Stuart R. West's Blog, page 57

Here comes the zombies!

Well, looks like it's that time again to introduce y'all to my newest book.

Zombie Rapture. Crazy title, huh? Go look at it now, then meet me back here. Zombie Rapture Linky-Poo!

Now if you're the type of person who'd rather not read about gut-munching zombies, hang on a minute! The zombies in this book are really "zombies" in title only. First of all, they're sentient. Second, they don't eat flesh. Or brains (a rather nasty culinary habit, I think). Rather, they somewhat fancy fried chicken, down-home cooking. 

Sure, they're dead (or "undead" if you want to get fancy-pants about it). And they're out to kill the (apparently) few surviving living humans. Why? It's complicated. But in a nutshell, people have died, come back, and now believe they're experiencing the Rapture come to earth. Heaven on earth. Those not like them? They want to "save" them, bring them into their paradise. You know, by killing them. Told you it's complicated.

But at the heart of the tale? A love story, a heroic quest for Hunter to find his missing girlfriend, Jordan.

Okay. Even though a couple of the protagonists are teens, it's not a YA book. Too much for their tender lil' minds. I certainly don't want to have the corruption of teens on my rap-sheet. And again...it's the zombie book for people who don't like zombies. (But fear not, zombie lovers! I've got you covered as well!).

The book shape-shifts. While writing, it took on a mind of its own. Starts out all romancey and stuff. Segues way into dark humor (I don't know about you, but a dead lil' old lady coming at our hero with hedgeclippers, chanting "praise Him, praise Him!" strikes me as morbidly amusing). Turns into suspense, horror, sci-fi, mystery, thriller. Finally satire. 

An end-of-the-world black comedy! Fun for the whole family!

Official launch date is April 14th. You can preorder it until then at this nifty link: Clicky for Zombie Rapture! All this excitement for a mere $2.99! Go!

I Left My Wallet in San Diego...

Everyone sing!

We just got back from a week long trip to San Diego. Great city. I suggested to my wife that we should retire there. But, um, the cost of living in San Diego would make for a very short, yet sweet, retirement. You can't get a meal for under $30 unless you hightail it over to Taco Bell. And Kansas City already has tons of those, no new cuisine under the sun there.

The San Diego Zoo is spectacular. I came back with a
sunburned, blistered scalp and the notion that Polar and Grizzly Bears are the friendliest mammals in the world. No wonder they call it a "bear hug." Because that's what these lovable guys want. A hug. The only reason bears maul people? Because instead of offering hugs, people scream. Why can't we all just get along? Oprah would be proud of me. (My wife doesn't share this same outlook, it must be said. She just rolled her eyes in several spectacular orbits).

Speaking of "friendly," San Diego is host to the swellest bunch of homeless people I've ever met. Sure, there was the leather-faced woman who cursed and snapped her teeth at me demonic possession style, but, hey there's always a bad apple in every orchard. Most of them took rejection just fine, offering well wishes afterward. One kindly lady (note: don't go to public parks) handed me a hastily scribbled message--something about demons--offered me a cigarette and told me to vote for Obama. Well...ignoring the fact that Obama can't run again, this homeless woman actually offered me a cancer stick and political and demonic advice! Offering instead of begging! Wow! It is odd...the homeless are not only tolerated in downtown San Diego, but they're practically accepted, a colorful component of the city.


While we're talking "colorful"...San Diego's a real melting pot; many languages, many cultures, many races. The most prevalent? Burgundy red people. I wanted to lather them with sun screen, share the friendliness. Honestly, you'd think the natives would catch on by now that skin cancer's a real thing. Like Global Warming (contrary to what our cab-driver told us). Colorful!

But, alas, every city has a downside. For some reason, couples love to perform very public, ugly and loud break-ups in San Diego. Not only did I witness several throw-downs, I was caught in the middle of a particularly volatile scenario, the angry woman (something about her boyfriend cheating on her) shoving me aside to better attack her boyfriend. On a downtown sidewalk. Excitement!

And I was nearly run down by crazy, death-defying bicyclists. These guys were true magicians, vanishing and reappearing, weaving in and out of crowds at spectacular speeds, mere inches from wasting sidewalk walkers. Danger!

The worst part was our hotel. It overlooked a trolley station. All night long and every fifteen minutes, the train would shwoosh in, blowing the horn. Except the horn sounded more like the bellowing noise made when the "tributes" in The Hunger Games movie died.  (I'm in dire need of a vacation from my vacation). No sleep!

The scariest part? On three occasions, a clerk/waitress/pedicab driver told us, "Welcome back." Huh. Never been to San Diego before. You know, San Diego's already sorta' removed from reality as I understand it: the sky's a preternaturally ocean-deep blue; everything's either cement or water (no greenery); the homeless are there to make us feel at home; there're more bars than a prison...it's Disneyland for adults! So I guess it comes as no shock that our doppelgangers are running around, always two steps ahead of us. Twilight Zone time!

Can't wait to go back, armed with sunscreen and ear-plugs.

Tex the Witch Boy Conjures Into Print!

My first book, Tex, the Witch Boy, is now available as a trade paperback! Now why is this exciting news, you ask? Why should you be thrilled that my rollicking YA mystery, paranormal, comedy, romance, thriller, kitchen-sink catch-all has made the transition onto paper? Glad you asked!

1) If you'd like to play along at home, it's much cooler to practice Tex's witchcraft spells while holding an actual book as opposed to an E-Reader. Just something old-school witchiness about it.

2) The cover's had an over-haul! Say goodbye to "Tex, the Twenty-Something, Kinda' Creepy Male Model Who Still Hangs Around High Schools." No offense to my marvelous cover artist, Charlie Volnek (who actually also did the great new cover), but this really isn't Tex, not the Tex I'd always envisioned. Anyone who's read the book can attest to that.

Say hello to the new boss!

This new cover captures the content of the tale much better:  Mysterious, dangerous, forboding, BOOYAH! Charlie knocked it out of the park.

Here! First reveal:
 That's what I'm talkin' about!

3) Finally, it recently came to my attention that YA readers (teenagers, early 20's) don't read e-books! GASP! Shocker, I know. Usually, every teen I know has their nose buried in some electronic gadget 24-7. You practically have to set yourself on fire to grab their attention and then it's only for a fleeting moment. (Just pray they're interested enough to call the Fire Department).

But, this is especially important as the theme of the book is about anti-bullying, a powerful message that I'd like to see reach the proper audience. Now the book has a chance of getting into libraries and, ultimately, teens' hands.

So, if you know a teen who's being bullied, buy the book for them. If you want teens to know they're not alone, that they have options, let 'em read this book. The books doesn't preach or talk down, nothing but the sometimes harsh truth. I should know. All bullying incidents detailed within either happened to me or a friend of mine.

Available now: Tex, the Witch Boy

Suzanne de Montigney's herding up the unicorns again!

My pal and terrific author, Suzanne de Montigny is in the house and she’s bringing her unicorns with her. (Hope they’re potty-trained.) Her new novel, The Shadow of the Unicorn: The Deception (the second in her Shadow of the Unicorn series) launches March 17th. In celebration, I decided to hit Suzanne up with some intense grilling. You guys bring the corn-on-the-cob.


SRW: Suzanne, tell us a little bit about your newest entry in the series.
Well, just watch the book trailer. http://youtu.be/xZgQSBowrFE
SRW: What I find remarkable about your series is the wonderful sense of humanity inherent in the tales. Yet the message is told through the eyes of a group of unicorns. Now, to me, you don’t seem much like a cynic, but the humans in your books, for the most part, are an awful lot. Explain and/or apologize.
The truth of the matter is that there are people like that in the world, driven by money with little regard for others and little regard for the environment. But in this story, the humans are just plain stupid. Drachen, my favourite, really gets it in the end, but in a really comical way. My boys really chuckled at what happens to him. 
SRW: In the first book, the hero, Azaria, is a noble unicorn. How does the second book’s protagonist, Ulysees, differ? I enjoyed his youthful impetuousness. Alas, we’ve all been there. 
Ulysees is rebellious and that’s what gets the unicorns rediscovered by the humans when he and his buddy, Téo, follow an old trail in defiance of Icarus, their very cruel leader.
SRW: Yeah, what’s up with Icharus anyway?
Icarus is the epitome of psychopath in a horsey kind of way. Everything he does is for power. He scares the herd into submission with stories of a superior being named Jaresh who will take away their powers of healing and their abilities to shadow-walk, camouflage, and ride the wind.
SRW:  Okay, now, “the epitome of psychopath in a horsey kind of way?” Great sound-bite…or something. Moving on…Ach, Jaresh! Hate that guy. What was your inspiration (without giving away spoilers) for this unique character?
Westboro Baptist Church comes to mind, or any of those extremist Christian religions that quite honestly don’t bare a whole lot of resemblance to traditional Christians and who use scare tactics to get converts. Shame on them. They make me so mad.
SRW: Yep, the ever-lovely Westboro Baptist Church hails my state, Kansas. You’re welcome, everybody!
I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around a world where unicorns exist alongside dinosaurs. Probably a Bible fundamentalist’s worst nightmare. But it works! I believe you’re a regular church-goer. So…how do you explain your fictional setting to the non-evolutionists? (Sorry, sorry, putting you on the spot).
Haha! You have to think like a kid. Don’t forget my original unicorn story was written when I was in grade six and one of my favourite television shows was The Flintstones—humans  and dinosaurs existing together! I knew that wasn’t possible at that age, but hey, in fantasy, anything and everything is possible. As for the Bible and evolution? I’ve always considered Bible stories to be mere representations of what might have happened. 
SRW: Good save, safe save, Suzanne. An underlying thread in your books is racism, intolerance. I really liked how you presented the antipathy between unicorns and horses. An extremely nice lesson for younger readers. Why, exactly, do unicorns dislike horses? Seems kinda’ like a horse of a same breed (or something like that).
Haha. You make me laugh. Unicorns dislike horses because they’ve been domesticated by the humans and are used to pursue them. However, the racism thing actually happened when I was a little girl back in the sixties. Her name was Marie. I befriended her on the playground when I was seven. She was really nice, so I invited her home after school to play. At suppertime, after she left, I was really shamed by my family for having played with a native child, and I mean really shamed. The next day, when Marie asked me to play again, I very dutifully exclaimed, “No! I don’t play with Injuns!” Sigh. I can only begin to imagine how horrible she felt, and you know what? It’s bothered me most of my life. And when the story found itself in this book, I finally realized I had to find that girl and apologize. It took a bit of searching and help from an old classmate, but eventually I located her on FB where I wrote her a heartfelt letter telling her how dreadful I felt about it all. She never responded, but that’s okay just so long as she knows it’s been on my conscience all this time. I dedicated the book to her (and my Uncle Denis).
SRW: The human villains were a bumbling lot, sort of evil, kinda’ comic relief. A far cry from the first book’s heinous human villain. I thought it was a nice change-up. But I’m weird. Were they meant to be amusing?
Absolutely! Heck, we didn’t need another Ishmael. 
SRW: Now, come on! It’s time for some decent humans. Any upcoming?
Yup—in the last of the trilogy. Her name’s Corabelle and she has a gift that causes her no end of grief. She’s an old soul and has tremendous kindness toward animals.
SRW: The big one, ready? What, exactly, is the title “deception?”
It’s that darn Icarus, but I can’t tell you what.
SRW: Where’s the series go from now? Are you picking up Ulysees’ tale in the future? Or will we see the next generation? Furthermore, where is the series heading?
The last of the series takes place during medieval times, several thousands of years into the future. It’s called The Shadow of the Unicorn: The Revenge. The main character, Damien, has a physical defect that causes the other unicorns to be relentlessly cruel to him, so much to the point that Damien turns evil. Yes, that’s right—a unicorn is the bad guy!
SRW: Oh, good. I like bad guys as the protagonist. Refreshing in their sociopathic behavior!Aside from the unicorns, what’re you working on?
I just finished a teen novel called, A Town Bewitched. I’ve just submitted it to a Canadian publisher and am crossing my fingers. Here’s the blurb:

It's tough for Kira, growing up in the small town of Hope, B.C., as a child prodigy in classical violin, especially when her father just died. But when Kate McDonough, the red-haired fiddler, with no past, takes the town by storm with her spellbinding Celtic music, only Kira suspects it’s her vandalising Hope, leaving dead and gutted birds as a calling card.
SRW: There you have it, ladies, gentlemen and unicorns (hey, they could be reading, right? RIGHT?). Jump right out, buy Suzanne’s newest book: Shadow of the Unicorn: The Deception.
And, hey, Suzanne's decided to donate a free copy to one of you lucky readers. But you gotta' comment. People, I implore you to buy this book. 'Cause I wanna' see it made into a movie. I want to see Ben Affeck's head CGI'ed onto a unicorn's body. Please make my wish come true.

Worst Break-Up Lines Ever

Well, Valentine's Day has come and gone and, as per usual, I'm a little late to the party. Anyhow, it's time to celebrate love.

And what better way than to compile a list of the world's worst (or most efficiently quick) break-up lines.

I conducted intensive research (made crap up), interviewed a broad spectrum of random people (Mr. Google), and embarked upon a Vision Quest (thought about my rather pathetic past romances). 

The results may shock you. Journalism at its most intense. And, by skippy, if I don't feel like Oprah on a caffeine high.

Here we go (everyone do a drum-roll, but don't really do it out loud. You're liable to upset the dog.):

10) I don't think my wife will like you.
9) How many people do you have to murder before you're considered a serial killer?

8) There's nothing sexier than Hee-Haw.

7) That's what those are? Toast tweezers? I've been using them to yank out nostril hairs.

6) You resemble your mother even though she's way hotter.

5) Last night, aliens gave me the best anal-probe I've ever had.

4) Because I sorta' almost like you, I'm going to serenade you with the entire soundtrack of "Newsies." Here. Right now. In this restaurant.

3) You're almost as hot as Bea Arthur. Maybe just wearing football gear.

2) Hey, check me out while I light this fart on fire!

And the big one:

1) Not only does it sting when I urinate, I'm hosting exciting new breeds down yonder.

Ta-dahhh! Yes, I'm twelve years old.

Heavenly Planned Obsolescence

Over the past several months, the fickle gods of car problems ("Heavenly Planned Obsolescence") have had it in for me.

Just as my daughter's car finally--FINALLY--was fixed (a tragic, eight-month long experiment in stress involving the mechanic running from the law...a tale for a different day), the car guys in the sky decided to shower down more grief.

Not too long ago, my wife and I bought a new car, a Highander, purportedly one of the best autos on the road. We settled into post-car purchasing bliss. Then I made the tragic mistake of taking it to my mechanic for a final check AFTER I'd bought it. Turns out it IS a great ride. Except the engine sucks. Something about the blocks separating. "A flaw," the mechanic said with a million-dollar grin. A flaw? Dang engine was gonna' drop out. 
So we got it fixed. Then the engine started leaking oil. Back to the mechanic. "A manufacturer flaw in the fix-it kit," he said, this time doing a really crappy job stifling his laughter. There may as well have been dollar signs rolling in his eyes. How many flaws can a highly-recommended auto have in one life-time?

I love the car. It's great. Rides like a dream. Has a cassette player. A cassette player! Everything about it's sweet. Except, of course, the engine. Kind of a big deal, I think. If nothing else, maybe I can sleep in the Highlander like a docked boat in a driveway.

Three more trips to the mechanic. Each time the engine light came on. Still not fixed.

Meanwhile, my wife's car has its own headaches. Flat tires, goofy computer system, some piece of plastic crap dragging the road like cans on a newlyweds' car. I swear I've spent more time these last several months in auto mechanics' lairs than I have in church over the past ten years.

I'm in my own car circle of hell, a nightmare that loops round and round, where it stops, nobody knows.

My dog is taking over the world one human at a time!

It's that time of year when people start breaking New Year's resolutions, an honorable tradition, one I look forward to annually. I set my resolutions early: lose weight, walk the dog more, win a million dollars in the lottery. Well...so far, none of these goals have been met yet.

But every Thursday, around 2:00, I've been walking the dog. Since January, at least. One small step toward one of my goals.

And then there was yesterday...

"Mesmero, the Wonder Dog"
Here, in the midwest, winter's really just starting. And I shouldn't complain, not after what Boston and New York have been through. But the snow's finally begun here, hasn't stopped.

At 2:00 yesterday, I closed the computer, ready to do some food prep and house cleaning. The dog flips out. He gallops through the house, leaping like a kangaroo. He stops in the foyer, looks at his hanging leash, back to me, back and forth several times. I get it already.

So, I say, "Zak, you don't really want to go out there, do you? I mean, look outside! It's snowing, it's ten degrees, it sucks!" Clearly my words fell on deaf ears (my dog has very selective hearing).

He runs upstairs, stops at the head of the steps, gives a bark. Manipulating me. He knows full well that's part of the ritual, my going up there to switch into tennis shoes. He's staring down at me, big dopey expectant eyes, tail wagging and knocking things over.

Who am I to deprive him of the highlight of his week? Even though I dreaded it worse than a trip to the dentist.

Now here's something you need to know about Zak...he's a highly artificially climate-controlled dog. He despises any type of moisture or cold. Literally, I have to shove him outside to go to the bathroom if it's even sprinkling or dropping snow flurries. When I do successfully get him outside, he doesn't leave the deck, gives it a few seconds to fool us, and then barks to be let back in. 

NOW he wants to go for a walk in our Winter Trauma-land? Further proof of his manipulation.

So...off we go, Zak excitedly dragging me to the park through a blizzard. Unaffected. Happy.

Thirty minutes later, my eyes are watering from the wind, my faces is red as a fire hydrant, I can't feel my feet, my nose is running with skin flaking off like potato chips.

Yet, I fell for it. 

It's gonna' be Planet of the Dogs, folks. My dog's the Caesar, leading the troops through psychic manipulation. You've been warned.

Television Trauma

We pay a lotta' cash each month to watch TV. Yet, over the past three months, the service has been sporadic, images freezing, the system kicking us out with rude messages like, "I'm sorry, but you suck, you can't watch TV now."

I won't name the provider (yet). But we've had ten different fellas out over the last three months.
Some of them quite swell; one hobbit wanted to hang with me and waste out his hours. Fine, your dime, whatever. But each "technician" has a different diagnosis ("Your frim-fram is set to stun," "Looks like your dig-outs have been compromised by gophers," "You should only use your microwave when you're not watching TV," "Have you heard of electronic Shingles?") They all have solutions, none of them work.

Most of the guys are nice. 75% of them look like ruddy-cheeked "Larpists" with teeny-tiny Game of Thrones goatees.

One dude was the Zen-Warrior of TV Maintenance:

Me: "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Zen-Warrior of TV: "Coffee? Hmm, coffee. I don't believe I've experienced the fixation of coffee in many moons. These days I evolve with Taekwando and study Winnie the Pooh books. I wouldn't consider sullying my temple with caffeine."

Okay. That's fine. Just fix the damn TV.

None of them have. The biggest problem is one hand doesn't know what the other's doing. A stray finger scratches my belly, promising glorious rewards (or at least, a working TV stream). The other punches in our phone number and inanely asks, "Are you satisfied with how your problem was resolved?"

GAH!

Makes me long for the olden days when we had three (four, if the weather was in our favor) channels. Sure, it sucked, having to choose between Lawrence Welk or Hee-Haw, but at least we could depend on the choices.

Easels and Pancakes and Loin Cloths...Oh My!

This week Twisted Tales is turning over the blogging to author Dave Fraser. Dave and his sister, Heather Brainerd Fraser, are the authors of the extremely entertaining Jose Picada mystery series. Turns out we both had books launch on the same day this week. Dave's a New York resident. And he views my stomping grounds, Kansas, as an alien world. Here's what his journalistic investigation found out about Kansas (to read my take on New York, visit Heather & Dave's blog!):

Stuart West is a life-long Kansas resident, so it should be no big surprise that his six books (of which I've read four) are all set there. February 3 marked his seventh release, The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals, and it's set in...you guessed it, Kansas!

All this Kansas stuff got me thinking about Kansas, which didn't take very long, since I don't know much about it at all. In short, everything I know about the state relates to The Wizard of Oz and the Kansas City Royals, which, it turns out, actually play in Missouri. So we can cross them off the list.

I set it upon myself to learn more about the state. Instead of doing actual "research" and learning "information", I decided to plan a theoretical road trip to the Sunflower State (learning this official nickname was as far as my "research" went). These are, sadly, all real things.

Stop 1: Monument to the Pig That Inspired the Piggy Bank (White Cloud, KS) In 1913, ten-year-old Wilbur Chapman sold his pig, Pete, and donated the funds to an organization helping lepers. The story caught the public's imagination. Pete the pig would live forever as a symbol for saving money, long after he was made into bacon.

Stop 2: Second Largest Hand-dug Well in Kansas (Seneca, KS) This awesome attraction is a big hole in the ground.

Stop 3: Monument to Grace Bedell (Delphos, KS) In 1860, eleven-year-old Grace Bedell wrote Abraham Lincoln a letter suggesting he grow a beard, which he did. Later in life, Ms. Bedell settled in Delphos, where she continued to write world leaders regarding fashion and beauty. Gandhi's loincloth? That was her idea, too.

Stop 4: World's Largest Ball of Twine (Cawker City, KS) The
Guinness Book of World Records recognizes a ball in Branson, Missouri (circumference: 41.5 feet) (that's the circumference of the ball, not Branson) as the world's largest. But the fine people of Cawker City are not deterred. Through their hard work and determination their ball continues to grow. In 2014, it measured 41.42 feet in circumference. Only 0.08 feet to go, or, if we measure it in terms of bad boy pop stars, 0.014 Justin Biebers.

Stop 5: World's Largest Collection of World's Smallest Versions of the World's Largest Things (Lucas, KS) Technically, this could be just about anywhere, since it is based out of a large passenger van. It is the home to a collection (the world's largest, of course) of small versions of objects determined to be the largest of their type in the world. Of course, the name kind of says all that, doesn't it?

Stop 6: World's Largest Czechoslovakian Egg (Wilson, KS)

With intricate patterns and bold colors, Czechoslovakian eggs are miniature works of art. Wilson, which bills itself as the "Czech Capital of Kansas", saw fit to make an egg for the ages. It measures 22 feet long, giving an unprecedented opportunity for a dazzling display of Czechoslovakian Egg artistry. So they painted the whole thing solid black.

Stop 7: World's Largest Hand-dug Well (Greenburg, KS) Suck it, Seneca.

Stop 8: International Pancake Day Hall of Fame (Liberal, KS) What exactly is International Pancake Day? Each year, the town of Liberal has a race against a town in England. Women from each town run, flipping pancakes as they go. This has been going on since 1950, or, for our metric-loving Canadian friends, for roughly 2,049,840,570,735 milliseconds.

Stop 9: World's Largest Hairball (Garden City, KS) Just...gross.

Stop 10: World's Largest Easel (Goodland, KS) We will end out tour in northwest Kansas, staring up at the world's largest easel, holding what is probably the world's largest Van Gogh reproduction. This two-for-one is no doubt in the World's Largest World's Smallest Museum Thingy. What was it called again?

I guess I always thought of Kansas as being kind of boring. After looking over my list, though, that couldn't be farther from the truth. And this is just the top ten (An example of something that didn't make the list: Lucas' World's Most Artsy Public Toilets). People of Kansas, you are friggin' weird. I wish I lived there.

There you have it, folks! I should've known better than to turn my blog over to Dave after the last, um, "interview" he did with me. But don't hold that against him! Buy Dave and Heather's new book, Act of Abduction: Jose Picada, P.I.

The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is everywhere!

You can run, but you can't hide. Like-Minded Individuals, Inc. is everywhere.


Don't believe me? Read my newest shocking expose, er...um..."fictional thriller," The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals.
 
Here's what some early reviewers had to say:
 
The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is a brilliant thriller about a society of serial killers with just a dusting of humor. Suspense fans will not be disappointed. --Heather Greenis, author of The Natasha Saga

Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals pulls you in for a furious ride, sure to give you chills. Dark, gritty and meaty fun. --Meradeth Houston, author of the Sary Society series

A gripping read. For those of you looking to add to your reading list, I highly recommend giving this one a try if you enjoy a different twist to your thrillers. --Penny Ehrenkranz, historical romance author
 
The Secret Society of Like-Minded Individuals is not your usual thriller, murder mystery. It is a unique plot with unexpected murderers and, of course, the underlying West humor, a roller coaster ride to the end. Trust me, you've never read anything like it before. --Patricia McQueen, retired English teacher

The only problem is...I haven't heard from these reviewers since they've read the book. I suspect Like-Minded Individuals got to them.

If you read the book, you can help expose the shocking conspiracy! And maybe save my life! Because they're now after me for writing the book!
 
Buy the book now, for the love of God, and help save my life! 
Available in paperback and Kindle format.