Anne Ullah's Blog
March 16, 2014
Interview With David Njoku: Book Promoter
As an indie author I’m always looking for new places to promote my books and, as I have discovered via social media, there are countless options available. Finding out what works and what doesn’t is an ongoing learning curve for me. When I first discovered Indie Author Land on Twitter (@IndieAuthorLand) I have to admit to being very impressed with their website and completely intrigued by their handy little “find that one perfect book” device. Try it, it works:
http://www.indieauthorland.com/archiv...
Their author interview questions looked like fun to answer and, as their services are completely free of charge, I thought, “What have I got to lose”? I’ve granted them two interviews so far and I’m planning a third when Trouble at Toff Towers III comes out later this year.
So, yes, the site offers free book promotion and I have seen first hand that the service is both reliable and innovative, but does this sort of promotion actually work? I decided to turn the tables and invited David Njoku from Indie Author Land to grant me an interview. He very kindly agreed so I hastily gathered together a few of my fellow indies (Amanda Egan, Elaine R Chissick, Steve Briggs, Jamie Tucker Dougan, Ephraim Gadsby and Alan Reynolds) and we settled in for a friendly interrogation:
JAMIE: Tell us something about yourself that would surprise people.
DAVID: My life's like a dream. No, I'm not talking of sun-swept beaches, leggy models and drinks with little umbrellas in them. I mean my life is like a dream in that while it's interesting to live, it's definitely boring to recount.
But if you insist, my dinner party story is about the time I was locked up in Senegal because the immigration officials had never seen a black Briton before and assumed my passport must be a forgery. I spent two days in a cell and then was booted out of the country. I never did get to see their pink lakes, which I hear are a wonder to behold.
AMANDA: What drove you to start up a website in support of indie authors and would you consider writing a book of your own?
DAVID: We started Indie Author Land because my wife, Sola, was bored and needed a hobby. We'd just read an article in The Guardian on how indies were on the cusp of taking over the industry and decided to start a site to help us - and others - discover self-published books worth reading.
Would I ever write a book? I'm not sure. I used to be a short story writer, and it's still the form I'm most in love with. I might one day publish a collection of my stories.
ANNE AND ELAINE: You must be inundated with information about great books every day. What genres do you like to read and, having read an author interview, how often are you unable to resist downloading a copy of his/her book for yourself? Do you look at the reviews before giving in to temptation?
DAVID: Right now I'm reading a book called The Etymologicon by Mark Forsyth. It's a (very funny) romp through the weird history of words. These days I tend to read books that'll enable me to sound clever at dinner parties. That probably says something about me, and I'm not sure it's something complimentary!
When it comes to fiction, I live at the extremes - I love unashamedly genre fiction and densely boring "big L" Literature. And yes, I often buy a book on the strength of an interview; although, yes, I do check out the reviews first.
AMANDA: Speaking of reviews, if you really dislike a book, do you say it as it is, do you sweeten the pill or do you decide against leaving a review?
DAVID: I am far too aware of how much effort goes into writing a book to leave a negative review. Having said that, I do get very, very angry whenever I see an indie who's written a sloppy book. Good indies have a tough enough time without having the whole group besmirched by some pre-educated yahoo with a typewriter.
STEVE: Do you think that offering their books for free is a genuinely effective marketing ploy for an indie author or does it just suggest that their sales are struggling?
DAVID: Honestly, I don't know. In my day job, I work with data and statistics, and I am planning to one day do some analysis on the subject, but I haven't got round to it yet. I'm too busy with the leggy models and the drinks with umbrellas in them!
ANNE: I sometimes wonder whether most websites that profess to promote indie authors simply end up being places for us to discover each other. What proportion of visitors to your site are readers rather than writers?
DAVID: This is a great question, and one that bothered me a great deal.
In the early days of Indie Author Land, we wrote a lot of clever code to link interviews with other interviews for similar books. Our thinking was that if the only people who come to read an interview are the author themselves and their immediate family then we have to find ways to subtly urge them to also check out other novels they might enjoy. If every author 'shared' their readers with the rest of the group then everyone gains. That system worked, and still works, although these days the vast majority of our visitors come from Google and are not authors themselves.
EPHRAIM: What one piece of advice would you give to a new indie author and, in your opinion, what is the strongest marketing tool we can use?
DAVID: I'm biased, of course, but I would definitely recommend Indie Author Land. There are lots of author interview sites, but I doubt that any other site goes to bat for you as heavily as we do. Months after your interview, we'll still be tweeting about it and urging readers to check your book out. And because of the algorithms we've developed, if a reader visits us to read about a similar book, even if it's years later, we'll nudge them towards yours.
The best piece of non self-interested advice I'd give is: get the best cover you can afford. We all judge books by their covers.
ALAN: In a world of myopic literary agents and blinkered publishers, I would like to ask you what your views are on indie authors in general and how we can take that next step to become more widely accepted.
DAVID: I think we all have to be careful with the term "indie". We've got a fantastically supportive community, but while the word is a positive signal to other members of the tribe, it is still a negative one to the average reader. My advice would be that authors leave the fact of their "indie-ness" off all marketing aimed at readers and let the book win on its own merit.
I know this is strange coming from a website with Indie in its name, but these days we push books on their own strengths and do not expect readers to buy anything for any other reason.
But frankly, I do not know what else an author can do to overcome the handicap of not having a huge publicity machine behind them.
JAMIE: Where do you see yourself in twenty years time?
DAVID: Did I mention the beach, the models and the cocktails? (I hope my wife never reads this - or the closest I'd get to a beach is when my corpse washes ashore!)
ELAINE: How do I get my books on your website?
We offer two services, and they're both completely free. We interview authors about their books, and we also help them promote any of their books that are discounted or temporarily free. We do this on our website, using social media, and through a weekly newsletter that goes out to a few thousand readers. You can get your books on our site using this link:
http://www.indieauthorland.com/ourser...
With thanks to my fellow authors (David - please note, I did not say “indie”!):
Amanda Egan: http://mummymisfit.blogspot.com/
Elaine R Chissick: http://elainechissick.wix.com/chissic...
Steve Briggs: http://batsby.blogspot.co.uk/
Jamie Tucker Dougan: http://jamietuckerdougan.com/
Ephraim Gadsby: http://ephraimgadsby.wix.com/whatho
Alan Reynolds: http://www.alanreynoldsauthor.com/
Join me for more bookish banter at: https://www.facebook.com/anneullahwri...
http://www.indieauthorland.com/archiv...
Their author interview questions looked like fun to answer and, as their services are completely free of charge, I thought, “What have I got to lose”? I’ve granted them two interviews so far and I’m planning a third when Trouble at Toff Towers III comes out later this year.
So, yes, the site offers free book promotion and I have seen first hand that the service is both reliable and innovative, but does this sort of promotion actually work? I decided to turn the tables and invited David Njoku from Indie Author Land to grant me an interview. He very kindly agreed so I hastily gathered together a few of my fellow indies (Amanda Egan, Elaine R Chissick, Steve Briggs, Jamie Tucker Dougan, Ephraim Gadsby and Alan Reynolds) and we settled in for a friendly interrogation:
JAMIE: Tell us something about yourself that would surprise people.
DAVID: My life's like a dream. No, I'm not talking of sun-swept beaches, leggy models and drinks with little umbrellas in them. I mean my life is like a dream in that while it's interesting to live, it's definitely boring to recount.
But if you insist, my dinner party story is about the time I was locked up in Senegal because the immigration officials had never seen a black Briton before and assumed my passport must be a forgery. I spent two days in a cell and then was booted out of the country. I never did get to see their pink lakes, which I hear are a wonder to behold.
AMANDA: What drove you to start up a website in support of indie authors and would you consider writing a book of your own?
DAVID: We started Indie Author Land because my wife, Sola, was bored and needed a hobby. We'd just read an article in The Guardian on how indies were on the cusp of taking over the industry and decided to start a site to help us - and others - discover self-published books worth reading.
Would I ever write a book? I'm not sure. I used to be a short story writer, and it's still the form I'm most in love with. I might one day publish a collection of my stories.
ANNE AND ELAINE: You must be inundated with information about great books every day. What genres do you like to read and, having read an author interview, how often are you unable to resist downloading a copy of his/her book for yourself? Do you look at the reviews before giving in to temptation?
DAVID: Right now I'm reading a book called The Etymologicon by Mark Forsyth. It's a (very funny) romp through the weird history of words. These days I tend to read books that'll enable me to sound clever at dinner parties. That probably says something about me, and I'm not sure it's something complimentary!
When it comes to fiction, I live at the extremes - I love unashamedly genre fiction and densely boring "big L" Literature. And yes, I often buy a book on the strength of an interview; although, yes, I do check out the reviews first.
AMANDA: Speaking of reviews, if you really dislike a book, do you say it as it is, do you sweeten the pill or do you decide against leaving a review?
DAVID: I am far too aware of how much effort goes into writing a book to leave a negative review. Having said that, I do get very, very angry whenever I see an indie who's written a sloppy book. Good indies have a tough enough time without having the whole group besmirched by some pre-educated yahoo with a typewriter.
STEVE: Do you think that offering their books for free is a genuinely effective marketing ploy for an indie author or does it just suggest that their sales are struggling?
DAVID: Honestly, I don't know. In my day job, I work with data and statistics, and I am planning to one day do some analysis on the subject, but I haven't got round to it yet. I'm too busy with the leggy models and the drinks with umbrellas in them!
ANNE: I sometimes wonder whether most websites that profess to promote indie authors simply end up being places for us to discover each other. What proportion of visitors to your site are readers rather than writers?
DAVID: This is a great question, and one that bothered me a great deal.
In the early days of Indie Author Land, we wrote a lot of clever code to link interviews with other interviews for similar books. Our thinking was that if the only people who come to read an interview are the author themselves and their immediate family then we have to find ways to subtly urge them to also check out other novels they might enjoy. If every author 'shared' their readers with the rest of the group then everyone gains. That system worked, and still works, although these days the vast majority of our visitors come from Google and are not authors themselves.
EPHRAIM: What one piece of advice would you give to a new indie author and, in your opinion, what is the strongest marketing tool we can use?
DAVID: I'm biased, of course, but I would definitely recommend Indie Author Land. There are lots of author interview sites, but I doubt that any other site goes to bat for you as heavily as we do. Months after your interview, we'll still be tweeting about it and urging readers to check your book out. And because of the algorithms we've developed, if a reader visits us to read about a similar book, even if it's years later, we'll nudge them towards yours.
The best piece of non self-interested advice I'd give is: get the best cover you can afford. We all judge books by their covers.
ALAN: In a world of myopic literary agents and blinkered publishers, I would like to ask you what your views are on indie authors in general and how we can take that next step to become more widely accepted.
DAVID: I think we all have to be careful with the term "indie". We've got a fantastically supportive community, but while the word is a positive signal to other members of the tribe, it is still a negative one to the average reader. My advice would be that authors leave the fact of their "indie-ness" off all marketing aimed at readers and let the book win on its own merit.
I know this is strange coming from a website with Indie in its name, but these days we push books on their own strengths and do not expect readers to buy anything for any other reason.
But frankly, I do not know what else an author can do to overcome the handicap of not having a huge publicity machine behind them.
JAMIE: Where do you see yourself in twenty years time?
DAVID: Did I mention the beach, the models and the cocktails? (I hope my wife never reads this - or the closest I'd get to a beach is when my corpse washes ashore!)
ELAINE: How do I get my books on your website?
We offer two services, and they're both completely free. We interview authors about their books, and we also help them promote any of their books that are discounted or temporarily free. We do this on our website, using social media, and through a weekly newsletter that goes out to a few thousand readers. You can get your books on our site using this link:
http://www.indieauthorland.com/ourser...
With thanks to my fellow authors (David - please note, I did not say “indie”!):
Amanda Egan: http://mummymisfit.blogspot.com/
Elaine R Chissick: http://elainechissick.wix.com/chissic...
Steve Briggs: http://batsby.blogspot.co.uk/
Jamie Tucker Dougan: http://jamietuckerdougan.com/
Ephraim Gadsby: http://ephraimgadsby.wix.com/whatho
Alan Reynolds: http://www.alanreynoldsauthor.com/
Join me for more bookish banter at: https://www.facebook.com/anneullahwri...
February 10, 2014
Bookish Banter
Do you ever have a sudden realisation and wonder why you never thought of it before? That’s exactly what happened to me yesterday, so, I finally got around to launching my author page on Facebook. It had suddenly dawned on me that I probably shouldn’t keep banging on about my books on my personal page and, without being pretentious, it was time I started behaving like a proper writer and actually give people the choice to either come along with me and “like” my new page or sod off! Only joking, of course. Anyway, with the page only one day old, it has already achieved over fifty “likes” from some fabulous people so I am feeling fair chuffed with myself (as I sometimes say when I slip back into the old Yorkshire vernacular).
The aim of the page is to share friendly chat, promote fellow indies and, very importantly, connect with readers. I am really hoping that readers will engage with the page, interact with everyone and enjoy a bit of bookish banter.
From time to time I intend to include a “Spotlight On” feature and shine the spotlight on one of my author friends. I am going to keep things really simple (I don’t want this new page to become too much of a distraction from my writing), it will just be a matter of linking to their website or author Facebook page from mine and spreading the word about them. I really do think simple ideas work best.
If you fancy coming to join us you’ll be more than welcome. Here’s the link:
https://www.facebook.com/anneullahwri...
Hope to see you there.
The aim of the page is to share friendly chat, promote fellow indies and, very importantly, connect with readers. I am really hoping that readers will engage with the page, interact with everyone and enjoy a bit of bookish banter.
From time to time I intend to include a “Spotlight On” feature and shine the spotlight on one of my author friends. I am going to keep things really simple (I don’t want this new page to become too much of a distraction from my writing), it will just be a matter of linking to their website or author Facebook page from mine and spreading the word about them. I really do think simple ideas work best.
If you fancy coming to join us you’ll be more than welcome. Here’s the link:
https://www.facebook.com/anneullahwri...
Hope to see you there.
February 4, 2014
Let's Talk Toffs
As an indie author, nothing makes me happier than discovering that a reader has posted a new (positive, obviously!) review on one of my Amazon pages. It's such a huge thrill to see that someone has enjoyed reading my work and has taken the time and trouble to say so; it's always very much appreciated.
The next best thing to receiving a new, positive review is being asked to do an interview. I absolutely love it and consider it a massive compliment. And so does Louisa Toff. In fact I think she loves giving interviews even more than I do but then, to readers of the Trouble at Toff Towers books, that will come as absolutely no surprise whatsoever; in fact, I’d go as far as saying it will be “expected”.
Here is a selection of my (ahem…our) favourites:
Funky Friday with Amanda Egan
http://mummymisfit.blogspot.com/2014/...
Indie Author Land interview re Trouble at Toff Towers
http://www.indieauthorland.com/archiv...
Indie Author Land interview re Trouble at Toff Towers II: Another Heap
http://www.indieauthorland.com/archiv...
Interview with Harry Balls
http://harryballs.com/2013/07/15/inte...
Fiction from Reality for Jamie T Dougan
http://jamietuckerdougan.com/2014/02/...
The next best thing to receiving a new, positive review is being asked to do an interview. I absolutely love it and consider it a massive compliment. And so does Louisa Toff. In fact I think she loves giving interviews even more than I do but then, to readers of the Trouble at Toff Towers books, that will come as absolutely no surprise whatsoever; in fact, I’d go as far as saying it will be “expected”.
Here is a selection of my (ahem…our) favourites:
Funky Friday with Amanda Egan
http://mummymisfit.blogspot.com/2014/...
Indie Author Land interview re Trouble at Toff Towers
http://www.indieauthorland.com/archiv...
Indie Author Land interview re Trouble at Toff Towers II: Another Heap
http://www.indieauthorland.com/archiv...
Interview with Harry Balls
http://harryballs.com/2013/07/15/inte...
Fiction from Reality for Jamie T Dougan
http://jamietuckerdougan.com/2014/02/...
January 21, 2014
"Untightled"
Before I begin, please allow me to make one thing clear. I absolutely do not need to wear “control” tights. Really. I bought this particular pair of tights for one reason and one reason only: they were shiny. That’s right. They were the only shiny pair of tights in the shop. So, are we clear on that? Good.
It’s rare that I even wear tights; the winters are so short here in Cyprus and, when visiting the UK at this time of year, I tend to pack trousers, jeans and boots rather than the sort of outfits that require the donning of tights. However, last Saturday was LBD-Day (well, night actually) and appropriate hosiery was called for; we were off to a posh “do” in a four star hotel in Paphos. So, on went the lovely, shiny, new tights.
All started well enough. Some friends called at our house for “pre-do” drinks and, as I was standing there, chatting away, I started to feel the waistband of the tights slowly but surely inching downwards. This was nothing I couldn’t handle. I simply used a little stealth and surreptitiously adjusted them. No problem.
When we arrived at the hotel we were ushered into the cocktail lounge where the customary pre-dinner mingling was to take place. I found myself in conversation with a very nice lady so didn’t end up mingling that much; I was having quite a pleasant time talking to her and, as we were tucked away in a corner, I could keep my clothing under control without drawing attention to myself. That’s right; the tights were on the move again and suddenly seemed more determined than ever to head south. In fact, the whole situation was beginning to turn into a bit of a battle; but I was not going to surrender to hostile hosiery. In any case, I wasn’t too worried; soon I’d be sitting down at the dining table where I could deal with my dilemma more discreetly.
Just for good measure, before heading in to dine, I made a quick detour into the Ladies for a serious hosiery hike. I gave the tights an almighty tug upwards, confidently made my entrance into the dining room, seated myself at the table and prepared to fill my face with four courses.
The starter was amazing: avocado and mozzarella drizzled with something delicious and presented with a small breadstick balanced elegantly alongside. The tights? Static (at this stage).
Soup came next. To be honest it was slightly too salty for my taste so I decided to leave it, thereby making extra space for the next two courses.
The main course was fish which was fantastic but filling so I wasn’t sorry I’d skipped the soup especially as the dessert was to die for! It came in a cocktail glass, half full (I’m an optimist, obviously) of creamy chocolate mousse topped with two profiteroles. These were no ordinary profiteroles. Oh no. These were profiteroles coated with sugary toffee; not unlike the coating on a toffee apple actually, and the whole thing was served with an artistic sugary toffee garnish. I scoffed the lot.
Coffee was on offer; however, by this stage I was feeling stuffed but smug; sitting slightly slumped in my seat with the ghastly garment gripping my girth rather more firmly than before, which was understandable considering what I had just consumed and also quite comforting; I had won the war. I had taken control of the tights rather than the tights taking control of me. But I hadn’t bargained for what happened next…
…I sat up and leaned forward to pick up my wine glass in order to silently toast my victory. It was as this point that both the tights and I lost control and my tummy took over. Whereas before the tights had been Ninja-like, slowly creeping down by degrees, this was decidedly different. I felt my lower stomach expand and, entirely of its own accord and without any instructions whatsoever from my brain, literally roll the waistband of the tights firmly downwards!
Things couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong. It was disco time! Now, I haven’t had a disaster on a dance floor since I lost control of a boob tube some time during the nineteen eighties (why do so many items of my clothing seem to head in the same direction?) and it had taken me a long time to get over the trauma. I wanted to trip the light fantastic not grapple with elastic and there are only so many adjustments to one’s clothing that can be disguised as innovative dance moves. There was only one thing for it; I headed back to the Ladies, removed the offending articles and banished them to the bin.
The war was finally over but there was no real winner. I had tried and failed in the fight against my tights and the tights too had lost their struggle and surrendered. In the end my tummy was triumphant but I must admit to being rather put off pantyhose. In fact, I think I might even go so far as saying I am now, most definitely, anti-hose!
It’s rare that I even wear tights; the winters are so short here in Cyprus and, when visiting the UK at this time of year, I tend to pack trousers, jeans and boots rather than the sort of outfits that require the donning of tights. However, last Saturday was LBD-Day (well, night actually) and appropriate hosiery was called for; we were off to a posh “do” in a four star hotel in Paphos. So, on went the lovely, shiny, new tights.
All started well enough. Some friends called at our house for “pre-do” drinks and, as I was standing there, chatting away, I started to feel the waistband of the tights slowly but surely inching downwards. This was nothing I couldn’t handle. I simply used a little stealth and surreptitiously adjusted them. No problem.
When we arrived at the hotel we were ushered into the cocktail lounge where the customary pre-dinner mingling was to take place. I found myself in conversation with a very nice lady so didn’t end up mingling that much; I was having quite a pleasant time talking to her and, as we were tucked away in a corner, I could keep my clothing under control without drawing attention to myself. That’s right; the tights were on the move again and suddenly seemed more determined than ever to head south. In fact, the whole situation was beginning to turn into a bit of a battle; but I was not going to surrender to hostile hosiery. In any case, I wasn’t too worried; soon I’d be sitting down at the dining table where I could deal with my dilemma more discreetly.
Just for good measure, before heading in to dine, I made a quick detour into the Ladies for a serious hosiery hike. I gave the tights an almighty tug upwards, confidently made my entrance into the dining room, seated myself at the table and prepared to fill my face with four courses.
The starter was amazing: avocado and mozzarella drizzled with something delicious and presented with a small breadstick balanced elegantly alongside. The tights? Static (at this stage).
Soup came next. To be honest it was slightly too salty for my taste so I decided to leave it, thereby making extra space for the next two courses.
The main course was fish which was fantastic but filling so I wasn’t sorry I’d skipped the soup especially as the dessert was to die for! It came in a cocktail glass, half full (I’m an optimist, obviously) of creamy chocolate mousse topped with two profiteroles. These were no ordinary profiteroles. Oh no. These were profiteroles coated with sugary toffee; not unlike the coating on a toffee apple actually, and the whole thing was served with an artistic sugary toffee garnish. I scoffed the lot.
Coffee was on offer; however, by this stage I was feeling stuffed but smug; sitting slightly slumped in my seat with the ghastly garment gripping my girth rather more firmly than before, which was understandable considering what I had just consumed and also quite comforting; I had won the war. I had taken control of the tights rather than the tights taking control of me. But I hadn’t bargained for what happened next…
…I sat up and leaned forward to pick up my wine glass in order to silently toast my victory. It was as this point that both the tights and I lost control and my tummy took over. Whereas before the tights had been Ninja-like, slowly creeping down by degrees, this was decidedly different. I felt my lower stomach expand and, entirely of its own accord and without any instructions whatsoever from my brain, literally roll the waistband of the tights firmly downwards!
Things couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong. It was disco time! Now, I haven’t had a disaster on a dance floor since I lost control of a boob tube some time during the nineteen eighties (why do so many items of my clothing seem to head in the same direction?) and it had taken me a long time to get over the trauma. I wanted to trip the light fantastic not grapple with elastic and there are only so many adjustments to one’s clothing that can be disguised as innovative dance moves. There was only one thing for it; I headed back to the Ladies, removed the offending articles and banished them to the bin.
The war was finally over but there was no real winner. I had tried and failed in the fight against my tights and the tights too had lost their struggle and surrendered. In the end my tummy was triumphant but I must admit to being rather put off pantyhose. In fact, I think I might even go so far as saying I am now, most definitely, anti-hose!
October 15, 2013
Ding Dong - Dinner Is Served
Have you ever tried to get out of something by making an excuse and ended up feeling a complete twit? I know I have…
…some years ago I was pottering about in my flat one evening when there was a ring on my doorbell. On answering it I found on my doorstep a young man who was desperate to persuade me to switch my gas supplier. Having had a particularly tough day at work I wasn’t too keen on letting him in and pursuing the conversation so I quickly pulled any old excuse out of thin air. I adopted an air of grandeur, put on my haughtiest voice and said that I was awfully sorry but I was in the middle of “having dinner” and, even though I say it myself, I managed to infuse those two words with all the superiority and importance of Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham from Downton Abbey. Oh yes, anyone hearing that I was “having dinner” would have been in no doubt whatsoever that I was sitting down to a feast of many delicious courses, all cooked to the highest culinary standard and, in all probability, surrounded by a dozen other discerning diners.
However, the young man was persistent and had all the necessary skills to make a successful sales pitch i.e. he was fit, fantastically good looking with a drop dead gorgeous smile and dressed immaculately. He managed to hold my attention so well that eventually I completely forgot all about the excuse I had made and let him in.
On entering, his eyes, quite naturally, under the circumstances, scanned the room for evidence of the “dinner” I’d said I had been “having”. He glanced at the dining table; devoid of dinner or diners (discerning or otherwise) and eventually turned his gaze to the coffee table in front of the settee where it finally settled on…a mug of cuppa soup!
True story.
…some years ago I was pottering about in my flat one evening when there was a ring on my doorbell. On answering it I found on my doorstep a young man who was desperate to persuade me to switch my gas supplier. Having had a particularly tough day at work I wasn’t too keen on letting him in and pursuing the conversation so I quickly pulled any old excuse out of thin air. I adopted an air of grandeur, put on my haughtiest voice and said that I was awfully sorry but I was in the middle of “having dinner” and, even though I say it myself, I managed to infuse those two words with all the superiority and importance of Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham from Downton Abbey. Oh yes, anyone hearing that I was “having dinner” would have been in no doubt whatsoever that I was sitting down to a feast of many delicious courses, all cooked to the highest culinary standard and, in all probability, surrounded by a dozen other discerning diners.
However, the young man was persistent and had all the necessary skills to make a successful sales pitch i.e. he was fit, fantastically good looking with a drop dead gorgeous smile and dressed immaculately. He managed to hold my attention so well that eventually I completely forgot all about the excuse I had made and let him in.
On entering, his eyes, quite naturally, under the circumstances, scanned the room for evidence of the “dinner” I’d said I had been “having”. He glanced at the dining table; devoid of dinner or diners (discerning or otherwise) and eventually turned his gaze to the coffee table in front of the settee where it finally settled on…a mug of cuppa soup!
True story.
October 11, 2013
Mad About Bridget?
I have recently read an article which insists that many women say that they “literally are/were” Bridget Jones. I am not one of these women. However, I used to have an awful lot in common with her; right down to the red pyjamas she wore at the beginning of the first movie when she sang (well, mimed) along to “All By Myself” with such raw emotion; guzzling glass after glass of wine and giving it all she’d got. It was clear she was a girl with a huge heart and nobody to give it to.
There was a time when most days I would finish work, get back to my flat, pop a frozen fish pie (for one) into the oven, start running my bath and open a bottle of wine. Just like Bridget my main relationship at that time was in fact with said bottle and I have to confess to still having the occasional affair with it. Other similarities? Well, I am a constant calorie counter and I do love a list.
Still, I’m not and never have “literally been” Bridget Jones but you may have already worked out that I am a huge fan, having created the character Rigid Bones who started life in a daily column entitled Rigid Bones’s Diary (geddit? Of course you do).
So, obviously I’d been looking forward to reading Bridget Jones – Mad About The Boy for some time. And then then it happened; the news of Mark Darcy’s demise came out. I know a lot of people felt very angry but at first all I felt was a little surprised and perhaps a tad disappointed. However, after giving it some thought I realised that Bridget has to be single. That’s who she is; to me, the reader, I mean. And, given that so much time has passed since we last looked at Bridget, she had to be written into a suitable single situation for her age and the author has chosen to make her a widow.
There are several alternative single situations Bridget could have found herself in at this stage of her life; for example she could have been a childless divorcee or a single mum, handing over the children to her estranged husband at weekends. That way the door would still have been open for the happy ending that I assumed was on the cards for her.
Perhaps there will be a happy ending, obviously not the one I envisaged where Mark and Bridget live happily ever after; but happy all the same. I do hope so. It breaks my heart when I think of that lonely girl in the red pyjamas, miming along to “All By Myself”, eventually giving her heart to someone who deserved it only to lose him. No, I’m not mad about Bridget; I’m just a little sad.
There was a time when most days I would finish work, get back to my flat, pop a frozen fish pie (for one) into the oven, start running my bath and open a bottle of wine. Just like Bridget my main relationship at that time was in fact with said bottle and I have to confess to still having the occasional affair with it. Other similarities? Well, I am a constant calorie counter and I do love a list.
Still, I’m not and never have “literally been” Bridget Jones but you may have already worked out that I am a huge fan, having created the character Rigid Bones who started life in a daily column entitled Rigid Bones’s Diary (geddit? Of course you do).
So, obviously I’d been looking forward to reading Bridget Jones – Mad About The Boy for some time. And then then it happened; the news of Mark Darcy’s demise came out. I know a lot of people felt very angry but at first all I felt was a little surprised and perhaps a tad disappointed. However, after giving it some thought I realised that Bridget has to be single. That’s who she is; to me, the reader, I mean. And, given that so much time has passed since we last looked at Bridget, she had to be written into a suitable single situation for her age and the author has chosen to make her a widow.
There are several alternative single situations Bridget could have found herself in at this stage of her life; for example she could have been a childless divorcee or a single mum, handing over the children to her estranged husband at weekends. That way the door would still have been open for the happy ending that I assumed was on the cards for her.
Perhaps there will be a happy ending, obviously not the one I envisaged where Mark and Bridget live happily ever after; but happy all the same. I do hope so. It breaks my heart when I think of that lonely girl in the red pyjamas, miming along to “All By Myself”, eventually giving her heart to someone who deserved it only to lose him. No, I’m not mad about Bridget; I’m just a little sad.
September 22, 2013
Happy To Help
Yesterday I was asked by a representative of a local business if I would kindly donate a copy of Trouble At Toff Towers as a raffle prize; there is going to be a fundraising event in aid of the charity, Solidarity, in Kouklia village square on Saturday night (28th September). Local businesses and residents are pulling together to help people in crisis. Here’s the link to the charity website:
http://www.solidaritypaphos.com/
I’m sure you will agree it’s a very worthy cause but unfortunately there is no physical copy of Trouble At Toff Towers for me to donate so I started thinking about what I might do to help these wonderful, warm hearted and welcoming people who make my life here in Cyprus so happy.
I’m going to donate some wine to be raffled and I’m also going to include some dried foodstuffs and baby formula/nappies etc. in my weekly shop and hand them in to be distributed; because of the ongoing financial crisis people are in need of these very basics items.
I’m sure my help will be greatly appreciated but it’s not much in the grand scheme of things. So, I have also decided to donate a month’s royalties from Trouble At Toff Towers to the cause. And that’s where you come in. I know that some of you have already downloaded a copy of the book but if you have been thinking about it and haven’t yet managed to get around to it there has never been a better time. If you have already downloaded a copy or don’t have an electronic reading device you can still help by simply sharing or retweeting the link to this post in order to spread the word. If you’ve read it and you liked it tell a friend!
I’m an indie author so obviously my book isn’t selling millions but it has achieved seventeen five star reviews so far and it only costs £1.02 so it won’t break the bank. Here’s the blurb:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-At-To...
My small donation of a raffle prize and a few basic provisions will be a small drop in the ocean but, together, we could make much more of a difference. Thank you.
http://www.solidaritypaphos.com/
I’m sure you will agree it’s a very worthy cause but unfortunately there is no physical copy of Trouble At Toff Towers for me to donate so I started thinking about what I might do to help these wonderful, warm hearted and welcoming people who make my life here in Cyprus so happy.
I’m going to donate some wine to be raffled and I’m also going to include some dried foodstuffs and baby formula/nappies etc. in my weekly shop and hand them in to be distributed; because of the ongoing financial crisis people are in need of these very basics items.
I’m sure my help will be greatly appreciated but it’s not much in the grand scheme of things. So, I have also decided to donate a month’s royalties from Trouble At Toff Towers to the cause. And that’s where you come in. I know that some of you have already downloaded a copy of the book but if you have been thinking about it and haven’t yet managed to get around to it there has never been a better time. If you have already downloaded a copy or don’t have an electronic reading device you can still help by simply sharing or retweeting the link to this post in order to spread the word. If you’ve read it and you liked it tell a friend!
I’m an indie author so obviously my book isn’t selling millions but it has achieved seventeen five star reviews so far and it only costs £1.02 so it won’t break the bank. Here’s the blurb:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-At-To...
My small donation of a raffle prize and a few basic provisions will be a small drop in the ocean but, together, we could make much more of a difference. Thank you.
September 1, 2013
"Adult" Literacy
Some years ago I did a City & Guilds course in teaching adult literacy; that is I trained to teach adults, who had somehow “slipped through the net” at school, how to read and write. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience once I had overcome my initial shyness. You know how it can be when you are on a course of some kind and have to address the rest of the group? Well, I am always afraid I will get tongue tied and make a fool of myself. And the more I worry about it the worse it affects me. This was one of those very occasions…
…the lecturer passed around various newspapers and our task was to identify articles from said newspapers which, in our opinion, wouldn’t be suitable for use in teaching an adult to read. We were to specifically consider racism and sexism. Once we had identified a selection of articles we would be sharing our findings with the rest of the class. Oh dear.
I pored over the newspapers and found a few pieces that I thought would probably be unsuitable on the grounds of racism and then started looking for items which could be deemed sexist; all the time getting more and more nervous about having to explain my reasoning to everyone else. The more nervous I got the worse my concentration became. I couldn’t find anything I thought might be unsuitable and before I knew it the lecturer called, “Time’s up”!
Oh no. Not only was I terrified of speaking I hadn’t even found enough stuff to actually speak about. I sat there getting more and more nervous; trying desperately to calm myself by rehearsing what I was going to say. It seemed like an age had passed before my turn eventually came around. I am not proud to say that this was my carefully rehearsed address:
“I found lots of pieces I wouldn’t use because of racisim...but when it comes to sex I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do”!
True story.
…the lecturer passed around various newspapers and our task was to identify articles from said newspapers which, in our opinion, wouldn’t be suitable for use in teaching an adult to read. We were to specifically consider racism and sexism. Once we had identified a selection of articles we would be sharing our findings with the rest of the class. Oh dear.
I pored over the newspapers and found a few pieces that I thought would probably be unsuitable on the grounds of racism and then started looking for items which could be deemed sexist; all the time getting more and more nervous about having to explain my reasoning to everyone else. The more nervous I got the worse my concentration became. I couldn’t find anything I thought might be unsuitable and before I knew it the lecturer called, “Time’s up”!
Oh no. Not only was I terrified of speaking I hadn’t even found enough stuff to actually speak about. I sat there getting more and more nervous; trying desperately to calm myself by rehearsing what I was going to say. It seemed like an age had passed before my turn eventually came around. I am not proud to say that this was my carefully rehearsed address:
“I found lots of pieces I wouldn’t use because of racisim...but when it comes to sex I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do”!
True story.
August 27, 2013
Frankie And Bonnie
When my partner and I lived in Scotland our very good friends who lived next door owned a cat, Spiral. She often used to come into our house in order to have a fight with her own reflection in our mirror wardrobes and I actively encouraged this by feeding her Philadelphia cheese spread which she loved.
One day our friends announced that Spiral was expecting kittens. I didn’t consider for one moment offering to take one off their hands. In fact, when Spiral, close to giving birth by this time, wandered into our house one day and made herself comfortable under our bed I panicked a little. I dashed next door to find only my friend’s teenage son at home. I explained that their cat was under our bed, we were afraid she was about to give birth and we weren’t sure what to do. He casually told me to just to put some old blankets under the bed and leave her to it. I reported back to my partner, Mike. He decided to handle things a little differently and headed next door where he met the teenage son coming over to our house carrying a pile of old blankets (he’d phoned his mum and taken her instructions). Mike was having none of it and told the young man in no uncertain terms to “get your effing cat out of our house”! Luckily Spiral decided to leave of her own accord and didn’t give birth for about another week.
The kittens were born in my friend’s wardrobe. There were four of them, three of which were pretty enough to be featured on the front of birthday cards and one of which looked like she had been cobbled together from spare parts of random cat. She had been nicknamed Frankie (short for Frankenstein). Two of the kittens (Trogdor, who was all black and another whose name I can’t remember) were very quickly found homes for. The lady who ran the village post office had been round to sex them all so I guess she must have spread the word (we lived in a small village and the post office did so much more than sell stamps)! That just left Frankie and one other; again, I can’t remember this one’s name, what I can remember is that everyone agreed she had a very strange personality.
We moved house very shortly after the kittens were born and of course my friend from the village used to come over and see me regularly. It was during one of these visits that she (with the help of a bottle or two of Rioja) persuaded me to have one of the remaining kittens. I chose Frankie. That just left one kitten - the odd one. Nobody could actually put their finger on exactly what was wrong with her but something definitely seemed to be.
Anyway, Frankie was delivered to us and I decided that under no circumstances should she keep her awful name. Of course Frankie in itself is fine but it was the association with Frankenstein that I didn’t like. I decided she should either be called something associated with beauty or something Scottish. I was thinking about Belle but Mike wasn’t too keen. In the end he came up with Bonnie which we both agreed was absolutely perfect. She has grown into her looks and is now a beautiful cat with a big personality (bit of a spoilt diva actually, but we love her). Now that we had changed Frankie’s name to Bonnie my friend decided to call the kitten she had kept Frankie – she really liked the name (my friend that is, the cat couldn’t have cared less, obviously).
Eventually Frankie was taken to the vet in order to get “done”. It was when my friend referred to the cat as “she” and the vet laughed that all became clear. “She” was actually a “he”. Suddenly the personality made perfect sense and, luckily, the name still worked.
One day our friends announced that Spiral was expecting kittens. I didn’t consider for one moment offering to take one off their hands. In fact, when Spiral, close to giving birth by this time, wandered into our house one day and made herself comfortable under our bed I panicked a little. I dashed next door to find only my friend’s teenage son at home. I explained that their cat was under our bed, we were afraid she was about to give birth and we weren’t sure what to do. He casually told me to just to put some old blankets under the bed and leave her to it. I reported back to my partner, Mike. He decided to handle things a little differently and headed next door where he met the teenage son coming over to our house carrying a pile of old blankets (he’d phoned his mum and taken her instructions). Mike was having none of it and told the young man in no uncertain terms to “get your effing cat out of our house”! Luckily Spiral decided to leave of her own accord and didn’t give birth for about another week.
The kittens were born in my friend’s wardrobe. There were four of them, three of which were pretty enough to be featured on the front of birthday cards and one of which looked like she had been cobbled together from spare parts of random cat. She had been nicknamed Frankie (short for Frankenstein). Two of the kittens (Trogdor, who was all black and another whose name I can’t remember) were very quickly found homes for. The lady who ran the village post office had been round to sex them all so I guess she must have spread the word (we lived in a small village and the post office did so much more than sell stamps)! That just left Frankie and one other; again, I can’t remember this one’s name, what I can remember is that everyone agreed she had a very strange personality.
We moved house very shortly after the kittens were born and of course my friend from the village used to come over and see me regularly. It was during one of these visits that she (with the help of a bottle or two of Rioja) persuaded me to have one of the remaining kittens. I chose Frankie. That just left one kitten - the odd one. Nobody could actually put their finger on exactly what was wrong with her but something definitely seemed to be.
Anyway, Frankie was delivered to us and I decided that under no circumstances should she keep her awful name. Of course Frankie in itself is fine but it was the association with Frankenstein that I didn’t like. I decided she should either be called something associated with beauty or something Scottish. I was thinking about Belle but Mike wasn’t too keen. In the end he came up with Bonnie which we both agreed was absolutely perfect. She has grown into her looks and is now a beautiful cat with a big personality (bit of a spoilt diva actually, but we love her). Now that we had changed Frankie’s name to Bonnie my friend decided to call the kitten she had kept Frankie – she really liked the name (my friend that is, the cat couldn’t have cared less, obviously).
Eventually Frankie was taken to the vet in order to get “done”. It was when my friend referred to the cat as “she” and the vet laughed that all became clear. “She” was actually a “he”. Suddenly the personality made perfect sense and, luckily, the name still worked.
August 22, 2013
Time To Come Clean - I'm A Heroine Addict
Yes, you read it right. I am totally hooked and have been for quite some time. I think it must have started when I was around thirteen. Probably as an escape from the mining village where I was growing up. I needed something to lift me out of the gloom; and I found it…in Gone With The Wind.
Yes Scarlett O’Hara was the first heroine to really make an impression on me. Beautiful, practical, determined and wily Scarlett. I couldn’t help but admire her. I even forgave her for being so stupidly misguided regarding Ashley Wilkes and completely in denial about her feelings for Rhett Butler. She was only human after all.
The next heroine to really grab my attention was Bridget Jones. I loved her before the end of day one of her famous diary. Natural, naïve, nice and normal Bridget. I definitely identified with her single situation and social struggles.
Yes, these two unforgettable heroines will always hold a special place in my heart. However, to coin one of Bridget’s very own phrases, they’re not my favourite pair.
My absolute and utter all-time favourite heroine just has to be E F Benson’s Lucia: the undisputed queen of them all. Lucia could out-manipulate Scarlett O’Hara any day of the week, she’s the centre of the social scene; much to her arch rival, Miss Mapp’s dismay and, what’s more, no mere mortal male will ever get the better of her. Of course she’s not all she seems to be but that’s part of her charm; it’s the very thing that makes her vulnerable and therefore lovable. She always leaves me wanting more. Just like a heroine should.
Yes Scarlett O’Hara was the first heroine to really make an impression on me. Beautiful, practical, determined and wily Scarlett. I couldn’t help but admire her. I even forgave her for being so stupidly misguided regarding Ashley Wilkes and completely in denial about her feelings for Rhett Butler. She was only human after all.
The next heroine to really grab my attention was Bridget Jones. I loved her before the end of day one of her famous diary. Natural, naïve, nice and normal Bridget. I definitely identified with her single situation and social struggles.
Yes, these two unforgettable heroines will always hold a special place in my heart. However, to coin one of Bridget’s very own phrases, they’re not my favourite pair.
My absolute and utter all-time favourite heroine just has to be E F Benson’s Lucia: the undisputed queen of them all. Lucia could out-manipulate Scarlett O’Hara any day of the week, she’s the centre of the social scene; much to her arch rival, Miss Mapp’s dismay and, what’s more, no mere mortal male will ever get the better of her. Of course she’s not all she seems to be but that’s part of her charm; it’s the very thing that makes her vulnerable and therefore lovable. She always leaves me wanting more. Just like a heroine should.
