Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 171

“There’s a strange culture in medicine. People are less...

“There’s a strange culture in medicine. People are less friendly to each other than I imagined. I got an MD and a PhD in Neuroscience. I’m finishing my residency right now. I guess I thought that everyone would be compassionate, and would help each other, and would be nice to each other. And don’t get me wrong—I work with a lot of compassionate people. But the stress just erodes people. There’s a lot of tension and anger. We’re taught that 80 hours per week is normal and shouldn’t be questioned. But at the same time, a huge amount of work that medical interns do is administrative. It could be outsourced without affecting the quality of education or care. And the culture does real harm. I’ve had two friends commit suicide. One of them was studying anesthesiology at Yale and overdosed in a parking lot. The other jumped off the dorm building at NYU. There’s got to be a better way. I don’t know, maybe I’m just saying this because I’m stressed. I’m heading to the ER now. I’m almost at the end of my residency. I can see the end of the tunnel. But the tunnel is very damaging.”

“It’s hard to raise a kid anywhere, but especially in the city. ...

“It’s hard to raise a kid anywhere, but especially in the city. There’s just so much coming at you all the time. Look at this—we have one little dirt patch to play ball. And I have to be a navy seal just to get him to Randall’s Island on the weekend for his baseball games. It’s a lot of stress. He was born right before my job started going downhill. I’d just lost everything in my first divorce. I wasn’t hitting my numbers at work and nobody wanted to hear any excuses. I was getting pissed off at everybody. It got so bad one day that I grabbed his arm really hard. It was like a giant wave of stress just broke on top of me. It was summer and he wasn’t listening and he was acting crazy and I was trying to put together a sales pitch and it was the end of the month and bills were due and I just lost it. It was a wake up call. I had to learn to compartmentalize the stress. I’m better now. I’m a lot more present. I just wish I’d been this way with his older brother.”

“Both my husband and I work in retail. I’ve worked for...

“Both my husband and I work in retail. I’ve worked for eighteen years at the Macy’s on 34th street. I wake up at 5:30 every morning, make the kids breakfast, and get them to school by 7:30. Then I go to work for six hours, then take my son to therapy, and pick up my daughter from dance practice. We catch the nineteen bus to the two train, and ride it to the last stop. We’re normally home by seven so I have time to eat dinner before going to sleep at nine. I’m busting my hump for these kids. My parents were from the Dominican Republic. My dad only finished the third grade. He’d always tell me to finish school, but it never really went beyond words. He never helped me with my homework. He was always working and he just didn’t know any better. So I’m making sure that I’m involved with everything. I go to the open houses, the meetings, and all the school functions. I’m busting my hump so they won’t have to.”

“I was raped by my cousin when I was seven. He was a teenager. ...

“I was raped by my cousin when I was seven. He was a teenager. We were sleeping in the same bed when it happened. I could have run away but I didn’t. Why didn’t I stop it? Does that mean I kind of liked it? Is that why I didn’t tell anyone? It got even more confusing when I grew up and realized I was gay.”

“I was in a fraternity when I was in college. We’d always try...

“I was in a fraternity when I was in college. We’d always try to be funny and shoot each other down. And I never really stopped being that way. I’ve been sarcastic my whole life. I always had something witty to say. I didn’t care whose feelings got hurt as long as I got a good laugh. I didn’t care much about maintaining relationships. It was ‘take it or leave it.’ But I got lung cancer recently, and nobody came to visit me when I was in the hospital. That really got me thinking. I don’t take my relationships for granted anymore. I’m much more careful with my words now. I don’t want to upset anybody. I listen a lot more. I try to appreciate everyone who takes the time to speak to me.”

“When you’re four you can do awesome tricks. You can do a...

“When you’re four you can do awesome tricks. You can do a tumble and a cartwheel. Actually I can’t do a cartwheel, but my sister can do that. She’s five years old and likes to play with me but I haven’t met her and I don’t know her name because she’s imaginary. She likes to fly. Her job is so save the day every time the bad guys try to steal the word. She is friends with Water Girl, and Fire Girl, and Wind Girl, and Shark Girl. Shark Girl has the power of sharks. She can save the world every single time. All she has to do is put out her hands and think really hard about sharks.”

“I’m trying to not always require obedience even though it might...

“I’m trying to not always require obedience even though it might be helpful in the moment. I was raised with obedience first and everything else second. We were supposed to always stand still. We weren’t to be seen or heard in the presence of adults. My mom was a single mother in a tough neighborhood, so in her mind, obedience meant safety. It’s what she felt she had to do. She only spoke to us in directions. And that caused me to grow up not really knowing what I wanted for myself. I’d even look to other people to tell me what I wanted. So I’m trying to raise her with a bit more independence. I want her to be creative and have freedom of movement. If that means running in circles, or jumping up and down while she’s eating her grapes, I’ll let her. Even if I’m tired.”

“The hardest was when she left for college. We dropped her off...

“The hardest was when she left for college. We dropped her off a couple days early, so the campus was empty, and I have this very clear image of her walking alone across the quad. I stared at my daughter’s back while she literally walked into the next phase of her life. So many questions were running through my mind: ‘Did we prepare her enough? Is she happy? Will she feel comfortable enough to tell us if she’s not?’ Looking back, I wish I hadn’t fretted so much over the small stuff. When she was young, we were worried so much about whether she started on the soccer team, or if she got chosen for the front row at the dance competition, or if she was playing flute at the recital. We worried so much about that stuff because we were looking for any sort of validation that we were doing a good job. And in our desperation to be good parents we became our children. I wish I knew how fast all that stuff would fade away. And how little any of that would matter once she became an adult.”

HONY Stories is 50% off at Amazon for the next 48 hours, which...

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“My mom gave me up when I was three days old, and I was raised...

“My mom gave me up when I was three days old, and I was raised by my paternal grandparents. They were immigrants. They could only teach me what they knew. And they thought that children should be seen and not heard. In their world, you’re not supposed to have feelings or opinions until you turn eighteen. So when I told them that my father was abusive, they didn’t want to hear it. I was expected to keep quiet. And apologies were expected to be forgiven. I left the house as soon as I turned sixteen. And I immediately entered an abusive relationship. I was looking for love and he seemed like love. He gave me what I never had. He made me feel needed. He loved when I cooked for him. He loved that I soothed him when he lost his temper. But after awhile, nothing could soothe him anymore.”