, I will put in this box for you. Before bed, I need you to please empty the box and put everything where it goes.”

That was it, and they have cleaned out the bin every night.
I’ve also noticed that each day, I’m having to put less and less in the bin. My expectations grow as they do, so when they’re a little older, they’ll be responsible for putting things away quicker, but I’m decades older and still don’t put all my things away as soon as I’m finished. So until I master it, I won’t expect them to. Tidy, not perfect, is my mantra!

However you choose to handle it, be consistent. Don’t ask multiple times. Get up and take a positive leadership action every time after asking once or twice, and it won’t take long for them to get the point.

3. Capability:
Make sure what you’re expecting of your child is something he or she is developmentally capable of doing.

Expecting a 14-month-old toddler to sit through a 30-minute meal and clean her plate is unreasonable. Wanting a 2-year-old to keep his toys cleared away, his room tidy, and the pets fed may be asking a bit much. I’ve seen the chore charts for toddlers on Pinterest! I know some of you are wishing your kids would happily check off their lists, too, but I’m betting the cute and colorful chart doesn’t really inspire any tot.

I once read an article from a mother whose children completed an impressive list of chores each day and I admit it left me feeling envious.

Don’t compare to compete; it’s a trap! Know what your child’s capabilities are and expect no more or less than that.

Once again, I’ve gathered the best posts from my parenting expert and educator friends to help you encourage cooperation from your child, just in case my advice isn’t helpful for your situation or you didn’t find specifically what you were looking for above.

General Cooperation:
What to Do When a Child Won’t Listen by Andrea Nair

35 Phrases for Encouraging Cooperation Between Child and Parent by Ariadne Brill

Why Threats and Bribes Don’t Lead to Cooperation and What to Try Instead by Ariadne Brill

The Secret Art of Playfulness by Andy Smithson

How to Stop Sounding Like an Owl and Create a Blame-Free Home by Prana Boost

Mealtime Cooperation:
15 Transformative Phrases to Use with Your Fussy Eaters by Sarah Remmer

Getting Kids to Eat What the Family Eats Without Battles or Tantrums by Amy McCready

End the Mealtime Battles Once and For All by Nicole Schwarz

Bedtime Cooperation:
This Simple Chart Will Make Your Kid Sleep Through the Night by Kelly Holmes

Head Back to School and Make Bedtime Smarter by Alanna McGinn

Overcoming Bedtime Hassles by Positive Discipline

Cleaning Up Cooperation:
One Tip to Get Your Kids Helping Around the House by Nicole Schwarz

Children, Chores, and Drudgery by Hand in Hand Parenting

Still feeling like an overwhelmed parent? Read this article  to chase away the parenting blues!

**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, click here.

Black Friday Parenting eBook Sale

Hoorah! It's a Black Friday Parenting eBook Sale!

Get The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting for just $3.


The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting Second Edition is an award-winning international best-seller.  It won the 2015 Book of the Year award from Creative Child Magazine and the Top Choice Award 2015 from Baby Maternity Magazine. Here's what people are saying:

This book was perfect. It was interesting and practical. If I wasn't a parent to a newborn and toddler, and a bonus dad to four teens, I would have time to read parenting books :)) My wife suggested I read this so I understand the heart of positive parenting, surprisingly I really got into it. I'm glad I made the time because this stuff changes lives.- Wesley S.

I love this book! Really looking at every situation and understanding the deeper issue is so eye opening. Building your relationship on love is the best thing you can do, in my opinion. And Rebecca Eanes has done a fantastic job of giving you tips with everyday scenarios and what might be the deeper issue and how to address it. I wish every parent would read this book!! - Jason G.

I really wanted to make the shift to positive parenting and Rebecca Eanes wrote an excellent book on the subject. My book is already dog-eared and highlighted as I Iove to go back and remind myself of tips after I get the kids to bed. Some of the suggestions are laid out with examples which is so helpful. I found myself reading outloud to my husband at times when we needed a direction shift. If you are interested in putting a focus on positive parenting then this is the beginner's book for you! I plan on getting the other book that she has written on the subject as well. - Amazon reviewer


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Positive Parenting in Action walks parents through more than 40 scenarios to show how positive parenting is put into action! We address tantrums, aggression, lying, mealtime battles, sleep issues, and much more. It has also been an international best-seller! Here's what people are saying:

With a two month old, 2 and a half year old, and a 7 year old, I found helpful advice for all areas of parenting struggles that we face. This book provided the gift of letting go of the past and being hopeful for the future armed with this information and clear cut advice. EMPATHY is recommended to be at the forefront of every action and reaction, and this philosophy is a true middle ground between being permissive and being too strict and caught up with punishment and nagging. I feel like I was already doing most of this stuff but it was a very helpful refresher and cleared up a few things I was unsure or doubting myself on. I'm truly excited for tomorrow and all the rest after a tough parenting day and am thankful for these wise words. - Ali

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The Ultimate Guide to Tantrums

Photo credit: Creative Child Magazine

Tantrums. They’re one of the most talked about behaviors in the parenting world. They’re even one of the top behaviors that cause parents to lose their cool with their kids. No doubt, tantrums give parents a hard time. The truth is, though, that during a tantrum, your child is having a hard time. Tantrums aren’t always a matter of defiance, especially in young children. There’s a logical, scientific, brain-based reason why your child is throwing a fit, and armed with this knowledge, you can handle tantrums more effectively.

As parents, we are usually given these 2 pieces of advice about tantrums.
Ignore the child.NEVER give in.We are told that if we engage with a child in any way during a tantrum, we are basically reinforcing the bad behavior. We believe if we ignore it, the behavior will stop, and because we are led to believe that a tantruming child is a manipulative child, we know we must never, at any cost, give in to their demands.

Unfortunately, this advice has us only looking at the behavior, not at the often-hurting child behind it. It drives us to push away our children rather than bringing them closer and offering comfort in times of need. Tantrums are a strong emotional reaction to a stimulus. When the information coming in trips an alarm and gets sent to our more primitive limbic system rather than our cortex (the higher brain which houses logic and reasoning), a tantrum can result. It actually takes a lot of maturity and self-control to not tantrum, because when that alarm gets tripped, our bodies get flooded with hormones that make us want to fight or run.

Yes, sometimes kids have a tantrum just to get their way. Tina Bryson, PhD calls this an upstairs tantrum. The child is in control (not acting from the lower brain), and pitching a fit to try and get her way. This is embarrassingly similar to our parental tantrums, isn't it? "My kid won't do anything I say until I start screaming!" So, we pitch a fit to get our kid to act. Then, we get really mad when our kid pitches a fit to get us to act.

But the truth is that doesn't mean that you are manipulative or mean or bad. It doesn't mean your kid is either. It simply means that, at that particular moment, both of you are out of resources. You have no idea how to get your need met in that moment other than to tantrum.

In either case, ignoring a child isn’t going to be effective. If it even appears to work, it’s likely she’s just learned to stuff her feelings down and not show them to you, which has no place in a healthy relationship.

The advice to never give in also isn’t helpful. It’s a blanket statement that doesn’t take into account the many different scenarios and personalities in play. If the child wants the blue cup and you bristle, refusing to give the blue cup just so you “don’t give in,” ask yourself if giving the blue cup is really going to ruin your kid. I don’t like the term “pick your battles” but there isn’t much point in making mountains out of molehills. There are enough mountains to climb as is.

So, what’s a parent to do when a child has a tantrum? I’ve asked my parenting expert and educator friends to send me their best tantrum resources, and I’ve compiled them for you in one place, the Ultimate Guide to Tantrums.

For Brain Science:
Upstairs and Downstairs Tantrums by Tina Payne-Bryson, PhD
Why We Should NOT Ignore a Tantrum by Tina Payne-Bryson, PhD
Why Kids Have Temper Tantrums by Dirt & Boogers
The End of All Tantrums by Nathan McTague

Preventing Tantrums:
4 Surefire Ways to Prevent Tantrums by Dirt & Boogers
How to Stop Tantrums Now and Prevent Them Later by TRU Parenting
5 Keys to Setting Limits that Minimize Tantrums and Meltdowns by Parenting Beyond Punishment

Tips for Handling Tantrums:
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My! By L.R. Knost
How to Manage Toddler Tantrums by Nicole Schwarz
A Brain-Based Way to Stop Your Child’s Tantrum by Nicole Schwarz
Getting Rid of Car Seat Tantrums by Creative with Kids
Tantrums: Emotional Regulation or Pure Manipulation? by Not Just Cute
How to Turn a Temper Tantrum into a Teachable Moment by The (Reformed) Idealist Mom
Stop Tantrums: 33 Phrases to Use with Toddlers by Andrea Nair
Tantrum Tamers: 32 Phrases to Use with 3 and 4 Year Olds by Andrea Nair

There’s an App for That!
Who can remember all of that great information in the moment every single time? Now there’s an incredible app! The Taming Tantrums app was developed a positive parenting expert and is helpful for more than just tantrums. It’s available for iPhone and Android.

My Tantrum Tips:

I know you don’t have time to read all of those at once, so here are my tips for dealing with tantrums:

1. Never withdraw your love and attention.
You don't have to necessarily give the child more attention, but don't ignore his very existence. That hurts. Acknowledge his distress and empathize with it, even if you have to do it from a distance. Some children want held, some want left alone, all want to feel loved and understood.

2. Teach her to recognize and label emotions.
There are a lot of ways to do this besides just naming them as they happen. There are free printables online, books, and other resources to teach emotional intelligence. Also, help them see and acknowledge what triggers them. "You get really upset when it's time to leave Grandma's. Let's work on ways to help you feel better about that."

3. Teach specific ways to deal with emotions.
My son used to love to pop a balloon when he was angry. He was two years old at the time. All kids (and adults) have different ways of calming themselves. Some like music. Others reading. Still others need to do something physical like clap their hands or rip paper. If they have an appropriate outlet for releasing their frustration, over time they'll learn to seek that outlet first.

4. Don’t punish. Teach.
Talk about whatever caused the tantrum after it's over and talk about ways to improve or handle the situation better. Teaching skills is always more effective than punishment. Just be sure to wait until the tantrum is over because when they’re operating from that lower brain, they aren’t going to take in the lesson.

5. Control yourself.
Tantrums can trigger our own strong emotional reaction. Put your own oxygen mask on first. We can’t teach kids how to do better if we can’t do better ourselves.

6. Give a little grace.
We are all human beings here. That doesn't excuse poor behavior, but if you've ever lost it on your kid, you can empathize with that strong feeling that makes us all behave poorly from time to time. Learn better. Teach them better. Give a little grace when it's needed.

There are loads of articles on the web about tantrums, all with contradicting advice, and many of them will tell you it’s best to ignore the child. It can be difficult to know what you should really do.

A good guiding question: How would you want to be treated?

I encourage you to tune in and listen to what your own heart tells you to do.

**This article was originally published at Creative Child Magazine.



For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, click here.