Ailsa Abraham's Blog: Ailsa Abraham, page 67

Whoooo knows?

Inspiration for today’s thoughts comes from Cottage Life Magazine to whom I am very grateful.

 

It was shared on FB by my friends Nancy Jardine and Di Horsfield

 

Apart from going Awwwwwwwwwww very loudly, on further examination it made me think “I wonder if, in an alternative universe, the big owl covering them all would be their god or goddess?”

 

Should archaeologists from the future find this they might come up with wonderful theories about the Owl People who believed that the Great Owl made the world and that we were all her chicks…. stranger things have happened.

 

Man makes God in his own image because our puny brains aren’t capable of grasping the enormity of the Universe. Only the Native Americans came close by saying “Great Spirit” while the rest of humanity (and possibly other animals, who knows?) explain the wonders of their world in more easily visualised chunks. Spiritual sound bites, perhaps?

 

It’s not the first time this has crossed my mind. I wrote about it in my Otter stories some time ago. If you would like to read that, here is the connection.  http://ailsaabraham.com/2012/12/29/the-12-days-of-christmas-sun/

Just a thought. Be kind and may your god go widgers, as Dave Allen used to say xxx

 

Custard’s Last Van (the secret is revealed)

We have to start with a joke that is a very old tradition in this family.

DISCLAIMER – this joke has been reviewed and passed by the anti-homophobic lobby (my Bro) and is classified as “Fine”.

Scene – a pub where the landlord is known to be openly hostile to gays and ready with his fists. In walk Cameron’s two friends, Jack and Rory. Jack, tall, blond, blue-eyed and gorgeous, goes up to the bar and politely asks for two gins.

“What kinda gin ya want eh? Lotsa kindsa gin – oxy-gin, hydro-gin, Sanato-gin haw haw haw”.

Gritting his teeth and saying nothing, Jack picks up the drinks and tells Rory what has happened. Rory, despite them both being military police and able to handle a pub brawl decides that he would rather not get involved but he won’t let it go completely. Instructing Jack to stand by the door, he in turn goes up to the bar but this time asks for two turds. When the landlord looks dumbfounded, Rory growls,

“Lots of kinds of turd y’ken Custard, Mustard and you, ye big shit. Run for it, Jack!”

*****

This is how the expression became almost sacred text in this household so when either ingredient is mentioned, like true Pythonists repeating the Four Yorkshiremen or the Dead Parrot Sketches, the assembly will respond with “Custard, Mustard and you ye big shit” and then fall about laughing.

Custard

 

 

Mustard

Imagine it for yourself!

 

 

So today when I made that famous telephone call to the garage up in town I was able to say “I know the mileage, just give me the price. Yup, fine – slap a “Vendu” sign on it and I’ll be up this afternoon to get the ball rolling.”

I was about to become the proud owner of one of La Poste’s “flying banana”s. They are much-prized around here because they are well-maintained by the postal service, have very low mileage and are not thirsty. They begin life as Renault Kangoos but I am not in a million years going to call him Roo.

He is perfect for our needs – great big space at the back for dogs and building materials (or even a single mattress if I decide to come to the UK on my own :D) and at 7 years old less than half the age of Astra or Myfanwe.

When looking at vehicles I turn into a pencil-behind-the-ear, roll-up in corner of gob sort of bloke and discuss anything but the colour. I don’t like stereotypes. I jumped in and took it for a test drive coming back enthusing about the clutch, acceleration and handling but asking if the brake pads weren’t new cos they were a bit vicious. Two centimetres on the brake pedal and you’re nearly through the windscreen. I got a bit more respect after that. No I don’t want to look at the pretty colour, thanks, I want to know how many litre engine, km/ltr, how many hp fiscale – that kind of important thing. Tsk.

But it will be known as Custard… it is OUR new van and one of the family so Badger might be the big shit behind the wheel – he’s better at it anyway tee hee.  So now I need …….

Get the joke?

 

 

 

 

Strewth! It’s Struthers!

Today I’m really happy to welcome another of my Crooked Cat colleagues to the Bingergread Cottage. It’s Shani Struthers and she assures me she is fine with dogs, although, Titch, I don’t think she actually wants you to wrestle with her just this minute. Sorry about that. Make yourself comfy, Shani and let’s get you something to refresh yourself after your time/space travel.

So, first you! Tell us all about yourself, where you live, what you do, what makes you happy, what drives you mad, your household…told you I was a nosy cow!

Well, hello, Ailsa, how wonderful it is to be a guest within these hallowed portals! Right, I’m Shani, I live in Brighton and I… erm… write. Yes, I write. Not only novels but I’m a copywriter too and have been for centuries (around twenty-four years actually). I mainly write for the travel industry and get to visit some wonderful places on planet Earth, but yep, in my mind mainly! Gone are the days when travel writers are sent to places to investigate – we can find out all we need to know via the Internet. As for what makes me happy, writing of course. I lose myself when I write in another realm entirely, a realm entirely of my own devising. I like to think it’s me making all the decisions in that realm but it’s not, characters seem to take on a life of their own and steer me in some wild and wonderful ways. I’m also very sociable and love spending time with family and friends. I’ve got three kids and life and living with them is like living with madness – honestly, the things they say and do, no adult could get away with – makes me laugh though!

Your kids are gorgeous! I’ve seen the pictures and they could get away with murder with Auntie Ailsa too! You have just spoiled my day, though. With the amount of travelling I used to do I dreamed of being a travel writer and now you say it is all inter-net fuelled. Sheesh! So how long have you been writing and how did you come to be with Crooked Cat? Tell us about your recently published book.

My recently published book is Psychic Surveys Book One: The Haunting of Highdown Hall. It’s a paranormal mystery set in and around Lewes in East Sussex and, as the title suggests, is the first in a series. When I say paranormal, I don’t mean horror – in many ways, PS1 is the antithesis of horror but it does deal with the spirit world (which frightens some people). Ruby Davis is the latest in a long line of female psychics and she has been taught by her grandmother that love is the most powerful force in the universe, that we all come from love (source) and therefore must return to it one day. No soul, no matter how blackened, is beyond redemption and what there is on the other side is rehabilitation not punishment. This is all very fine and dandy of course and a lovely way to view this world and the world beyond – HOWEVER – Ruby’s mother, Jessica, also ‘gifted’, has an entirely different viewpoint. In her somewhat reckless youth she dabbled with more occult practices and her experiences have led to a breakdown. It is this battle between good and evil that is at the crux of the Psychic Surveys books as Ruby and her freelance team work on a series of cases, including the main case, the haunting of Highdown Hall by 1950s movie star, Cynthia Hart.

Just up my street. As you know, we share a fascination with the paranormal, gemstones, hauntings etc. Was that your first book?

No, in June 2013, my contemporary romance, The Runaway Year, set between Brighton and Cornwall was published by Omnific Publishing. The sequel – The Runaway Ex – has just been signed and will also come out this year.

Well fantastic! That’s great news. Two in one year, wish I could do that! Do you write in just one genre or are you a genre-slut like me (I do it for a dare!)

I’m a genre-slut and lovin’ it. Psychic Surveys is a series that will only get darker – the research for book two is startling enough and involves a certain Mr Crowley. I believe it’s not good to spend too much time in the dark, you gotta get out into the light sometimes and so I’ll swing between the two genres for now. However, I have to say, I do love the darkness!

Yes, I have to swing between the two in my books and writing too much “demonic” I need to go and wash my hands psychically after. What’s your current WIP?

My current WIP is Psychic Surveys Book Two – I’ve just written the prologue and am very happy with it. It’s great to get back to a strong set of characters who I’ve definitely bonded with! I also have a paranormal mystery/romance on submission – Jessamin(e). It’s set in the highlands of Scotland and is a story of loss, love and learning to live again. Yes, it does involve ghosts – the ghosts of the past that haunt us as well as those you can see.

High five! I’m on a sequel too. Isn’t lovely getting back to work with characters you arlready know? What do you read when you aren’t writing? Which authors influenced you first? What book do you wish you had written?

I wish I’d written The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley – it is, in my opinion, the best retelling of the Arthurian saga I know (followed by Bernard Cornwall’s The Winter King triology).(Falls on the floor in a faint – Mists is one of my favourite ever books and I used to use it when teaching the path!) Basically I read loads. My preferred genres are romance and paranormal (surprise, surprise!). I love the classics – Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, A Tale of Two Cities – and I love modern classics too, Richard Mathieson’s What Dreams May Come springs to mind. Catherine Cookson is another hero, she was such a natural storyteller, along with Stephen King and Dean Koontz. The genres I tend to avoid include crime, westerns and sci-fi but I’m always willing to be persuaded!

Now tell us five things about you. Anything you like – go!

Tintagel sunset

I’m a Taurus with the moon in Scorpio and Virgo rising – a born romantic!

I’ve got the Midas touch when it comes to raffles, I win so often it’s embarrassing.

I used to be obsessed with the sinking of the Titanic – I’m sure I was tuning into a past life!

My spiritual homes are Glastonbury and Tintagel – I visit both regularly.

My favourite band of all time are The Cure – Robert Smith still does it for me!

You and I will continue to chat my email, sweetie – we have far too much in common to keep it to one blog!

Now – the all-important info…where to get hold of Shani and her books! 

Website: www.shanistruthers.com

Facebook Author Page: http://tinyurl.com/n8ks6rz

Blog: http://shanisite.wordpress.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/shani_struthers

Goodreads: http://tinyurl.com/pntjjwf

Amazon UK: http://tinyurl.com/lak4ub2

Amazon US: http://tinyurl.com/l29wj78

 

 

 

Family?

 

“Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Emma Lazarus

 

I’m not claiming to be Mother Theresa, nor the Statue of Liberty, in fact I’m a somewhat grumpy old lady who does not suffer fools gladly but…I do what I can.

 

Having studied most of the better-known religions in the world it seems to me that they boil down to “Treat others as you would like them to treat you” and that isn’t so very hard to understand. It’s why we take in abandoned animals. It’s why if I find an elderly, over-encumbered person in the supermarket, I’ll pack their bag and carry it to their car for them – one day I will BE that elderly person.

 

We have at various times thrown our house or caravan open to people who needed it for one night, several weeks or a couple of years. Why? Maybe because we are a soft-touch or perhaps we know that if the boot were on the other foot and we had no place to go we would hope that someone, anyone, would put a roof over our heads until we could sort ourselves out.

 

We had a discussion on FB about “who is family?” and we came to the conclusion that those who behave like family are your real family. The ones who would drop everything and run to your aid if you needed it, knowing full well that you’d do the same for them. What they aren’t are the people who say all the right things but when push comes to shove are too busy or find it is too inconvenient to help you out right now. That’s fine. They are possibly friends. They aren’t family.

 

I remember the old saying that if you can count your real friends on the fingers of more than one hand, you are delusional. That is possibly harsh but I’d advise you to make sure which ones you can really count on before that awful moment when you are in desperate need and have to be sure who you can turn to. It’s 3 a.m., pissing rain, you’ve lost your house and all your possessions. Think about it.

 

Me? Yes, I’ve had to jump out of the kitchen window and run barefoot down the street to escape another beating. The landlady of the local bar phoned me a taxi and hid me in her back-room with a free brandy while I waited. I was lucky that night. I did have a real friend to whom I could run and not get any more bones broken. That night….

 

 

 

 

 

The Consultant is …in.

In my experience, not many of us end up being what we dreamed of when we were kids. I certainly didn’t become a pirate or cowboy (well, not professionally).

 

Occasionally, however, life chucks you a side-ball that you weren’t expecting and other people start labelling you as something that had never entered the equation. Some time ago a well-known author approached me and asked if she could pose some questions about magic as practised today (or in the past within my sphere of knowledge). That’s fine, I write a lot about different kinds of magic so I was delighted to help and we exchanged emails for a couple of weeks.

 

I was, therefore, utterly stunned when I received a copy of the new book with her compliments and found my own name in the acknowledgements section.

 

Hey world – I am a consultant!

 

Yes, of course, as soon as the book is published I will be revealing all and pimping it around the bazaars.

 

Today I had a charming PM from a colleague asking to pick my brains on some French phraseology. My instant thought was “if you can find any brains, darling, feel free to pick them over, because the shrinks at the hospital singularly failed!’

 

Double consultant!

 

All this in the week when I am now recognised in the street as “our local author”. Good job I’m not prone to “encephalus-inflatus” or I might begin to believe my own publicity. No, just large, forgetful old lady on a Yamaha with a sense of humour as sharp as a box of tacks and a heart as big as the sky.

 

I do consultations on being very stupid too!

Courtesy of Widepedia

 

 

 

Should’ve Gone To Specs Saver

Should’ve Gone To Specs Saver.

 

I’m so glad it isn’t just me. Other people have disaster magnets build-in as standard. Bless you Gordon, you make me howl.

…for newbie self-publishing Authors, wary of starting a blog… be unafraid… be very unafraid… #TBSU…

…for newbie self-publishing Authors, wary of starting a blog… be unafraid… be very unafraid… #TBSU….

 

Very salient points from Seumas Gallagher through Jo Robinson.

 

I’m me – what you read in  here is what you get. I can’t hide the fact that I’m clumsy, a disaster magnet and a pretty good writer. My antics seem to amuse people and this serves to show folks what to expect in my books.

Enjoy xxx

You’re an AUTHOR??????????????????

Great Mother Isis!

I thought yesterday was weird but today…………… no, I didn’t get into any fist-fights or go to hospital or any of the usual drama, but I got discovered.

Our local fag shop is an old-fashioned affair that sells most things and if there are four of you in there it constitutes a crowd so we regulars get to know each other.

You will have gathered by now that Sir Terry Pratchett is a bit sick of people asking him if he based Nanny Ogg on me because he had never heard of Ailsa Abraham but, to be fair, on getting a description he admits that there are a lot of similarities. I know everyone’s first name, family history, medical conditions and private lives within five minutes – just how I am. Chatty.

So I go into the fag shop and there is a feller signing books. I go over and shake hands as a colleague, having been delighted to find that my third favourite gay friend Daniel is now working there and we have a natter about books. I’m so enchanted that I rush home and find a paperback copy of Alchemy, sign it, grab my Vistaprint card holder and go back.

The shop erupts into an ecstasy of delight. No? You? Elise (my French name)? You’re a writer?? You are published?? Oh my God!!!!!!!!

I don’t think I have been hugged and kissed so much in my life and they broke out the champagne and canapés. Poor Guy who was selling his books took a back seat while their “local author” took centre stage

See – I’d never thought that selling books in English would work. I have now explained that it isn’t Shakespeare or Dickens, it is normal everyday English and would be fabulous for any of their kids who are learning English. I was convinced that nobody would want to know. I was wrong. The fact that they can brandish a book and say – this lady lives in our village counts for a lot.

You also have to remember that in the French psyche “author” is equated with “enormous brain” so you will understand that they couldn’t believe that the woman with funny accent who makes jokes all the time and dismisses a strokes as “bit of bother” ….. is an AUTHOR!

So I will do a book signing there, I’ll have my laptop so people can order online Kindle versions but – I’ll be there, at my table, chatting to everyone, making them laugh and maybe, just maybe, convincing them that English isn’t that difficult.

 

After punch-ups yesterday I wanted a quiet day – didn’t happen.