Liz Everly's Blog, page 131

Spring Fling

by C. Margery Kempe

I’ve been giving the side eye to the snow which has kept it away from upstate New York for the most part (other regions, sorry — my powers only extend so far). But I suspect that spring will be coming up just around the corner. In Scotland we’ve already got the crocuses and snowdrops popping up.

I think spring will hit the northeast with a bang.

Spring is a fever. Especially in the north. I lived in the south for some years and while it has its own seasons, they’re subtle (in Houston it was oh god, I’m dying from the heat and the humidity changing to oh god, I can breathe but it’s still too hot).

When winter means snow and lots of it (this year particularly so) as well as really cold temperatures, spring isn’t just a point on the calendar — it’s a reason to celebrate. You hunger for sun and warmth mentally and physically. I remember Michigan State Students in shorts on lawn chairs in the snow the moment it became sunny enough to try to work up a tan for spring break. Crazy, but why do you think it’s March Madness that made the hare go nuts?

That’s the real madness: love (or at least sex) is in the air.

We think we’re so sophisticated and civilized but it’s always been the same: we’re guided by the promptings of nature. Chaucer knew this back in the day. His famous opening lines to The Canterbury Tales demonstrates this spring fever:

WHAN that Aprille with his shoures soote

The droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote,

And bathed every veyne in swich licour,

Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

Whan Zephirus eek with his swete breeth

Inspired hath in every holt and heeth

The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne

Hath in the Ram his halfe cours y-ronne,

And smale fowles maken melodye,

That slepen al the night with open ye,

(So priketh hem nature in hir corages:

Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages…

Chaucer knew what he was on about: April’s warm rain, March’s thirst for warmth, the plants springing up, the restless winds, the longer days, the cacophony of birds so excited by spring that they sleep all night with one eye open — and people just the same, getting restless and finding any pretext to abandon routine and meet new people.

How’s your spring fever coming along?

Don’t forget to follow Lady Smut — our pilgrimage explores all kinds of new territory.

Contemporary VS. Paranormal: Who Do You Love?

Mary Burton brings some class to Love Fest on the Small Towns & Sweet Tea panel.

by Madeline Iva

Howdy ladies! This is my third year organizing romance panels at Virginia Festival of the Book–which is next Saturday, March 22nd.  Here’s what we’re offering this year:

Small Towns & Sweet Tea–The Charm of Southern Contemporary Romance

Hell on Heels: Bad Girls, Feminism, & Rebellion in Romance Fiction

Publishing Alchemy: How Romance Authors Quickly Master New Publishing Trends

and last, but not least:

Too Young to Fight It–Why we love YA Paranormal Romance.

What–no historical fiction this year??? OMG OMG OMG…

Deanna Raybourne has a story about men, women, and a party game played with some sheets with holes in them–you will not want to miss her hair raising stories of what they actually did in your great grandmother’s day.

Keep yer panties on–three of the four authors on the Hell on Heels panel write historical fiction.  Sabrina Jeffries, Cathy Maxwell, and Deanna Raybourne.  In fact, Virginia loves history, the Virginia Festival of the Book loves history –and I geek out on history allllll the time.  But this year the slant of our panels ended up being more towards contemporary.

Pourquoi?  And what–no paranormal? No–we do have a YA paranormal romance panel and a great line up indeed. Jennifer Armentrout will be there, along with Althea Kontis, Jodi Meadows, and Wendy Higgins.  It should be pretty interesting–especially since Jennifer Armentrout straddles the contemporary/paranormal divide.

Jennifer Armentrout writes paranormal and she writes contemporary–she’s the total package. I loved her LUX series.

In fact, she’s not the only one — authors Laura Kay and Alma Katzu who are appearing on the Publishing Alchemy panel straddle the same divide.  So do I, in fact.  I started off writing a contemporary romance novel (since expanded to a trilogy proposal) that’s out with an editor…but I think at heart I’m a paranormal gal.

I’m sensing a trend here.

Yet contemporary romances are where it’s at these days.  Why? Blame indie authors.  (Jennifer and Laura are indie authors at times too.  So is Wendy Higgins–So is Alethea Kontis–hell, so is the entire world, I guess.) Apparently indie authors have found the contemporary sweet spot with readers. Publishers naturally want to hop on the bandwagon and are trying to keep up with the demand.

Cathy Maxwell tells it like it is. She is whip smart–we’re so glad to have her at the festival this year.

But does this mean Paranormal is going away? Well, the Twilight franchise has ended (not a moment too soon, haters say) and a satirical parody of paranormal romance is going around–no doubt soon to be followed by others.  Ladies, I present to you the WERECHAUN. (Don’t ask.)

On the other hand J.R. Ward’s next book is releasing April 1st, and you know the feeding frenzy that will inspire.  People are still posting daily spoilers all over fb about THE WALKING DEAD.  VAMPIRE ACADEMY is coming out as a movie–I bet that’s going to have an impact–and as C.M.Kempe posted here ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE is coming out. (Finally!) So don’t count paranormal dead yet.

No pun intended.

Laura Kaye has been fighting the good fight this year. Come and hear about her three rounds with the big boys–speaking truth to power in the publishing world.

I love paranormal.  I feel like with paranormal the normal rules don’t apply. (duh.) I don’t like the normal rules.  I like the sped up pace, I like the sped up emotions, I like my heroines a little more kick-ass and urban fantasy-ish.  Okay, there is some pretty dumb paranormal out there, true–but there’s dumb anything out there.  I like non-vampire paranormal with fae and other kinds of slithy toaves that gyre and gimble in the wabe.

So I’m definitely standing with one foot planted in paranormal and you’ll have to pry me out with a crow-bar.  On the other hand….the coziness of small Southern home towns is appealing.  So are the hard bodied tattooed guys in Laura Kaye’s series.  And I’m going to simply have to check out Jennifer Armentrouts New Adult contemporary series to see what the clamoring roar is about.  Too many books…too little time to read–it’s a cruel world, ladies.

Sabrina Jeffries will share stories about her writing success–and how when the time came, she decided not to take ‘no’ for an answer.

Meanwhile, if you live in Virginia, or even West Virginia and maybe if you live in North Carolina — and you love, love, love romance, you might want to truck out to Charlottesville, VA for Love Fest’s FREE day of romance panels.  We’re giving away, oh, two hundred pounds of books.  I’m not joking.

We’re also giving away a gorgeous assortment of gift baskets with goodies from our little city’s swankest local shops.  It’s a fun day to see some of your favorite authors up close and personal…and did I mention that all this delightful fun is FREE???

It’s also free to follow our blog.  Just push that little ‘ole button off to your right.

What Kind Of Woman Hires A Gigolo?

By Elizabeth Shore

Right around a year ago this time, I wrote a post about the Showtime reality show, Gigolos. Aside from the undeniable titillation factor of watching hot guys having sex, there’s something appealing about how the show depicts the lives of men who work as professional gigolos. You get glimpses into their private lives, their interests outside of work, and the kinds of things one spends time thinking about who works as a gigolo, like the constant need to stay über fit (Captain Obvious news flash: it’s good for business). But as I’m watching Season 5, my curiosity drifts toward the clients and what their stories are. I ask myself: Who, exactly, are these women hiring gigolos? And why?

I first began really thinking about this when one of the episodes depicted a woman with issues of heartbreakingly low self esteem. She’d lived her life never really having much attention from men, never feeling she was very pretty, or desirable, and her self confidence was in the toilet. To finally get some male attention, she decided to hire a gigolo. Or at least, that’s what she said on the show. I’ve read articles alleging that the clients are really paid actresses, which would mean their stories are as real as Paris Hilton’s singing talent. But let’s put that aside and assume the background stories are true. Call me a mush, but I was touched by this woman’s story. Whether it was true or not doesn’t even actually matter, because I sure as heck can identify with her insecurities. Haven’t we all been in situations where we’ve felt we’re not pretty enough, or smart enough, or skinny enough or whatever enough? Who hasn’t been plagued with feelings of inadequacy? It’s a damn sucky place to be. If someone comes along and assures us that those feelings are wrong, that we’re actually pretty special, and the person doing the reassuring also happens to be a guy so hot we go weak in the knees, all the better, right? Yet I have to admit, there’s still a part of me wondering whether a bruised ego really gets a boost from someone who’s only saying all the right things because you’re paying him to.

There’s a wide variety of female clients on the show, ranging in everything from age to body type to racial background to profession, and they all come with their reasons for hiring a gigolo. Several of them do it to see fantasies brought to life. One woman had a thing for vampires, another wanted to pretend she lived during the Renaissance. Then there’s “Jill,” a mother of four daughters, who explained that she and her husband of over 27 years had decided that – although they’re soul mates on an emotional level – they wanted to open up their marriage physically and have sex with other people. Jill decided there’s no better way to accomplish that dream than by hiring four gigolos at once. You go, girl! Hey, I’ll be the first to admit that she seemed to have a screamin’  good time with it. Another segment featured a woman who, by her own admission, had intimacy issues and confessed that guys “freak her out.” Enter, gigolo. She and her friend hired Bradley Lords, whose services the friend had used once before. He helped the woman shed her inhibitions and enjoy being in the company of an attractive man.

One thing is for sure, Cowboys 4 Angels, the escort service the gigolos work for, appears to be doing a bang-up business. Owner Garren James sports locations in Las Vegas, L.A., San Francisco, New York, south Florida, and Chicago, so clearly someone’s hiring them, with each and every client having their personal reasons why. I have to say, the “cowboys” featured on the website are gorgeous so it wouldn’t exactly be a hardship to spend some time in their company. In the end, whatever reasons a woman may have for hiring a gigolo are hers alone. And after all, the show takes place in Las Vegas so whatever happens there . . . well, you know.

What do you think? Would you ever hire a gigolo? Sound off below and don’t forget to follow us at Lady Smut. We’ll give you lots of good reasons to do it.

Digging Deep: Like Honey

My next novel comes out in less than a month—April 3. I’ve mentioned LIKE HONEY a lot here. Here is why: I think it’s my favorite book of all the books I’ve written, and that includes my mysteries. I don’ t know if it’s the characters, the setting, or the plot–or maybe it’s just everything. I loved writing it and hated to see it end. Some writers won’t admit they like some of their own books better than others. I will. And it’s this one:

My main female character, Jennifer, has been in both SAFFRON NIGHTS and CRAVINGS, but in the new book readers will, at first, barely recognize her. She is in Scotland, a widow, and running an ailing honey farm. And the death of her husband of a very short time has taken the spark from her. Gradually it returns—which I think is one of my favorite parts of the book. She emerges stronger and more mature. Readers of the previous books will see that spark return—and then some.

Grayson is also an American in Scotland. But he’s an undercover-agent with a beekeeping past, which makes him the perfect agent to “work for” Jennifer and in reality keeping his eye on her farm—which may or may not be involved in criminal activities. He’s also very alpha, and not interested in a relationship. I think he’s the most alpha of any of my heroes. Yes, Gray is very tough. Witnessing and writing the way he falls for Jennifer might be another reason I love this book.

And then there is Scotland, the farm, the scenery, and yes, even the bees and the honey. What’s not to love about it?

I think it’s fair to say many writers have their favorite books of their own. I’m not tootin’ my own horn here,and  I’m not saying it’s a genius book, or that it’s better written than any other book out there. I’m just saying I love it. Sometimes a story just comes from a different, deeper place than others and it stays in you heart for a very long time. This book is that one for me. And it kind of makes me sad to think it might go unnoticed. With all of the great books released everyday—more than ever before—the competition is fierce. So I need reviews. Lots of them. If you think you can review it for me on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Goodreads, please let me know. I will gladly send you an advanced copy. You can write me here with your email address or email me at Lizeverly@rocketmail.com. You don’t have to be a “reviewer,” you can be a reader. In the mean time, feast your eyes on some of my Scotland-themed Pinterest boards. Especially this one—Men in Kilts. Enjoy!

Come to Daddy

by Kiersten Hallie Krum

“Doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.” So doth Benedict lament in Much Ado About Nothing when trying to talk himself out of his previous protestations against love.

It’s true. As we get older, our tastes change.

Chris Hemsworth and daughter

Some of that’s biology. Our bodies, and other appetites, simply can’t stomach what we used to gorge on without compunction. Some of it’s wisdom and experience that views our once young fervency through more jaded eyes. Though there is a sadness in that loss of young conviction that once compelled us to swear those flourescent leg warmers were the best thing evah. Overall, it’s just a natural maturing of taste and preference. Which leads me to a question that been quietly needling at me for a few months now.

When did I develop a thing for dads?

Don’t mistake me, I’m not talking about a fetish need to call a lover “daddy” because—no. Hell no. But I’ve notice a personal trend where most of the men to whom I’m attracted are happily married and/or have children. Young children. I don’t even want children of my own; I’m a great fake aunt and a kick-ass babysitter but I deeply cherish the “send them home” philosophy. Yet I have a visceral reaction to a handsome man with a layer of scruff and an impish tot on his shoulders.* Yes, the scruff is key. I’m on a detour; I’m not off my usual route altogether.

Hugh Jackman and daughter

This puzzled me until I realized the men in my age group of mphrm years old are now of “dad” age. They, and I, are seasoned. It’s not that my tastes are changing, it’s that they’re evolving along with my (gasp!) age.

That’s the beauty of the subjective aspect of attraction. We all have the main parts, it’s the variations on their assembly that creates that zing of attraction. And it changes as we change, as life and relationship experience hone the qualities we seek in a mate, both physical and emotional.

David Beckham and daughter

 

 

Biologically, I’m drawn to the evidence that these men have duly provided hearth and home along with the proof of their virility in being able to create offspring. What nurturing DNA I have is poked by the tenderness displayed in their demonstrations of affection to their children.

Visually, they’re damn hot.

Kris Holden-Ried and son

Have your tastes evolved as you’ve become more…seasoned? Or do you still find the same physical and emotional qualities attractive in a man as you did in your younger, perhaps less wise years?

Follow LadySmut. We’re well seasoned and spicy to boot.

Images courtesy of Google Images and @KrisHolden_Ried on Twitter.

 

*Adorable cats or puppies also apply here.

Tom Hardy and puppy

Spring Forward … into a Nice Sex Dream

Through the magic of the sex dream, one can be on Team Fitz and Team Jake simultaneously. I call this Team Alexa.

By Alexa Day

A great many of us lost an hour last night. Congratulations! Spring is on its way, and not a moment too soon. Sure, regular schedules are going to feel weird for a little while. Some folks are going to show up for stuff at the wrong time. But the good news is that losing that hour is going to create a low-grade sleep deficit for some lucky individuals. Those people, like me, will eventually get an excellent night’s sleep, if not tonight, then within the next few days.

My plan is to invest those extra z’s in a nice sex dream. What do you think? Want to spend a night having really safe, completely consequence-free sex with a very interested party (or parties)? Well, I can’t make any guarantees, but I can tell you how I’ve managed to induce some really interesting dreams.

If you explore the web, you’ll find a lot of fairly involved methods for inducing the sex dream. (The exception: sleep on your stomach. I’ve not tried it this way, but it sounds simple enough, right?) I’m not sure it has to be quite so complicated. In fact, I think trying too hard to induce the sex dream can have the opposite effect, whatever that might be. I’ve gotten my best results by thinking pleasant thoughts at bedtime and not getting too attached to the results.

My last experience was with Campbell Scott, circa The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which was on television when I dozed off. When I went to sleep, Campbell was speaking to the jury with that lovely voice of his, which is actually very well suited for the sex dream. Of course, all that loud exorcism-related shrieking woke me up later, but Campbell made the most of our limited time together. I would not have chosen Campbell for myself; I just hadn’t thought of him in that way. Thankfully, my subconscious knew better.

Now, it took about a week of pleasant thoughts to open my subconscious to Campbell Scott, but he was worth the effort. Just as I was getting ready to fall asleep, right after lights out, I casually directed my thoughts toward the idea of having a sexual dream. Nothing specific. Just casual easy thoughts, with the same level of detail one might assign to a dinner one might prepare ten days from now. If I start preparing now, then I should be about ready for the sweetest part of slumber right about when daylight savings and my already freaky schedule conspire to take me down for the count.

So who’s next? I don’t know. The mystery is part of what makes dream trysts so exciting. I do know I’ll have to avoid some stuff, though. Full Metal Jacket is on TV a lot lately, and I don’t want Stanley Kubrick or any of his body of work anywhere near my subconscious. If I don’t find a better alternative, though, I might wind up with some seriously surreal unsexiness in my dream life. Hopefully, I can find something a little more inspiring to guide my subconscious this week on the way to my next sweet dream. I do have a nice tall stack of books next to the nightstand.

Who’s waiting for you in the shadowy, consequence-free world of your dreams? Tell the world in the comments section. And make sure you’re following Lady Smut. We’ll keep all your secrets.

Sexy Saturday Round-Up

by Liz Everly and the Lady Smut Bloggers

Hello, Sexy! Happy Saturday! Here in Virginia, we are so DONE with winter. I don’t know about you, but I’m hoping for spring soon. In the mean time, take a peek at some of the great blogs posts we’ve found for you this week. We’ve got all sorts of tidbits for you—including information about an app that will blow your mind.

From Liz:

Size DOES matter to women–just not quite how you might think.

Sean Penn and Charlize Theron have a public make-out session. High school, anyone?

Brand, not platform.

From Elizabeth:

A marketing pro’s opinion on how often we should tweet.

Crud, we have to lose another hour of sleep this weekend as Daylight Saving Time goes into effect. Here’s why it’s gonna kill us.

Wish you could improve your pussy licking skills? Don’t worry, there’s an app for that – and you can practice by licking your phone!

Porn actress Stoya doles out tips on keeping your nether region smooth and razor-burn free.

From Madeline Iva:

A moving story about, yes, sanitary pads.

It’s legal to look up someone’s skirt in Massachusetts, take a picture of the same, and spread it around the internet.

But that’s okay, because we gals get to drool over boner photo shoots. (Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘fashion spread.’)

Hey fairy tale lovers! Check out these gorgeous fantasy illustrations by Kay Nielsen.

Gender & Reviews at NYTimes–Ladies it’s not pretty.

10 Authors she’s never read but you should check out.

Chelsea Handler talks about 50 Shades-ish BDSM with Vampire Diaries guy—you know, the hot one.

 

I’ll Take Manhattan

By C. Margery Kempe

If all has gone according to plan, I should be waking up in New York today. Actually not Manhattan as in this Wikimedia photo, but upstate. However, I have noticed that when you say ‘New York’ people inevitably make the jump to ‘Manhattan’ and you have to head that off if you want people to realize where you actually are.

There’s a romance associated with the city that doesn’t extend to the actually very glorious upstate regions, but that’s okay. We’d just as soon avoid Manhattan real estate prices! Like my favourite city, London, the boom in prices has put the city out of reach of most folks. As this photo shows, it’s led to a bland corporate landscape that removes all the wonderful things that made you love the city in the first place.

I don’t think the allure of NY will pass any time soon: there are too many wonderful films that ensure the love affair with Manhattan will go on.

One of my favourites is His Girl Friday in which Howard Hawks directs a fabulous Rosalind Russell and a snappily speedy Cary Grant in one of the fast-talkingest screwball comedies ever filmed. It makes fun of Albany where I teach, so even more fun. Ralph Bellamy plays his always believable nice guy (with a nice in-joke about that).

Speaking of Rosalind Russell, there’s also Auntie Mame. Mame Dennis has long been my role model for declaring, ‘Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!’ She has a family made up of the people she chooses to have with her as well as those actually related to her. And she’s hilarious and adventurous. Great role model for anyone! And I like to think of my NY house as my ’3 Beekman Place’ even if it’s a little more remote.

A sentimental fave: while Rock-n-Roll High School  might have defined my high school ambitions, it was so Californian that I found Times Square was a little more ‘real’ to me just because it was New York. It  feels very much of its time now, but I am still just as fond of it. It’s got an immensely fantastic soundtrack. Still got the double disk LP And hey, Tim Curry!

What’s your fave NY film?

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He’s Not Alone–He’s Just Saving Himself for Me

By Madeline Iva

It was a revelation — I was in college, and my housemate Claire was about four inches from the TV.  We’d been watching Northern Exposure, which was almost over. I’d just noticed something.  Everyone was paired off at the end of the episode–except the 80 year old woman who owned the grocery store and John Corbett.  Before the commercials roled, John was back in his DJ booth, wisely opining about recent events.  He was alone again, naturally.

I said as much while Claire put her hands on the screen and started kissing John’s face.  Between kisses she said all static-y, “He’s not alone–he’s just saving himself for me.”

Ahhhh.  So true.  Is there any greater catnip for women than a super-attractive guy all alone?

Poor John Corbett couldn’t find the love for years after Northern Exposure–until he met Carrie Bradshaw on Sex & The City.  The perfect boyfriend (See my post about THAT) who did carpentry (see my post about THAT) John listened to Carrie, did his best to understand Carrie and even in the midst of his glorious guy-freedom from the city’s metrosexual vibe, managed to be both a simple yet hot country boy and very successful.  And then what? Well, his time in Alaska had clearly not prepared him for the concrete jungle– he was mistreated and abused by Carrie, that’s what.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she  musta had her reasons, of course.  But she also must have made a nation of women growl for breaking John Corbett’s heart–not once mind you–but twice.  Grrrrr.

It’s okay, ladies, he was alone after that so you could find him, admire his awesomeness and fall in love.  Well, that’s what Carrie must have thought.  She bumps into him about a second later and he’s married with a kid.  Which just goes to show–not all single women over 30 in NYC are crazy.

Once Claire opened my eyes to this trope–the guy who walks away at the end, a lonely look in his eye, just waiting for you to come along and hug it out of him–I had a head-slap moment.  Of course! This is a classic trope.  Humphrey Bogart — both as Sam Spade, and in Casablanca — was one of the early lonely guys.

And then there are superheroes–they’re almost all single.  Peter Parker aside, they’re not stupid enough to attempt any uber-dangerous kind of relationship, setting up their love interest to be killed—or at least kidnapped and traumatized by the enemy.  Or are they? Ooops! Well, maybe they are.

Damsels in distress aside, the very core of a superhero is a monster- mix of noble idealism gone perverse and utter self-loathing.  That’s why they are cursed to single-hood. They live in is a twisted world of secrets practically demanding they remain alone–except for you of course.  They’re single so you can meet up together in the corners of your imagination and…well, I leave the rest to you.

The beard just emphasizes the lonely.

Ben Affleck in Argo was a lonely guy.

Oh, and in real life — there’s actually George Clooney.  He’s not a serial monogamist, ladies.  He’s not one of those first-love-last-love divorced idealists, with some bro-mance issues involving his married guy buddies–not at all.  He’s just saving himself–for you.

I think this trope is getting to be more popular on TV as the years role by:

There’s House.

There’s Justified –don’t talk to me about Raylan’s ex–obviously he’s just MADE to be one of these lonely guys–I sweep aside all current and past girlfriends as well.  That’s the thing about a lonely guy.  You can just feel that the woman who seems to be involved with him is not destined to stay very long.

Alexa said recently that there’s that Walking Dead guy—what’s his name? Hands off him though–apparently he’s Alexa’s.

Good lonely guy?…

Then there was Lost–oh, those shows creators were brilliant — two single guys for the price of one! Matthew Fox and Josh Holloway–the good guy and the bad guy were both lonely-ish.  Kate was there to bounce between them just to reassure everyone that, you know, they actually liked women.

Romance writers are such a devilishly clever lot, even chained to the HEA ending they sometimes manage to leave you a lonely guy to obsess over.

…Or bad boy lonely guy? Who’d you pick?

In menage there’s often one woman and two guys (and I bet you one of them is a lonely guy). Yet sometimes it’s one woman, two guys and then after a lotta drama, one guy ends up walking away alone.  Saving himself for the sequel I suspect, but in that gap between the first book and the follow-up, he’s all yours.

What is the core appeal of the lonely guy? Other than letting female (or male!) viewers feel all possessive without having to bother identifying for the female heroine? Well, I think many women have that urge to nurture and care.  Guys have it too, they just label it call it protectiveness.  Same difference.

What we women often need is to take some lonely guy, put his head firmly between our breasts and stop that lonely ache with the love of our good selves.

I tried this two for one deal in my first romance novel.  (Which is now out with an editor, I’ll keep you posted about happens there.) I had my hero–a lonely guy if there ever was one–who got together with the heroine of course, but there was the issue of her ex.  Hapless, yes, the ex was pretty lost by the end.  Very damn cute, he walks off single and alone, clearly ready to suffer his Lonely Guy moment.  With any luck (cross your fingers) you’ll get to find out what happens to him.

Meanwhile, you’ll never walk alone with Lady Smut! Follow us and get our ever-lovin’ posts seven days a week straight to your email box.

Listen Up, Ladies. It’s “Man Rules” Time

Follow my rules, babe, and we’ll be just fine.

By Elizabeth Shore

Have you heard this one?

Q: What’s the one thing men and women can agree on?

A: They both prefer the company of men.

Now, I can’t say that I find that entirely true, but I will admit that I enjoy talking with men. Men can be charming, intelligent, funny, and stimulating conversationalists. Often times they’ll approach problems or think about things very differently from how I would and it can make for fun discussion. What’s not so fun, however, is when those same male/female differences – so intriguing during casual conversation with male friends – become exercises in frustration when trying to get a significant other to understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes it can seem as if you’re talking to an alien. Or someone raised in a burlap sack. Men sometimes just don’t seem to get us at all. It’s the whole Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus relationship gap thing. Apparently, however, part of the problem in understanding each other is that we women don’t follow the rules. The “man rules.” Wait, are you saying you’ve never heard of them? Well, then. Sit back, relax, and allow me to indulge you.

The “rules” have been making the rounds on our modern-day bastion of enlightenment – Facebook. I’d love to give credit to the original author of these man rules, but I don’t know who it was. In any case, it may well be that the author doesn’t care whether or not he gets the glory – as long as he gets his point across. There are 20 rules on Mr. Man’s list, and frankly some of them aren’t so much “rules” as they are defense of guys’ sometimes caveman-like behavior. Examples of these include nuggets of wisdom like, “Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we,” and, “yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.”

There are a few variations on a theme in the man rules, the theme in question being that men can’t read our minds. Not in the least. They haven’t a clue about much of what we say and they feel baffled by us much of the time. Case in point, one of the man rules is this:

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

OK, then. To sum up, men want instructions: clear, no-nonsense instructions that whack them over the head with meaning. Subtlety will not do in the man world, ladies, so don’t hint around at what you’d like. Say it. Shout it! Blast your clear meaning to your man with a bullhorn if you want to. Apparently, they don’t mind.

Men want to help us, that seems to come out in the man rules, but their definition of help is different from what we actually might need. If we’ve got a problem, we want to talk about it. Problems upset us, and when we’re upset we need sympathy and understanding. We need chocolate. And sometimes we simply need a shoulder to cry on or soothing words of assurance that we’re the best ever and that b**ch in the office should be slapped. But men aren’t able to muster up that kind of sympathy. They simply, according to the “rules,” don’t get it. Here’s what they say:

Cone to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 Yikes. OK, Mr. Man. But as I see it, it’s a two-way street. If we can’t go to you for sympathy when we’re upset, don’t expect sweet words and hot soup when you’re moping around with a cold.  Sheesh.

Of course, the man rules are mostly just a tongue-in-cheek list of things that men don’t get about us and their attempt at making us understand that. So to the men I say, we hear you. We understand your confusion. We women can be complicated, but we appreciate your effort to unravel the mystery. Here then, is the list of your “rules.” We’ll try not to break them. Maybe.

Read on for the man rules, but first don’t forget to follow us at Lady Smut. We’re never hung up on rules.

Man Rules (please note, they’re all numbered #1 on purpose!)

1. Men are not mind readers

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down, you don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for you what you want (see above)

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. (see above)

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

1. If you think you’re fat you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we’ll act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you’re prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.