Leandra Medine's Blog, page 644

Are You Sick of Your Lame Friend Who Isn’t on Instagram?

The argument against Instagram, Snapchat and the like is repeated so often that if I were a member of the Baha Men and we were still a notable band, I’d recommend we change the word “dogs” to “parrots” in our most popular song, thus passive-aggressively hinting — via catchy jingle! — that certain people need to stop reiterating what has already been said: “it takes away from the present moment.”

Instagram, Snapchat and co. are not life-Grinches. They are not Robin Hoods. No one is stealing hours from your life; no one is robbing you of your childhood. You know what does take away from the moment, however?

When you spend five minutes trying to tag your stupid friend and then realize that he or she does not have Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Vine. That robs me of me-time. That steals hours from my soul.

But it is fruitless — not to mention mind-numbing — to complain without a plan of action. Merely texting he or she who refuse to partake in your digital space of choice will do nothing; at this point it’s like, do they even have a phone? Before you resign your friend to a tree house life of communicating with paper cups, however, try sending them our handy, dandy Social Media Request form.

It’s causal, it’s persuasive, and most importantly, it’s fast. All you have to do is copy and paste the below into a text or email:

Dear [Your Friend’s Name Here],

It has recently come to my attention that you do not have [insert social media platform here]. That really sucks!

Here are some reasons why:

1) Without you, there is one less person to [choose one or all] like my picture/Tweet/comment/open my double chin Snapchat. This hurts my self esteem.

2 – Facebook/Instagram/Vine) If we’re in a group picture together and your tag is missing, people will think you’ve since died.

2 – Twitter) If I’m mentioning all of my best friends in a Tweet, people will think we’re in a fight. Or that you died.

3) You are un-stalkable. This is no longer a good thing in the world of job interviews and dating. A clean slate is a clean slate. A blank one is sketchy.

Maybe you don’t have [insert social media platform here] because you don’t have a fun username. That’s ok! Plenty of people these days follow the tried-and-true routine of First Name-Last Name-Underscore-Birth Year. If you need something jazzier, try this:

1) Take the name of the street you grew up on.

2) If it was a number, use the name of your town instead.

3) Now, take the name of your first pet.

4) Combine, and voila. So what if that’s also your hypothetical stripper name? It’s catchy!

It is possible, of course, that you simply don’t have [insert social media platform here] because you don’t know how to download it. That’s okay. No judgement zone. If so, sign up for [choose one or all below]:

Facebook here!

Twitter here!

Vine here!

Snapchat here!

Instagram here!

Can’t wait to see you on the other side of the glass screen, buddy.

Love,

[Your name here]

***

And if you’re wondering why all those links took you to Man Repeller stories? Um… Internet glitch! Bye!

(But you do know we have Snapchat, right? Follow us: man_repeller

Original image via Mashable.

MR Round Table: Does “You Do You” Perpetuate Narcissism?

Leandra Medine: This week we’re round-tabling an article that appeared in The New York Times Magazine two weeks ago titled, How ‘You Do You’ Perfectly Captures Our Narcissistic Culture. Do you think that “doing you” perpetuates narcissism?

Amelia Diamond: I think it’s a sentiment that we reiterate frequently on Man Repeller. It’s pretty true to our ethos; that’s what MR is founded upon right? I’m going to “do me” when it comes to clothes. I think we use that term frequently in our writing, too. Reading this article made me realize these axioms that we use — “boys will be boys,” “no offense” — which Mattie touched on — they’re defense mechanisms. If we say that line, we’re untouchable. I definitely use “you do you” as a crutch. My point being: I don’t see it so much as narcissistic as I see it as a crutch.

LM: It’s like the exclamation point at the end of an e-mail.

Esther Levy: It’s kind of like emojis, too. We rely on specific emojis to emit that which we wouldn’t have otherwise been able to say.

LM: You can either define “doing you” as being the most honest, authentic, sincere and also kind version of yourself — because kindness seems to be a character trait inferred by authenticity and sincerity as far as I’m concerned — or, you can take it to mean something else. I don’t necessarily know that it might be perpetuating narcissism, but it might be perpetuating evil. I just don’t know if that evil is authentic to anyone.

Colson Whitehead [the author of the article] writes, “‘You do you,’ taken to its extreme, provides justification for every global bad actor. The invasion of Ukraine is Putin being Putin, Iran’s nuclear ambitions Khamenei being Khamenei. Haters gonna hate.”

EL: He’s being facetious, though, to suggest that if we continue to use the term as a pardon, we might, by virtue of that, condone dangerous things.

AD: It’s like that quote, “You can swing your arms at me so long as you don’t touch my nose.” When “you do you” affects someone else, that’s when it becomes a problem. Maybe that’s also when it becomes narcissism: when you do you something for the sake of yourself and disregard others.

LM: Right. Are you actually “doing you” though? Or are you doing what/who you want you to be? That’s when the meanings become convoluted.

Sophie Milrom, founder of EatPops, Man Repeller contributor: I think there’s a difference between how it’s used in pop culture, and the inferences that this article was making. A lot of the people that this article mentioned were people who are in positions of leadership, like Obama and Putin.

When you assume a position where you’re responsible for a huge population, you’re no longer entitled to use “you do you” as a way of excusing your actions either in advance or retroactively. The way millennials use it is more appropriate for decisions that really have no impact on people. It’s more about autonomy and having room to do what suits you in any given situation, without feeling obligated to worry about everyone else.

AD: There’s a funny Instagram I keep seeing that says, “Every day I struggle with ‘I want to look good naked,’ versus ‘you do you’ or ‘YOLO,'” which is so true. We sit there and say, “I’m going to eat a salad, I’m going to workout” and then later that night you get to a restaurant and your friend’s like, “Just have some guacamole and 500 margaritas,” and you’re like “YOLO!” That YOLO term too — they’re different — but they go hand in hand.

In last night’s episode of Southern Charm (sorry for that), one of the characters, Greg, just graduated law school and he’s last in his class to take the bar and everyone’s freaking out because he’s partying too much and doing a really shit job at work. All of his friends are like, “Dude, shape up. Clean your room, stop drinking seven nights a week and study for the bar.” And his argument is like, “Why do you care? I’m doing me!” That’s straight up selfish and narcissistic. At what point do you say, “Now it’s time for me to contribute to society”? Which is not “you doing you.”

SM: I read somewhere that life is like being on an airplane. If and when something goes wrong and the oxygen masks come down, the instructions on the plane always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting a child. The idea is that if you’re trying to save the child, and you pass out, you’re both going to die. If you save yourself first, you’re actually better suited to save the child. I think that’s doing you: putting yourself in a position where you’re doing what you need to be doing for yourself, and that enables you to be a better friend, employee or parent. But, a lot of the examples given in this article are more like, Someone’s hijacking the plane, and that’s a totally different situation.

EL: Something I found interesting in this article is that, yes, “me doing me” indicates a level of narcissism. But if I tell Amelia, “you do you,’ that also indicates a level of narcissism on my part. It implies that I think what you’re doing is okay because I would do it. I approve of you doing you.

AD: It’s a little bit of the devil on your shoulder. Memes are ruining my life, but there’s another one that goes, “I end all of my advice to friends with, ‘Idk though, you do you,’ so that it’s not my fault if I ruin someone’s life.” Which is kind of funny, because you can give someone a whole speech like, “Divorce him! He’s not right for you!” but if you end it with, “I don’t know though, you do you,” you can’t be held accountable.

LM: That is where the narcissism comes in though. I’d like to touch a little bit more upon narcissism in 2015 and whether or not the definition has changed in the wake of social media and the personal branding that is involved in our existences online. I think in order to discuss “you do you” in a narcissistic capacity, we need to define narcissism. Is there healthy narcissism? Is there malignant narcissism?

SM: Narcissism is a personality disorder. It is an excessive interest in yourself, very often also in your appearance to others. So the defining characteristics of narcissism are seeing yourself through other peoples eyes, and having an obsessive need to understand how you appear to others.

It’s also on a spectrum. Having zero narcissism would be problematic. Then a certain point, if you have enough narcissism you have what’s diagnosable as narcissistic personality disorder. Something I’d like to note is that narcissistic personality disorder is one of the hardest disorders to treat. Because of the way narcissists interact with other people, it makes it really hard for them to end up with the right therapists. Because they will normally find a therapist who ends up feeding their narcissism. It’s one of the trickiest psychological phenomenons out there.

AD: If there’s a spectrum, and a total lack of narcissism is problematic, then that means yes, there is some level of healthy narcissism.

Social media feeds our inner narcissist. Duh. We’re looking for likes and Twitter followers. But this narcissism doesn’t harm anyone. It’s just “us doing us.”

LM: You have to really intellectualize the concept of “doing you” in order to find the perpetuation of narcissism in it. I do still believe that there is healthy narcissism. Maybe it’s called vanity?

SM: It would be very unpleasant to be around someone with zero narcissism. But there’s a difference between narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. People who have that disorder — it defines them and their relationships.

AD: Then this concept of “you do you” can’t perpetuate narcissistic personality disorder — like you said, NPD is a medical condition. It’s there regardless of slogan.

SM: It can be a tool. A person with narcissistic personality disorder probably cares more about followers and likes then somebody without it.

LM: And is someone who also wants to be celebrated for “doing themselves.”

AD: Someone who wasn’t previously inclined to be narcissistic, who then signed up for Instagram and saw that this whole community was based on praise of self, that can proliferate and grow one’s narcissism. I don’t think all of these kids who are obsessed with their selfies started that way.

SM: I agree. I think it’s definitely a “chicken and the egg.” Narcissism can also stem from insecurity. Maybe you sign on to Instagram and you see what everyone else is sharing, and you feel the need to compete, and you get a certain sensation from participating and it triggers each thing to be more intense.

LM: But what is a narcissist’s relationship like with third party individuals? Do they not care about their activities either? Or do they feed on their existing and posting also?

SM: Interesting.

EL: I think a narcissist would care about other people’s accounts, because by liking a photo, I’m validating that what this person posted is right. I like a picture because I believe it reflects me. I like a style photo because I would personally dress like this.

AD: Of course. But don’t we also follow people with whom we have nothing in common?

SM: I definitely am not living the same life as the Fat Jewish, but nothing makes me happier than the things he posts online.

AD: When he sits in a vat of chili, there’s no greater reply than, “you do you.” But isn’t that what our society is literally begging for right now? Mass acceptance of everything. You were born a man and you don’t want to be a man, Bruce Jenner? Do you.

LM: But it’s also very easy for us to say that because we’re emotionally detached from these situations. If that was your father you’d be like, “Don’t ‘do you,’ you need to do what is best for me.”

SM: When it comes to parenting, that’s a position where you assume responsibilities for somebody else. The day you become a parent — whether you did intentionally or not — you became responsible for another human being. If you run for president, you give up a certain abilities to make selfish decisions. I think that’s something the article didn’t necessarily do a good job of differentiating. Are people doing this for self-preservation? To what extent are they doing it as a way of managing their own personal lives?

AD: Do you guys feel like you do you?

LM: I don’t think I do me all of the time. I don’t think I can. There’s too much on my plate.

AD: So when do “you do you”? Or when is it okay?

LM: If I was “doing me,” I would not be eating all of the food groups. I would live on ice cream. But because there are grains and carrots and a cup of almond milk and a piece of chicken on my plate, and all of those need to be satisfied in some way, I need to be able to accommodate all of them. I need to make sure they’re satisfying me in the most operative way possible, and that I’m giving them all of the attention they need to operate in the best way possible.

So, I don’t think I do me all of the time, no. I do think that “you do you” operates as a blanket qualifier the same way “boys will be boys” or “haters gonna hate” do. Do you think you do you?

SM: I think a good example of “you do you” is social obligations. We live in New York and everyone at this table probably has things every week that they commit to but don’t want to do. I give myself a lot of wiggle room to cancel plans. If I’m supposed to see a friend, and 8 p.m. rolls around and I’m really exhausted, I’m actually being a better friend by going to bed early versus showing up in a bad mood or zoning out.

If it was somebody’s wedding, I’m not going to say, “I’m not going to go because I was in the mood for a good yoga stretch,” but I think it’s okay to give yourself a lot of leeway within a certain framework. It shouldn’t be a blanket statement for any situation, but I think that if you can appreciate nuance, a lot of the time, it’s okay to stop and think about your needs before you make decisions.

AD: I don’t think I do me a lot at all. Social obligations, definitely not. The number one thing that the whole world says about me is, “You need to learn to say no.” I am very aware of what others expect of me and I try to rise to that. I’m very “me do me” when it only effects me.

The people who “do themselves” the most are little kids. They don’t want to wear pants, so they take their fucking pants off. They need to pee, they pee. There’s no more baseline level of “doing you” than children. They don’t have societal constructs, they don’t know to do anything other than “them.” It all ties back to maturity.

LM: Do you think that “you do you” has the potential to become an insult?

AD: Totally.

EL: I think it’s interesting that “you do you” has to indicate a level of flippancy or immaturity. I think it’s what you make of it. I don’t think “me doing me” is sitting home eating a tub of ice cream — it’s taking care of myself.

AD: Right, but would “us doing us,” on a beautiful day, really be sitting inside at work?

LM: Well, it’s us doing us within the boundaries.

AD: I’m talking about sans boundaries.

EL: “Doing you” is being a responsible adult.

AD: I don’t know that “you do you” means “being your true self, at your core, inherent level.” You do you means: do what ever the fuck you want. It’s being sporadic.

SM: I don’t think it means that at all. I think it means do what you need to do, and don’t worry so much about what other people think.

AD: But don’t you think that if you don’t care what other people think, that’s sort of saying, “I’m going to do me.”

SM: You came to work for a lot of reasons, it’s not an abundant concern for the way others perceive you.

AD: Well, me being at the office right now doesn’t mean it’s me. The “you” implied in “you do you” isn’t necessarily your core self. It’s a little bit of, “fuck it.” That’s how I think society uses it at least. That’s why we can use it as a disclaimer. A shrug. That’s why “boys will be boys” is in the same family. When I say, “me do me,” it doesn’t indicate that I’ve meditated on myself spiritually.

LM: Do you think that it’s okay that we’re called a narcissistic culture?

EL: I think it’s valid.

LM: Definitely, but is it acceptable?

SM: It almost condones it. It’s meant to shame us, and instead we embrace it. Selfies have become so wrong they’re right. People are so shameless at this point because it’s been formalized. If there was no name for it, that would be so weird and unacceptable. It’s like, “I’m in on the joke when I partake in being narcissistic.”

AD: When you think about our grandparents’ generation, they were the selfless generation right? Never complained, worked hard, didn’t believe in allergies…I don’t know if that’s for better or for worse; but they’re considered the golden generation.

SM: I think it’s for the better. In New York there’s a lot of compare and despair. It’s really easy to lose sight of what’s important to one’s self. There’s so much action and insight into what people are doing at any given moment. I think not having that information is easier and gives you more grounding. You’re able to focus on what’s in front of you. It’s like being at a party on a Saturday night and not thinking about what else is going on.

Nobody in this room is like, “Oh, I wonder what’s going on on Mars right now!” The information is not available to us, so we’re not thinking about it.

AD: Susan Miller actually told us.

SM: But it’s Saturday night and you’re at a party and you’re thinking about the thousand other places you can be. I think it’s healthier and easier to not be inundated with information that’s going on with other people. Me “doing me” is not checking that stuff. Because I’m like, “Where is it getting me?”

AD: So “you doing you” is not a destructive wild naked baby in a fine china shop.

SM: I think it’s saying, “I trust you to make the right decision for you.” If I said to you, “Amelia, you do you,” that’s me saying, “As your friend that really cares about you, I trust you’ll make the decision that’s right for you.”

EL: I like that. I think that’s what it should be.

Check out past Round Tables here. 

Image via YouTube.

MR Writers Club Prompt: The Best You’ve Ever Had

Advice, man. It’s tricky. They say you can never learn from someone else’s experience — that you have to make your own mistakes in order to finally understand those axioms used as cautionary tales against the repetition of ill-fated histories.

My mom always told me that “in life, moderation is key.” Of course, I was like: what does that even mean? You want me to be a moderator? My mom doesn’t know anything. Kit Kat bars are horrific “in moderation.” They’re meant to be eaten in bulk. Costco is a proof of this concept.

Cut to the premiere of Stephanie Soechtig’s Fed Up in 2014, a film aimed to reposition our perceptions on processed sugar and the detrimental properties they carry, which disguise themselves as kid-friendly indulges that plainly attack our bodies until, you know, the big D. (Diabetes.)

The thing about the big D is that people outside of America enjoy the sporadic processed treat, too. You don’t hear about their multifarious and plentiful bodily conditions, which is likely because they abide by a simple regulation called — bingo — moderation. So there’s one that took high levels of anxiety propelled by high blood sugar to realize.

My dad used to tell me that how smart I am is not measured by how much I know, it’s measured in the people with whom I surround myself. When he first imparted that nugget of wisdom I was like, Okay, you’re not from The Americas, so I’ll let this one slide, but so we’re both clear, my level of smartness is 100% contingent on me. And the books I read. And the television shows I choose not to watch.

Cut to amorous relationship #1 with man who retains decent-sized peanut for brain. I spent the majority of that relationship thinking nothing of the way in which he spelled Rockefeller Center (“rakafela senter”), until one day, I found that I had forgotten to spell, too. Couple that with his breaking up with me and ba da bing, ba da boom: I’m the dumbest girl in the room.

You might be wondering where the prompt is, right? But it’s in those experiences! My attempt was to show, not tell. Or, in other words, the long-winded version of: what’s the best advice you’ve ever received, but didn’t realize to be great advice until you had to learn from your mistake as opposed to the experience connoted by the advice? Or, uh, whatever, you can forget the second part. Just tell me about the best advice you’ve ever received. It is, after all, nearly college graduation season.

Talk dirty to me in ~500 words and make sure to do it by next Thursday (April 23rd) at 12 p.m. EST. I know I can’t speak for all of us (…or can I?) but I can’t w888888 to learn from your mistakioz!

See last week’s chosen prompt submission here. Image shot by Tommy Ton for Style.com

The Picture Perfect World of Instagram’s Fitness Cults

Whenever I don’t feel like dragging my ass to the gym, I scroll through the transformative Instagram feed of fitness guru kayla_itsines. I do this in hopes that I will grow a six-pack by process of pixelated osmosis. I am not alone. Kayla has an impressive net worth of 2.6 million Instagram followers including a dedicated army that trains and eats by her guidelines, and people like me who watch others train and eat by her guidelines.

We workout-voyeurs can’t get enough. Show us a solid #TransformationTuesday and our hearts do a set of burpees. But fitness accounts like Itsines’s,

@hannahbronfman’s, @runningonveggies and @myhealthydish_ are inspiring people to take real action, too; a beautifully-filtered acai bowl can inspire a healthy lunch versus skipping a meal. A positive affirmation once actually made me go to the gym when I’d planned to skip. Maybe that’s why the #fitfamily community keeps growing.

In order to keep up, I sprinted down a crowded NYC block to ask HBfit’s Hannah Bronfman why she believes the Instagram fitness population has grown so much. Hannah attributes its success to an open line of communication. “Instagram kind of strikes the perfect balance between too intimate and strange,” she says.

Running on Veggie’s Lottie Bildirici believes the draw of Instagram is that “regular” people can be recognized for their work. “One doesn’t need an RD or a PhD to start an Instagram account, and I think that that’s appealing to people. People look to Instagram for inspiration.”

Worth considering is the seductive nature of the journey. Before-and-after photos are the corporeal manifestations of people reaching their goals. It’s proof that, if she can do it, I can do it too.

However, the Instagram community is not without its pitfalls. The lack of registered dietitians and PhDs can beget a deluge of information and opinions, not all necessarily right for you. “People promote things that aren’t actually good for you,” Hannah cautions. “They have huge followings. One girl [who] is known for being a Fruitarian (a diet that consists of primarily fruits) promotes this lifestyle and swears it works for everyone. There are so many people who can’t support that lifestyle. It’s not healthy. It might work for you, but don’t preach it as if it’s going to work for everyone else.”

People can also become really combative when it comes to labels. Because of this, Hannah is weary of limiting herself to a “vegan,” “paleo,” or “raw on the weekends” box, choosing the “guinea pig” mentality instead.

“The thing about Instagram is that followers can get really emotionally attached to people without realizing they’re not friends. We all feel like we know people because we’re so integrated into their lives, but we don’t.”

And yet, it seems to be this very intimacy and candor that’s helped propel many accounts towards cult status. Kayla Itsines is not just your bootcamp instructor, she is your friend. She is your daily alarm clock who also tells you you’re beautiful. She has divulged her personal reasons for not drinking alcohol and shared photos of her private life. Itsines — like so many cult-status fitness accounts — has built a successful fitness empire on trust.

One could pose the argument that these sneaker savvy influencers aren’t really your friends. Adding #fitfam to a photo does not, in fact, make you related to everyone taps “like” in support. But since when has reality on Instagram ever mattered? If a photo of some stranger’s transformation encourages you to take a 20-minute jog, then the fitness cults have done their job.

Image by Julius Bramanto for Elle Magazine’s June 2011 Issue

What Kind of Shopper Are You?

Sale-er’s Delight

You’re walking down the street, minding your own damn business. Maybe you’re checking out your butt in the bank window reflection. Maybe someone catches you doing that. Luckily, a sign catches you, too. The sign says “sale.” And even though you swear you aren’t spending money this week, passing up discounted jeans feels like a financial waste. Against your own will and better judgement, you enter the store.

It turns into a free-for-all — literally. In your mind, 40% off a $900 pair of shoes is free. So what if you previously declared them “ugly as shit and not my style” and “ew no I’d never wear those.” They’re on sale now, and they’re kinda your size.

What this says about you: You have a lot of crap you don’t need, but your coupon game is tight. You excel at last-minute gifting because your closet is a storage unit of still-tagged items, and you’re diplomatic in your retail strategy — all inventory is fare game. Buy three toothbrushes, get a vacuum half off! Hell yes. Down Coats Must Go! (Because it’s July!) You’ll take ‘em.

Bragging rights: let your friends call you a hoarder all they want. You’re the one whose 2-year-old gamble on a pair of high waisted cropped flares finally paid off. Pink tag at night, sale-er’s delight.

Gullible’s Travels

Heaven help the gullible shopper. You enter stores with pure intentions and focused goals; you’re here to buy a pair of work-appropriate pants and a smart blazer. You’ve got an interview coming up but your last job was at a Cheerio farm, so you really do, for the sake of your future, need a few things.

But here comes the salesperson, and she’s bored. No one’s come in all day! She’s also harboring dreams of becoming the lead costume designer on Broadway but wants to get her styling chops in first. So suddenly you’re her project. Suddenly, she’s coming at you with pants the size of Saturn and an orange blouse so loud, someone across the street reported a noise disturbance to the police. You trust her, though. You believe her trend predictions and eat up her compliments — “That fur pimp hat looks marvelous on you!” — then you leave the store poor with an outfit that in no way will get you the job you now really need to pay for this stuff.

What this says about you: you may have gone in the wrong store.

Bragging rights: you’re friends with all the salespeople, so they let you use the secret employee bathroom and don’t mind if you bring more than 6 items in the dressing room. You also have an outfit for every imaginable occasion. Except interview clothes. Still need that.

Eye of the Tiger

You saw a pair of shoes on Instagram and knew from the moment you tapped for credits that they were yours. You’ve mentally built at least three outfits around them — that’s what you always do to make sure the buy deserves a place in your closet — and deduced that you also need striped tunic shirt to complete the dream team trifecta.

You know what store you’re going to for the shoes and you’ve already bookmarked the website that carries your shirt. Like Khaleesi, you will not be swayed. There will be no browsing. There will be no superfluous shopping cart editions. No talking — you’re not here to make friends. No, you don’t want to see similar styles. Eyes on the prize, baby.

What this says about you: you have a closet that reflects your current style and mood. You do, of course, experience flashes of regret when a party invitation calls for an all-pink dress code two weeks after you avoided Zara’s spring blush section. But you also don’t have to store your sweaters in the oven.

Bragging rights: Your edit’s so tight that when people say, “That’s so you,” you agree. Nothing is more satisfying…except for those tapped-for-credits shoes.

Amazon.com Dad

You can’t just buy the sneakers. You have to research the sneakers first. The best sneakers. The ones with the newest technology and strongest arch support and highest reviews. You’re like a dad buying a new digital camera. You labor over your purchases for weeks if not longer, and have packed-to-the-brim shopping carts lingering throughout the Internet. Your friends are sick of you texting them colorway options: “Should I get the blue and red with the white, or the white and red with the blue?” No one cares. They just want you to buy the trainers so you can move on already.

What this says about you: You’re careful! And thoughtful. You probably spell-check text messages and double-check attachments in emails, too. You’ve never accidentally sent a screen shot of someone to that person.

Bragging rights: You can sleep easy knowing you get the best bang for your buck, and you’re the only one in your friend group whose selfie-stick hasn’t broken yet.

The Taylor Swift of Shopping

Emotions, rather than planets, dictate your purchases. Flying high off a raise or a sugar rush? Then that hat, that bag, those jeans and this sweater are not only calling your name, they are singing it from the rooftop because you know whose hills are alive? Yours. The motto, Drake/Lil Wayne, is not only YOLO, but TREATYO (self).

Dumped by a dilweed? Why, these dangly earrings are the hugs your body has been crying for all day. So what if you don’t “need” another pair. You didn’t NEED to be dumped, either.

What this says about you: You’re in touch with your inner you and can add the fun word “impulsive!” to your various online profiles with honesty.

Bragging rights: Your closet, while perhaps a little bit scary, is packed with magpie treasures covered in tassels, sparkles, sequins and thick red embroidery. No one buys vanilla yogurt to celebrate or cry.

Which one are you, and who did I forget?

Illustrations by Autumn Kimball 

The Queen of Pop Will Kiss You Now

I was not yet a teenager when Adrien Brody won an Oscar, bounded up on stage to collect it, and was so excited to take that little golden statue home that he just had to smooch presenter Halle Berry to express it.

It was 2003, and I was too young to read think pieces in the New Republic or editorials in the New York Times. I did not yet have a Twitter account, and it would be years before I could debate the muddiness of verbal consent in a coherent conversation. But I was old enough to know desperation when I saw it. I had been around the block and the playground and the elementary school cafeteria. I had seen social suicide up close and personal. Unlike Halle Berry and my mom, it was not pretty. That night, I watched the kiss on live television and cringed.

Since then, you and I have witnessed public embarrassment of every stripe. As citizens of the Kardashian nation, we have survived nipplegates and televised weddings and too many seasons of The Bachelor. Today, cries for attention are even louder than they were a decade ago. I double dare you to watch the E! network tonight. You will go deaf.

This week, the noise is thunderous. Proving her lifelong commitment to provocation, Madonna grabbed and kissed Drake on stage during his performance at Coachella on Sunday. As countless GIFs can attest, the rapper was at least somewhat alarmed, and the stunt made international headlines.

CNN reported, “Madonna smooches a flailing Drake at Coachella.” The Telegraph got more creative, dubbing the controversy “50 Shades of Granny.” Rita Ora defended the Queen of Pop and thanked her “for fighting all these ageist battles.” Later, Drake took to Instagram to explain the encounter: “Don’t misinterpret my shock!! I got to make out with the queen Madonna and I feel [100%] about that forever. Thank you Madonna.” Nice save, Drizzy.

Earlier this year, Madonna more or less anticipated the controversy in Rolling Stone:

[W]omen, generally, when they reach a certain age, have accepted that they’re not allowed to behave a certain way. But I don’t follow the rules. I never did, and I’m not going to start…. [I]f I have to be the person who opens the door for women to believe and understand and embrace the idea that they can be sexual and look good and be as relevant in their fifties or their sixties or whatever as they were in their twenties, then so be it.

She has a point. It’s true. Despite a shift in the fashion community, mainstream media is ageist. But does that societal bias explain why we winced this weekend? Did we recoil because Madonna is too old to be sexy? Or, did we shake our heads because she is too old to make the same mistake that Adrien Brody did? Isn’t desperation unattractive at every age? Is it desperation? It’s definitely a loud reminder that it’s never okay to land a surprise make-out on someone who is, regardless of the venue (on stage at Coachella, for example), at work. Let’s talk about it.

Guy Advice

Dear  Isaac,

I bequeath to you my greatest relationship quandary to date (lucky guy). I met a guy through Glimpse (Insta dating). He contacted me and we hit it off. We went on a great first date, he asked me to a second. We saw a thoroughly depressing movie and chased it with a bit of bar time — too much bar time. We fooled around, I stayed over. I left feeling like an idiot. Isn’t it cardinal rule # 1 that you wait until date # 3 to take off some clothes? Seemingly for good reason, as all hilarious texting on his end became one-word answers.

I finally told him that I thought I blew it and asked if he’d be up to hang out again. He agreed, and the date was awesome. We kicked back with some beer and our favorite video games and held a good conversation and flirtatious tone. He offered to let me stay over instead of catching a very late train home. I was happy to end it all on a good note/demonstrate that I was not a crazy person.

As good as it was, he’s been pretty silent. I never offered a “Hey, that was fun! Let’s do it again” generic response. (Should I have?!) Where do I go from here? Is the ball now in his court? Or is it sadly deflated and being scooped into the recycling bin?

Yours,

Love and Basketball

Hey L & B-ball,

It honestly doesn’t matter if you’d waited until the third date, the 100th date or forever to have sex with this guy. The results would have been the same. Sex is clearly an important aspect of a relationship, but it doesn’t change anything in a scenario like this.

Here’s the deal: A guy has made the decision that he will have sex with you — if it’s offered — the moment he asks you out. It is that black and white. He hasn’t necessarily made the decision that he’s interested in pursuing a relationship with you, or that he might want to see you again afterwards, but he has decided that if you are keen on sex, then he is too. If all goes well and he feels a connection, then of course he’ll want to keep things going, but he has to feel a connection.

You guys hung out once, it was fun. You hung out a second time, drank too much, then fooled around. He didn’t contact you much afterwards, which suggests to me that he wasn’t particularly interested in continuing to get to know you. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh; I’m sure you’re an amazing person, but he might not have felt the same connection that you felt. It happens.

What you did next was probably not your strongest move: You got back into contact with the guy who hadn’t been forthcoming with attention, told him you thought you’d blown it, and asked for another chance, effectively giving him all the power and then some. He said, “Sure,” you guys hung out again, and of course he offered to let you stay over — not because he’s a gentleman, but because he thought there might be another opportunity to have sex.

If he’d wanted to keep things going, he would have. He didn’t. The ball is no longer in the court, the ball is gone. To be honest, the ball is most likely back on the dating app attempting to hook up with other women.

Don’t ask him out again — trust me when I tell you that you’re way too cool to have to pursue somebody who won’t make a little effort in return. And don’t feel like an idiot for hooking up with him. But if you’re going to feel that way if a similar scenario arises in the future, maybe wait till you’re sure that both of you are looking for the same thing before you jump into the sex.

Hey Isaac,

My boyfriend and I have an incredible relationship, to the point where I have to pinch myself. Still together after 4 years, still best friends, fight so rarely that I don’t think it’s even happened in a year, and still very much in love. Now the kicker. Said boyfriend and I had both began the relationship knowing marriage wasn’t an interest of ours, but we had spoken very rarely in a “maybe us someday” way in regards to children, never delving too deep into it out of…whatever reason. fear? staying present? who knows. He recently moved 2 hours away and it’s forced the hard talks we’ve put off and he’s decided apologetically that he definitely doesn’t want to have children, but still wants a life together. This is a huge deal breaker as i’ve always seen myself as a mother.

Is this a normal defense mechanism of men? I’m wondering if this is ever a conversation between men…I don’t want to convince someone to be a father and he said he may “down the line” be open to it, but is that just a line to make me feel better?

Sincerely,

Bringing Up Baby

Hey …Baby.

That is quite the conundrum. Sounds like everything is perfect between you two except for that one little thing; the problem being that this one little thing is kind of the be-all end-all of your relationship.

Nobody likes talking about the serious stuff early on. Kids and marriage and lifelong commitment and prenups are hardly sexy or conducive to a romantic dinner conversation. But you guys have been together four years, you’re best friends, you’re in love and you don’t fight. Surely you must have had endless opportunities over the last, say, two or three years to bring up future plans?

But since you didn’t, now you’re faced with a crazy dilemma, and you have two unpleasant options: 1. Give him an ultimatum that he changes his mind or you end the relationship; or 2. Stay with him knowing that you’re never going to have kids together. There are only three possible outcomes in that scenario, and two of them sound pretty heartbreaking to me (breaking up or staying together without kids).

Sure, he might change his mind at some point down the track, but what if he doesn’t? What if you’re always hoping and he’s always pushing things further and further back? Sounds like a oneway ticket to Resentmentville, population: one.

For the record I don’t think this is a normal defense mechanism for men, as far as I can tell, the average guy wants to have kids. I think this is a very specific situation, and it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. I think it’s time to have some frank conversations about the future of your relationship.

Have a question for Isaac? Post your questions below or email write@manrepeller.com with ASK ISAAC in the subject line. Follow him on Instagram here, Twitter here, and check out his website here.

Game of Thrones: Fashion by Numbers

A young Cersei Lannister walks through a bleak forest, dead leaves crunching beneath her feet. Has Cersei always been the unabashed quasi-leader she is today? Have her sideburns always had such a wispy and ethereal quality? And the wizard sleeve kimono, has it always been her armor of choice? Game of Throne’s first ever flashback scene answers “yes” to all of the above. Cersei Lannister, indeed, woke up like this.

The fashion in Game of Thrones has always been a somewhat paradoxical draw for the show. For a series with so much greed, torture and gore, fashion is the unfailing bright spot on the plot’s ominous horizon. The sartorial choices of our favorite characters are as important as the sigils on their house banners.

Fur ponchos and heavy animal skins? We’re in Manhattan during April Castle Black. Pastel colored Grecian-style gowns are a trademark of the Free Cities’ Khaleesi. Animal bone jewelry suggests you’ve gone too far beyond the wall and into Wildling territory. And where would my own extensions be without the mermaid hair seen throughout all of King’s Landing? On somebody else’s head, probably.

But this wouldn’t be a proper Game of Thrones post without a fight in which multiple main characters die over a crown. SO, who won the bloody red carpet Sunday night? The results, by the numbers:

Cersei Lannister

2: Number of times Cersei proved that she can rock sideburns better than a Balenciaga model.

2: Number of times Cersei’s shoulders turned so cold that Jaime’s manhood shriveled up and folded into itself.

5: Number of braids needed to create the elaborate up do-cum-bundt cake atop Cercei’s head.

1: Number of times Man Repeller was referenced. See: #Funeralcore 

1: Number of statement necklaces made from enough gold to end world hunger.

Total: 11 points for Slytherin!

Daenerys Targaryen (AKA: Khaleesi)

1: Number of times sideburns were on #fleek.

3: Number of Angelina Jolie slits promised to make a comeback before they even left.

1: Number of times Khaleesi’s Cara Delevingne brow put Cara Delevingne to shame.

1: Number of males found in her bed, proving to be the best nude accessory Nasty Gal can’t sell you.

Total: 6 points for Gryffindor!

Varys: 

1: Number of times Varys schemed a poor peasant out of his blouse.

5: Number of times I googled “Varys GOT kimono for sale.”

1: Number of times Varys rocked a kimono with sleeves looser than grandma’s inhibitions after a few shots of Hennessy.

Total: 7 points for Hufflepuff!

Margaery Tyrell: 

1: Number of times Margaery took a page from the Dries Van Noten playbook and made a jacquard vest formal.

1: Number of times Margaery convinced the gods to put down their swords down and sew gowns instead.

Total: 2 points for Ravenclaw!

The winner? Cersei Lannister, because someone’s gonna take that chick down, but it ain’t gonna be me! (Feel free to take your own shot below, though.)

How to Fix Your Split Ends With Avocado Toast

It’s a sad day when you realize that your metabolism is no longer what it was back in high school. My hair just wrote that sentence, because as recently as last week we both learned that I had officially damaged what I’d long thought was un-damageable.

The news was delivered at 8 a.m. on a Wednesday. GlamSquad angel TéQuan Johnson was giving me the old Connie Britton Blowout when he paused for long enough that I was brought back to elementary school where my stomach would drop at any sign of hair-check hesitation: a pause meant lice. This morning, however, it meant severe split ends.

He wanted to know what I “did” to my hair. His tone hinted that maybe I sometimes stick it in fire for fun. My response was that of an exasperated teen and then, finally, I confessed to feeding it junk food. He pointed to a calendar, noted April’s close proximity to June and suggested that my hair as it currently stood (on ends) was far from its summer body.

But my hair’s a crash dieter. It likes instant results. According to TéQuan, it needed instant results, so he provided me with the recipe for a super cheap DIY hair mask that works right away.

You will need:



– Half an avocado (or a whole one for super long/big hair)

– 1/4 a cup of olive oil

– 2 big scoops of mayonnaise

– A teaspoon of lemon juice if you’re blonde or ombre’d or want to bring out natural highlights

– An old t-shirt that you DGAF about

– A scrunchie that you can wash or toss

– A plastic bag

*Pro tip: if you don’t want to buy olive oil or mayo, go to a deli counter and ask for olive oil and a bunch of mayo packets on the side.

Here’s what you do:

1) Put on your DGAF shirt.

2) Mix the ingredients in a bowl.

3) Take a deep breath, then dunk your hand into the unholy guacamole you’ve just made and apply it to dry hair starting just below your ears, all the way down to the tips. (If your scalp is flaky, apply all over, but be prepared to wear a hat the next day if your grease hits like lightning.)

4) Tie your hair into a bun, cover bun with any excess goop, then put a plastic bag over your head like a very sad bonnet. Please do not put the plastic bag over your face. Leave this on for 30 minutes. Meditate.

5) Rinse your hair out then shampoo twice in a row. (Lather, rinse, repeat — for real. You’ll smell like a BLT otherwise.) Apply conditioner as you normally would and apologize to your roommate for what just happened in the apartment.

Repeat this once every two weeks for bounce, shine, and smooth, happy ends.

I will not lie: this process was disgusting. I gagged frequently from the mayo but it was 200% worth it: after just one treatment, my hair has abs again, the supplies were cheap, and I have enough leftovers to make one very Instagram-worthy piece of avocado toast.

Images via Malibu Kitchen, Harper’s Bazaar, and shot by Krista Anna Lewis

Follow TéQuan Johnson on Instagram here, or visit his website here. 

Are Stripes a Neutral?

For as long as you are interested in fashion and the magazines or various other media entities that orbit around it, someone will always try to convince you that something — polka dots or suede or fringe or plaid, I don’t know, little printed whales — is the new neutral. Let it be known from now on that the misinformed evangelists of fashion trend folklore are just that — misinformed. There are, have been and as far as my eye is inclined to travel, always will be only three neutrals.

The first is a solid leopard print — one that both whispers and cries and when set on a good-quality fabric, does its crying and whispering with the kind of poise one is to expect of a First Lady.

The second is denim. Obviously. This will never go out of style for as long as we are Americans who enjoy vegan hot dogs and artisanal mustard.

And finally, the third, which delimits a fairly wide scope, is stripes. These could be horizontal or vertical or fragmented or whatever. They might be French in one instance but conclusively Ukrainian in another. If they were Norwegian last year, they’re Old English this year but the purpose of this post is not at all interested in the provenance of the multifarious forms of stripe — we’re here to manufacture the melting pot that embroils them.

Currently, I’m dressing from the job I want — which is to say, paid unemployment that allows me to stay in bed through the peak hours of a weekday afternoon, guilt-free like a Health Warrior chia bar.

I’m wearing a pair of light blue silk striped “pool pants,” as Amelia likes to call them (I’d recommend de facto pajama pants if you’re looking for a deal), which I really do believe to be a neutral given their color (similar to that of denim) and silhouette. (Legs? What legs?) Up top: a multicolored striped shirt that could have been a decadent bed sheet in a past life that definitely inspired a scene and subsequent hook in the movie Uptown Girls. It’s tied at the stomach so that you can see the skater-style mini dress worn under it and the blazer is kind of just like an umbrella on a rainy morning, you know? It keeps shit in check, dry and more or less happy.

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End scene.

I’m just kidding. What are your neutrals? Act them out in short videos (or haikus) in the comments below. PLEEEEEEEASE?