Stuart R. West's Blog, page 64
November 22, 2013
Sorry, I Got Nothin'
Well, hell, after eighty or so posts, in fewer than those weeks, for the first time ever, I have absolutely nothing to write about.
Zilch, nada, nunca, nyet, washout, shutout, zippo, duck egg. Nothingness. Nullity.
Apologies. It's not a good feeling. I feel impotent. I mean, I'm the guy people are usually telling to shut up. Do they, like, have a "Viagra" for mind limpness?
Of course I could go on and bore everyone, fill a post up with fluff, explaining the entire futile existentialist nature of having nothing on my mind.
But I respect my readers too much to do such a thing.
Zilch, nada, nunca, nyet, washout, shutout, zippo, duck egg. Nothingness. Nullity.
Apologies. It's not a good feeling. I feel impotent. I mean, I'm the guy people are usually telling to shut up. Do they, like, have a "Viagra" for mind limpness?
Of course I could go on and bore everyone, fill a post up with fluff, explaining the entire futile existentialist nature of having nothing on my mind.
But I respect my readers too much to do such a thing.
November 15, 2013
Movie Guilt: Aliens & Zombies
So, recently I watched two very different films.
My wife and I saw Ender's Game in the theatre. Was it a good movie? I dunno. It was entertaining enough, but it hit upon all military-based entertainment cliché's. Tough Sargent, intensely evil (for no good reason) competition, obligatory love interest (and we know how soldiers like to hook up in the face of battle), and an underdog, who despite all odds, rallies his team behind him into a cohesive fighting machine.
Sigh. Been there, seen that. Soldiers in space. The underrated (albeit, admittedly fascist) Starship Troopers did it better. Plus it offered exploding alien bug creatures. And Neil Patrick Harris as a nerdy bug-killing expert. Since we all know Harris is openly gay, I thought I'd already paid my liberal cinematic dues.
But sitting through Ender's Game, I couldn't help but feel guilty watching it. I mean, the author, whose book the film is based upon, Orson Scott Card, has made his viewpoints regarding gay marriage quite clear. It ain't pretty. Yet there we sat, a bag of popcorn perched between us, taking in the CGI spectacle.
My wife cited a news story she listened to that suggested we should donate to a gay cause if we paid to see the movie to balance out the inequality. Not a bad idea. But where to start? I offered up donating to the "Bugs In Space Need Love, Too" program, but was quickly shot down. Guess I missed the point.
But aliens (friendly ones, of course) should be allowed equal rights as well. I wouldn't oppose an alien and human marriage, as long as the alien signs a prenuptial contract not to eat his partner's face.
No one rallies for aliens (except for "E.T.," and he doesn't count, because we all KNOW he's just a hunk of cutesy, Spielbergian plastic).
No love for zombies, either, even though they're real. Duh. What with global warming, toxic waste dumping, and run-afoul, mad scientists, I'm surprised zombies aren't more of a political hot-topic now.
Which brings me to the other film I watched several nights ago: Zombie Strippers.
Oddly enough, I didn't experience an iota of guilt watching it.
My wife and I saw Ender's Game in the theatre. Was it a good movie? I dunno. It was entertaining enough, but it hit upon all military-based entertainment cliché's. Tough Sargent, intensely evil (for no good reason) competition, obligatory love interest (and we know how soldiers like to hook up in the face of battle), and an underdog, who despite all odds, rallies his team behind him into a cohesive fighting machine.
Sigh. Been there, seen that. Soldiers in space. The underrated (albeit, admittedly fascist) Starship Troopers did it better. Plus it offered exploding alien bug creatures. And Neil Patrick Harris as a nerdy bug-killing expert. Since we all know Harris is openly gay, I thought I'd already paid my liberal cinematic dues.
But sitting through Ender's Game, I couldn't help but feel guilty watching it. I mean, the author, whose book the film is based upon, Orson Scott Card, has made his viewpoints regarding gay marriage quite clear. It ain't pretty. Yet there we sat, a bag of popcorn perched between us, taking in the CGI spectacle.
My wife cited a news story she listened to that suggested we should donate to a gay cause if we paid to see the movie to balance out the inequality. Not a bad idea. But where to start? I offered up donating to the "Bugs In Space Need Love, Too" program, but was quickly shot down. Guess I missed the point.
But aliens (friendly ones, of course) should be allowed equal rights as well. I wouldn't oppose an alien and human marriage, as long as the alien signs a prenuptial contract not to eat his partner's face.
No one rallies for aliens (except for "E.T.," and he doesn't count, because we all KNOW he's just a hunk of cutesy, Spielbergian plastic).
No love for zombies, either, even though they're real. Duh. What with global warming, toxic waste dumping, and run-afoul, mad scientists, I'm surprised zombies aren't more of a political hot-topic now.
Which brings me to the other film I watched several nights ago: Zombie Strippers.
Oddly enough, I didn't experience an iota of guilt watching it.
November 10, 2013
Stuart Goes To Twerking School
So, I thought I enlisted in a class about social media, hoping to pick up a few tips. Twerking 101. Awesome. I need to learn self-promotion and all that stuff.
I walked into the building, excited. The frantic, thumping music shoulda' clued me in as I climbed (out-of-breath, natch) to the third floor. Laptop under my arm, clad in a Hawaiian shirt and jeans, I forged on. When I pushed open the door, I was met with a Boschian vision of Hell.
Clandex-covered bottoms thrust repeatedly toward the roof. Demonically possessed pelvises grinded, gyrated, found various bean-bags and "hoppity-hops" to take their aggression out on.
The instructor barked, "Twerk! Twerk like you mean it! Nice twerking, Sinsilla!"
I was horrified, appalled, embarrassed. I felt compelled to leave immediately. But not before I took a few photos on my camera. Look...
Okay. Sorry, that didn't really happen.
But, really, Twerking. It's kinda' sad this word's in the popular lexicon now. I mean, where did it come from? Did Miley Cyrus decide that if she "twists" her body, then "jerks" her bottom, she could toss the words in a blender, trend the crap outta' it?
These kids today (and yes, I'm channeling my most cranky grandfather mode, wearing my gray sweater and knee-high, black socks). They have no idea "twerking's" been around since the cavemen days. Used to be a mating ritual amongst primal man. They'd toss their posterior in the air, shake it, women would come running. Nothing new under the sun.
Just check out this hieroglyphic anthropologists found in a cave...even dinosaurs got into the act.
How far will the Twerkademic go? Will corporations have twerking-casual days on Friday? Will Twerkers get half-off appetizers at Applebees? How about greeting cards wishing you a "happy Twerky-Day?"
Please send me money to help stop the madness.
But let me take a few more photos first, just for, you know, research.
I walked into the building, excited. The frantic, thumping music shoulda' clued me in as I climbed (out-of-breath, natch) to the third floor. Laptop under my arm, clad in a Hawaiian shirt and jeans, I forged on. When I pushed open the door, I was met with a Boschian vision of Hell.
Clandex-covered bottoms thrust repeatedly toward the roof. Demonically possessed pelvises grinded, gyrated, found various bean-bags and "hoppity-hops" to take their aggression out on. The instructor barked, "Twerk! Twerk like you mean it! Nice twerking, Sinsilla!"
I was horrified, appalled, embarrassed. I felt compelled to leave immediately. But not before I took a few photos on my camera. Look...
Okay. Sorry, that didn't really happen.
But, really, Twerking. It's kinda' sad this word's in the popular lexicon now. I mean, where did it come from? Did Miley Cyrus decide that if she "twists" her body, then "jerks" her bottom, she could toss the words in a blender, trend the crap outta' it?
These kids today (and yes, I'm channeling my most cranky grandfather mode, wearing my gray sweater and knee-high, black socks). They have no idea "twerking's" been around since the cavemen days. Used to be a mating ritual amongst primal man. They'd toss their posterior in the air, shake it, women would come running. Nothing new under the sun.
Just check out this hieroglyphic anthropologists found in a cave...even dinosaurs got into the act.
How far will the Twerkademic go? Will corporations have twerking-casual days on Friday? Will Twerkers get half-off appetizers at Applebees? How about greeting cards wishing you a "happy Twerky-Day?"
Please send me money to help stop the madness.
But let me take a few more photos first, just for, you know, research.
November 3, 2013
Talking Unicorns With Suzanne de Montigny
Okay, first of all, unicorns exist. Deal with it. Second, my friend, Suzanne de Montigny (her name's harder to write than a good lima bean recipe) has written a stellar middle-grade/YA fantasy novel about unicorns. Read it. It's good. And Ms. de Montigny takes that extra step to make it very odd which I appreciate. If you're a fan of the great Japanese fantasist, Hayao Miyazaki, then this will appeal to you. It puts me in mind of Miyazaki's "Princess Mononoke." Both of these epic fantasies have green tales to tell in entertaining ways.
So, hey, enough of my yakking. What's up, Suzanne, and why Unicorns?
When I was a girl, I wanted a horse more than anything in the world, but never got one. Unicorns were just an extension of that. I was also a dog and cat lover. The love of animals ran in my family.
*I love animals too, Suzanne. But my dog's about to drive me up the wall. Want him? Anyway, I digress. The juxtaposition between unicorns and dinosaurs threw me for a loop at first. But you made it work. Truly imaginative. What inspired you to mix up the two very unusual critters?
The entire story is based on a story I wrote in grade six. It was six chapters long and fully illustrated by my sister. In the original book, the unicorn’s best friend was a stegosaurus named Dino. Later, as an adult, I changed him into a gigantisaurus named Darius in the new book.
*Um, if I beg, can we PLEASE see some of those illustrations? Pretty please with a horn on top? No? Fine. Back to the interview. Will we see Azaria and friends age along with the books or will they remain at a young age?
No, you won’t see them except possibly for a page or two depending on what I decide. The next story takes place 60 years in the future. New characters, new situation. But I will tell you that they do find Darius again. He’s very old now, but still the same wonderful creature he always was.
*I know the books are geared toward middle-grade readers, but, honestly, they're awesome for all age ranges. Devious plan or happy circumstance?
Happy circumstances. In reality, the unicorns’ situation resembles the plight of the rhinos and elephants in Africa who are poached for the ivory in their horns. This story gives a first-hand look at the problem through the eyes of the animal hunted.
*Okay, awesome, you're my kinda' person, Suzanne. Reading your book, I was put in mind of Richard Adam's classic Watership Down. The Shadow Of The Unicorn shares many environmental concerns and is very humane. Was Adam's book an influence?
No, it wasn’t. I only read his book about a year ago. Just loved it.
*Whatever you do, don't watch the British animated adaptation of Adam's follow-up book, The Plague Dogs. Good Lord, they even turned the ending more downbeat. Kids stay away for fear of future scarring! Okay. Sorry. Back to you. Would you consider yourself an animal rights activist (okay, I know this question's outta' nowhere, but to me, the book practically screams out for animal rights)?
No, I'm not. I'm definitely concerned about the extinction of animals through land encroachment, global warming, and poaching, we do live in an eco-system. So when I see news stories about deer attacking humans and animal rights activists screaming to leave them alone, my immediate thought is: but we live in an eco-system where the numbers would be controlled by hunting by humans and other creatures. I mean, if I go walking into the woods alone in cougar country, there’s a good chance I might be eaten by a cougar since I’m part of that food chain. I think hunting is okay if it the meat is used for food. But I don’t think people should engage in it just for sport, and definitely not for the harvest of ivory.
*But, Suzanne, where do zombies fit into your world-view? I think everyone should take a zombie to lunch. Digressing again. You present a pretty bleak portrait of humanity with the particularly heinous villain Ishmael, although I found his characterization interesting. Do you have any empathy for him Do you feel he's greed-driven? Doesn't know any better? Pure evil and hubris at work? Can we expect a kinder side of humanity in the future?
He’s absolutely greed-driven! And no, I have 0 empathy for him. He has no concept of animals having souls or feelings. They’re either meant for the table, or as beasts of burden, in this case—healers. Yes, we shall find kinder humans, but it’ll take a while. A lot of the second book deals with the need to trust some humans. Then, in the last book, it’s unicorn pitted against unicorn.
*Okay, the idea of unicorn against unicorn scares me, Suzanne. I love your creatures. Make the killing stop! I imagine Shadow Of The Unicorn will leave a lasting impression on your middle-grade readers. There's a lot of sadness, death of likable characters, and a fear of an uncertain future. I remember being that age and this is the kind of book I liked; strong, no coddling, ultimately hopeful. Thoughts?
I like to write stories that teach children values. And in order to finish the lesson I’m teaching, I have to end with the unicorns triumphing. Book one ended on a sour note because it’s not over yet for another two books.
*Suzanne, are we looking at an alternative time-line, different universe or the past?
Definitely an alternate history. It happens 12,000 years ago. And though some small mammals did exist alongside dinosaur in later history, I’ve made humans, equines, and dinosaurs wander the earth all at the same time.
*You've said the original version of Shadow was a lot more downbeat and depressing. Call me morbid, but I want to know how.
Morbid doesn’t describe it. Far more unicorns died. And you know the scene where Ishmael gathered up his cronies to slaughter all the unicorns in his pen for their horns? In the first version, he succeeded. But my sister read it and thought it was too cruel, so I introduced Adiva, Ishmael’s compassionate wife, who lets them go. Also, near the end, both of Azaria’s parents were killed. Again, my sister cried, “NO!” so I changed it to Polaris sacrificing himself for the herd.
*Good grief. Thank God for Adiva. Um, cheer up? Lol. Is there a major unicorn plan in place? Epic? I want to know and I want to read! How many books in the series can we anticipate?
Yes. I’m nearly finished rewriting the second of the trilogy. We are cast forward sixty years in time where a corrupt Great Stallion rules through intimidation and by creating a false god. Only one, very old unicorn remembers the truth and the story is mostly about the quest to find the truth. Also, there is another huge natural disaster impending. I’m planning on submitting this one to Muse in January.
*Sounds great, looking forward to it. Okay, cheat time. From our previous correspondence, you dropped a mention about a mystery involving violins. I put you on the spot, so spill the details. Can we expect to read it soon?
My boys and I are avid fiddlers. We study with one of the top fiddlers in Canada when she’s not on tour. In this story, Kira, a 13-year-old child prodigy in classical violin, has a tough time fitting in the small town of Hope. Her father dies at the beginning, and the money put aside for the new violin needed to do her final exam will be used to pay household expenses until the will comes through. To add to the angst, a strange red-haired fiddler with strange pale blue eyes attends her father’s funeral, and within days takes the town by storm with her mysterious Celtic music. Then when someone begins vandalizing the town, leaving dead and gutted birds as a calling card, only Kira knows who the real perpetrator is.
*Very intriguing! Bonus question, but don't treat it as much: What's your least favorite food? Ever?
It’s a toss up between liver and brussel sprouts.
*Hmm. Have to give it up to liver, Suzanne. Or lima beans.
Anyway. You guys go pick up Suzanne's book, The Shadow Of The Unicorn. Very different, very good and recommended, particularly for those imaginative at heart.
http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Unicorn-Legacy-ebook/dp/B00AIVD5EE/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383542542&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=unicorn+demontigney
http://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/now-available-in-ebook/the-shadow-of-the-unicorn-the-legacy-detail
So, hey, enough of my yakking. What's up, Suzanne, and why Unicorns?When I was a girl, I wanted a horse more than anything in the world, but never got one. Unicorns were just an extension of that. I was also a dog and cat lover. The love of animals ran in my family.
*I love animals too, Suzanne. But my dog's about to drive me up the wall. Want him? Anyway, I digress. The juxtaposition between unicorns and dinosaurs threw me for a loop at first. But you made it work. Truly imaginative. What inspired you to mix up the two very unusual critters?
The entire story is based on a story I wrote in grade six. It was six chapters long and fully illustrated by my sister. In the original book, the unicorn’s best friend was a stegosaurus named Dino. Later, as an adult, I changed him into a gigantisaurus named Darius in the new book.
*Um, if I beg, can we PLEASE see some of those illustrations? Pretty please with a horn on top? No? Fine. Back to the interview. Will we see Azaria and friends age along with the books or will they remain at a young age?
No, you won’t see them except possibly for a page or two depending on what I decide. The next story takes place 60 years in the future. New characters, new situation. But I will tell you that they do find Darius again. He’s very old now, but still the same wonderful creature he always was.
*I know the books are geared toward middle-grade readers, but, honestly, they're awesome for all age ranges. Devious plan or happy circumstance?
Happy circumstances. In reality, the unicorns’ situation resembles the plight of the rhinos and elephants in Africa who are poached for the ivory in their horns. This story gives a first-hand look at the problem through the eyes of the animal hunted.
*Okay, awesome, you're my kinda' person, Suzanne. Reading your book, I was put in mind of Richard Adam's classic Watership Down. The Shadow Of The Unicorn shares many environmental concerns and is very humane. Was Adam's book an influence?
No, it wasn’t. I only read his book about a year ago. Just loved it.
*Whatever you do, don't watch the British animated adaptation of Adam's follow-up book, The Plague Dogs. Good Lord, they even turned the ending more downbeat. Kids stay away for fear of future scarring! Okay. Sorry. Back to you. Would you consider yourself an animal rights activist (okay, I know this question's outta' nowhere, but to me, the book practically screams out for animal rights)?
No, I'm not. I'm definitely concerned about the extinction of animals through land encroachment, global warming, and poaching, we do live in an eco-system. So when I see news stories about deer attacking humans and animal rights activists screaming to leave them alone, my immediate thought is: but we live in an eco-system where the numbers would be controlled by hunting by humans and other creatures. I mean, if I go walking into the woods alone in cougar country, there’s a good chance I might be eaten by a cougar since I’m part of that food chain. I think hunting is okay if it the meat is used for food. But I don’t think people should engage in it just for sport, and definitely not for the harvest of ivory.
*But, Suzanne, where do zombies fit into your world-view? I think everyone should take a zombie to lunch. Digressing again. You present a pretty bleak portrait of humanity with the particularly heinous villain Ishmael, although I found his characterization interesting. Do you have any empathy for him Do you feel he's greed-driven? Doesn't know any better? Pure evil and hubris at work? Can we expect a kinder side of humanity in the future?
He’s absolutely greed-driven! And no, I have 0 empathy for him. He has no concept of animals having souls or feelings. They’re either meant for the table, or as beasts of burden, in this case—healers. Yes, we shall find kinder humans, but it’ll take a while. A lot of the second book deals with the need to trust some humans. Then, in the last book, it’s unicorn pitted against unicorn.
*Okay, the idea of unicorn against unicorn scares me, Suzanne. I love your creatures. Make the killing stop! I imagine Shadow Of The Unicorn will leave a lasting impression on your middle-grade readers. There's a lot of sadness, death of likable characters, and a fear of an uncertain future. I remember being that age and this is the kind of book I liked; strong, no coddling, ultimately hopeful. Thoughts?
I like to write stories that teach children values. And in order to finish the lesson I’m teaching, I have to end with the unicorns triumphing. Book one ended on a sour note because it’s not over yet for another two books.
*Suzanne, are we looking at an alternative time-line, different universe or the past?
Definitely an alternate history. It happens 12,000 years ago. And though some small mammals did exist alongside dinosaur in later history, I’ve made humans, equines, and dinosaurs wander the earth all at the same time.
*You've said the original version of Shadow was a lot more downbeat and depressing. Call me morbid, but I want to know how.
Morbid doesn’t describe it. Far more unicorns died. And you know the scene where Ishmael gathered up his cronies to slaughter all the unicorns in his pen for their horns? In the first version, he succeeded. But my sister read it and thought it was too cruel, so I introduced Adiva, Ishmael’s compassionate wife, who lets them go. Also, near the end, both of Azaria’s parents were killed. Again, my sister cried, “NO!” so I changed it to Polaris sacrificing himself for the herd.
*Good grief. Thank God for Adiva. Um, cheer up? Lol. Is there a major unicorn plan in place? Epic? I want to know and I want to read! How many books in the series can we anticipate?
Yes. I’m nearly finished rewriting the second of the trilogy. We are cast forward sixty years in time where a corrupt Great Stallion rules through intimidation and by creating a false god. Only one, very old unicorn remembers the truth and the story is mostly about the quest to find the truth. Also, there is another huge natural disaster impending. I’m planning on submitting this one to Muse in January.
*Sounds great, looking forward to it. Okay, cheat time. From our previous correspondence, you dropped a mention about a mystery involving violins. I put you on the spot, so spill the details. Can we expect to read it soon?
My boys and I are avid fiddlers. We study with one of the top fiddlers in Canada when she’s not on tour. In this story, Kira, a 13-year-old child prodigy in classical violin, has a tough time fitting in the small town of Hope. Her father dies at the beginning, and the money put aside for the new violin needed to do her final exam will be used to pay household expenses until the will comes through. To add to the angst, a strange red-haired fiddler with strange pale blue eyes attends her father’s funeral, and within days takes the town by storm with her mysterious Celtic music. Then when someone begins vandalizing the town, leaving dead and gutted birds as a calling card, only Kira knows who the real perpetrator is.
*Very intriguing! Bonus question, but don't treat it as much: What's your least favorite food? Ever?
It’s a toss up between liver and brussel sprouts.
*Hmm. Have to give it up to liver, Suzanne. Or lima beans.
Anyway. You guys go pick up Suzanne's book, The Shadow Of The Unicorn. Very different, very good and recommended, particularly for those imaginative at heart.
http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Unicorn-Legacy-ebook/dp/B00AIVD5EE/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383542542&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=unicorn+demontigney
http://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/now-available-in-ebook/the-shadow-of-the-unicorn-the-legacy-detail
October 26, 2013
It's The Most Spookiest Time Of The Year...
It's the most magical time of the year. Everything's turning orange. The air outside is crisper than a cracker. My wife's donning turtlenecks. Leaves are starting to fall, crackling with a pleasant crunch underfoot (until I have to rake). Deranged serial killers are lurking behind trees wearing plastic masks...wait, what?
Okay! Being the Halloween season, I'm doing my due diligence and delving into horror films. And man, have I delved. I won't hit you up with every loser I struggled through. But I'll mention the noteworthy (for various reasons) films. Get used to it. I'm going to do this each year.
*Possibly the biggest surprise to me was the remake of Fright Night (2011). I hadn't expected to like this in the least, after having suffered through so many poor remakes of horror "classics (debatable term)." But this film is surprising, funny, well-acted and sharply-written. I actually like the original, but I think the filmmakers, for once, improved on the original recipe. Recommended.
*Well, anything Guillermo DelToro touches is (usually) golden. He produced Mama, and it's a pseudo-classic. I sorta' freaked out on the feral kids, but that only hints at the spooky moments here. Very scary film. Too bad the last five minutes nearly derail the whole damn thing.
*Dead Silence. Sigh. What can I say? It's not very good. Pretty much sucks in fact. But. Anytime you
toss in a ventriloquist dummy, with those dead, yet alive (SQUIRREL!) eyes, I'm terrified. And there's some pretty freaky imagery throughout the whole film. For the ladies, Ryan Kwanten (Jason from True Blood) stars and thankfully keeps his clothes on. Still can't act very well.
*Hey, punch in that Duran-Duran eight-track tape and welcome to the eighties! The Newlydeads is truly awful. It has some sorta', maybe, kinda' plot about a transvestite ghost, a hero the film apparently doesn't mind is a murderer, some psychic woman, fun decapitations, and lots of trees. If you're a fan of blowsy, big-haired, blond women in "mom jeans (the kind they wear up over their navel and wide at the hip like my dad used to wear)"--and admittedly, I'm a closeted fan--this is your film. I loved it for all the wrong reasons. Most I laughed all year.
*I bought into the hype and checked out three Boris Karloff "horror" films. Man, am I stupid. Night Key, The Black Castle, and The Climax (um, not a porno film). Obviously trying to leach onto Karloff's success in Frankenstein, all of these films' trailers claim to be the "most terrifying thing since Frankenstein." Yeah, right. The first two are mediocre melodramas. The Climax is horrifying alright. It's a friggin' musical that features one of those god-awful, bird-chirping, warbling singers from the forties. She'll make your tooth-fillings ache. And the lead guy's one of those rosy-cheeked, earnestly high-pitched voiced dudes who'll make you want to pull your hair out. I call unfair. And definitely not recommended. Any of 'em.
That about does it. I'd love to hear about everyone else's Halloween viewing.
Stay spooky.
Okay! Being the Halloween season, I'm doing my due diligence and delving into horror films. And man, have I delved. I won't hit you up with every loser I struggled through. But I'll mention the noteworthy (for various reasons) films. Get used to it. I'm going to do this each year.
*Possibly the biggest surprise to me was the remake of Fright Night (2011). I hadn't expected to like this in the least, after having suffered through so many poor remakes of horror "classics (debatable term)." But this film is surprising, funny, well-acted and sharply-written. I actually like the original, but I think the filmmakers, for once, improved on the original recipe. Recommended.
*Well, anything Guillermo DelToro touches is (usually) golden. He produced Mama, and it's a pseudo-classic. I sorta' freaked out on the feral kids, but that only hints at the spooky moments here. Very scary film. Too bad the last five minutes nearly derail the whole damn thing.
*Dead Silence. Sigh. What can I say? It's not very good. Pretty much sucks in fact. But. Anytime you toss in a ventriloquist dummy, with those dead, yet alive (SQUIRREL!) eyes, I'm terrified. And there's some pretty freaky imagery throughout the whole film. For the ladies, Ryan Kwanten (Jason from True Blood) stars and thankfully keeps his clothes on. Still can't act very well.
*Hey, punch in that Duran-Duran eight-track tape and welcome to the eighties! The Newlydeads is truly awful. It has some sorta', maybe, kinda' plot about a transvestite ghost, a hero the film apparently doesn't mind is a murderer, some psychic woman, fun decapitations, and lots of trees. If you're a fan of blowsy, big-haired, blond women in "mom jeans (the kind they wear up over their navel and wide at the hip like my dad used to wear)"--and admittedly, I'm a closeted fan--this is your film. I loved it for all the wrong reasons. Most I laughed all year.
*I bought into the hype and checked out three Boris Karloff "horror" films. Man, am I stupid. Night Key, The Black Castle, and The Climax (um, not a porno film). Obviously trying to leach onto Karloff's success in Frankenstein, all of these films' trailers claim to be the "most terrifying thing since Frankenstein." Yeah, right. The first two are mediocre melodramas. The Climax is horrifying alright. It's a friggin' musical that features one of those god-awful, bird-chirping, warbling singers from the forties. She'll make your tooth-fillings ache. And the lead guy's one of those rosy-cheeked, earnestly high-pitched voiced dudes who'll make you want to pull your hair out. I call unfair. And definitely not recommended. Any of 'em.
That about does it. I'd love to hear about everyone else's Halloween viewing.
Stay spooky.
October 20, 2013
Squirrels Gone Wild
Our yard, set in a nice suburban Kansas neighborhood, contains a potpourri of wildlife, practically a wildlife habitat. Rabbits bounce, procreate, and my wife instructs our dog to eat them when they gnaw away at her garden. Snakes slither through the grass, pop out of bushes like a cobra out of a basket (I shriek like a child but let's not dwell on that). Bats flap at night, strange unidentifiable birds make weird, inexplicable electronic noises in the mornings. My favorite critter is the grand-daddy of all possums, who I used to see slowly slumbering home every morning at seven A.M., after a night of wild partying (a kindred soul), and sleeping it off underneath our deck. Haven't seen him in a while. Hope he's okay. Fist bump, possum.
But it's the squirrels. The freaky, scary, damn squirrels.
Couple summers ago, I walked out to my car parked in the street. A huge Oak tree-biggest in the 'hood-hovers over our house, practically shading the whole neighborhood. I had a hand on the car door when a loud explosion woke me up more than a barrel full of coffee. A squirrel magically materialized on the car-roof, stretched his neck up to the sky, checking out his bearings. He shook his head, I kid you not, clearing the cobwebs from his addled squirrel-brain after he plummeted from the tree onto my car's roof. We locked eyes. His cold, dark murderous black orbs glared at me. I swear he furrowed his brow. It was an instant frozen in time and twice as scary. Then he ran off, seemingly no worse for the wear. Long fall, too. But...that look. I know he blamed me. J'accuse!
Isolated incident? I think not. The other morning my wife left for work. Plunk! An acorn hit her head. She looked up. A squirrel glowered at her, challenging her. There was no doubt in her mind (and she's a scientist, for God's sake) he tossed it at her.
Not that I'm a specieist, but (and whenever someone prefaces a sentence like that, it means they usually are what they claim they're not) these dang squirrels are taking over. An animal coup d'état is on the horizon, Planet Of The Apes style.
I'm reminded of the mercifully short-lived "Man vs. Nature" horror films of the '70's. They usually starred people like Leslie Nielson (before his "funny stage") and Joan Collins (in her "washed up stage") as evil capitalists who want to destroy nature in the name of the almighty buck. Then the animals inevitably revolt. Anyone remember these films? No? Am I the only one? One particular film that haunted me in my childhood was Frogs starring Ray Milland. Of course it totally sucks in hindsight (I mean, frogs? Really? How harmful can they be?).But now...I don't know. Seems pretty omniscient.
Squirrels. Be careful, gang. I'm just sayin'.
But it's the squirrels. The freaky, scary, damn squirrels.
Couple summers ago, I walked out to my car parked in the street. A huge Oak tree-biggest in the 'hood-hovers over our house, practically shading the whole neighborhood. I had a hand on the car door when a loud explosion woke me up more than a barrel full of coffee. A squirrel magically materialized on the car-roof, stretched his neck up to the sky, checking out his bearings. He shook his head, I kid you not, clearing the cobwebs from his addled squirrel-brain after he plummeted from the tree onto my car's roof. We locked eyes. His cold, dark murderous black orbs glared at me. I swear he furrowed his brow. It was an instant frozen in time and twice as scary. Then he ran off, seemingly no worse for the wear. Long fall, too. But...that look. I know he blamed me. J'accuse!
Isolated incident? I think not. The other morning my wife left for work. Plunk! An acorn hit her head. She looked up. A squirrel glowered at her, challenging her. There was no doubt in her mind (and she's a scientist, for God's sake) he tossed it at her.
Not that I'm a specieist, but (and whenever someone prefaces a sentence like that, it means they usually are what they claim they're not) these dang squirrels are taking over. An animal coup d'état is on the horizon, Planet Of The Apes style.
I'm reminded of the mercifully short-lived "Man vs. Nature" horror films of the '70's. They usually starred people like Leslie Nielson (before his "funny stage") and Joan Collins (in her "washed up stage") as evil capitalists who want to destroy nature in the name of the almighty buck. Then the animals inevitably revolt. Anyone remember these films? No? Am I the only one? One particular film that haunted me in my childhood was Frogs starring Ray Milland. Of course it totally sucks in hindsight (I mean, frogs? Really? How harmful can they be?).But now...I don't know. Seems pretty omniscient.
Squirrels. Be careful, gang. I'm just sayin'.
October 11, 2013
Return Of The Christian Werewolf Erotica!
I swear. Some time back, I joked about writing a Christian, werewolf erotica novel. You know what? It's been my most popular blog post thus far. So, I'm going with another entry. Y'all better be careful for what you wish. I'm now contemplating unleashing (rabies and all) a whole novel full of this idiocy.
Fair warning, folks. The heat level's gonna' rise! So, tuck in the little ones, grab a glass of wine, settle back and sizzle.
Clears throat. Okay, here we go...
I nibbled on his ear like a communion wafer. His furry unibrow raised up to Heaven, his toes bent down to Hades. He gazed at me, howled, then asked, "Do you...do you...watch Fox network news?" The question didn't need to be answered, no time for words. Nothing mattered but the moment. I grabbed his pointed ears like handlebars, pulled him down next to me. A true gentleman, he lapped at his privates. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. He jumped up, circled the bed several times like a dog before a nap, panted, then fell back in bed. His tongue lashed out at my face. After wiping his saliva off, I maneuvered my way on top of him. Being an internet-certified pastor, I quickly delivered a marriage ceremony. Now I could truly enjoy the pleasures of his lupine body, no sinning involved.
"Ethel," he moaned. "Oh, God..."
"Yes, praise him," I replied.
"You're the first human woman I've been with."
"And the last..."
"No, I mean, really, arooooooo! I've only been with were-men before you."
"What?"
Ooh! I've just turned my Christian erotica werewolf novel into a GAY Christian erotica werewolf novel! This suckah's gonna' sell through the roof!
Okay, what do you guys think? I'm either going to Hell or becoming a millionaire.
Working title is "50 Fleas Of Fur."
Fair warning, folks. The heat level's gonna' rise! So, tuck in the little ones, grab a glass of wine, settle back and sizzle.
Clears throat. Okay, here we go...
I nibbled on his ear like a communion wafer. His furry unibrow raised up to Heaven, his toes bent down to Hades. He gazed at me, howled, then asked, "Do you...do you...watch Fox network news?" The question didn't need to be answered, no time for words. Nothing mattered but the moment. I grabbed his pointed ears like handlebars, pulled him down next to me. A true gentleman, he lapped at his privates. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. He jumped up, circled the bed several times like a dog before a nap, panted, then fell back in bed. His tongue lashed out at my face. After wiping his saliva off, I maneuvered my way on top of him. Being an internet-certified pastor, I quickly delivered a marriage ceremony. Now I could truly enjoy the pleasures of his lupine body, no sinning involved.
"Ethel," he moaned. "Oh, God..."
"Yes, praise him," I replied.
"You're the first human woman I've been with."
"And the last..."
"No, I mean, really, arooooooo! I've only been with were-men before you."
"What?"
Ooh! I've just turned my Christian erotica werewolf novel into a GAY Christian erotica werewolf novel! This suckah's gonna' sell through the roof!
Okay, what do you guys think? I'm either going to Hell or becoming a millionaire.
Working title is "50 Fleas Of Fur."
October 6, 2013
No government? Fine. No taxes
Well, crap, we no longer have any government. Weird, right? So far there's no rioting in the streets, looting, or embarrassing flash-mobs in the malls. And since we're still civilized in the malls-the last bastion of humanity-we just might weather through this.
So a bunch of tea party (pinky fingers uplifted, of course, while they sip their drinks) members and republicans threw a hissy fit because they didn't get their way. Cry me a river and let me urinate in it. Sorry for the vulgarity, gang, but I'm pretty pissed.
The One Percent is gonna' come out of this just fine and dandy, probably better than ever, thank you very much. Interest rates are going to rise. The high and mighty decision-makers will sit back in their leather recliners, stroking their white cats in their laps, and giggling at the misery they've wrought. Can't ever get enough money, after all, and that's what it's all about. Meanwhile, lots of people are hurting, government funded programs now defunct. And hard-working folks are losing their jobs.
Why? We know the answer. Greed and stupidity.
SO what's the upside? Not a damn thing. But I'm thinking of forcing an upside. If the so-called decision-makers of the United States decides there's no more government, then I'll back them. That means I shouldn't have to pay taxes anymore, right? Hell, yeah. It's a revolution started on my sofa!
Fight the man!
So a bunch of tea party (pinky fingers uplifted, of course, while they sip their drinks) members and republicans threw a hissy fit because they didn't get their way. Cry me a river and let me urinate in it. Sorry for the vulgarity, gang, but I'm pretty pissed.
The One Percent is gonna' come out of this just fine and dandy, probably better than ever, thank you very much. Interest rates are going to rise. The high and mighty decision-makers will sit back in their leather recliners, stroking their white cats in their laps, and giggling at the misery they've wrought. Can't ever get enough money, after all, and that's what it's all about. Meanwhile, lots of people are hurting, government funded programs now defunct. And hard-working folks are losing their jobs.
Why? We know the answer. Greed and stupidity.
SO what's the upside? Not a damn thing. But I'm thinking of forcing an upside. If the so-called decision-makers of the United States decides there's no more government, then I'll back them. That means I shouldn't have to pay taxes anymore, right? Hell, yeah. It's a revolution started on my sofa!
Fight the man!
October 4, 2013
Come Party With Meradeth Houston. Colors Like Memories Is In Print!
Hi! *waves* I'm incredibly excited to announce the paperback release for COLORS LIKE MEMORIES. The ebook release has been a blast, and it is especially awesome to actually hold the book in my hands :) Here are three things I think you might find fun about the book:1. It's got a pretty sweet cover :) And I'm rather partial to the blurb:
Julia has a secret: she killed the guy she loved. It was an accident—sort of.
Julia is a Sary, the soul of a child who died before taking her first breath. Without this 'breath of life' she and others like her must help those on the verge of suicide. It's a job Julia used to enjoy, until the accident that claimed her boyfriend’s life—an accident she knows was her fault. If living with the guilt weren't enough, she's now assigned to help a girl dealing with the loss of her mother, something Julia's not exactly the best role model for. If she can't figure out a way to help her, Julia's going to lose her position in the Sary, something she swore to her boyfriend would never happen.
2. There have been some pretty awesome things said about it (if I do say so myself, but I may be a bit biased). See:
-"...I applaud the author for providing a writing that has the power to encourage, inspire, help, heal and simply serve as a platform to stimulate communication for any reader (regardless of age), who is feeling hopeless. If you are looking for an interesting read, this book is well written, interesting and has several positive messages that the reader can take away from the story. I would recommend this book to any reader." TWC Amazon Review
-"Colors Like Memories was an amazing YA paranormal romance. It will make you soar with wings then drop you off and catch you once you get near the ground." Michelle Kullman Amazon Review
-"COLORS LIKE MEMORIES is an achingly beautiful tale of love, loss, and new beginnings. Meradeth Houston writes with a clean, clear prose that packs a punch. She carries her characters through the full spectrum of emotions, and the reader is swept along in the journey." RunningnWriting Amazon Review
3. You don't have to wait for book #2! THE CHEMISTRY OF FATE, also set in the Sary world, is already available, and you can grab a copy at Amazon, B&N, or my publisher MuseItUp Publishing. Book #3, SURRENDER THE SKY, will also be released soon :)
You can pre-order COLORS LIKE MEMORIES at my publisher's site: MuseItUp Publishing, or find it on Amazon, and Barnes & Noble. Ebook copies are also available on all vendor sites!
Those are my three things, and if that's not enough to interest you, well, I've also got a little giveaway running for a book of your choice. Check out the rafflecopter below :)
A bit about Meradeth:>She’s a Northern California girl, but now lives and teaches anthropology in Montana.
>When she’s not writing, she’s sequencing dead people’s DNA. For fun!
>She’s been writing since she was 11 years old. It's her hobby, her passion, and she’s so happy to get to share her work!
>If she could have a super-power, it would totally be flying. Which is a little strange, because she’s terrified of heights.
Get Meradeth's book here:
http://www.amazon.com/Colors-Like-Memories-ebook/dp/B0083ODXSG/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1 http://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/new-releases/series/colors-like-memories-print-book-detail
Find her online:
Website : Blog : Twitter : Facebook : Pinterest : Goodreads
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Direct link to Rafflecopter.
September 30, 2013
My Wife's A Serial Killer!
I woke up this morning angry at my wife. When I got out of the shower, I told her as much.
"Why?" she asked. "Did I flush on you again?"
"No." For once it wasn't that. But she does have an uncanny knack of flushing the upstairs toilet as soon as I enter the shower downstairs. Makes for an eye-opening, genital-shrinking, freezing way to kick off your morning. "No, you woke me up at four A.M. because of what you did in my nightmare."
In my dream, a friend of hers called, asked her if she'd be interested in killing someone. All in the name of science, of course. At first she declined. But I saw the spark in her eye, her killer cogs turning. Soon, she said she'd like to do it, wanted to know if I'd like to join in on the weekend excursion. I hemmed and hawed, then gave into her. It went against my better judgment, but I saw how much it meant to her. So six of us got a motel room (three couples, three double-size beds) and proceeded to collect three people to murder. I chickened out, lay on the bed with the pillow over my head while the wacky antics ensued around me. At some point my in-laws showed up. The next morning it was time to check out. But there was a strange Hawaiian-shirted cop in the room, asking questions. The cops were closing in and...
I woke up. Couldn't believe my wife put me through that.
But that's unfair, I feel you thinking. You have to understand, I'm the guy who grounded my daughter years ago because of her behavior in one of my dreams.
The weird thing is, this is a variation on a recurring nightmare I have. I'm always somehow involved in a murder (usually an accident), I try and cover it up using the most convoluted methods in the world (yet at the time, they make perfect sense), and the cops are ready to nail me.
Huh. I told my daughter about these nightmares a few days ago. She launched into full-on psychoanalytical mode. She said, "Dad, either you feel guilty about something or...all of the macabre events you write about are getting to you."
Maybe I am taking my work to bed with me.
"Why?" she asked. "Did I flush on you again?"
"No." For once it wasn't that. But she does have an uncanny knack of flushing the upstairs toilet as soon as I enter the shower downstairs. Makes for an eye-opening, genital-shrinking, freezing way to kick off your morning. "No, you woke me up at four A.M. because of what you did in my nightmare."
In my dream, a friend of hers called, asked her if she'd be interested in killing someone. All in the name of science, of course. At first she declined. But I saw the spark in her eye, her killer cogs turning. Soon, she said she'd like to do it, wanted to know if I'd like to join in on the weekend excursion. I hemmed and hawed, then gave into her. It went against my better judgment, but I saw how much it meant to her. So six of us got a motel room (three couples, three double-size beds) and proceeded to collect three people to murder. I chickened out, lay on the bed with the pillow over my head while the wacky antics ensued around me. At some point my in-laws showed up. The next morning it was time to check out. But there was a strange Hawaiian-shirted cop in the room, asking questions. The cops were closing in and...
I woke up. Couldn't believe my wife put me through that.
But that's unfair, I feel you thinking. You have to understand, I'm the guy who grounded my daughter years ago because of her behavior in one of my dreams.
The weird thing is, this is a variation on a recurring nightmare I have. I'm always somehow involved in a murder (usually an accident), I try and cover it up using the most convoluted methods in the world (yet at the time, they make perfect sense), and the cops are ready to nail me.
Huh. I told my daughter about these nightmares a few days ago. She launched into full-on psychoanalytical mode. She said, "Dad, either you feel guilty about something or...all of the macabre events you write about are getting to you."
Maybe I am taking my work to bed with me.
