Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 191

“I’m a colon therapist. I flush out your blockages so you can...

“I’m a colon therapist. I flush out your blockages so you can be your authentic self. I’m the Queen of Poo. A lot of people are intimidated by the process so I try to deflect the awkwardness with humor. I’m a one girl comedy show. But I don’t have a planned set or anything. It’s all organic. Stuff just comes out.”

“I’m writing a book about Basil The Bat Lord, who is a human...

“I’m writing a book about Basil The Bat Lord, who is a human that enters into a tryout for becoming a king. And he’s either going to be the king of the Bat Kingdom, the Spider Kingdom, or the Snake Kingdom. And there’s one more kingdom too, I forget. Oh yeah, The Moth Kingdom. But then Wilda the Witch gets the Spider Kingdom to start attacking all the other kingdoms. And Basil gets the Moth Kingdom to help defeat Wilda. But I’m not going to tell you how Wilda is defeated because then people won’t be as excited about my book.”

“Just catching some rays.”

“Just catching some rays.”

“We’re associate financial representatives—assistants,...

“We’re associate financial representatives—assistants, basically. We planned this vacation in the break room for weeks. We mapped out everything. It’s been a very efficient trip. We went to thirty-five destinations. Everything was planned hour by hour. We mapped out our routes, calculated travel times, chose what snacks we would eat, and even included the time we would need to get ready in the morning. Today got a little messed up because we slept in, but we’re back on track. We have another thirty minutes at the ice rink, then we’re getting a shiitake mushroom burger at Umami, then we’ll get some gelato, and we’re ending the night with a walk down 5th Avenue.”

“I’ve got a bit of a jewelry addiction. I probably have over...

“I’ve got a bit of a jewelry addiction. I probably have over sixty bracelets. I go into a sort of trance when I see a piece of jewelry, and I feel like it’s going to give me a power or beauty that’s not obtainable without it. I saw this gun and thought it would make me feel more ‘hip hop.’ I started having second thoughts once I got in line at the cash register, but there was already so much momentum at that point. Now I’m not so sure about it. I’ve got to stop spending money.”

“I grew up in a blue collar family. My dad was a printer—a...

“I grew up in a blue collar family. My dad was a printer—a union guy. So he didn’t have the financial resources to pay for my college or law school. I had to make my own way. I flipped burgers during the week for frat guys at the Student Union. I covered my tuition by spending my summers in the Marine reserves. I’m trying to make sure my kids don’t have to do all that stuff. I want them to be able to backpack through Europe, or volunteer in Central America. Meaningful stuff. If my son wants to be a poet or an Indian chief, that’s fine with me. I work 60 or 70 hours a week to make sure they can do whatever they want. I miss a lot of stuff, though. I have to hear about the soccer games second hand. That’s why the snowstorm this weekend was so great. No school commitments. No work commitments. We didn’t do much at all. Just sat around and read the newspaper or watched TV. There was just a lot of—talk.”

“I do pro wrestling on the side. It’s my weekend high. My...

“I do pro wrestling on the side. It’s my weekend high. My wrestling name is Dirtbag Dan. I’m not very big so I’m one of the dirtiest fighters. My job is to make people hate me. I do all kinds of cheap moves: eye gouging, face-raking, stuff like that. I even gave a guy a wet willy once. I’ll go into the crowd and rip people’s signs up. I’ll tell a college kid that he should have been swallowed. Or if it’s family night, I’ll tell a little girl there’s no Santa Clause. Somebody’s got to be the bad guy. Because if there aren’t bad guys, there are no good guys. There can be no Chris Steeler without Dirtbag Dan.”

“I’ve tried to relax my goals as I’ve gotten older so they...

“I’ve tried to relax my goals as I’ve gotten older so they don’t get in the way of enjoying the people I’m with right now.”

“The other team’s snow fort is higher than ours, so we’re...

“The other team’s snow fort is higher than ours, so we’re trying to build some walls. It’s going to be a tough battle, because all they have to do is stand up and they can throw snowballs right into our fort. But I think we have the most friendship so that will be an advantage. We’ve known each other since we were three and we’re on the same soccer team. So if one person gets hit in the face with a snowball, everyone else will help to recover them.”

“We’re kinda trying to make an igloo but we’re not sure how to...

“We’re kinda trying to make an igloo but we’re not sure how to make the roof.”