Ubiquitous Bubba's Blog, page 2

Hijacked

There I was, enjoying breakfast and preparing for an eagerly anticipated writing session on my current novel when it happened. The heavy trapdoor in my mind creaked open and my subconscious crept out of his lair. He tossed an idea onto the table and slunk back down into the depths where he belongs. I’m not sure but I think I heard him mutter, “This will blow his feeble little mind.” My subconscious is not a fan.

The idea exploded and took my story in a completely different direction. Character’s backstories expanded and diverged. The tone shifted. New plot lines seized the wheel and raced away in a cackling frenzy. Former nagging plot holes vanished and new story arcs appeared.

I sat there for about an hour, sipping my coffee and exploring the new ideas. I have to admit, my subconscious comes up with my best ideas. The trapdoor cracked open and he hissed, “If I don’t get some writing credit this time, the next big idea will come during your last chapter.” That’s just wrong. If I know him, that next idea would require extensive re-writes of all of the previous chapters.

“Fine,” I said. “I don’t think I can get away with listing my own subconscious as a co-author, but I can give you credit in a forward or something.”

“When the time comes,” he answered. “I’ll write it for you. I want it to be good. In the meantime, stop wasting time and get busy writing. Do I have to do everything around here?”

You see what I put up with on a regular basis? There’s a reason he doesn’t belong out in public.

Duh Future

In the online world, it’s common for anyone to declare with absolute certainty any predictions and speculation they wish with little or no supporting facts or expertise. Of course, these prognostications are largely ignored since everyone else is busy screaming their own opinions. In the echo of this noise, I thought it was time to offer Duh Future, Bubba’s Pointless Predictions, based on a complete absence of any facts, knowledge, insight or intelligence. You’re welcome.

22nd Century:

I’m not going to sugar-coat this. It’s bleak. At least, it is for the survivors. By the dawn of the century, human communications are reduced to monosyllabic grunts and emojis. Within a few decades, once the radioactive clouds dissipated, those who remain are more interested in finding food that doesn’t glow than in having a meaningful discussion. There are some positive features. Without a civilization, there are no more political ads or talk shows. Traffic is non-existent, along with working vehicles. It turns out that caves are quite nice places to live and nobody minds if you draw on the walls.

23rd – 25th Centuries:

We’ll call this period a “rebuilding age”. Things get a little testy as people emerge out from under the rocks and discover that no one has built a decent coffee shop while they were away. Of course, no one is very sure what coffee is, since it’s been a myth for hundreds of years, but legends say everyone is entitled to a highly customized version at ridiculous prices. A new group steps forward to guide what’s left of humanity. They call themselves, “Historians.” While they’re not certain exactly what that means, they’re pretty sure it involves spreading wild guesses about the past and securing a mystical source of power known as “tenure.”

26th Century:

The worst thing about new civilizations is the realization that your world is infested with other people. No longer content to hurl insulting pictographs and memes, humans discover to their amazement that there is a difference between disagreeing with someone and actual physical violence. This exciting discovery leads to a whole new world of tribalism, warfare and dodgeball. It’s not all good times, however. Towards the end of the century, a dark and insidious force from the ancient world arises. The people speak of it in hushed tones. Politics.

27th Century:

In an unexpected turn of events, Urgl the Philosopher presents a revolutionary political theory. Using the lessons learned from Historians of the Dork Ages (the period just prior to the collapse of civilization), Urgl said that rather than being led by politicians, humanity would be no worse off being led by items of food. One nation could have a head of lettuce as a sovereign, while another might serve a bowl of soup. Urgl’s philosophy is adopted around the inhabitable portions of the world, paving the way for a new golden age.

28th Century:

Unfortunately, humanity’s final Golden Age comes to a screeching halt with the rediscovery of an ancient technology. The return of Social Networking is the trigger that prompts the Turlaxians from the Gnel%9ick Stellar Empire to intervene. Unwilling to stand by and watch humanity inflict this nightmare on the cosmos a second time, the Turlaxians scoop up the human race by offering free donuts and Wi-Fi. Humans are stored in sealed domes on Hurgn0!6 where visiting aliens from across the galaxy come to stare at them and tap on the glass. There’s a brief period of time where some attempt to keep human beings as pets, but they soon discover that people simply cannot be trained or suitably housebroken. For the Turlaxians, keeping humanity in a zoo has provided an additional benefit. Once considered the laughingstock of the galaxy, the Turlaxians are no longer considered the dumbest species in the universe.

There you have it. This prediction may not be completely (or partially) accurate. I may have been overly optimistic.

Virtually Solid

An eBook is a virtual entity. When a nearby person needs a good head thwacking, some readers attest that virtually bopping someone with a virtual book fails to meet their needs. Sure, the book’s characters may come to life and rampage through one’s imagination, but for some readers, that doesn’t help them knock some sense into someone who desperately needs it.

Some readers may want more than a virtual story. They long for a physical format they can hold that can also be used to whack someone or something whenever necessary. Paperback books provide the tactile sensation of holding a book, but the thwacking sound is not always satisfactory. For discriminating readers, that thin, whimpy thud of a paperback on someone’s cranium just will not do.

Readers with a passion for literature and a sociopathic need to bonk skulls insist on hardback books. There’s nothing quite like the resonant, and somewhat musical smack of a proper hardback book on a head to deliver the desired message. It says, “Yes, I did that and I’m serious about it.” It also says, “Keep it up, volume 2 is bigger.”

If you’re one of those readers, I have something for you. I now have three books available in a hardback version. I can see that sly grin from here. Somewhere nearby, someone else is inching towards the door. Well, they would if someone would knock some sense into them.

For situations where a light tap on the noggin will suffice, I recommend the hardback edition of Deeply Disturbed Donuts. Here’s a link to all of the versions of this book. https://books2read.com/u/47NMZA

If you need to old school on someone’s dome, Reality Challenged produces a mid-ranged, highly resonant thud. Here are the links to this option. https://books2read.com/b/bQZZJP

Finally, when words alone just will not do, Blithering Genius, the largest of these three books, is certain to deliver that deep, neck shortening whump. Here’s the link for this tome. https://books2read.com/u/mBeMPk

Talking to Yourself

It’s not just for crazy people. Some of us have been doing it all our lives. I’ve had lengthy discussions with various imaginary characters, inanimate objects, pets and food. Yes, they talk back. When I write, my characters tell me their stories, criticize my word choices, and ask me if I’m going to hog all of those dates for myself.

In return, I learn more about my characters by listening to them talk than by any other method. I hear their dialogue as I write it. It’s important to me to know the tone of their voice, their cadence, how they choose their words, and their accent. Once, I wrote a mute character and I listened to his thoughts instead of his voice. Oddly enough, he sounded a lot like me.

When I was young and I’d play board games by myself, each of the playing pieces or game components had personalities, quirks, and characteristics that guided their decisions and actions. Certain domino’s were more friendly than others. (I’m still not speaking to double 6.)

I don’t think I’m alone in this. As I understand it, some other writers indulge in a similar pastime. I asked the troll who lives under the stairs near the trapdoor to my subconscious what he thought. He took a long sip of tea before assuring me that this is completely normal. Of course, trolls are extraordinarily sarcastic, so that may not prove anything.I really shouldn’t put too much stock in his opinion. He also wears ear socks, plays with a rubber lizard and talks to himself. Some people are just plain crazy.

Picture This

A friend of mine just released a collection of photographs taken over the last year. What? I have friends. Yes, real ones. Anyway, the collection features photos captured in Chicago and the Midwest during the post lockdown period. As he puts it, “The photos are an interpretation of the emotions and the tenacity to start over.”

If you enjoy street photography, images of real people living real life, or if you’re familiar with reality, you might want to check this out at Life Rebooted by Jared B. Tremper | Blurb Books. You can also visit his website at http://www.jbtphotos.com.

Meet the Noob Boss

The best thing about creating a new story is meeting the new characters. We’re all circling the room, weaving through the weirdos. I don’t know them yet, but that’s okay. They don’t know themselves, either. It can be a little odd at first as they change character traits, backstories or even the number of their heads. Some of them pick up strange accents or mannerisms as they find their way. The strangest, most extreme characters tend to cluster around the Normies, who tend to panic and scramble towards the exit.

Sometimes, the characters I had picked for a supporting role end up taking center stage. Some of the best are characters that were created on a whim or as a sideline to the main story. I love those odd ones who grab my attention from their corner of the room. They’re the ones I can’t forget, even if they weren’t part of the original story concept.

I don’t know who all of these characters are going to be, or how they’re going to interact with each other. That’s okay. They’ll figure it out. Trying on different roles and costumes, they’ll develop quirks and grow into themselves. I sometimes think I know them when the curtain rises only to be surprised when they go off script in the second act. My stories are more Improv than High Theater.

My antagonists usually present me with a list of demands that I ignore. Hey, I don’t negotiate with entitled divas. They, in turn, take out their frustration on my protagonists, creating diabolical plot twists that the props department and I didn’t see coming. Fortunately for the heroes, villains frequently find themselves partnered with annoying or incompetent sidekicks. Let’s face it. Working conditions in an evil lair leave something to be desired. Megalomaniac tyrants bent on dominating multiple universes are not always concerned about their underling’s feelings. To be fair, each antagonist is figuring things out as they go. It’s their first time. I mean, things didn’t go so well for their predecessor in the previous book. Sometimes, they study the past, but learning life lessons is not usually one of their strengths.

While all of the characters are milling about, it’s pretty easy to spot the villains in the crowd. They’re the ones studying the rest of the cast, searching for weaknesses. They are also the ones who horde all of the grapes from the craft services table. Of course, that sounds a lot like authors, so I make a point of wearing a name tag. The point is that while they’re examining everyone else, I’m keeping an eye on them. You never know about some characters. We’ve only just met.

Tangible Fiction

For those who prefer a physical manifestation of a fictional concept, Deeply Disturbed Donuts is now available in print. Why? Well, a paperback copy has some unique advantages. Whacking spiders is the obvious biggie, but there are more. The printed version never runs low on power. Propping up a short chair leg works much better with the paperback than an e-reader. It’s much easier to balance a coffee mug on the print copy than on your phone. In addition, the physical book can be used in an emergency as a temporary table for actual donuts. (I wouldn’t recommend it with the donuts in this story, though.)

Do any of these situations sound familiar? If so, you might want to pick up the paperback version from Amazon. Finish you coffee first. Don’t tell the spiders. You wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.

Bubba 2.0

A couple of years ago, I did something that no one who knows me would expect. Certainly, no one thought that I would keep doing it.

I started eating plants. On purpose.

I know. I’m a Bubba. For many decades, I ingested a diet primarily consisting of cheese, pizza, cheeseburgers, mac ‘n’ cheese, pork ‘n’ beans with mac ‘n’ cheese and corn chips (a.k.a. “Dad Chow”), peanut butter cheese sandwiches, cream cheese peanut butter raisin cheese bagels, and Velveeta. I had the taste buds of a picky five year old. I don’t mean one of those, “will eat what they’re told under enough parental pressure” kind of kids, either. No, I’m talking about a tantrum throwing, screaming in the mall, dragged across the floor by his mom, throwing food on the ground, red faced, full meltdown sort of kid. Very picky.

Oh, sure. Over the years there were large wandering herds of people who tried to introduce me to healthier foods. Some tried to sneak it onto my plate so they could catch me “enjoying” something healthy. Amateurs. “It’s zucchini cake. It tastes exactly like chocolate cake.” Clearly, they were insane.

In order to maximize my cheese-eating capacity, I grew increasingly sedentary. No sense wasting valuable cheese-engorging energy on something frivolous like “walking”, “aerobic activity” or “getting off of the couch.”

You can imagine my surprise when I got fatter. Just because I like to eat my own weight in pizza, that’s no excuse for saddling me with extra tonnage. With the extra mass came a number of other health issues.

I saw some videos online that talked about the science behind a plant-based diet. Over a few days, I (grudgingly) recognized the validity of a “whole food plant-based” diet. I decided to “try it for a while.” A month went by and my family and I chose to have a special meal with some of our old favorites with the understanding that one single meal wouldn’t derail what we had started. I chose a large serving of a thick and creamy Fettucine Alfredo. Not long thereafter, I was as sick as a dog. I’m not talking about one of those cute, fluffy pups who star in video clips, do tricks and cuddle incessantly. No, I’m talking about a rabid, baby-eating Dingo, with radiation burns from a nuclear explosion, Cujo-fangs, glowing red eyes, and acid drool. I was sick.

Since then, I’ve never had a craving for cheese or dairy/meat products. I dropped 130 pounds over the course of a couple of years and I felt much better. I’m walking after meals (on purpose) and my lab results are great.

Don’t worry. You can’t catch my diet just be reading this post. I have to explain this because most people have an extreme reaction when they hear about it. It’s not the first time people have been ashamed to be associated with me and it probably won’t be the last. I just wanted to put your minds at ease. You can eat whatever you want and I’ll keep my food to myself. Really, you can stop crying. My food isn’t going to force it’s way into your mouth. Okay, go ahead and finish your tantrum. I’ll be over here when you’re done.

Yes, I’m still a Bubba. I may not eat the same food or threaten the structural integrity of the bathroom scale, but I’m still the same person. I feel better and I have a better chance of sticking around longer.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to trigger another crying fit. Don’t you have a mom who can drag you through the mall?

Secret Lair

Drink your coffee, take a good look at the outside world, and head for your bunker. An unnamed group of mad scientists, experts, and other imaginary people have determined that attempting to read this book while sipping a hot beverage may result in unwanted spillage. A well-stocked secret lair is, in my opinion, the best place to explore the world of Deeply Disturbed Donuts.

What do you mean you don’t have a fortified, secure, secret, underground lab/bunker? Where do you keep all of your robots, experiments, vats of smoldering goo, excessive clones and accidentally abducted aliens? I mean, it’s not like you can just pile all of them in the kitchen. Be reasonable.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Coffee. I’d recommend finishing it before you read this story. Laughing in mid-sip can have disastrous consequences. Never mind the burns or the need to wipe off your mobile device, I’d hate for anyone to miss out on their coffee.

Deeply Disturbed Donuts is a new novella that is now available from all of the usual eBook sites. In addition, it will soon be available in a tangible paperback format. (You can think of it as a mobile device that never needs recharging.)

So, fill up your mug, take one more look around the neighborhood. Do you see your neighbors? They’re probably acting like everything is normal and they don’t have an underground lair. Download your copy, set your perimeter alarms and get comfortable. You can thank me after you resurface.

https://books2read.com/u/47NMZA

Virtually Disturbed

Right now, there’s a sense of anticipation tinged with foreboding. You can pretend you don’t know it’s coming, but the hairs on the back of your neck know better.

Deeply Disturbed Donuts, a new eBook from Ubiquitous Bubba, is available for pre-order from your usual sites. I should warn you. The donuts described in this novella may deliver more than a sugar rush and a coronary assault. If it makes you feel any better, most of the effects will probably not be permanent.

The rational portion of your brain, the area used to crunch numbers, abandon social media, and keep your mouth shut during meetings, might assure you that a story is essentially virtual. It poses no threat to you at all. The irrational portion, however, is not so easily fooled. This is a story about risks, after all. Well, there’s also a secret underground lab, human experimentation, a homemade space-car, aliens, clones, and donuts.

Okay, I should clarify one other thing. I know what some of you are thinking. Let me make this a little clearer for you. When you download Deeply Disturbed Donuts, you’re getting an eBook, not a box of donuts. You read about them. You don’t eat them. I know. That’s very disappointing, I agree. The technology that would allow you to download physical donuts from the Internet is not widely available. Yes, you could use a 3D printer, but if you think about it for a moment, I’m sure you’ll find the downside. Of course you could order some donuts online for delivery, but that’s not the same thing.

I think we’re off course. Risks. We were talking about those. Sometimes, it’s better to face risks than to let them creep up on you and wrap their paws around your ankles at the top of the stairs. Pre-order your copy of Deeply Disturbed Donuts and you’ll be notified as soon as it’s available to download. You do not want this one lurking around in the darkness behind the couch.

Here are some links to sites where you can check it out for yourself.

https://books2read.com/u/47NMZA

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1071922