D.A. Cairns's Blog, page 12

relationDips 2: meat and three veggies

I grew up in the 70s and 80s on meat and three veggies for dinner. I ate a sandwich for lunch pretty much every day, and some variety of sugary cereal for breakfast. Spaghetti bolognese was as exotic as it got. Mum was a good cook and we ate well, but variety was invarious or perhaps unvarious or even disvarious. My life in general, like my food was uniform. It was simple.

Those of you who have been around for any number of years, operating in the adult world, know that eventually things get complicated. The first real complication for me was my parent's separation which occurred at the same time that the hormonal cyclone known as puberty hit me. I then had to start high school in new suburb without knowing a single person. I lived with my grandparents during the first six months or so of that tumultuous 13th year of my life.

Food remained a constant amidst the emotional upheaval. Nana was a good cook and I continued to enjoy hearty meat and three veggie meals. My interest in girls blossomed concurrently with the blooming of their feminine bodies, and developed naturally into a plethora of infatuations and obsessions, but I never saw food as anything other than sustenance. Sure it was enjoyable, but I never thought about the incredible variety of food that I was missing out on, simply because I wasn't curious about exotic foods. On the other hand, I was intensely, monomaniacally inquisitive about girls.

I began to broaden my culinary horizons,in my 20s, when I traveled and lived overseas, initially for a period of about 18 months. In some cases I ate new things because the alternative was not eating at all. It was hardly surprising that these experiences fostered a love of interesting food. To this day, I will try anything once. Being an adventurous eater has made my life much more interesting by opening the door to all manner of appetizing delights.

There is no reason to be stuck eating the same foods day in and day out when there is so much potentially scrumptious temptation on offer. Strangely, this argument is used by some people to argue against monogamy in relationships. I say strangely, but there is some sense to it, isn't there? Why stick with one woman when there are so many to choose from? Why spend you're whole life having to make love with the same person? Meat and three veggies? Come one! There's so much more available.

Based on a complete misunderstanding of the purpose of sex, and ignorance of its power, this philosophy would be embarrassing and laughable, if it weren't so dangerous. How can you compare food, which exists for enjoyment and sustenance alone, with relationships? 

Apparently you can, if the evidence is anything to go by.  Don't worry, I'm not about to start spouting statistics about sex, divorce, and adultery, nor decry the abomination which is the pornography industry. I don't need to go there. All I need to do is present my life as exhibit A, and tell the judge that I rest my case.

By the way, I still eat a sandwich for lunch most days so maybe there's hope for me yet.

A Dog's Eye 1: Life can be like a movie

I'm a romantic. If pressed I would say that my favourite genre is romantic comedy, because I like the warmth and fuzziness. I like fairy tales. Who doesn't, right? What's not to like about a happily ever after tale, especially when so many of our own relationships and of those people we know, and hear about, do not have happy endings. That's the main reason films, television shows and books are so popular. Escapism. Vicarious living.

We know, however, that real life is rarely like fiction. Fiction is a highlights package on steroids. It's an exaggerated presentation of life's high and lows. Even in the 'in between times', when there is neither anything terribly exciting or traumatic happening to the characters, there is still a healthy dose or 'larger-than-life' being shown to us. 

Real life is mostly the in between times. It's mundane. Routine. Pretty much the same thing day after day. We appreciate the 'just like the movies' moments because they are rare. And many of us are addicted to fictional entertainment for the same reason: our lives are filled with so much humdrum, or negative, stress and worry inducing stuff that we want to escape.

Last Wednesday, I arrived back in Darwin, sleep deprived, but exhilarated - almost overwhelmed by my own 'just like the movies' moment. For me though it lasted five days. For five days I was living a romantic comedy, with perhaps the only difference being that the complication was very short. From the imaginary game of tennis on the sidewalk to the long farewell at the airport, I felt like I was dreaming.

I still do. Now that we are separated again by distance, I feel strange and a little lost, as though nothing will be quite right until she is once more in my arms. (awww...I told you I was soppy)

When have you had a 'just like the movies' moment? I'd love to hear your stories.

The Mirror 2: John Wick Chapter 2

[image error] In this film, Keanu Reeves reprises his role as the legendary, and invincible hitman. I remember watching the original John Wick film and enjoying it for what it was: an essentially plotless, violent romp with limited dialogue. I don't recall thinking it was ridiculous, unlike the sequel which, if not for the very slick fight choreography, was barely worth the effort of watching.

John Wick: Chapter 2 has no plot, no memorable lines, no emotional connection, and zero believability. I'm pretty sure I've never seen one man kill so many others in a film. I'm pretty sure I've never seen such a collection of hired guns who can't shoot straight or fight. I'm pretty sure I've never seen someone get shot, stabbed and tossed around so much, yet still retain the strength, speed and flexibility of John Wick. And when a worldwide bounty is placed on his head, I'm pretty sure I've never seen so many professional killers in one square metre of a city, let alone one subway station.

I'll conclude my bagging of this film by saying I watched it in two parts, because I knew that Wick would spend the second half of the film doing exactly what he did in the first half of the film, and despite suffering enough injuries to stop an army, walk away and live to fight another day.

You may be wondering what I could possibly have taken away from this disappointing and ridiculous action movie. Revenge. That is the dominant theme of John Wick 2, perhaps the only theme. All Wick does is slay people as he attempts to kill the person for whom they work, in order to take his revenge. Revenge is all he has...apart from a placid dog which occupies some scenes.

Revenge is, of course, a very popular theme of film, television shows and novels. Revenge has motivated many a character throughout the years, enabling him or her to perform literally superhuman feats on their way to executing their own justice. Watching our heroes take revenge apparently satisfies our own sense of justice.

I guess that's one way to live your life: angry and obsessed with retribution. Real life examples may be less extreme, but bitterness and unforgiveness reign in the hearts and minds of those who refuse to let go. This is a self imposed prison sentence.

Of much greater value, and with no violent deaths required, is the alternative path of forgiveness. The only way to be free is to let go. John Wick found, as a result of his murderous spree and his successful killing of his enemy, that he had made even more enemies. He had even made enemies of his friends. And he is seen as a hero? Fool might be a better word.

I look forward to John Wick 3 which will...actually, on second thoughts, I think I'll give it a miss.

relationDips 1: e-whores

e-whore: a person who uses sex in some way to persuade men to pay money, or sign up for some online service. They usually target men.

One can see by how many of these fraudsters there are, either there is a lot of money to be made in this "industry", or all these dishonest and devious people involved in such exploits are stupid.

Truth be told there is no shortage of stupidity on both sides: victims and perpetrators. 

I understand why men get sucked in by these deceptions. I too have been sucked in. Eventually I worked out what was going on as I noticed certain commonalities among the women who followed me on Twitter, then said hello, then told me a bunch of lies before asking for money, usually in the form of an iTunes or Amazon gift card. Why they ask for those particular methods of payment is a still a mystery to me.

Fantasy plays a big part in this whole sorry business. E-whores appeal to weakness. By using flattery and provocative photos, they quickly catch the attention of many men, who will, despite knowing better in most cases, play the game. Why? Because the game meets a need.

The problem is that such frivolous and fraudulent encounters do nothing to satisfy deep emotional needs. This form of counterfeit intimacy is what Dr Allen Meyer calls "junk sex". In just the same way as junk food meets the immediate need of satisfying hunger, but leaves one soon disappointed and hungry, as well as malnourished, junk sex is a cheap substitute for real emotional intimacy.

Believe it or not men who indulge in this online behaviour are not primarily driven by a desire for sex. It's much more complicated than that.

If a man in your life is trapped in this roundabout of addictive behaviour, try to get him to talk about his motives, and show him mercy. Leave your judges cap in the closet. Most likely he doesn't like what he's doing either.

Real relationships, honest and transparent ones with genuine people, are real food for our souls. The search for intimacy continues...

NB: I usually include images in my posts, but for obvious reasons this time I did not.

Snake Oil 1: It's available in many bright colours

Kia have improved their reputation over recent years, as have many bottom end Asian cars. Remember the days when Toyota, Mazda and Nissan all produced cars which were commonly described with the unflattering and somewhat racist epithet: "Jap crap"? You don't remember? Well, I was there, believe me. My peers only bought big cars, usually Holdens or Fords, with big engines, and we derided Asian made buzz boxes for their low quality and poor performance. They were the antithesis of cool.

Hyundai was the next Asian manufacturer to enter the fray. South Korean "Jap crap". Look, when I was in primary school I thought Asia was a country. Anyway, Hyundai has now transitioned from lowly regarded buzz box to popular, high quality vehicles for everyone. 

There are many others of course. In Australia, you can buy cars from all over the world, but I'm getting off track. I wanted to talk about Kia, another of the South Korean vehicles available Down Under.

Kia has a current ad on TV for the Rondo. It's a new model, but evidently all the consumer needs to know about it is that it comes in different bright colours. Of course, it is very typical for car ads nowadays to focus on looks and lifestyle rather than unnecessary mechanical specifications.

The ad features a Rondo going through a car wash, and then being accompanied outside the car wash by giant dancing mops. It makes me laugh. I know it is only designed to get me interested enough to do some research online or go to a dealer, but I wonder how successful this ad has been/will be.

Advertising is a funny beast, but it got me thinking about my choice of car. I picked my current car because of its appearance. I trusted the Ford brand, so really I only cared about the price and how good it looked. Taste in car styling is an individual thing, but I suspect very few people buy cars which are visually unappealing to them. Damn, we really are a superficial mob, aren't we?

Why did you choose your current car? Have you ever purchased a car just for its good looks?

The Mirror 1: Selfless

Ryan Reynolds stars in Selfless : a 2015 science fiction action film about a billionaire who is diagnosed with a terminal disease, but takes advantage of some expensive technology to get a second bite of the cherry in a healthy, younger body.

[image error]

Naturally, there are complications which result in some very intense and thrilling action scenes, as the protagonist discovers that his second chance has some disturbing ramifications. The film is not only an interesting variation on a well explored theme, but is also very entertaining and action packed.


The idea that as a person faces mortality they begin an earnest examination of their lives makes sense. Indeed, it is likely that everyone at some stage during their time on earth will contemplate the value of their existence. The concomitant notion is that one will also, as a consequence of this self reflection, find some cause for regret: things they would have done differently. Words and actions which they may add or subtract from their personal narrative, given the chance.

Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance at life. There is no rewind button. What's done is done. The romantic notion of being able to change the past perhaps partially explains the popularity of time travel and body swap films, as well as religious beliefs like reincarnation. However, the reality is considerably more sober. 

The bible says "It is appointed unto all men to die once and then face judgment." (Hebrews 9:27) We are born and we will all make mistakes, possibly some terrible ones, on our journey to the grave. I once thought I would have no regrets because at the time, I had none. Now I do, and I have even uttered the words "if I could go back, I would do things differently." But I can't, and neither can you.

The challenge for us is first of all to accept responsibility for our mistakes, and secondly to deal with the consequences of what we have done.

How are you going with that? Do you have regrets? Do you wish you could turn back time? If such technology as is depicted in Selfless actually existed, would you use it?

Celebrating teams #CTST

Last weekend I was dying of man flu. I had to take Monday off, but I was still battling the lurgy when I returned to work and through the rest of the week. And a busy week it was. I had four evening engagements planned. I made it to three of them. I want to tell you briefly about the two more significant ones.

On Wednesday night, I attended 'team night' at my church, C3 Darwin. Team night is a celebration for all those who serve in any capacity in the church: welcome teams, cafe teams, service hosts, parking attendants, connect group leaders (that's where I fit in), and the music team.

We ate together, then worshiped, and listened to a message of encouragement and thanks from our pastor. Well over a hundred dedicated souls were there, and it was a very uplifting and fun occasion. 

On Thursday night, I had dinner with another great team, albeit a much smaller one: my colleagues. We dined at Memories of India as we farewelled our longest serving employee. The departure of this very likeable and valuable team member, leaves me as the longest serving employee now. Management have decided not to replace him, so in his absence, our team of hardworking and dedicated staff will continue to do what we do best. To serve our students, and care for and support one another.

On the occasion of these two celebrations, I am grateful to be a part of two wonderful teams.

Service with Invisible Smiles #CTST

The intricacies of life, the myriad minutia, the devilish detail, (the annoying alliteration)...these are the things which complicate our existence. There are so many little foxes running through our gardens.

Of late there has been a population explosion of said feral beasts in my backyard.

Okay, that's enough metaphorical language. I am celebrating the capture, and in some cases death of a few of these little problems. All the small irritations we encounter are invariably beyond our control, especially when up against the might of major corporations. The person on the phone says they understand your problem, but unfortunately they cannot help because that is just the way the system works. Put your hand up if you've heard that one, and gnashed your teeth in frustration.

To Jackie at Bank SA. You are a champion. Thank you for creatively solving my problem: quickly and happily. You cared not with words, but with actions.

To Vicki at Optus. You are a legend. You spoke to me as a person. I actually believed you cared, and although you weren't able to totally solve my problem, you demonstrated genuine empathy. What you were able to do for me was more than satisfactory, as were your customer service skills.

To the lady whose name I forgot at Westpac. Ditto to the above and thank you for reassuring me, and making me trust you.

Three conversations which not only killed some of my little foxes, but also reminded me that people are capable of being not only professional, but empathetic and polite, in the execution of their work duties.

Lie down in peace #CTST

Over the years, at different stages, during the various seasons of life, I have had many sleepless nights. However, the 'many' pales in comparison with the majority in which I have slept soundly. Even in the midst of some emotional trauma (separation and divorce being one of, if not the worst), I have been blessed with sleep.

Sleep is a gift.

Every one knows the importance of sleep and rest, but for many people thorns of anxiety prevent sleep. I know it. I've felt it. When I lie down to sleep, but my mind will not shut down despite the weariness of my body. How do you turn off the mind? How do you shut out the worry? The fear? How do you close the door on anxiety when it feels like an incurable infection?

Three words have been running around in my head for days now. Since I had the noisy church dream through which God gave me a word of encouragement, I have begin to filter out all the voices in my mind. Especially those which cause me to doubt and to worry unnecessarily. There is only one voice I need to listen to...the voice of Truth.

What are these three words? Let it go.

I'm reminded of a line in a Creed song. "The sun shines and I can't avoid the light. I think I'm holding on to life too tight."* Sonny Sandoval from POD sings, "I think the hardest part of holding on, is letting it go."* This is a great paradox.

I sleep in peace. If I can let go of anxiety or at least not hold on too tightly to what I have, I believe I can walk in peace as well. I thank God for the gift of sleep.

*Goodbye for now - POD
*Weathered - Creed

Sinner's Lament #CTST

I am officially a Territorian now: I have a Northern Territory drivers' licence and NT plates on my car. This makes me happy.

Students returned this week, and it was wonderful to actually teach again. I have a new group comprising two of my students from last year, some who have come up from the pre-intermediate class, and three brand new students. It's a nice mix, and I feel happy to have already fostered a relaxed learning environment. It's a good blend of personalities, and I'm looking forward to a fun and successful term.

After six days of monsoon, we saw the sun in Darwin on Thursday. That was nice, but the truth is I like the rain too, and the storms are impressive, albeit a tad destructive.

I had a dream the other morning, as I was oversleeping, through which I believe I had a word from God. This has happened to me before on a couple of occasions. The dream featured an overcrowded church in which I was the only one interested in worshiping God. The message: how can you hear me when there are so many other voices in your head. My desire is to live a life pleasing to God and beneficial to others. I need to focus on listening to the Voice of Truth, and filter out the noise.

Wondering why I called this post Sinner's Lament? What's the connection with the content? Sorry to disappoint, but there is no connection. As I write I am listening to the album Sinner's Lament by Brisbane based heavy metal band, Taberah.

I hope you had a wonderful week. I did.