D.A. Cairns's Blog, page 9

relationDips: rules of engagement (culinary)

Anarchists feel that rules are like prison bars, so do rebellious teenagers. There is something of the rebel in all of us: it's human nature. However, most of us learn to accept rules and acknowledge that, paradoxically, although they do impose restrictions, they also provide freedom.

For example, I feel safe and free when I drive because of the road rules, and my faith that the majority of my fellow motorists know the rules and obey them. We all bend these rules to some extent, but generally we acquiesce to the order they impose.

Relationships require rules. They may seldom be called rules, and are often spoken negotiated agreements rather than codified laws, but they are invariably established within all relationships. Sometimes, they just happen as in one person's reaction to the other's breach of an unspoken rule which results in an apology and a promise to "never do that again". At other times, they are more purposefully constructed. A person entering a second marriage will want to discuss the issues which contributed to the demise of their first marriage in an effort to make sure the mistakes of the past are not repeated.

My wife and I discussed big issues like money, sex and parenting before we married. It was the second time around for both of us and we each wanted to ensure that we understood the other's expectations. An early obstacle for us was religion. I'm a protestant Christian and she is a Roman Catholic Christian. Despite our mutual faith in Christ, we had to deal with the matter of church rules versus the teaching of the Bible. We agreed to be tolerant, and not to force each other. We agreed to disagree about somethings. For example, the Catholic rule which prevents my devoted wife from ever taking communion because she is a divorcee. I strongly disagree with this church rule, but I respect my wife's right to accept it. This has become a "rule" in our relationship which we both understand and adhere to, and within which we are free and feel safe. She knows I will not go on about it, nor criticize her or force her to do something about it.

[image error] Another catholic church rule which is not Biblical is abstaining from meat on Fridays. I understand this is a mark of respect for Christ who was crucified on a Friday. However, my understanding of the Bible is that we are free to eat whatever we want to, whenever we want to. Peter's vision is instructive, but Paul adds some words about food in relation to respecting other people which also need to be taken into consideration.

In the continued search for more common ground, I decided to not eat meat on Fridays. It makes very little difference to me. Even though I eat meat almost everyday, I considered it an inconsequential sacrifice. My wife was overjoyed at this simple gesture. It is now something we do together to demonstrate our mutual faith in Christ, and to show respect to our Saviour and to each other. By doing this, I am being respectful rather than just talking about being respectful.

I eat well and regularly. My example has influenced her to not skip meals. I used to eat sandwiches and drink Coke everyday. Under her gentle influence, I have reduced my Coke consumption by half and dropped one of my lunch time sandwiches for a hot meal. Some of these changes were negotiated and others have just happened as result of the time we have spent together, positively impacting on each other's lives.

My wife once told me that she didn't like rules. At the time, I challenged her about this, but have since accepted it is not true, not as a blanket statement anyway. I don't go on about it. This is another example of one of our rules, but we don't need to be explicit about its existence. A good set of rules should just operate in the background, underpinning the relationship.

To finish I return to Paul's words:

Romans 14:3 "The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not everything must not judge the one who does, for God accepts both."

I  think this is an excellent culinary rule for healthy relationships, and by extension an admirable goal for relationships in general. What say you?

A Dog's Eye: Quiet please!

This post could have been a Snake Oil post, but it didn't quite fit. Having not written a Snake Oil post for some time, I wanted to, but if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. You can't put a square peg into a round hole...apparently.

Have you ever noticed sound discrepancies? You listen to a radio program and the announcer's voice comes through your speakers loud and clear. On the other hand, guests on the program or callers to the program, are soft and occasionally indecipherable. The ads which interrupt the shows you watch on television (and pay for them, btw) are much louder than the show. The action scenes in a movie deafen you, but the soft conversation scenes sound like mumbled babbling. Sometimes what you want to be loud is soft, and vice verca. 

Heavy metal music is better loud. Elevator music is better soft. Opera is better not heard at all. Cheering for your football team should be loud. Conversation is better soft. Verbal abuse better not heard at all. Singing praise and worship in God's house; loud. Comforting a heartbroken friend; soft. Inspiring words; loud. Romantic words: soft. Hateful words; better not spoken. 

Whether loud or soft there are many things I enjoy listening to, like a good sermon for example, and many things I do not, like barking dogs and motorcycles. Soft rain is nice. Heavy rain is annoying. Laughter is usually a pleasing sound except when it boils over into obnoxious or is an expression of ridicule.

Are you listening? There is a voice which has been speaking loudly and softly since the beginning of time. There are voices in your head which mirror this: a voice of truth and another voice. Turn the latter voice right down low. Switch it off if you can. Turn off all the the noise which distracts you, medicates you, even confuses you. Life can be a noisy beast. Find the quiet. Enjoy the soft silence. Listen to the the voice of truth, speaking in a whisper.

                                     

A Dog's Eye: Pell Fell

Australia's highest ranking Roman Catholic, Cardinal George Pell has been convicted of historical sex crimes against children and is now in prison. Pell is appealing the verdict and maintaining his innocence which is making many people angry. I've heard Christians say that he should rot in hell. I've heard other Christians say that he has disqualified himself from Heaven. Some suggest that a person who commits such heinous crimes can not, in fact, be a Christian.

I'm reminded of Jesus' handling of the woman caught in adultery when he addressed the crowd who wanted to stone the woman for her sin. "Let the person among you who is without sin throw the first stone," said Jesus. (John 8:7) The crowd dispersed. Angry mobs don't always respond with such humility. It's easier to focus on another person's sins than our own. It's easy to justify, excuse, and categorize sin. In complete contrast to most human reactions to sin, Jesus showed mercy to the woman. James says this, in his epistle: "For judgement without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment."(James 2:13)

The Royal Commission into institutionalized responses to child sex abuse heard thousands of submissions from victims which resulted in 2575 referrals to authorities, including but not limited to police. The Royal Commission final report said this: "The perpetrators of child sexual abuse in religious institutions were in many cases people that children most trusted and least suspected." The findings of the Commission are particularly damning for the Roman Catholic Church. Priests and teachers in Roman Catholic schools make up the highest number, by far, of child sexual abuse offenders.

Most people are outraged, shocked, saddened even sickened by the very thought of sexually abusing children, even though more children are abused in other ways than sexually. According to the Australian Institute of Family Studies  sexual abuse ranks only fourth in substantiated reports of harm to children. I'm not an expert, nor am I a victim, but I would suggest it's a mistake to consider any form of child abuse as worse than another. Australia wide substantiated reports of emotional abuse of  children in 2015/16 were three and half times higher than reports of sexual abuse.

Sex crimes get more attention, and if you took a poll, you would likely find that the sexual abuse of children is considered the worst of all crimes.

George Pell's case is incredible for many reasons. It literally defies belief that someone in his position, with his high profile and his power would do what he did. Why? Forgetting the fact that a particularly action is wrong, both morally and legally, why would such a person with so much to lose, risk everything?

Why do people abuse children? Why do people abuse other people, period? Why do people abuse substances? Why do  people do things they know are wrong? Why can't people understand there are fundamental flaws in human nature?

Returning to the issue of Roman Catholic Priests sexually abusing children: there is no way this is anything less than a disgusting and reprehensible abuse of power by deluded hypocrites. Enforced celibacy for priests is a likely part of the problem, but the church is saying it will continue to mandate celibacy. Celibacy is a gift according to the Bible. Celibacy is a choice for some people. Celibacy is certainly not something to be imposed. It is a denial of a major component of a person's humanity. It is a denial of reality. A delusion which has seen many men inside the church, not only the Roman Catholic Church, fall into sexual sin.

As for Cardinal Pell, I doubt he will burn or rot in hell, but I am not his judge. I am not qualified. I think his punishment has already been great: his opprobrium, his humiliation, his imprisonment. Pain for himself and his friends and family. Pain for the church. Pain for the community and pain for the victims of abuse who often become abuses of others, as well as drug and alcohol abusers. Some victims find these coping mechanisms ineffective, and simply chose to kill themselves rather than continue to deal with the pain.

Let's be honest, self aware and compassionate. Mercy triumphs over judgement.

The Mirror: The Orville

[image error] I love Star Trek. I've spent the last number of months (can't remember how many-maybe more than a year) working my way through nine seasons of Voyager and then seven seasons of Deep Space Nine. Now I'm waiting for season two of Discovery which Netflix has been promising for two months. What's a sci fi fan to do in the interim? Find another show to watch.

I accidentally discovered The Orville while watching season five of Vikings on SBS ondemand. I also decided to overlook the terrible film version of Lost in Space and give the rebooted series a go. The Orville is rocks and diamonds for me so far. I'm up to episode seven of season two. There are some very good episodes which deal with universal issues in that special "utopian Roddenberry" manner, but the humour is generally crude. The influence of Star Trek mythology is very obvious, but it doesn't quite hit the mark. Nevertheless, it has its moments like episode six of season two which I watched last night.

[image error] Dr Claire Finn (human) develops romantic feelings for Isaac (artificial intelligence life form) so she decides to ask him on a date. To Isaac this presents an opportunity for more research into human behaviour. For Claire, it's an also an experiment albeit one on a much more emotional level. Isaac doesn't know what's epxected of him so he seeks counsel from a male crew mate whom he perceives as being 'good with women'. They go on a date, then a second date which results in a love making session. Issac understands that his research is finished now so he ends the relationship. This hurts Claire and makes all Isaac's crew mates angry with him. Captain Mercer suggests that, in fact, the experiment isn't finished yet because he hasn't experienced the 'make up". So Isaac says sorry in an artificially intelligent romantic way, Claire accepts his apology and the relationship resumes.

His winning words: "My internal programs function more efficiently with you."

It's a really funny and clever episode exploring relationships, which are essentially all about emotion, through a highly unlikely "romance" between a human and an emotionless non-biological life form. Men are lampooned as useless with the emotional side of relationships, while women are at the other extreme; overly sentimental and illogical. Of course, these are grossly exaggerated stereotypes, but there are certain truths within, with which we can all identify.

Love is often said to be the key ingredient in a good relationship, but this is way too simplistic and superficial. Love itself is extremely complex. What constitutes genuine love may be fairly universally acknowledged, but it is not so widely practiced. Issac would probably call love 'a series of inefficient internal programs which adversely affect other programs.'

How would you define love? Can you do it with just three words. I challenge you.

A Dog's Eye: clutching at straws

I find myself of late, for a couple of months now actually, without anything much to say. Time has not been the issue. Desire has. In terms of my writing, I have felt uninspired.
Thankfully, I am not troubled by this. Every now and then, I think about opening my WIP file, chasing up all the beta readers who let me down, pushing my published works, beginning something new, banging out a short story, or disseminating some pithy piece of commentary here on Square Pegs. However, these are mere blips on the radar of my life these days.
True, my new job has forced a routine change, but so has more discipline re gym visits, and also the necessity of watching as much cricket as I can.
Waffle. Waffle. One of dad's favourite words. Miss you Dad! Speaking of favourite words...here are three* that have struck me recently. Polar Vortex, Extra** and Banana Freckle. First, an extreme weather event, then a brand of chewing gum which appropriately sponsors cricket umpires, and lastly a fruit disease which has only just been eradicated in the Northern Territory after a five year battle.
And with that overly long previous sentence and this one beginning ungrammatically with "and", I sign off until next time the capricious wind of muse blows.
*five words in fact** Extra is a brand of chewing gum made by Wrigley, but in cricket is refers to runs awarded to the batting team when the batsman has not hit the ball. For example, wides, no balls and byes.

A Dog's Eye: Wherever I may Roam

Six hours and fifty five minutes remain of 2018 as I write this. Time for a bit of reflection: my year in a nutshell, with healthy doses of gratitude.

This time last year, I had just arrived back in Darwin, hopeful, as many are on the eve of new year, that 2018 would be a good year. In particular, I prayed for an angel to come into my life. About a month later, she did. I met Bich on eHarmony, and we got married in August. God answered my prayer by bringing this awesome lady to me. She's here now in Wollongong with me, and we are enjoying quality time together before we face another long separation. It's been great to have her here celebrating Christmas with family, and hitting tourist hot spots around Sydney, Wollongong and Canberra.

After Easter I began my house sitting adventure, and also commenced my busiest ever period of travelling. My nana died, as did one of my best friends, I got married, and in October I was made redundant which ushered in a period of five weeks of unemployment before I got a great new job. We also had a second wedding celebration in Bich's home town.

So after three trips to Vietnam, three to Sydney/Wollongong, one to Brisbane and 19 house sits, I've racked up 20 individual plane flights and slept in 34 different beds, including 13 hotels, in eight months. 

It's been a tremendous year of personal growth as I have been "forced" to do a lot of letting go. The cultivation of thankfulness for what I have, and the practice of holding these things lightly. Letting go of the past, treasuring the present and trusting my faithful God for the future. 

I don't know what 2019 has in store for me, but I don't need to know. All I know is that God is good, and whatever comes my way, I'll make it through and I will be happy and thankful. Wherever I lay my head, however long I have to wait for my wife to be granted a permanent visa, regardless of my circumstances, I will give glory to God, and as Father Calvin suggested...I will live the Spirit of Christmas each day.

Peace and blessings to you for 2019. Happy New Year.

A Dog's Eye: the ant and the sluggard

Twenty nine years ago I shared a room with a bloke named Taz. The room was one of three in a house full of young Christian men from around the world. Taz and I hit upon a way of encouraging one another not to sleep in. As befit our circumstances we chose a bible verse to recite to one another should laziness attempt to chain us to our respective beds.

"Go to the ant you sluggard. Consider it's way and be wise..." - Proverbs 6:6-10

I started a new job four weeks ago, following five weeks of unemployment courtesy of being made redundant. I'm working harder now, for slightly less pay, but that is okay. I start work later, and finish later, but I have a little more flexibility. I've gone from a small, poorly run organisation to a large well run one, and I've left the classroom to become a teacher manager. And I love it.

Work is satisfying, stimulating and challenging. Hard work is its own reward: a cliche but nonetheless true. Rest is important. Balance between work and rest can be tricky. My new colleagues have welcomed me, and I sense a friendly, cooperative and supportive environment. They also work hard, and I find all this very encouraging.

We ended the year with a staff Christmas party yesterday, and while most of my workmates were breathing a large collective sigh of relief at having made it through a stressful, difficult year, I was, and am, simply feeling grateful to have been given this job. It has been a testing year for me too, professionally speaking, so I will enjoy the break. Three weeks to spend with my wife and family. Three weeks to reflect on what has been a remarkable year. Three weeks to not think about work. Three weeks to rest, and yet I will not forget the ant: its diligence, its organisation and provision.


Although working hard, being organised and budgeting wisely are admirable, I know that God is Jehovah Jireh, my ultimate provider. This is the main thing I have learned in 2018, but not the only thing.

relationDips: condiments

Using the broadest definition of the word, a condiment is a substance, sauce or herb, (I'm going to include spreads as well) added to food to enhance its flavour. There is an unbelievable number of different condiments available. Take a look in your pantry and your fridge and you'll probably find numerous examples...you may also want to check the use by dates on them while you're there.

There are really obvious and popular examples like salt and pepper, tomato sauce, mayonnaise and peanut butter. There are also less well known condiments such as caramelized balsamic vinegar, sesame spread, sambal oeleck and mango, lime and chili dressing.

The knowledge and or use of these various condiments depends on individual taste and culinary daring. I tend to steer away from the exotic ones and purposefully avoid such unpleasantries as Vegemite and worcestershire sauce. But each to their own right?

Most people add something to their food to improve the flavour because they want good taste: an enjoyable food experience, not just another boring meal. Usually, it's not the case that the food is bad, but more that it is better with a condiment: more exciting even.

His mates were thrilled when he announced that he was getting married. There was an explosion of handshaking and backslapping as he made the announcement over a round of beer at the local pub. They offered hearty congratulations and well wishes to him, except for one of his friends who asked, with zero tact, why the hell he would do that. Why would he tie himself to one woman for the rest of his life?

The mood at the table soured immediately as the man's joy was challenged by this one dissenting voice. The man sipped his beer, gathering his thoughts, before he replied to his friend's question, "Because women are not condiments."

Disgruntled, the friend who loved women in the same way he loved food, walked away. The celebrations resumed in the wake of his departure.

A Dog's Eye: Vietnam part 3 (faith in elephants)

Every now and then the elephant driver would appear to get a little frustrated with the beast beneath him. He was sitting on the elephant's neck, one leg on each side with his knees cocked behind the pachyderm's huge ears. When it slowed down or stopped, the driver would bounce on its neck and nudge it behind the ears while repeating some words of "encouragement".

I was with my mother and my daughter on the elephant. We sat in a relatively comfortable howdah with an umbrella to protect us from the sun. I was not worried about this journey even though I didn't know where we were going and how long exactly we would be gone. The other two passengers were far less sanguine. We traveled down a road through a lakeside village, in Vietnam's central highlands, and then entered the lake down a steep "ramp". Occasionally, the water was up to the elephant's shoulders which left our feet just above the water line.


We wore life jackets in case of an accident, and I'll admit there were a couple of times when I thought we might be having an unplanned swim. After roughly half an hour we finished our ride and climbed down on to solid ground, connected to it by the security of our own feet.

It required an element of faith for us to ride this mighty creature. We had to believe that it would behave itself, and if it didn't, that the driver would be able to control it. Being a visitor in an overseas nation, and being able to enjoy that experience also requires some faith. Control ebbs away under the direction of locals who, despite some language obstacles, we trust. In our case, my wife was in complete control and what a champion she was. She did an amazing job of organizing things for us and protecting us from being ripped off. It was relatively easy to trust her. I mean I married her, so...



Nevertheless, there is a sense in which having to trust others makes us feel uncomfortable. Allowing others to make decisions for us, takes away our power, it violates our independence. For some people, the land of interdependence is a foreign country they have never visited- nor do they wish to. Taking risks with their safety based solely on the assurances of others is anathema to them.

How much is lost to a person who allows fear and/or a desire to stay in control rule their lives?

relationDips: Vietnam part 2

My experience of Vietnamese people, both in Australia and in Vietnam, is that they are extraordinarily hospitable. As it is across Asia, it's all about the food. There's always a fine selection of food when you sit to eat at someone's home. Pho (beef noodle soup) may be a quintessential Vietnamese food, but we only had it outside of the home, in any number of ubiquitous little restaurants. Home meals, family meals, comprise a table full of plates and bowls filled with salads, meats, sauces and noodles. 

It's wonderful to look at, and participate in, such a amazing spread, even if many of the food items are unidentifiable, and some even unpleasant looking. Exotic? Nailed it.

One night, at the home of my father-in-law, I had another one of these great meals, and finished it well satisfied. I was relaxing with a cigarette after dinner when I was summoned next door to my new uncle's home...for dinner. I groaned a little inwardly.

I joined my father and law and uncle, and a hard rock loving friend of my uncle's whom I had met earlier that day. I joined them on the floor where another no less impressive array of food lay awaiting our enjoyment. Also, on this "table" was a large bottle of home made whiskey which was mounted on a little stand so as to make pouring easy.

And so began more culinary exploration, interspersed with drinking whiskey from small glasses ( a little larger than a shot glass). Before we drank we toasted, each time. Evidently if you take a sip, you must invite everyone else to drink with you. When we had finished eating, and of course I only picked at the food because I was not hungry at all, I stood to go outside for a smoke. My father in law insisted I stay, and so we smoked together on the floor of my uncle's living room, then stubbed out our butts in the food scraps.

Following the meal, we began to watch music videos and the aformentioned hard rock loving friend of my uncle and I worked our way through a fine collection of hair metal bands, mostly Bon Jovi. There was, quite naturally, singing and air guitars. Communication was very limited due to the language barrier, but we connected.


I don't drink whiskey. I never smoke inside. I prefer to sit at a table to eat, and I only ever have dinner once a night. Nevertheless, I had a really great time. When in Rome...right?

What is the appeal of this kind of activity? I think it's about building relationships. My wife was somewhat disproving of my involvement, but that was mainly due to the cigarettes. I was with her father and some other men in a family home. It was safe place, and I guess we were bonding. I wondered about the things we do to fit in, to gain acceptance, to not cause offence to others, to simply satisfy curiousity.

I've had some unsafe experiences in my life when my motives for involvement were far less pure than on this occasion, where my desire was simply to bond with the man whose daughter is now my wife. I've rarely encountered a better example of the intrinsic connection between food and relationships.