Stuart R. West's Blog, page 40
April 20, 2018
Highway Empress

She had uncommonly good luck, hitting one green light after another.
I said, "Wow. You're just hitting all the lights."
"It's not luck. I planned it that way," she said.
I thought about it. Then proclaimed her a god of Shawnee Mission Parkway.
"No. Not a god. An empress," she said.
"How about the Queen of Shawnee Mission Parkway?"
"No, I want to be an empress!"
Well, being her loyal slave, who am I to argue?
All bow down to the mighty Empress of Shawnee Mission Parkway! Huzzah!
For a different kind of royalty, check out Killer King , the third book in the Killers Incorporated trilogy, where serial killers go up against an evil giant mega-corporation. You know...business as usual! https://books2read.com/u/bMr9VG

Published on April 20, 2018 03:00
April 13, 2018
Halt! You're under citizen's arrest!

I'm a bit excited about this. The act of performing a citizen's arrest tops my bucket list.
There are many worthy recipients of a citizen's arrest. I'd love to enforce my brand of martial law onto horrible and dangerous drivers. I mean, the other day I saw an idiot swerving lane to lane with his phone held in front of him. And there's the prob. How do I chase the offending moron down without Starsky and Hutching everyone else on the highway?
A bigger problem might be what to do with the guy once I catch him.
"Excuse me, sir, but I'm placing you under citizen's arrest. Um, could you come get in my car while I drive you to the police station?"
I don't see this working out in my favor.
I need a better plan. Of course I certainly don't want to start lugging around guns, even though practically everyone in Kansas has one (and damn proud of it! Ram tough!). Not in this day of commonplace, nightmarish shootings. I could see myself adding to the problem. I've got that addictive sort of personality.
Frankly, I might not know where to draw the line in my impending career as a citizen's arrester. What do I do with those buffoons who wear shorts and t-shirts in thirty degree weather? Do I slip handcuffs on everyone who wears two different types of plaid? I'd be maxing the jail cells out with major fashion faux-pas offenders, a wardrobe-angry Charles Bronson.
According to Ms. Google, my research assistant, I'm allowed to use "reasonable force" should I find it warranted. I'd say the above offenses definitely warrant a good kick to the junk.
The law doesn't make it easy on we citizen arresters, either. The onus is on the arresting citizen to provide probable cause. Not a problem. One look at my captive's mesh see-through shirt and mullet, the police force will hand me the key to the city.
Now all I've got to do is detain the offender until the cops show up. Easy-peezy. I'll sit on him. I can sit like a champ!

I'd probably arrest Zach, the "hero" of my Zach and Zora comic mystery series for being such a dolt. Find out if that arrest is warranted by clicking here!

Published on April 13, 2018 03:00
April 6, 2018
Goat Parading with Horror Author Peter N. Dudar
SRW: Today, I’m stoked to have horror author, Peter N. Dudar, as my guest. It’s not often a horror novel blows me away, but his recent release, The Goat Parade (out now from Grinning Skull Press), did just that. It’s magnificent, epic, harrowing, original, compelling, nightmarish, and all kinds of other hyperbolic words that I’m too lazy to get into right now. So, let’s just chat up Peter.
Peter, we’re now entering the no-spoiler zone. But while discussing your book, it’s nearly impossible to stay within that comfort area. Tell you what I’m gonna do…I’m putting the onus on you! Tell the reader what they’re in for. PD: Hi, Stuart! It’s funny, but when I set out to write THE GOAT PARADE, I’d originally intended the book to have a True Crime kind of vibe to it. But my sensibilities always bring me back to the supernatural, and I found that I just couldn’t tell the story the way I wanted to without introducing those elements of otherworldly horrors. I was raised Catholic, so I’ve always had that mythology of religion present in my life. So this book is my take on the battle between Good and Evil, but at no moment do I use God as a character or as a Deus Ex to save the day by the end. It’s also an allegory about the concept of Free Will and Sin.
SRW: The book opens with what feels to me like an authentically grounded acid trip, fully realized and beautifully essayed. Um, Peter…is this from experience? Just how much research was involved? (I’m not, nor am I affiliated, with the DEA).
PD: Oh my god, no…I’ve never dropped acid. What I’d really intended to do with the prologue is to set the scene for the novel, with a very Charles Manson-esque killer and his sirens in a satanic ritual. It’s very sexual and very creepy. If I’ve done my job well, the book comes full-circle; starting with The Man with the Deformed Right hand and concluding with a new Man with the Deformed Right Hand being born to take his place.
SRW: While reading about extreme satanist Warren and his acolytes, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Charles Manson. Hate to frame it this way, but was Chuck an influence?
PD: I can remember being in high school when Geraldo Rivera did his famous interview with Manson on one of his specials. The guy was so oddly captivating that I spent decades following his profile and his life from afar. Not that I mean to condone his actions or the terrible hurt he caused, but that compulsion to want to know why he is so broken and so crazy has always been there. I wanted my antagonist, Warren Pembroke, to have that same captivating feel about him. I wanted him to have the good looks of Ted Bundy, and the mysticism of Manson. That was my template. Manson finally died last year, I think just after my novel was accepted by Grinning Skull Press, and I kept thinking it was either Karma or I was the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet. It’s almost like I made a deal with the Devil…
SRW: Since we’re still talking influences (and making deals with the Devil), how ‘bout Robert Johnson? I mean, even my mom knows he sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads of Mississippi in exchange for extreme blues guitar prowess. Your character, “Tobacco Joe” is following in his footsteps. Are you writing your personal interests into your characters? PD: All of this is an extension of the Faust story, and I think Johnson’s life has expanded that archetype to cosmic proportions. It’s just so exemplary of the power of folklore, and I wanted my book to have that same feel to it. The trick is to be able to create characters with different perspectives and different cultures then your own, and tell their stories honestly. I spent a great deal of time researching those old Delta blues-men so I could build Joe Walton’s character and get it right. And yeah, I do love their music, so it really wasn’t a chore.
SRW: I’ve always thought to write accurately about music, one needs to have had experience in that field. It can be as tough as…well, writing about writers.
Let’s try another one. Were—are?—you a hard-drinking, burned-out journalist (and can there be any other kind)?
PD: There’s a bit of romanticism with writing and alcoholism, isn’t there? That’s why Poe and Hemingway and all those other cats come across as larger-than-life. I make no bones about it—I do have a problem with alcohol, so I felt an enormous amount of empathy for what Erik Marsh was going through. But no, I’ve never been a journalist. Erik’s character was actually the starting point when I began writing the book. I had envisioned his character arc as finding a sense of redemption by the end of the book. I’m a sucker for redemption tales.
SRW: In The Goat Parade, you mourn the death of true journalism, a vocation where men chain-smoke indoors, stink of news, and develop armpit stains and cirrhosis of the liver to show for it. Do you believe the lack of professionalism in internet journalism is a sincere problem?
PD: I think it’s just gotten lazier over the years. Again, there’s a certain romanticism about that archetype of the news reporter with the fedora that has a “Press” label pinned to it. Even the phrase “Crime Beat” makes me smile. It’s evocative. Nowadays we have college kids writing and submitting news stories to Huffpost (and most likely NOT getting paid for it), or else we have round-the-clock news stations run by global billionaires with political agendas. There’s a reason I made a character named Truth Carson…
SRW: Your tale unfolds in several different States. The reader witnesses racism from Portland cops and big-time racial epithets in a Memphis blues club. Do you see racism on the rise? A by-product of our current “state of the nation?” Or are you bringing the horror of humanity to the foreground? (Sure, it’s a loaded question, Peter, but pull the trigger!).
PD: I think it’s always been there, but recent events have sharpened the edges and sharpened our perspective of it. Again, my commitment in writing the book is to tell the story as honestly as I can. Joe Walton is an African American male. His whole life would have been burdened with the oppression of racism. But his character is the one protagonist in the book who is making that “mythological” journey that scholars like Joseph Campbell love to critique. And I had a singular goal with Joe’s journey: I wanted to present a character going through the process of dehumanization as far as I could take him, and see if Free Will still existed at the end, and if he’d be willing to choose to do the right thing. That journey exposes the horrors of our modern day reality.
SRW: You also capture the unique rhythms of Portland with the diverse melting pot of inhabitants, the partying, the bars, the outdoor cafes, and street performers. Meanwhile, across the States, following another character, you’re belting out the blues in a sweaty, seedy Memphis blues bar. Have you visited these unique cities?
PD: I’ve never been to Tennessee, but in a real twist of serendipity, my family will be vacationing there this yearSRW: The character of Svetlana is awesome. I don’t usually fall for love stories in horror books, but it really works well here. Svetlana’s a displaced Serbian acrobat/social worker who can turn the world on with her smile. My investment in her character raised the stakes for me. Nicely done. Characterization in horror is so important and some writers forget this, choosing to write them as fodder and chum. But all four of your leads are fleshed out quite nicely. Are any of them based upon people you know?
PD: It’s funny that you mentioned this, Stuart. As I was rereading the book while in the process of going through the edits, I found myself falling in love with Svetlana, and that’s never happened to me before with one of my characters. I read your question and in the back of my head I heard the Mary Tyler Moore theme song, and I think that was exactly the template I wanted when I wrote her. But to answer your question, I didn’t base any of the characters on people I know, with the exception of Warren Pembroke. I based them on concepts and personalities that were fluid and could be easily manipulated to move the story in the directions I wanted them to. The readers can ascribe their own interpretations of who they’re reminded of.
SRW: Throughout The Goat Parade, you kept me guessing as to whether supernatural underpinnings were at play. Without giving too much away, the Devil plays an active role in at least two of your characters’ tales. Yet these characters are so unstable and unreliable, the reader’s kept off guard as to whether “Ol’ Scratch” truly exists or is a figment of delusion or worse. This is an extremely unpredictable book and I love that. What’s more frightening to you, things that can’t be explained or the horrors humanity is capable of?
PD: That’s a damn good question. Like I said earlier, my sensibilities always drift toward supernatural fiction, because that’s what interests me. But for true horror, the inhumanity of our society wins every time. I think that’s why we’re seeing an upswing in the genre; because people turn to us to escape all the terrible stuff that’s going on right now. Brian Keene posited on his podcast very recently that eras where republicans control the government have a positive impact on genre fiction, and I feel inclined to agree with him.
SRW: Thank you, President Trump! You also keep the reader guessing how the divergent tales of Warren, Erik, Svetlana and Joe are going to collide. Not only are they separated in plot, but distance, too. I experienced an impending sense of apocalyptic doom and dread. What do you want the reader to take away from the book?
PD: I think the best kind of books are the ones that have ramifications to ponder long after the reader has finished it. Like I said earlier, I wanted this to be an allegory about Free Will and our ability to choose to do what’s right. We take for granted a lot of stuff based on American Elitism, and because of that we are slowly forgetting how to empathize with people in other countries, who have little or no choice at all about how they live. If readers are thinking at all about my book after they’ve finished reading, I think that’s good enough for me. I want them to feel entertained, and that they got their money’s worth.
SRW: Let’s chat about the symbolism of goats. In your novel, Warren paraphrases the Bible (although I kinda think he’s quoting the Cake song) that “Sheep go to Heaven and goats go to Hell.” Traditionally, sheep are considered mild, docile, and mindless followers. The way “good people” are labeled. (Although I like Hitchcock’s quote that actors are like cattle.) While the rebel rousers and trouble-makers—the goats—are “bad people.” The crux of the book has Warren gathering his goats for a “parade.” Am I missing any goat symbolism? Anything beyond the obvious symbolism of Warren’s deformity and the titular parade? Putting WAY too much thought into this?
PD: I love Cake! I think you nailed pretty much what I wanted to convey with the symbolism. I kept thinking while I was writing it, If children are like lambs, how terrible it would be if someone decided they wanted to transform that sense of innocence and make them goats. As a horror writer, I feel a need to write something frightening enough to scare myself. This story did that. As a parent, this book scares the shit out of me. Warren’s deformity is a mark of possession. He spends a great deal of time contemplating that sense of Déjà vu throughout the book. Hopefully, my ending fills in those blanks.
SRW: A major theme in Goat Parade is the question of free will. You don’t get preachy, yet all of your characters struggle whether they have life choices. At first, Joe believes he can change his date with the devil, but ultimately gives up. Svetlana believes that serendipity leads her. Eric is on the fence and Warren…well, he’s Warren; responsibility and guilt don’t apply to Warren. Heady stuff for a horror book. Which side of the fence do you fall over?
PD: I think the ability to make a choice isn’t exactly the same as having Free Will because we’re still governed by circumstances and laws of physics and man-made laws and lots of other factors. I think it’s all a great illusion at its core. I love the notion of serendipity. And Karma. If you offered me hopes and prayers or a pocketful of good luck, I’d choose good luck every time.
SRW: Svetlana explains the difference between fate and serendipity. Agreed?
PD: Yes. God, I love Svetlana. Serendipity is almost like religion for her. And she feeds it by using this almost curse she’s been given to help others rather than help herself. I love that she works a job AND performs her street show to get by, but is then generous with how she lives.
SRW: I kinda get the feeling you’re a glass half empty kinda guy, Peter. Based on this book, I’m assuming there aren’t a whole lotta Happily Ever Afters in the Dudarverse. Am I correct in this assumption?
PD: Muahahahahaha. I just had this discussion with my mom recently. She doesn’t read horror because horror almost never has a happy ending. There’s a correlation between horror and dark endings for the sake of telling a story honestly. Technically, THE EXORCIST has a happy ending because Regan McNeil has been freed from her possession, but is it REALLY a happy ending? In all honesty, outside of horror, I’m a sucker for happy endings. It’s why I cry at almost every Disney movie I see.
SRW: Well, your book certainly shook me as I know it will anyone else who gives it a read. I really enjoyed the inevitable “meet horrible” of your characters. Definitely gave me a Koontz and King epic road-trip sorta vibe (and I caught that Castle Rock reference!). Inspirations?
PD: Oh gosh, I love King. Way too many inspirations to count them all, but I love Laymon, Hautala, Clegg, Straub, and Ellison. From our contemporary authors, L.L. Soares, Kristen Dearborn, Ed Kurtz, Bracken MacLeod, Stacey Longo, Josh Malerman, April Hawks, Morgan Sylvia, and Tony Tremblay.
SRW: What’s up with the “Omniscient Eye?” (I was kinda surprised to see it has a web presence…but then again, so do funny cat photos).
PD: Azezel’s Eye! Yeah, it’s not exactly “omniscient” in the book—it can only see into people’s pasts and not their futures. If it could see their futures, then Fate becomes absolute and unchanging. I wanted each character’s future to be undetermined and unforeseeable, so I had to place that limitation. But I love that concept of the Omniscient Eye. It has a mythology of its own. It’s everywhere. Any time you hold a dollar bill in your hand, it’s right there. And that’s not even bringing up security cameras and all the ways we’re constantly being watched all the time. Privacy is becoming an illusion. That scares me.
SRW: Tell us what’s next on your laptop of horror.
PD: I just finished making a round of short story submissions for early 2018. Now I’m on to beginning a new book, tentatively titled “The Butterfly Goddess”. I’ve been working out plot and characters in my head for about six months now, so I really need to put those thoughts onto paper.
SRW: Where can readers find your work? Or where do you hang out for the stalkers?
PD: I have an author page on Amazon. Just type in Peter N.Dudar and you’ll see me smiling at you. I also have an author page on Facebookand a presence both on Twitter and Instagram. Beyond that, I’m also a member of the New England Horror Writers and The Tuesday Mayhem Society, so if you look those pages up on Facebook, you’re liable to bump into me.
SRW: Thanks much for chatting, Peter. Folks, do yourself a favor and go pick up The Goat Parade .
ONE CLICK AWAY FROM A GOAT PARADE!

SRW: The book opens with what feels to me like an authentically grounded acid trip, fully realized and beautifully essayed. Um, Peter…is this from experience? Just how much research was involved? (I’m not, nor am I affiliated, with the DEA).
PD: Oh my god, no…I’ve never dropped acid. What I’d really intended to do with the prologue is to set the scene for the novel, with a very Charles Manson-esque killer and his sirens in a satanic ritual. It’s very sexual and very creepy. If I’ve done my job well, the book comes full-circle; starting with The Man with the Deformed Right hand and concluding with a new Man with the Deformed Right Hand being born to take his place.
SRW: While reading about extreme satanist Warren and his acolytes, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Charles Manson. Hate to frame it this way, but was Chuck an influence?
PD: I can remember being in high school when Geraldo Rivera did his famous interview with Manson on one of his specials. The guy was so oddly captivating that I spent decades following his profile and his life from afar. Not that I mean to condone his actions or the terrible hurt he caused, but that compulsion to want to know why he is so broken and so crazy has always been there. I wanted my antagonist, Warren Pembroke, to have that same captivating feel about him. I wanted him to have the good looks of Ted Bundy, and the mysticism of Manson. That was my template. Manson finally died last year, I think just after my novel was accepted by Grinning Skull Press, and I kept thinking it was either Karma or I was the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet. It’s almost like I made a deal with the Devil…
SRW: Since we’re still talking influences (and making deals with the Devil), how ‘bout Robert Johnson? I mean, even my mom knows he sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads of Mississippi in exchange for extreme blues guitar prowess. Your character, “Tobacco Joe” is following in his footsteps. Are you writing your personal interests into your characters? PD: All of this is an extension of the Faust story, and I think Johnson’s life has expanded that archetype to cosmic proportions. It’s just so exemplary of the power of folklore, and I wanted my book to have that same feel to it. The trick is to be able to create characters with different perspectives and different cultures then your own, and tell their stories honestly. I spent a great deal of time researching those old Delta blues-men so I could build Joe Walton’s character and get it right. And yeah, I do love their music, so it really wasn’t a chore.
SRW: I’ve always thought to write accurately about music, one needs to have had experience in that field. It can be as tough as…well, writing about writers.
Let’s try another one. Were—are?—you a hard-drinking, burned-out journalist (and can there be any other kind)?
PD: There’s a bit of romanticism with writing and alcoholism, isn’t there? That’s why Poe and Hemingway and all those other cats come across as larger-than-life. I make no bones about it—I do have a problem with alcohol, so I felt an enormous amount of empathy for what Erik Marsh was going through. But no, I’ve never been a journalist. Erik’s character was actually the starting point when I began writing the book. I had envisioned his character arc as finding a sense of redemption by the end of the book. I’m a sucker for redemption tales.
SRW: In The Goat Parade, you mourn the death of true journalism, a vocation where men chain-smoke indoors, stink of news, and develop armpit stains and cirrhosis of the liver to show for it. Do you believe the lack of professionalism in internet journalism is a sincere problem?
PD: I think it’s just gotten lazier over the years. Again, there’s a certain romanticism about that archetype of the news reporter with the fedora that has a “Press” label pinned to it. Even the phrase “Crime Beat” makes me smile. It’s evocative. Nowadays we have college kids writing and submitting news stories to Huffpost (and most likely NOT getting paid for it), or else we have round-the-clock news stations run by global billionaires with political agendas. There’s a reason I made a character named Truth Carson…
SRW: Your tale unfolds in several different States. The reader witnesses racism from Portland cops and big-time racial epithets in a Memphis blues club. Do you see racism on the rise? A by-product of our current “state of the nation?” Or are you bringing the horror of humanity to the foreground? (Sure, it’s a loaded question, Peter, but pull the trigger!).
PD: I think it’s always been there, but recent events have sharpened the edges and sharpened our perspective of it. Again, my commitment in writing the book is to tell the story as honestly as I can. Joe Walton is an African American male. His whole life would have been burdened with the oppression of racism. But his character is the one protagonist in the book who is making that “mythological” journey that scholars like Joseph Campbell love to critique. And I had a singular goal with Joe’s journey: I wanted to present a character going through the process of dehumanization as far as I could take him, and see if Free Will still existed at the end, and if he’d be willing to choose to do the right thing. That journey exposes the horrors of our modern day reality.
SRW: You also capture the unique rhythms of Portland with the diverse melting pot of inhabitants, the partying, the bars, the outdoor cafes, and street performers. Meanwhile, across the States, following another character, you’re belting out the blues in a sweaty, seedy Memphis blues bar. Have you visited these unique cities?
PD: I’ve never been to Tennessee, but in a real twist of serendipity, my family will be vacationing there this yearSRW: The character of Svetlana is awesome. I don’t usually fall for love stories in horror books, but it really works well here. Svetlana’s a displaced Serbian acrobat/social worker who can turn the world on with her smile. My investment in her character raised the stakes for me. Nicely done. Characterization in horror is so important and some writers forget this, choosing to write them as fodder and chum. But all four of your leads are fleshed out quite nicely. Are any of them based upon people you know?
PD: It’s funny that you mentioned this, Stuart. As I was rereading the book while in the process of going through the edits, I found myself falling in love with Svetlana, and that’s never happened to me before with one of my characters. I read your question and in the back of my head I heard the Mary Tyler Moore theme song, and I think that was exactly the template I wanted when I wrote her. But to answer your question, I didn’t base any of the characters on people I know, with the exception of Warren Pembroke. I based them on concepts and personalities that were fluid and could be easily manipulated to move the story in the directions I wanted them to. The readers can ascribe their own interpretations of who they’re reminded of.

PD: That’s a damn good question. Like I said earlier, my sensibilities always drift toward supernatural fiction, because that’s what interests me. But for true horror, the inhumanity of our society wins every time. I think that’s why we’re seeing an upswing in the genre; because people turn to us to escape all the terrible stuff that’s going on right now. Brian Keene posited on his podcast very recently that eras where republicans control the government have a positive impact on genre fiction, and I feel inclined to agree with him.
SRW: Thank you, President Trump! You also keep the reader guessing how the divergent tales of Warren, Erik, Svetlana and Joe are going to collide. Not only are they separated in plot, but distance, too. I experienced an impending sense of apocalyptic doom and dread. What do you want the reader to take away from the book?
PD: I think the best kind of books are the ones that have ramifications to ponder long after the reader has finished it. Like I said earlier, I wanted this to be an allegory about Free Will and our ability to choose to do what’s right. We take for granted a lot of stuff based on American Elitism, and because of that we are slowly forgetting how to empathize with people in other countries, who have little or no choice at all about how they live. If readers are thinking at all about my book after they’ve finished reading, I think that’s good enough for me. I want them to feel entertained, and that they got their money’s worth.
SRW: Let’s chat about the symbolism of goats. In your novel, Warren paraphrases the Bible (although I kinda think he’s quoting the Cake song) that “Sheep go to Heaven and goats go to Hell.” Traditionally, sheep are considered mild, docile, and mindless followers. The way “good people” are labeled. (Although I like Hitchcock’s quote that actors are like cattle.) While the rebel rousers and trouble-makers—the goats—are “bad people.” The crux of the book has Warren gathering his goats for a “parade.” Am I missing any goat symbolism? Anything beyond the obvious symbolism of Warren’s deformity and the titular parade? Putting WAY too much thought into this?
PD: I love Cake! I think you nailed pretty much what I wanted to convey with the symbolism. I kept thinking while I was writing it, If children are like lambs, how terrible it would be if someone decided they wanted to transform that sense of innocence and make them goats. As a horror writer, I feel a need to write something frightening enough to scare myself. This story did that. As a parent, this book scares the shit out of me. Warren’s deformity is a mark of possession. He spends a great deal of time contemplating that sense of Déjà vu throughout the book. Hopefully, my ending fills in those blanks.
SRW: A major theme in Goat Parade is the question of free will. You don’t get preachy, yet all of your characters struggle whether they have life choices. At first, Joe believes he can change his date with the devil, but ultimately gives up. Svetlana believes that serendipity leads her. Eric is on the fence and Warren…well, he’s Warren; responsibility and guilt don’t apply to Warren. Heady stuff for a horror book. Which side of the fence do you fall over?
PD: I think the ability to make a choice isn’t exactly the same as having Free Will because we’re still governed by circumstances and laws of physics and man-made laws and lots of other factors. I think it’s all a great illusion at its core. I love the notion of serendipity. And Karma. If you offered me hopes and prayers or a pocketful of good luck, I’d choose good luck every time.
SRW: Svetlana explains the difference between fate and serendipity. Agreed?
PD: Yes. God, I love Svetlana. Serendipity is almost like religion for her. And she feeds it by using this almost curse she’s been given to help others rather than help herself. I love that she works a job AND performs her street show to get by, but is then generous with how she lives.
SRW: I kinda get the feeling you’re a glass half empty kinda guy, Peter. Based on this book, I’m assuming there aren’t a whole lotta Happily Ever Afters in the Dudarverse. Am I correct in this assumption?
PD: Muahahahahaha. I just had this discussion with my mom recently. She doesn’t read horror because horror almost never has a happy ending. There’s a correlation between horror and dark endings for the sake of telling a story honestly. Technically, THE EXORCIST has a happy ending because Regan McNeil has been freed from her possession, but is it REALLY a happy ending? In all honesty, outside of horror, I’m a sucker for happy endings. It’s why I cry at almost every Disney movie I see.
SRW: Well, your book certainly shook me as I know it will anyone else who gives it a read. I really enjoyed the inevitable “meet horrible” of your characters. Definitely gave me a Koontz and King epic road-trip sorta vibe (and I caught that Castle Rock reference!). Inspirations?
PD: Oh gosh, I love King. Way too many inspirations to count them all, but I love Laymon, Hautala, Clegg, Straub, and Ellison. From our contemporary authors, L.L. Soares, Kristen Dearborn, Ed Kurtz, Bracken MacLeod, Stacey Longo, Josh Malerman, April Hawks, Morgan Sylvia, and Tony Tremblay.
SRW: What’s up with the “Omniscient Eye?” (I was kinda surprised to see it has a web presence…but then again, so do funny cat photos).
PD: Azezel’s Eye! Yeah, it’s not exactly “omniscient” in the book—it can only see into people’s pasts and not their futures. If it could see their futures, then Fate becomes absolute and unchanging. I wanted each character’s future to be undetermined and unforeseeable, so I had to place that limitation. But I love that concept of the Omniscient Eye. It has a mythology of its own. It’s everywhere. Any time you hold a dollar bill in your hand, it’s right there. And that’s not even bringing up security cameras and all the ways we’re constantly being watched all the time. Privacy is becoming an illusion. That scares me.
SRW: Tell us what’s next on your laptop of horror.
PD: I just finished making a round of short story submissions for early 2018. Now I’m on to beginning a new book, tentatively titled “The Butterfly Goddess”. I’ve been working out plot and characters in my head for about six months now, so I really need to put those thoughts onto paper.
SRW: Where can readers find your work? Or where do you hang out for the stalkers?
PD: I have an author page on Amazon. Just type in Peter N.Dudar and you’ll see me smiling at you. I also have an author page on Facebookand a presence both on Twitter and Instagram. Beyond that, I’m also a member of the New England Horror Writers and The Tuesday Mayhem Society, so if you look those pages up on Facebook, you’re liable to bump into me.
SRW: Thanks much for chatting, Peter. Folks, do yourself a favor and go pick up The Goat Parade .

Published on April 06, 2018 03:00
March 30, 2018
Bombastic Bird Droppings!

I've lived in my house for nearly 30 years and I've never seen nature attack this badly.
Three times--count 'em, three!--birds have done a fly-by over my house and car and let their bowels loose with a vengeance. My car looked like a Jackson Pollock painting on wheels. Or maybe my wife's favored painter pants, a hardware store badge of honor.
I don't get embarrassed often. But I couldn't even take my auto out to the car wash. Not in public. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I took a hose to the car. Didn't help. Next, I donned plastic gloves (hmm...kinda snug...smelled funny), grabbed a towel (which I marked for non-washable; sorry, favorite rag!) and put on a ball-cap (I still have nightmares recalling when a bird pooped on my head in downtown Kansas City).
Man, the results were a mess. Still better than it was and at least presentable for public viewing.
Same thing happened two days later. Noooooo! And this time, the birds came back with a vengeance. Not only did my car look like a polka-dotted hybrid, but the entire front-side of our house was Dr. Seuss's worst nightmare: large hoopa-paloopa-sploopa splotches of bird crap.
Again the hose didn't work. These particular birds sported some fine intestinal fortitude. To my neighbors' amusement, I put on gloves and took the rag to the house. I grinned (more like grimaced), muttered, "heh, spring cleaning."
During this grotesque procedure, I also discovered I was allergic to bird poop. The first go-round I thought it was the sissy plastic gloves. This time I went hand nekkid and still had the same reaction. My hands turned raw and red.
Above, birds cawed and mocked me, laughing their hideous bird-song of hilarity.
In the dead of night, off I trawled to Fast Eddie's Car Wash ("Open 24-7, every day of the year, no holiday too lonely to get it clean!").
The next morning, my screams filled the house.
This time the damned birds meant business. As a frightening calling card, they left a dead squirrel inches from my car. Really. I couldn't figure out any other way to explain why the squirrel was frozen in a state of shock, eyes wide open and glaring at nuts of eternity. No sign of foul play. No indications of struggle. No blood. Just....horrible, final, sadistic, vengeful death.
So now, like a mad man, I'm holed up in my house. The few times I venture out, I run. Fully covered in a hazmat suit.
And the birds tweet on...
Let me drop a plug for my book, Peculiar County, here. No birds. But there is something mighty peculiar flying the skies...

Published on March 30, 2018 03:00
March 23, 2018
Interview with the fine artist, Sirac (by the extraordinary SIR WESLEY STUART)!

To right matters, I’ve allowed Sirac the pleasure of being interviewed by yours truly.

S: Hey Wesley, how are you doing?WS: (Youth today...sigh...so uncouth). Let’s begin with your name, “Sirac.” I notice your moniker includes the designation, “Sir.” Now I, of course, am a true “Sir,” knighted by the Queen (rather, her lackey) herself. You, on the other hand, I think are not a royal knight. Defend yourself.
S: Well, not “royal” in the traditional sense but certainly someone YOU would want to kneel to.WS: Harrumph... So, you see yourself rather like “Cher,” then. Possibly “Sting?”
Moving on, no time for pish posh… You’ve done an extraordinary job bringing my brilliant characters to life in Fish Bowl. Truly, you make them sing, nearly flying off the pages of my literary magnum opus. Besides myself, who or what are some of your artistic influences?
S: Well, I have to say that Norman Rockwell is one that is at the very top. His work has always fascinated me, even as a little boy. The other is a comic book artist by the name of Jim Lee. His comic work is just amazing.WS: Actually, I detect animated cartoon sensibilities in your work on Fish Bowl. Of course, I would never view such a lowly art form myself, never would I stoop that low. The very idea of Sir Wesley Stuart watching cartoons is preposterous! I scoff! Be that as it may, have *sniff* cartoons influenced you?S: That’s funny that you say that since we’ve just worked on a children’s book together…But anyway. Yes, cartoons have certainly influenced me. Most normal people grow up watching cartoons, but I didn’t stop there, I was also heavily influenced by Japanese animation.WS: Yes. Well… Thank you for implying I'm above and beyond normal. But let's not make this all about me, shall we?
Your art absolutely flows and soars (literally) throughout Fish Bowl. The dear wee ones in the book—so breathtakingly delineated through my stellar prose—absolutely come to life. Did you use real children as the basis for their images? If so, how much did you pay the little ragamuffins?
S: Nope, I imagined all how they would look according to how you wrote them. As I read, all of a sudden, their images popped into my head and I went with it.

S: Yeah, you mean the one of 5 Original American art forms? Yes, comic books alongside with Jazz, also the source of some of the most money making cinematic franchises in the past 20 years. That’s where I started, drawing them since I was in the 2nd grade until now. Proud to say I started publishing my own a few years ago. But I’m also a fine artist and have been awarded many times for my pieces.WS: Hmmph. I suppose there is a place for that and what not. I will say that your artwork, as always, is quite stellar, though. How does one acquire such funny-book periodicals?

WS: It’s come to my rather short attention span that you’re a commercial artist for hire. A rogue agent, if you will. What kind of art is your forte? Let us ponder a few choice examples.
S: Well, we’ve already discussed Comic Book art, I also specialize in Painting Portraits, Logo Design and Murals.WS: Bravo, Sirac, bravo! Extremely versatile, an artiste of many hats. I’m particularly taken by your painting, “The Devil’s Court.” It’s quite reminiscent of a night of mine involving several snakes, copious amounts of rum, a vacuum cleaner, the bobbies, and my dear Auntie Cheroot. (A pity I can’t remember much of it.) What is the medium of choice you’ve indulged within said painting?


S: My favorite tools of the trade are a .5 mechanical pencil, a ballpoint pen, my airbrush and some of the rattiest brushes that I have. They paint the nicest hair believe it or not.WS: Ye gads, man. Ratty brushes indeed.
What are you working on now? And what would you like to work on in the future?
S: I’m working on a partial nude commission, and a Batman/Dark Knight Trilogy collage in preparation for the local comic con in April. For the future I’d like to certainly do more of what I just listed as well as more books with you, if you’re up for it.
WS: Indeed I am up for it, sir! (And did you mention a partial nude? I...see. I may have to visit your studio to complete this interview).
Quite, quite. Where can patrons of the arts hire you out, my dear fellow? Please make it easy on our readers and list your links (tacky as it may be).
S: Everyone can find me on Facebook.com/SiracIncArt or can email me at siracincart@gmail.com as well as sirac_inc@yahoo.comWS: Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Fine and jolly. Finally, I’d like to ask you something weighing heavily on my readers’ minds… What do you like most about me?
S: Ooh, that’s a tough one, well if I had to find something... (Crickets)...(More time passes)...(Any day now)...Well I guess it would be your writing!WS: Well, there you have the remarkable artiste, Sirac, dear readers. Please do pick up a copy of the extraordinary work of art, Don’tPut Gum in the Fish Bowl, by myself (and Sirac). It can be purchased at Barnes& Noble and the publisher’s website. Of course, if you don’t mind waiting, the laggards at Amazon offer it as well.
Published on March 23, 2018 03:00
March 16, 2018
Good-ol-boy Spam Smack-Down!
As a general rule, I don't answer phone calls from numbers I don't recognize. But, with the passing of our beloved dog, its been getting pretty lonely in the ol' house and I needed a writing break.
"Hello?"
"Hey, there! Can I speak to the woman of the house?"
"I'm sorry but she's not here right now," I say. "Can I take a mes--"
"How 'bout the man of the house then?"
It's weird already, 'cause I'm pretty sure I don't sound like a teenage girl. "This is he."
"Oh, great! Say, who'm I talking to?"
"Um, Stuart."
"Well, Stu, can I call you Stu?"
"Actually, I'd rather--"
"Stu, do ya' like country music? Who doesn't like country music?"
"I don't. Never have. I think it's--"
"I hear ya', buddy, I hear ya'." He chuckles. "I think it's great, too. You like Garth Brooks? How can you not like Garth Brooks?"
"I don't! I really can't stand country music and--"
"That's just fine, just fine. Say, I'm calling on behalf of the Kansas City Police Department and in honor of supportive citizens like you, Garth Brooks is gonna do a concert in conjunction with the Kansas City Police Department. What can I put you down for, Stu? Hundred bucks? How 'bout a hundred bucks? Garth Brooks is worth that and more and you and me both know, buddy, that our local police department is priceless."
I have to be careful now. He's drawn in the local cops, someone you don't want on your bad side. "For the final time, I don't like Garth Brooks. Please stop--"
"Any contribution would be nice, Stu. Don't be one of those people who don't support the community."
Silence. Long pause. I'm considering what an awful citizen I am for loathing country music. "Um, I gotta TV dinner in the--"
"Just a small donation, Stu. What can I put you down for? One hundred? Two hundred?"
Like arguing with a brick wall. Yet, I imagined a police raid in my future if not handled cautiously.
Quietly--polite as those two gentlemen cartoon chipmunks--I uttered some sorta lame apology and hung up on him.
I showed him. This time, he'd dialed the wrong victim. To let him know I'm no one to be trifled with, I stewed quietly in a mature hissy-fit. Country music. Hmmph.
Usually I shut these guys down quickly, hit 'em with the "I'm on a no-call list and I'm going to report you" spiel. A trick I learned from my wife, an expert at dealing with these spammers.
But this "good ol-boy" guy? I couldn't get my spiel in around his spiel. Non-stop, he rattled on and blind-sided me with his horrific accusation that I actually enjoyed country music.
Turns out he's relentless, too. I get about four calls a year from him. We're buddies now. Or maybe more like casual work acquaintances. Last time he called me, I hit him with, "Yeah, I remember you, you've called me three times already this year. I'm on a no-call list and--"
Then he has the gall--the absolute GALL--to hang up on me! I've NEVER had a spammer hang up on me. Next time I'll show him! I've got his number tagged as "Good Ol' Boy Spammer" and look forward to his future calls! So I can handle it maturely and responsibly and hang up on him before he does it to me first!
Clearly, some spammers were raised in a barn.
Speaking of all things mature, why not check out my first children's book, Don't Put Gum in the Fish Bowl? (Although written under the name "Wesley Stuart," that's my mug on the back cover.) Give it to your children or the immature man of the house. But it at Amazon or the publisher's website.
"Hello?"
"Hey, there! Can I speak to the woman of the house?"

"How 'bout the man of the house then?"
It's weird already, 'cause I'm pretty sure I don't sound like a teenage girl. "This is he."
"Oh, great! Say, who'm I talking to?"
"Um, Stuart."
"Well, Stu, can I call you Stu?"
"Actually, I'd rather--"
"Stu, do ya' like country music? Who doesn't like country music?"
"I don't. Never have. I think it's--"
"I hear ya', buddy, I hear ya'." He chuckles. "I think it's great, too. You like Garth Brooks? How can you not like Garth Brooks?"
"I don't! I really can't stand country music and--"
"That's just fine, just fine. Say, I'm calling on behalf of the Kansas City Police Department and in honor of supportive citizens like you, Garth Brooks is gonna do a concert in conjunction with the Kansas City Police Department. What can I put you down for, Stu? Hundred bucks? How 'bout a hundred bucks? Garth Brooks is worth that and more and you and me both know, buddy, that our local police department is priceless."
I have to be careful now. He's drawn in the local cops, someone you don't want on your bad side. "For the final time, I don't like Garth Brooks. Please stop--"
"Any contribution would be nice, Stu. Don't be one of those people who don't support the community."
Silence. Long pause. I'm considering what an awful citizen I am for loathing country music. "Um, I gotta TV dinner in the--"
"Just a small donation, Stu. What can I put you down for? One hundred? Two hundred?"
Like arguing with a brick wall. Yet, I imagined a police raid in my future if not handled cautiously.
Quietly--polite as those two gentlemen cartoon chipmunks--I uttered some sorta lame apology and hung up on him.
I showed him. This time, he'd dialed the wrong victim. To let him know I'm no one to be trifled with, I stewed quietly in a mature hissy-fit. Country music. Hmmph.
Usually I shut these guys down quickly, hit 'em with the "I'm on a no-call list and I'm going to report you" spiel. A trick I learned from my wife, an expert at dealing with these spammers.
But this "good ol-boy" guy? I couldn't get my spiel in around his spiel. Non-stop, he rattled on and blind-sided me with his horrific accusation that I actually enjoyed country music.
Turns out he's relentless, too. I get about four calls a year from him. We're buddies now. Or maybe more like casual work acquaintances. Last time he called me, I hit him with, "Yeah, I remember you, you've called me three times already this year. I'm on a no-call list and--"
Then he has the gall--the absolute GALL--to hang up on me! I've NEVER had a spammer hang up on me. Next time I'll show him! I've got his number tagged as "Good Ol' Boy Spammer" and look forward to his future calls! So I can handle it maturely and responsibly and hang up on him before he does it to me first!
Clearly, some spammers were raised in a barn.
Speaking of all things mature, why not check out my first children's book, Don't Put Gum in the Fish Bowl? (Although written under the name "Wesley Stuart," that's my mug on the back cover.) Give it to your children or the immature man of the house. But it at Amazon or the publisher's website.

Published on March 16, 2018 03:00
March 9, 2018
Kryptonian Super-Pants!


So while super-fighting super bad guys, you'd think Supergirl would benefit from some super-pants. Alas, it's not the case. In our current, hyper-sensitive Me-Too era (absolutely no thanks to our sub-super-president), Supergirl's still out there battling super bads while wearing a super mini-skirt.
Barely functional. Let alone super. I mean you don't see Superman flying the skies sporting a super banana hammock.
Let's super break this super double-standard down. While Supergirl's cruising over the city, she's shooting super-moon. When she gets knocked on her super arse, her ankles are up around her super ears. Sure, her super mini-skirt frees up her legs a bit to super high kick to the joy of teen boys, but still...enough's enough. Even Supergirl's bad gals and guys wear super-slacks, no super wardrobe-challenged fools in the face of danger.
We need to start a petition. It's 2018. Let's give Supergirl the super-slacks she deserves! Power to the pants! Bitches be wearing britches (sorry, couldn't resist)!
Have you checked out my super-fun books?

Published on March 09, 2018 03:00
March 2, 2018
Great Cover Artist Jeffrey Kosh Grilled (and Well-Done!)!
Today, on Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley, I’m stoked—stoked, I tell you!—to have special guest, Jeffrey Kosh. Who is Jeffrey Kosh, I hear you asking? Only one of the most talented book cover artists I’ve had the pleasure to work with. Just check out his awesome cover for my book, Dread and Breakfast.
But, as much as it pains me, enough chit-chat about me. Let’s move onto grilling Jeffrey. (His front side’s nearly done, time to flip him…)
SRW: What’s up, Jeffrey? Thanks for consenting to a thorough grilling.
JK: My pleasure. However, I demand to be served with a side of jacked or roasted potatoes, if you don’t mind. I love potatoes.
SRW: Fair enough. (Adding a lil' seasoning.) Let’s start at the beginning… I see you studied art at Primo Liceo Artistico di Roma, a college in Rome. Tell us a little about that.
JK: I always had a knack for art; I used to spend time drawing even when I shouldn’t. In addition, being born in Rome (Italy), I was surrounded by so much art that it was impossible for my creative mind to not be affected by it. Hence, it was natural for me to join this prestigious art school. But I must be honest, I learned almost next to nothing there. All the techniques I use today in my craft are self-taught. Back in my time, colleges were quite bad in Italy; there was not much passion burning inside poorly-paid teachers and no place for innovation. Nowadays it’s different. That very art college now has computers, graphic software, and excellent teachers.
SRW: Did your studies prepare you for the dark, macabre extremes your work would lead you to? Or are you a self-taught, disturbed individual?
JK: I have always loved horror. And this put me into trouble often at school. All my craft had a darker tone that was not really appreciated by my mentors. Later, I discovered some great American fantasy artists that really influenced my style: Caldwell, Elmore, Frazetta, Parkinson. Call me sexist, but I love creating images featuring improbable bikini chain-mail wearing babes swinging big swords. Exactly like my idol: Clyde Caldwell.
SRW: Some day I hope to see an actual bikini chain-mail wearing babe. You’re somewhat of a Renaissance Man, Jeffrey. Not only are you an artiste extraordinaire, but you’ve acted, and written several books and a ton of short stories as well! Is this just your way of shirking corporate drudgery?
JK: I consider myself an artist first, and a hobbyist storyteller next. As for being an actor… Well, I was mostly a figurant with very limited speech. I like to experience things. I was a cowboy hand (a really poor one, especially with the lasso; heck, I can’t throw that thing right even today) in Arizona, a receptionist in a timeshare resort in Kissimmee, Florida, and an apprentice in a famous TV show (I did nothing, I was there just to learn and help), and ended up working as a terrible bartender in an English pub. The majority of my life I spent working as a mortician. My first wife was the owner of a funeral parlor. In Thailand I had my first ‘major’ role in a movie (I was a generic modern-day pirate in Far Cry 3: The Experience) and it was at that time that I felt the need to start writing.
SRW: (Hmm...I wonder if I need to see both Far Cry and Far Cry 2 to fully appreciate Far Cry 3... I'm on it!) I’ve read your walking dead/pirate novel, Dead Men Tell No Tales, and highly recommend it. You certainly write with the eye of an artist. I spent a long, long, LONG time as a corporate artist of tedium. It certainly didn’t allow me to express my creative side, but rather sucked it dry. Do you find the two talents complement one another? Do you prefer one over the other?
JK: Honestly, I love writing. My head is full of stories and I like to share them. But that doesn’t bring the food to the cave nowadays. The market is flooded. People are getting used to buying books for 99c. Luckily, after many years of doing many jobs I didn’t like, I decided to try my hand at my own business. A writer friend of mine pushed me into this (Hi, Jaime Johnesee! Yes, I’m talking about you) and she was right. I’m finally doing a job I really enjoy and that has reconnected me with the world of filmmakers (I have done many movie posters in the last two years). I’m finally happy being my own boss. And I am a terrible boss.
SRW: Okay, let’s get specific. You’ve told me you work in 3-D modeling. In layman’s terms (i.e. without being boring), walk us through this process. And you will lose points if you’re boring.
JK: I started this job with photo manipulation. But I didn’t like it. You were limited with what you could find online and what the commissioner supplied (not much, because exclusive stock photos can be expensive and many of my clients were struggling indie writers). I discovered that there are certain programs — once only used by CGI artists for movies, but now commercially available to the general public — that allows you to create your own models, dress them the way you want, and finally put them in the right pose. The programs themselves are not expensive, but the content… Well, to have a big library of models, props, scenery, and clothes you’ll need to shell out some of your hard-earned dough. In addition, you’ll need a computer with a lot of RAM, a powerful graphic card, and computing power. I put money aside and finally turned my job into what I always wanted: a virtual movie studio where I can set everything like a director. See? I didn’t go too technical.
SRW: I love that your cover work looks like paintings and includes details particular to the actual novels. I know this may sound like a no-brainer statement, but after having been force fed stock photography on 18 of my novels’ covers, your work is a refreshing change of pace. I don’t like seeing fashion models on my covers. Do you consider yourself on the cutting edge of cover artistry? Can we look forward to more of this in the future and fewer Chippendale dancers on covers?
JK: I wish the trend would change. Honestly, like you I’m fed up with all those ‘headless torso’ book covers. I’m old style; I’m in love with those ‘80s paperbacks that featured unique images from great artists. I love movie posters that show you just one mysterious and intriguing image (The Silence of the Lambs, for example). Mind you, I’m forced to create a lot of stuff I don’t like in my job, and I do it gladly because that brings the bread to the table, so to speak. I don’t think this trend will change. Actually, I’m quite pessimistic; it will get worse.
SRW: I think your art’s spectacular, Jeffrey. Clearly so do the smarty-pants guys of Grinning Skull Press, as they’ve hired you for a slew of excellent covers. Let’s look at some of them…
Natch, there’s Dread and Breakfast. It blew me away. Not only was it evocative and fit my tale, but it reminded me of the classic horror covers Tor Publications put out in the ‘80’s by Robert Bloch, Charles L. Grant, and other writing greats. Were those covers an inspiration?
JK: Of course they were. As I said, I love old style. To me those were covers that lured me to buy great (and even not so great) fiction. For Dread and Breakfast, I immediately had the idea of the house and the skull. But I had not read the book, so I mistakenly plunged the whole scenario under a rainstorm. Michael Evans, Grinning Skull’s acquisition editor, told me that the story was set during a snowstorm, so I had to redo it. I read the back blurb and got intrigued; it made me think about Motel Hell, an ‘80s slasher flick. So, I thought, ‘I’m gonna buy this one once the paperback goes out.’ I did it. And I was pleasantly surprised: it wasn’t at all like Motel Hell. It was one million times better. I loved all the characters and the way the story unfolds.
SRW: Ah, thanks for that, Jeffrey. Let's just take a moment and bask in Dread and Breakfast love... Sigh. Moving on... Here we have Substratum. Channeling your inner H.R. Giger?
JK: This was a difficult one. It was described to me as something like the Alien Queen in Cameron’s Aliens, but set on Earth in the Roaring Twenties. I had no idea what to invent, and I had no time to read the book. So, yes, I took inspiration from one of my favorite sculptors, Mr. Giger.
SRW: I’ve noticed you’re also very good at how you handle cover fonts. How important do you think fonts are to a good cover? Any trade secrets you’re willing to let us in on?
JK: Fonts are extremely important. I've seen wonderful fonts being wasted on the wrong cover, or beautiful covers with unreadable fonts. Sadly, there's no secret trick; it's just a question of composition. There is only one way to learn: climb on someone's else shoulders, look at what other artists do for successful and striking images.
SRW: Hey, here’s Reunion. Look out! I believe this book is one of Grinning Skull’s top sellers with your cover acting as "gotcha" bait for readers. (I know I’m reading it now.) Scarier than the infamous Jaws poster, what inspired this work?
JK: You said it. Jaws inspired me. But I went more close, I wanted to see only the teeth of that creature. After all, it’s not really a shark…
SRW: Your covers for the charity-driven, holiday short story Deathlehem series, are a bunch of mini-masterpieces. Lined up together, they form a nice triptych (yeah, okay, I know there’re four in the series now, but I’ve always wanted to use that word), ready for wall-hanging. Did you envision this as a series? And how much leeway do the Grinning Skulls give you on cover ideas?
JK: O’ Little Town of Deathlehem was my first commissioned work from Grinning Skull. It was a pain in the side to realize. At that time I had no 3D program to help me and all was made by cutting and pasting different images. The second one was much easier to do. The third had to be the final one, so we opted for an image that contained the first cover in it (I was inspired by The Grinch movie poster for this). My favorite one is the last: TheShadow Over Deathlehem. Here I had free reign. The title made me think about the cover of the Call of Cthulhu role-playing game’s supplement Escape from Innsmouth. There was this guy hiding behind a wall, his face contracted in horror as he watched the shadows of some Deep Ones growing inside an alley. I wanted to pay homage to John T. Snyder. Here we have Vicky – one of my recurring polygonal models – hiding behind the wall. She looks more battered than the original guy, as if she had just come out of a bad encounter with the Krampus that is stalking her. And we see the beast’s shadow growing in the alley. Except, this monster knows where its prey is hiding.
SRW: Finally, here’s one of your more disturbing pieces (and that’s saying a lot), the just released The Goat Parade. Yow! I alternately want to read this book and keep it at arm’s bay due to that twisted cover. What kind of damaged childhood did you have, Jeffrey? Explain yourself.
JK: A good childhood, actually. That’s how Caravaggio would do this cover (a real painter, unlike me); holy and profane, light and shadow. There is no other cover that can fit the story in this book. I don’t want to spoil it, so read it and you will understand.
SRW: I’ve only tapped the keg on your cover work. Are there any you’re particularly fond of that I didn’t mention?
JK: Oh, there are so many. I’m particularly proud of the movie poster I did for Fragile Storm, a short feature that won many awards around the globe. Then there’s Lost Girl of the Lake, my own The Haunter of theMoor , and so many I can’t remember. Each one is unique.
SRW: Okay, before we wrap this up, I’ve got to ask… What’s the deal with the acting? What’s the most embarrassing acting you’ve done (I’d have to go back to junior high school for mine)?
JK: It was on the set of Far Cry 3. I had to simulate being killed by an explosion. I acted really bad and was not selected for that scene. Not a big deal because in the end the whole sequence was cut off.
SRW: Anything you’re working on at the moment, art or writing?
JK: I’m finishing my first novel in a trilogy. I’m taking my time with this one because is something totally different from my usual fare. It’s a fantasy comedy based on tabletop role-playing games. It’s a work of love dedicated to all those old geeks that used to spend hours around a table fighting dragons and stealing treasure from dungeons. Comedy is a very complex thing.
SRW: Don't I know it. Where can people find more about you? Maybe give you a hire. And, hey, folks! Jeffrey admits he’s cheap, too!
JK: You can see my portfolio here: https://jeffreykosh.wixsite.com/jeffreykoshgraphicsOr you can visit my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/jeffreykoshgraphicsI also have an author website: https://jeffreykosh.wixsite.com/jeffreykoshBut you can just look for my name in your preferred search engine and you’ll find all the places I’m featured (including Imdb).
SRW: Thanks for being a good sport, Jeffrey. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do for my upcoming horror short story collection from Grinning Skull Press, entitled (uncannily enough) Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley!
JK: It has been a pleasure. Now, can I have some potatoes?

SRW: What’s up, Jeffrey? Thanks for consenting to a thorough grilling.
JK: My pleasure. However, I demand to be served with a side of jacked or roasted potatoes, if you don’t mind. I love potatoes.
SRW: Fair enough. (Adding a lil' seasoning.) Let’s start at the beginning… I see you studied art at Primo Liceo Artistico di Roma, a college in Rome. Tell us a little about that.
JK: I always had a knack for art; I used to spend time drawing even when I shouldn’t. In addition, being born in Rome (Italy), I was surrounded by so much art that it was impossible for my creative mind to not be affected by it. Hence, it was natural for me to join this prestigious art school. But I must be honest, I learned almost next to nothing there. All the techniques I use today in my craft are self-taught. Back in my time, colleges were quite bad in Italy; there was not much passion burning inside poorly-paid teachers and no place for innovation. Nowadays it’s different. That very art college now has computers, graphic software, and excellent teachers.

JK: I have always loved horror. And this put me into trouble often at school. All my craft had a darker tone that was not really appreciated by my mentors. Later, I discovered some great American fantasy artists that really influenced my style: Caldwell, Elmore, Frazetta, Parkinson. Call me sexist, but I love creating images featuring improbable bikini chain-mail wearing babes swinging big swords. Exactly like my idol: Clyde Caldwell.
SRW: Some day I hope to see an actual bikini chain-mail wearing babe. You’re somewhat of a Renaissance Man, Jeffrey. Not only are you an artiste extraordinaire, but you’ve acted, and written several books and a ton of short stories as well! Is this just your way of shirking corporate drudgery?
JK: I consider myself an artist first, and a hobbyist storyteller next. As for being an actor… Well, I was mostly a figurant with very limited speech. I like to experience things. I was a cowboy hand (a really poor one, especially with the lasso; heck, I can’t throw that thing right even today) in Arizona, a receptionist in a timeshare resort in Kissimmee, Florida, and an apprentice in a famous TV show (I did nothing, I was there just to learn and help), and ended up working as a terrible bartender in an English pub. The majority of my life I spent working as a mortician. My first wife was the owner of a funeral parlor. In Thailand I had my first ‘major’ role in a movie (I was a generic modern-day pirate in Far Cry 3: The Experience) and it was at that time that I felt the need to start writing.
SRW: (Hmm...I wonder if I need to see both Far Cry and Far Cry 2 to fully appreciate Far Cry 3... I'm on it!) I’ve read your walking dead/pirate novel, Dead Men Tell No Tales, and highly recommend it. You certainly write with the eye of an artist. I spent a long, long, LONG time as a corporate artist of tedium. It certainly didn’t allow me to express my creative side, but rather sucked it dry. Do you find the two talents complement one another? Do you prefer one over the other?

SRW: Okay, let’s get specific. You’ve told me you work in 3-D modeling. In layman’s terms (i.e. without being boring), walk us through this process. And you will lose points if you’re boring.
JK: I started this job with photo manipulation. But I didn’t like it. You were limited with what you could find online and what the commissioner supplied (not much, because exclusive stock photos can be expensive and many of my clients were struggling indie writers). I discovered that there are certain programs — once only used by CGI artists for movies, but now commercially available to the general public — that allows you to create your own models, dress them the way you want, and finally put them in the right pose. The programs themselves are not expensive, but the content… Well, to have a big library of models, props, scenery, and clothes you’ll need to shell out some of your hard-earned dough. In addition, you’ll need a computer with a lot of RAM, a powerful graphic card, and computing power. I put money aside and finally turned my job into what I always wanted: a virtual movie studio where I can set everything like a director. See? I didn’t go too technical.
SRW: I love that your cover work looks like paintings and includes details particular to the actual novels. I know this may sound like a no-brainer statement, but after having been force fed stock photography on 18 of my novels’ covers, your work is a refreshing change of pace. I don’t like seeing fashion models on my covers. Do you consider yourself on the cutting edge of cover artistry? Can we look forward to more of this in the future and fewer Chippendale dancers on covers?
JK: I wish the trend would change. Honestly, like you I’m fed up with all those ‘headless torso’ book covers. I’m old style; I’m in love with those ‘80s paperbacks that featured unique images from great artists. I love movie posters that show you just one mysterious and intriguing image (The Silence of the Lambs, for example). Mind you, I’m forced to create a lot of stuff I don’t like in my job, and I do it gladly because that brings the bread to the table, so to speak. I don’t think this trend will change. Actually, I’m quite pessimistic; it will get worse.
SRW: I think your art’s spectacular, Jeffrey. Clearly so do the smarty-pants guys of Grinning Skull Press, as they’ve hired you for a slew of excellent covers. Let’s look at some of them…
Natch, there’s Dread and Breakfast. It blew me away. Not only was it evocative and fit my tale, but it reminded me of the classic horror covers Tor Publications put out in the ‘80’s by Robert Bloch, Charles L. Grant, and other writing greats. Were those covers an inspiration?
JK: Of course they were. As I said, I love old style. To me those were covers that lured me to buy great (and even not so great) fiction. For Dread and Breakfast, I immediately had the idea of the house and the skull. But I had not read the book, so I mistakenly plunged the whole scenario under a rainstorm. Michael Evans, Grinning Skull’s acquisition editor, told me that the story was set during a snowstorm, so I had to redo it. I read the back blurb and got intrigued; it made me think about Motel Hell, an ‘80s slasher flick. So, I thought, ‘I’m gonna buy this one once the paperback goes out.’ I did it. And I was pleasantly surprised: it wasn’t at all like Motel Hell. It was one million times better. I loved all the characters and the way the story unfolds.
SRW: Ah, thanks for that, Jeffrey. Let's just take a moment and bask in Dread and Breakfast love... Sigh. Moving on... Here we have Substratum. Channeling your inner H.R. Giger?

SRW: I’ve noticed you’re also very good at how you handle cover fonts. How important do you think fonts are to a good cover? Any trade secrets you’re willing to let us in on?
JK: Fonts are extremely important. I've seen wonderful fonts being wasted on the wrong cover, or beautiful covers with unreadable fonts. Sadly, there's no secret trick; it's just a question of composition. There is only one way to learn: climb on someone's else shoulders, look at what other artists do for successful and striking images.
SRW: Hey, here’s Reunion. Look out! I believe this book is one of Grinning Skull’s top sellers with your cover acting as "gotcha" bait for readers. (I know I’m reading it now.) Scarier than the infamous Jaws poster, what inspired this work?

SRW: Your covers for the charity-driven, holiday short story Deathlehem series, are a bunch of mini-masterpieces. Lined up together, they form a nice triptych (yeah, okay, I know there’re four in the series now, but I’ve always wanted to use that word), ready for wall-hanging. Did you envision this as a series? And how much leeway do the Grinning Skulls give you on cover ideas?



SRW: I’ve only tapped the keg on your cover work. Are there any you’re particularly fond of that I didn’t mention?
JK: Oh, there are so many. I’m particularly proud of the movie poster I did for Fragile Storm, a short feature that won many awards around the globe. Then there’s Lost Girl of the Lake, my own The Haunter of theMoor , and so many I can’t remember. Each one is unique.


JK: It was on the set of Far Cry 3. I had to simulate being killed by an explosion. I acted really bad and was not selected for that scene. Not a big deal because in the end the whole sequence was cut off.
SRW: Anything you’re working on at the moment, art or writing?
JK: I’m finishing my first novel in a trilogy. I’m taking my time with this one because is something totally different from my usual fare. It’s a fantasy comedy based on tabletop role-playing games. It’s a work of love dedicated to all those old geeks that used to spend hours around a table fighting dragons and stealing treasure from dungeons. Comedy is a very complex thing.
SRW: Don't I know it. Where can people find more about you? Maybe give you a hire. And, hey, folks! Jeffrey admits he’s cheap, too!
JK: You can see my portfolio here: https://jeffreykosh.wixsite.com/jeffreykoshgraphicsOr you can visit my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/jeffreykoshgraphicsI also have an author website: https://jeffreykosh.wixsite.com/jeffreykoshBut you can just look for my name in your preferred search engine and you’ll find all the places I’m featured (including Imdb).
SRW: Thanks for being a good sport, Jeffrey. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do for my upcoming horror short story collection from Grinning Skull Press, entitled (uncannily enough) Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley!
JK: It has been a pleasure. Now, can I have some potatoes?
Published on March 02, 2018 03:00
February 23, 2018
Night of the Living Pretentious Guy

At one of these upper-scale joints (so upper-scale, I had to actually iron khakis!), we found ourselves enjoying some excellent food. However, the place was dark and murky, full of interior bubble windows, adorned with odd, swooping walls, and splashed with dour and shimmering aquas and teals: the ambiance of an aquarium. Worse, the tables were so close to one another, I became extremely familiar with the waiter's butt.
And then THEY sat down next to us.
At first, they seemed harmless enough: an older couple and a younger couple (I envied the guy because HE got to wear jeans). That's where my envy stopped. Desperate to impress the older couple (I kinda assumed they were the younger gal's parents), the young guy wouldn't--couldn't--shut up. When he wasn't bragging about himself, he let the world know about his seemingly endless array of impressive best friends who'd done everything from curing cancer to revolutionizing the world of cuisine.
"My best friend's the head chef at The Drunken Antler," he bragged. "I guarantee it'll change the way you see beef."
An actual quote! (The only way I ever see beef is on a plate; definitely NOT the cute barnyard animals. But now that this has been imprinted on my brain, I just might have to go vegetarian.)
"When you go," Mr. Hotcha continued, "I need to be the one to take you. I want to study the look of satisfaction on your face."
Noooooooo! Trapped, nowhere to go, uncomfortable in my khakis, I was held captive to the relentless pontificating.
"My other best friend is a world-class mixologist in Portland. He's created some top-of-the-line tastes and drinks, the best anywhere."
Make it stop! Please!
But the younger guy didn't. I don't think he could. Like a Hyde persona, the driving force of pretentiousness swept him away. He monopolized our waiter (although to be fair, I got a lotta butt-face time with him), and soon Mr. Too-Cool-For-School somehow roped the bartender into his growing cult.
This time the older guy (run, potential father-in-law, run fast and hard!) reiterated all of Mr. Young Pretentious Guy's brags to the bartender.
The bartender, squirmy and ill-at-ease, jut out a stand-up comic's hand, and said, "You know, I just mix drinks, and sometimes, you know, I add stuff to 'em. You know." With a perpetual grimace on his face and a finger working loose his collar, the bartender couldn't wait to escape back to the safety of his bar. We felt his pain.
Having run out of best friends to yak about, Mr. Pompous decided the time had come for him to wax on about himself. And wax on he did. "The other day, I gave a presentation (snootily pronounced "PREE-san-tation"), and made sure to run long, carrying over into our lunch break. I've found that's the most efficient way to present my case and keep the nay-sayers' questions at bay. Quite an effective tool."
Only tool I saw was sporting trendy and perfectly manicured 5:00 shadow.
We gobbled and got out before the pretentiousness rubbed off on us.
Beware the pretentious, ladies and gents. They're out there. Waiting. Lurking. Pontificating.
There's not an ounce of pretentiousness in Nightmare of Nannies. Just good ol' fashioned mystery and stoopid comedy.

Published on February 23, 2018 03:00
February 16, 2018
Missing: Hipster Refrigerator Fix-It Guy
Oh, Daniel, I hardly knew ye...
Have you seen me?Last Tuesday, Daniel the hipster fix-it guy, ambled into my home and heart. Backpack slung over his shoulder, he carried with him a sense of confidence rarely found in the appliance trade. I admired his carefully nurtured facial fuzz. I envied his clunky, yet trendy dark-framed glasses (the kind that people used to make fun of you for wearing), while he rambled on about frig gizmos and sensor what's-its and electrical doo-dads. All very technical, all very boring.
But Daniel was far from boring! Bromance was in the air! (Or maybe that was the musty smell coming from the refrigerator.)
After Daniel'd finished his examination, he casually leaned over our kitchen counter and explained how messed up our refrigerator was.
"But...but, Daniel," I said, "the refrigerator shouldn't be freezing food, right? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but freezing food is the freezer's job."
With a sigh, Daniel explained more technical bla, bla, bla and other excruciating nonsense. I nodded as if I understood him, because I didn't want to appear dumb in Danny's eyes. (By this time, I'd advanced to calling him "Danny," such is the power of male bonding over appliances).
Bottom line was our refrigerator had been hit by a faulty sensor. Or something close to that.
"Huh," I said. "Does that explain why the light goes off when we open the doors, then turns on again when we shut them? Like in Bizarro World?"
Through narrowed eyes, he glowered at me. Extremely unamused. Somewhere our burgeoning bromance had taken a wrong turn. Finally, he pitched up bony hipster shoulders and broke the agonizing silence. "Can't really tell you what's causing the light thing, man."
His answer didn't exactly instill confidence. But his coolness certainly did.
"I guess we need to put that sensor in," I said.
Danny typed in some numbers on his phone, handed it to me, and said, "$180 bucks. I don't have the part on me so I'll need to order it. But you gotta pay first, dude."
"Okay." I paid. "Um, can I get a receipt?"
"Sorry, dude, everything's electronic now. See you next Tuesday."
"Ah... But--"
Too late. Danny rushed out of the house and out of my life.
For good as it later turned out.
Tuesday rolled around again. No sign of Danny. I called the fix-it, what's-it company.
"Where's Danny?" I asked.
"I wish I knew," said the woman. Hardly an encouraging sign.
"What?"
"Daniel's gone missing. We haven't seen or heard from him in several days."
Stunned, I opened the refrigerator and stared wistfully at all of the frozen food. "Um...is he missing or, you know, missing-missing? Like vanished?"
"Missing-missing. Sorry for the inconvenience."
Immediately the smell of skullduggery stunk up the place. A mystery of epic, Encyclopedia Brown proportions! Clearly, Danny was either dead or had absconded to Mexico with our 180 bucks.
If you'd like to read about an entire bread and breakfast's worth of skullduggery, check into the Dandy Drop Inn! An acclaimed horror thriller to warm up your cold, winter nights: Click here for Dread and Breakfast!
THIS JUST IN! REFRIGERATOR-GUY POST-SCRIPT:
Guess who comes knocking at the door the next day? Yep, Daniel (He's back to being regular "Daniel" now as he never calls, never texts, never shows up...). He mutters some lame excuses about how his phone stopped working, then he got sick. Hmph. He called it a "communication malfunction (kinda like a "wardrobe malfunction," I assume, only with words instead of bared flesh)." I didn't buy it. Too little, too late. I officially declared the bromance OVER!
(I realize this was hardly an exciting endto my tale of suspense and bromance, but sometimes truth is, um, more boring than fiction. Don't judge Dread and Breakfast by the pedestrian conclusion here!)

But Daniel was far from boring! Bromance was in the air! (Or maybe that was the musty smell coming from the refrigerator.)
After Daniel'd finished his examination, he casually leaned over our kitchen counter and explained how messed up our refrigerator was.
"But...but, Daniel," I said, "the refrigerator shouldn't be freezing food, right? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but freezing food is the freezer's job."
With a sigh, Daniel explained more technical bla, bla, bla and other excruciating nonsense. I nodded as if I understood him, because I didn't want to appear dumb in Danny's eyes. (By this time, I'd advanced to calling him "Danny," such is the power of male bonding over appliances).
Bottom line was our refrigerator had been hit by a faulty sensor. Or something close to that.
"Huh," I said. "Does that explain why the light goes off when we open the doors, then turns on again when we shut them? Like in Bizarro World?"
Through narrowed eyes, he glowered at me. Extremely unamused. Somewhere our burgeoning bromance had taken a wrong turn. Finally, he pitched up bony hipster shoulders and broke the agonizing silence. "Can't really tell you what's causing the light thing, man."
His answer didn't exactly instill confidence. But his coolness certainly did.
"I guess we need to put that sensor in," I said.
Danny typed in some numbers on his phone, handed it to me, and said, "$180 bucks. I don't have the part on me so I'll need to order it. But you gotta pay first, dude."
"Okay." I paid. "Um, can I get a receipt?"
"Sorry, dude, everything's electronic now. See you next Tuesday."
"Ah... But--"
Too late. Danny rushed out of the house and out of my life.
For good as it later turned out.
Tuesday rolled around again. No sign of Danny. I called the fix-it, what's-it company.
"Where's Danny?" I asked.
"I wish I knew," said the woman. Hardly an encouraging sign.
"What?"
"Daniel's gone missing. We haven't seen or heard from him in several days."
Stunned, I opened the refrigerator and stared wistfully at all of the frozen food. "Um...is he missing or, you know, missing-missing? Like vanished?"
"Missing-missing. Sorry for the inconvenience."
Immediately the smell of skullduggery stunk up the place. A mystery of epic, Encyclopedia Brown proportions! Clearly, Danny was either dead or had absconded to Mexico with our 180 bucks.
If you'd like to read about an entire bread and breakfast's worth of skullduggery, check into the Dandy Drop Inn! An acclaimed horror thriller to warm up your cold, winter nights: Click here for Dread and Breakfast!

THIS JUST IN! REFRIGERATOR-GUY POST-SCRIPT:
Guess who comes knocking at the door the next day? Yep, Daniel (He's back to being regular "Daniel" now as he never calls, never texts, never shows up...). He mutters some lame excuses about how his phone stopped working, then he got sick. Hmph. He called it a "communication malfunction (kinda like a "wardrobe malfunction," I assume, only with words instead of bared flesh)." I didn't buy it. Too little, too late. I officially declared the bromance OVER!
(I realize this was hardly an exciting endto my tale of suspense and bromance, but sometimes truth is, um, more boring than fiction. Don't judge Dread and Breakfast by the pedestrian conclusion here!)
Published on February 16, 2018 03:00