Lex Allen's Blog, page 4
May 10, 2014
NOT ANOTHER WRITING TIP
I am writing today to talk about writing tips and why writers can’t seem to stop posting writing tips on their blogs. No, the tip is not – “don’t use the same word twice in the same sentence or the same paragraph!”
Far be it from me to tell other writers how to write. I’m not perfect. If I were perfect, I’d be contracted with a large traditional publisher. If I followed all the writing tips ever written by an indie author, grammar expert though some could be, I’d still be an indie writer without the perfection necessary to get a contract with a major, traditional publishing house.
I wanted to write, instead, about an epiphany that recently blazed through my often addled brain. I would have posted this article much sooner, but the desire to experiment, in order to prove the theory, required a bit of time. First, let me assure myself that you all understand the definition of epiphany in a non-religious way. An epiphany is “a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.” Hmmm.
Okay, not an epiphany. Nothing ever happens suddenly with me these days. Let’s call it a revelation (not in a religious way). A revelation is "the act or process of disclosing something previously secret or obscure, especially something true." Yes, that’s more like it, I think.
So, I had a revelation. Immediately after I’d been reading a chapter or two of my all-time most favorite author’s current bestseller, I discovered that I write much better myself. So much better, in fact, that I could be my all-time most favorite author’s twin! Yes. My SWAG here is that…oh, hang on; a SWAG is a Scientifically Wild-Ass Guess. They are much more…Well, scientific than a simple WAG. Anyway, my SWAG is that while reading your all-time favorite author’s words, you absorb some of their talents. It doesn’t last long, but if you “make hay while the sun shines,” as my granddaddy used to say, you can get some pretty potent writing done.
Although I fully expect everyone within shouting distance of this post to run out and buy everything I’ve ever written, especially after I unveil the fact that my all-time favorite author is Stephen King; I have a disclaimer to make. (Sigh) I did not discover this amazing writing tip until after I’d already finished two novels and a short story anthology. Well, the good news is that I DID discover the secret, and I am thoroughly wearing it out while writing the conclusion of my trilogy. Can I get a “Yeehaw?” No? How about a sympathy sale?
Far be it from me to tell other writers how to write. I’m not perfect. If I were perfect, I’d be contracted with a large traditional publisher. If I followed all the writing tips ever written by an indie author, grammar expert though some could be, I’d still be an indie writer without the perfection necessary to get a contract with a major, traditional publishing house.
I wanted to write, instead, about an epiphany that recently blazed through my often addled brain. I would have posted this article much sooner, but the desire to experiment, in order to prove the theory, required a bit of time. First, let me assure myself that you all understand the definition of epiphany in a non-religious way. An epiphany is “a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.” Hmmm.
Okay, not an epiphany. Nothing ever happens suddenly with me these days. Let’s call it a revelation (not in a religious way). A revelation is "the act or process of disclosing something previously secret or obscure, especially something true." Yes, that’s more like it, I think.
So, I had a revelation. Immediately after I’d been reading a chapter or two of my all-time most favorite author’s current bestseller, I discovered that I write much better myself. So much better, in fact, that I could be my all-time most favorite author’s twin! Yes. My SWAG here is that…oh, hang on; a SWAG is a Scientifically Wild-Ass Guess. They are much more…Well, scientific than a simple WAG. Anyway, my SWAG is that while reading your all-time favorite author’s words, you absorb some of their talents. It doesn’t last long, but if you “make hay while the sun shines,” as my granddaddy used to say, you can get some pretty potent writing done.
Although I fully expect everyone within shouting distance of this post to run out and buy everything I’ve ever written, especially after I unveil the fact that my all-time favorite author is Stephen King; I have a disclaimer to make. (Sigh) I did not discover this amazing writing tip until after I’d already finished two novels and a short story anthology. Well, the good news is that I DID discover the secret, and I am thoroughly wearing it out while writing the conclusion of my trilogy. Can I get a “Yeehaw?” No? How about a sympathy sale?
January 30, 2014
Doesn't Anyone Ever Use the Toilet?
Early on New Year’s Day, I was sitting on the “throne” contemplating my New Year’s Resolutions when an epiphany washed over me. I can only guess, and time will tell, whether or not this sudden conceptual thought was indeed an epiphany. I’ve only read about epiphanies, you see; I’ve never actually experienced such a thing.
Whatever it was, this burst of inspiration caught me completely off guard. It was, as they say, ‘short and sweet’; why don’t fictional characters ever have to use the toilet? Just like that… completely out of nowhere! Previously, I’d been thinking about revamping my website and adding some distinctive editorial review excerpts to my book’s product pages. Yes, at the time, I was actually using the toilet; still, that is such a normal, mundane and daily event that I can’t imagine any connection to this brilliant flash of insight.
It took a minute for me to reclaim the breath that had been knocked out of me before I began to run through a mental list of books and stories I’d read over the years, searching for a scene that included a character having to use the toilet at any time during his or her active scenes. I could recall only one… “Ocean’s Eleven”. Not a perfect example, but there was the scene where the bank robbers were digging the tunnel and one of them had to stop, back out of the tunnel and take care of business. The poor fellow had IBS, you understand? I wondered why so many novels included long, detailed philosophical and/or emotional meanderings, or detailed descriptions of places and things, neither of which had nothing to do with the story’s premise or any of the story arcs; yet, there was never a scene interrupted by someone having to go to the toilet!
Is this reality? Is the lack of toilet use truly an example of the so-called verisimilitude necessary to establish a suspension of disbelief for the reader? Simply put… no! I added a new, New Year’s Resolution; henceforth, every book I write will include a toilet scene for at least one of the main characters. If you’re a writer, I hope you’ll join me in this effort to establish this detail of authenticity to your writing. If you’re a reader, I’m hopeful that you will recognize my efforts by including the fact that mine was the first book you’d read whereby a lead character actually has to break up a scene in order to… well, take care of business!
PS. Prior to posting, I recalled another toilet scene but not the title of the book. It entailed a soldier squatting and “making like a wild bear in the woods”, when an enemy soldier appeared. There were no words exchanged as the enemy pointed his rifle at the poor soul and sympathetically waited until he’d wiped himself before pulling the trigger. Okay, not actually a toilet scene, but poignant nonetheless.
Whatever it was, this burst of inspiration caught me completely off guard. It was, as they say, ‘short and sweet’; why don’t fictional characters ever have to use the toilet? Just like that… completely out of nowhere! Previously, I’d been thinking about revamping my website and adding some distinctive editorial review excerpts to my book’s product pages. Yes, at the time, I was actually using the toilet; still, that is such a normal, mundane and daily event that I can’t imagine any connection to this brilliant flash of insight.
It took a minute for me to reclaim the breath that had been knocked out of me before I began to run through a mental list of books and stories I’d read over the years, searching for a scene that included a character having to use the toilet at any time during his or her active scenes. I could recall only one… “Ocean’s Eleven”. Not a perfect example, but there was the scene where the bank robbers were digging the tunnel and one of them had to stop, back out of the tunnel and take care of business. The poor fellow had IBS, you understand? I wondered why so many novels included long, detailed philosophical and/or emotional meanderings, or detailed descriptions of places and things, neither of which had nothing to do with the story’s premise or any of the story arcs; yet, there was never a scene interrupted by someone having to go to the toilet!
Is this reality? Is the lack of toilet use truly an example of the so-called verisimilitude necessary to establish a suspension of disbelief for the reader? Simply put… no! I added a new, New Year’s Resolution; henceforth, every book I write will include a toilet scene for at least one of the main characters. If you’re a writer, I hope you’ll join me in this effort to establish this detail of authenticity to your writing. If you’re a reader, I’m hopeful that you will recognize my efforts by including the fact that mine was the first book you’d read whereby a lead character actually has to break up a scene in order to… well, take care of business!
PS. Prior to posting, I recalled another toilet scene but not the title of the book. It entailed a soldier squatting and “making like a wild bear in the woods”, when an enemy soldier appeared. There were no words exchanged as the enemy pointed his rifle at the poor soul and sympathetically waited until he’d wiped himself before pulling the trigger. Okay, not actually a toilet scene, but poignant nonetheless.
Doesn't Anyone Ever Use the Toilet?
Early on New Year’s Day, I was sitting on the “throne” contemplating my New Year’s Resolutions when an epiphany washed over me. I can only guess, and time will tell, whether or not this sudden conceptual thought was indeed an epiphany. I’ve only read about epiphanies, you see; I’ve never actually experienced such a thing.
Whatever it was, this burst of inspiration caught me completely off guard. It was, as they say, ‘short and sweet'. Why don’t fictional characters ever have to use the toilet? Just like that… completely out of nowhere! Previously, I’d been thinking about revamping my website and adding some distinctive editorial review excerpts to my book’s product pages. Yes, at the time, I was actually using the toilet; still, that is such a normal, mundane and daily event that I can’t imagine any connection to this brilliant flash of insight.
It took a minute for me to reclaim the breath that had been knocked out of me before I began to run through a mental list of books and stories I’d read over the years, searching for a scene that included a character having to use the toilet at any time during his or her active scenes. I could recall only one… “Ocean’s Eleven”. Not a perfect example, but there was the scene where the bank robbers were digging the tunnel and one of them had to stop, back out of the tunnel and take care of business. The poor fellow had IBS, you understand? I wondered why so many novels included long, detailed philosophical and/or emotional meanderings, or detailed descriptions of places and things, neither of which had anything to do with the story’s premise or any of the story arcs; yet, there was never a scene interrupted by someone having to go to the toilet!
Is this reality? Is the lack of toilet use truly an example of the so-called verisimilitude necessary to establish a suspension of disbelief for the reader? Simply put… no! I added a new, New Year’s Resolution; henceforth, every book I write will include a toilet scene for at least one of the main characters. If you’re a writer, I hope you’ll join me in this effort to establish this detail of authenticity to your writing. If you’re a reader, I’m hopeful that you will recognize my efforts by including the fact that mine was the first book you’d read whereby a lead character actually has to break up a scene in order to… well, take care of business!
PS. Prior to posting, I recalled another toilet scene but not the title of the book. It entailed a soldier squatting and “making like a wild bear in the woods”, when an enemy soldier appeared. There were no words exchanged as the enemy pointed his rifle at the poor soul and sympathetically waited until he’d wiped himself before pulling the trigger. Okay, not actually a toilet scene, but poignant nonetheless.
Whatever it was, this burst of inspiration caught me completely off guard. It was, as they say, ‘short and sweet'. Why don’t fictional characters ever have to use the toilet? Just like that… completely out of nowhere! Previously, I’d been thinking about revamping my website and adding some distinctive editorial review excerpts to my book’s product pages. Yes, at the time, I was actually using the toilet; still, that is such a normal, mundane and daily event that I can’t imagine any connection to this brilliant flash of insight.
It took a minute for me to reclaim the breath that had been knocked out of me before I began to run through a mental list of books and stories I’d read over the years, searching for a scene that included a character having to use the toilet at any time during his or her active scenes. I could recall only one… “Ocean’s Eleven”. Not a perfect example, but there was the scene where the bank robbers were digging the tunnel and one of them had to stop, back out of the tunnel and take care of business. The poor fellow had IBS, you understand? I wondered why so many novels included long, detailed philosophical and/or emotional meanderings, or detailed descriptions of places and things, neither of which had anything to do with the story’s premise or any of the story arcs; yet, there was never a scene interrupted by someone having to go to the toilet!
Is this reality? Is the lack of toilet use truly an example of the so-called verisimilitude necessary to establish a suspension of disbelief for the reader? Simply put… no! I added a new, New Year’s Resolution; henceforth, every book I write will include a toilet scene for at least one of the main characters. If you’re a writer, I hope you’ll join me in this effort to establish this detail of authenticity to your writing. If you’re a reader, I’m hopeful that you will recognize my efforts by including the fact that mine was the first book you’d read whereby a lead character actually has to break up a scene in order to… well, take care of business!
PS. Prior to posting, I recalled another toilet scene but not the title of the book. It entailed a soldier squatting and “making like a wild bear in the woods”, when an enemy soldier appeared. There were no words exchanged as the enemy pointed his rifle at the poor soul and sympathetically waited until he’d wiped himself before pulling the trigger. Okay, not actually a toilet scene, but poignant nonetheless.
October 17, 2013
Book Review Mafia?
I try to write funny, informative and entertaining blog articles. Sometimes though, a subject comes up that can’t be brushed over with humor and its entertainment value is zero – unless one gets their kicks from abhorrent issues.
This is one of those times. While I am personally divulging scandalous information with intent to call attention and perhaps, action against the perpetrators; I am speaking for a large number of independent authors/publishers that find the very idea… much less the reality of an organized review mafia, despicable. Book reviews are the “make or break” instruments for independent authors and publishers.
Recently, I read a blog article by Hugh Howey, a highly successful indie author that brought attention to the development of using bad reviews to bash authors with the intent of discrediting their work, without ever actually reading the book. As it turns out, this is but one example of impropriety by a handful of readers and fellow authors in the book review process. The opposite extreme is equally abominable.
I was going to write, “There appears to be” but there is no longer the slightest doubt that a new contagion is sweeping the review process. The facts clearly show that there is a group of approximately forty-five people (based upon current evidence) who have organized themselves to exchange 5 Star level book reviews. A requirement for the reviewer to actually have read the book is waived. In fact, an author can write a review for his own book, send it to the organizers, and it will be posted by another member of the group.
This is reprehensible and it’s not even the whole story. There is additional proof that should someone from outside the group “sneak in” a bad review (1, 2 or even a 3 Star review); that reviewer risks insulting comments by a “representative” of the affected author, and/or threats of revenge e.g., “… Remember that what goes around comes back around”.
I don’t know the size of the community of indie authors and publishers. I imagine it’s a huge number, but size doesn’t matter. What is important is the integrity of this community; from the bestsellers to the author who wrote a book simply for posterity, no sales anticipated or wanted. Over the past several years, this community has demonstrated an enviable record of humanity… people helping people. Independent writers are learning the traditional publishing ins and outs by trial and error, and by helping each other with advice, spreading news, encouragement, and even providing a shoulder for someone else to cry on.
The actions of people that Hugh Howey mentioned in his article, and those of this scam-like book review group blacken the eye of every honest, hard writing independent author and publisher. It is incumbent upon all of us to identify and publicly denounce their behavior. Readers deserve good books and they deserve honest reviews to help them find the good books.
PS. Since publishing this article, I’ve learned of two more instances where an indie author was approached to join a group of “authors” who provide each other with guaranteed 5 star reviews. The disease is spreading!
This is one of those times. While I am personally divulging scandalous information with intent to call attention and perhaps, action against the perpetrators; I am speaking for a large number of independent authors/publishers that find the very idea… much less the reality of an organized review mafia, despicable. Book reviews are the “make or break” instruments for independent authors and publishers.
Recently, I read a blog article by Hugh Howey, a highly successful indie author that brought attention to the development of using bad reviews to bash authors with the intent of discrediting their work, without ever actually reading the book. As it turns out, this is but one example of impropriety by a handful of readers and fellow authors in the book review process. The opposite extreme is equally abominable.
I was going to write, “There appears to be” but there is no longer the slightest doubt that a new contagion is sweeping the review process. The facts clearly show that there is a group of approximately forty-five people (based upon current evidence) who have organized themselves to exchange 5 Star level book reviews. A requirement for the reviewer to actually have read the book is waived. In fact, an author can write a review for his own book, send it to the organizers, and it will be posted by another member of the group.
This is reprehensible and it’s not even the whole story. There is additional proof that should someone from outside the group “sneak in” a bad review (1, 2 or even a 3 Star review); that reviewer risks insulting comments by a “representative” of the affected author, and/or threats of revenge e.g., “… Remember that what goes around comes back around”.
I don’t know the size of the community of indie authors and publishers. I imagine it’s a huge number, but size doesn’t matter. What is important is the integrity of this community; from the bestsellers to the author who wrote a book simply for posterity, no sales anticipated or wanted. Over the past several years, this community has demonstrated an enviable record of humanity… people helping people. Independent writers are learning the traditional publishing ins and outs by trial and error, and by helping each other with advice, spreading news, encouragement, and even providing a shoulder for someone else to cry on.
The actions of people that Hugh Howey mentioned in his article, and those of this scam-like book review group blacken the eye of every honest, hard writing independent author and publisher. It is incumbent upon all of us to identify and publicly denounce their behavior. Readers deserve good books and they deserve honest reviews to help them find the good books.
PS. Since publishing this article, I’ve learned of two more instances where an indie author was approached to join a group of “authors” who provide each other with guaranteed 5 star reviews. The disease is spreading!
Blogging Tip #1
One of the basic concepts for marketing your indie book is to write a blog. As an eager beaver, newly published indie writer (self-published, of course; established traditional authors do not write blogs, they spend their writing time authoring books), I thought blogging would be the easiest and most fun part of marketing. I wrote some pretty fabulous blogs, if I do say so myself (some up to 10K words), that covered the gamut of everything I believed in, all that I wanted to believe in, my worldview and how it was vitally important that everyone, everyone accept those views and… and it was all crap. Boring, no one gives a damn, rants and drivel.
Until I discovered how completely inane my first blogs were, it was a complete surprise to me that they went largely unread, and remained devoid of comment or even one single “like” button punch. I was frustrated, I even contemplated suicide; but decided instead to complain… bitterly to the “friend” who had insisted that I should write a blog. She said, “Quite writing that boring crap and write about writing.”
I covered both ears and ran from the room. No way was that great idea getting out of my head before I could sit down and let it out on my word program! Write about writing, what a novel idea? Without thinking three times, I started checking out other author blogs… surely, someone else had the same idea and I could learn from them.
Have you ever experienced the traumatic bursting of your dream bubble? It’s, it’s… sorry, I’m speechless. (Deep breath) OK. Everyone, literally millions of indie authors all across the globe are writing blogs about writing! I’d thought I’d die. I thought I’d commit murder. How dare my friend lead me astray like that? I went back to her… “How dare you…”
She calmly held up her hand. “You ran out of here before I could finish. You are not an expert at writing, are you? Neither are the rest of those writers blogging about writing. Everyone has their own experiences and writing techniques. You should simply write about your experiences. I guarantee that the majority of indie authors will be able to relate.”
So, I did. Last week I wrote my first writing tip blog, “Three Obstacles to Finishing That Book”, based upon my own experiences. So far, it’s gotten two comments… from friends. It’s a start… that’s more attention than all the other blogs I’ve written combined. Every journey begins with a single step, does it not? Someone famous said that, so it must be so. I’ll accept it as fact. That blog was my first step, and this one is my second. Before long I will surely join the ranks of the blogging elite, and that success will propel my books straight to the bestseller lists!
If I believe that, or if you believe that, anyone wanting to sell ocean front property in Arizona should look us up. So, what’s the writing tip? Read this carefully:
Use every single minute of the time that you’ve been expending in marketing your books… the blogs, the giveaways, the blog tours, the discussion groups, writer’s groups, psychiatrists and psychoanalyst appointments, and re-direct all that time and effort into getting a traditional, Big 6 publishing contract. Leave all this blogging and indie publishing stuff to us fools.
Until I discovered how completely inane my first blogs were, it was a complete surprise to me that they went largely unread, and remained devoid of comment or even one single “like” button punch. I was frustrated, I even contemplated suicide; but decided instead to complain… bitterly to the “friend” who had insisted that I should write a blog. She said, “Quite writing that boring crap and write about writing.”
I covered both ears and ran from the room. No way was that great idea getting out of my head before I could sit down and let it out on my word program! Write about writing, what a novel idea? Without thinking three times, I started checking out other author blogs… surely, someone else had the same idea and I could learn from them.
Have you ever experienced the traumatic bursting of your dream bubble? It’s, it’s… sorry, I’m speechless. (Deep breath) OK. Everyone, literally millions of indie authors all across the globe are writing blogs about writing! I’d thought I’d die. I thought I’d commit murder. How dare my friend lead me astray like that? I went back to her… “How dare you…”
She calmly held up her hand. “You ran out of here before I could finish. You are not an expert at writing, are you? Neither are the rest of those writers blogging about writing. Everyone has their own experiences and writing techniques. You should simply write about your experiences. I guarantee that the majority of indie authors will be able to relate.”
So, I did. Last week I wrote my first writing tip blog, “Three Obstacles to Finishing That Book”, based upon my own experiences. So far, it’s gotten two comments… from friends. It’s a start… that’s more attention than all the other blogs I’ve written combined. Every journey begins with a single step, does it not? Someone famous said that, so it must be so. I’ll accept it as fact. That blog was my first step, and this one is my second. Before long I will surely join the ranks of the blogging elite, and that success will propel my books straight to the bestseller lists!
If I believe that, or if you believe that, anyone wanting to sell ocean front property in Arizona should look us up. So, what’s the writing tip? Read this carefully:
Use every single minute of the time that you’ve been expending in marketing your books… the blogs, the giveaways, the blog tours, the discussion groups, writer’s groups, psychiatrists and psychoanalyst appointments, and re-direct all that time and effort into getting a traditional, Big 6 publishing contract. Leave all this blogging and indie publishing stuff to us fools.
Three Inhibitors to Effective Writing
I’m not talking about the universally infamous “writer’s block” that has actually become a catch-all for any number of problems that arise while trying to write. Writer’s block is the crutch, the excuse, the one over the world reason that a writer doesn’t make progress; but, it isn’t the real problem. Here are the three, major inhibitors that writers stumble over while working on a writing project.
#3 – Social Media. As you begin your writing day, it’s impossible to not check your email, isn’t it? It’ll only take a minute, it’s mostly spam anyway. Or, maybe you’ve got FB, G+, LinkedIn, Pinterest or Twitter as your home page, and you’re immediately sucked into an hours long jaunt through all the social media sites until, with a rare and exceptional surge of discipline, you break away, get a couple of sentences written and… #2a happens.
#2a. – Life Gets in the Way. It never fails, does it? You’ve got a train of thought going, the words are right there in your head waiting to spew forth onto the document when a horror-movie-scream is followed by an urgent call for help, “Jeremyyyy, John-John smeared poop on the wall and Jennifer is puking all over the bed… I need help, NOW!”
Or
#2b - Life Gets in the Way. “Susan, you’re the best I’ve got and I need you to fix the problems we’re having with Project X. It’s going to require some overtime… a lot, I’m afraid… and some traveling.” Ignoring her desperate looks that plead, “No… no… no”, she gets a pat on the back and a gentle push towards the door. “I know you won’t let us down, Susan… you’ll need to get started right away”.
#1 – On-line Research. I do a lot of on-line research in addition to reading actual books. When I need something fast, though, I always go the on-line route to find information. Inevitably, I end up spending hours doing what should have taken a few minutes.
The other day I wanted some information about geological vortexes (not vortices) and looked up those in and around Sedona, Arizona. I had what I needed in less than two minutes, but noticed a paragraph heading “Harmonic Convergence”. That led to a related topic -“New Age”, which took me to Austin Cline, a very interesting humanist kind of guy. I spent some time reading about him, and then followed several more links that were closely related.
In all, I “lost” over an hour of writing time. One could argue that gathering so much new information was worth the wasted writing time and I’d agree… in principle. But, when it happens several times a day, every day? Not so much.
#3 – Social Media. As you begin your writing day, it’s impossible to not check your email, isn’t it? It’ll only take a minute, it’s mostly spam anyway. Or, maybe you’ve got FB, G+, LinkedIn, Pinterest or Twitter as your home page, and you’re immediately sucked into an hours long jaunt through all the social media sites until, with a rare and exceptional surge of discipline, you break away, get a couple of sentences written and… #2a happens.
#2a. – Life Gets in the Way. It never fails, does it? You’ve got a train of thought going, the words are right there in your head waiting to spew forth onto the document when a horror-movie-scream is followed by an urgent call for help, “Jeremyyyy, John-John smeared poop on the wall and Jennifer is puking all over the bed… I need help, NOW!”
Or
#2b - Life Gets in the Way. “Susan, you’re the best I’ve got and I need you to fix the problems we’re having with Project X. It’s going to require some overtime… a lot, I’m afraid… and some traveling.” Ignoring her desperate looks that plead, “No… no… no”, she gets a pat on the back and a gentle push towards the door. “I know you won’t let us down, Susan… you’ll need to get started right away”.
#1 – On-line Research. I do a lot of on-line research in addition to reading actual books. When I need something fast, though, I always go the on-line route to find information. Inevitably, I end up spending hours doing what should have taken a few minutes.
The other day I wanted some information about geological vortexes (not vortices) and looked up those in and around Sedona, Arizona. I had what I needed in less than two minutes, but noticed a paragraph heading “Harmonic Convergence”. That led to a related topic -“New Age”, which took me to Austin Cline, a very interesting humanist kind of guy. I spent some time reading about him, and then followed several more links that were closely related.
In all, I “lost” over an hour of writing time. One could argue that gathering so much new information was worth the wasted writing time and I’d agree… in principle. But, when it happens several times a day, every day? Not so much.
September 25, 2013
Dear Pope Francis I
I hope this letter finds you happy and well. I’m writing on behalf of the millions upon millions of people who are quite enamored with your pronouncements about homosexuality, atheists, and women’s rights. I (we) think it admirable and well… let’s not beat around the bush – miraculous – that you have taken such a strong (sic) stand against hundreds of years of Church dogma.
What I really, really want to know is… have you been reading my novels – “No Heaven” and “No Hell”? The reason I ask is because I have a Pope character in these books that is a lot like you. No, not true… I wrote the books before you were elected so, you’re a lot like MY Pope.
There are some differences, of course. For one thing, MY Pope (Sebastian Smythe – Pope John Paul III) is a Black, South African. You know, for a while there during the election process after Bennie the 16th resigned, I thought I was going to be declared a prophet because a couple of the Cardinals being touted as “front runners” were Blacks. That would have been pretty cool, huh? But… you came along and won the election. Don’t worry; I’m not upset about it… just one of those things, right?
So then, I was very surprised to read about some of the things you’ve been saying in the press and it quickly became clear to me that you’ve been reading my novels! MY Pope is also all about restructuring the Church! I don’t know about you, but MY Pope has some high powered incentives for restructuring the Church… like… well, I can’t tell you because it would spoil things for other folks, who haven’t read the books yet. Giving away plot clues is called “spoilers”. I’m sure you understand?
Anyway, here’s something that really got my attention, something that MY Pope hasn’t even considered (although now that you’ve done it, I might make some changes… lol); MY pope hasn’t said, “Bishops should live in poverty”. WOW! You can’t deny it; I saw it on the international news just this morning. The reason that I’m so excited is that here, finally, is your chance to actually DO something and not just talk about it.
Here’s your golden opportunity, Sir. Here’s your chance to put action to words; make an example that no one can dispute. This guy… Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van-Elst http://www.spiegel.de/international/g... (Christ, his name is enough to warrant some kind of remedial action) needs to be taken out. LOL… no, not the Mafia kind of ‘taken out’… let’s say that he needs to be forced to retire. I know you can’t simply fire the guy, but I think you should be able to sort of wave your hand and decry the man’s sins, publicly embarrass him enough, that he’ll resign or kill himself (Don’t Worry! Considering what I’ve read about his ego, it’s a really safe bet that he won’t commit suicide; not to mention that he’s not likely to give up his shot at spending an eternity amongst all those streets paved in gold).
As I understand it, the only way a Bishop can be removed from office is if he dies (maybe the Mafia version is an option after all?) or he resigns. Hey, that rule applies to you, too! So, why are you worried about whether the Cardinals will approve anything you do? MY Pope isn’t worried about that at all, he just wants to know who’s against him and who isn’t. You know, “keep your friends close and you’re enemies closer”? Why, you’re darned near omnipotent within the realm of the Roman Catholic Church. The same applies to your talk about homosexuality, misogyny, and atheism… just write a whatchacallit… “bull” and make it so. No one can force you to retire!
Wait, the Council of Cardinals, following the plans designed by several anonymous and newly hired, Spin Doctors did, in fact, force the resignation of your predecessor, didn’t they? Surely you’re not worried about the Council of Cardinals or the Mafia solution?
What I really, really want to know is… have you been reading my novels – “No Heaven” and “No Hell”? The reason I ask is because I have a Pope character in these books that is a lot like you. No, not true… I wrote the books before you were elected so, you’re a lot like MY Pope.
There are some differences, of course. For one thing, MY Pope (Sebastian Smythe – Pope John Paul III) is a Black, South African. You know, for a while there during the election process after Bennie the 16th resigned, I thought I was going to be declared a prophet because a couple of the Cardinals being touted as “front runners” were Blacks. That would have been pretty cool, huh? But… you came along and won the election. Don’t worry; I’m not upset about it… just one of those things, right?
So then, I was very surprised to read about some of the things you’ve been saying in the press and it quickly became clear to me that you’ve been reading my novels! MY Pope is also all about restructuring the Church! I don’t know about you, but MY Pope has some high powered incentives for restructuring the Church… like… well, I can’t tell you because it would spoil things for other folks, who haven’t read the books yet. Giving away plot clues is called “spoilers”. I’m sure you understand?
Anyway, here’s something that really got my attention, something that MY Pope hasn’t even considered (although now that you’ve done it, I might make some changes… lol); MY pope hasn’t said, “Bishops should live in poverty”. WOW! You can’t deny it; I saw it on the international news just this morning. The reason that I’m so excited is that here, finally, is your chance to actually DO something and not just talk about it.
Here’s your golden opportunity, Sir. Here’s your chance to put action to words; make an example that no one can dispute. This guy… Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van-Elst http://www.spiegel.de/international/g... (Christ, his name is enough to warrant some kind of remedial action) needs to be taken out. LOL… no, not the Mafia kind of ‘taken out’… let’s say that he needs to be forced to retire. I know you can’t simply fire the guy, but I think you should be able to sort of wave your hand and decry the man’s sins, publicly embarrass him enough, that he’ll resign or kill himself (Don’t Worry! Considering what I’ve read about his ego, it’s a really safe bet that he won’t commit suicide; not to mention that he’s not likely to give up his shot at spending an eternity amongst all those streets paved in gold).
As I understand it, the only way a Bishop can be removed from office is if he dies (maybe the Mafia version is an option after all?) or he resigns. Hey, that rule applies to you, too! So, why are you worried about whether the Cardinals will approve anything you do? MY Pope isn’t worried about that at all, he just wants to know who’s against him and who isn’t. You know, “keep your friends close and you’re enemies closer”? Why, you’re darned near omnipotent within the realm of the Roman Catholic Church. The same applies to your talk about homosexuality, misogyny, and atheism… just write a whatchacallit… “bull” and make it so. No one can force you to retire!
Wait, the Council of Cardinals, following the plans designed by several anonymous and newly hired, Spin Doctors did, in fact, force the resignation of your predecessor, didn’t they? Surely you’re not worried about the Council of Cardinals or the Mafia solution?
September 19, 2013
How to Convert an Atheist
I was going to title this post, “5 Ways to Convert an Atheist” but I couldn’t think of five ways. I cut it to “3 Ways to Convert an Atheist”; surely I could come up with three ways. I’m a writer of fiction; I have literally thousands… uh, several amazing ideas running around in my head ALL THE TIME, just waiting to explode onto the computer screen, and once there they’d be happy and multiply until the next, great American Novel is created, and it goes on to sell millions upon millions of books! YES! Well… keep on a-dreamin’, right? Yeah…
All I needed to do was decide the three ways that would convince me that there was really and truly an omniscient being that… well, you know… sees all, knows all, etc. So, I gave it my best brainstorming shot. I abstained from alcohol, funny smokes and lust for an entire thirty minutes or so and… nothing came to me. I tried meditation because I KNOW that my spirit has all the answers and he/she/or it would quickly come to the rescue and give me not three but a whole bucket full of ways to convert an atheist. I would, in fact, be hard pressed to pick out the top three. But, he/she/or it remained mysteriously mum on the subject. In between writing and posting this blog I’ve learned why my spirit remained silent on the question I put to it, but that’s the topic for a future post.
It finally occurred to me that there simply wasn’t three ways to convert an atheist. There was one… ONLY ONE. God was going to have to appear “like a spirit in the sky”, simultaneously visible around the globe. He was going to have to show up and say something really wise and profound; something like, “See Me, Feel Me…” to the tune of the Who’s famous song, titled the same. Or maybe He could repeat a comment that He personally delivered to Ezekiel while the prophet was tied up and drugged back in the day:
“I also gave them over to statutes that were not good and laws they could not live by; I let them become defiled through their gifts – the sacrifice of every firstborn – that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the LORD” (The Bible, Ezekiel 20:25-26)
WHOA!!… that would be scary, huh? I’ll bet it convinced ol’ Ezekiel! It would convince me… For Sure! But a real, deep down inside, firmly convinced, dyed in the wool ATHEIST? Nope. An atheist would simply point to the technology that developed holograms. They’d be really excited about this one because, up until now, no one has ever produced a hologram in thin air, without a lot of special mirrors and cameras; and, let’s not forget, visible to the entire world… all at once. Still, would it change their minds about the existence of God? Not a chance in Hell. Aside from the truly amazing hologram miracle, ol’ Ezekiel had been tortured and drugged when God spoke to him – clearly an unreliable source.
Hang on, something’s coming to me… No God would equal No Heaven – would mean No Hell! If there’s no heaven and no hell, there would be No Religion! What a great idea! Sorry, gotta run… I’ve some writing to do!
- See more at: http://www.lexallen.com/how-to-conver...
All I needed to do was decide the three ways that would convince me that there was really and truly an omniscient being that… well, you know… sees all, knows all, etc. So, I gave it my best brainstorming shot. I abstained from alcohol, funny smokes and lust for an entire thirty minutes or so and… nothing came to me. I tried meditation because I KNOW that my spirit has all the answers and he/she/or it would quickly come to the rescue and give me not three but a whole bucket full of ways to convert an atheist. I would, in fact, be hard pressed to pick out the top three. But, he/she/or it remained mysteriously mum on the subject. In between writing and posting this blog I’ve learned why my spirit remained silent on the question I put to it, but that’s the topic for a future post.
It finally occurred to me that there simply wasn’t three ways to convert an atheist. There was one… ONLY ONE. God was going to have to appear “like a spirit in the sky”, simultaneously visible around the globe. He was going to have to show up and say something really wise and profound; something like, “See Me, Feel Me…” to the tune of the Who’s famous song, titled the same. Or maybe He could repeat a comment that He personally delivered to Ezekiel while the prophet was tied up and drugged back in the day:
“I also gave them over to statutes that were not good and laws they could not live by; I let them become defiled through their gifts – the sacrifice of every firstborn – that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the LORD” (The Bible, Ezekiel 20:25-26)
WHOA!!… that would be scary, huh? I’ll bet it convinced ol’ Ezekiel! It would convince me… For Sure! But a real, deep down inside, firmly convinced, dyed in the wool ATHEIST? Nope. An atheist would simply point to the technology that developed holograms. They’d be really excited about this one because, up until now, no one has ever produced a hologram in thin air, without a lot of special mirrors and cameras; and, let’s not forget, visible to the entire world… all at once. Still, would it change their minds about the existence of God? Not a chance in Hell. Aside from the truly amazing hologram miracle, ol’ Ezekiel had been tortured and drugged when God spoke to him – clearly an unreliable source.
Hang on, something’s coming to me… No God would equal No Heaven – would mean No Hell! If there’s no heaven and no hell, there would be No Religion! What a great idea! Sorry, gotta run… I’ve some writing to do!
- See more at: http://www.lexallen.com/how-to-conver...
August 28, 2013
Top 5 Reasons to Support Anarchy
It’s been a while since we had a good ol’ revolution. I mean, 1789? Really? Come on, that’s far too long. It’s time to get with the program, my friends! Here are the top 5 reasons to support a 21st Century American Revolution:
5. Get Back Our Dignity!
We are Americans for Christ’s sake! We waged a full-on war over paying taxes on our tea, yet we allowed our “Democratic” government to pass the Patriot Act without so much as a good old-fashioned sit-in? When did we become such wusses?
4. Rebuild the Economy!
Arms dealers aren’t making enough money! With the Obama administration pulling our soldiers out of war-torn Iraq and Afghanistan, the war-machine is in desperate need of new revenue streams. Do the economy a favor – put people back to work with the American UPRISE Act (Undermine Plutocratic Reign in Search of Equality).
3. Share the Wealth!
The Federal Reserve needs to bailout American citizens. It’s time to invade the Fed and distribute its worthless pieces of paper to the 99% along with the promise to provide everyone everywhere with their inalienable right to MacBooks and iPhones. You have a large, anonymous, volunteer army equipped to hack security clearances at your ready, and in return they will name a computer virus in your honor.
2. Eliminate Collective Stupidity!
The collective IQ of America has been in serious decline for decades while the youth population has continued to grow. Without a centralized government, leadership decisions will be left up to local communities where sensible people like Grandma Cyrus will beat Miley’s hind-end before she goes on national TV making a fool of herself and “rocking” the vote!
1. You’ll Become Infamous!
After you are executed – martyred, if you prefer – by the “fill-in-the adjective” reigning government, you’ll go down in the history books as the “Last Anarchist”. You’ll be the envy of all your wannabe revolutionist neighbors and despised by modern-day “Tories” as a treasonous dissident and felon.
Unless of course…
You win the rebellion, in which case, the new Revolutionary regime’s puppet leader will discredit your sacrifices, execute you under questionable circumstances, and revise the history books to exclude you. You will, however, be immortalized on expensive t-shirts made by Chinese penny-wage workers and worn by ironic counter-culture hipsters a la Che Guevera.
- See more at: http://www.lexallen.com/top-5-reasons...
5. Get Back Our Dignity!
We are Americans for Christ’s sake! We waged a full-on war over paying taxes on our tea, yet we allowed our “Democratic” government to pass the Patriot Act without so much as a good old-fashioned sit-in? When did we become such wusses?
4. Rebuild the Economy!
Arms dealers aren’t making enough money! With the Obama administration pulling our soldiers out of war-torn Iraq and Afghanistan, the war-machine is in desperate need of new revenue streams. Do the economy a favor – put people back to work with the American UPRISE Act (Undermine Plutocratic Reign in Search of Equality).
3. Share the Wealth!
The Federal Reserve needs to bailout American citizens. It’s time to invade the Fed and distribute its worthless pieces of paper to the 99% along with the promise to provide everyone everywhere with their inalienable right to MacBooks and iPhones. You have a large, anonymous, volunteer army equipped to hack security clearances at your ready, and in return they will name a computer virus in your honor.
2. Eliminate Collective Stupidity!
The collective IQ of America has been in serious decline for decades while the youth population has continued to grow. Without a centralized government, leadership decisions will be left up to local communities where sensible people like Grandma Cyrus will beat Miley’s hind-end before she goes on national TV making a fool of herself and “rocking” the vote!
1. You’ll Become Infamous!
After you are executed – martyred, if you prefer – by the “fill-in-the adjective” reigning government, you’ll go down in the history books as the “Last Anarchist”. You’ll be the envy of all your wannabe revolutionist neighbors and despised by modern-day “Tories” as a treasonous dissident and felon.
Unless of course…
You win the rebellion, in which case, the new Revolutionary regime’s puppet leader will discredit your sacrifices, execute you under questionable circumstances, and revise the history books to exclude you. You will, however, be immortalized on expensive t-shirts made by Chinese penny-wage workers and worn by ironic counter-culture hipsters a la Che Guevera.
- See more at: http://www.lexallen.com/top-5-reasons...
August 20, 2013
Can You Imagine?
Although not yet scientifically proven, the concept that spiritual energy exists in all living things is supported is some ways by several quantum physics theories. Our definition of spirit or soul is “the force or principle of life that animates the bodies of living things.” The word comes from the Latin, spiritus, which means breathing. Breath is life. Life is God, and thus, the spirit of God is within us.
Unfortunately, while designing the man-made religious doctrines that have stymied scientific studies throughout our history, this concept was misinterpreted to provide us with a single, omniscient God; and while it was impossible to describe such a being, we designed the dogma so that we were made in His image.
Imagine, though, that God is not an individual entity. God is neither a he nor a she nor an alien entity… not even a single thing. God is everything that your eye can see, your fingers can touch, your ears can hear, your nose can smell, your tongue can taste and… all that your conscious minds can imagine. God is not an omniscient being that knows all and sees all. God does not control everything you do. God does not cause earthquakes or storms, nor does God have a plan for everyone’s life.
Let’s use the human body, which everyone is thoroughly familiar with, as an analogy. Imagine your body as the universe, the entire universe and everything that you can see from the starfish and sand on the floor of the ocean to the further sun in deep space. Your body is composed of organs, arteries, muscles and bone. Within your body, there are innumerable cells, and within each of these cells, countless atoms and smaller still… a trillion, trillion and more quarks.
Now, imagine that each organ and bone in your body is a galaxy… the Milky Way, for example; and each artery and vein is a connection between the galaxies. Each cell in your body, be it a muscle cell or a blood cell or a fat cell… each of these represents a world within the galaxy. The atoms within each cell are analogous to the different races of people and animals, plants and rocks, streams and oceans… all manner of things. Within each atom are quarks, the smallest portion of the whole… yet, this is the piece of God that resides in all living things.
The Church and all religions from Paganism to Judaism to Islam were founded on man-made ideas and principles. God has not dictated rituals or dogma. God has not established what is sin… or even - what is good and what is not. All of the religions of this world, and all worlds where religions of some form exist, have been designed and used as tools to control people through fear… the fear of the unknown and the fear of death. There are certainly aspects of religion that benefit mankind, prayer and the philanthropic efforts of religious groups are two examples. God is not a single, omniscient being that sees all and knows all; rather, God is a collective entity that knows all and sees all.
Metaphorically speaking, prayer is a plea to the omniscient version of God. He (in all monotheist religious, God is male) listens to everyone’s prayers and decides who gets what they want and who doesn’t. Like the mythological Santa Claus – God decides who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Instead, when one prays, they are thinking; the conscious mind is generating energy which spreads throughout the universe. Think of radio waves as an analogy. These waves of energy spread throughout the entire universe and are eventually answered by other spiritual energies. Often, an answer to a prayer is not recognized because the recipient does not believe and cannot imagine that his or her prayer has been answered. The universe that is God answers all prayers… whether the recipient recognizes the answer is fodder for further discussion.
In the interim… can you imagine?
Unfortunately, while designing the man-made religious doctrines that have stymied scientific studies throughout our history, this concept was misinterpreted to provide us with a single, omniscient God; and while it was impossible to describe such a being, we designed the dogma so that we were made in His image.
Imagine, though, that God is not an individual entity. God is neither a he nor a she nor an alien entity… not even a single thing. God is everything that your eye can see, your fingers can touch, your ears can hear, your nose can smell, your tongue can taste and… all that your conscious minds can imagine. God is not an omniscient being that knows all and sees all. God does not control everything you do. God does not cause earthquakes or storms, nor does God have a plan for everyone’s life.
Let’s use the human body, which everyone is thoroughly familiar with, as an analogy. Imagine your body as the universe, the entire universe and everything that you can see from the starfish and sand on the floor of the ocean to the further sun in deep space. Your body is composed of organs, arteries, muscles and bone. Within your body, there are innumerable cells, and within each of these cells, countless atoms and smaller still… a trillion, trillion and more quarks.
Now, imagine that each organ and bone in your body is a galaxy… the Milky Way, for example; and each artery and vein is a connection between the galaxies. Each cell in your body, be it a muscle cell or a blood cell or a fat cell… each of these represents a world within the galaxy. The atoms within each cell are analogous to the different races of people and animals, plants and rocks, streams and oceans… all manner of things. Within each atom are quarks, the smallest portion of the whole… yet, this is the piece of God that resides in all living things.
The Church and all religions from Paganism to Judaism to Islam were founded on man-made ideas and principles. God has not dictated rituals or dogma. God has not established what is sin… or even - what is good and what is not. All of the religions of this world, and all worlds where religions of some form exist, have been designed and used as tools to control people through fear… the fear of the unknown and the fear of death. There are certainly aspects of religion that benefit mankind, prayer and the philanthropic efforts of religious groups are two examples. God is not a single, omniscient being that sees all and knows all; rather, God is a collective entity that knows all and sees all.
Metaphorically speaking, prayer is a plea to the omniscient version of God. He (in all monotheist religious, God is male) listens to everyone’s prayers and decides who gets what they want and who doesn’t. Like the mythological Santa Claus – God decides who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Instead, when one prays, they are thinking; the conscious mind is generating energy which spreads throughout the universe. Think of radio waves as an analogy. These waves of energy spread throughout the entire universe and are eventually answered by other spiritual energies. Often, an answer to a prayer is not recognized because the recipient does not believe and cannot imagine that his or her prayer has been answered. The universe that is God answers all prayers… whether the recipient recognizes the answer is fodder for further discussion.
In the interim… can you imagine?
