Leandra Medine's Blog, page 39

Daniel the Carpenter’s Infamous Money Diary, Part 2

In April 2018, my good friend Daniel Nelson wrote Man Repeller’s most popular and divisive money diary. A third of commenters rolled their eyes at him, another third wanted to sleep with him, and the rest wanted him to write a book. For Chaos Month, I texted Danny to see if he’d be up for a round two—a kind of financial check-in, as we’ve done before. “I’ll do it but I think it may be a bit darker,” he replied. “So let chaos reign.” See what he filed to me below, which I can promise you was originally formatted like a delirious long-form poem. -Haley Nahman

I am 32. I currently work as a fabricator in a design/build studio in South Brooklyn. Right now I’m a cabinetmaker. Tomorrow I might be pouring concrete. The job is very fluid and oscillates between very intense activity and days and days of sweeping up the shop. I also do jobs on the side, so…hire me.

I’m not sure I can say much has changed since my original money diary, though I am two years older. And now, at this moment, I am in a state similar to being underwater. This is one of the intense periods. I know I’m being melodramatic, but I am so tired my body feels buoyant. The last three weeks have been made up of seven-day work weeks and anywhere from 14-16 hour days. Lol, this sounds like a prison letter, but I have done it to myself.

In the last installment I mentioned I only say “yes” to projects, and now that’s on display: Too many yes’s. Too many commitments. Too many steps in a day. I recently told my girlfriend Kiki that I feel I’m beginning to settle into it, which is good, because there are two more weeks like this to go. She thinks that may be a sign of impending mania, but I think it’s more like a new kind of rhythm. I am living in an altered state and my spirit isn’t bucking so much as trying to hold onto normalcy.

Money means only as much as it is exactly worth right now. I have very little ability to focus on the future or the past. I use money like I use my own will. Kiki is being tolerant of me. Money will come and go.

Day 1, Saturday

At the fancy cafe across the divide between Crown and Prospect Heights, I order a large coffee and simple egg sandwich ($15.75), then light it up with all the extras in order to fortify against the three glasses of vodka I had last night. I stayed up watching YouTube videos with Kiki on how to make your cat sit down. But the cat walked off and I had another drink. Later I asked Kiki to quiz me on the state capitals, though she seemed very uninvested to the point of saying, “I don’t want to.” Which is funny because I’d made the suggestion as a bridge to her after an argument we’d gotten into earlier. (She’s really good with trivia.) I get all the capitals correct, but the divide between us is no smaller.

Home Depot this morning is a kind of respite. Just looking at wood, picking up wood, putting wood on a cart. I talk with my friend Mary on the phone and that’s useful because it lets me act hungover as opposed to depressed, which after a while becomes convincing enough that the back-up protocols start hitting—the me-against-the-world effect—which is mildly invigorating. She’s talking about the budget for one of the theater projects we are working on together. Mary loves to talk about the budget. Bringing it up like the weather: “Before I leave the house, I’ve got to check the budget!” Admittedly it’s effective. After our conversation I under-estimate my wood count to the cashier in order to pinch maybe $18 bucks ($259.19). Out of character. Direct result of budget rhetoric. On my way to the studio, I imagine being chased down by the cops for my illicit lumber grab and getting booked then and there on the side of the road. I think about it over and over. I realize I am probably fantasizing.

(Note: Money I spend on supplies will be reimbursed, so it isn’t strictly my expense. But for now it is. Generally it depends on when I get around to invoicing, which can be protracted.)

Two slices of pizza and a beer for lunch ($18) to fight the headache blooming above my eyes. The new guy at the pizza place sees me slap my forehead when I make a mistake playing chess on my phone and asks if I’m okay. I nod. “Oh my goodness,” he squeals, “I thought you had accidentally put a million dollars in my bank account!” I laugh. Is that a common joke?

After work I’m going to the play Mary hired me to build a set for. I call her and Max to meet up for dinner beforehand, but they are already sitting down to eat, so I walk to the Japanese mall to order a bowl of Tonkotsu ($15.35). In the end I also get two panda sake cans ($14.50). In my mind this leads to joviality, but I can’t stop judging the people around me. There’s nothing worse than being tipsy and judgmental. No insight. No epiphanies. Just small cruel circles of thought that buzz your hot ears like a fly that might bite.

Now I want a smoke. Looking for cheap cigarettes makes me miss my train. I’m late to the show. I enter the darkened room and sit behind Mary in the front row. I keep thinking the set is going to fall down every time someone slams the door. On my way home I try to replace Kiki’s vodka I drank but everything is closed so I get beer instead ($15). We kiss when I walk through the door. She is in her sweater. The cat is running laps around the apartment. Things seem softer with us, which feels good. We watch most of Ex Machina, which hasn’t held up. At some point our internet fails and though I make a hotspot with my phone I refuse to tell Kiki the password as a gag. She doesn’t like it. Thank god the internet returns.

The password was WN64ab93Zn.

Day 2, Sunday

I ask for avocado on the bagel ($12.50) to reward myself for working on a Sunday. Kiki was sleeping sweetly when I left and I lifted the blanket and kissed her on her foot. She’s the only person I’ve met whose feet I don’t think are weird. They are weird, but nice too. She smiled in her sleep and I pet the cat before I walked out.

Mary responds to the texts I sent her earlier by calling me. She is clearly still in bed but quickly grows annoyed as we speak. When we fight, I can’t help but flash back to when we dated years ago—some heavy triggers, so I try to put them to bed. I suggest she head to the studio so we can go to Home Depot together and she agrees. Then my train comes, thank god. Our goodbye is frosty.

On the train a teenager is yelling at an old woman maybe 20 feet away from us. I sit across from him and wonder if I should intervene, but don’t.

No lunch today. When we get supplies at Home Depot, Mary pays.

Later I meet Kiki and Matthew and a few others at Michael and Charles’ birthday party in the city, but I am too tired to enjoy myself. The tab is on the birthday boy’s card and even though his boyfriend makes a speech to the point of “pay up,” I choose to wait to pay for my two beers and BLT until later because I have no money. Scumbag.

Day 3, Monday

I wake up so tired I think I could actually die and that would be for the best. Kiki slept on the couch by accident and I turn the TV off on my way out. Matthew picks me up and we get coffee and bagels ($8.50). I try half-seriously to shield my order from Matthew but he finds out I asked for onions on my bagel. I first started doing it to hit a credit card minimum, but now their rule has changed and I still do it. He claims this is indicative of some internal social problem, but everything is indicative of some internal social problem.

There isn’t any traffic at all which is a kind of uncanny glory. Then I remember it’s a holiday. No one else is at the studio. I like working alone with Matthew and being a skeleton crew, it makes us closer and more dominant in the arbitrary territory wars of the shop. Grover is not here, which is a relief. He is a watcher, a breathe-down-your-neck kind of guy. He is one of the first people I met in NYC and has since become a bit of a bête noire. I wonder if I will ever be rid of him. And also if I will miss him?

Lunch is Thai food again: chicken and beef curry on brown rice ($15.25). Everything in the food hall is “again” for me. Work. Eat. Repeat. Is this the way I grow old, in these hot commons, overpaying for counterfeit street food?

I buy a coffee ($2.50). I see Hank, an old acquaintance, and when I leave I try to shake his hand, but he goes in for a hug, so I both hug him and shake his girlfriend’s hand simultaneously. I’m not responsible enough for arm-based greetings. “That was bad,” I say to Matthew after. “It wasn’t terrible,” he says. But I feel him considering me, and wonder if this was what he meant regarding my bagel.

Later we pull two free bed frames ($0) out of the West Elm dumpster and put them in the studio to take home later. Raymond arrives and is furious that someone has apparently gone through his little nest of things. He tells us to come look but it looks the same as usual. Raymond always hoards tools that he doesn’t need, so periodically his area gets raided. “Maybe Pete did it,” I say. Raymond kicks one of the bed frames. I write my name on the other one and scoot it.

I work late and smell bad on the train home, like a mix of ripe fruit and a diaper. It’s just sawdust and sweat, but there’s something else. Some special sauce. I give the guy who can’t play the saxophone a gold dollar coin ($1) and wonder if he knows or thinks it’s only a normal coin.

I debate what to eat for dinner for a long time, standing on the corner listening to a woman beg her dog to pee. “Peepee! Go peepee!” I definitely don’t want sushi, but they’re open late and I know I can just get one small thing for cheap. What I really want is to get drunk immediately—I am feeling myself entering a mode of exhaustion with work where all I want to do is have two strong drinks afterward and go to bed. I decide I’m going to buy a sake can and the idea brightens me. But when I get there the place is closed. A guy who works there says he can sell me a “drop bag” for cash. I decide to buy it ($10). “And a yellow sake can too,” I say, but it isn’t in the cards.

I walk home forlorn, wondering what the fuck a drop bag is. Inside there is a roll, a miso, and something they call a sushi cup, which is literally just a coffee cup filled with rice and fish. Honestly not a bad deal.

On a whim I decide to move my car to an easier position for loading tools tomorrow morning.

Turns out I was about to be towed. Pricelesssss.

Day 4, Tuesday

I start the day with a bagel and coffee ($8.50). You know the drill at this point. Today I’m $42 dollars overdrawn on my account because last week I pulled into a parking spot in front of my house and crushed an old Jeep Cherokee bumper for no fucking reason other than I was too tired and lost my spatial intuition. I left a note, then prayed the rain would erase it. Then it did rain, so I replaced the note. Yesterday the girl contacted me and I paid her $1,054.75 for the repairs. She was extremely understanding. Now I realize that anyone could have taken that note, texted me, Venmoed-requested me, and I would have paid them. But I think it was her. And here I thought you accidentally put a million dollars in my bank account, lol.

At Home Depot I use a fake tax exemption I discovered a few days earlier, which saves me $50 on lumber and supplies for another set Mary has hired me to build ($495). Bow before the budget. I’m so tired. People seem rude and friendly interchangeably, seemingly at random. The venue where we are building the set is down the street from a lot that once was a strange Latin disco. Now it just looks like a parking lot.

The Thai food I order for lunch ($16) is bad and there are two music tracks playing simultaneously, at the same volume. The table is sticky. The floor is sticky. The food is food. I wonder if something is wrong with me. I try to imagine opening a Thai restaurant without the slightest idea of how to cook Thai food. Is this my problem? I could just start a Thai restaurant.

Mary tries to buy us coffees, but the woman makes her Americanos so she walks out and gets us Dunkin coffees instead ($0).

I run to a nearby hardware store to buy screws. The guy working is flirting with a girl who is trying to fix her strobe light. I buy three boxes, then end up having to go to Home Depot anyway to get more plywood ($95). So much for a quick trip.

Later, Mary, Matthew, and I go to a bar/restaurant for dinner ($49). There’s a comedy show about to start and I want to sit down far away to avoid crowd work. A guy by the window offers to scoot over and I am unusually grateful. The show starts. The host reminds me of Kiki’s cousin. “Hell yeah,” he says. It’s his tag line.

Day 5, Wednesday

I’m dangerously tired today. I buy a coffee, a bagel with cream cheese, and a banana for me and Matthew ($14.50). Later I buy another iced coffee ($3.50). For lunch I get mystery fried chicken from the vegan sandwich spot in the food hall at work ($16). Matthew is surprised by how good the vegan sandwiches are. We are bound to return.

Today I’m charged $14.95 for my Audible subscription. My headphones broke weeks ago, so now I just pay to know I could, at some point, tune back into a book on tape. Nothing is real at all. Conversations last only as long as someone is speaking and break into pieces before reaching the other side.

 

Day 6, Thursday

Matt picks me up this morning. I talk with Kiki on the phone later and she says she heard me yell, “I love getting picked up!” Though I don’t remember. We get bagels that are not toasted enough. Matthew pays. Then we listen to “Hot 97 Ebro in the Morning.” Matthew seems surprised I’m acquainted.

The set I built for the play is breaking. My boss’ son gives me attitude and I basically tell him to suck it and walk out of the office. I’m hanging on by a thread.

Matthew seems serene, but it likely was an illusion born of my own storm front. Mary is texting me that the set is breaking. I’m so tired, I forgot Kiki was leaving for New Orleans on Sunday and when she reminds me I shake my head sadly. I’ll miss her.

Vegan tacos for lunch ($14.50). Matthew fucking loves vegan sandos. Funny, I haven’t eaten here since the last time I did the money diary. I wonder aloud if I’ll be paid for the stage set I built for the play. In a way I hope I won’t be. Just to have a reason.

Fried fish burrito at a kimchi Mexican food mix-up for dinner ($13). Matthew and I wander through a conversation about some old socialite’s death. I think if it might be a murder. We drink some White Claws I found in the back of his minivan on the ride home and I’m in a good mood for the first time all day. Things seemed to be turning up.

When he drops me off at my car there is no ticket despite having left it halfway in a crosswalk. Unexpected bonus. I buy more lumber at Home Depot ($23.92). The hot girls work at the Nostrand Home Depot but comparatively it’s a worse Home Depot. Everything is kinda broken and the wood is wobbly.

When I arrive at the build-out venue, the lighting guy wants to have a man-to-man talk about using my drill. Annoying.

The more tired I become, the more likely the stage will collapse. I start searching the grounds to find even more support wood. Though I have already double-reinforced every weak point, I begin tacking things on. In the end I wind up in the attic with my phone light. It is full of empty chair frames and strange Thai restaurant wood carvings. The whole downstairs seems drenched in a wheat paste of grime but this place seems cutoff from that. Everything is muffled. I am skittish about digging in the racks for the two-by-fours I saw strewn amongst the oddly spiritual wreckage. I begin saying my old prayers from childhood when I had to go to the basement at night. My protections.

Being tired is revving my paranoia.

Downstairs there are more people than before. Men I have seen but not met. I’m not high but feel my trip start to spiral. I feet like I can’t see. I feel like I can’t hear my own voice. I announce to no one that I have to reinforce the bottom of the stage, then just lay on the gross linoleum floor underneath, looking at the the plywood above me, willing myself to move again.

Day 7, Friday

Late. I skip breakfast. Lunch is burger, fries, and a beer ($24). Matthew and I have a nice lunch.

I admit to him that I didn’t eat my first burger until I was 19. And no bacon until I was 20. We discuss the difference between Peanut M&Ms and Reese’s. It seems good but I can feel an edge. I think he might regret having signed up to work with me. I’ve been snappy and erratic.

Emergen-C, water, DayQuil VapoCOOL, Hot Pink 7’s scratcher ($10.55). Has anyone tried DayQuil VapoCOOL? It’s completely wild. I have started buying scratchers and not scratching them. What does that mean?

 

 

Day 8, Saturday

Fuck. No work. Thank god. But it doesn’t matter. I am in the mode of work. I am in the mode of no stopping. Today is just a spacer between real days. Nothing means anything.

I am anxious about the stage. In my mind the big producer is jumping on it and it breaks. In my mind I am repairing it. In my mind I am working.

Last night I fell asleep at 8 p.m. Woke up after 16 hours of what felt like straight dreams. My estranged old friend, sex, etc.

Kiki and I go to breakfast. I playfully guilt her into paying. The food is good. Normally I don’t like this place. Then we walk in the park and look at dogs. We talk to the pigeon man. I sign up for some charity and then regret it. Kiki tries to convince me to buy a dog for my dad to some success. I get us beers across the park. ($16)

Kiki orders a chocolate stout. She says she wanted a Guinness but they didn’t have it. This isn’t the first time she’s done this. Haha. She hates her beer. We see our friend’s family dog walking with a stranger across the street. The woman next to us is drunk and keeps dropping things on the ground. Her friend is laughing. She screams, “NOW what am I dropping!?”

Kiki quizzes me on the first time I ate certain foods after I tell her about my conversation with Matthew. She grimaces while she sips her beer. I drive her home to lay down and then meet Andy and Max at a bar in Williamsburg that I haven’t been to for probably six years.

Andy buys my first drink. I buy our second round ($14). We go to dinner and get sat at the bar because a table will take an hour. The bartender is wearing a very rolled-up cap. Extra rolled up. We drink Baijiu which tastes like hay. We talk about the coronavirus. The boys are afraid, but playfully. Though maybe I just choose to interpret them that way. Andy shows us a disaster product associated with the Kardashians. Something feels more dystopian than usual.

I try to make a point about disaster reporting creating an artificial global claustrophobia in relation to developing markets. Though I feel a bit lost. The sesame noodles are incredible ($50).

When I get back home, Kiki and Matthew are watching a Kirk Douglas movie about a Hollywood producer. They are drinking White Claws spiked with vodka which I find impressively irreverent. Kiki is making the jokes I would normally be making. Being nasty. She is cutting up and I feel sad she is leaving.

I have a tequila and sit on the couch with them while they watch. Soon I begin to drift off. I can’t tell you what happens. Kirk Douglas has an insane chin dimple. Matthew goes home. I remember Kiki pulling the blanket up to me as I slept. And thinking about the feeling of a laser when it crosses your eye. I like that feeling.

Last night I lay on my roof smoking a cigarette and staring at the sky while it turned around me. The clouds were shaped like a hunter. When I was a kid I always wanted to see things in the sky. But I never could, it wasn’t enough. Now I can see it all. One thing after the next. I don’t know anything about money. I’m honestly hoping for a moon shot while paying off travel debts I incurred under the auspices of being young and able. Fuck it. I had forgotten this part of the city. The wear-you-down-into-sand part. Sacrifice on sacrifice. No sleep. Exhaustion is its own kind of euphoria and this whole city is a cult for it.

The post Daniel the Carpenter’s Infamous Money Diary, Part 2 appeared first on Man Repeller.

Everything I Witnessed During Rush Hour at One of New York’s Busiest Coffee Shops

It’s 8 a.m. on a Thursday morning in late February at the La Colombe cafe on Vandam, and a lot of people have a hankering for their morning coffee. My coworker Beth and I have parked ourselves at a table and are taking it all in, paying close attention to what some might consider an unexceptional scene: the cyclical ongoings of rush hour at one of west Soho’s best-attended coffee shops. By the end of our morning observing, I feel like I’ve been in a sensory deprivation tank, and am now seeing everything that happens in post-morning-coffee time in a new light.

During our shift at La Colombe, we met a bunch of well-caffeinated people, embodied the strangeness of Nathan For You’s Nathan Fielder when interviewing strangers, speculated if pairs of people were friends getting coffee or two parties on the opposite sides of a job interview, and counted AirPods like our lives depended on it.

Scroll on below to glimpse what we learned that morning, after your intrepid reporter (so, I) downed a draft oat latte:

 

Story and graphics by Edith Young. Photos by Beth Sacca. 

The post Everything I Witnessed During Rush Hour at One of New York’s Busiest Coffee Shops appeared first on Man Repeller.

You Look Moist: The Best Face Masks, According to Someone Who Uses Them 5 Times a Week

Welcome to You Look Moist, a column in which Man Repeller asks cool people with glowing visages how they achieved their supreme hydration (amongst other things). Today’s installment features Christina Grasso, Digital Content Manager at Flesh Beauty.

How would you describe your skin?

My skin puts up with a lot and kind of just rolls with the punches. It’s definitely a middle child. I could be more disciplined when it comes to sticking to a routine, but it’s hard because I am constantly receiving, researching, and trying new products. As the social lead for Flesh Beauty and a content creator on the side, it’s a big part of my job, and it’s also my hobby. If I weren’t a devout Catholic, skincare might be my religion.

How would you describe your skincare approach in general?

I am a helicopter mom to my skin–constantly watching and doing the absolute most. Well, that’s maybe not true; I could always do more! From time to time I’ll hear from the interwebs that my several-step approach and vast product assortment are “unnecessary.” Of course it’s unnecessary! But it makes me happy and is working for me, so I’ll keep on keeping on with my maximalist crusade.

 

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A post shared by Christina Grasso (@thepouf) on Nov 13, 2019 at 6:41pm PST

Which skincare products are integral to your routine for achieving your ideal, glowing, well-moisturized complexion, and how/when do you use each of them?

I wish I were one of those people with a tightly-edited routine (do I really? maybe not); alas, as I said, I do the most. That being said, I do attribute my complexion to genetics and possibly my diet. I eat lots of vegetables and I’ve had a dairy allergy since I was literally a baby, so I’ve missed out on the joys of ice cream and cheese (sad!) but perhaps that’s contributed to clearer skin. I don’t have any science to back that up, though, so please don’t try that at home. Go forth and enjoy your cheese boards! Otherwise, yes. I am very grateful to have a well-stocked beauty cabinet and do not, by any means, have a simple routine.

Anyways! Here’s the full enchilada:

I wake up (no small feat) and splash my face with cold water, then I tone with Clinique Clarifying Lotion, which I’ve been using religiously since 6th or 7th grade. I follow it up with a few pumps of Drunk Elephant C-Firma Day Serum, which makes me look instantly glowy. I’ve gone through several bottles of it, and I can’t say that for too many products. If I’m feeling super puffy I’ll massage my face with a cold jade roller. While my serum is soaking in, I’ll take all of my supplements (currently, I’m taking a bunch of different ones by The Nue Co.–Mood, Metabolism, Immunity, Skin Filter–and Nutrafol) with a huge glass of water with–yes–lemon.

Then I’ll apply my moisturizer: either Elizabeth Arden Prevage with SPF, or The Cream by Augustinus Bader and then I’ll add an SPF. I also like to add a bit of Glossier Futuredew and Supergoop Glow Stick onto the high points of my face during the day for a dewy glow, especially on a no-makeup day.

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I never leave the house without fragrance, and it’s rarely the same one. If I had a signature scent, it’d be Byredo 1996, which I’ve been using for years. But my favorite of all time is Portrait of a Lady by Frederic Malle–the scent is intoxicating but it’s so expensive that I ration it very conservatively. I’d bathe in it if I could.

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In the afternoon, I just try not to touch my face, and I’m big on facial mists. I do love the Caudalie one that everyone has (it’s a classic) but my favorite is the Queen of Hungary mist by Omorovicza. The name is great, and it smells like summertime.

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At night, my routine depends on what I have going on. On a quiet evening, I’ll take my time and maybe have a bath. I like to use Nécessaire Body Wash or Dr. Teal’s for maximum bubble-age, and add a bit of Molton Brown Rosa Absolute Sumptuous Bathing Oil.

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And if I’m feeling dangerous (because I’ve literally lit my entire bathroom on fire once with Diptyque Baies), I’ll light a candle. Depending on the mood, it’s either Burning Rose, Woods, or Bibliotheque by Byredo; Rich by Sunday Forever, or Feu de Bois by Diptyque. Goes without saying: I’m too traumatized to burn Baies anymore, but it had a good run.

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A post shared by Christina Grasso (@thepouf) on Oct 19, 2019 at 12:51pm PDT

Bath or shower, I’ll remove my makeup using the Elemis Rose Pro-Collagen Rose Cleansing Balm–it’s one of the only cleansers I’ve found that removes even stubborn waterproof mascara. Then I’ll cleanse using the Tula Acne Foam Cleanser. (I also love the Instant Facial Dual-Phase Skin Reviving Treatment Pads by Tula.) Up until this point, I’ve all but ignored the skin below my neck, but I’ve recently started using The Body Cream by Augustinus Bader, which is very, very rich. I also love The Body Lotion and The Body Serum by Nécessaire. 

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Once my face is squeaky clean and makeup-free, I’ll use Biologique Recherche P50 1970 to exfoliate and tone. My favorite serum right now is Dr. Barbara Sturm’s Hyaluronic Acid, which, fortunately for my skin but unfortunately for my bank account, I’m obsessed with. I also love Estée Lauder Advanced Night Repair and Caudalie Vinoperfect.

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Masking is a whole thing for me. I do so religiously (at least 4–5 times a week) depending on what I feel like my skin needs. Some of my favorites, in no particular order: Origins Original Skin Retexturizing Mask, Kiehl’s Rare Earth Pore Cleansing Mask, Glamglow Supermud, Tata Harper Resurfacing Mask, Dr. Barbara Sturm Face Mask, Dermovia Lace Your Face, Dr. Jart Hydration Lover Rubber Mask, Drunk Elephant Babyfacial, Loops Double Take (biodegradable!!), and Beboe High-Potency CBD Mask. And I have to say, I’m really into that Beboe mask. Initially I thought it sounded kind of gimmicky, but I swear to you, that thing is indeed potent and I feel amazing while–and after–doing it.

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I have a couple of favorite moisturizers. Currently I’m using Augustinus Bader The Cream–my friend Linda Wells turned me on to it and I’ll try anything she likes. I’ve always been a science nerd, so I appreciate that Bader products were born out of regenerative science. I’m a big La Prairie stan, and love their Skin Caviar, which I keep in the fridge. I started using their Platinum Rare Cellular Cream a few years ago when I heard it was a favorite of Stevie Nicks’s, who has the skin of a thriving baby vampire, and she’s in her early 70s. (I’ll let you know in 40 or so years if I, too, resemble a thriving baby vampire.) A full Platinum Rare Cream was actually a notable casualty in the fire which was, as you can imagine, devastating. Truly gone too soon.

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I never, ever go to bed without doing this entire routine or without slathering my face and décolletage in oil. Supernal is my favorite, and I love Vintner’s Daughter. If I have time, I like to use the MDNA Face Roller, which visibly lifts skin immediately, and feels like a face workout.

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What about makeup products?

I tend to be a bit more adventurous when it comes to makeup. But my signature look, if I can call it that, is a brushed-up brow, a little feline flick, fresh skin, and a coral-y lip. I always start with Fresh Flesh Illuminating Primer—I was never really into primers until this one came along. Then I’ll fill in any sparse areas of my brows using Anastasia Brow Powder Duo in Taupe and Glossier Boy Brow in Brown. I’ll curl my lashes and for mascara I use Thrive Causemetics. In terms of liquid liner, my favorite is the waterproof one from Stila. I always do my eye makeup first in case there’s any fallout–that way it doesn’t mess with my face makeup. Then I’ll apply NARS Soft Matte Concealer under my eyes and Flesh Thickstick Foundation around my nose and on my chin, and set my under-eye area with Laura Mercier Translucent Loose Setting Powder. I have the curse of being both Italian and anemic, so no matter how much concealer I use, I’ll always look a bit exhausted thanks to the half-moons under my eyes.

For blush, I’ll use Swipe Flesh Lip Color in Puffy or Chanel Joues Contraste in Malice. If I do highlighter, it’s always Touch Flesh Highlighting Balm in Startle. And lips! That’s a big category for me. Some of my all-time favorites are: Giorgio Armani Ecstasy Shine in Pop Orange, Chanel Rouge Allure in Vibrante, Fleshy Lips in Chew and Drool, Swipe Flesh Lip Color in Tremble, Flesh Hot Sauce Lip Gloss in Wind Whirled, and Proud Flesh Matte Liquid in Brazen.

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A post shared by Christina Grasso (@thepouf) on Dec 24, 2019 at 2:06pm PST

What’s the cheapest product you use regularly and love?

I love the Niacinamide serum by The Ordinary, Blistex Lip Medex, and Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay mixed with apple cider vinegar. 

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Is there anything you try to avoid, skincare- or makeup-wise?

The sun. I avoid the sun like the plague, truly. It can’t be trusted! Most people would never assume that I’m Sicilian and tan incredibly easily. I also don’t usually wear a full face of foundation or powder unless I have an event or am being photographed. I like being able to see, you know, actual skin.

Any next-level tips, tricks, or services that you swear by to help you look “lit from within”?

It’s rather basic and boring, but skincare, at least for me, starts on the inside. If I’m not eating enough, or drinking enough water, or getting enough sleep, or really frazzled, it shows. I know I have a really product-heavy routine, but if I’m not taking proper care of myself, nothing will work magic (sigh!!!!). And last year I added a little gratitude exercise to my morning routine–not for the sake of appearance, but I do think grateful people have a certain glow.

Beyond that, I try to get a facial at least once a month. If I’m in the mood to treat myself, I love going to Rescue Spa, Knockout Beauty, or Tracie Martyn for a treatment. Otherwise, Heyday is really efficient and consistently good for routine maintenance. And I see my dermatologist, Dr. Josh Zeichner, every couple of months. I try to do some sort of mask 4-5 times a week, which beyond giving my skin some extra tszuj, forces me to be still and breathe, which I often forget to do. (Oxygen is also really good for your skin, I hear.)

What’s your go-to product or trick for fixing a skin disaster?

It depends on what kind of disaster we’re talking about. If it’s a zit, I swear by Starface and a prescription topical I got from my dermatologist. If I’m super dry and peeling off like a snake, I’ll up my water intake and apply creams and oils more liberally. If there were to be an actual disaster–like if my entire face were to fall off–I’ll circle back and let you know. 

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Do you do anything differently skincare-wise when you travel?

I just amp up the moisture while traveling with masks, heavier creams, and lots of water; otherwise, consistency is key. It’s so tempting to just toss whatever travel-size products I have in my carry-on, but I know I’ll be better off sticking to what I, and my skin, know (which, frankly, is already chaotic enough). I also try to really avoid drinking alcohol, especially while flying, because it is so dehydrating.

What’s something you wish your teenage self knew about taking care of your skin?

You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but I worked as a lifeguard throughout high school and college and worshipped the sun. I didn’t wear much SPF because I just wanted to be as tan as possible. I looked like a Wendy Peffercorn/Tan Mom hybrid which is fine if that’s your look, but I do wish I would’ve taken sunscreen more seriously.

Photos provided by Christina Grasso.

The post You Look Moist: The Best Face Masks, According to Someone Who Uses Them 5 Times a Week appeared first on Man Repeller.

16 Un-Hinged Answers to Your Hinge Profile Prompts (You Can Thank Me Later)

Those pesky Hinge prompts, huh? The blank canvases below the dating app’s preset questions boggle the mind. While this dating app seems to be the crowd favorite amongst urban twentysomethings, filling out the predetermined prompts feels like walking a metaphorical tightrope. You want to make your prospective love interest curious about the psychological maze that is “you,” while also attracting someone who shares the same values or sense of humor that you do, but without belaboring the prompts and coming off as someone who took too much time fashioning the world’s best dating profile.

Ultimately, these answers supposedly serve to persuade someone into thinking—knowing—that you’re dateable. But how, exactly? Feeling generous of spirit, I buckled down and crafted a series of answers to existing Hinge prompts for you to borrow—each of them guaranteed to increase your yield in the cyber dating arena. All you have to do is plug in these answers, sit back, and watch your phone blow up with push notifications.

I know the best spot in town for:

Seeing more rats in 10 minutes than you’ve seen in your entire life.

Favorite holiday tradition:

Reading Infinite Jest cover to cover by the fire each solstice.

I’ll fall for you if:

You appreciate the small things. Namely, guppies.

We’re the same type of weird if:

You think Cellino & Barnes are hot.

My most irrational fear:

That there’s a whole person living in the crawl spaces of my home.

I’m overly competitive about:

Ice sculpture.

The one thing I’d love to know about you is:

If you treat Hinge like it’s Streeteasy or TaskRabbit.

I’m actually legitimately bad at:

Drinking water without indulging in a petrifyingly loud, gong-like swallow—should we end up together, this characteristic of mine will haunt you for the rest of our days.

A social cause I care about:

Birthday parties.

Worst fad I participated in:

Standing hip’s width distance apart.

All I ask is that you:

‘re half as good as I am at coming up with wedding hashtags.

I spend most of my money on:

Candy sushi.

I’m weirdly attracted to:

Cellino & Barnes.

We’ll get along if:

You take no issue with me DM’ing my favorite Instagram babies to you after the second date.

Dating me is like:

Staring directly into the sun.

I’m convinced that:

There’s a whole person living in the crawl spaces of my home.

Graphic by Lorenza Centi.

The post 16 Un-Hinged Answers to Your Hinge Profile Prompts (You Can Thank Me Later) appeared first on Man Repeller.

After Watching ‘Love Is Blind,’ I Have a New Theory About TV

I went skiing last weekend for the first time in five years and all I got was an anxiety attack on a bunny hill and a bad head cold. The latter, I’m happy to say, kept me shut in for the first three days of this week, during which I used my stomach as a desk (don’t pretend you don’t know) and proceeded to watch all 10 episodes of the Netflix reality TV masterwork: Love is Blind.

I’m not really a reality TV junkie. A large part of me thinks that I’ve purposely avoided it, knowing that all my waking/non-work hours could easily be devoted to the drama. But if there’s one thing I really hate, it’s being pop-culturally irrelevant. And since the only non-upsetting yet mind-melting thing that’s occurring in the media right now is an absurd TV show in which people talk to each other through a wall and get engaged after one week, I had to dip my pinky toe in. And then wade waist-deep. And then drown.

By episode one I resented everyone for their delusions and had a lot of questions about Nick and Vanessa Lachey as hosts. By episode two, I was very irritated with (albeit invested in) the madness of saying “I love you” to a person you haven’t ever seen after spending four days talking to them in a “pod.” By episode five, I was screeching alone in my apartment, slapping my hands against my personal pile of snotty tissues next to my stomach desk. I fell in love with the audacity of the editing, the lunacy of the cast of characters on the show, and the theatrics that came with the scenarios into which they were shoved. (Cameron and Lauren are the exceptions to the madness rule–we mostly stan.)

This is certainly not a hot take, but it’s clear the cultural fervor around these recent reality Netflix shows like The Circle and Love is Blind—not to mention the non-Netflix staples like The Bachelor, Love Island, Are You the One—is a product of our collective desire to turn our brains off in the wake of a vicious and often terrifying news cycle. Surprise!

But there’s an equal and opposite draw to the other side of the spectrum: prestige TV, and nothing less. Succession, Game of Thrones, Insecure, Euphoria, Watchmen, The Leftovers, Atlanta, Fleabag. In a culture that is increasingly pushed to extremes, when it comes to TV I find myself oscillating between only two camps: “low” (real shut-off-your-brain-and-escape type stuff) and “high” (real thought-provoking-thematically-dark-high-production-value type stuff). I ride this pendulum swing so often that I’ve realized I rarely find joy in the in-between. A show needs to either liquify my brain into pulp or challenge me emotionally to the point of tears. We may be trending toward being medium online, but I’m not even close to trending toward being medium TV. I’m extreme TV and extreme TV only.

And I’m not the only one: After posting my general Love is Blind hysteria on my Instagram stories, my friend/culture writer/reality TV evangelist Laura welcomed me to what she calls her “pit,” encouraging me to start with her personal favorite, 90 Day Fiancé, through which she’s “lost many brain cells.” (I can’t wait to dive in.) Her sentiments echoed those of many others I’ve encountered on the internet: that the low-brow and the high-brow are the only shows that merit entrance into the zeitgeist.

All that said, are you an Xtreme TV watcher too? Or do you dwell in the middle with the likes of cable staples like Bones, Big Bang Theory, Grey’s Anatomy, or streaming in-betweeners like This Is Us, Younger, Riverdale? If you do—and I suppose many must, because they keep getting renewed (hi Harling)—do you just keep quiet about it? The middle, on my corner of the internet at least, seems all but irrelevant. I’d like to think this means we’re becoming less tolerant of mediocrity (lol), but it probably just means our attention spans are shot. Please weigh in with your thoughts.

Or just meet me in the comments to go off on Love is Blind.

Feature photos via Netflix and HBO.

The post After Watching ‘Love Is Blind,’ I Have a New Theory About TV appeared first on Man Repeller.

Jane Birkin—Yes, Jane Birkin—on Her Best Outfit Ever

In which I ask singer, songwriter, actress and model, Jane Birkin, what’s the best outift you’ve ever worn?

Oh gosh, what have they sent? That’s not the greatest outfit I’ve ever worn! It’s okay because it’s big. That’s what I wear these days: men’s clothes that are too big—cashmere jersey tops and trousers. Maybe this is a recent version of the best outfit ever, but it’s not the all-time best outfit ever.

Perhaps the all-time best outfit is what I’ll wear tonight [to go on The Tonight Show]. It’s a smoking suit by Saint Laurent. It is the same kind of smoking, in fact, that I’ve been wearing for 50 years. That makes it best: the enduring quality. But it’s somewhat larger because it’s a man’s one. I used to wear one for a woman, but now it is the man’s smoking that makes me look quite fragile, sleek. That’s why it’s nice, wearing men’s clothes. One looks sort of smooth. In a woman’s dress, I’d probably look quite horrid. No, much better in men’s clothes.

 

I just find it terribly difficult to find shoes because as I get dizzy onstage, it’s better not to wear anything high because I might just fall over. Larger pants cover my very ungainly tennis shoes. They’re the most comfortable shoes in the world, but they’re most ungainly. I saw someone wearing some boots yesterday, a boy, and he said they’d come from Rag & Bone and I said, “All right then I’ll be off there to buy them.” But I haven’t gone in time for the show tonight. I don’t know what Iggy Pop will be wearing, but with luck, we won’t see our legs too much.

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Iggy Pop and I will perform on the Tonight Show. On Friday, I’ll perform a whole show at the Beacon Theatre of Serge [Gainsbourg]’s songs that he wrote for me. Most of the saddest songs that he wrote were after our separation. Those were also the best songs.

My daughter, Charlotte, is going to sing “Johnny Jane,” which was the signature tune for “Je t’aime…moi non plus,” the film segment. We did the rehearsal yesterday. She was so touching. Iggy will perform, too, he is such good fun because he in fact already knows all of Serge’s work. It’s fun to be with people who appreciate the author as much as I do, as much as the public does. The performance will be done with a 60-piece orchestra by Nobu.

I went to Japan when they had the tsunami—my daughter Kate, who died, rang me up and said, “We should go.” I’d just come out of chemotherapy, so a bit more radioactivity didn’t matter to me very much. Everyone else was going the other way and when I arrived. I sang a few tiny concerts to keep people’s morale going and on the sites where the awful wave had come in. There was a pianist there, too. I thought he was frightfully good, but I hadn’t realized that he was equally a composer. Equally a great orchestrator for movie music.

When I got the suggestion to do all Serge’s songs at the theater here with a symphony orchestra, I said, “okay, if Nobuyuki Nakajima will do the orchestrations for me, I’ll do it.” Because then I knew people would not get bored. He agreed. Phillipe Le Richomme will direct—he’s been with me for 50 years, and with Serge. He’s always the one to tell me what would be good taste or not for Serge’s songs, or how to do them. He chose the songs.

I haven’t always maintained the principle of wearing bigger clothes to look sleeker cause I used to look quite sleek all on my own. By that I mean, I used to wear jeans and a man’s jacket and that was it—a bit like Celine’s collection this year, with an old tie as a scarf or something. I used to make up stuff [with my clothes]; that was fun in the old days. You could do that sort of thing: wear evening dresses back to front because it amused you, with a brooch on the stomach.

The photos you can find on the internet—those outfits are all made-up clothes. That was great fun.

I had and wore a very short dress by Paco Rabanne, only I took off about 10 inches of metal from the bottom so you could see my shorts. The English wore more outrageously short garb than the prudent French. They all stayed in good taste, whereas we couldn’t give a damn. We had the arrogance of youth, thinking that we were doing everything much better.

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7 Things I Can’t Live Without (Believe Me, I Tried)

Though I have a soft spot for my Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Gullion, I can get behind the sentiment that life is our greatest instructor. Life has taught me things like “caffeine after 4 p.m. is a bad idea,” and “never watch Silence of the Lambs alone in your apartment,” and “you will get a UTI if you don’t take cranberry pills every single day, young lass!” However, some of my most important life lessons revolve around a very specific category: things I foolishly abandoned and subsequently realized I couldn’t–or didn’t want to–live without. Below is a rundown of things that fall under this umbrella; a list that will likely keep growing until the day I croak (and I mean that in the most heartwarming way possible).

1. Deodorant With Aluminum

When I reflect on my flirtation with natural deodorant, I can’t help but chuckle like a wizened matriarch. Such an innocent time! Such a bold and beautiful attempt! My naive impression that I had successfully hacked the aluminum-free game was promptly shattered when I was lying next to my mom on a sofa one day, and she turned to me unceremoniously and said, “You smell really stinky. Are you wearing deodorant?” I’m pretty sure my jaw literally gaped. Stinky? Me? Right now!? Or… oh no… THIS WHOLE TIME!?!?! Because, yes, I technically was wearing (natural) deodorant, but the fact that she had to ask was a haunting revelation on par with spectral activity. I saw my life flash before my eyes, or rather I saw every social interaction from the last few months, all the moments I had leaned into hug someone, all the instances in which I’d sat next to a colleague in a meeting or a friend at dinner, reeling with the implication that my body odor had likely been detectable. I went to CVS and bought a 6-pack of Dove Invisible Solid Antiperspirant that afternoon.

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2. Full-Coverage Underwear

The most important milestone of my pubescence was not growing boobs or getting my period, it was a much more hallowed benchmark: getting my first Hanky Panky thong. Finally, I was joining the ranks of all the cool girls in my high school class. Finally, I could discard the granny panties of my youth and step into my feminine power. They’re soooo comfy, I remember cooing to one of my friends. And I fully believed this statement to be true. It wasn’t until just last year, as I peered into an underwear drawer that was 95% thongs and lamented the fact that my three pairs of legitimately comfortable cotton briefs were in my laundry hamper, that I realized I had been brainwashed by my own brain for almost half of my existence. I returned to the full-coverage underwear lifestyle immediately thereafter. Now the mere thought of wearing a thong sends a chill down my spine, which might sound like hyperbole but such is the price of a decade’s worth of synthetic lace-inflicted wedgies.

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3. Silk Pillowcases

I dabbled in sleeping on a silk pillowcase a couple years ago when I received one in a press mailer. This is quite nice, I thought to myself as I fell asleep with my cheek caressed by the fabric equivalent of a butterfly wing and woke up with unprecedentedly tangle-free hair. I stopped at some point though, partially because the pattern of the pillowcase didn’t match the rest of my bedding and partially because I was getting lazy about hand-washing it in my sink. I slipped back into my old cotton pillowcase ways as easily as a fish into a glass tank, and I didn’t realize what I was missing (i.e. silk pillowcases, my equivalent of the ocean, if we’re sticking with this metaphor), until I received another silk pillowcase as a gift from a friend and–just for fun–slept on it that night. And then the next night. And the next. And suddenly a week had passed and the gargantuan knots that would have typically formed in my curls at this point were mysteriously MIA. It took this matter of pure happenstance to demonstrate just how integral silk pillowcases are to my hair routine. Now, when I fall asleep at night, I still think this is nice–but I also think this is absolutely life-changing and I will never return to my old ways.

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4. My High School Boyfriend

I randomly broke up with my high school boyfriend at the end of freshman year because “I wanted to spend more time with my friends.” It was the kind of rash, relatively whim-like decision that only a 15-year-old navigating significant otherness for the first time would make, because the possibility that I could spend time with my friends and stay in the relationship somehow didn’t occur to me. It also didn’t occur to me that he wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore after I dumped him, or that I liked him way more than I initially realized, or that his sudden absence from my life would feel like a tender hole left by an extracted tooth. TLDR: We got back together seven months later, and we’re getting married in June.

5. May Lindstrom’s “The Blue Cocoon”

I first tried May Lindstrom’s “The Blue Cocoon” balm while conducting research for a story about redness-reducing products. I loved it immediately, enchanted by the witchy-in-a-good-way scent and the way it calmed my pink undertones. I applied a pea-sized dab every night for months after that, until summertime rolled around and its intensely moisturizing, balm-like texture started to feel too heavy in conjunction with warm weather. By the time the following winter rolled around, I had completely forgotten I still had half a jar left. At that point I had moved on to another evening skincare routine and a rotation of various heavy-duty moisturizers that seemed to do the job just fine. Then, on one particularly cold night, I spotted my beloved Blue Cocoon inside my bureau. I metaphorically shrugged my shoulders. Why not try it again? As soon as I’d spread it on my face, I cursed my idiot self for letting it languish at the back of a drawer for so long. It’s hands-down the best nighttime moisturizer I’ve ever used, and even though I’m dreading the moment when I have to re-purchase (it’s not cheap), I’m so glad our relationship is thriving anew.

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6. Salad Dressing

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I was a religious patron of Sweetgreen in college, fueled in part by my affection for their delicious dressings (I would have willingly imbibed them straight from a glass with a straw, milkshake-style, if someone had dared me). But at some point I was lured in by a persuasive online article about the “unhealthiness” of most salad dressings, and boom it was as if some demon had reached into my impressionable young mind and convinced me that my preferred way to dress a salad was a squeeze of lemon juice–and that’s it!!!!! I don’t know what’s more horrifying–that I spent months eating virtually dry salads, or that I let myself be suckered in by food fear-mongering, but fortunately this story ends happily. Logic eventually kicked in: Not only am I now a regular consumer of perfectly moist salads, but my appreciation for dressing has tripled in passion ever since my misguided hiatus. I could write an actual poem about my love for balsamic vinaigrette.

7. Girlfriend Leggings

I temporarily lost my one pair of Girlfriend leggings for a few months (turns out I’d left them at my parents’ apartment), and my subsequent devastation forced me to come to terms with how superior they are to all my other leggings. I missed their super high waist that was somehow also super comfortable. I missed how quickly they dried after a sweaty workout. I missed wearing them in conjunction with their matching crop top–one of the few coordinated workout sets I actually felt like myself in. Eventually my moping reached a fever pitch even I had to admit was bordering on the absurd, especially since there was an easy solution. I broke down and bought a replacement, only to ironically find the missing pair just a few days later. Yet another gorgeous lesson from my friend life.

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What are some things you didn’t know you loved until they were gone? Submit your own list in the comments.

Photos by Cody Guilfoyle. Prop Styling by Kalen Kaminski.

The post 7 Things I Can’t Live Without (Believe Me, I Tried) appeared first on Man Repeller.

Your March Horoscope Has Many Thoughts Re: The Full Moon

God bless the end of Mercury retrograde, amiright folks? It’s coming, I promise. In other news! There’s a big shift happening w/r/t star stuff this season, with Saturn moving into Aquarius on the 21st, which has all of the signs considering some big changes. We got a full moon in hyper-focused Virgo, and the start of fiery Aries on the 19th.

With all of this commotion, I wanted to get really personal with each of you. But how best to do it? Should I make house calls? No, this isn’t 1999 and we’ve all seen Catfish. Should I individually comment on all of your latest Instagram selfies? Idk, is there a word limit for those? I need to stretch out, I am verbose. So after much consideration, I’ve decided to write all of you letters, the most intimate form of communication borrowed from a bygone era before we were all brainwashed cyborgs. So please, enjoy these personal letters, and ignore the fact that they are here on the internet and therefore the points I made about their material intimacy are moot.

Pisces

Dear Birthday Fish,

It is time to friggin party. Honestly that’s really the biggest takeaway from the stars this month for you, but my editors didn’t want me to make your horoscope an emoji poem consisting mostly of fireworks and tongue emojis. So I guess we’ll do this the old-fashioned way. Let’s start with Venus, the planet that rules designer handbags and doin’ it, which meets up with wildcard Uranus on the 8th in Taurus. This is an excellent time to reconnect with some people that might have fallen off during retrograde.

When the full moon in Virgo arrives on the 9th, you will be called to confront some of those issues that led to maybe losing some friends or lovers. If the conversation doesn’t go too well, fear not sunfish, Jupiter is going to swoop in with some good luck around the areas of connection in your life. This influence will help you find the courage to give it another go, and hopefully things will proceed more smoothly the second time around. As I learned recently from Amber’s mom on Love is Blind, anything worth having is worth fighting for, but also, you shouldn’t have to fight for it all the time. So if your second attempt doesn’t go over well, it might be time to say goodbye.

Aries season begins on the 19th, which will encourage you to be tenacious with money matters. The very next day, Mars and Jupiter get together and no, this is not just my dream alternate plotline for sapphic reinterpretations of Sailor Moon, it is also a celestial union that will bring the requisite energy into the social aspects of your chart to make some breakthroughs and join groups or invigorate orgs that you are already a part of. Jupiter, that saucy wench, hooks up with Venus on the 28th and offers you an opportune moment to be bold, to state your needs, and to get those needs met. I haven’t gotten the invite to your party yet, but I’m sure it just got lost in the mail. I’ll see you there!

Xoxo,

s.

Aries

Bonjour Mes Petits Moutons,

It’s Pisces season, my most cherished fire-ram, and I have recently downloaded the French version of Duolingo, can you tell? The watery Piscean energy that rules the celestial airwaves right now offers you some respite from the general inflammation of your humors that you’ve had going on recently. Pisces energy deals with the unseen, the subconscious, the internal. For you, this signals an invitation from the stars to get a little dreamier, to go a little soft around the spiritual middle. You will definitely want to get yourself a fresh journal and start filling that bad boy up because your intuition is going to be on fire this month, especially around the 8th.

When Mercury ends its retrograde on the 9th, you can take all that intuitive insight and start clearing up any miscommunication that has seemed frustratingly immovable. On the 19th, it’s your time to shine as the sun returns to Aries and your birthday festivities start to manifest. Mars, the planet ruling war and conflict, and Pluto, the planet that rules destruction, meet up on the 23rd, which signals that you are going to need an outlet for some red-hot energy.

Therefore, I would like to suggest that you consider the following theme for your birthday: a spatchcocked chicken cook-off. Hear me out. I just tried this chicken-roasting technique. I literally had to break a chicken’s little chicken spine to lay it flat out on a roasting pan for optimal tender-to-crispy ratio. The amount of force I had to put into this gruesome act was astonishing, and may have turned me back into a vegan. So, you could do that. Or! Perhaps a jello wrestling theme? You could replace the jello with any viscous liquid really— oil, mud, whatever. Bonus! I think that it could be a really good all-over skin treatment. This month the stars would just really love for you to tenderly journey inward, while simultaneously breaking shit and putting people in (consensual) headlocks.

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

s.

Taurus

Salutations Tauri of Earth,

Wow, friend, you have a very fun month in store for you. Pisces’ lofty energy brings you in touch with your idealistic side, and the world needs some idealistic Tauri right now. Your stubborn, grounded nature makes you the exact right one to take up a cause that will require you to dig your heels (hooves? Hoof-heels a la Alexander McQueen?) into the dirt. When the sun and Neptune get together on the 8th, Venus also links up with Uranus. This little foursome right here will spark exciting things for you. This is a powerful day to lay waste to any limiting beliefs and to make a change in your life. Yes, I do mean that you should get bangs. I am always telling people to get bangs and people never listen to me! There is a bang out there for everyone! I also mean that this is a good time to join a spiritual community if you’re into that, or maybe like a spin studio, or even a chill cult. Not, like, an actual, abusive shitty cult. But like, a we-all-wear-the-same-color-and-have-wild-consensual-group-sex kind of cult. The kind of cult that is basically like a boy band, and if you don’t think that N*sync was getting at least a little bit frisky I implore you to re-visit their sensual synchronized live performances. I happen to have one right here that I believe proves my point definitively.

Moving on: Mark the 9th of March is the day you can finally exhale because Mercury is coming out of retrograde. If you’ve been ordering takeout for the last month to avoid “traveling” it might be time to put on some outdoor pants and eat a meal with other humans (unless you’re quarantined!!! In which case, thank you). The biggest day of the month for you is the 21st when Saturn slides into Uranus. This signals the opportunity for you to rise to the occasion and to step into your power. If I were you, I would shine up my loafers and start looking for some wider lapels so that you are ready to signal your dominance when the time comes.

Yr humble servant,

s.

Gemini

To the Venerable Geminati Around the Globe,

There is a lot going on for you during Pisces season, Gemini! I want to direct your attention first to the full moon in Virgo on the 9th, which (thank the astrological lords) is also the day that Mercury goes direct. This has been a super hazy retrograde for you, it has seemed damn near impossible to figure how to navigate which decisions are ultimately going to be the best for you, especially in terms of your career and your artistic endeavors. The full moon should illuminate all the murky places you’ve been dwelling in. Listen to whatever comes up during this time, because when Mercury returns to Pisces on the 16th, this connection brings a vibrant energy to the part of your chart that rule fame, reputation, and fortune. This signals that you’ll come across some new public-facing opportunities.

March is the month to launch an endeavor that requires you bring all of your creativity and all of your vulnerability to the table. People want to see you, people want to hear your ideas, people want your advice. Basically, even though Pisces is generally thought of as being a dreamy, soft energy, the particular cosmological cocktail in your chart invites you to get real this month. Whatever your most cherished desire is for yourself, you’re going to need to take this month’s astrological reality check to heart and make some fearless moves. Luckily, on March 30th, Mars enters Aquarius and brings you the assertive energy you need to set goals and boundaries, and to make some moves. I would bet my actual pinky toe on your ability to do this. The good pinky toe, or as I like to call her, My Show Toe.

Fare thee as well as I fare,

s.

Cancer

Addressed Unto My Right Well-Beloved Cancerians,

Oh, you misunderstood star crab. The last few weeks of Mercury retrograde brought all kinds of frustrating miscommunications into your life that may have taken a toll on some of your relationships, especially with those that are physically far away from you. But I believe in your good intentions, Cancer. It reminds me of this conversation I had on a first date with someone who was a militant dog person. And hey, it is fine to be a cat or a dog person and to feel strongly about those identity markers, but this dude was just going off on how cats are aloof and they’re just bad creatures. I realized that this person had never had the love of a cat, and honestly, I get it. Because he sucked. Anyway, my point is that Cancers are like cats in that if they love you, they will curl into your ribs and make your home feel like a home.

Luckily, when Mercury goes direct on the 9th, it coincides with a full moon in detail-oriented Virgo. This is just the kind of astrological energy that the doctor ordered. It may not yet be time to return to the sticky situations that arose during the retrograde, but if you do choose to try again, you have better chances in the light of Virgo’s full moon. When Aries season starts on the 19th, the region of your chart that rules your fame and fortune is fired the hell up. Expect some well-deserved praise or maybe even a shiny award to put on the ol’ trophy case.

Then! When Venus and Neptune meet up on the 22nd it will bring a softness to your intimate relationships. You can look forward to this day as one of reconciliation with a romantic partner that you may have felt a rift with. So as you move through the choppy waters of Mercury’s last days of retrograde, just picture yourself kicked back on the sofa with your chosen person as you toast champagne and admire all your trophies and the like.

In humble devotion,

s.

Leo

Greetings Fire Lions Whose Paws Are Both Cute and Deadly,

This is an excellent month to be a Leo, my friend. The Piscean energy is going to be a very healing influence for you. That watery, emotional energy will help you to loosen your grip on many of the heavy emotional burdens that you have been carrying around for far too long. Now, the more challenging aspect of this is that Mercury is still in retrograde until the 9th. Before you get to put down that weight, you might encounter some of that heavy shit rising up to the surface. You just have to persevere through the final days of the retrograde and if you can move through that period with grace, you will come out on the other side with abundant possibilities and celestial blessings.

For example, lucky Jupiter is gonna slide into Capricorn on the 11th, which will bring a fortunate energy to all your endeavors. After conferencing with the various astrological influences, we have decided as a group that you should spend some time around this lucky day sending out that resume that you’ve been revising over and over again. Capricorn is the zodiac’s workhorse, and you have a lot of influences pulling for your success. Seriously Leo, we must insist, because on the 20th, Mars meets Jupiter and all signs point to the start of a new era for you. This could look like a change in careers, this could look like you deciding to finally learn to knit your own sweater sets, this could look like signing up for Season 2 of Love is Blind. And sure, maybe you think that I’m just shoe-horning that show into this conversation so that I can coax you into talking about who we hate the most in the comments. Okay, fine. You got me. Meet me in the comments so we can talk shit about Damien.

Okay last thing! Look out for March 22nd, this will be a day where Mercury gets together with Uranus and it brings the energy for a breakthrough into the relationship sector of your chart. (Which is something that could really have helped Damien. Okay I’m done.)

Smell ya later,

s.

Virgo

To the Consortium of Most Venerable Virgirinos,

Hi dudes! Welcome to March! Welcome to Pisces season! This is going to be a romantic month for you. You have a whole lot of astrological support for your romantic endeavors when the sun and Neptune meet up on the 8th. This is an invitation to delve deeper into the relationship with yourself and with those closest to you. Then, when the moon is full in your sign the very next day, it will be a double whammy of all the good sweet things! You can expect to have 48 hours of emotional clarity, breakdowns, and breakthroughs.

If you have been feeling a little disconnected from yourself and your intimate partners during the retrograde, this is the time to make a real effort to address that. What the stars and I are prescribing for you during these auspicious times is to call into work, tell your bosses that you have a suspicious fever and you need to work from home for a few days to protect your colleagues from your mucus. Then, have yourself a little sensual stay-cation. If you have someone with who, you would like to have a heart to heart or like, put your mouth on, invite them over and seize this opportunity to transcend the bounds of these lonely skinsuits and reach a spiritual union the likes of which you’ve never known. Yes, I am suggesting a tantric freakum session with yourself and others.

Mark March 21st on your calendar, Virgirino. This is the beginning of a new era for you in the area of health and wellness, not in the once-a-year-massage way, but in the drinking-the-proper-amount-of-water-every-damn-day way. You can thank Saturn’s shift into Aquarius for this. Aquarius is a forward-looking, creative sign and Saturn’s whole thing is hard work and achievement. Take this energy and use it to get seriously creative about how you take care of yourself every day.

Blessed be,

s.

Libra

Dearest Darling Songbirds of the Celestial Plane,

As a Libra myself, I would like to address you, my dearest Libra-kin, and insist that we just take a moment to have a collective groan about this Mercury retrograde. The good news is that we are almost through the murk. Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, and according to the stars (and my inbox), we have been experiencing all kinds of setbacks and frustrations in our relationships as well as our ability to get our material life organized in the harmonious and delightful way we prefer. Luckily, we have a full moon in Virgo on the 9th and the end of the retrograde. This should get our plans moving in the right direction due to Virgo’s detail-oriented energy. But the stars insist that we must not overburden ourselves with external commitments, because we have a lot of processing to do internally! Full moons bring clarity, they shine light into the dark places in our complex lil souls. A full moon in Virgo will shine light on some deep emotional experiences that Libran folk generally prefer to avoid.

As an air sign whose focus is generally on keeping things smooth and balanced, Libras can sometimes be avoidant and a little duplicitous when it comes to confronting difficult emotional experiences head-on. The stars counsel us to be brave during this period, to work against our urge to make people comfortable and to avoid accountability. When Jupiter links up with Capricorn on the 11th, this an auspicious time to be relentless in seeking out happiness, especially as it relates to our domestic lives. This combo of lucky Jupiter and hardworking Capricorn will provide the kick we need to finally do our laundry instead of just stuffing all our dirty clothes under the bed until we realize that we have no more clean underwear and have to start wearing bikini bottoms to work under our pants like we plan to encounter a topless beach party around every corner.

Rise to the occasion of this month, Libra, and you will be rewarded with a new moon in Aries on the 24th, which should bring you the opportunity for a new beginning in a relationship that seriously needs one.

Mille tendresse,

s.

Scorpio

Dear Scorplings of the Terrestrial Plane,

Hi, it’s me your friendly neighborhood astrologizer! I am writing you this missive to inform you of all the grand plans the stars have laid out for you this month. Although retrograde saw you unable to get some things off your chest, the tides are changing and the forecast is thoroughly romantic. Things really start to ramp up on the 8th when the planet of love meets up with Uranus, the planet of freedom and rebellion, in the sign of Taurus, the sensual star-bull. This is an astrological opportunity to play, to experiment, to practice some figurative trust-falls, and to know that the cosmos are supporting you with that grounded Taurus energy.

The very next day, Mercury ends its retrograde and you will experience the impulse to be open, to unburden your carapace of all the emotional weight you’ve been scuttling around with. When Aries season starts on the 19th, you will get the boost you need to sort out the chaotic bits of your material world. This could mean organizing your planner, donating those bags of clothes that have been in your trunk for months, or cleaning out the freezer. If you do choose the freezer option, I would like to challenge you to describe, in the most lurid detail, what the gnarliest thing you find in there in the comments section. I have not cleared this with the higher-ups on Planet Man Repeller, but the horoscopes are my domain and I am a sucker for some voyeuristic scumlord oversharing.

Anyway! Anyone that crosses you better hold onto their hats come March 23rd because Mars is going to link up with Pluto and you’ll feel the urge to pick a fight. Conflict is often a necessary part of growth, but try not to cut to the quick, because once the clouds part, you may wish you had gone a little easier on that certain someone. The most important takeaways from the stars this month is to 1. honor your boundaries and 2. throw away that Tupperware full of what might have once been ice cream but is now a block of gross freezer burn. I miss you already and always.

May your carapace shine for all eternity,

S.

Sagittarius

Dearest Sweetest Sagittarius,

I hope that this letter finds you in excellent health and that your nail beds are miraculously smooth and resistant to the dreary effects that winter can have on our cuticles. This retrograde has brought a lot of chaos to so many of your fellow starchildren, but for many Sagittarians out there, the retrograde has implored you to revisit the events that have led you to this point in your life. Before Mercury goes direct around the 9th, pay special attention to your past. This is a great time to see if your MySpace account still exists, and to scroll all the way to the end of your Facebook wall, if for no other reason than to see how weird we all were at social media back in the day. I mean, we’re still weird with social media, but a deep dive into the oversharing posts of yester-year might lend some perspective about how far you’ve come.

Also on the 9th, a full moon in Virgo shines its laser-focused, precision-loving light on the areas of your chart that rule fame and reputation. So while you’re in the murk of your early social media activities, you might want to go ahead and delete some of the more embarrassing choices before your new career as an influencer takes off and haters try to bring you down with your early hot takes about which brand of hot sauce is best on tacos. As you all know, the internet is ruthless about tacos (and everything else).

On the 22nd, you should probably just sit down all day because the stars suggest that you could very well receive some you-should-be-sitting-down-for-this news thanks to wildcard Uranus linking up with loving Venus and dreamy Neptune. When the new moon in Aries arrives on the 24th, you will be feeling positively flamboyant with passion, so have an inch-long row of devil emojis locked, loaded, and ready to send out to your crush. Remember, there is nothing that tenacity and cuticle butter can’t fix.

Stay golden,

s.

Capricorn

To All Capricorns It May Concern,

I bring you good tidings this Pisces season my fishtailed stargoat! Well, I bring you challenging tidings, but tidings that will ultimately work in your favor—starting with the early days of March and Mercury still stubbornly in retrograde. You have a lot of mental energy right now, but the last few days of this retrograde are really scrambling up that genius juice. Try to stay calm and patient when miscommunication strikes. Maybe do some puzzles, or become one of those people who solves the sudoku puzzles in the back of airplane magazines. Luckily, the retrograde ends around the 9th, at the same time that we get a full moon in Virgo. This should help clear away any of the gunk that’s been jamming up your communications, which will come in handy when Jupiter links up with the sun a few days later and makes you feel the kind of I-can-do-anything energy of trying Adderall for the first time in college while doing a juice cleanse (I do not endorse either of these things, and really, you won’t need them with the Jupiter-sun conjunction headed your way).

Saturn, your ruling planet, drinks in the sun’s energy on the 19th, making this day the optimal time to make a big move toward your life’s ambition. The next day is the first day of Aries season, and Mars links up with Jupiter to give your already well-developed sense of hard-work a little extra fire. Caution: If that determination comes with a side of aggro thanks to the influence of warrior-planet Mars, make sure to choose your words carefully to avoid having to clean up an unnecessary mess later. The latter part of the month is all about being responsible with your finances and doing whatever it takes to make your home hospitable and comfortable. You need a soft landing to return to after your long days of securing bags and not taking anyone’s shit. So basically what I’m saying is: Buy some throw pillows and download an app that will tell you to stop sending emails and go to bed.

Loves ya,

s.

Aquarius

To All the Luminary Aquarians,

Salutations, you strange and glorious human waterfall! Welcome to Pisces season, an era of mixed feelings, but many hopeful omens for Aquari everywhere. On March 8th, the last day of this pesky Mercury retrograde, the sun will meet dreamy Neptune in the emotionally perspicuous Pisces, helping you to manifest clarity and serenity out of the muddy waters of the past few retrogradin’ weeks. When the full moon in Virgo hits on the 9th, you will feel momentum picking up and that stagnant blah feeling that has been lurking around your solar plexus start to dissipate. This full moon in earth sign Virgo will shine light on your intimate relationships, particularly as they relate to the material world. Are you cohabitating? If so, it might be time to have a conversation about how the other person consistently refuses to squeeze out the dish sponge and therefore rendering said cleaning tool a useless bacteria laden chunk of stink. Are you considering sharing finances? It may be time to speak honestly about that secret credit card you keep to make shame purchases that you would rather not answer for.

When the sun links up with Saturn on March 19th, the stars will encourage you to lean on your support systems a little bit and maybe have one of those good old-fashioned bi-annual Aquarius-needs-to-cry-in-front-of-another-human days. You are the wisest of the air signs, the most intellectual and sometimes perceived as the most detached. You should see this as an opportunity to release some of those pent-up emotions that you might say don’t even exist but, in the humble opinion of the celestial bodies and their self-selected oracle (me), those feelings are definitely there. If that gentle suggestion didn’t convince you, try this on for size: Mars, the planet of confrontation, links up with Pluto, the planet that is all about power and control, on the 23rd. This is the astrological equivalent of a party where everyone’s been playing Everclear-pong and around 2 a.m. someone starts a mosh pit. What I’m telling you here is that if you don’t let some of those feelings out when you have clear headed Saturn and sun holding your hand, you might do something rash by the time Mars gets to the party. You can do it, you strong, emotionally available juggernaut.

In friendship,

s.

Illustration by Olivia Healy.

The post Your March Horoscope Has Many Thoughts Re: The Full Moon appeared first on Man Repeller.

Mark My Words: This Sunglasses Shape Is Going to Be THE THING This Spring

I assumed Goldilocks and the Three Bears was a purely fictional tale until just shy of three weeks ago, when I was trying on sunglasses in front of a mirror at Warby Parker. Too big, I thought to myself as I slid off the pair of oversized frames, haunted by memories of the early 2000s. I reached for another option, a pair of slender cat-eyes. Too small, I concluded immediately, haunted by memories of the tiny sunglasses craze of 2016-2018 (the flames of which I personally fanned on many occasions). I scanned the shelves for what felt like something that might not even exist: the perfect not-too-big, not-too-small sunglasses shape. Classic but not vintage-looking. Aesthetically pleasing but still practical in terms of sun protection. Simple and distinctive at the same time.

I spotted them out of the corner of my eye–a pair of medium-sized black rectangular frames. Sliding them up the bridge of my nose was, indeed, reminiscent of consuming a spoonful of porridge at its most ideal temperature. Ahhhhh. Just right.

The style is perfect in a way that is slightly deceptive. They almost look too simple at first glance–too forgettable, too quotidian–and it’s only once you put them on that their (dare I say transcendent?) magic is apparent. There’s something distinctive about the shape that becomes clear; it’s a close cousin to the infinitely classic Wayfarer-esque shape but narrower, more of a blank canvas than an iconic aesthetic you’re simply adopting. They’re reminiscent of Carolyn Bessette Kennedy’s signature frames but more modern, grounded squarely in the present while gently nodding to the past. I have a gut feeling they’re going to be THE sunglasses of the impending season (and the fact that Kendall Jenner has worn a similar style for three days straight in Paris is only stoking the flames of my conviction).

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“Giddy” would be an accurate word to describe how I feel about this development. Such is the influence of an overdue discovery that I know will transform my outfits this spring and summer, a little thing with a very big ripple effect. More importantly, though, how do YOU feel? Are you in on the medium-sized rectangle movement? Does it satisfy a craving for eyewear that falls somewhere in between the extreme worlds of oversized and teeny-tiny? Let’s discuss at length in the comments.

The post Mark My Words: This Sunglasses Shape Is Going to Be THE THING This Spring appeared first on Man Repeller.

Trust Me, Try it: The Best Travel Mug on the Market, No Contest

Picture this: You make a big pot of coffee in the morning. You grind the beans just so. The grounds-to-coffee ratio verges on persnickety. After one cup of black coffee taken with some requisite disturbing morning news, you pour the remains of your coffee pot into a thermos. A tumbler. A reusable mug. Whatever.

And then that coffee vehicle proceeds to fail you more severely than I failed Intro to Computer Science in college. The mouthpiece isn’t leak-proof so it drips ugly poo-brown drops onto your white sneakers. The lid isn’t secure enough so it dribbles coffee onto your neighbor’s coat on the train and they glare at you as though you’re indeed the devil while you offer to pay their dry cleaning bill. The cup itself is unwieldy, so every morning is a circus act featuring you, your work bag, your gym bag, Tupperware, etc. And the worst of all: after all that travel, you take a sip of coffee at your desk and do a dramatic spit take, spraying it everywhere, because it has become the worst coffee temperature–tepid.

Okay so maybe the spit take doesn’t happen (I haven’t done a proper spit take since seeing this tweet), but I know the anguish of all the above, all too well. And then I encountered the Zojirushi.

As a quick explainer: My ex-partner is the kind of person who would live and die by the things that he loved (except for me, lol) (it’s okay we’re on good terms). So when he first showed me his reusable mug, I said, “Sure, Jan” and moved on with my life. At the time I had a cute one with a flower on it, and so what if it burned my hand every morning?

Then one weekend we went on a hike upstate where he brought both iced coffee and hot tea in two different Zojirushi mugs. The tea stayed, not just hot, but scalding, for six hours, then bearably hot for the next eight. No sign of tepidness. The iced coffee? I could still rattle the ice cubes in the mug the NEXT MORNING. If it sounds like I’m being dramatic, then call me Adam Driver because I was slamming my fists into the metaphorical wall. Not only were the temperatures of the drinks maintained beyond what I believed technologically possible, but the secure lid made it so that the mugs didn’t spill even once while turning over in our backpacks. It was astonishing. I bought two Zojirushis the next day

Before you say this is some sort of infomercial instead of a genuine endorsement of an (insanely) good product, allow me to say that I’ve owned my 12 oz and 16 oz mugs for over a year and they are some of my best purchases to date. I’ve even given them as gifts and converted people into fellow Zojirushi disciples.

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It’s odd because I was–and am–somewhat the opposite of my former partner. I can be flighty and mercurial, my tastes reliant on how I want to self-identify during a given period of time. But this reusable mug has become one of the most consistent things about me, and I really like that. I’m not perfect when it comes to being responsible to this planet, but it makes me genuinely happy to fill my mug to the brim every morning, or hand it over to a barista. So if you’re looking for a similar feeling: Jump in, the water’s cold/hot, depending on your mood.

Photos by Beth Sacca.

The post Trust Me, Try it: The Best Travel Mug on the Market, No Contest appeared first on Man Repeller.